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Hi Mary, It sounds like he is moving forward but that he needs to do so at a slower rate. I get that this is difficult and that you are hoping things will more move quickly and it is difficult to understand why things can’t go more quickly. I often think of a relationship like a small delicate plant. IN the beginning just a small bit of green appears from the earth. Some days the plant grows slowly and every once in awhile they make a leap. But over time they keep growing. A steady growth is what you want. If you go outside in the morning and begin to pull on the plant to get it to grow faster you end up pulling the plant out of the round and it dies.
Hi Words are very clear to you “You’re killing me with this.” It is important that you learn to manage your anxiety, learn to trust that even when he is not in contact with you that he is still committed to you. To start with, I would stop being the person who initiates contact. Instead, let him initiate. Give him the space to miss you and wonder what you are doing. This is far more interesting to a guy than checking in with him. There may be days when there is no communication. That is okay. He wants to move slowly and this may be what moving slowly looks like to him. Getting there sooner rather than later can’t be your goal. Slowly building a solid relationship needs to be the focus. Keep yourself busy, make plans with family and friends. Clean out your closets. Start a project at home. Nurture that plant. DOn’t over water, don’t pull on it. Just care for it gently and trust that it will grow.
I know this is probably difficult for you to har but I do believe that this is the best path for you at this time. I look forward to haring from you!
Kanya
Hi Lorelle, Wow, a Relationship Mantra-that is amazing! I love that you are so clear that this is what you deserve! I want to acknowledge you for how you have faced this situation. You’ve done a great job educating yourself, learning about you and relationships, and applying what you have learned in a respectful manner. I know that it has taken a lot of patience and hard work. It is great to hear how well things are going. It is lovely other that he is letting you in to this very special part of his life. Please enjoy and keep beaming!
Kanya
Hi or elle, Wow, a Relationship Mantra-that is amazing! I love that you are so clear that this is what you deserve! I want to acknowledge you for how you have faced this situation. You’ve done a great job educating yourself, learning about you and relationships, and applying what you have learned in a respectful manner. I know that it has taken a lot of patience and hard work. It is great to hear how well things are going. It is lovely other that he is letting you in to this very special part of his life. Please enjoy and keep beaming!
Kanya
Hi Mary, So you two just got back together and he is being stand offish, hmmmm. That must be incredible frustrating and confusing for you. You mentioned that you sent a few ‘needy’ texts the day after the two of you reconciled. I get that you apologized but I wonder if that is what is bothering him. Is that possible? If so, can you share more about the neediness you are talking about?
Kanya
Hi Latasha, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult that is. It’s not uncommon for someone to make this type of move and then regret it. If you are committed to waiting this out I encourage you to have a really strong support team as you go through this. Who can you add to your team? Family, friends? Also, are you taking care of yourself? This is vital at this time! Please let us know how we can help!
Kanya
Hi Trine, I agree that there are mixd messages coming your way. I agree with Heidi that some space might be good. You shared that he reaches out daily. Is that accurate? But, he isn’t talking about missing you or putting energy into the relationship. I wonder if he is having a difficult time with the distance, being away, etc? He does seem to understand the he is being different. The next time he apologizes, I would thank him for that and then simply share that you need to feel more connected and give him a specific thing he can do to help you with that. See if he can respond to your request when stated clearly. This is different than telling him what you want to feel and leaving it up to him to figure out. Do you know how long he will be away?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I have to say that I concur with Heidi and I’m wondering if you have some additional thoughts about what she shared? I get that this is really difficult. It is interesting that you shared that the situation is more ‘your fault’ when he is the one living with someone he is in a committed relationship with. I think it is great that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions. Many people are not able/willing to do so today so well done!
That being said, you also need to let him take responsibility for his actions. He wan’t honest with you at the onset of this. He waited until you met and were interested to be honest with you. And, he has chosen to cheat which is very important to pay attention to. SO, what is holding you back from simply telling him the truth. If your connection is real, is strong, honesty is necessary. Simply let him know that this isn’t really working for you. Have an honest conversation about where this is going and what you both are committed to making happen.
The reality is, even if he is in a lease with his partner, there are ways to work around that if you don’t want to be in a relationship. 6 months is a long time to be with someone who is not available and the reality is, your re not his priority. You deserve to be his priority!
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I get your frustration. As you say, he does care about you but I agree that he is concerned that he can’t be the partner you deserve. I wonder if he is concerned that he will continue to do hurtful things the way he has in the past? Can you clarify what some of those behaviors were? DO you know if he did this in past relationships as well? While the things that occurred may not seem insurmountable to you, I think they might feel insurmountable to him. Perhaps you can find out why and help him identify some solutions.
Also, he has been married twice before. It can be really difficult for people to make a commitment to a third marriage. Do you know what contributed to the end of his marriages?
Kanya
Hi Jennifer, I get your frustration. As you say, he does care about you but I agree that he is concerned that he can’t be the partner you deserve. I wonder if he is concerned that he will continue to do hurtful things the way he has in the past? Can you clarify what some of those behaviors were? DO you know if he did this in past relationships as well? While the things that occurred may not seem insurmountable to you, I think they might feel insurmountable to him. Perhaps you can find out why and help him identify some solutions.
Also, he has been married twice before. It can be really difficult for people to make a commitment to a third marriage. Do you know what contributed to the end of his marriages?
Kanya
Hi Gaoia, I’m so sorry there how complicated his family is. Of course he misses his father. That is a really normal response even if he dad wasn’t there for him. It’s also sad that his mom can’t honor and respect him as an adult capable and armed to make his own decisions. I hear that you feel like he wold say no to counseling but I encourage you to ask and keep asking. He is in a lot of emotional pain and if he doesn’t find a way to channel that in a healthy way that makes him stronger he could end up hurting himself in a big way. Find your courage and keep bringing it up until he agrees. Then, make the appointment and go!
How are you caring for yourself emotionally these days? Talking to friends, doing fun things, remembering how amazing you are?
Kanya
Hi Mary, I hear how important this is to you. I’m wondering what the reasons have been for the on again off again nature of the relationship. Can you share more? The reason I ask is because if these continue to be issues I fear that this will be off again soon.
I noticed that he is wanting to take things slowly and you want to make things happen sooner rather than later. Can you share more about what those intentions look like for both of you? I’m so looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Vanessa,I’m so glad that you joined the site. It’s good to have you here! I really acknowledge all the learning you are doing. It makes sense that you want to feel more confident before you reengage with your ex. My first question is; do you want to reconnect with this man? Regardless of how much attention he is showing you now, do you trust him? Do you want him just as he is?
You shared that he is hanging around trying to get your attention. What does that look like? What is he doing that tells you he wants your attention? And, is anything different in terms of your understanding of what you both want? For now, Would let him know that you are enjoying your space, that you resumer busy, that you are focusing on the girls, work, etc. Give yourself more time to learn and become comfortable in these strategies. Doing so will also give you a chance to see if he is really committed to getting things back on track. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Pye, Glad you’ve joined the forum! In terms of the 12 word text, this is something that another coach talked about, not James. There is some overlap but we don’t actually have that information. Instead, I recommend using a test that ignites his hero instinct. Since you still talk daily can you share more, perhaps starting a new thread, about the break up? It will help us better support and coach you. starting a new thread would also help us better track your questions and conversation separately from other conversations. Let me know if you want some assistance in setting up a new thread. Thanks!
Kanya
Hi Ruta, Welcome to the site. We’re so glad that you have joined us! Thanks for sharing so fully. It really helps to understand what you have been going through and dealing with. I want to reflect back to you something that you shared at the end of your post:
Simply I prefer to find the one and stay with him. Not with a few others at the same time.You know who you are and you know what you want! That is an important place to start. Let’s break this down a bit. You long term guy sounds as though he may be a narcissist. There is a lot of information out there available to you if you want to learn more about it. One thing that really strikes me is that you keep going back for more even though your body, mind, and spirit seem to be telling you to walk away. I know that is difficult to hear but if your body is getting sick as a result of the, that is serious. This type of stress needs to be present and affect you for a long time before it hits at the physical level. It is vital that you pay attention to this!
You mention several times that you love this person. I believe you and I know what that can feel like. The thing is, loving someone is never a reason to stay with someone who mistreats you. Never. You need to love you first, then love others. It’s like what they say during the safety instructions on a plane, If the oxygen masks drop down put it o yourself first, then help others put it on. I know we aren’t really encouraged to do this in life. Often we are told we are selfish for wanting to put ourselves first but the opposite is actually true. We need to take care of ourselves first so that we have more to share with others. This man is incapable to loving you the way you deserve to be loved. You have given it many years and through I believe he is trying to change, I also believe any change will be minimal. I’m sorry fifths is difficult to hear but I want you to value yourself enough to trust what your heart and mind are telling you.
And, you don’t need to accept the second guy as your partner. He isn’t making partnering with you a priority so why would you do that for him? What if you take some time on your own, without a guy in your life, and see how strong and capable you feel. It is much easier to figure out what you want, what is okay and not okay, when you have some breathing room. Does that make sense?
Kanya
