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Hi Kathira, Okay, let me do some perception checking. It sounds as though the 2 of you have been dating for 8 years. During that time you have never bee committed. When he is dating someone else, and he shows them more attention than you, you tend to get upset. When you are upset you express your emotions in a way that he doesn’t care for. Please let me know if that is accurate.
Here’s the thing. It is natural to want to move into a committed relationship at some point. I don’t know many relationships that are casual that have lasted for 8 years. I almost get the sense that you are going against a primal instinct by trying to stay casual for this long with someone you obviously care about. I’m also concerned about his tendency to elevate the importance of other woman he dates in from you of you. He then expects you to be okay with that. That seems rather cruel to me My first question is, is this the relationship that you want?
Human beings are bonders. We thrive when we are deeply connected to people. We struggle when the people we care about give us mixed messages. When they push us away, then pull us close, then give to others what we have given to them. My heart goes out to you in this as I can imagine how difficult it is. I’m wondering if he actually has the interest or ability to be with one person. In the past, what caused him to stop dating other woman and refocus his attention on you? I look forward to hearing more from you!
Kanya
Wow, Stephanie. These are great insights! I’m so excited for you because now that you are aware of this you can start to heal old patterns and build new skills. Given your experience as a kid it makes sense that you learned that showing affection or emotion was too vulnerable. Your parents weren’t comfortable with that and in term they taught you, consciously or unconsciously, that it was ‘dumb’ for you to so so. In reality, it is a sign of strength and confident to show affection and emotion. It is so important to develop the skill of being vulnerable in our relationships. Doing so actually increased our physical health as well as our emotional health. the first step is to take small steps into being more affectionate, more emotional. As you do so you will see if the person you are dating is able to do the same thing.
There is a great book that I recommend to a lot of my clients called “Homecoming; Championing and Reclaiming Your Inner Child” by John Bradshaw. It talks about the normal and healthy developmental stages a child goes through in a healthy family. It also identifies ineffective coping skills that children in abusive or emotionally neglectful homes develop. I think it would be really interesting and helpful for you at this time! Please take a look and let me know what you think!
This is a really amazing time for you. Please keep checking in with any questions and to share more insights! Looking forward to hearing form you soon!
Kanya
Hi Miss N, I am sooo sorry. That must have been so confusing for you. Is this the first time he talked about not being happy? My guess is thee were other conversations or at least declarations about this. Since the two of you are still in contact there are some things that you can do. First, download the Relationship Rewrite and start implementing the steps. Be willing to go slowly as it isn’t something you can rush.
Be honest with yourself about what he has shared and do your best to see things from his perspective. All of this is based on this being a solid, non-abusive relationship. Can you tell me more about how ling the two of you have been together, what the relationship was like?
I do know that trying to have a baby can be really stressful. How did you guys manage the stress of that process? Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Joan, I know this is a lot to consider. I think you are wise to really think about it. AS you think and talk and consider feel free to give us updates and ask for support. WE’re here for you!
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I am so glad that you have joined the site and reached out for some support! There is clearly a lot going on for both of you. I can only imagine how you are feeling given all that you are dealing with. I do hope that you are able to get more support from your dad. I know how difficult it is to care for an aging parent.
In terms of your boyfriend. There are many red flag in what you shared. His behavior is erratic at times, he is clearly not being honest with you, his work is always changing, etc. TO me these could all be related to his untreated bi-polar disorder. It sounds as though you have been clear with him that this is something he will need to treat in order for you to move forward. I think that is very wise. If this goes untreated he will continue to live a rather chaotic existence and if you are together that means you will live a chaotic existence as well. I think he is confused about what he wants and I believe his bipolar disorder is in a precarious place right now.
Now, here is the hard part. Stop listening to his words and instead listen to what his behavior is telling you. He has a new cell phone and won’t give you the number. He is clearly seeing other woman and my guess is there are more than you even know about. That probably means that he is not being safe sexually which puts not just your heart in danger but also your health. I can only imagine how much this connection is to you at this time in your life given all that you are dealing with. The thing is, is this relationship feeding you in a positive way at this time or is it taking your precious energy? Is it something you are feeding by trying to manage a chaotic situation? I know these are hard questions but they are important ones for you to ask yourself! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you as we continue to unwind this!
Kanya
Hi Heloisa, I’m sorry. I know that it must have taken a lot of courage for you to get out there and being dating. I’m sorry that this was your first experience. While we can function without it, humans need touch to thrive. Might I suggest other ways of getting that? Wen I’ve been single I often would get massages and manicures to have the healing experience of touch. I’d also sleep with a pillow up against my back as it felt like someone was lying next to me. I suggest you try these things until you find someone that you are ready to be close to.
Once you are dating, you can take as log as you like to be ready to sleep with someone. In the interim you can be affectionate and close in other ways. It is a process but you are on your way and we are so proud of you! Keep checking in. We’re here for you!!!
Kanya
Hi Lana, I’m so sorry that you lost your husband. That must be very painful. I hope you are taking good care of you and connecting with other friends and family. I can understand why you would be feeling lonely, it is a very difficult thing to go through. Do you have any friends in similar situations that you can sped time with?
I can understand why this is so frustrating for you. It sounds like the two of you have a great connection which is why you are best friends! I can hear in your words how much you would like the two of you to be in a committed relationship. You share that he introduces you as his GF and I’m wondering if there are people he introduces you to as his friend? Can you share a bit about how the two of you became friends? And, how id it move from friendship to dating? Does he have a history of being in a committed relationship in the past? Any long term relationships or marriages?
Can you share a bit more about your relationship as that will help me know how we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Ughhh. I can’t imagine how frustrating this was for you! t is hard to say exactly why this is happening but I’m happy to share a few ideas. First, he may be someone who thinks it is okay to change plans at the last minutes without telling someone that plans of changed. There may also be a substance abuse problem which he/she is wanting to hide. There could be a fear of actually building something with someone and he/she could be self sabotaging.
He probably doesn’t tell you is because he doesn’t want to deal with any feelings you would have about that. That to me is the worst part of this. you didn’t get to express your frustration, you were given the opportunity to be part of the solution. This to me demonstrates such a lack of respect and caring for you and your feelings. If someone does this to you again in the future let one time be enough for you to see who that person is! How are you feeling about this now? Have you gotten to the point of realizing his behavior had nothing to do with you or what you deserved?
Kanya
Hi Heloisa, I’m sorry that it did not go well. That must have been confusing for you. ON the one hand you liked being close to him. On the other you were in pain and probably overwhelmed by the event. First, I suggest you meet with your physician. Make sure there are no physical reasons for the pain.
There is the possibility that you weren’t ready to be intimate on an emotional level and that contributed to the discomfort. It sounds like you were ready to be physically close to someone but that you weren’t ready to be intimate. IF that is the case, you can move at any pace that you like. You can let anyone you date know that you really need to get to know someone before you are ready to sleep with them. IF they aren’t okay with that then that is not the guy for you.
In terms of this man-you haven’t known him long enough to be in love. Falling in love take time. You need to see someone in a variety of situations, see how they heal with stress, disagreements, etc. Would you like to slow things down with this man and get to know him further?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I’m so sorry that this continues. Let me reassure you, this is not what all relationships look like. On the contrary, most relations are respectful and loving. There will be things that any couple need to work on as we are all learning and growing but this degree of game playing is unusual and unacceptable.
I wanted to address something that you shared in your first post. You said that loving someone means accepting them as they are. Yes, you want to be honest about who someone is BUT if who they are does not work for you then you need to be loving with yourself and get that person out of your life! That is a sign that you are loving yourself first. When you do so it is easier to say no to the people who disrespect our time and energies by playing games. I’m curious, have you have positive experiences in relationships in the past?
AS far as that statistic is concerned, you will find a lot of contradictory information about this. The point is, if this is important toy then you will take the steps to achieve that goal. Many women, regardless of their age, are not interested in marriage. They have different kinds of relationships and are quite happy. It’s important to note that single women today are far happier than single women reported in the past. Being single is no longer a limitation unless we make it one!
So, how clear on you are what you are looking for in a relationship? I suggest you write out the 10 most important qualities in a man and/or a relationship. Then, determine which are the top 3. Those are the qualities you are seeking! DOn’t give up. If you really want this we can help you!
Kanya
Hi Stephanie, What a great question. Yes, I do think how our parents treat each other and relationships plays a big role in how we do so as adults. I have seen this over and over again in my practice. If your parents had a healthy relationship, were able to communicate well, and showed respect for each other than they children develop those skills by watching and learning. The reverse is true as well. Watching our parents and adult family members do relationships is often our most informative training for how we will be in relationship one day ourselves.
That being said, individuals can absolutely learn to change their style, to developers better communication styles, to become more comfortable with the level of vulnerability that leads to stronger, closer relationships. I’m curious to hear what our members think about this question!
Kanya
Hi Joan, I really acknowledge you for all that you are bringing to this relationship. It really is amazing! How interesting that you can trace your conflicts back to this one couple. That is such a powerful awareness. Sometimes there are people in our lives who need some clear boundaries. It sounds like this couple might be one of them. My guess is, from what you’ve shared, that he won’t bring this up without prompting. Would you agree that this was accurate? If so, when feels right for you to bring it up? You may also want to think through what you would like to share in your conversation to make it a more graceful process.
I wanted to run something by you. You shared that your number one desire in a relationship is honesty. I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling regarding him being dishonest with you about sexting others.
Kanya
Hi Debra, I can understand the heart ache you are feeling. Even though you didn’t know him for a long time and didn’t spend that much time together it sounds as though a part of you really felt a connection and a hope the this could turn into something special. One of the challenges that happens when you move too quickly is that when you hit a bump, and everyone does hit a bump eventually, it is easy for things to run off the rails quickly. We can’t know what happened for him without his input but he decided to walk away rather than face things. My educated guess would be that this is not the first time that this person has done something like this.
I can understand how awkward it must feel at this point seeing him and wondering about bumping into him. I’m curious about why you would like to stay connected to this person?
Kanya
Hi Catherine, I can understand why you are frustrated. This type pf behavior makes it difficult to trust your partner over time.It sounds like that may be what is happening with you at this point. I wonder if he is aware of this or can understand it. Perhaps this is how he was treated in the past and it seems normal to him. In any case, it sounds although it is not working for you.
I’m curious, what was the change you saw that motivated you to give the relationship another try?
Kanya
