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Hi Jennifer, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. That is so sad and will certainly take time for him to process and perhaps for you as well.In terms of your confusion, does it feel as though he is sending you mixed signals? It seems as though his words say one thing and his behavior sometimes tells you something different. It sounds as though his behavior continue to be erratic. That is one of the red flags I mentioned above. While he is agreeing to things; going to therapy, not talking when he is intoxicated, etc it remains to be seen if he can actually do those things. I know that you are hoping for more but I just think this is the reality of this person. I think it will continue to be the reality until he makes changes. Notice I didn’t say until he promises or agrees to make changes. At this point there is not a lot of reason to believe he will do something different. You will need to wait and see what he does.
To help with your confusion I suggest you focus on what he is doing versus what he is saying. That will tell you who someone is without a lot of confusion. Pay attention to the areas that he contradicts himself as well as the ways he is willing and able to give to you at this time. Are there specific things that are confusing at this time?
Kanya
Dear JM, That is a great question. Here is how James responded to that:
“Regarding your question on the advertising for “Why Men Shut Women Out,” that’s the free bonus given away on the BeIrresistible.com website, but it’s not one of our courses. It’s really like a primer (a preview really) for a relationship course by Slade Shaw.” Meaning, it isn’t part of the Irresistible Insights Programs.
I would recommend you read through 2 articles on our site under Irresistible Insights to help you approach this:
When he Withdraws
Developing alluring Confidence with MenAlso, if you’re like to share more about your specific situation we’d be happy to hep you figure out how to approach him.
Kanya
Hi Rhiannon, It’s great that the two of you were able to reconnect after all that time. I can hear how excited you are at the thought of the two of you being together. Just to clarify, am I understanding that the two of you have been messaging for 2 years ut haven’t talked on the phone or seen each other? Can you clarify how that worked before he blocked you?
Kanya
Hi Emily, Any response from following him on instagram?
In terms of sending a signal, there are a lot of subtle ways to let a guy know that you are interested. Take a look at The Art of Flirting on the Irresistible Insights page. It is full of powerful ideas about how give a guy your interested in signals that let him know you are interested! Take a look and let me know how you’d like to start.
Kanya
Hi Karinn, I’m glad that you’ve met someone you are interested in. It sounds as though he is interested as well but the timing is a bit off. I noted that you shared that he is shy and I’m wondering if that is playing a role in this for him as well. While you can’t force anyone to do something they aren’t ready for, you can continue to develop a friendship. any people need to start things of this way and then ease their way into dating. He may need to feel more comfortable with a woman before he is ready to date.
Did he elaborate on where he was at regarding work and what needed to shift for him to be ready? You mention that you tried to use the hero instinct by getting his help with things. How did that go? I have a sense that continuing to connect and build slowly might be his style. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Joan, I think you are doing the right thing in trusting your gut. Often when we follow this path we learn new information along the way that validates our decision. I trust the work that you and your therapist are doing and it does make sense to wait until the divorce is final.
It sounds like he may have realized he was possibly going to loose you if he didn’t step up his game. I do hope this is the case and that he continues to be supportive and present. Thanks for the check in and remember we are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Kathira, I acknowledge how honest you are able to e with yourself! That is amazing. I’m glad that you realize that how he is treating you is hurtful and not something that works for you. My guess is you have communicated this in the past and he has not been willing to do anything different. I can imagine how frustrating and confusing that can be.
I’m glad that what James wrote regarding boundaries made sense to you. They really are soooo important. Women tend to have a more difficult time setting boundaries because we’ll sometimes feel as though we are being mean by doing so. Actually, I think we are being mean to ourselves when we don’t set clear boundaries about how we want people to treat us. You ask a great question about the boundary you want to set with him. Ultimately it is your choice if you want the boundary to be at physical intimacy or behaving like a girlfriend. While everyone is different, in my experience there is something chemical that occurs when we are intimate with someone that helps to bond us to them.That can make it difficult to allow ourselves to consider anyone else.
I’m curious, what ‘girlfriend’ behaviors would you want to stop doing until he is on board? At this point how often to the two of you spend time together?
Kanya
Hi Vicky, I’m so sorry that this is happening. IT makes sense that he would want some time on his own to process all that happened but it still isn’t easy. I acknowledge you for giving him his space. I know that must be difficult for you. For now I would go very slowly. I would give him his space then after a few weeks send him a vey short text igniting his hero instinct. The hero instinct is a man’s instinct to help us, to be a modern version of our night in shining armor. So, this of something that he has been helpful with in the past and ask for his help with that. Make the request something he can do via text so that it doesn’t take too much effort to start. Then, be thankful and playful in your response. After that, give him space again.
I know that for women, giving a guy space can be scary. WE wonder if they will forget us or find someone else. The thing is, it is clear that this guy cares for you. Having time away from you will make him miss you, not forget you. Touching base in a short, playful way every once in awhile helps remind him of how fun you are and he will miss you even more1
Next, as hard as it is let yourself begin to enjoy life again. Why? Because men are very attracted to woman who are happy and satisfied in their lives. Again, this probably seems weird but it is true. Also, take a look at the Irresistible Insights page on this site and see which books appeal toy at this time. There is a whole resource of information that James shared on that page that I think would be very helpful to you at this time. Read through some then check back with any questions or updates. We’re here for you!
Kanya
Hi Melissa, Welcome to the forum. We’re so glad that you are here! I’m sorry things are getting a it boring in your relationship. While that is common you don’t need to settle for that. I’m soooo glad that you see this and are committed to bringing some spark back. How long have the two of you been together? DO you live together or separately. How frequently do you do special things as a couple?
To start, I recommend you look on the Irresistible Insights page of this site. On it you’ll find a number of articles by James that I think would be helpful to you at this time. There are two that jump out at me as a place to start; Get Him Working and Sweep Him Off His Feet. I suggest you read through both of these and think of ideas that you can apply to your relationship at this time that would fit for the two of you. Take a look and let us know if you have ay questions about how to proceed. WE are here to help! Look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Shannon, That is great news! It sounds as though the two of you are back on track. I really acknowledge you for how you have handled this situation. From my perspective you did a few things that were vital.First, you didn’t walk away because of his mistake. You trusted your gut regarding who he was and what the two of you had. You didn’t allow a person who is not part of your relationship get between the two of you. You also managed your understandable anxiety about the future. This was key and helped both of you talk openly about what happened and seek support. I hope that you give yourself credit for all of this! You demonstrated a level of maturity that serves relationships well!
How are you feeling in terms of trust in him and the relationship at this point?
Kanya
Hi Heather, That is a difficult situation. It is sad that people don’t understand the importance of loving and caring and how it can transcend age. It sounds as though you are okay dealing with the scrutiny but that he has a difficult time imagining a way through. Have you asked him to be specific about what would be difficult for him? Are there particular people that he respects that may react negatively. I wonder if he is concerned that he will loose the support of people that are important to him. Have the two of you considered spending time together as friends with some of your church community? Perhaps if the see you together, and see the caring between you, they will become more comfortable with the two of you dating?
In addition to people in your church, how do you think your friends and family would respond? DO you have allies that could help the rest of the community become more accepting?
Kanya
Hi JM, I agree with Stephanie. I think that asking is a great idea. It gives you the opportunity to ignite his hero instinct. If it is too much he can tell you that it doesn’t work for him. If he isn’t available then maybe a brother or male friend could go with you?
Kanya
Hi Dianna, So let me clarify. The two of you were together for almost 2 years. When you decided to move you decided to end the relationship. Now that it is over you regret that decision. Is that accurate? I can understand that. You are in a new situation and it will take time for life to feel full again. It will naturally take time for you to create a community and feel as though the new city is home. How long ago did you move? I totally get that you are missing him and the stability and caring in that relationship. How much of it is actually missing the relationship versus missing home and the life that you led there?
I’m also wondering if you have openly shared your thoughts with him about the situation? Has he expressed interest in maintaining a long distance relationship? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Theresa, It sounds like you were honest and authentic intuit conversation. Wow, you are so brave! Just so you know, I think that your intention to leave if things were in a positive place was a good decision. It showed that you are willing to look after yourself and to now put yourself in a position that didn’t make sense for you! It is important that w partner with people who want toe best for each other, who won’t ask each other to put themselves in overly vulnerable situations, and who will advocate for each other’s success and happiness. It sounds like you are doing a great job at that. I’m excited for you to meet someone who can do that as well! What are you doing to take care of yourself and nurture yourself these days?
Kanya
