[Kanya D]

Hi Anne, I can understand why this was difficult to see. As the saying foes, it’s hard to see the correct for the trees. I am glad to hear that you realize you need to be with someone who supports you as a parent. This is so vital as your heart will always be with your son. Being with someone who attempts to come between the two of you would be heart breaking for you and your son. You are being very wise to walk away from this.

I will share that in these situations, when we walk away from something that we know doesn’t fit for us, we make room for what we do want, and for something that fits so much better. The more clear you get the more specific the Universe can be in bringing you someone who is far better than what you can imagine! We’re here to support you though this so please keep us posted.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

HI Anne, Welcome to the forum! Here is what I see. He wants to be with a woman that the can have all to himself. He has a high need to singular attention and devotion. Since you have a child, he can never get that with you. He has already demonstrated that he can’t accept the attention that you will naturally give to your son. You are a good mom and of course your son is going to be a priority in your life. And, kids seldom schedule their needs. On the contrary, they need us when it is inconvenient, when it means we need to drop other things to be with them and support them. D does not understand this and will fight this whenever it arises. It will complicate your life and he will consistently ask you to choose between him and your son. If you are honest with yourself about this dynamic, is it something that you want to live with?

I think he wants you but he does not want to be with a woman who has a child. That is why he comes and goes. He will continue to do this as his goal is to get his needs met, not to help you get your needs met. If you were truly his priority, he would want to help you be a good mother as that will make you happier. And, if you are happier the relationship would be better, stronger, more enjoyable. But that isn’t his focus. His focus it to be the center of your world and that just isn’t a realistic expectation. I can understand why you would feel closer to him after sleeping together and I am glad that you see he didn’t feel closer after that. Yes, it is painful but it is important to see and sex is not going to make him feel slow, it is not going to solve any differences. While it is painful, it is important to see.

I think you need to focus on being honest with yourself about whether you want to be with him. Accepting who he is and trusting that he is not going to change is important. Based on who he is, not who you want him to be, can you envision a happy and equal relationship with this person? I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Manasvi, I’m so sorry that he basically ghosted you. I can only imagine how painful and confusing that is for you. I’m guessing that you attributed some of his friendly behavior to a higher level of interest in a relationship then he actually had. YEs, he spent time with you and would sometimes bring take out but that isn’t want a man who wants a lasting relationship does. I think that for him this was a friends with benefits situation and for you it started to become more. Most likely he is distancing because he can’t give you more. There are a lot of reasons why he can’t give you more but the basic is that he can’t. And, he knows this. So he pulled away thinking it would be less hurtful than staying and leading you on. It is really sad because you are friends and will interact in the future. I hope that he can be honest with you at some point. IN the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself and get support?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Georgette, Welcome to the forum. On the one hand this is a challenging situation and on the other hand it really isn’t. You were aware of the difficulties facing you and your initial instinct was to not move forward. I think that was wise. Then, you started to rationalize the ways that it would be okay if you saw him on a less then serious basis because if you approached it in that way then I think, you convinced yourself that you would not be hurt or disappointed. But here you are; he takes his time responding to you, he has his commitments to his family which will always come first and be his priority,

You mention that you have no rights in this situation. Think about what you are saying in that statement. No one should be in a situation where their needs are not equal to the rights of the person they are seeing. If you are in a situation where you are freely giving up your rights, I suggest you consider why you are willing to do that. He may have a lot of the qualities that you want in a partner but the reality is, he is not available at this time. He says that he will be available in 5 years but until those divorced papers are signed and he and his wife have healing and agree to move on, he is not available. And his actions are showing you that.

You mention that you aren’t willing to lower your standards but you are currently lowering your standards. You want someone to be there for you, to respond to you, to be a part of your life. That is not unusual and not too much to ask for. The reality is, you cannot ensure that he picks you if and when he decides to divorce. Quite frankly, it is unlikely that he will chose you given the that if his wife and children EVER get a sense that this was going on before a divorce, will act out their anger about that for the rest of their lives. If you really want this I think your first instinct was correct – continue to develop a non-romantic friendship with this person. Then, if he ever does divorce, it will be an easier road to get together and build a solid future. I know that is not what you are hoping to hear but I do feel you are stuck in a situation that is making it impossible to see things clearly. I look forward to hearing back from you!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Luisa, I answered this question in your other thread!

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Great! I also noted a second thread from you were you asked about how to respond when he talks about having a difficult day. I’ll answer that one here rather than having two threads going. First, I would reflect back what you heard so that he knows you are really listening. Then I would try a couple of different things to see what really works for him. Here are some ideas:
Sounds like you are doing a really great job handling a difficult situation
Is there anything I can do to help
You’re a really great problem solved
I believe in you
You got this

You know him better than I, what response do you think would mean the most to him?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Samantha, Welcome to the forum! I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. I can’t imagine how difficult it has all been for you to figure out on your own. I am glad that you finally decided to speak to a professional. I hope you re still meeting with them given all that you are dealing with right now. There is clearly a connection between the two of you yet there has been a lot of chaos. It seems that he may be feeling that he is done with the chaos and wants a calmer life with open communication. The best thing you can do is continue to show him that you have changed. That you are no longer internalizing and that you can talk, not just react, to what you are feeling and how life is affecting you.

You mentioned that you are freaking out. I encourage you to take all that you have leaned in therapy and from past conversations with him and use those skills to rebalance. There is nothing to freak out about. This relationship may or may not more forward but if it does not, you will be okay. You will be more than okay. I wonder if part of you has been on the fence with him for the better part of this relationship. Now, with the thought of this support system going away you are afraid. He helped you through a very difficult time and as you shared, just his presence was comforting. The thought of that presence going away must be scary. You pushed everyone away but him and now he might be out. That probably is making you feel insecure and alone. Instead of seeing him as your life line, you need to learn to be that person for yourself and also engage family and friends, people who already have a life time commitment to you, to be part of your support system. Is your therapist helping you at this time? Learning to manage your anxiety about this and utilizing coping skills that help to calm you down is vital. Yes, he may decide that he is not open to being in the relationship at this time but what role is he actually playing at this point? You have lived in different cities for months. He is not a part of your day to day life. How often were you connecting? Figure out what you have actually been getting in this relationship then see how you and your community can help give you those things. Otherwise, you will be clingy with him and possibly demanding which is the opposite of what you really want to be with him.

Are you imagining what you will loss in the future if you aren’t together? While this is normal, I encourage you to stay in the present with what actually is happening, not with what could or would happen in the future. In the past, how did you find the way to be confident and secure with him in these conversations?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi, While I understand your concerns about being rejected, you can’t control him or the outcome. Since he is reaching out to you so often, there doesn’t appear to be a reason to figure out how to approach him. I think that you need to get really clear on what you want and need to be ready to move forward. Then, start a conversation as Heidi suggested. Ask him what it is he wants at this stage. Share what you need to be open to trying again. It seems you both want to have less arguing. You also want to be integrated into him life by meeting his family and friends and spend time as a couple. If he says that he wants that one day but needs more time, beware. Say no to anything less than what you want.

It is also a good idea to keep some distance while you really work things out. It is also important to find ways to navigate this without arguing. Learn to disagree while still being respectful and being open to listening and understanding even if you don’t agree with his opinion. Is that something you are open to learning?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Michele, I’m really glad that you are working through the Relationship Rewrite. Have you started working the steps one at a time? When James talks about extended time horizons that means that we are looking at a long term goal. When you were married, and things were good, what types of behaviors or experiences were important to him? What helped him feel and stay connected? Can you think of ways to repeat this behavior now? Let’s say that he loved something you cooked. Can you make some and then give him a bit when you see him just because you had extra? Is there a movie that he really likes or a musician that he likes? Can you send him a link to a performance you found on youtube? There are ways to be friendly and remind him of the fun and beautiful experiences you have had.

Have you tried to initiate his hero instinct lately? That is also a way to get him reengaged. In what ways can you ask for his assistance?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Rhonda, You did a great job explaining it! I remember you talking about your feelings about church and your spiritual differences with them. I can understand how confusing this all it. What I love is that you are learning to really trust yourself and build your own relationship with God which is so important! Your faith is so strong because you have build it step by step. It is solid and strong. Good for you!

I can understand your concerns about Robin. Being one of the few people he trusts and his one friend must feel like a lot. It is important that you trust your gut on this and to try to take care of him more that he is taking care of himself. DO you have an idea of whey he doesn’t tryst people and why he isn’t keen on friendships?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Shayla, I like the you are continuing to take a step back and focus on making yourself happy again. It seems as though it is working! I do think that it is important to share your insights when you re ready. It might be helpful for him to know that the dynamic that played out was not something you want to repeat. When you are ready to do that, you can do it in a few sentences and give him time to process it and ask questions if he has them. Often woman try to initiate a big talk which can overwhelm a guy just thinking about that. So dropping smaller chunks of info and giving him time to process in his cave would probably work well.

How are you feeling about taking some space to work on yourself? What types of things are you doing with this time? How are you supporting yourself/

Kanya

[Kanya D]

I believe what Heidi meant by only use it when truly inspired is only use it when you are not attached to a certain response of outcome. Otherwise, he may feel some pressure in your words. Have you had the experience in the past of giving to someone with literally no expectation of anything positive coming back to you? When you want to make someone feel good simply for them or you want to create something beautiful for others to experience? That is what it means to be truly inspired.

If you want him to lead then I would wait a bit to see if he initiates a meeting. At the same time, I also caution you about getting ahead of yourself. Are you dating and getting to know other guys at this stage? I hear that you might be putting all you have into this friend and could get back to that place of understandable frustration if he does not respond in kind. Where are you at with your feelings for him? Can you continue to give to him while still taking space and giving your yourself? Just curious if you have a history or experiencing unrequited love with other friends or coworkers.

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Simmonds, I can understand how frustrated you must be. One the one hand you do enjoys me aspects of the relationship but not he other hand it feels like it is too much work for little return. And yes, it does seem that he is missing the emotional maturity to be able to meet you in the middle. That is not sustainable. One thing that I always recommend is that you listen to your inner voice when making decisions. By this I mean you do not have to have his agreement or understanding if/when things are not working for you. You have shared with him what isn’t working for you and the pattern is; he apologizes, then says it is your fault for how he is treating you in a variety of areas. That isn’t accurate. He is motivating himself to behave in a certain way whether he can see that or not.

You mentioned something in your last post that I want to clarify. Are you saying that he is not exclusive in this relationship but that you are? Is he dating a variety of woman and expecting you to be exclusive even if he is not?

I highly recommend you read the book “How To Be An Adult in Relationship.” It is an easy read and does a great job outlining what maturity and emotional maturity looks like in a relationship. Perhaps you can read and see how it affects what you are wanting. There is no doubt that you deserve far more than this man is able to give you. In some ways he just down’t understand the language of a healthy relationship.We all have the opportunity to learn and growth throughout our lives but given that all of his areas of growth are seen as your responsibility makes his a situation that cannot improve. When you check inside, what it is you want in the bigger picture?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Simmonds, I really acknowledge you for talking to him about these things. I know that this isn’t always easy! I agree with what you said about his maturity level. He seems to make you responsible for a lot of things that are actually his responsibility. Being happy in a relationship is motivating but that motivation really needs to come from within. There are several ways that he blames you for things that he is not taking responsibility of; his motivation, making him happy, being enough. It saddens me to think that someone is telling you that you are not enough. That is not okay and if he is not willing to see, I bereave, he will continue to blame you for his thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

In terms of what he is saying about sexual satisfaction. It is really a tall order to feel responsible to satisfy your BF sexually in every way. What does that mean to him and to you? It is another example of where he feels you need to take responsibility for something that is a shared endeavor. It is not realistic for someone to be satisfied in ANY way all the time. This is where his immaturity really shows. He doesn’t understand that our partners are only responsible for a part of our happiness, not all of it. My guess is, even when you do satisfy him sexually, he will find another thing to blame you for or another reason to with hold from you. How frequently does he share that he is happy with you just as you are? How frequently is he just a loving and supportive BF? How frequently does he think about what you want and need? Has he taken the time to figure out what makes you happy and does he make sure to do special things for you? If you are honest with yourself, how balanced does this relationship feel?

Kanya

[Kanya D]

Hi Anna, I’m glad you are reconnecting with the forum. I understand how things might feel confusing. I just want to make sure I am understanding what is currently taking place. It sounds as though you see each other just about every weekend and occasionally he comes over during the week as weel There seems to be less communication than you would like when you are apart. Right now what level of communication do you have? How frequently do you text? Do you FaceTime or talk on the phone?

It also sounds as though he has stepped up his game in that he is initiating more and planning more. What you really want is for him to talk about the future, about how he feels about you, and where he sees this going. When the two of you lived together for a few months did he talk about his feelings? Have you both shared what you are looking for long term and if you think this is something you can do together. It is important to remember that you have only been dating for about 7 months. Living together for a period of time probably made you feel like you have been together longer so going back to dating can be confusing. He is seeing you frequently which he would not do if he wasn’t interested. Is he someone who tends to talk about his feelings in general or someone who tends to demonstrate feelings through his actions?

Have you initiated a conversation with him about this? It is something that you can bring up in a playful way. Are you looking for a commitment, for him to say that he loves you? What feels like it is missing for you, specifically?

Kanya

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