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Hi Shinthuga, I am sorry that he hasn’t responded. I realize how frustrating this can be. I agree that it isn’t wise to keep reaching out to him at this point. If he isn’t open minded enough to hear you out then he probably isn’t the right guy for you.
I realize that all of this is new to you and you are still figuring things out but given this experience how do you think you would handle your situation in the future?
Kanya
Hi Alla, I love that you are doing so much to support yourself. There is no doubt that what you are going through is very difficult. I really acknowledge you for all you are doing to move forward. I get that weekends are difficult because you don’t have as much to keep you busy. It does sound as though you are thinking through some activities and interests which is great. How is your son coping with the change?
Kanya
Hi Reese, That sounds like a frustrating situation. Can you share more with us such as how the two of you know each other, what are the things that make you feel as though you have made a bad impression on him?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I know ow difficult that can be. I want to assure you that being sad and lacking energy is totally normal when you go through something like that. I find it interesting that he thinks you are moody. It sounds as though he may not understand how difficult this separation has been for you and how that would affect your moods.
I can understand why you are confused. On the one hand he is wanting a divorce on the other hand he is talking about remarrying. I just get the feeling that there is more to this than he is sharing. For ow you do not have to agree to a divorce. You can let him know that you still want to work things out and aren’t ready to commit to giving up. That doesn’t mean he won’t move forward but I think it is important to realize that you don’t need to go along with everything he says, you can determine what is important to you and how you want to move forward.
One thing I would recommend is to stop booty calls. He isn’t giving enough to you and this relationship to warrant giving so much of yourself to him. You can let him know that it just doesn’t feel right to at this stage and that you want some time to think about things as well.
Given all that you have been through in the past few years I wonder if it would be helpful for you to start seeing a therapist. It might help you work through some of this and it will provide you additional support.I’m also wondering if you have ready The Relationship Rewrite. I think it would be helpful at this time. Creating a strategy is important. Up to this point it seems as if you have been following your husband as he leaders through this process. The Relationship Rewrite will give you a step by step plan that you can implement to help get things back on track. I usually recommend that you read it through 1 time then go back and begin to implement the steps. Is that something that you would be interested in doing?
Kanya
Hi Alla, I can understand why this dream was so upsetting. It is reflecting what you fear may be happening to him in a metaphorical way. I am glad that you reached out to him if only to see how disconnected he is to this situation. While that is painful to see it is also important to see. As Heidi shared, he needs to fight for himself. Trying to do all the work to make a relationship thrive is very difficult and over time impossible to do. He needs to figure some things out that only he can do. For now, focusing on you and your son and rebuilding needs to be the priority. Can you share what you are doing to take care of yourself? Who is o your team at this time helping you through this?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, My heart goes out to you. I can understand why this is difficult. I’m glad you are here letting us support you! This is such a complex situation because he stepped out of the marriage 2 years ago and it may be difficult to really understand why but let’s try. I’d like to start by asking you a few questions:
Why did he decide to move out in the first place?
Did the two of you actively try to work things out?
What do you think is his main complaint about the marriage/relationship?
In what days have you shown him the ways in which you have changed?I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.
Kanya
Hi Antoinette, I am sorry if we aren’t sharing your enthusiasm about reconnecting. I just want you to be realistic with all the possibilities.
You could certainly send a quick message saying something like “Hope you are well! Enjoy the holidays!” It’s very non-commital and friendly. And, you could get a gauge on where he is based on his response. Is that something you are thinking about doing?
Kanya
Hi Seng,
I’m so sorry that going back to normal life makes you feel sad. Can you share more about your living situation. I wonder if there are ways to bring more joy into your life so that you eel more satisfied at this time?
I hear that from your perspective this person is on the up and up. He’s a surgeon and not capable of scamming others. The thing is, how can you know that is who he is and what he does? Never the less, what does his behavior tell you about this person regardless of what he says he does for a living? It seems to be that he has been giving you mixed messages. It is not realistic to have this many emotions in just a week of texting. Instead can you focus on interacting face to face with friends and finding ways to meet people that you could actually see in person?
Kanya
Hi Shinthuga, SO glad we are o the same page lol
I think vague is best. Something like “I do need your help but want to discuss in person.” Then move forward wit planning a meet up. I’m really proud of you for taking this step. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things feel incomplete and to take the step to say what you need to say. I’m sure you are inspiring others here to do the same. When are you set to meet?
Kanya
Hi Ala, Thank you so much for sharing more. The more you share, the more I see how confusing this is for you and for him. Let me do some perception checking. The two of you are no longer together but you do keep in touch. You believe the communication stays on the surface for the most part. He is coming for a visit in January. While it sounds as though he is excited I find myself wondering if you are excited? I would imagine that it is difficult to think of letting him back in especially when you aren’t even sure about what that means. I would also imagine it is difficult to think about letting your son see him again given what happened.
Has he talked about wanting to reconcile, work things through. I’m also wondering if he has gotten a new job and gotten his life back o track in his country. I wonder if he tried to change too much of his life at one time and if he found that overwhelming as I think most people would be overwhelmed by so much change at once.
It is interesting that he initially didn’t let you into the decision to end things then asked why you weren’t fighting for the relationship. Have you talked to him about this? Asked him what he wanted you do to in that situation? It sounds like it might e time for the two of you to have an honest conversation about what happened. That will require a lot of deep listening as well as deep sharing. e sure to work on staying calm as he shares and being respectful even if you don’t agree of feel hurt by what he says.
Above you shared that when he shared is anxiety you tried to cheer him up. I wondering if he needs you to listen more deeply and empathize with what he was charing. It ay ave nee difficult and scary to hear but sometimes listening is the best way to help someone. How did you feel when he shared that he was feeling overwhelmed?
Kanya
Hi Joy, I am so sorry that this is happening. It must be very shocking for you. Can you share more about when the two of you broke up and what actually led to the break up?
Kanya
Hi Marcela, I am so glad that Heidi’s words helped clarify the situation for you. I know if can be strange when you suddenly have perspective. I remember reading somewhere something that really stuck with me regarding this type of behavior.
The author gave an analogy related to dog training. I know, it is weird but stick with me as it really made sense. The author shared that when training a dog dogs actually try harder when the trainer is inconsistent. I was floored because I thought that consistency would be more effective. Turns out inconsistent training motivates the dog, or the person, to try harder. That is what happens with me who treat women poorly. Women often try harder the more a man mistreats her. Women want to please and will work harder at it when a man is treating her badly. IT is actually a highly effective response in relationships between women but highly ineffective in relationships between men and women.
I am so glad to hear that you are ready to walk away from this guy. I ave no doubt that if you stick around he will continue to come and go as he pleases. I’m exited that you are moving on and making room for something so much better! Please keep us posted.
Kanya
Hi Kylie, This is a very complicated situation. In reviewing what Heidi shared, I don’t think that she is suggesting radical acceptance or an ultimatum. I do think she is talking about advocating for yourself in getting more info and perhaps getting him to open up a bit more.
It is good to know that he too is confused and is aware that this is not what one would expect from a young man. I think that talking to him gently, framing it from the perspective of sex being an important part of a loving relationship. I think it is reasonable for him to talk to his doctor, have some tests done and see if they can determine what might be affecting him.
It makes sense that he feels sensitive about this but that isn’t a reason to avoid the conversation any longer. I think you can lovingly say something like, “Honey, I think it may be time to talk to your doctor about the situation. I realize you don’t want me to worry but it doesn’t seem that we are resolving the situation on our own. Would you be willing to take to your doctor, have some blood work, check hormones etc? Who knows, it might be something that could be resolved easily.” Then, sit back and give him space to process. He may be able to talk about it in that moment and he may need to think about it for a bit. Either way, it seems like it is time to take some action to determine what might be happening.
I’m curious, do you know if he was more sexually active in his past relationships?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, It sounds as though you are really honoring yourself. Doesn’t it feel amazing to do so! I’m so excited for you. Keep trusting your heart and things will evolve effortlessly. Please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Dawn, Let me assure you-you are not useless at this relationship thing. You are just finding your grove. Without judging yourself, what if you just learned from things? Like, maybe next time you won’t be as available. Try that and see how it works. For this time, it does seem like he has a lot going on and staying home made sense in terms of his self care.
Next time he initiates maybe say something like “Would love to but my day is crazy. Rain check?” Let it be light and easy. Also, I’m wondering what you are doing these days to take care of yourself and stay connected to you?
Kanya
