[Kanya D]

Hi Shannon, I really acknowledge you for figuring out a way to make this work. It sounds like things are shifting in a positive way. That will make it easier to let go of the past (when you are ready) and move forward. We’re here to help and support you so keep us posted!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

i Tee, first, I want to say that you don’t need to be mad or embarrassed that you let your guard down. That is a very normal response and even a heathy way to build emotional intimacy. I see that he continues to give you mixes messages which must be confusing. What is very interesting is that after he had some time on his own he did open up and share a lot with you. What if the two of you continue to take things slowly and get to know each other on a deeper level before considering dating?

He asked if you are cutting him out of your life. What if you tell him that some of his behavior – like when he is angry and calls you up at night to yell at you – just ins’t acceptable to you and it is not something you will put up with anymore. You can do this in a calm way. You saying no to this is really an act of self love. See if he can understand that and change his behavior when he is upset. Does that make sense and is it something you are comfortable doing?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Nicole, So, I’m curious…after you’ve read Heidi’s response, how to you see that information applying to this situation? To me, your BF is triggered and his distress level is clearly higher than a 3 or 4. In that situation he will say and do things that are hurtful LIKE EVERYONE WHO IS UPSET. It really is a life skill to be able to bypass the urge to hurt and instead stop, talk calmly, etc. You both know this is part of how he reacts. SO, when you are both calm brain storm on what to do in those moments. Notice I didn’t say talk about not doing that anymore. That is too much of a jump and not realistic. Instead,come up with a plan that says something like when one of you is triggered you agree to end the conversation for 24 hours and talk again when you are both calm and clear. It sounds as though he is able to process things when he has space so clearly he does better with flight – getting away from the situation so he can think about it.

The next day, when he is open to discussing it and working though his blocks do just that – figure it out together. If he has a difficult time stopping a conversation when he is upset then you can end it and talk again the next day. It is important that when he is upset you don’t take anything he says seriously. When we are that activated we are about 5 years old emotionally and we’re having a melt down. We all do it in some way as it is just part of being human. I’m wondering if it would be helpful for the two of you to work with a counselor in person as you work through this?

Remember, all couples have things to work through. This just happens to be what you two are working on. And, at 3.5 months you will start to see other parts of each other and will need to learn to work with those other parts. Does all of this make sense to you?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Grace, It sounds like a stressful conversation. I’m wondering, how did the conversation become so contentious? Often couples become so accustomed to arguing that it is difficult to change. The things is, until couples learn to calm down first, before talking, they don’t have the opportunity to reconnect in a positive manner. At this point it is very important that you end all conversations before they become difficult. That means that when things start to turn negative, either one of you becomes upset and started to be accusing or unkind, you politely end the conversation. Let him know that you don’t want to fight anymore and that you want both of you to be happy. That’s it for nw.You’re number one priority is to stop the fighting. Let there be calm in your lives for a few months. Simply stop fighting and if he start, tell him “Let’s talk again when we’re both in a better place.” THat’s it. His number one beef is that there is too much fighting and disrespect. That needs to be the number one thing that changes!

If you can’t be calm when he comes to get his stuff I recommend you not be there. Additional fighting reduces the chance of things changing, of him wanting to repair the relationship. At this stage he doesn’t ‘want anything from you’ because he is emotionally fatigued by all of the tension. In my experience you both needs several months of peace before it starts to feel safe to spend some time together. I know that seems scary as you are concerned that you will loss him. The thing is, in some situations we loose people because we won’t give them the space they need.

Rather than trying to talk him into changing his mind, the more effective tactic is for you to do the inner work needed to become the person you want to be in this relationship. It will take time. It will be difficult. You won’t always like it. But you deserve to do that and your marriage deserves that. For now, the best way to create change is to stop interacting in a negative way. And, it that means you stop interacting for awhile then that is what you do. I think this would be a good time to work with a counselor of therapist as you do your healing. Doing so will help bring clarity and direction to this process. I know this is a lot. Take some time to consider what I have shared and let me know what you think!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Abby, I don’t believe he hates you I think he is legit overwhelmed with work and is so stressed out. Have you tried any of Heidi’s responses to his texts? I think when he texted “I can’t win with you” he was saying that he doesn’t know what to do to tomato things better. He is also saying that he feels he is trying and nothing is working. You have to take that into account. He doesn’t hate you, he is struggling just as you are struggling. The fact that he is telling you this can be seen as a good thing.

Right now, you’re both frowning in like a bit. It will be bard for either of you to help the other until you each get back into balance. Have you texted a response to him being stressed out? Here is the thing, sometimes life hits both partners with a crazy amount of stress. Couples that can weather it and still stay connected build a stronger, deeper bond. Couples that split under stress, and blame each other for not helping them tend to separate emotionally and eventually physically. Yes, it seems like thing have gotten to the end for the two of you for now but can you still be kind to each other through this?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emily, Thanks for responding and being so honest! It makes sense that you would like these guys to like you if you are interested in them. I think there are a number of ways to get someones attention and help them see you as more than a friend.

I took at loo at the Irresistible Insights page because I think James does an amazing job at communicating ideas and strategies. There is more information there then i could possibly share here! There are three articles that seem like a good fit for the skills you are wanting to cultivate:
Make Him Work For it
Help Him Ask You Out
From Friend Zone to Hot Romance

Hopefully you’ll have some time to take a look at then before your meeting tonight. One thing I will say is that a big smile and friendly, playful interaction will space a guys interest everyday. For more details abut how to do this look at the resources I mention. I look forward to hearing how it helps! Please keep in touch!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Grace, Welcome to the site. I al so glad that you are here and open to support. What you ar going through is very difficult and I can only imagine how confusing and painful this must be. I will say that for him to do something so drastic tells me that he was in a lot of pain as well. I’ve worked with a lot of couples that struggle with managing day to day responsibilities. It is easy for resentment to grow at times.

In my work with couples I see a tendency to talk too much about what isn’t working and talk too little about solutions. When the two of you were in therapy did you manage to find some solutions and if so were you able to implement them? I think it is great that you are doing the Relationship Rewrite. That is going to be very important. While you need to take responsibility for your part in this, I would not recommend you take 100% responsibility for the challenges in the marriage. Doing so would most likely build resentment on your part. Instead, focus on taking responsibility for your actions and let him, in time, take responsibility for his.

I’m curious, now that he is living on his own who is doing the cooking and cleaning for him? Is he doing it himself or are his daughters helping? I ask because this will give us some clues about why it was difficult for him to help out at home. Now, this might be a difficult question but when he did help were you critical of his efforts? Men will try to help until they feel it is a lost cause then they will give up. DO you think this may have been a dynamic in your marriage?

I know that he is coming nest week t get his things but don’t despair. Neither of you wants to divorce to perhaps some time apart will be good for you. Many couples find that being apart a few days a week actually improves their relationship. Do you tinker that over time, after things have cooled down and the two of you have learned to show each other more love, that the two of you could spend some time together and some time apart?

One thought that came to mind relates to the ratio of positive to negative interactions between a couple who are happily married. John Gotten, an amazing relationship researcher, identified that happy couples show 4 positive interactions to every 1 negative on. 4 to 1. Most of the couples I work with are surprised by this. Do you feel that you were giving him 4 positives to every negative interaction or feedback? I would start to integrate this ratio even if you aren’t living together.

Right now it sounds as though you have been bringing out the worst in each other. It will take some time to get back to a positive place where both of you feel emotionally safe. You may need to be patient and just work on yourself for now. Then, over time, he can see that you’ve changed simply by the way you treat him. This will go a a lot farther than just telling him what you want to do differently. Thoughts?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emily, Yes, I do think there are things you could do or begin to embody that would get their attention. But I have a question, if you aren’t interested in your ex’s why would you want to get them interested in you? I know you shared that you like challenge but I guess I’m wondering what the end game would be in putting resources into attracting me you aren’t really interested in? This would also apply to the guy in your friend group. DO you have a genuine interest in him or would it just be for the challenge? How comfortable are you with being in a relationship after the challenge is over?

I do think that being confident, happy, and fulfilled make a woman very attractive to men. Being open and smiling at men is a great way to get their attention. A smile gives them the signal that it is safe to approach you which is important. There are also ways to flirt and carry yourself That will get a man’s interest. Have you checked out the resources on this site? Look under the heading of Irresistible Insights and see which articles get your attention. Take a look and let me know which ones you find interesting. Also looking forward to hearing back from you about the challenge question.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Emily, Yes, I do think there are things you could do or begin to embody that would get their attention. But I have a question, if you aren’t interested in your ex’s why would you want to get them interested in you? I know you shared that you like challenge but I guess I’m wondering what the end game would be in putting resources into attracting me you aren’t really interested in? This would also apply to the guy in your friend group. DO you have a genuine interest in him or would it just be for the challenge? How comfortable are you with being in a relationship after the challenge is over?

I do think that being confident, happy, and fulfilled make a woman very attractive to men. Being open and smiling at men is a great way to get their attention. A smile gives them the signal that it is safe to approach you which is important. There are also ways to flirt and carry yourself That will get a man’s interest. Have you checked out the resources on this site? Look under the heading of Irresistible Insights and see which articles get your attention. Take a look and let me know which ones you find interesting. Also looking forward to hearing back from you about the challenge question.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Theresa, Wow, I so acknowledge you for the work and insight you are developing. Well done!

I’m sorry he was not able to meet this weekend. My sense is he has some conflict about all of this and isn’t ready to face it. That doesn’t mean that he wants to get back together, it just means I think he is confused. At some point you will get together so you can retrieve your things. When this happens, play it cool. At a minimum he is probably expecting that you will want to talk about this, that you may be upset and he is defending himself against that. So, in your interactions be friendly and even playful but don’t try to pursue him or get him to pursue you. At this point I would imagine that you have some questions about the viability of this relationship. It sounds as though you are seeing his potential which is great. The challenge is, who he is today is different than who he could be. He seems to have gotten to a place in the relationship where he has hit a wall. He will need to start to feel worthy or love, worthy of this relationship before the two of you can move forward. Unfortunately this is something only he can do. I do think that once he sees that you aren’t interested in him he might so some soul searching.

In terms of your list, it seems like you believe he has those qualities. How does how he is handling this situation fit in with that? One thing that is important in any relationship is communication even when you are feeling down, even when things are overwhelming. It seems as though he may not have this ability. I’m hoping he is open to learning it at some point!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Debra, SO sorry this is occurring. IT must be disappointing and confusing. The thing is, it does take a long time to get to know someone and to get to know their intentions. I’m always a little bit suspect of someone who wants to move this quickly. From my experience, a person who is willing to jump in is also a person who is willing to jump out. Just keep that in mind as you interact with this person.

I think giving him some space is a good idea. I would wait until the end of the week then send him a short text meant to ignite his hero instinct. Think of something that he could help you with or give you advice on. Then send a text simply saying “I need your help.” When he responds ask for the help you need. Men love to come to the aid of woman so my sense is he will jump at this. Once the door is open just focus on being fun and playful. Take things very slowly and beware of moving into a friends with benefits situation. That is definitely not what you want to do. Instead, date. Simply date and let the energy build again-slowly. Does that make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Tee, you ARE taking steps forward. It’s not easy but you are doing great. It sounds as though you are really supporting yourself and are letting go of any confusion about what you want and need. I agree that the less you see him the quicker you will move past this. Now, the desire to see him will ebb and flow but stay strong and remember why you don’t want to see him.

When you go home to visit you may want to enlist some emotional support from a friend. Let that friend know that you won’t go see him but ask her to provided some supportive texts during the day to help you get through it. Make sense?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Melissa, I am glad that you are sharing and asking such important questions. There are many women in your situation and it is difficult to know how to respond.

First, you don’t need to worry about being harsh or hurtful. The reason I say that is because often, when we set boundaries with men like this, they will tell us that we are being mean or inconsiderate. We then doubt out own inner voice and it can become very confusing. So, put how thoughts and feelings to the side and put your thoughts and feelings at the front. This is what matters when you want to end a relationship like this.

Start by letting him know that this isn’t working for you and that you aren’t willing to invest any more time and energy into it. He will fight back, try to convince you to keep trying. Eventually you may need to leave the conversation because he probably won’t agree that ending things is the right thing. That is because he doesn’t want to end it but you do and you are ready! Then, and this is the hard part, cut off all communication with him. And, cut off any way for him to contact you. SO, block him on your phone, unfriend him on social media, block emails, etc.I know there will be a part of you that wants to see what he is doing, that wants to stay connecting in some way. Don’t do it. Make a clean break now. He will absolutely try to contact you to come back into your life. He’s done that before and he will do that again. He will feel lost without that adoration. He won’t come back because he is ready to commit, he will come back because his ego needs a boost. That is part of the cycle. He craves closeness, feels smothered, leaves, then craves closeness again. Unfortunately, he isn’t able or willing to take into account how that behavior affects you. An important part about being in a healthy loving relationship is the ability to take the other person’s emotional needs into account.

I Know that this will be difficult. He is good at coming and going and coming back just as you are letting go of his. He will sense your distance and fight it. But remember, he will fight it temporarily then he will leave again. The bottom line is he has not earned the right to be a part of your life! I know this seems extreme, and it is for a good reason. In my experience completely cutting this type of man off is the best way to be able to move forward. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

HiElena, Wow, I really acknowledge you for your willingness to develop insight into yourself and your behavior! Well done! Thanks for share=ing about why you’ve chosen not to tell your parents. It is clear that this is complicated and they, indeed, may have mixed feelings. Their main intent will be your well being and that can come out in many different ways.

What if you shared that you had been dating someone and that it is over and that you are grieving without telling them specifically who he is? I wondering you could tell them just enough to understand the situation without telling them enough that they would know who you were talking about. I’d like to see you just get their love and support without all the other complications you mention. Thoughts?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Cheruvu, You shared an interesting thought. you said “once he steps in there is no turning back.”You have the ability to end your friendship with him at any time. I understand that you want to be there for your friend and if at some point you need a break-long or short-that is your right. I also want to remind you that you are not responsible for his emotions. Meaning, if pain comes as a result of his actions, you are not responsible to help him feel better or even help him avoid pain. He is 34 and is very aware of what his behavior could to do all involved. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to watch a friend sabotaging his life, and his marriage, in this way. What are you doing to care for yourself?

Kanya

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