[Kanya D]

Hi Shannon, I totally hear that you are crazy busy at work and it would be difficult to find the time to go. Like Heidi, I encourage you to talk with your supervisor and figure something out. you could frame it as an important doctor’s appointment or something like that. If you had a death in the family or an emergency how would that be handled? I would jump at the chance to attend sessions with him. This is opening up an important door that I think you will be glad you walked through!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Liga, It sounds as though you are really clear about what you want. That is an important first step! If you want a relationship I encourage you not to settle for less! Don’t settle for friends with benefits situation. If you find yourself in a situation in the future where he is kissing you and pushing for that simply set a clear boundary. “I’m not really comfortable with a friends with benefits situation so I think it would be better if we just focus on being fiends.” I know it is difficult to do when you re in that type of situation. Of course you want to go with it because it feels amazing and you love the attention. Who wouldn’t? The problem is, as of right now you want different things. I love the analogy that Heidi shared; what ever desire is in the driver’s seat will be were he focused but that desire can and will change quickly.

I would, however, encourage you to be playful and flirty with him. This way he knows the door is still open but that you aren’t willing to settle. This can be very alluring for a guy. Definetly keep igniting his hero instinct in small ways. I also suggest you read the article that James wrote entitled “From Friend Zone to Hot Romance.” You can find it on this site under the Irresistible Insights page.

While you are still going to feed this I wonder if it would be a good idea to open to other possibilities. This could mean dating someone and it might also mean connecting, making eye contact, and smiling at the men you come in contact with on a day to day basis. I look forward hearing what you think!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Lauren, I really acknowledge ho you work with this most recent bump in the road. Given that he has so much stress in his personal life I can imagine that he was really distracted. You’ve done a great job at reengaging him and peaking his curiosity. This is always a plan. How long have the two of you been dating?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Elena, It sounds like you are in a very balanced place! That is awesome. I really acknowledge all the inner work you have been willing to do to get here. I can totally understand why you would want to be open with your parents. This relationship has been a big part of your life for a long time. I’m curious as to why you haven’t shared with them in the past? Are the impediments that were there before still there? Finally, are either of your parents supportive in a way that is comforting for you?

it sounds a though you are in a place of realizing you need some time on your own to figure things out. I agree with you and Heidi-that is a good step at this point. One thing you have already demonstrated is the ability to understand yourself on a deep level and integrate what you learn about yourself. I’m wondering if you’ve ever explored what the benefit was of being with someone who was never able to really commit to the relationship. My senses there may be some powerful and healing information in that question that you will discover! PLEase keep us posted and so glad you found the book!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Abby, It sounds as though you are feeling more balanced about the situation. I’m glad to hear that and am hoping that this is also a reflection of your health returning. Please take care of yourself; lots of self love and self care. Keep in touch as we are here to support you! Remember, you are stronger than you know!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Shannon, I’m glad to hear that the two of you are doing better. Both of you will continue to experience waves of emotions surrounding this. You may feel good for several days and the wake up angry and not understand why. He might be moving forward then doubt his abilities or feel really bad about what happened. This is all natural. The best thing that the two of you can do is to keep communicating. It sounds like this has really opened things up for the both of you. I’ve seen lot of couples that actually end up having a BETTER relationship after something like this has occurred. The reason is that the couple realizes how important the relationship is, opens up more, and becomes more willing to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable leads to a healthy attachment and emotional intimacy. Without emotional intimacy the couple can only do so far in their relationship. Does that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi C., I am so glad to hear that you met such a wonderful man! It sounds as though the two of you have a amazing connection. I an understand why you would want things to progress and to deepen your connection with him.

It is definitely a complication that his daughter is having a difficult time with this but also understandable. I understand that there is a sense that if you convince him that this is a problem that things may change. Might I suggest approaching it a bit differently? Rather than trying tops her out of the situation, it would be better if you simply focus on the connection between the two of you. That includes talking about the difficulty his daughter is having with this. Not from a place of anger or even frustration but from the point of view that she is struggling with her father moving on. She is not even going to move on and have another mother. And who knows why she feels the need to protect him but that is very real for her. Right now he is stuck in the middle and no matter how much he cares for you, or anyone, given the choice between his daughter and a new relationship he will choose his daughter. That bond is solid and lasting. `

When you do bring it up focus on how hard it must be for him and for her. Reassure him that you don’t want to come between them and gently ask if it would be helpful if he explained this to his daughter. Ultimately it would be best to not tell him directly how to handle the situation but gentle suggestions, with no attachment on your part, could bee helpful. It sounds as though the two of you have been dating for about 4 months. That isn’t a long time. I’m wondering if his daughter needs more time to see that you are a good woman and that her dad is happy. How long ago did her mom pass away? Does he have any other children?

Kanya

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Julie.

[Kanya D]

Hi Cheruvu, I really acknowledge your desire to help people. It must be really difficult to watch your friend make these decisions. It is also difficult to know that he is hurting so many woman with his behavior. You are a good friend for wanting to intervene.

The thing is, you have tried to talk to him and he will not listen. Like many people who are participating in self destructive behavior, your friend cuts you off when you talk about this.That is because he is to really to listen and is not ready to make changes. I agree that this is difficult to understand.

Womanizers get a lot of benefit to this behavior. it raised their confidence, makes them feel adored, etc. Whenever he is in doubt about himself there are many women he can look to for adoration. Sadly this is the only way he knows how to feel good about himself. Unfortunately, he will not change until he is ready. Since we don’t know if and when he will be ready it can be difficult to know what to do. AS you continue to be his friend look for opportunities to point out the ways in which his behavior is setting him and his female companions up for a lot of hurt. He may need to hit rock bottom by losing what is really important before he will change.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Abby, I think that his inaction is telling you all you need to know about or from this person. I think you need to make some decisions about what is right for you. It seems like you have two options; more out or live as roommates until you can move out. I get that neither path is the one you thought you would be going down. You need to make sure you have a place to live, food, etc. Each choice will have it’s pros and cons. Right now you are banging your head agains a wall and he isn’t doing anything different. It seems very cruel and at this point the only power you have is how you are going to respond and how you are going to treat yourself as you go through this.

If you find a place I would say something like, “I’ve decided that it is time for me to move out. I’ll be leaving on (date) I’m sorry that it has come to this but since you won’t talk to me I needed to make some decisions only own. I wish you the best.” Leave it at that simple message.

I know that you are hoping that he comes around. OF course you are! The things is, this has been going on for some time. I think he may need weeks of months of silence to be able to process what is going on for him and be able to talk about it. That isn’t something that is manageable for more people and I can understand why. Stop trying to get your needs met from him because you will end up more hurt and frustrated. Instead, You be your own night in shining armor right now. Figure out your options then choose the option that makes the most sense right now. Does that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Theresa, It makes sense that you are in a depressed state after the break=up. That is a highly normal response to something like this!You guys were together for awhile and it will take some adjusting to be okay with the break-up. I’m hearing that part of you wants him back but that part of you is tired of being accommodating to him. That is understandable. It seems like the relationship you had was predicated on what he needed and you kind of followed along. I can understand why you would be tired of that.

I’m wondering if it would be helpful for you to take some time and see how you feel after a few weeks without him. At that point you might be able to better identify whether this is the right relationship for you. In theme time I want to suggest an exercise. Take a blank sheet of paper and draw a large circle on the middle fit. Then, think of the type pf relationship you are looking for. Begin to articulate it into works such as; quality time together, shared interests, affection, etc. As you think of each quality think about whether or not the two of you shared that. IF you did, put it in the circle. If you didn’t share that quality in the relationship, write it outside of the circle. Be brutally honest with yourself even if it is difficult. Then, compare the list of what you had versus what you did not have. Determine if what the two of you had (not the potential but the actual relationship) is giving you enough of what you want and need.

I know it is a difficult time but can you think of any additional benefits to take a break from each other?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Cheruvu, I don’t think he has the ability to commit. He is currently married and there are several women that he is having affairs with. That to me demonstrates an inability for him to commit. I hope the second won you speak of eventually moves on without him. She sounds like an amazing woman. I hope one day she gives herself the chance to meet someone who has just as much to give.

I’m wondering what your interest is in this man and this subject?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Laura, I just copied what James shared about that:

“Regarding your question on the advertising for “Why Men Shut Women Out,” that’s the free bonus given away on the BeIrresistible.com website, but it’s not one of our courses. It’s really like a primer (a preview really) for a relationship course by Slade Shaw.”

I would recommend you read through 2 articles on our site under Irresistible Insights to help you approach this:
When he Withdraws
Developing alluring Confidence with Men

Also, if you’re like to share more about your specific situation we’d be happy to hep you figure out how to approach him.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Theresa, I’m sorry to hear about the break up. That is never an easy thing to go through. It sounds as though he has a lot of concerns about being together. If you are honest with yourself about who you both are and the challenges that you have faced, do you think his concerns are valid? The reason I ask is because if these concerns are even a little bit valid it might be a good idea to think about what like will be like with someone who responds to intimacy this way. I have a few questions that will help me better assist you;

How long were you dating?
What are some of the differences he is talking about?
Was there an argument or disagreement that preceded him breaking up with you?

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Elena, It sounds like he is having a lot of awakenings right now. This is great and seems to be deepening your friendship. I also agree that you are not responsible for how he feels. WE all need to be touched and help. It is actually vital to our growth and well being. The thing is, if you become the person who gives this to him what will the boundaries be. More importantly, how will that affect you; to be close to him but someone not strengthen stronger more romantic feelings? I’m curious if you have thought about what would serve you best?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Awesome! Let me know what you think and how you plan on incorporating some of James’ ideas!

Kanya

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