Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Rebecca, I like your plan. It is important to acknowledge that you are needing space right now and that you are looking forward to these 5 days when he is away. I think starting to talk to new people and allowing yourself to see what is out there is a good step forward for you.I encourage you to check out the Irresistible Insight page on this site to learn more about the most effective ways to get a man’s attention! Right now, what are your avenues to seeing new men?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, I am sorry that things ended intros way but I think it might be best in the long run. For someone who demands good communication he seems to have difficulty with it at times. Please remember that even if things didn’t work out it had nothing to do with you being ‘good enough.’ You are absolutely good enough. Amazing enough. Wonderful enough. Many of us deal with that feeling when we feel rejected. It is important to pay attention and be sure to give yourself all the reassurance you can find that you are good enough just as you are!
I have a feeling that over time this person may have made you doubt yourself in other ways too. Focus on moving forward, maybe make a list of all of the amazing qualities YOU bring to the table. When you start to doubt yourself review that list and even add to it. It’s time you start to see your worth and value!
Kanya
Hi, That is so frustrating! Can you tell me how long it’s been since you noticed that he was starting to show less interest?
Unless you are sure and have proof that he is with someone else I would avoid accusing him of anything. He may have left his phone in the car. On weekends does he usually disconnect from the world or is he often on his phone with friends, on line, etc? Have there been other weekends where he disappeared? Did you tow have plans that he forgot about?
How often do the two of you hang out? Has that changed recently? Can you are more about how things have changed recently?
Kanya
Hi Tracy, That is a great question and a great way to remind someone of how great you are! I would send a short, playful text. Something like, “I just remembered it was your birthday. Hope you have a really great day and remember-you’re awesome!” add some fun images, etc. You can make if more personal by adding something that you really like and appreciate about him in a light way. The most important part is to keep it brief and fun. You want him to just get a taste of how great you are so that he starts to think about you and hopefully wants to connect more. Give him the space to initiate the next interaction! Let us know how it goes.
Kanya
Hi Martine, Wow, you are having some powerful awarenesses! So, one theme I see is that perhaps he was feeling less than; you were more successful, he was still building his career. You were good at giving him advice, he was still trying to figure himself out. I think you are correct in seeing that perhaps he needed to feel more like the ‘man.’
I’m wondering, have you tried to ignite his hero instinct? I think that he would respond well to this. You’ll need to ask for his assistance with something that he is naturally good at. Think of what that could be-helping you move something, asking his opinion of something, etc. Then send a text that reads “I need your help.” When he responds, let him know what you need. After he completes the request, let him know how helpful he was and how much you value him.
I’m also curious if you share compliments with him? You can compliment small things as well as large things. Doing so might help him see how much you do value him and his abilities.
When you do spend time together, if he offers to buy you a coffee or dinner, receive his support gracefully! He knows that you can support yourself but he needs to know that he can care for you financially and otherwise at times. Alison Armstrong talks a lot about women becoming the queen in a relationship to a man’s King. Being able to receive from the king, to welcome his desire to care for you, is vital to the balance of a relationship. Given your current interaction, what are some ways that you can allow him to care for you and give to you?
Kanya
Hi Peggy, Yes, I agree that he has a big reaction. Taking time to process your emotions is an important step in communication. If you just talk in the moment, sometimes things are said impulsively. I actually things that an important part of communication is to be able to think things through. Different people need different amounts f time to do so. Honestly, 3 hours doesn’t seem like a long period of time to think and process.
I wonder if, because he teaches communication, he has a certain idea about what communication SHOULD look like. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for individuality and personal expression. I find it interesting that you were wanting to just be his friend and not pursue a romantic relationship a few days ago. Now you are asking him to give you another chance. I’m curious about why he became so much more interesting all of a sudden? Sometimes we become interested because being rejected feels so terrible we’ll keep trying at sometime even when it isn’t a positive experience anymore. Can you tell me more about where you are with all of this?
Kanya
Hi Alexa, I love the idea of going to a meeting. 12 step meetings can be very healing and can also connect you with a community of people who are going through a similar situation. It is also a wonderful program that will help you become more loving towards yourself. I am glad that you are keeping the door open and dating a bit. It is good to go slowly and start to show the real you to the men that you date Being yourself and loving yourself is the best gift that you can give to yourself. I think that dating a bit is important right now as you will ge two try new things and step into uncharted territory.
I hear what you are saying about kids. I would encourage you to trust that if you want to be a mother you will find a way! Whether you have biological children, adopt, or foster there are many ways to parent and love a child. I trust that that door will open for you when it is time!
Can you share more about the trauma bonds that you are learning about? How do you see it affecting you in terms of relationships?
Kanya
Hi Jane, I am glad that you found someone that you love and have a good connection with. What would be the next steps from your perspective?Living together? Marriage? Can you articulate it for me? Also, has he shared why he isn’t ready and what he would need to be ready for the next level?
Kanya
Hi Tammy, Wow, first I want to acknowledge you for getting out there and letting yourself be open to love again. I know how much courage this takes. You are doing a great job! I’m sorry about the past hurts and missteps. I know how frustrating this can be. You are demonstrating a lot of fortitude to keep moving forward!
In terms of your current guy, I think you may be settling. Before you make a final decision I think you need to let him know that you need more then hold him to his promise to do more. I’d also ask him why he isn’t comfortable letting his family and friends know that he is dating someone. There could be so many reasons but I am curious about what he has to share. Maybe start but suggesting the two of you meet out somewhere after work rather than just going to his house. Mention a restaurant you heard of or a movie you want to see. If he doesn’t take the bait then be more open and direct about it. See if he can start to expand things a bit.
I’d also see if you can expand things a bit sexually. Playfully suggest some changes and see if he can move outside of his comfort zone a but in the area as well.Just out of curiosity, what is his relationship history like?
Kanya
Hi Sharon, I applaud you and all the insight you have developed into yourself! I noticed something that I wanted to point out to you. You talked about what to do if a man showed interest in you. It sounds like if you say no thank you that this feels like you are rejecting him. Perhaps there is another way to look at that. Sometimes saying no thank you to someone else is really saying your to yourself. If a man shows interest in you and you are taking a break, just let him know that. You may be surprised that a man welcomes such honesty when it is expressed in a respectful manner.
It sounds like your year of celibacy may have been for other people versus yourself. What if Heidi is suggesting you take a break for you this time? Give yourself time to consider why you loos sexual interest in someone after a short amount of time. YEs, things do naturally cool off in partnerships when we move out of the honeymoon phase. However, this is when emotional intimacy can deepen and that will foster greater sexual connection. It sounds as though the emotional intimacy may not be deepening in this stage which is why you start to loss interest. Does that make sense?
In terms of the scarcity mentality, now that you know where incomes from what do you think about updating it? Perhaps it is time to start to notice all the amazing, beautiful, and sexy men around you. That doesn’t mean that you act on your attractions at this point. Instead, just notice these men and start to let them notice you. There is no need to act at this stage, just enjoy the reciprocity of interest and connection emotionally without turning it into a sexual energy. Does that make sense?
Kanya
Hi Rebecca, I love the insight that you shared at the end of your posts this a fantasy that things could work between the two of you or do you just feel rejected? I wonder if it is a little of both that you are feeling? Of course you would like things to develop with someone you have feelings for and of course you want to avoid the feeling of being rejected.
You shared an important morsel here; you feel that you are not exciting to him because you want more. Yes, men do need more of a pursuit that occurred in this situation. It’s time to change the tide and you have all the resources to do that! The solution? Stop showing him your interest. Take a step back, initiate less, response more sporadically, spend less time together. Go back to the way things were when he first initiated with you. Men absolutely become complacent when they can easily get what they want. So, make it more difficult. Stop participating in anything that looks like a friends with benefits situation. That is now off the table. Avoid situations where the two of you could be in that situation again. Set clear boundaries. Refrain from telling him that you re doing it to get his attention. Instead just let him know that you prefer to be friends. IT even makes sense given your working relationship which could get VERY complicated.
IF you take a step back the energy between the two of you could start to build again. However, if he continues to say that the two of you will never go the distance I would consider getting involved with him. Do you know why he has this idea? What makes him think that things won’t work out between the two of you?
Kanya
Hi Iwona, I am so glad that you are on the forum. I can understand why this is so difficult. First, it is important to realize that things are in flux but there is every reason to believe that they can get back on track. The two of you are interacting and spending time together so it sounds like th door is still open!
One things I do want to encourage is for you to take a step back and get some perspective. I know that you really want this to work. You really want to be with the love or your life, your soul mate. That is understandable! It makes sense that right now it feels as though your happiness is dependent upon this working out. That is probably not true in the long terms but is often how we feel. But, your life is not depending on this. I wonder if part of the issue is when he chooses to do something that is different than you would like you feel as if his decision is ‘killing you.’ Does that maybe relate to anything he has shared with you about not feeling supported? Without realizing it I wonder if you have put some pressure on him to keep you happy? Right now is a good time for the two of you to start to grow as individuals even as you are together.
Being that you are 25, it makes sense that you will start to consider what you want your life to look like in addition to being in this relationship. I get the sense that he is doing the same thing. I’m not sure if he really doesn’t know what he wants to he does know but is fearful of how it will affect the relationship. For now, I suggest a lot of listening to him without trying to change of fix anything. Even if you don’t agree with him it is important to listen and let him figure things out. If you have some ideas, ask him if he is open to hearing ideas and if he says no then honor that request.
He’s also expressed that he doesn’t feel appreciated for what he does for you. I suggest you start to share your gratitude more. Acknowledge the things he does for you, the support he gives to you, anything that he has mentioned. One thing I recommend is that you read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman to understand the variety of ways people give and receive love as may be giving love to you in ways you haven’t recognized yet.
I also suggest you read “Te Relationship Rewrite” that is available to you on this site. IN it James outlines a step by step plan to get your relationship back on track. I suggest you read through the whole thing first. Then, go back and start to implement the steps one at a time. This will require patience. It sounds as though the two of you have some habits and patterns that aren’t functioning very well. Take the time the relationship deserves to create new patterns, new habits that help both of you feel loved and supported. I know I’ve aired a lot. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas about how you would like to move forward!
Kanya
Hi Joy, Thanks for sharing a little more. I can understand why this is so difficult. I still don’t know the basics of things like how long you were together, problems between the two of you, etc. You shared that his current GF divorced so that she led be with him. Were the two of you together while she was going through a divorce? Was that around the time the he thought you were cheating?
My guess is he won’t talk to you because when you have spoken there is tension and upset. IS that accurate? While I totally understand that, he will run from too much emotion at this time. It sounds as though he thinks you cheated so he doesn’t feel the need to connect wit you. What if you just start to send him light hearted texts every week or so to start to set a different stage between the two of you? I wonder if that might help make room for a conversation at some point. Thoughts?
Kanya
Hi Rena, I am so sorry. I can imagine how hurt and confused you must be. Finding out abut an infidelity can rock our whole worlds. I can understand why you would want to work things out. The two of you have been together a long time. I think that it is important to realize that all of this is new. You just found out, he is no longer keeping a huge secret, etc. It is going to take some time to process all of this. In the past was your husband someone who could talk through things? If you both have a tack record of this it will go a long way in healing this.
For now I would go very slowly. Let him know that you need time to process but that you feel there is still so much good. If he won’t accept that you will trust him again remind him, respectfully, that you are willing to trust him again and you would like the same opportunity. Nothing needs to be nor should be decided right now. The he left where di he go? Do the two fo you have any children that you are still coparenting?
Kanya
