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Hi Reema, First I want to reflect back to you how clear and strong you sound. I know it is a difficult decision to make but I acknowledge you for being honest and clear with him.
Just to do some perception checking; it sounds like you are okay if he dates both of you casually but not if he is dating one of you seriously. Is that accurate? At this point does he want to date the other person seriously or casually? I’m wondering if you ended things with him because you actually want to be in an exclusive relationship with him. If so, you are right in that he isn’t ready for that. If you both can keep things casual it sounds like it would work for you as ling as he does more initiating, etc. Am I reading you correctly? Also wondering how you have felt in the past few days?
Kanya
Hi Sarah, I like the suggestions you listed. That does sound supportive! I’m also wondering if you could bring him a meal or something that he would find nurturing. Do you know what his love language is and how to tap into that? Here is a link to a video that will give you some more information on love languages.
Take a look at the video then we can talk about ways to nurture him during this difficult time.
Kanya
Hi Doris, I am sooo sorry. I can imagine how confused and hurt you feel right now. Even know the two of you were back and forth it sounds like there was an expectation that the door was open to talk and figure things out. It sounds like he is in a different place right now. I am concerned that he is treating you in a very negative manner. You share that you haven’t lied to him and that you haven’t dating other people but he clearly doesn’t believe that. I imagine the distance between the two of you is difficult to navigate and difficult to communicate.
Are you going back to your country to visit family and friends or exclusively to see him? If you re going to see other people then I suggest you still go and have fun. I wouldn’t text him until you are there. At that point, send him a text that ignites his hero instinct. That way he can connect with you in a non committal way.Does that make sense?
If you are going just to see him and he is not responding I think you may need to cancel in order to take care of yourself. I also think it might be time to consider if this is the person for you. Doing long distance is really difficult. Both parties need to be able to communicate effectively and trust what the other person is telling them. Have you been long distance for the entire relationship or just part of it? Can you share more about the history of the relationship so that we can better support you? Thanks.
Kanya
It seems like you two have been through a lot with this situation. I can imagine the challenges you are both facing. While the many people are challenging the old ways it is very difficult for family members to accept that. I think that watching the movie together is a great idea! It could open the door to more conversations about him moving with you soon. I suggest you take it slowly and see how the movie night goes! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Alebana, I hear how difficult this decision is for you but I am glad to hear that you are willing to be honest with him. It sounds as though you believe you will loose a friend as well as a FWB. One thing I suggest is that you start to strengthen your other friendships. Spend time with other people and learn to give and receive support from then. That way it may not be as difficult a transition if things do end. I am sad to think that he will cut you off if you have feelings for him. Of course you have feelings for him. I think he has been deluding himself think otherwise. I also think he is working hard to keep his heart safe from getting broken again. How sad for him!
One way to remember that it is going to be alright without him is to remember that you were alright long before you met him. Your happiness didn’t depend on him then and it doesn’t depend on him now. That is vital to remember. Yes, it will take some time to go through this but you will be okay. I would certainly have the conversation in person versus on the phone. Perhaps you do it when the two of you are taking a walk or a hike. That way you won’t be in a position to have to avoid getting close to him. Make sure you each drive separately so that you can each drive home on your own. The best way to avoid being intimate with someone you are really attracted to is to not be alone in a private place with them. Make sense?
I know this is a lot for you so rather than share more perhaps we stop here and you let me know what you think so far?
Kanya
Hi Athira, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It is really difficult when a relationship doesn’t go as you had hoped! Can you tell me what you are doing to support yourself right now? DO you have the support of family and friends? Are you being extra gentle with yourself as you go through this?
So, a few things come to mind. First, no matter how amazing your feelings are for someone, no matter how much you love them, everything in your life cannot begin and end with them. Its not good for many reasons. For now, everything must begin and end with you. You need to be your focus as you heal, no one else.You shared that you weren’t together for too long. Can you clarify how long you were in a relationship and what the relationship was like?
Even though he is gone, you are not alone! This wasn’t a long relationship so what were you doing and how were you feeling before dating him? No one person completes us. That is a Disney version of love and isn’t sustainable by adults. WE cannot jump in and give ourselves to someone. We need to move slowly and get to know that person. And, we need to get to know ourselves WITH that person. Who we are may differently from relationship to relationship and we need to see who we are before we make any long term commitments. It seems as though this relationship may have pushed you away from your connection with yourself and towards connecting with him as your source of joy and happiness. You are the source of that even though it doesn’t feel that way right now. Please share more about the relationship and what you are doing to take care of yourself right now! WE are here to help.
Kanya
Hi Priscilla, WOW what a turn around! I am so proud of you for making this shift. I know it isn’t easy to do but it sounds like you found something that really motivates you. I suggest you keep reading and educating yourself!
So, the two of you have a son as well. How is he doing with the on again off again nature of things? Rather than just pushing for being on again I wonder if it is time for you to get clear on what YOU want? Have you ever actually sat down and thought about your dreams and goals in life and in this situation? If not, I suggest you do so. There reason is so that you will know if what he is offering you is what you really want. Do you want to date, live together, marry? Figure it out then do not settle. I know that this can be scary. We fear that our guy won’t be able to give us all we want so we sometimes take less hoping that we’ll get there one day. While that sometimes happens, often our guy isn’t motivated to give us more. When you get clear on what you want you become empowered. So, if he does want you back one day you can make a clear decision about whether or not he can give you what you want, need, and deserve. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Maria, I am glad that you are here and reaching out for some insight. Yes, I can understand why your feelings are hurt. My guess is you were hoping that he would be all in regardless of what his family said. The thing is, in his culture, family does come before a girlfriend or wife. Many families continue to prefer arranged marriages. While this can seem antiquated to some cultures, this is still very important to his family.
If you are open to it, I’d like to present this situation in a slightly different way. It is pretty amazing that he has been willing to take your relationship this far given your cultural differences. He is openly talking to his parents and while they aren’t happy at least they haven’t pushed him away. He is clear that he doesn’t have answers and that is simply the reality. He doesn’t have answers to the long term questions about this but he is open to continuing to move forward which is a big step.
It is okay if you want more and if you do not want to move forward with him then you have made a good decision. It makes sense that you would miss him and wonder about things – even if you are clear. However, I sense that you may not be clear about your decision. If that is the case perhaps you could meet for coffee and talk about things. If you are willing to embrace a different perspective about this it may be easier for you to talk about it. It is important to be realistic about his family and what to expect. He may be able to manage their disapproval and he may not. Some families will disown children who marry outside of their culture. He may be afraid of that which would make sense.To loose your family is a life changing event.
Given that you are leaving soon do you think you want to talk to him again and see where you both are with this? I don’t know if you have seen the movie “The Big Sick” but it deal with this subject within a family from Pakistan. I think it might be helpful for you to watch at this time. Please let me know what you think!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, I am so glad that the support you have received on the site has been helpful! We love hearing that so thank you for sharing. It sounds as though you are feeling centered and balanced again which is great. One suggestion to to talk about these things in person versus via text. Soooo much is read into text in terms of tone of voice, actual meaning, connection level etc. My guess is you saw that in the report but I thought it was worth repeating.
Keep the great work and do keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Priscilla, This is a great question.
If you are dating I would say something like: I’ve been out a couple of times but I haven’t really met anyone I’m interested in.
If you aren’t dating I suggest you say something like: No, I’m not really ready to date.
The thing with guys is a little competition often encourages them to pursue. In sharing the above you are letting him know that the door is open to a new person but the the door to him isn’t closed either. I get the sense that perhaps the two of you have been down this road before. If you would like to share more information we’d be happy to listen and support you!
Kanya
Hi Chandra, I’m so glad you are here! So, you are a very patient woman! Things have been like this for a year without a lot of forward movement? I’m curious, how did the two of you get together and was this the understanding from the start? I can understand that you want more. It seems like you feel an intense connection and want to continue to explore that. The thing is, I’m not clear from what you shared if this is also something that he is wanting or ever wanted. Can you share more about what you know of his relationship history? HAs he been involved in relationships where he was more open with his friends and family about who he was dating? I’m wondering if this is who he has always been of if it is in reaction to a broken heart in the past?
I think he could be scared. I also think he could be really comfortable where he is. He seems to be getting his needs met without having to think much about what you need. When you have talked about this how has he reacted? Can you please share more?
Kanya
Hi Chandra, I’m so glad you are here! So, you are a very patient woman! Things have been like this for a year without a lot of forward movement? I’m curious, how did the two of you get together and was this the understanding from the start? I can understand that you want more. It seems like you feel an intense connection and want to continue to explore that. The thing is, I’m not clear from what you shared if this is also something that he is wanting or ever wanted. Can you share more about what you know of his relationship history? HAs he been involved in relationships where he was more open with his friends and family about who he was dating? I’m wondering if this is who he has always been of if it is in reaction to a broken heart in the past?
I think he could be scared. I also think he could be really comfortable where he is. He seems to be getting his needs met without having to think much about what you need. When you have talked about this how has he reacted? Can you please share more?
Kanya
Hi Tomoko, I am so sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine how painful and confusing this is. I makes sense that you are having a difficult time letting go. I think there are several reasons for this. He won’t talk to you about what happened so you are still in the dark and possibly hoping for a different outcome. You have an intense attraction and connection which can make it difficult to move on.
The thing is, it doesn’t sound as though he is doing anything to make this a workable situation. On the contrary, he is ignoring you and avoiding working anything out. This is so damaging over time. You love him, you are willing to work things out, and he won’t give you the time of day. Ouch. No matter what happened, you deserve more than this. Honestly, I don’t think he is capable of giving more. If he had come back, apologized, and said he wanted to work things through I would be wary but supportive of trying. He hasn’t done any of that. He texted, then disappeared. Please do’t read into him liking your posts on instagram. If you were both teenagers then yes, liking your instagram could mean something but you are adults. Adults need to be capable of a much deeper level of communication that he appears to be able to do.
I know it is really difficult because of the connection you felt with him. I’ve been there myself and it can be almost impossible to imagine moving on. When you were together, and he was talking about moving, what was the plan? Were you going to do long distance, cut things off? Figure things out at the time? Can you please share more. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Gloria, I am glad that you are here. Let me see if I understand you. You have been married for 2 years. You recently got into an argument via text and now you are estranged. Is that correct?
Have you seen each other and spoken in person since the argument? If he were to are his perspective about what happened, what would it be? I would like to hear more from you about this but in the mean time I suggest you read The Relationship Rewrite program. I it James shares a process and breaks it down step by step to help you get things back on track. I suggest you read it through once and then begin to implement the steps. I think it would really go a long way to repairing the relationship. Please write back with more information and your thoughts.
Kanya
Hi Lola, I really feel for you and your kids. I hope that he is atlas spending time with them so they don’t feel replaced as well. I understand that you want to keep your family from taking sides. Unfortunately that means that you will be holding on to a lot of pain and confusion. Please keep checking in with us so that he can support you. Have you read The Relationship Rewrite? It is really amazing and something that I think would give you some great ideas about how to proceed. My sense is there was something that he was wanting or missing that he thinks he can get with this person. What things did he share bothered him in the months leading up to this change?
I’m wondering how you are igniting his hero instinct? Are there things he used to do at the house or with the kids that he was good at? Perhaps you can ask him for something like that?
Kanya
