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Hi Angela, Welcome to the Forum. I can understand why you are confused. He does tell you he doesn’t want to be with you and then gets made when you don’t pay attention to him. In order to figure this out let’s look at what he gives to you. Can you share more about that? Is he looking for a friend and companion or is he treating you like a girlfriend. You say you don’t think he has been with anyone except for maybe a one night stand. And you track him and what he does on the computer. Would you say that this is part of a healthy relationship? It seems as though you have not trusted him for some time. What is your gut saying about this person and about your relationship?
Kanya
Hi Melissa, I like that he wants to talk about things in person. That would be a great opportunity to share more and listen more. HE has given you some mixed signals and I think it is really possible to ask for clarification in a respectful manner. Is that something that you think you would be willing to do?
Kanya
I love that you are willing to give the space thing a try. I know it will be hard at first but with time you will see that there is an ebb and flow to missing him; some moments will be challenging and then many moments you won’t be thinking of him. The frequency of the latter moments will increase with time.
I am so proud of you for searching for the right therapist for you – well done! I am excited to hear how it goes so please keep us posted!
Kanya
Hi Brigid, I am so glad that the two of you had a good conversation. Seems like you are moving forward as friends and who knows, things could develop more with time as he actually gets clear on what he wants.
I love that the creativity was flowing for you. I’ve been feeling the pull towards some creative expression lately and am setting aside time next weekend to explore a bit. Are you connecting with any friends creatively these days?
Kanya
Hi Nuzhat, I am a little confused about your thing as the Pandemic hit the US in March 02, not March 2019. Never the less, it sounds like it has been a year since you saw each other. It also sounds as though you usually went to him in the past when you saw each other. And now he wants you to go to him again. I guess I don’t understand why he is upset with you when you had no one of actually visiting. He also could not visit but you re not angry with him. There seems to be many unrealistic expectations that he has of you in this situation and that is what is concerning. You didn’t have a green card and so you could not have left the country initially, even if there was no covid. Then, it was impossible to leave for some time. And, throughout this you have had to consider your mother’s health and safety. If he could not understand this then this is a great concern.
Is it possible that you did not see this side to him before because you were never in a position to say no to him in the past? It is possible that the relationship ends because of the distance but for him to be upset with you and to hold you accountable for something you can’t control, that seems to be the challenge. It is interesting that he is upset that you are putting others before him but isn’t he doing the same thing? What steps has he taken to return to the US to be with you? Continuing to expect you to do the impossible, and then getting angry at you for not doing so it at issue. Before this you did not see this side to him but now that you have it is important to trust that this side has always and will always be part of him.
Building a life with someone is complicated. How will this expectation he has of you doing the impossible continue to affect you should things work out between the two of you? He clearly isn’t all good or all bad, no one is. But this controlling side is something that you need to be honest with yourself about. Now that you have taken 2 weeks off from communicating, how are you feeling?
Kanya
Hi Jing, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I hope that she recovers from the illness she is experiencing.
You are definetly NOT a lost cause. You are just dealing with a challenging situation. I appreciate your sharing more about your culture as well as your culture differences. I have two children who were originally from Southeast Asia. They still have contact with their family members who still live there. It is a beautiful culture. The loyalty to family and tradition is a beautiful aspect. I admire him for continuing to support his larger family and imagine that he will continue to do so. I do think that something is off in that he is not doing the sam with you and your son.
I am glad to hear that he has finally told his family about you both. I hope that the integration into the family, getting to know them, developing a familial relationship will be positive. I do think that you deserve more and I’m wondering if it is time total an inventory for yourself. For all of these years you have been accommodating his life and his needs. Perhaps it is time to figure out what you truly want and need. Then, determine how all of this fits into your life. You can have a positive relationship with your son’s dad whether you are friends or partners. It just seems like he hasn’t been willing to be your partner through this and if that is important for you, it is okay to take a step back while giving him some space.
Sometimes we need to trust ourselves in terms of what we want and deserve and let others know that this is just non-negotiable. I can understand why that may create difficulty, especially due to both cultures being more patriarchal, but I do think that there may be a way to navigate this with more equality. When you think of it that way, do you see other ways of managing this situation?
Kanya
It seems as though you are a family in the sense that you share a child together. That will never change. But he has never told his family that he has another son. I can’t imagine how confusing and hurtful this is. Even if he works with his families business he has a right to a life and he has a right to a family. Unfortunately he doesn’t see it this way.
The supernatural force you speak of may be the part of you that fantasies that you will get back to the first phase of the relationship and move forward as a happy family. While it is hurtful it seems that staying fully in the present with who he is and what is happening now is the most real place to be. I understand that you want things to go back to the way they were the beginning but that is difficult to replicate. Even then you were both isolated from the world and not sharing your lives fully with each other.
I’m curious, what do the people who love you think and say about this situation? How are they supporting you?
Kanya
While it is impossible to say what is happening with him, what contributed to it, and what will be it is clear that this is a difficult person to try to have a relationship with. you have many questions but not a lot of answers because he isn’t honest with you. I imagine that leaves you feels very uncomfortable, confused, and possibly powerless at times. Do you ever get the sense that you are investing a lot with little return?
In terms of your questions, men like this rarely see that their behavior is a problem or that they have something to work through. Has he even shared this sort of awareness with you? I do think he is lonely but I don’t think that he realizes the part that he plays in creating the distance between himself and the woman in his life. I don’t know if he will ever want to settle down as being close to someone for that extended amount of time would be very triggering for him unless he works through the things that get in the way for him.
Do you want to settle down, marry, forge a solid relationship with someone. If so, perhaps you need to look be honest about what this man can, and is willing, to give you.
Kanya
Hi Samantha, I think the biggest step, which you have already noted, is to get distance from him. This makes it easier and more likely that to occur. If you aren’t willing to do that, can you imagine that there is a way to stay connected to him, share physical affection, and still not fall for him? I’m not sure that is possible. You , of course, can prolong things but the reality is, he could still start to date someone else, he could fall for someone else as there are no guarantees.
What if you treat him like a good friend without benefits? Is that a realistic place to start?
Kanya
Hi Brigid, I do think that texting once in a while would be fine. I would certainly let him initiate at least half of the time. This will help to keep things more in the friend zone. If hanging out makes sense in the future it sounds like you have a lot of options. I’ve been to Sarasota many times and there are a lot of fun things to do there. How are you taking care of yourself throughout all of this?
Kanya
Hi Samantha, I know how difficult this is for you. Heartbreaks are the worst thing in the world. Can I ask you a question? What don’t you want to let go of? You guys are friends but being with him is difficult because he can’t give you what you want and deserve. So, are you having a difficult time letting go of the hope that he will change his mind and things will work out for the two of you?
Kanya
Hi, A few threads back you wondered if you were over thinking things. I believe you are over thinking. It sounds as though the two of you are still in the getting to know you phase-would you agree? How long ago did the two of you start to communicate? How much time have you spent together? I get the sense that you need to slow down this process and go back to just getting to know each other.
Do you think it is interesting that you were pushing your sexuality and now he is thinking too much about that? That is important for you to see. You have so much to offer, let him or any guy spend time getting to know you before sex. This allows love to develop for them rather than pushing the sex aspect. It takes time to get to know each other and that is not something that can be rushed. DO you remember what you were like before you started seeing him? How dod you spend your time? What thoughts filled your mind and what did you focus on before him? Let’s help you find a way to refocus so that this isn’t taking up this much of your time and attention! What do you think about that?
Kanya
Hi Sheron, I wonder if it would be helpful to approach this differently? I would absolutely stop begging for his attention. This could be pushing him away which is the opposite of what you want. Instead, be positive, share appreciation with him daily, but give him space. Take the time to learn to be happy and confident with yourself regardless of whether or not he is paying attention to you. Give him space to miss you, to want to be around you again. This could take a few weeks but it is often good to have space at times to be excited about coming back together. Have you ever tried this approach?
Kanya
Hi Gail, I am glad that you are wanting to help him feel good in this process. Could you focus on asking him for something related to cooking? Perhaps you would ask him for a recipe that he has made for you in the past. you could then send him some pictures of the finished product with another show of gratitude. I’m also wondering if there is something project at home that you would ask for his help with since he is good at repairs? Perhaps changing out the hardware in the kitchen or fixing a running toilet? Do either of these ideas seem like an option for you?
Kanya
Hi, I am so glad that you are checking in and letting us assist you!
I really understand your fear that he will spend time with other woman and while you want to keep him remembering you, I am glad that you see that stalking him is not the way that you want to be remembered! There is a great book called “Attached; the science of Adult attachment” that keeps popping into my mind when I read your thread.It talks about the three types of attachment styles; Avoidance, Anxious, Secure. There is a pattern of anxiously attached woman who feel confident and healthy BEFORE they start to date a guy with an avoidant style who loss their confidence and start to feel “crazy” after an avoidant leaves them. It sounds as though this may be affecting you i na similar way. A big fear of survival has been triggered in a longer part of your psyche and that part is convinced that you can’t make it without him. It is vital that you imagine comforting that younger part of yourself and developing an unbreakable relationship with that part. If you are open to doing some counseling I highly recommend you work with someone who is trained in Inner Bonding. You can locate one at Innerbonding.com.
If you are up for it, take a look at the early part of your life. Consider the times that you felt physically or emotionally abandoned. When did you feel alone when you needed to be with someone to feel safe? These are the memories you are working on healing at this time. Connect with that scared part of you thought out the day and reassure her that you are there for her, the tyou have things covered and that you will not abandon her. It will take time to build this bond but in doing so you start to feel secure when people around you need space or end relationship. Is that something you are open to doing?
Kanya
