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Hi Elvira That is so confusing. I am so sorry that he chose to handle the situation in that way. I can understand if you are still reeling and not even sure about telling anyone yet. I mean, you aren’t even sure what happened.
I wonder if he would be open to talking a bit more. My sense is, when you got upset with him and talked to him in the way you did it reminded him of his ex. Rather than work through things he walked. Have the two of you ever disagreed in this way in the past? If so, how have you resolved the disagreement? Even if the information was important to share it seems like there was a more respectful way to share it. Did you apologize for talking to him in the way? If not, then I would recommend that you do so. The fact that he is talking to you about the party tells me that the door is not closed at this point. Seven years is a long time to be together. I’d hate to have this go away if it is resolvable.
Kanya
Hi Emily, Wow, did you feel confused when he said there WAS a chance for you two? That confuses me since he is already dating someone who is his girlfriend. Did he explain more about what you don’t understand?
Kanya
Hi Emily, Wow, did you feel confused when he said there WAS a chance for you two? That confuses me since he is already dating someone who is his girlfriend. Did he explain more about what you don’t understand?
Kanya
Hi Fabia, I am so glad that you are on the forum! How wonderful that you have found someone that you feel connected to and have been able to open your heart to. The thing that I see is that the two of you were dating for only 2 months and now you will be away for 5 months. I think that it is important to pace yourself. Thing a step back and letting things evolve is important. I wouldn’t try to recapture the early days when everything was new and amazing. It is difficult to do this long distance. Instead focus on continuing to grow your friendship and connection a little at a time.
It is going to be important for you to take a step back and refocus most of your energy on your life there. Currently you are waiting for him to connect and in a short amount of time you will start to feel the distance and will most likely feel frustrated with him. That could lead to you pushing even more. Instead, take a step back. Enjoy your time there. Connect with friends and even make new friends, develop new interests. You will need more interests indoor life for the next 5 months. Does that make sense?
Finally, what was the agreement the two of you have made about this time apart?
Kanya
Hi Fabia, I am so glad that you are on the forum! How wonderful that you have found someone that you feel connected to and have been able to open your heart to. The thing that I see is that the two of you were dating for only 2 months and now you will be away for 5 months. I think that it is important to pace yourself. Thing a step back and letting things evolve is important. I wouldn’t try to recapture the early days when everything was new and amazing. It is difficult to do this long distance. Instead focus on continuing to grow your friendship and connection a little at a time.
It is going to be important for you to take a step back and refocus most of your energy on your life there. Currently you are waiting for him to connect and in a short amount of time you will start to feel the distance and will most likely feel frustrated with him. That could lead to you pushing even more. Instead, take a step back. Enjoy your time there. Connect with friends and even make new friends, develop new interests. You will need more interests indoor life for the next 5 months. Does that make sense?
Finally, what was the agreement the two of you have made about this time apart?
Kanya
Hi Valerie, I am glad he is back in touch and that he wants to work things through. When things are calm and the 2 of you are feeling connected, have you talked to him about this pattern? Without trying to change him, perhaps you can share how difficult this is for you and ask him if the two of you can find another way to deal with this. While respecting his needs, you can ask that he reassure you when he needs time. Heidi talked about this above and I think it is the next step for the two of you. When he is away it isn’t to be mean so please don’t take it personally. He is most likely feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed with his emotions at that time. Hopefully he will earn to work through those real feelings and needs in a more timely way but this could take time. Can you think through what you’d like to say to him?
Kanya
Hi Alexa, Yes, engage with him about normal stuff. You can ignite his hero instinct by asking for his opinion about getting the care fixed. Even if he isn’t asking about your life, feel free to be open and share. Let him in to your life even if it feels like he isn’t letting you into his. WE still don’t know if this is about the stress he is experiencing or some hesitation on his part to continue.
In terms of understanding him better, ask questions and consider what his behavior is telling you about him versus what his behavior is telling you about his feelings for you. As Heidi shared, don’t take his with drawl personally. I am glad to hear that you are working on attachment stuff! That is exciting. There is a great book that I think you would find helpful called “Attached; The Science of Adult Attachment.” It explains the different attachment style as well as ways to move towards a secure attachment style. I also think that working with a therapist would be helpful in moving you along this path. Have you considered that?
Overall I think you need to relax and work with any attachment to this working out in a particular way.What are you doing to keep yourself busy and feel good about yourself in other areas of your life?
Kanya
Hi Priscilla, Thanks for sharing more information. It helps to have a better idea of what is going on.
I am glad that you are starting to see your worth and value. You absolutely deserve to be treating with love, consideration, and kindness. You have a family with this person and yet he acts as though you dating casually and that he doesn’t have any responsibility in your life. You are the mother of his child and yet he treats you with a lot of disregard. I an sorry that you aren’t having the experience you want. In the future, it will be important to take your time building a connection and really determine who that person is. Who he says he is isn’t enough. Seeing him, experiencing him, watching how he treats you and your children over time is what matters.
He has demonstrated an inability to stay in a relationship and work through things. I would not expect this to change. I can understand why you are hurt that he didn’t come to your sons graduation and hasn’t asked about him. You must not feel very supportive at this time. IF you asked him about that what do you think his response would be? HAs this been an ongoing issue with your older son? I imagine that puts you in a really difficult situation.
I can totally understand why doing the 25 day retreat would be difficult given that you have a child together. Still, I would avoid other conversations that aren’t necessary to caring for your child. I think the time away from him will help you get to a place of being able to move on! You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and who will be there for you no matter what!
Kanya
Hi Petra, This is are complicated than perhaps to seems. I wonder if on some level he is pushing you away by saying that it is better for YOU to go on without him. He has given you mixed messages for some time nd I can imagine how confusing that can be. I kind of hear that confusion is what yo are sharing.
So, I hear that you still love him and want to be with him. Does that mean that you are willing to travel indecently with him and live life on his terms? The reason I ask is because I am concerned about his ability to respond to any needs that are outside of his comfort zone. Since the two of you are in contact can you initiate a conversation-an actual voice to voice conversation versus texting! Share with him what you are sharing here and see if he has anything new to add to the scenario. I totally get that you are in love with him but honestly that isn’t always enough to make something work. It is important that you ask yourself some realistic questions; do you want the vagabond life that he embraces, if you don’t have children how will you get those meeds met? Being in a relationship is rarely enough to fill that gap and relationships naturally change over time. This sense of bliss will evolve into something different. When you think of having a family what do you imagine it will feel like? What is the satisfaction about? What other ways do you think you could fill up those spaces and get your needs met?
I know these are not fun questions to ask yourself but they are really important questions to consider. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
Kanya
Hi Alicia, Thank you so much for sharing more. Appreciate that it can be difficult txobreak it down but you did a great job!
I get that you don’t want a traditional marriage and connection. The thing is, being in relationships with men who are married or otherwise taken limits what you can create and experience. Humans are pack animals and we need that connection and companionship.
When you think of having a family, how do you imagine one of these men showing u as a father to your child? I support what ever it is that you want to create and wonder if there is a more effective way to get there?
Kanya
Hi Peggy! Wow, it sounds as though you are doing great! I love to hear all the ways that you are supporting yourself. It’s great that you are grounded about the new guy. It will take time to get to know each other and see if this truly is a fit. I always believe in a slow and steady pace. Excitement can make I want to run ahead but I always believe in a slow and steady pace. I look forward to hearing updates!!!
Kanya
Hi Emily, I agree- the length of time you date someone does not define how much you feel for them. That can be so confounding. I can hear in your words how important he was to you and how much you invested in the relationship. There isn’t much that is as painful as losing someone that you truly care for.
It sounds as though you had some suspicions that he was not the person you thought he was for the past few months of the relationship. It is difficult to say what was happening for him. I do think that you need to trust what your intuition was and is telling you about the ways in which he was not being honest or forthcoming. It sounds like he really isn’t able to manage the difficult aspects of any relationship. It must have triggered a lot of feelings for you when he would block you during a disagreement. He didn’t really seem able to resolve conflict. That makes it difficult to ever create a foundation for a strong relationship. Did you ever feel like you were going in circle with him? That sometimes happens with couples that don’t develop the skills to resolve things. Whether you are trying to resolve a disagreement or make decisions about nest steps, being able to communicate and figure things out is vital.
I can understand you wanting him to apologize. While he may not ever give that to you directly, you can imagine conversations with him where he does apologize toy. I know that may seem strange but the reality is it can be ver comforting to imagine the conversations that people can’t actually give us in life. You may need to do it a few times in order to feel closure but I sincerely believe it will help. Is that something you would be willing too try? I know it is different so please ask any questions that you may have!
Kanya
Hi Emily, I agree- the length of time you date someone does not define how much you feel for them. That can be so confounding. I can hear in your words how important he was to you and how much you invested in the relationship. There isn’t much that is as painful as losing someone that you truly care for.
It sounds as though you had some suspicions that he was not the person you thought he was for the past few months of the relationship. It is difficult to say what was happening for him. I do think that you need to trust what your intuition was and is telling you about the ways in which he was not being honest or forthcoming. It sounds like he really isn’t able to manage the difficult aspects of any relationship. It must have triggered a lot of feelings for you when he would block you during a disagreement. He didn’t really seem able to resolve conflict. That makes it difficult to ever create a foundation for a strong relationship. Did you ever feel like you were going in circle with him? That sometimes happens with couples that don’t develop the skills to resolve things. Whether you are trying to resolve a disagreement or make decisions about nest steps, being able to communicate and figure things out is vital.
I can understand you wanting him to apologize. While he may not ever give that to you directly, you can imagine conversations with him where he does apologize toy. I know that may seem strange but the reality is it can be ver comforting to imagine the conversations that people can’t actually give us in life. You may need to do it a few times in order to feel closure but I sincerely believe it will help. Is that something you would be willing too try? I know it is different so please ask any questions that you may have!
Kanya
Hi Lori, Thanks for sharing more. it does help to know a bit more. 8 years on a dating site and no commitment. I wonder if this is the level of connection that he is comfortable with. He is spending time with you, and your family, but keeping the romantic door closed for now. It is difficult to say why he is doing this. While there are many potential reasons I do wonder if the end of his marriage took something out of him. Perhaps he has decided that a close friendship is all that he really needs at this stage in his life. I wonder if, as the friendship continues to deepen, he will one up more about his experiences. In time the pieces of who he is and what has affected him may start to become more clear.
It sounds as though you care enough about him to stay connected and see where things go. If you can do this with patience and really be open to just seeing what is possible could be an amazing adventure for you. Do you think that you could just be friends with someone you have deeper feelings for?
Kanya
Hi Lori, I think that is a question we all dealt with at one time or another. Can you share more context about the friendship; how long you’ve known each other, how you met, when do you get to interact etc. so that we understand things more? I think more context would help us know how to help you! Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
