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Hi Emily, I hear you. It is difficult to understand why someone who is so attractive, who has girls throwing themselves at him, would be shy. The thing is, when someone is shy there is usually some underlying reasons the they are self conscious. While others see him as attractive, he may not see that. He may think of himself as less than in some way and wants to avoid getting too close to others for fear that they will see his imperfections. While he may understand that everyone has imperfections, he may think of his as larger than or more noticeable than others. He may be uncomfortable having conversations or spending time with new people for fear that he will make a mistake or say something that others deem stupid. SO much could be going on for him and unfortunately part of this is that he isn’t willing to let others know what is going on.
I agree that we can’t know for sure if this is what is going on but I thought I would share my perception about being shy. I get the sense that you are thinking about this a lot. Is that accurate? If so, I encourage you to take a BIG step back and regroup. Focus your attention on things that make you feel empowered and productive. Let this guy go for now and see how you feel in a week or two. This is a lot of thinking about a guy who isn’t really engaging or responding in a way that is substantial. Spend time with friends and family that make you feel good about yourself. Give yourself a break from trying to figure him out. So, for now breath in and breath out! Remember, we are here to support you so check in anytime you need some support!
Kanya
Hi Amy, Wow, I love your insight! The mixed message situation will get old fast. I get the sense that he is dangling a carrot in front of you to keep you interested just in case. That definitely doesn’t feel so good.
It’s just not fair or appropriate to talk about a future while also communicating that you aren’t ready to date. TO me someday statements aren’t appropriate unless one is in a relationship and actively building something with someone. He’s day dreaming about a future versus taking steps to create a future. This is a red flag to me. I’m so glad that you are on the forum and sharing your concerns.
I think that you are wise to back off and set the emotional boundary that lets him know you won’t participate in the game unless both parties are playing at 100%. Keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Emily, ughhh. It is so hard to know what is going on with a shy guy. They tend to keep things close to the vest which can leave us scratching our heads a lot of the time. I wonder if he has some social anxiety and the thought of going to a party makes him want to run for the hills? I wouldn’t make any assumptions at this time. Just keep putting invites and smiles out there and give him time to see how safe and approachable you are. I would say that it is probably a good idea to keep your options.
Also recommend you take a look at the “Help Him Ask You Out” course available under the “Irresistible insights” page on this site. In it James talks about the 3 different types of guys and how to get the attention of each one. I think you will find it really helpful. Take a look and let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Ladies, I agree that men can have body images as well. It is difficult when you feel bad about your body whether you are a man or a women. Perhaps being reassuring and reminding him of all the things that are attractive would help to reassure him!
Carol, just checking in to see how you are doing!
Kanya
Hi Maria, I can understand your excitement and enthusiasm! When you feel this way for someone of course you want to find a way to work through the obstacles so that you can be together.
I am aware that a lot would have to change for the two of you to be able to be together; one of you would need to move, one of you would need to possibly start their career or business over in a new city, etc. You mention he has an 8yer old. Most likely this means that you would need to move to where he is. Is that something that you are open to doing. Finally, you both would need to end relationships which is not an easy thing.
I’d love to clarify a few things. First, when did the two of you come to the conclusion that you are in love? How frequently do you see each other? When you communicate is it connected in a personal way via phone or FaceTime versus texting? You note that he has pulled away and I’m wondering if he too would like to find a way to be together? Have you tried igniting his hero instinct. You can definitely do this from afar! Please share more so that we know how to best support you!
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Lois, I want to echo Heidi’s words. It is so important that he see you respect him and honor him. Not being able to do so in the past created a lot of challenges for both of you. It will take time to rebuild trust and for him to know that things really are different. You mention that you are working on your anger. Can you share more about what the looks like for you? It’s going to be important to develop new ways of communicating when you are upset or frustrated. I’m wondering, have the two of you had a chance to disagree in a positive way since all of this happened?
Kanya
Hi Emily, That is a great question and I’m sorry that we probably missed the window for answering this before the service. I do not think that going to an earlier service would be stalking at all! I think it s a great and easy way to ‘run’ into him. If he asks why you are at the earlier service just tell him that it works better for your schedule on that day. I agree with Heidi in terms of keeping the door open a bit longer. I know it is soooo scary but if he is shy it may just take some time for him to feel comfortable in your presence, to be ready to open up a little at a time.
As I said, my guess is you already attended a service today. How did it go?
Kanya
Hi Carol, I am so glad that you are reaching out for some support. And, I’m glad other that you know you are not inadequate. Please remember that this is a reflection of something happening inside of him not a reflection of your worth or value.
I have a few questions; When you are together are the two of you affectionate, hold hands, cuddle? Is he physically connected to you in any way? I wonder if his body is functioning in the way that he would like during sex. also, did his body go through a large transformation lately; weight loss, weight gain, etc. I would have a bigger conversation with him about this. I’m wondering if this is how he behaved i past relationships as well? Lots of people are intimate the dark so I’m not sure that being self conscious about how he looks paints the whole picture.
Do you have any thoughts about what might be going on for him? I know this is difficult but let’s see if there is more information that could help guide us. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Sumithra, I can hear how upsetting this is for you. It seems like it was a shock for you when he told you that you wanted to end things. I’m glad that the two of you talked but it seems as though he is still really upset about what happened. Here is the thing, this is not a small thing for him. This is a big deal for him. You may not understand why but it is important that you take him seriously. I understand why you feel that bringing back good memories is important. The thing is, if he doesn’t feel that you are taking him seriously, no amount of good memories will rebuilt trust. What will rebuild trust is him seeing you take his concerns seriously and make some changes. I sense that he is not comfortable with the ongoing bickering about long talks at night. Have you considered apologizing for this, letting him know that you are sorry that you didn’t take his need seriously, and seeing if the two of you can find a compromise?
Kanya
Hi Natalie, I can understand why you would want things to go back to the way they were. The thing is, in any relationship, things will get hard. There will be times when one or both people don’t have much to give. Usually this happens in waves; couples have times of great connection followed by times of stress and disconnect. Couples that can weather this are waiting for each other when the wave of disconnect subsides. Perhaps tis is the first wave that the two of you are experiencing?
I wanted to note that he shared that he wasn’t okay emotionally as well as sexually. IF the nerve damage is starting to affect his sexual abilities he may be experiencing embarrassment. As Heidi shared, right now he isn’t producing in his life and he probably feels vert lost and possibly humiliated that he can’t be the man he wants to be. I agree that the emotional closeness is what is important right now. Try to nurture that and ride out this wave. I know it is difficult so be sure to connect with people in your life who remind you of how amazing you are! Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Shannon, It sounds like you two are building some serous emotional intimacy which is vital to a close and loving relationship. I can understand why the lack of physical intimacy is frustrating. Continue to be willing to talk about it and being flexible with how intimacy can show up. Perhaps he can talk to his doctor about an alternative medication that wouldn’t have these side effects?
In terms of Heidi’s question; do you see this becoming all that you want it to be?
Kanya
Hi Natalie, I am so sorry that this occurred. It must feel very confusing. I have a few questions. How long were the two of you dating before he ended things? What type of physical challenges is he dealing with? HAs he been able to maintain relationships in the past even with this physical challenge? When the two of you speak (is it texting or speaking) what is the conversation like and who tends to initiate?
There are a couple of things that come to mind for me. I wonder if he is feeling overwhelmed in some way. Sometimes things seem easy to manage and then when something unexpected comes along it can really through us off our game. Small things, even things that we enjoy, can start to feel overwhelming and out of control. When he shared that he was not emotionally available did he talk about why this was or what changed? Does he have fibromyalgia or another pain disorder? I wonder if that is taking all of his focus to manage at this point. During your recent conversations what has he said about his current health and managing his symptoms. I’m just looking for some clues here that could help us.
There are a lot of different things you can do to get his attention back. I suggest you start with the Irresistible Insight page on this site. Two articles see extra appropriate based on where you are; The ‘When He pulls Away’ and ‘Compliments That Draw Men Close.’ Please read through each one ad start consider how you can apply the suggestions to your particular situation. Then, run some ideas by us and we will be happy to support you! Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Ziya, I’m so sorry this has occurred. I can understand why you feel sad and confused. It sounds as though the two o you have a nice connection. Of course it is hard to understand why he would want to stop building on that.
A few things come to mind. You mention that he was sick for a bit. DO you know what was wrong? The reason i ask is because I wondered if it was related to his kidney. You mentioned that while he was waiting for a transplant he didn’t allow himself to date. I wonder if this scared him and make him reconsider letting someone get close to him. Di he share about what was ailing him and can you share it here?
Also, as men get more involved at work it is often difficult for them to find balance inter personal lives. Perhaps he was feeling badly that he wasn’t able to give to you in the way that he really wanted. Some men will end the relationship rather than continue if the fear hurting the woman they really care about. Do you know how much dating and relationship experience he has had in the past? I wonder if he has had difficult finding balance another relationships.
In terms of your message, I would send a shorter version as he has already indicated that he is feeling overwhelmed with his decision.
Hi AK,
About Saturday. I acted more with my heart than with my mind. I know you have your reasons and I wanted to just say: “Ok, AK,” but I also didn’t want to let you go without a fight because over a short time, you became special to me and I wanted you to know we could support each other through anything. I still feel that way and will always have a place in my heart for you.
I know you want to say more but I think that saying more might push him away. I would also refrain from saying you are letting him go. You can keep the door open for him even as you start to move forward. It makes sense that you are feeling like you are in shock. This is a lot to take in. You ill want to go to him to get more understanding but for now I encourage you to go to your friends nd family for support. You want him to notice your absence so that he starts to wonder if he has made the right decision. After you send the above message I would wait a few weeks then send him a short text igniting his hero instinct. Ask him a question about something he can counsel you with. Then, after he responds, be thankful and then step back. Again, this will make him think of you and wondering where you went, what you are doing, etc. I know it is really difficult but finding a balance in your communication is important at this point. I’ve shared a to and I am curious about what you think.
Kanya
Hi Lyla, That is so frustrating and confusing. I’m sorry that he has pulled back. I wonder if he is just feeling cautious. Have the two of you seen each other since the party or are you just communicating through text?
If you really like him I would suggest you develop a friendship. I would be clear that it is only a friendship, not a friends with benefits situation. Be your amazing self, flirt, be playful and fun, and give things a chance to develop. While in a friendship I would definitely suggest you utilize the respect principle as well as igniting his hero instinct. These behaviors will get his attention and set you apart from other women in his life.
If you are initiating contact I would pull back and give him the chance to initiate more. Let him wonder where you are and if YOU are still interested. While women feel this is mean, men often find this intriguing and exciting. Does that make sense? How frequently are you initiating contact at this time?
Kanya
