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Hi Ruta, Welcome to the site. We’re so glad that you have joined us! Thanks for sharing so fully. It really helps to understand what you have been going through and dealing with. I want to reflect back to you something that you shared at the end of your post:
Simply I prefer to find the one and stay with him. Not with a few others at the same time.You know who you are and you know what you want! That is an important place to start. Let’s break this down a bit. You long term guy sounds as though he may be a narcissist. There is a lot of information out there available to you if you want to learn more about it. One thing that really strikes me is that you keep going back for more even though your body, mind, and spirit seem to be telling you to walk away. I know that is difficult to hear but if your body is getting sick as a result of the, that is serious. This type of stress needs to be present and affect you for a long time before it hits at the physical level. It is vital that you pay attention to this!
You mention several times that you love this person. I believe you and I know what that can feel like. The thing is, loving someone is never a reason to stay with someone who mistreats you. Never. You need to love you first, then love others. It’s like what they say during the safety instructions on a plane, If the oxygen masks drop down put it o yourself first, then help others put it on. I know we aren’t really encouraged to do this in life. Often we are told we are selfish for wanting to put ourselves first but the opposite is actually true. We need to take care of ourselves first so that we have more to share with others. This man is incapable to loving you the way you deserve to be loved. You have given it many years and through I believe he is trying to change, I also believe any change will be minimal. I’m sorry fifths is difficult to hear but I want you to value yourself enough to trust what your heart and mind are telling you.
And, you don’t need to accept the second guy as your partner. He isn’t making partnering with you a priority so why would you do that for him? What if you take some time on your own, without a guy in your life, and see how strong and capable you feel. It is much easier to figure out what you want, what is okay and not okay, when you have some breathing room. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Gaoia, Thanks for sharing some additional information-that is helpful! I’m glad that you are able to focus some energy on your life at this time. That is going to be important as you move through this! I’m glad that he is able to open up at times thought it is unfortunate that he needs to be intoxicated when it happens. Once he is sober does her remember opening up? If so, that might be a way to start a conversation when he is sober. He will feel more vulnerable and that is scary.
It is interesting that he is doing a lot to push you away yet he has been affected by so many people abandoning him. Did his father leave the family or die when he was young? It sounds like he has such a sad and heavy heart where his losses are concerned. Have the two of you talked about working with a counselor or therapist? While this is a difficult step for many couples to make, it can be invaluable to have a 3rd party, trained in couples counselor, to help a couple understand and work through their challenges. The reality is, every couple will trigger each other in ways that surprise and overwhelm them. It is just what happens when we open up to be close to someone. We tend to be attracted to people who will help us resolve some of your childhood pain. It is scary and confusing when the person we love the most is triggered by us or triggers us. In a weird way that is a natural response and one that I wish people were taught. Getting some support as you work through this is important.
My guess is he is terrified of losing another person he cares about. When those types of feelings are under the surface we tend to respond in ineffective ways. Over time, without assistance, a lot of emotional damage can be done to the relationship. I’m also wondering if you re open to seeing a counselor or another professional who can help you navigate this difficult time? I’m also wondering about where his mom is and i what way, if any, is she involved in giving him feedback etc?
Kanya
Hi Gaoia, I too am so sorry that this is happening. I can totally understand the desire to stick by his side as he goes through this difficult time. I acknowledge your tenacity an desire to help him. The things is, until he is really to be helped nothing you do will help him. Based on where he is, he is probably more likely to push back against you with any help or assistance you offer. In a way, trying to help him might be pushing him away. He is clearly mixed up and while he is dealing with a lot off pain he is not dealing with it in a healthy nor effective way. Ii am not saying that you need to divorce him but I do think it is reasonable to consider if living with him is the best way to help him at this time. Since he his resentment and anger is so strong, I wonder if not being with you on a daily basis might be better for him at this time. I think he may be trying to prove toy a lot of things through his behavior. If you aren’t living with him he might slow down a bit. We can’t know for sure but for that reason I would encourage you to be open to considering the different options available to you at this time.
I wanted address something that you shared above. You said that people who think about themselves are selfish and that this is the cause of many divorces. I’m not sure that I agree with that. I think that we all need to willing to know ourselves and care for ourselves and be honest about what we need. When we can do that, share that with your partner, and respond to each other and you needs appropriately. Couples that do that have amazing relationships. They aren’t always easy, but they are conscious and always growing and there is room for each others needs. YEs, there will be ups and downs but both partners needs need to be valued and honored.
Can you tell me more about what you mean when you say that you are moving on with your life too?
Kanya
Hi Lorelle, I’m glad that makes sense to you. I think having a conversation is a great idea. He is giving some mixed signals so perhaps he isn’t even sure what he wants or how to achieve that. I acknowledge that you care for him and want to develop something more meaningful. I’m wondering, what has led him to believe that you are in love with him? I wonder if this is something that is freaking him out a bit. Can you share more?
In terms if sex at this point, many women want to be clear that they are in a relationship before having sex. Ultimately you need to decide what wrks for you and then set the appropriate boundaries. There is no right and wrong in that so trust your gut and do what feels right to you.
Kanya
Hi Lorelle, I agree that this is a great time to focus on other things in your world! Maybe it’s time to clean out the closets, paint the front door, binge watch something juicy. The next season of Outlander starts on Saturday and if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it! Very romantic!
Anyway, as I read over the communications I found myself wondering if maybe this is about the two of you moving at really different speeds. Maybe you also interpret the idea of letting things evolve differently. Perhaps his intention is to develop a deeper friendship first while yours is more about developing a relationship? Maybe he is thinking he doesn’t need to put much thought into things at this pace as he just wants to see where things will go first. Do you think it would be helpful to talk to him about this. It can be a light conversation but it sounds like there is some question about whether the two of you are heading in the same direction. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Ashley, I’m so glad that you are reaching out for some ideas! Ughhh. When something like this happens out of the blue it can feel so confusing. I would start by igniting his hero instinct. Think of something he is good at then send him an “I need your help text.” When he responds tell him how you need his help. When he provides it say thank you in a big way and take a step back. Give him time to think of you and wonder why you aren’t pursuing him.
It might be helpful if you shared with me more about the relationship. Are you dating? Just texting and/or messaging? Was there an argument the precipitated things going south? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Jane, I am so sorry that this happened. It must feel rather shocking given your experience in the past few months. I don’t have a lot of information but let’s see what we can figure out. Did the two of you have an argument of become aware of a major difference between the two of you? Please share anything that you can think of.
I’m also wondering if he got scared about what was happening, how good it felt, and started to second guess himself. This can happen sometimes. Often a man will decide that he cannot make a woman happy in the long run and he decides to call it a day sooner rather than later. Do you think that he was giving so much to the relationship that it was affecting his work or other parts of his life in some way? When I think of the word sustainable I think of a level of participation that is difficult to maintain. Do you think that might be part of what is going on for him>
When a guy gets scared, I think of him retreating to his cave. The more a woman stands outside of the cave and calls to him, the deeper he goes into the cave. Instead, Suggest you give him a little time. In a week or so send him a simple text that ignites his hero instinct. Think of something he is good at of something that he can help you with. Send this tech “I need your help.” When he responds ask your question or request. Men most often respond well to this. Accept his help then let him know that it was soooo helpful and that you really appreciate him. Then, resist the urge to talk about the relationship or what has occurred. Instead, take a step back. This will give him time to think of you and miss you and also wonder why you aren’t pursuing things more.
Ii know this is a lot of information. Before I share more I’m wondering what you think of what I’ve shared so far?
Kanya
Hi Nancy, I’m curious, how did the two of you connect and begin to text? Have you ever met in person? Talked on FaceTime? Any of your friends or family know him?
Kanya
Hi Lorelle, I agree! I think flirty is the best approach. From what you’ve shared he is a guy that can be intensely open and intimate at times even though he is also distant at times. This can be confusing and is probably the reason so many women have fallen in love with him fast. For ow, slowing your role and only participating in things that you are ready to participate in makes sense. How are you doing with taking this slowly, one step at a time?
Kanya
Hi Nancy, I’m glad to hear form you. Welcome to the forum. Can you share more about this man and where the two of you are with everything. How did you meet, have you spent time together, etc.
In terms of the 12 simple words, my understanding was that that idea was in a program that James recommended but not something that was part of Be Irresistible. There are many other things that we can help you with. Please feel free to share more information so that we can guide and support you!Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Lorelle, I really acknowledge your ability to take in new information and ideas! That is an amazing skill.
I love what Heidi shared, she is so eloquent! Yes, I do have some ideas about how to talk about sexual boundaries. I think it is perfectly acceptable to let him know that you need to get to know him better. Also tell him that getting to know each other is something that just takes time. I wouldn’t hold it a denying him though as that can start to feel punitive in some ways. Instead, Would think of it as a connection that you want to take time to develop. The is no need to rush ahead and actually taking time getting to know someone in that way can be very sexy. It allows you both to build anticipation and excitement. If the two of you really do build something lasting you will want to experience new things with each other in the future as well as in the present.
So, if he wants something that you aren’t ready for, let him know that you need to know him better or that you need to feel more comfortable to that you re exited to build something with him but that it takes time. If he is really in this then he will understand and support your need to wait. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rosmini, Welcome to the forum, we are glad you are here!
So, let me just recap a bit. You and your sweeting met on line and have been talking for 5 months long distance. Does this mean that the two of you have never met in person? Just video chat and text? It’s lovely that the two of you fell in love. While it is normal for communication to lighten up the longer you date, it sounds as though you are concerned that it might be a sign of waining interest. My first question is, have you tried to ignite his hero instinct? Due to distance you can’t ask him to come over and move piece of furniture, you ca ask for his advice and guidance. Start by thinking of a question or something you would like guidance with. Then, send him a simple text that says “I need your help.” When he responds, as him the question or request guidance. When he helps, let him know how helpful he was. Treat him like your knight in shining armor. Then, take a step back and give him time to bask in the glow of helping you. He will reach out again soon! What do you think of that idea?
Kanya
Hi Rosmini, Welcome to the forum, we are glad you are here!
So, let me just recap a bit. You and your sweeting met on line and have been talking for 5 months long distance. Does this mean that the two of you have never met in person? Just video chat and text? It’s lovely that the two of you fell in love. While it is normal for communication to lighten up the longer you date, it sounds as though you are concerned that it might be a sign of waining interest. My first question is, have you tried to ignite his hero instinct? Due to distance you can’t ask him to come over and move piece of furniture, you ca ask for his advice and guidance. Start by thinking of a question or something you would like guidance with. Then, send him a simple text that says “I need your help.” When he responds, as him the question or request guidance. When he helps, let him know how helpful he was. Treat him like your knight in shining armor. Then, take a step back and give him time to bask in the glow of helping you. He will reach out again soon! What do you think of that idea?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, Ouch. I am so sorry that he set you up in this way. That must have been shocking and confusing. From what little you’ve shared it sounds as though you have chosen to date him secretly once you found out that he was in a committed relationship. I’m sure this is not something that you do easily. Often this type of involvement happens a little at a time. Then one day you wake up and boom, you’re in a situation that you never thought you would be in.
You shared some of the facts but I am wondering how you are feeling about this situation? Also, are you wanting any specific guidance or support? So looking forward to hearing more from you!
Kanya
Hi Natalie, Good job on utilizing the Hero Instinct! I’m glad that it is working so well.
In terms of inviting him to your fight, my first suggestion is to take the pressure of of yourself. There is no such things as a perfect text message. I suggest you just be yourself. Let things build again and in a few weeks let him know that it would make you “so happy to see him at your fight” if he is ready he will be there. And, if he is not ready and isn’t there the focus needs to be on you and preparing for this fight. You’ve worked really hard I’m sure in terms of training physically, mentally, and psychologically. DOn’t let this or anything else take your attention away from your goals. You are amazing! Keep us posted!
Kanya
