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Oh my gosh Peggy, you are sooo amazing! It sounds as though you are doing a wonderful job supporting yourself. I love that you took a mental health day AND going to a sisterhood meeting! That sounds like a very healing day. I really like your intention of finding someone who will also value learning and growth. In my experience, once we wake up and have the experience of being conscious in our lives and in our selves, it is impossible to go back to sleep. You are clearly awake, grounded, and on the precipice of something amazing. I hope that you are feeling proud of yourself and loving yourself. You deserve it.
While you will face difficulties on your journey (we all do) I am sure the you will be prepared to face them with strength and grace. You are doing amazing work here. Please keep checking in for love and support. We are here for you!
Kanya
Hi Rosalie, It is important for yo auto slow down. I can tell that you are spending excessive amounts of time thinking about this and waiting to hear back from him. As James shared, this will take time. It could take weeks. It could take months. If you continue to measure things in minutes you will soon start to feel like you re going crazy.
I actually would not respond with a ‘your welcome.’ I would just let it lie for now. GO about your business, keep busy, have fun, and focus on everything other than him!When he asked for a pic what type of pic was he asking for? If it is sexual in nature, ignore him. He isn’t investing enough in this for you to give him anything like that. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Michelle, It looks like you posted this question i two different part of the forum. I did just respond to the first posting.
Kanya
Hi Michele, Welcome to the forum. We are glad that you are here! It seems as though you guy is not interested in a long distance relationship. Given that, he seems to want things to complete once you move so he is not willing to invest in something that is going to end. Does that make sense and has he expressed this to you?
I know that you want things to go bak to the way they were when he was in the pursuit phase but I don’t think that will happen at this point. Your connection is so new and it makes sense that he would want to limit the possibility of getting hurt. It is important to not take this personally. I think he is into you but not into the idea of trying to build a relationship at a distance. Even the most committed couples with a strong foundation and history have a difficult time staying connected and growing long distance. I’m wondering, given that the two of you have only been dating for a short time, why you would like to get more connected and continue long distance?
Have you talked about how long you will be gone and the possibility of picking back u again when you return?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, Wow, you are handling things wonderfully. I hear that you are being honest and open, setting clear boundaries while still keeping your hear open. SO far it seems like he is able to meet you at that same level which is amazing. Being with someone this open is really a reflection of all the work and healing you have done. Well done! I am really proud of you and hope that you are proud of you as well.
So, what are you doing to figure yourself out and determine what you want for your life?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, It sounds like there are a few possibilities for you. do think that it is wise to stop investing emotionally in Matt as he does not seem to be ready to invest emotionally in you or a relationship. Wise move on your part. WHAt he is asking for is often easier for a man to manage but difficult for a woman to manage. We tend to keep our heart open and more naturally bond with people. Keeping things light and watching someone we like interact with and flirt with other woman is understandably difficult and can be hurtful.
In terms of the party, it seems like you are open to going and leaving is things become uncomfortable. That makes a lot of sense. And, if you find out your ex will be there more than you though or will be there with his girlfriend it is also fine to stay home or d something else. You have done a great job taking care of yourself lately and setting clear boundaries. I encourage you to stick with it!
Just out of curiosity, since Robbie is away for a few months are you open to meeting someone new?
Kanya
Priscilla, WOW. I am so proud of you. It seems as though you are really starting to understand what you want and deserve! IT makes sense that he will start to manipulate when he is not getting what he wants. My sense is his tolerance level for not getting what he wants is low. It is great that you recognize his tendencies and are starting to stand up to them. HE will use guilt, intimidation, and find ways to make you doubt yourself. The thing is, there is nothing to doubt. You have a good sense of what you are and are not willing to do, what does and does not make sense, what works and what does not. The more you trust yourself the less effective his manipulation tactics will become.
I’m so excited for you! You really are embarking on a new phase in your life. Please let us know how we can support you. WE are here for you!!!
Kanya
Hi Valerie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I encourage you to take care of yourself and as you said, focus on your family. As difficult as it might be, this will be a good thing to go through with him. IT is important to see if he is able to be there for you emotionally when you need him. He may be able to and he may not. As difficult as that could be, it is important to see who he is and what he is capable of giving you, especially when you really need it. You deserve to be supported as you go through this. Please lean of family and friends and of course we are here as well. Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Maria, This is a great question. Can you share more about the context? Has your guy stopped making eye contact or is this a theoretical question?
Kanya
Hi Maria, I am so glad that you are on the forum – welcome!
Wow, the two of you have been through a lot together. I can understand how confusing everything is and feels. I’m wondering, have the two of you gone to see a therapist together? The reason I ask is because it is really important to get that type of support after this type of thing has occurred. My sense is he does love you and wants to be with you but obviously the two of you have some things to figure out. That isn’t uncommon for couples. Actually, I wish more couples would see therapist and work through some things prior to getting married. It can help them a lot in the long run.
It is clear that you need to feel reconnect on a deeper level and my sense is he does as well ut the two of you are struggling to figure out how to do that. Right now he may be keeping things on a surface level because he too has a lot of feelings about what happened but isn’t sure how to process or express them. How long ago did yo find out about the sexting?
Kanya
Hi Yvette, am sorry that the tow of you had an argument. Now os not the time to panic! Yes, send him the text and see how he responds. It may be enough and he may need more. We can’t know until you try. You may want to add something like “I’m sorry I disrespected you. I let me anger get away from me which was not okay.” Then give him some space to process.
In the future it will be important to temper you anger and find more effective ways to channel your emotions. DO you have some ideas about how to do that?
Kanya
Hi Emily, The fact is, the ending of a relationship is complicated. Things will feel incomplete at times. WE will have doubts. We will get jealous. That is just the reality. While you don’t have any control over his reaction and emotions you do have control over your choices. After this exchange perhaps it is time to rethink how you interact with him and what you share when you do interact. I can imagine how difficult that is given that he is still the person you want to go to. The challenge is, things are not the same and he is not able to support you in the same way. I know this can be hard to accept and can feel as though you are losing him all over again.
It is good that he shared that he had needed more space during the relationship. The reality is, we all need more space from time to time. This weekend my 12 year old daughter seemed to be intent on starting an argument. When we talked it through, she was able to share that she needed some alone time and she thought that by starting an argument she would get it. Because of the type of home we live in I can encourage her to ask for that need but most people don’t learn to ask for it and some people don’t even recognize it. While humans like to be together they also need independence and time to think. I’m glad that you are seeing that being together all the time isn’t a good thing. Long term it can be really detrimental.So, have you considered what was going on for you that you needed to be with someone so much of the time?
Kanya
Hi Lola, I agree- it sounds as though he is depressed. If we take the other woman out of the equation it sounds as though his expectations of his kids, marriage, and life are not being met. That can be very depressing. While you can’t make anyone else go to therapy I am oping that over time he realizes that what he is going through is heavy and something that he needs assistance with. It would also be great for him to have a third party explain adolescence so that over time he learns to takes his kids behavior less personally.My sense is he really was super man for man years and how that isn’t working anymore.
What are you doing for yourself these days in terms of loving and supporting you? I am glad that you are looking for a therapist. AS Heidi shared, you are at risk now due to the high level of stress in your life. Since he doesn’t want to do anything for others at this time everything is falling on your shoulders. That is too much for anyone t managed carry. Once again, what are you doing for you these days?
Kanya
That is so great, Peggy. I am so happy for you and so proud that you are moving slowly. This is sooooo important. It is amazing that the two of you are so open and able/willing to talk about serious and important things. WE are wishing you lots of luck and grace. Keep up the good work and keep us posted!
Kanya
Hello Antoinette, I am so glad that you are on the forum-welcome!
So, let me do some perception checking. You met this man on line in June 2018. The two f you talked on the phone and had a second conversation via text. At that point you decided to wait until he had been reinstated to continue communicating. When you asked him to verify his intention he went silent. Is that correct?
First, I want to acknowledge you for setting such a clear boundary. Some part of you knew it was a good idea to wait and I am so glad that you set that boundary. The thing is, I don’t think it was needy to ask for clarity about his intentions to reinstate. I think this was a person that you had a spark with and you wanted to make sure you were understanding things appropriately. So I don’t think what you did was inappropriate or needy. I actually think it was an empowering move and I am proud of you for that!
The thing is, the two of you only had two conversations. It is impossible to know who a person is after that short amount of time. Add to that the reality that he could have painted himself in any way at that point regardless of whether it was accurate or not. That is just the reality of meeting someone but not having yet spent the time getting to know them.
In terms of your 3 questions; I don’t believe that you were being needy by asking the question. Of course you wanted some confirmation that he was serious about what he was saying and you asked it in an appropriate manner. I can’t say why he didn’t respond. I do wonder if maybe he wasn’t serious or maybe it was a sore subject or maybe he just felt complete with the conversation. Regardless, his disconnect started in June. Finally, I don’t know if he will reconvene. It was 6 months ago and my guess is that he probably continued to meet other woman and date. A lot could have happened between then and now. As much as you liked him the reality is that you didn’t know each other. You’ve had 6 months to imagine who he is and what could be. Our imaginations can be dangerous at times. It leads us to believing what we imagine when the reality is its going to take a lot more time and a lot more vulnerability and time together to really know each other and know if the two of you could be good together.
Have you considered reaching out to him and seeing if he responds?
Kanya
