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Hi Taji, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? Let us know how we can support you.
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, Great job on the exercise! What you are sharing is par for the course given that the two of you don’t spend your time in the same room. You haven’t really gotten to know each other. You’re still learning how each other’s sense of humor works. Does it feel as though you might be going numb and talking yourself out of something because yo may actually meet face to face soon? You have been talking on the phone for so long, it would be really normal for you, or anyone, to be feeling nervous about pending tae to face time.
You need to expect that there will be things about him that you did not expect and things that you may not like. That is true for any couple and any relationship. Do you think that the fear is getting the best of you; shutting down now so that you don’t feel disappointed when you spend time together? Even if you ultimately don’t have enough in common or a big spark between the two of you, you do seem to have a friendship that you can grow. Have you considered that?
Kanya
Hi Georgette, I am so glad that you posted to the forum as well! How are you doing with your initial challenge? Can we support you with that in any way?
Kanya
Hi Karmel, I get that you are ready for more and you are starting to get the idea that you deserve more. That is an important first step. What actions have you been taking to make this transition? There is a great book that I think would be helpful. It’s actually a workbook called “Codependency No More” by Elisabeth Cloud. It is full of great exercises that will help you develop awareness and skills regarding how to put yourself first without feeling bad about it. I use it a lot with my client and they really like it.
I also suggest you talk to someone while you do this healing. It is really good to have a profession to talk to and help you navigate this sort of new territory. How are you doing taking a break fro him? Do you have a good support system?
Kanya
Hi Rhonda, I am so glad that you re seeing how far you have come. The fact that you aren’t blaming yourself is a huge win — way to go. I love the strength that you are demonstrating in all of this!
I noted that in the last 2 messages you said “I don’t know” at least 10 time. So here is the challenge. Get out som paper and start with the root sentence “I don’t know.. and answer the question. Here are some examples of what might come out “I don’t know what he is thinking. I don’t know what is going to happen.” Fill out that root sentence at least 10 times. Then, work with the root sentence “I do know…” and answer that at least 10 times. I have the sense you may know more than you are giving yourself credit for! Let us know how it goes.
Kanya
Hi am glad that some of what I shared resonated with you. It is a difficult situation where you are ready for something that you partner is not ready for or vice versa. You asked how to keep supporting yourself in all of this;
I already started to really focus on making myself happy in other stages of life and give him space, and in the meantime using our time just to do
fun things, having dates and kind of loosen our “heaviness” to clamp on the relationship, and just enjoy time and recharge our batteries with it.This is a great place to start. Taking more time away from he relationship and focusing on your life is most important. When you do these things does it help to relax the anxiety inside of you about where things are heading? What other things help that anxiety relax? Anxiety usually comes when the future seems up in the air, as though it may not go where you want it to go. The reality is, things may not work out between the two of you. That is difficult to face given how things started but that is the reality. You need to know that you are going to be okay, happy and whole even if the relationship ends at some point.
Of course you have a right to hear how he is feeling. And, how you ask for that and respond to this will impact his comfort level when it comes to being open. In the past, when he did open up, how did you respond? When talking about stressful things, it is sometimes helpful to really slow down the conversations. Listen, empathize, make the goal be to hear each other first. Finding a solution comes later.
You asked, “How can I do this without having him closing and starting to be aggressive towards me?” Yes, there is a great need to be respectful in these conversations. And, we each need to take responsibility for our behavior. I don’t know what you mean by him being aggressive towards you. Does that mean that he gets upset and says things in anger? Does it mean that he becomes irrational and personal in his response? If this is happening, the two of you may need to set up some ground rules for these conversations so that they don’t get personal. There is a great book called “How to Be An Adult in Relationship that I think would be good for both of you to read at this point.
Have you asked him what he needs to feel ready to introduce you to his family? Can he articulate these needs? Perhaps that is the first place to start?
Kanya
Hi Karmel, First of all I want you to know that there is no reason for you to be ashamed. You are acting out what you have learned about love so far in your life. And, you are aware of the inner struggle you are facing that is telling you that something is not quite right. This is what we as humans do. It is important to keep learning and growing so that healthy relationships feel most comfortable to you.
There is a book that I recommend to my clients all the time called “Codependent No More” by Mlody Beattie. There is also a workbook that goes with it. I recommend that you get both and begin to work though your tendencies to accept this hurtful sort of love. You don’t need to judge yourself for where you are as quite frankly this is common. We as females are often taught from a young age to put our needs aside for others. That is what you are doing when you say yes to someone who does not love you as you are. We all have the opportunity to learn to advocate for ourselves in a different way.
When you were a child, did your care givers put their emotional needs before your emotional needs? Do you have people that you loved tell you that you weren’t important and that you weren’t perfect just as you are. Even if they didn’t tell you those things, dod their behavior tell you those things?
Kanya
Hi Michele, I really hear that you are open to learning as much as you can about this situation! I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice, but I do believe that experience can help guide you forward. Given past attempts, as he responded to one way or the other in a more positive manner. Meaning, does he respond better when you ignore humor when you initiate? What is the maximum time you have given the not communicating option?
Kanya
Hi Karmel, Welcome to the forum. I’m really glad that you are here as this is an understandably confusing situation! Yes, you can about him and there is something that is drawing to you but I’m not sure that it is something that is good for you. Here is the thing; he’s lied to you throughout the entire relationship! He’s lied and wants to continue to lie to his girlfriend while he has an affair with you. I know that is hard to hear and you may feel that I am being harsh but it is important to take any illusion out of this. He is unwilling to end his relationship with his girlfriend and wants you to settle and have an affair. The fact that he is asking this of you tells me that he is highly selfish and not aware of what a healthy and loving relationship looks like.
Next, he is telling you that in order to be lovable, you need to lose weight. You need to match some sort of ideal vision of a woman for him to love you and be attracted to you. How do you feel about that request? How do you feel about how he is treating you? You deserve so much more! It has only been a few months and you are willing to change so much to get his love and attention. I suggest you take a huge step back, close the door to a guy that clearly does not care for anyone but himself, and focus your energy on feeling good about yourself! What are your family and friends saying about this situation? Are they furious that someone is treating you this way?
Kanya
Hi Taji, Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that you are dealing with this type of situation and can only imagine how difficult this is for you. DO you believe that you are the reason that he has not been able to create a successful career? Are there ways that he is limiting himself in this situation? What I am hearing is that he wants you to be less so that he can feel like his is more. Do you think that this is part of what is happening?
Can you tell me what you want in this situation? How much do you want to change or bend to fit what he needs? I can imagine that you are really in the thick of it given that you have been with him since you were in high school. You have built a life with him that is in jeopardy which must be frightening. The way he has handled this is really terrible and hurtful. How are you doing and what do you want?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, Wow, you had a really sporty weekend! I’m impressed and inspired. Do you find that working out and exercising makes you feel stronger and energized? I also find it makes it easier to see things in relationships more clearly. How about you?
And yes, we have a winner! It does take a few weeks to “certify” the election results, but that is a bit of a technicality. For the first time in my life, there was literally dancing int he greets when the winner was announced. So exciting that change is afoot! Stay safe!
Kanya
Hi Luisa, No, that phrase does not seem mothering to me, just supportive. I don’t think you are mothering him just trying to support him. In terms of scents, while I am not familiar with the exact science, I do think that missing a little food scent with floral would be appealing such as a vanilla candle.
I think the combination is appealing because it is a very homey scent of food mixed with the feminine scent of floral. There are a lot of ways to accomplish this. I do like the idea of a vanilla candle.
Have you had the opportunity to be supportive with the types of texts Heidi suggested?
Kanya
Hi Michele, as difficult as it is to accept, I do think he is showing signs that he has moved on. He was with her for 3 years which is a very long time and while he was willing to help out initially, he isn’t responding to requests for help. You ask on an earlier thread if you could move on even if you don’t initiate divorce proceedings. Yes, you can absolutely do that. There are a lot of people who separate but don’t divorce.
The cha;;edge her his that it sounds as though eh does want to divorce. I can totally understand that this is NOT what you envisioned for yourself or your marriage. You had hoped that this would be a life time commitment and you certainly felt you were headed in that direction. Unfortunately, life has a different plan for you. I know this might sound cliche but I wonder if the Universe has something better planner for you? Have you ever had the experience of something turning out wonderfully even if it is very different than imagined?
Kanya
Hi Theresa, Welcome to the forum. This is a complicated situation. He isn’t finished with his marriage yet and is trying to manage a second relationship. I know that sounds strange since he was separated but until a divorce is finalized, the couple is still in a relationship. They are still being affected by each other. They are still likely to be affected and hurt and often reactive. This takes us to his need to keep you separate at the stage. It sounds as though he did not understand that he needed to take time before dating, a nd certainly needed to take time before introducing anyone to his daughter. And, I think he was blind to how him quickly moving into a relationship would create tension between him and his almost ex. He must keep you out of the picture until the divorce is final. It just gets too complicated legally to involve you in that part of his life.
That being said, it is not easy for you. I really get that as you are not unwinding anything. On the contrary, you are ready and raring to go! He just isn’t there legally and he is not there emotionally. Research says that men who get divorced need approximately 2 years before they are emotionally ready to move into their next serious relationship. While you can’t und this, it does seem like a good idea to take a step back and really be realistic with your expectations in this situation.
I agree that you should be aware that this is a rebound situation for him. Not one that he did on purpose but one that may turn out that way. We don’t know and can’t know from this perspective. Rather than arguing with him about this, maybe it’s time for you to get clear on what you want given the current reality you are dealing with. Based on where he is, what works best for you? If you can’t move forward with some areas of his life, can you move forward with other areas? Can you focus on building your friendship and support of each other even if the path is not 100% clear? Can you make strengthening the relationship the priority? And if so, what would that look like?
Kanya
Hi Emilie, It is early Saturday morning and still no decision. The numbers are clear but I believe everyone is being very cautious about calling the election because so many citizens believe the results are fraudulent. Given the speed of the counting in Pennsylvania – my state – and the number of ballots to count I don’t think they will be done until Sunday at the earliest. While it is stressful, I am really proud of how 328 million people in America are calmly waiting for the result. Yes, there are a few people here and there who are trying to create mayhem but that vast majority of us are being patient, calm, and kind. Very proud to be an America right now!
I’m glad that you had a fun conversations, he does sound entertaining. It remains to be seen what happens next. If I am hearing you correctly, you are calm about this and really not attached to things progressing in a specific manner. That is a empowering place to be! Having communicated with you since December 2018, I am really struck by how much you have grown and evolved since you joined the forum. I hope you re feeling really proud of yourself!!! Enjoy your weekend!
Kanya
