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Hi Abby, I can understand why this is so difficult for you. The things is, the more you try to change him so that you will feel better the more you are setting yourself up. I get the sense that you are both at your limit right now. He can’t help you feel better and you can’t help him feel better until you each help yourself feel better. Better physically by making sure to eat and sleep but also better emotionally. Learning to find healthy coping responses is very important. How do you help yourself calm down when you are upset?
As I shared before, I think it is vital that you let go of this for now. Not let go of the relationship but let go of trying to get him reengaged. He just can’t do it right now. He uses all of his resources for work. This is who he is choosing to be. The more upset you are the more likely he will throw himself further into work. I know that is so frustrating and upsetting. The thing is, I don’t think it proves that he doesn’t want to be bothered. I think he literally has noting left at the end of a shift. You’re being upset, while understandable, will not give him more resources or increase his ability to give to you.
I realize you want an answer about how to change this now but I truly don’t believe that is possible at this time. You both need to take a break, recenter, and get clear about what you want. If you step back, he will notice. Response with short messages every other day. When he says”I’m exhausted, going to sleep,” Say ‘night’ or ‘me too’ or ‘thanks for checking in. Sleep well.” He won’t be sure how to interpret this and it will become interesting to him. I think it will be good for you too as you are less likely to get pulled in to the drama of this which is very alluring. What do you think about taking a break froths for a week or two?
Kanya
Hi Cheruvu, This is complicated. When you say, how to heal the traumas do you mean the woman’s traumas of the womanizers traumas. The reality is, we are all responsible for our own healing. While we ma want to help another heal, it isn’t something that we can do. It is only something that they can do for themselves.
As Heidi said, womanizers don’t have the capacity to commit to one woman and love her deeply. When he is with a woman he is probably very good at giving her a sense that she is the most amazing woman in the world. She probably feels like he completes her. He is good at behaving in a way that makes women feel as though there is no one else who could ever make her feel that way. The challenge is, once he is out the door he will be looking for his next victim. Though he doesn’t see it that way, that is what is actually happening. He wants to find someone new to distract him from how inadequate and unlovable he actually feels.
Do you know how many affairs this man had during that year period?
Kanya
Hi Elena, I love that even as you asked the question something inside of you told you that it was something to pay attention to. What do you think of perhaps spending less time together? You can navigate it in a positive way. Maybe you want to just see him once per week or every 10 days once in awhile. Rather than telling him this is your plan I would learn to say ‘Sorry, I can’t’ every once in awhile. Let him know that you have other things happening in your life and you just aren’t always as available as he would like. Sometimes people think this is game playing but if you really do have other things planned then it makes more sense. Sometimes people ask me to participate in a social outing and the truth is I was hoping to spend that time alone. I’ll say that I have other plans because I DO have other plans. Plans that include caring for and nurturing myself.
It might feel weird and be hard at first but I am a big believer in trying new things and then exploring the results. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Abby, You can TOTALLY get a dog lol My dog is definitely my go to when things are not working well with people!
I think that space right now would be good for BOTH of you. You are working hard to resolve things and he is working hard to avoid things. The is not a good combination! For now, slow down. You aren’t going to resolve this at this time. Right now it seems as though he is throwing himself into his work even more to cope with this. That is his coping mechanism. His dad did it and now he is doing it. He has shared that his job will always come first and it is clear that it does. Please, do not think that you can change him in this regard. He will only fight against it.
Taking time to cope in healthy ways is important for you at this time. Your health is number one and all of this stress isn’t helping. That being said, in many ways it is how you are responding to the stress that is causing much of this pain and suffering. I suggest you let this go for now. Take a break from thinking about it and trying to figure it out. When you start to think of him literally say “NO” out loud. Put your hand on your stomach and take 5-10 deep, calming breaths. Remind yourself that you were a whole, happy person before this relationship and that you will be again. No relationship defines you or anyone. As you continue to calm yourself and feel more confident perhaps it is time to think about another living situation. I wonder if that will be less stressful for you in the long run. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Zoi, I so acknowledge your insight. What you shared could certainly lead to a lack of confidence in yourself related to dating, being interesting, finding your partner. The good news is, as humans we are wired to learn and grow. There are many things you can do to change your outlook and feel more confident!
I’m not sure if you are aware of it but there is a page on this site called Irresistible Insights. On that page are a tin of articles James has written to address concerns or area where a participant feels they want to improve. I took a look and there are two that I think would be helpful. the first one is “5 Steps To Getting Lucky in Love” the second is “How to meet men.” I especially love the second one because as an introvert I had a really difficult time understanding how to meet someone. I suggest you read through each of these, determine which strategies you would like to try, and start incorporating them into your day to day life. I’m a big believer in trying something and making adjustments as you go. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Massimo, I am glad that you have decided to move back to Italy. That seems like a really good idea given thats is there. It will be good for him to have more frequent reminders of his family and the bond he feels for you. Realize that when you move back you may learn of even more entanglement between the two of them. My guess is he is financing her apartment and that will certainly need to be sorted out.
You could start to look for a counselor now so that as soon as you move back you can begin seeing someone together. I realize that not long ago it was common in some countries for a man to have a mistress. It almost seems that this is what she is to him at this stage. It will be vital that he make a choice. It sounds as though he might not realize how difficult it will be to move away from her. It will be painful. She will be upset. He will grieve but these are the things that need to happen in order for the two of you to rebuild.
You’ve done a great job educating yourself about relationships which will go a long way as you rebuild. How frequently re the two of you talking? I suggest you start to ignite his hero instinct. As you describe her as a damsel in distress my sense is she is able to do so without really thinking about it.Asking for his opinion, help, guidance are all ways to make him feel like a hero.
Are your children aware of what is happening. If not I suggest you keep this private between you and your husband for now. I’m curious to hear what you think abut what I’ve shared.
Kanya
Hi Ann, Thanks for sharing more about your situation. It sounds like on the one hand your connection is solid and the two of you obviously enjoy spending time together. On the other hand, he is feeling a lot of guilt about the possibility of moving on.
There are many reasons why this occurs when a spouse dies. It can take many years to grieve the loss of a spouse. It can be difficult to accept the reality that they are gone. Experiencing the pain, while crucial, is difficult. Some can do it and move on in 6months. Others have been on their own for 10 years and still aren’t ready. Those first few years of getting used to life without your spouse leave many feeling as though they are in a fog. So many emotional resources go to grieving that is is difficult to have energy for other things.
Developing a new relationship requires a lot of emotional energy and investment. It sounds like right now he is coasting in that he enjoys your company but can’t get himself to invest or grow something together. Add to that the real guilt people feel about moving forward and I can understand why this feels like things are moving at a glacial pace.
An added challenge could come in how those around him react to this. Luckily his children are a bit older and hopefully mature enough to understand that their dad needs love and support just like anyone else. IT remains to be seen how others in his life will react. You may have a problem on your hands with his wife’s best friend. Since she has developed feelings for him she may resent you and/or resent the fact that he has chosen to move on. While dealing with that is in the future it is certainly something to be aware of.
For now I think it is important for you to pace yourself. You do need to slow down the pace of which you are bonding to him. He’s not a reliable person right now and I would hate for this to fall apart and you end up with a broken heart. You mention the tit is difficult for you to slow this process. What types of things have you tried to do to shift your perspective? Spending time with family and friends is important. Keeping interest in your own life and caring for yourself should be a priority. Keep reminding that part inside of you that this is just a sprout of a relationship and that in order for it to grow it needs the attention of both of you.
Is he aware that the bestie has feelings for him? Do the two of you talk openly about this? Do you get the sense that he may be developing feelings for her as well? Perhaps it is time the two of you talk about appropriate boundaries with her. Yes, she is his friend but if the two of you are together and she clearly has feelings for him it makes sense that you would want to feel comfortable with the time he spends with her. Can you tell me where the two of you have left this?
Kanya
Hu Quy, I can understand why you are upset. It sounds like you have been getting a lot of missed messages from this guy. That always makes my antenna go up. I have to say I get the sense that he may not be 100% honest with you and perhaps he is not being 100% honest with himself.
What you share reminds me of a quote by Tony Garkins: You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce. Without realizing it I think you may have taught him early on that you would be there for him even when he was hurtful, even when he was confusing, even when he was possibly seeing other women. You taught him that he didn’t need to work at this to win you over. I totally get that you did not mean to do this. Unfortunately, this is what may of us do when we undervalue ourselves.
So, he thinks this is heading somewhere but he doesn’t believe in marriage and children. What does he believe in? My guess is that he won’t be able to articulate that. He knows what he doesn’t want but he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know how to build something with someone. You guys had plans and when you showed up he couldn’t be bothered to open the door and let you know he needed some alone time. It’s okay if he wants alone time but the way he handled it is not okay.
If he is able to talk then just let him know what you need. Be prepared to be really honest and realistic with yourself in terms of his response. He has a habit of promising things and not delivering. My heart feels sad that he is treating you this way, Quy. You deserve so much more! Yes, I think he is afraid of a deeper commitment and I am concerned that he is so inconsistent that he will continue to take you on this roller coaster ride.
I suggest you not communicate with him for awhile. Give it some space and change the direction the energy is flowing to him initiating with you. Then let him know that you want to spend time with him but you want more communication. If he needs to change plans, he can text you to cancel, etc. Keep it clear, focused and brief. Then, see if he can respond in a mature way!
In the mean time, I encourage you to spend time with family and friends who help you remember how awesome you are and how much you deserve love and consistent caring! Please keep checking in as we are here to support you!
Kanya
Hi Tee, I think the first thing you need to do it take a little break. I get the sense you are spending a lot of time thinking about this. I imagine that is exhausting for you. Maybe it is time for some space? It sounds like the 2 of you communicate daily and perhaps are stuck in a bit of a rut. I get the sense that in every communication from him you are looking for the more subtle message about what he is thinking and feeling. Do you think that you are putting more into this than the current relationship warrants at this time?
What if you continue to communicate but spend less time trying to figure things out? You mentioned that you are panning on moving in the near future. Would it be helpful to see this as a casual connection for now? You could explore something more serious when you are closer. I know that you are wanting this to be more now but I think his fear is getting int he way for him. And, I think your concerns and over analyzing may be getting in the way for you. You like to talk but he likes to text. Maybe it isn’t any more than that.
If he sends you a text saying you must not have time for him, respond with “i absolutely have time for you. I was just sleeping!” then move on. Learn to be less emotionally reactive to his words and let him ride the roller coaster of emotions as you stay grounded. I think you are wanting to please him or give him the magic thing that will make him commit and be ready. The thing is, there is no magic anything. He needs to learn to work through his emotions so there aren’t so many ups and downs. This is not sustainable. What are you doing for yourself these days in terms of self care and self nurturing?
Kanya
Hi Shannon, Wow, that is a difficult situation. I’m so sorry that both of you are dealing with this. I don’t have a lot of respect for the girl that came on to him. He was not in a place to make a rational decision and it stinks that he was put in that position.
The thing is, as bad as this behavior was, he really did do all the right things afterwards. He was open and honest with you about it. He offered to go back to counseling. He shared that this make him realize how important his relationship with you is and he recommitted to that. All of that seems to really signal that he is remorseful about the situation. From my perspective trust is rebuild a little at a time. Do you feel better now then when this first happened? Can you see yourself moving in that direction? As strange as it sounds this sort of situation can actually bring couples closer together. It can help them realize how strongly then care for each other and give them a sense of what life without them would be.
I would work to stop thinking of them together. There is no them. They were drunk and fumbled around a bit but there is no them. There are no real feelings. There is no caring, no connection. One way to help yourself is to not give that situation more credit and energy than it deserves. Has he been staying out of situations like being drunk around other women? This is important because it wouldn’t be prudent for him to put himself in that sort of situation again. The reality is, there are no guarantees that this won’t happen again but he doesn’t show signs of being a guy that cheats and that is really important to remember. His remorse tells you a lot about what behavior he finds acceptable. Does this make sense?
Kanya
Hi Katie, can you give me some context for this? Where did you learn about it and what does it entail?
Kanya
Hi Zoi, I understand how complicated all of this can feel inside. I think it is good that you are starting to see that a lot of this push to make it work with this guy relates to the fear that there won’t be anyone else. I promise that if you re willing to get out there and be truly open to a new relationship, there will be options for you! I wonder if part of what happens is that you hold yourself back from meeting new people, from being open to new relationships, then you create a self fulfilling prophesy of “Look, I never meet anyone.”
I say this from experience! I did this for a lot of my life, well into my 30’s. In hindsight I realized I was fearful of rejection, or really caring for someone who didn’t care for me in the same way. I was also fearful of never finding anyone. For a long time I took myself out of the dating game as a result. The thing is, the only reason I wasn’t finding anyone at that time was because I was closed to the possibility of meeting anyone. I would hate to see you so this to yourself. What can you do to make yourself more open and vulnerable in your life. Not in relationship to this guy but in general with the people around you?
Kanya
Hi Ann, I can understand why you are feeling frustrated. When you care for someone so deeply it is normal to want to be open about your feelings. There is no one amount of time that people need to be ready to move on. I would say on average it is between 1-2 years. I understand that you are waiting to the 1 year mark and it seems like that is just a few months away. The challenge is, at the anniversary of someones death a lot of emotions come up that could get in the way of him being ready. The reason I mention that is because I want you to be clear about your expectations. I just don’t know if it is realistic that he will be ready in just a few months.
His strong reaction recently can give you an idea about where he is at. My guess is he is feeling a lot of guilt about moving on and isn’t even sure what to think about the fact that he has feelings for someone and that he has been sexual with someone. I think this could be a long process. I’m not sure that he is ready for the type of relationship that you are ready for. I’m also concerned that he sought comfort when he needed it most and that he is not ready to be in this for the long haul with you or anyone. In addition to him saying it is too soon what else has he shared about this?
Kanya
Hi Abby, I can understand how upsetting and confusing this is. I am sorry that you are going through this. A few things come to mind that I would like to share.
I’ve had several clients deal with thyroid issues and my understanding is that it really affects the emotions profoundly. You talk about anxiety and tearfulness. I’m guessing you’ve been feeling all over the place with this in the past 6 weeks. I also know it can take months to get things back in balance. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best, how are you doing these days? Until you are better, 100% better, and are seeing things clearly again, and your emotions have evened out, I would not end the relationship or push for a decision.
Instead, I would give yourself time to heal and get better. Instead of trying to get him back on board let him know that the change in emotions are related to your thyroid being out of balance and ask him to be patient while things go back to normal. I’m wondering if he is feeling overwhelmed by the changes and also feeling bad that he cannot help you. Men just want us to be happy and when we aren’t feeling well and things are out of whack men sometimes blame themselves for not being able to make us better.
I would say something like “I know all of this must feel over whelming for you, heck it is over whelming for me too! My doctors said it will take (what amount of time) to feel 100% again. I’m looking forward to us getting back to where we were. I miss you and I’m sorry this has been such a difficult time.” In sharing something like this you are acknowledging that this is difficult for both of you and you are showing him that you see this getting better which is important.
Have there been times in the past when he needed to work this much? It sounds like he is under a lot of stress and may be running on fumes himself. I tell couples that I work with that every relationship hits difficult times. It’s as if you both are struggling to stay above water. The best thing you can do is be kind to each other until you make it to shore.
Can you tell me what the ‘tiff’ was about a few weeks ago?
Kanya
Hi Emily, I really acknowledge you for how you handled this situation.You did an amazing job trusting your gut and acting on it. That ability will serve you well in life and particularly in relationships!
In terms of secrets, the biggest secret I can think of is one that you already mentioned; being confident. When women are confident the exude a certain energy that men find highly attractive. I would also focus on being happy and fulfilled in your single life. That way we are less attached to things going a certain way with a guy and that makes them more intrigued. Being fully yourself, loving who you are, and being happy in your own right will get the attention of men in a strong way! Is there anyone you are currently interested in?
Kanya
