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Hi Emily, It is such a difficult thing to go through. My heart really goes out to you! Just wondering how long the two of you were together and it there were any other break ups in the past?
As for now and getting over him-that will take time! While getting over someone can be complicated the first set needs to be to refocus all that love you have fr him on yourself. How? Start to love youth way you want him to love you. Start to be supportive, loving in your own thoughts and encouraging. If he were to call you, what would you like him to say? How would you want to feel? Then, begin to say those things to yourself, learn to make yourself feel that way. I know that can feel strange when you first start. Unfortunately we often aren’t taught to do that. WE all walk around with an inner voice that is usually not so nice to ourselves. Learning to be kind, gentle, and loving is vital. Not just vital in this situation but vital in life.
You are in the process of grieving the loss of him and the relationship. IT is painful. It stinks but you will get through it. As an example, let’s say you go to be thinking of him. Switch your thinking to you. Imagine that young, tender part of yourself and reassure her that you love her and you are taking care of her no matter what. Reassure her that you will be okay, even happy, even if he is no longer in your life. Then, listen to that part of you. Hear what she needs and learn to give it to her. While it will take time, learning to do this is so important.
Start a morning ritual that makes you feel loved and nurtured. When I am going through a really stressful time I love to take baths. I find them very relaxing and nurturing. Some mornings I will even start the day with a bath as it seems like a gentle way to start my day. take a moment and think about what your morning ritual would look like. I’d love to hear about it!
Kanya
Hi Shree, Sounds like the connection is growing. Like that he feels comfortable reaching out to you and checking in. For now I would keep it friendly with a few extras. As Heidi shared, you definitely want him to feel like your hero. SO sharing something about how hearing from him puts a smile on your face, or that his text came at the right time during a stressful day, etc will be important. I also think that you can start to be playful and even flirtatious at times and see how he responds. Take a look at the reports on the Irresistible Insights. James has shared a lot of great ideas on how to get his attention that I think would be interesting to you! Give some things a try and let us know how it goes! Looking forward to hearing your updates!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, Thanks for sharing about the man you first write about. ThAt is so sad. I am glad that you two made your peace a few weeks ago. That is an amazing gift that you gave to yourselves and each other.
It sounds as though you re doing well and seeing things in a balanced way! I know that isn’t always easy but you have really shown great willingness to understand yourself and others on a deep level. You’ve been thirst for learning and I can see the ways in which you apply what you have learned in amazing ways. I am excited for you and excited to see what you are able to create in time. Please keep us posted and remember to keep taking good care of you!
Kanya
Hi Alicia, Just wanted to check in and see how you re doing!
I know this is really difficult. In many ways it seems as though he was providing you a level of emotional intimacy that really felt amazing. It also was enough so that perhaps you didn’t need to focus much on finding someone else. I’ve been in situations where I was getting enough and didn’t push myself to look for what I truly wanted. I remember feeling insecure at that time and afraid of putting myself out there again. I didn’t really trust that I could find someone who would stick around. I wasn’t ready for another loss. I’m wondering if this is akin to what you are feeling?
One thing that helped me in that situation was to learn more about my role in what I was attracting. With the help of therapy I realized I didn’t like myself very much. On the outside I looked confident but on the inside I was a wounded 5 year old who was terrified of people seeing the worse in me. I felt flawed and as a result wasn’t comfortable letting men in. WAHt better way to protect myself then to attract me who would never stay?
I’m not sure whites hurting inside of you but I do know that you can heal that part and be open to a great man who can stick around and create something amazing with you! Can you are more with us so that we can guide you? Perhaps share the basic relationship pattern with us. Mine was falling in love with unavailable men. For others it is falling for men who are never really satisfied with us. For others it is about men who are amazing for a few months then disappear. I get if it is too much but if you re willing to share more we are willing to help!
Kanya
Hi Valerie,
Just wanted to check in to see how things are going and to share a story with you.
Many years ago I lived with some friend for a few weeks when I was in between apartments. They had been married for about 10 years at that time. I remember them having a disagreement about something and the husband pulled away. IT looked like he was shutting down to me and it made me very uncomfortable. My friends response was something like, “Oh, he always needs a few days to process an argument.I know he’ll be back and will take about it when he is ready.” That seemed amazing t me that she knew that and could tolerate the space. In hindsight she was being very mature and had taken the time to learn who her husband was, develop awareness of him and of herself. This mean that when things were stressed between them she didn’t worry. She know what would happen and also trusted herself to tolerate the space. I learned a lot from hat conversation that I use in my work with clients as well as in my relationship!
Kanya
Hi Alexa, Welcome to the forum! I’m sorry that things aren’t going as you had hoped. You bring forward a lot of interesting points that I would like to respond to.
If he is avoidant then he will need a lot of alone time/space. That is the way he is. As you learn to manage your own anxiety about things then he will feel less pressure and will come back sooner. The thing is, is a long distance relationship really something that supports you?You seem like someone who needs more consistent connection and my sense is, even in good times, he may not be the person who can give that to you. An anxious/avoidant couple combination is full of ups and downs which can be exhausting. If you are honest with yourself do you thing you can move to a move secure attachment style where his avoidance won’t bother you as much? I know it is a difficult question but it is important because you deserve to be making conscious decisions about his and about your relationships!
Next, while stress is a part of life the stress that comes from dealign with a fire and being evacuated is a natural disaster type of stress that is different from day to day stress. Being stuck in traffic or dealing with pressure at work doesn’t compare to the stress that comes with a fire of this magnitude. It will affect peoples nervous systems 100 times more intensely. It will take a long time for life to feel normal again and for people to actually feel safe. Living in the bay area you know how quickly fires move in California and how it take literally minutes for them to take over your home. It may take some time for him to feel safe. While he isn’t talking about feeling unsafe, him being irritated or annoyed may be the way he is processing this experience.
Next, many men do not want to talk when they are feeling stressed. Remember what Heidi shared above about assigning your feelings and expectations to him? I think this is a way that might be happening. Given who you are you will want to connect when you are stressed. They’ve done studies and women actually have a third response to stress. For years we just thought fight or flight were the reactions to stress. Now we know that women can’t to connect during times or stress. They want to talk and be heard. This will actually lower the cortisol and other stress hormones in a women body. Men on the other hand don’t have the same response to talking when they are stressed. Usually talking in these situations raised their cortisol levels. it is important to give them time to process before they are ready to talk.
I’m also wondering if you are focusing on what he is actually giving you. HE initiated 3 texts of Thanksgiving. That means he is thinking about you and missing you. I get that you would like the sweet emojis but I encourage you to focus on what he is giving you for now. Sending him a sultry self may not have fit the energy he was feeling while visiting his mom. That is okay but I wonder if there is an opportunity for you to connect more with him and learn to read ham better? That doesn’t mean that you won’t be you or have the opportunity to get your needs met. But it could mean that he feels more understood by you which he doesn’t always feel. IT could also bring you more peace and push some of the anxiety away as you two connect in a more real way. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Alice, I too am sorry that you are hurting. That is not something that I would wish on anyone.
However, I will be blunt in what I am about to say; you have not been in a relationship with this person. You were friends and were emotionally connected but not in a relationship. He is married. e is living with someone else and interacting with her, sleeping with her, perhaps raising a family with her. As hurtful as it is, it seems like he was getting his needs me but actually giving little in return. So my question is; why was this enough for you? Why did you settle for so little when you deserve so much? What are you doing to take care of yourself and nurture yourself right now?
Please share more so that we can support you!
Kanya
Hi Peggy, I really see a shift in you. You are so strong and clear these days. That is awesome! Sometimes we need to take a step back to really see what is and isn’t working. Yes, you are worth more and are capable of having a deep and loving relationship. I’m looking forward to hearing how things progress now that you have this level of commitment to yourself!
Kanya
Hi Bethan, I am so sorry. I imagine you may be feeling shell shocked. It might even take some time for this to sink in.
It sounds like this was a surprise for you which can make things even more confusing about painful. Was he sharing things in the past few months that gave you the sign that his feelings weren’t developing to something deeper? Do you ever feel the same way about him and the relationship?
Kanya
Hi Janet, I am glad you are reaching out for ideas. This is often something people say to be flirtatious on a first date. There are many different ways to respond. You’re right in that I do think that saying “I’ve been waiting for you” sounds a bit forced and forward. Here are some ideas that came to mind:
It takes time to find the right person.
I’m not sure that is how things work.
Guess our timing is good or else we wound’t be here.
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.It doesn’t even have to be a serious response. You can take it as a compliment and say thanks or just smile and redirect the conversation. Is there a part of you that is uncomfortable with compliments?
Kanya
Hi, It sounds as though you are having some great awarenesses about your part and present interactions with him. Often this happens when we are willing to take a step back. Accepting who he is will be important. Know what to expect and be realistic. Focus on being friends as that seems to be were the two of you really work.
In the mean time, are you dating other people and allowing yourself toped up too new possibilities?
Kanya
Hi Reed, You seem to have a great understanding of things. I can understand why this is so confusing. Anyone who is a master manipulator will confuse you at every turn. They use their manipulation to get what they want, convince others that their behavior is acceptable, and somehow leave people wanting more. Even though the relationship seems crazy we are often willing to endure the crazy in hopes that we can get more of the connection.
It’s important that you realize this man is very complicated. The complications come from the parts inside of his that are cracked and dented. Parts that he has no interest in healing. He is never going to be able to give you what you want. He is never going to give you what you deserve. One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou; when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I understand your desire to have a normal friendship with him. Of course that is what you want. Unfortunately, he is not going to give that to you. He needs to manipulate you so that he gets what he wants and doesn’t care about giving you what you want. That is never going to feel normal and should not feel normal. Don’t let hi or anyone convince you otherwise!
Perhaps it is time to focus your energy on developing friendships with people who can truly be there for you, who can have a reciprocal relationship. I suggest you take one month off from this person. DOn’t text or communicate during that time. Give yourself space to be away from this so that you can get some perspective. Then, at the end of the 30 days be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and if you want this level of chaos back into your life. What do you think about that?
Kanya
Hi Reed, You seem to have a great understanding of things. I can understand why this is so confusing. Anyone who is a master manipulator will confuse you at every turn. They use their manipulation to get what they want, convince others that their behavior is acceptable, and somehow leave people wanting more. Even though the relationship seems crazy we are often willing to endure the crazy in hopes that we can get more of the connection.
It’s important that you realize this man is very complicated. The complications come from the parts inside of his that are cracked and dented. Parts that he has no interest in healing. He is never going to be able to give you what you want. He is never going to give you what you deserve. One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou; when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I understand your desire to have a normal friendship with him. Of course that is what you want. Unfortunately, he is not going to give that to you. He needs to manipulate you so that he gets what he wants and doesn’t care about giving you what you want. That is never going to feel normal and should not feel normal. Don’t let hi or anyone convince you otherwise!
Perhaps it is time to focus your energy on developing friendships with people who can truly be there for you, who can have a reciprocal relationship. I suggest you take one month off from this person. DOn’t text or communicate during that time. Give yourself space to be away from this so that you can get some perspective. Then, at the end of the 30 days be honest with yourself about how you are feeling and if you want this level of chaos back into your life. What do you think about that?
Kanya
Hi Monique, You are right, healing is hard. It is also amazing when we have a break through or change a pattern. I really acknowledge you for your awareness and your commitment to yourself. I am familiar with the guys who have the amazing connection in a cocoon but don’t allow it in the rest of their lives. We can be attracted to these guys for many, many reasons. Like Heidi shared, it can be a part of our younger self that is trying to overcome a feeling or fear that we aren’t enough and won’t be chosen. It can also relate to our own fears about intimacy and letting someone in on a deeper level. If someone is only partially in our lives then maybe our hearts will only be partially broken if things don’t work out. This would be a great subject to discuss with your therapist. Unearthing these tender parts of ourselves in not always easy but it is so worth it!
How did this relationship come about and evolve to what it is today?
Kanya
