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Hi Alla, Oh I am so sorry that this happened. I can only imagine how painful this is for you and your son. It makes sense that everyone is confused as this seems like a strong response to feeling scared. Perhaps it gives you a sense of how scared he really is to move back into a serious relationship. I’m wondering, how long did the two of you talk about moving in together before you both started to plan? Did he initiate or did you? I’m wondering if there was a disagreement of some kind that triggered such a strong response from him? I am in no way saying this is your fault or something you are responsible for. I’m just trying to put together some pieces to the puzzle. Can you think of anything that may have triggered him?
Kanya
Hi Shinthuga, Yes, I can understand why the ‘mate comment was frustrating. Ughhh! For now I would refrain from reading anything into it. Ou two are in the weird phase of switching into friend mode and that can be awkward at best. For now just treat him as your friend, share compliments when you do connect, and let him lead the communication as often as possible!
Just to clarify, you aren’t going to leave the message on WhatsApp regarding your learning about the situation etc? That is for sure an in person conversation, not a text conversation. I would wait until you meet to talk about your new insights. Is that the ‘help’ you wanted to ask of him? If so, just respond that you want to meet up in the next week or so and leave it at that for now. Make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rosalie, I do understand your frustration, really I do. The things is we can’t know how long it may take to turn things around. I will say that it has not been long enough at this point. You shared James email 10 days ago. YEs, more time is needed! I’ve copied James response below so that you can remember the sage advice he misgiving you:::
“You’re doing great so far. This is where some patience is going to be required for your long-term success. Step one may be a longer process than you were initially thinking, and sometimes it’s harder to do nothing than it is to sweat it out while taking action.
Now that you’ve got him listening to you and responding to you (with positive emotional tone) you’ll want to continue that slow relationship building process for a while. It could be three or four weeks. And somewhere during those interactions, you’ll notice your first opportunity to compliment him on something. Very often, it’s helpful to compliment him on saying something that made you feel good.
I understand your concern about being perceived as a crazy woman who is acting weird by complimenting a guy you have only been on a few dates with. But that reflects a misunderstanding of the concept. Because if you do it right, it flies beneath the radar of his conscious awareness. Your compliments should be very subtle. And you can use them (at first) just to encourage communication.
What you’re trying to accomplish at the step you’re on now is simply this. Build a and association in his mind between positive mood states and communicating with you.
You’ll want to keep that up for a while. Once you reach step two, you’ll flow gradually and naturally into the process of generating microdoses of positive emotion for him when you use compliments to influence the way he interacts with you.
Remember to compliment him in ways that do not put the focus on him directly. For example, “Our conversations always put me in a good mood,” instead of, “You are such a good conversationalist!” The first one does not feel “crazy-girl.” It’s like a gentle breeze that is there one moment and gone the next, leaving only a pleasant sensation in its wake as your conversation moves on to other things.
It’s awesome to hear how you’re digging into the course and really working to apply it. Keep going, but at a slower pace that allows time for this method to work its magic.”
SLOWER PACE! Plan to take a small break then just reach out infrequently. You want to change the dynamic. Right now you are spending a lot of time wondering about this, wonder what he will do next. He can sense that so there is no real sense of urgency on his part. He knows you will be there when ever. So, stop being there when ever. Take time to respond to his texts. Let him start to wonder where you are and what you are doing. Maybe even refrain from responding to texts at times so he no longer thinks you are as available. In the mean time, what are you doing to fill up your time? It is important to be busy and interested in other areas of your life right now. He will find your absence far more interesting that your presence at this stage. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Priscilla, I am so glad that you area on the forum! Lets see if we can get some more information. Obviously you’ve been married a long time and things can change. Couples become emotionally distant and sometimes stop believing that it is even possible to be close again. First, was he more affectionate when he was younger? If so, I think there awesome ways to motivate him. First, think about his complaints about the marriage over the years. What has bothered him? What do you think caused him to be a bit distant with time? Next, think about what he has shared and identify some ways to make some changes from your end that would make him feel more loved and respected. I know that probably seems like a big task and in some ways it is. But, we can break it into smaller tasks that can change things incrementally over time.
So, what comes to mind, are there ways to be more respectful and connected on your end?
Kanya
As Heidi shared, I think it is important that you create a little distance and show less interest in his life at this time. It appears that you are leaning on him for reassurance and connection a bit more than he is comfortable with. He needs to see that you respect the boundaries he is try to set. He also needs to see that you are taking care of yourself and managing your emotions more appropriately.
What if you stopped looking to him for reassurance and begin to look to yourself and your family? Then, when he initiates contact just be uplifting and fun. If he doesn’t have much to say, let it go. Focus on enjoying the contact you do have without needing to make it more than it is. He seems to really want to be in the friend zone and it sounds as though you are pushing for more. I encourage you to consider i this is going to bring the two of you closer together in the long run. While it is difficult to do, I think there is more hope long term of you can give him space and respect his boundaries. Being respectful of him is essential at this time. Who can you talk to, other than him, when you are feeling down and alone?
Kanya
Hi Angela, I did respond to your last thread as well. Do you think that there’s a lot of value in the 30 day not talking guideline. It sounds like for you he’s letting you know he didn’t like it but at the same time I wonder if that is affecting him an additional ways. Have you talked about this? Did you let them know that you just needed some time to think? Has he ever stepped away from you for that period of time?
It sounds like things are going well as friends and you pushed for more before he was ready. Is that accurate? So I guess my current question is are you actually able to be friends with him Even if it doesn’t turn into something more? Have you thought about utilizing the relationship we right for this specific thing? You could say something simply like “I apologize for stepping away for so long. I really just needed some time to think but I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings that wasn’t my intention. I really do value our friendship and I hope we can get back on track.”
What would it mean to just be his friend? To the two of you date each other or others when you’re just in the friend zone?
Kanya
Hi Angela, I decided to pull of the relationship rewrite and I’m seeing a lot of steps as well as examples that James presents.
In step one, How to get him to turn around, Jim shares a lot of examples about how to help him feel as though he still matters to you in a non-needy way. There are several places in the book where Jameses if you don’t understand what was just said please go back and re-read it. It’s important to understand it before he went on to the next step.
When you think of your ex, what are the things that you really admire about him? This could be big things or small things but these are the things to complement him on. It’s James shares on page 24 and Meghan become attracted to you because he’s attracted to the version of himself that he sees in your eyes. Can you share with me what some of those things are that you would Meyer? Perhaps we can figure out how to complement him on these things.
Kanya
Hi Seng, I am so glad that you are here. Welcome! I think you are dealing with something that a lot of people face in this age of electronic communication. WE have to be really careful about this as there are many people who are simply trying to take advantage of us in some way. These people are good at making us feel special, making us feel important. Then, over time they can get small pieces of information that seem unimportant but ultimately add up to too much.
I think there are many red flags with this person. He has no connection with you, no shared friends of colleagues. He treats you like you are his GF yet you can see that every day his female contact grow in number. He told you that his heat was with you and hen he blocked you. All of this in only a week. It isn’t possible to know if your heart is really with someone in just a week of online chatting. My sense is he is communicating with many woman in this way. He most likely is trying to scam them and you;d have tried to scam you. By scam I mean take advantage of in some way. Once people gain your persona info they can access your bank and credit accounts, your home, sell your information, etc. I’ve attached a link to a report by the FBI on these types of scams and what to look for and be aware of;
https://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/2017-internet-crime-report-released-050718Even though you were hopeful that this could turn into something, I consider it a blessing that he has moved on and I encourage you to do the same! My guess is this is not what you were hoping to hear so please feel free to share more and ask questions! I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!
Kanya
Hi Kylie, i’m so glad that you were here. Welcome to the forum! Wow, this is really a complex situation. On the one hand the two if you have a really great connection. The conversation is easy, you love hanging out with each other, you laugh. In many ways it sounds like you guys are best friends everything flows so easily. I can understand by falling in love with him.
It also sounds as though the relationship has had a positive effect on him. His friends and family if she heard that they have a nudist positive differences and his behavior, emotional expression, and my guess is he seemed pretty happy these days as well.
The thing is, having sex only one time in two years is more than a red flag. It’s an ocean of red flags. From my experience, even when someone wants to change this kind of habit/pattern it takes a lot of hard work and commitment. At this stage it sounds as though he’s not even willing to talk about it let alone do the work to make the changes.
I understand that you want to know him, understand him, and help him on all levels. That’s really a normal way to feel for someone you love. I imagine that it must feel frustrating at times to hit up against those balls that he’s put around himself. My guess is it’s frustrating for him too.
Have you taken a look at this resistible insight page of the site? There’s a lot of really interesting articles that James has written about a variety of challenges. Might I suggest you take a look at what’s there and see which ones seem to fit your scenario. That I mean being with a man who doesn’t let his guard down and ways to change that. Think is your feelings for him are worthy of trying to see if you can get past this.
When is he sent to be deployed? Are you wanting to make any kind of decision before that?
Kanya
Hi Antoinette, Thanks for clarifying more! I find myself wondering if you are dating and meeting new men at this time. The reason I ask is because a lot can happen in several months. While he did share that he wanted to reconvene, things may have changed by that time. Rather than hanging your life on him what if instead you placed your energy on filling out your life, getting more clear about what you want, and giving yourself a chance to see what else is available to you? I get that it is difficult to imagine that there is someone out there that you could feel as connected with as him. However, remember that before you met him that connection felt unrealistic as well. What do you think?
Kanya
Hi Vivian, Wow, you have been through a lot. Im wondering when the marriage first ended, when he initially left for this other person?
I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better. I’m sure it took a lot of hard work and dedication to feel strong again after something like this occurred. It sounds as though the two of you are really thinking about getting back together. Remember that she really is manipulative and he may, once again, have difficulty leaving her or doing even taking time to determine what he wants! All that is to say I encourage you to go slowly and take this a step as a time!
In terms of the 12 word message; that was mentioned in an affiliate program that Be Irresistible shared but did not create. I wish we could clarify that further but in reality we also are not clear on what that is. What we are clear on is that there are several things you can do in this situation that will be effective. First, be respectful. Even if you don’t agree with what he is doing or saying, be respectful in talking with him about it. There will be a lot for the two of you to figure out and you will need time to do this. Next, be honest with yourself and with him about what it is you want. That is vital so that there is no question about this. Also, be sure to be realistic with yourself about what is happendngand what could happen.
One of the reasons we encourage people who are divorcing to take some time before committing to a new relationship is for this exact reason. You can’t make a major life decision right after separating or divorcing. IT is too much of an emotional time for people and many people make bad decisions. WE see that in people who get married quickly after a divorce as there is a much higher divorce rate in second marriages. Why? Because people make these decisions when rebounding. They need time to figure out who they are once they are out of a marriage before determining what type pf partner will work.
For now, has he spoken about what he wants or is ignore that you are looking this behavior and determining what it means?
Kanya
Hi Prestige, Ughhhh, I can understand your frustration. On the surface it seems like he might not know what he wants. However, I think if you’re willing to move slowly the two of you could build something over time. Here’s what I mean. Even though he hasn’t responded for 24 hours or so, that’s OK. I know it makes you question things and makes you wonder if he’s coming back but for now just give him his space.
The last time he let you in, the two of you were getting close, when you got upset with him and used some strong language that will make him question if he can make you happy. You told him that he was selfish and that basically you were disappointed in him whether or not you use the word disappointed. This will make a man question if you can make a woman happy. Yes you were frustrated, but I think there was other, more respect for ways to talk to him about it. Just out of curiosity have to have you ever talked about that situation? I’m Wondering if it would be helpful for you at some point to just lately apologize for that time and let him know that you’re sorry you disrespected him.
If you guys are gonna build something you need to expect this to go slowly. You’ll spend some time together or you take a break you spent time together you have time on your own. You can let him know that if you’re going to consider stepping back into something what you need, and want, and are hoping for. I don’t think you’re quite at the point of having that conversation but I do think you’re getting closer. If you start spending more time together this month and spend time together over the holidays it’s perfectly reasonable for you to just let him know where you’re at. When you do so remember to be respectful, playful, even lighthearted about it. Sometimes women make mistake of trying to be overly serious about something so that I may I won’t understand how important this subject is to them. However, that often backfires. Telling a man we have to talk let’s sit down this is serious will wear him out emotionally fairly quickly. That doesn’t mean you don’t have conversations With him, it just means you do it in a particular way.
Have you taken a look at all of the great articles that James has on this website? There’s a lot of them under the tab irresistible insights. I know there’s some on there about how to talk to your guy. Now might be a really good time for you to take a look at them and start implementing the strategies.
Or now so please slow things down. Don’t expect him to be there every day. Don’t expect him to be a gaga right now. Think of this as a time of preparing the soil for planting the relationship in the next few weeks to months. I’m wondering what you think about what I’ve shared?
Kanya
Hi Maria, I want to go back to something Heidi shared that is important; you cannot change him. You cannot make him stop looking at other women on line. You can ask him, you can share why it is important, you can tell him that you need that in order to stay in the relationship, but ultimately you can’t make him do that. Have you set that boundary with him? You can do so from a loving place, saying something like “Honey, I know you love me but when I see you looking at other women so much of the time I just don’t feel special. Feeling special to you helps me be closer to you which I really like. Do you think we can make some changes?” Sit back and give him space to talk. See what he is willing and not willing to do. I would refrain from giving him an ultimatum but be open to letting him know how it affects you. His reaction and response to your request will tell you what you can expect of him. Ultimately this could help you make a decision about how to move forward. What do you think of that?
Kanya
Hi Dawn, I can understand your confusion and frustration. He is in the questioning phase and that can be scary. Since you did ask about this weekend and he was not willing to commit to anything I would simply make your own plans with family and/or friends. Be sure to send a pic or text mentioning how much fun you are having. Some woman think this is mean and to tell you the truth, it could be mean to send to a women that you weren’t including. However, this is a bit different. You need to show him that you have a happy and satisfying life without him. This will make him want to hand out with you. It’s all about giving him little hints and reminders that you are really fun to be around. The more he gets these hints and reminders the more irresistible you will be.
If he mentions that he is sorry that he can’t see you, either tis weekend or next, say something like “That’s okay. I was looking forward to some alone time anyway. Go have fun.” Men need to know that they can do their own things once in awhile without their gal calling apart. Also, it has only been 1 month. It takes sense that he wants to do his own thing once in awhile. When they experience that freedom they want to come back and hang out with us. I know, it can seem a bit weird, but it tends to work that way. Men need to pursue to fall in love. Let him do more pursuing for the next few weeks and see if anything changes in his interest level. I know that may not be what you want to hear but I do think it would be effective. What can you do this weekend that would make you feel good and remind you of how amazing you are?
Kanya
