[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

Time goes by so fast sometimes! It’s already 2 wks since you wrote to me! I sat down to write a reply and i’m having trouble logging in for some reason. It won’t let me see page 16 – tells me its only for members! lol 😀

I’m glad i had it set to email me the messages from you, so i have a copy of your last response to me!

You wrote:

I’m sooooooo glad to hear your son is finding his balance and that you guys are connecting much more. I’m curious. You said him going to Ethiopia really changed him. Why is that? What do you think he got there that helped him shift?

My take on it is — he got some distance from what he was familiar with, experienced the opposite to an extreme, and now, he finds the familiar stuff to be a bit of a relief. But ALSO – his social limits got tested and must’ve broken some limits he’d set for himself so he’s not able to completely fit back into his isolated lifestyle. He is more communicative because he’s realized he actually likes it. Just not 24/7 like in Ethiopia. But he also can’t go back to 24/7 isolation like before.

But – maybe i’ve changed too? And i relate to him differently? idk. I don’t feel any difference in the way i’m connecting to the kids, but definitely, my ability to trust them has increased. One of my fears was that they would feel like i wasn’t there for them. I wasn’t sure how to achieve that balance, as they got older – because, when they are little, you are responsible for everything, so you kind of take control of everything. But, as things got more and more out of control, i wasn’t sure how to ‘be there for them’ while allowing them the freedom to live their own lives and make their own choices and learn for themselves the consequences of their actions.

I lived in a lot of fear. 🙁 all of my decisions were being made from a place of fear. I LOVE how i am able to exercise trust in different ways and connect all of them. The strongest connections i see are between JB & God. I can’t figure out if my trust in God increases my trust in JB or if it’s the other way round. i DO know that i am conscious of the ‘feeling’ of trust. And i am aware of the sensation of distrust. And i am aware of the movement from distrust to trust – it feels like relaxing a clenched muscle. I can tell when there is the slightest amount of distrust – it feels like a clenched invisible muscle! although the tension isn’t in a specific part of my body, my body DOES increase in tension a bit. So, that’s a signal to me too, that i’ve moved into a space of distrust, which is ruled by fear. So, when i find myself in a place like that, I am able to deliberately put it into God’s hands, because i know i’m in a space that i do not have control, but God hasn’t lost control in that area.

The way i do that, is to simply face my worst fears – and imagine what would happen if it came to pass — for example — last month, when i had blisters on my hands, i had to trust the kids to do the driving. It was nerve wracking! But, i knew the distrust was all on my part, and i didn’t want them to start absorbing my distrust. SO – i asked myself what i was afraid of? And accident? So what if we DID have an accident? Well — since the kids were driving slow, it wouldn’t be a super bad one. WE’d have to wait till the cops came and sorted things out. it would be a good lesson for them in what to do if they’re ever in an accident on their own! it still took me a few days to relax completely, and i still had the tendency to tell them what to do, but after about 2 wks, i stopped interfering and then i started to notice how much they were improving. I was able to point out what they were good at and what they needed to pay attention to. And i was happy to see that they are not afraid to be driving on their own.

I am ashamed of myself, for not letting them drive sooner, but they never expressed an interest, and i didn’t push them, because i felt better when i was driving them around! But that is a feeling coming from a place of fear too! I can trust their wellbeing to God, just like i can trust mine to Him. My ability to trust keeps getting stretched, but i am excited about that, because the more trust there is, the less fear there is!

I love the relationship bank analogy! SO cool!!! And you’re SO right! it’s the Little Things that fill up a bank! The breakdown of a relationship is the loss of the Little Things! So it makes sense that the presence of the little things fills it up. There are many avenues of filling our bank up, with God being a major part of it as well, because whenever i get excited about something i’ve discovered in church, i am able to share it with JB and he gets just as excited about it! There’s something SO, SO, SO satisfying getting excited about something together!

Interestingly, i don’t find that i need to share everything with him. Sometimes the relationship bank fills up by someone else, as a ‘side-effect’ of sorts. That happened today – i went out with another man — we’ve been chatting for about 4 or 5 months. Zero chemistry even in writing, but we did develop an interesting friendship – very open and honest and fun and silly. So we met. And we hung out for about 3 hrs. I couldn’t help but compare him to JB! JB is SO, SO, SO different! I’d go out with this guy again, although we both know that we’re just friends. There’s an ease in our conversations. BUT – it’s the same feel that i have when i’m hanging out with my younger brother! lol 🙂

All those subtle difference that JB brings with him — oh, they are SO COOL! The biggest difference that i noticed was in who was in charge of the space! JB is COMPLELTELY in control of the space around him! When he comes to visit me, it’s like he provides the framework for our interactions. So, everything we do, feels like him, and that made even familiar things new again. With this friend – there was no framework, so i took charge. We had a good time, but i didn’t feel or experience anything through him. Does that even make sense? JB has an energy i haven’t experienced from anyone else! This guy – he was exactly like all the men i’ve ever made friends with in all my years – my Little Brothers. Well – i must say, i’m very happy that JB doesn’t feel like a little brother! lol 😀 So, that’s a plus for the JB bank, contributed by a new little brother! lol 😀 Oh – we went to the mall to get out of the sun, and the last time i’d been there was with JB, and i totally lost touch with the presence of my Little Brother – because i was filled with JB’s presence.

OMG – i wonder if he felt it too! Because we didn’t stay in the mall long after that! So, that’s a few more points for the JB bank. There was a new area in the neighborhood that I went to for the first time with JB. it was a beautiful place, and i wanted to go back and explore it some more – but i either have to go alone, or with JB! There was someone i’d known MUCH longer than JB, and he was in town and asked where to meet up, and i wasn’t able to go to that place i found with JB! although, now that i think about it – he wouldn’t have been able to erase JB’s presence from a place either. He added points to the JB bank too! lol 🙂

I don’t know if i’ll ever tell JB that other men are adding to his account. that sounds so funny! i might tell him someday after all!

well — my most recent challenge is a car challenge! my car has died. 🙁 it may be beyond help. The mechanic i took it to, told me to get a second opinion, preferably at a dealers. Well — 4 days later, a new dealership opened up just a mile from my home! rofl 😀 😀 😀 IF they are actually able to fix the car, then this is stranger than fiction, right?! lol 😀

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi! I’m so glad you’re still here!!! Sorry Kanya isn’t! you’ve been a part of one of my Best Adventures, and I absolutely LOVE sharing it with you! i actually went back and read my very first message – lol 🙂 wow! Life has changed SO MUCH for me, in such a short time!
 
My son is stable! His trip to Ethiopia has greatly improved his relationship to me! He just started working – and his work place is walking distance from my apartment. I pick him up in the morning, because he has no car yet, and after work, he walks over and has dinner with me and the daughter unit. I feel like he’s turned a corner, because he was suffering from the isolation. Ethiopia tossed  him into the deep end of the pool, and now he’s kind of feeling more comfortable in our average interactions here, which is nicely balanced with his privacy at the house with his dad. 

I still don’t have a job! BUT – i did have an idea last night that i’m actually going to pursue, even though it’s a volunteering position. There’s a local office that provides counselling for people in the county that don’t have a lot of income. They provide the training and you volunteer several hours a week to work for them. I actually sought counselling from there once, many years ago, and the lady i met with told me the training program is very rigorous and excellent. SO. I’ll be signing up for that as soon as i find out when the next training session begins. i want to work with men. I’ve been noticing how easy it is for men to trust me. Women trust me too, but women have far more options to vent than men do. BUT – i’ll get my training first and see if i have a choice in the matter or if i’ll just be assigned to whoever needs someone. 

JB – you are SO right. Definitely an interesting experience! omg! i never even expected he’d still be in my life! I started writing to him in Nov of 2019! Didn’t even think he’d respond to my message! Most men didn’t! Why would he? And now, my life is upside down and inside out! It’s just unbelievable! He hasn’t said anything to me, verbally, about how he feels. What  he said after our last visit – that most of his visits were solely because of me – is the closest he’s come to saying i matter to him. SO – i’ve decided to give him all the space and time he needs to communicate to me, in his own way, how he feels about me. In the meantime, i just make note of the things he DOES do, and if i have something to compare it with from my past experiences, then i compare. 

For example, one day in Feb – it was the weekend of his mother’s passing a year ago – and his brother wanted him to come over for something or other. So, he asked if i was free to meet with him for coffee, before he went to his brother’s. He had just gotten out of work that morning after an 18+ hr shift! That was our shortest visit – about 2 hrs. BUT — i wondered why he hadn’t taken a nap before meeting with his brother? Why had he chosen to spend time with me instead? And i remembered an identical situation with the ex – when he had just come back into town after his stint in his station. He’d been on the road for 2 days and he was exhausted. BUT – he took me out for dinner instead of just going to bed early. EXCEPT that — he also invited a mutual friend along. I felt uncomfortable the whole time, and the next day or the day after, i asked him why he’d brought Jean along. And he said he’d knew i’d want to see him, but he was too tired, so he brought her along to talk to me because he didn’t have the energy to entertain me! I never understood that bit of logic. It also bothered me, and made me feel small and ugly. Why hadn’t he simply said he was too tired to go out? was i the kind of person who couldn’t understand that? 

I compared that with JB – seeking to spend time with me when he TRULY WAS tired! He didn’t bring someone else along to entertain me with, because HE wanted to be with me! So – although he never said anything to me — the fact that he’d choose to spend time with me when he was tired — spoke volumes. He found my company refreshing. He didn’t feel like he had to entertain me. IF i were the kind of person who takes up his energy, he wouldn’t have made time for me after a long day! or any other day either! 

The kind of energy that JB has brought into my life is that of Completeness. I’ve never, ever, ever felt Complete, Ever before! Even if things were going my way. I remember family vacations – which were far and few between. BUT – i never sank into any of it, never enjoyed anything to the fullest, because i was always looking at the other people around me too, sometimes wishing i was with another group instead. This feeling never went away even after i was married and had my own kids, so i kind of got used to it. But, with JB — I feel like all the people who need to be in my life are here! And it’s so odd, because i feel that way whether i’m with him or away from him! Whether i’m alone with him or with others! — the others — not any of his friends or mine. but strangers. The one time we were out – an old man who was simply shuffling by while we were sitting on a bench having a drink — shuffled back and with no intro, launched into some baseball conversation. JB knew exactly what match he was talking about (From several years ago!) — and was able to engage in a very intelligent conversation with a man who seemed to be lost in that game, and in that time. He abruptly ended his conversation and left, and then shuffled back when he remembered something else and chatted with JB some more. 

I can’t begin to tell you how much that whole thing meant to me! And the feelings that accompanied it! I didn’t feel like the old man was intruding upon my time with JB. I also didn’t feel like I’d lost JB’s attention! How was he able to do that, while being completely engaged with the old man? I LOVE the ease with which other people can come and go into our space and there’s no upset feelings anywhere! This is something totally NEW to me! Every time before, when i’ve been with someone i am eager to be with, i’ve guarded my time with them like a dragon it’s gold. How am i not so possessive over JB’s time? 

His time is extremely precious. Even though he’s been on the job for 30 yrs and has a high position, he still has no control over his schedule. He could, if he wanted to, make demands, but he chooses not to, and makes himself available. With SO MANY cops retiring, he’s even been assigned to the streets.  And NYC is not a good place for cops! So when he chooses to spend his free time with me, i make sure i am FULLY available. I clear everything off my calendar so i can give him as much time as he wants. I like being able to do that. To me, his time is a gift. I need nothing else to make me happy. I also have his  trust. This too, is an unparalleled and unique gift! No one has ever told me, every single thing in their life, good, bad and ugly! in fact, he doesn’t tell me all the good things. I find out by accident when he slips up in conversations. Like the time he mentioned a past girlfriend whose father was really sick for a while and he still prays for the man! He broke up with that girl AGES ago, and doesn’t even know if the dad is still alive! He has a very kind, tender heart! I think that’s another reason he is so slow to say anything. Anything he says, he’ll mean it 100+%. So he has to be careful what he says. JB is good for my heart! lol 🙂 

So – what has brought me to this place? Yes, i was working with a coach and that was really helpful. She helped me connect many dots. My weekly sessions with her are over, but i still have access to the coaches in the program for a year, and i can call them up every week and chat, and sort through stuff that comes up. Except that, nothing is coming up! lol 🙂 So, i call Marci to give her updates on what’s going on in my life. One time, she called me because she missed chatting with me. lol 🙂 

I believe the coaching sessions were a great tool. But the reason for the speed of my recovery is my renewed relationship with God. I’ve been trying to sort out why my relationship with him is different now than when i was growing up. And this is what i have come up with – when i was a child – i knew about Him. But, i was like an orphan in an orphanage. Well taken care of, but didn’t belong to anyone. When i became orthodox, i found a family, but it was a fatherless home. And my ‘mother’ didn’t have time to play with me. In the Catholic Church, i have found my Father! And he DOES have time to play with me even though the world is going belly up!! Mostly, we’ve been playing with money, because that’s what i am running out of and needed to stop panicking about first. BUT, my relationship with money is simply a parallel to all other ‘resources’ in life. Like Time. And My energy. and my heart. How much can i give, when i have nothing to give? Well – it depends. IF i have no one to depend on except myself, i have to be extremely miserly. BUT – if God is my never-ending source of all resources, i can give freely! Of course, there’s wisdom in spending too, but i was never an unwise spender, so that’s not something i had to learn. 

I am trusting God to show me my income source. it has to be something i can continue to be free with. I don’t know how my needs and wants are going to change over time either. So. I just put out feelers. and examine the resistances if any show up. I have several options, but they all come with resistance. and i’m not interested enough in anything to even examine the resistances deeply. For anyone looking from outside, it could very well look like i’m being a very irresponsible person. BUT, if i were, the guilt would eat me alive! I wouldn’t recommend anyone live like i do! it’s too easy to fool yourself! Even now, i keep checking in with God to make sure i’m not being a reckless fool. We’re in new territory here. i have no idea what’s going on! 🙂 But i have this unshakable confidence, that i WILL know it when i find the thing that is right for me. Like the counselling course — even though it’s a voluntary position — i feel NO resistance to it now. But last year, there was resistance to it. I didn’t want to do any volunteer stuff at that time, nor did i want to invest in a course of any kind! I can’t explain the shifting. I wouldn’t know how to teach it to someone else either! 

But, in the same way that i can be ‘reckless’ with my money — i can also be reckless with my love! God is the source of it. And i don’t have to be a skimpy giver. So, there’s 3 people in my life that i’ve decided i’d say yes to, 100% of the time, unless it’s a clear No. then, there’s my family – who’s financial needs i am always going to say Yes, to, unless it’s a clear no. then, there’s friends — they have a Yes for my time, unless it’s a clear No. And finally there’s the random people that happen into my life with various needs – and for them, it’s always a NO unless it’s a clear yes. lol 🙂 And i don’t care how selfish it makes me look. God knows what my limits are, and i’m trusting him to only lead me into situations that i have the tools i need to handle them with. So, whenever i find myself in a place that requires a bit of sorting, i am able to do so without a panic. I don’t know how people do it without trusting in God! i can’t do it! 

i tried to shorten this — but it kept getting longer instead! i’m so sorry! I’m so happy i can share about JB here! i haven’t told any of my friends or family about him! his presence in my life is simply too delightful to share willy nilly! But my kids know about him. As a friend. And the other day, he sent me some songs that he thought my son would enjoy! 
~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi & Kanya!!!!

Are you guys still on here? Wow – it’s been SOOOOOOO LONG since i last wrote!

I just wanted to share a quick update. I’m learning SO MUCH about myself! it’s simply breathtaking! Yesterday, i noticed the pattern in which i learn. I am a cerebral person. Brain work comes easy to me. I can think things through in a dozen different angles in the time it takes most people to process one angle. But, most of my life, the information that i gathered, never filtered all the way down into my heart. That’s the journey i was on last year – a journey to my heart. I was finally able to sort through ALL the massive amounts of junk my mind has collected over the years, and identify the things that matter to me the most. I needed my heart to do this sifting, and that required a great deal of trust, which is something that i didn’t have. I could write a whole book (or several!!) on just that journey to the heart!

And Now, i am on the next leg of the journey. Transferring my Head/Heart knowledge to my Body! So i can LIVE what i Love! I’m not sure what happened that drew out this picture for me – because once i saw the logical progression of how information is being processed in my body, i suddenly have a very definite plan of how i want to live my life! Not only that, it gives me a VERY SOLID Framework of priorities!

The way it works, isn’t unlike the digestive system! WE absorb information through our senses, digest it in the heart, and take action with out bodies. So the KIND of information we consume is VERY IMPORTANT, just as the kind of food we eat is very important! All the ‘failures’ we experience in life are simply the stuff our system has no use for — so really – we should just be flushing our failures, not sitting by the toilet and getting depressed! lol 😀 Of course, just like you can diagnose an illness or a deficiency with stool tests, so also, you can examine your failures and learn from them. But even if all you do is simply flush and move on, you’re doing great!

So now, i know what kind of information i want to consume. I know how to digest what i consume. I know how to avoid things that are not necessary for me, and even harmful! I am also keenly aware of resistances that arise in me, and i am able to focus on them and get to the bottom of it, and decide if it’s something i want to work through or not worth my time and effort. Knowing why i am committing to something that is difficult for me is SUCH An Unexpected source of JOY! I also find that i LOVE to encounter a resistance! it allows me to examine what i’m doing.

I was also able to rank all the people in my life based on their importance to me, and ‘budget’ my resources — time, heart, money, etc. This is SO cool, because now i know how to say yes and no – to varying degrees, based on the depth of connection! I used to be an all or nothing person, swinging from giving my all, to burning out, and closing the doors and giving nothing. OMG! The degree of freedom in having boundaries is — OH SO Delicious!!!

And i’m learning something So, SO, SOOOOOO profound and Beautiful from JB — Enjoy the Ride! He came to see me two weeks ago. He spent about 6 hrs with me. It was a beautiful day and he’d brought his cat with him, and we wandered through the parks and drove through quaint neighborhoods. He was driving SO, SO, SOOOOOOOOOO Slowly that i got anxious at first, wondering if he might be in the way of others who wanted to get to their destination faster and didn’t have all day to enjoy the journey. So, i kept looking behind us, and then… thankfully… i looked at him instead.. and i wondered why i was worried about someone else? JB was keeping an eye on the road and he’s been driving at least 3 times longer than i have! And i relaxed. And i started to sink deeper into our time together.

I don’t know if this is the way he normally operates. I don’t know if it’s something he thinks about deliberately or if it’s just instinct. Whatever it is, I’ve begun to notice that his decisions aren’t just right for him, they are also good for ME! My trust in him has deepened to such a degree that i can’t think of anyone else i’ve trusted as much as i trust him. When he left, he said he was headed home, and i was surprised. Normally, when he makes the drive up to my neighborhood (takes him at least an hour) – he visits others he knows who live around here – his brother is about 5 miles from me and he also has some friends here.

So, i messaged him – and said i hoped he felt like his time was well spent, because i didn’t know he was making a trip just to hang out with me. And he responded with a statement that still takes my breath away. He said – No, most times I visited it was solely because of you, Vino. So… i simply sit and think about all of visits. i’ve seen him about 5 times since October. He doesn’t visit on a regular schedule, since his schedule isn’t regular. I’ve been So Extremely Happy that whenever he says he’s free, i’ve been available. I don’t want that to change! Of course, once i start working, i won’t have such an open availability. 🙁 But, for however long it lasts, i’m going to suck every last bit of goodness out of it! 🙂

Well. That’s my update. I just wanted an excuse to talk about him. He fills my heart with so much gladness! 🙂 Wherever our path takes us, it’s going to unfold extremely slowly. BUT — i DO have the rest of my life, so what’s the rush, right? 🙂

i’ve never been so happy in my entire life!

~~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Kanya!

i completely understand what you’re saying. I was just about to share my thoughts and my ideas with a few more trusted friends. I’m sure they’ll support your wisdom over mine! lol 😉

I could be completely wrong. But i feel like i need to do this. I need to write to the lawyer and find out what the process is. Basically, i want to release him from his obligations — but — he is free to keep paying me if he wants to. IF he sends me checks AFTER i have released him from his obligations, i will take it and use it. It would be money given freely. Right now, i hate every single check i get from him.

I know my plan sounds reckless. But here’s another analogy for you — Tarzan swinging through the vines — between one vine and the next, he’s not holding on to anything! IF he was always too afraid to let go of one to grab a hold of the other, he’d never have been able to fly through the jungle like that! Ok — so Tarzan is fictional. How about training wheels on a bicycle? Sure they give you some confidence… but can you truly ride that bike till the wheels are off? How about the puffy floaty things you can attach to your arms while learning to swim. Can you dive in the deepest sea if you can’t take those off?

BTW – i completely agree with you that we need to do our part. I am still working out what my part is. As it shows up, i will do it. I also agree that it’s important to weigh the risks. Right now – my part is to release people from their obligations. I don’t like being obligated to anyone either! Forced obligations carry a LOT of negative energy with them. IF i do not release others, i myself will be held back by that negative energy. The risks of carrying negative energy with me are greater than being destitute but free of negative connections!

Watch this space! I will either soar like Tarzan or crash like — hmmm — who do you know who crashed beyond recovery??!! 🙂 No — i am not aiming to become destitute. I am clearing the space so God is free to do whatever needs to be done. I sincerely feel liberated in some way, just by making these decisions. Sometimes, the greatest burden is sitting on a fence, being indecisive. That’s what saving up for an ’emergency fund’ felt like. I already did that. It’s all i’ve got now. I’m using it up. When it’s gone, it’s gone. like the end of Tarzan’s first vine. I can either build up my momentum and fly before i run out of vine, or slide down the vine and plummet into the water below. a minimum wage job at this time, would be like tying a five foot piece of dead vine to the vine that i’m running out of. It won’t get me far. It’ll only get me closer to the water that i’m about to fall into. But — i could let go of the whole thing — and jump into God’s care! I’ve heard that He’s a good swimmer! and perhaps he flies too! 🙂

~ vino

ps — i truly do appreciate your weighing in on this! please don’t feel at all like i have rebuffed your advice! it wouldn’t have been caring or wise of you at all to tell me to go ahead and be reckless and see what happens! so, thank you!!!

[Vino]

Kanya, thanks for your thoughts! Indeed, it occurred to me that i had worked really hard at keeping people out of my life – especially women — and of course, it makes perfect sense that they wouldn’t know what i was willing to receive from them.

Heidi, thanks for you good vibes!!! I spent Christmas day, doing some of my favorite things – i watched a cheesy chick flick – “the Holiday” – which was introduced to me by an online friend. And that reminded me of all the blessings i’ve received through people whom i haven’t even met! So i wrote to my online friends, who’ve known me over the past 10 or more years, through the darkest years of my life! They’ve been like shining starts and angels to me — seeing something of value in me when i was down in the muck. How AWESOME is that?! Surely they saw me with God’s eyes! Who else can truly see a person from the inside out?!

One of the things I shared with them, became the seed for my meditations this morning – i shared how i LOVED pouring myself out for my TEAM at the store, in the last 3 months, when we were on that suicide mission, and the only reason to go to work was to be there for each other. What a high i got out of that! I would’ve worked those 3 months for free, because nothing compared to being there for the TEAM!

So — when i woke up this morning — i wondered who my TEAM was now? I truly do need a team that i can pour myself out for! I decided that Whoever was in my thoughts every day, would be my current team. JB and my kids, and my immediate family. And then, whoever came to mind during the day, would be the rest of my team for the day. So, this morning, i wrote down each person’s name. And i noticed that i felt forced to write down 4 more names. The Ex. His mother. And two mutual friends. This distressed me, because i couldn’t figure out why the two mutual friends would be in the same group as the Ex and his mother.

I won’t bore you with the way my mind worked it all out. But — by the time i finished my scripture readings for the day, it had become clear in my mind. Group 1 of my Team is made up of people whom i love freely. I can give to them freely, and i can receive from them freely. Group 2 – there’s an odd sense of obligation attached to each person, which creates some sense of guilt. There’s a negative tie there — which could be entirely of my own making — but it is still negative and it needs to be fixed. So – i tried to puzzle out what i owed them. And i came up with some interesting answers. One of my friends in that group, had helped me financially, last year, when i moved to my new apartment. He said he didn’t want the money back. I told him, if he ever needed it, he should let me know. But even when i said that, i knew he wouldn’t ask for it back. he knew i wasn’t working! Soooooooo………………..! I’m going to give him his money back. It was a large sum, and i can’t return it all at once. BUT – whether he feels like the money is between us or not, i feel it’s best to clear it. And hopefully, he won’t feel obligated to help me financially again! If he does, i will continue to return it as soon as i can!

The second one that became clear was the Ex. I am getting alimony and child support from him. I’ve always said that if i had had the means to support myself, i wouldn’t have agreed to take that money from him. I hate any ties to him. As i thought on that this morning — I realized i don’t have to wait till i have a definite source of income, to cut his off! How can i say i trust God to provide for me, if i keep holding on to a reluctant source? I KNOW for a fact, that he isn’t happy to give me that money, even though i didn’t ask for a penny more than he was legally obligated to give me. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO…………..! I’m going to find out what i have to do to release him from his obligation!

Soon after i made that decision — my heart began to soar again. You know — i’ve always said that i can only experiment freely on myself. I can’t ask anyone else to test out a theory for me. So — with all my curiosity about herbal and homeopathic meds, i’ve never felt free to recommend them to ANYONE! Because i haven’t tested it on myself and i can’t say if it works or not! But, i am a fairly healthy person – so i don’t have many occasions to test such things out. When it comes to finances it’s the same way. I say i’m trusting God to provide for me. And i feel no anxiety because i have a sum of money to still rely on and i’m hoping a source will become clear to me before my savings run out. BUT — what proof do i have that God will provide, if i have the confidence of a sum of money to fall back on??!! There is only one thing i can do to test myself and see if i truly DO trust God as much as i think i do. Pay back all my debts, and cut off all my financial sources. Since the Ex is my only source of income right now – it is extremely important that i cut that off. IF i wait till i have another source before i cut his off, that doesn’t prove to me that i’m trusting in God.

I am excited! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Experiments!!!!! and i can’t ask anyone else to do such an experiment for me, can i?! it’s too reckless. it’s too foolish! the loss, would be great, if i lose. And since i’m extremely curious about how things will play out — who else can i put on the line except myself?!! I am SO INFINITELY Thankful that i am in a position that i can carry out this experiment, without worries that it might affect someone else negatively! This is just too awesome!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for the good vibes you send my way, for the time you’ve spent on me, for your interest in me and my concerns, for supporting me when i needed it, for being such good listeners, and for your insightful questions and thoughts… you guys are simply AWESOME!!! You see — on a relationship level, God has always provided for me, even though i didn’t recognize it, because i was only focusing on the one relationship that i never had. it’s TRUE that men are able to reach a place in my heart that women don’t. BUT — that’s just one place in my heart, out of a 100. There ARE 99 other places to explore and reach!

Life is good! i hope you guys had (and continue to have) a good holiday week! And i wish you endless good things in the coming year!!!

much love,
~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Vino.

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!!

From the depths of my heart – i appreciate your checking in on me!! I know you help out a lot of folks – and it means a lot that you’d follow up with me! Thank you!

The kids’ flight was yesterday. They just got through customs and are trying to figure out how to get out of the airport. Their plane landed 2 hrs ago! the kids have been super excited about the trip – buying stuff for their cousins, etc. I was especially pleased when i noticed my son gathering his favorite books to share with one of his younger cousins who is a big reader. Not only did he think of her while collecting the books – he also wrote a little note in each of the books about how he found it and why he likes it!! i was not expecting that at all!!! My absolute favorite gifts of all times were books from friends with a little note inside!!! To see him open up his heart that way and share something that he loves — that means a LOT!!!! The walls we build to protect ourselves, also prevent us from sharing out love — being able to share the things we love — is a step in the right direction to learning to trust and share more of ourselves.

This is why my hopes are high for their trip — they will be there for 3 months – one more month – if we can work out some more details. BUT – their being open to connecting with their cousins, uncles and aunts, and grandmother, gives me SO MUCH Hope! I think, the reason we are lonely is because nobody sees our hearts. But the reason nobody sees our hearts is because we hide our hearts, to protect them. Until we let our hearts out to be touched by the hearts of others, we will experience that loneliness so deeply. I’m learning these things for myself, only now! And i am exceedingly thankful that i know what they need in that part of their lives — so i can encourage its growth when i see it. Our lives are so full of establishing ourselves so we are secure and stable, that we lose track of our deepest needs. Connections!

I wish i could share with you, all the things i’ve learning every single day! But i can’t keep up with my own journaling!! God has been SO Exceedingly good to me! I’m still replaying the events that led me back to church. I had no intention of that ever happening. And yet— such deep healing has been happening and continues to happen in me, through Church! you’d think i’ve never been to church before! lol 🙂 I have a confidence in my heart that i have never experienced before. I felt no fear in sending my kids away for 3 months or more. IN fact, i have been so free of stress that i keep feeling like i’m forgetting something! lol 😀

My stress-free-ness is also extending to my connection with JB. I have no idea where it’s going and how long it will take, but i keep thinking — if i could return to church and fall in love with God the way i have, nothing is impossible! lol 😀 IF JB is meant to be in my life, then, he will be in my life. He’s getting more and more tangled up in it for sure. I can share with him freely about my kids. I can share with him freely about ANYTHING. it’s kinda weird though — we’ve been texting a lot less lately. well — i should say I am texting a lot less — i’ve been busy with getting kids ready for their international travel. He checked in on me the other day to find out how i’m doing. And he also said he’s going to take a day off, so he can spend it with me.

oh – that brought out a lot of the Lost Past. I’ve lived a travelling life and far away from so many people, that i never expect anyone to visit me, unless they have business in the area that would make it affordable to visit me. I, on the other hand, love surprising people who live far away, and don’t need the excuse of official business to visit someone. The only time i expected someone to visit me – was after my Daughter was born. I expected my neighbor to visit me. After a week, she sent a note with one of her kids, explaining why she hadn’t been to visit me yet. She was busy homeschooling, she said. Of course, I thought. She homeschools 24/7. She can’t leave her kids alone for a few minutes because they might disintegrate without her – unless she had a wedding to go to in another continent, in which case, she could leave them with her husband for 2 wks and all would be well. She lived up the hill – about a 5 minute walk away. Less if you have long legs. I’d known her & her husband long before they were married. yeah. She wasn’t a stranger. I thought she was a friend. it hurt for a long time.

i have similar experiences with almost all other women in my life, and it always left me feeling that i don’t belong with other women. None of the women that i ever thought were my friends, ever did anything for me that they did for each other. Like baby showers and bridal shower. No — nobody NEEDS such things. In fact, it’s only done in the west, as far as i know. in the eastern cultures, the coming together happens more After a baby is born – so the new mother doesn’t have to do anything other than sleep and make milk and feed the baby and sleep some more. I didn’t live anywhere close enough to anyone who knew me enough to do that much work for me. But… when my son was born, i lived nearer to them, and they did come to visit, but they just sat around in the living room and didn’t know what to do, and i was in the bedroom, trying to feed the baby and getting stressed out that i was being unsociable. It was awkward. Nobody visited a second time. i also didn’t know what they were expecting of me — to feed the baby in the living room? to sit with them and bottle feed the baby?? I was super confused.

Life, for me, has always been a lot less stressful, if i don’t expect anything from women. Marci asked me if things have changed now. And i thought about all of my new female friends, whom i feel a lot more connected to, than anyone growing up. And i realized that, although i enjoy their company a lot more, and i know they’d help me if i asked — i’d rather not have to be in a position to ask them for anything. I don’t know how to let a woman do something for me. I’m able to write to you, and talk to Marci – and i feel supported by you — but is it because you’re far away? Is it because i don’t know you on a personal level? IDK.

I recently got back in touch with a friend of mine from TX. I truly enjoyed talking to her. I plan to call her again soon and tell her about my adventure with God & JB. I haven’t told anyone of my friends about him. What would i tell them? It’s too vague. But i can’t get rid of this intense urge to talk about him! i want someone to be vague with me! lol 🙂

In writing that last sentence, i just realized i am enjoying the vagueness, even though it drives me nuts at times. lol 🙂 i’m a mess. i think i need more sleep! lol 🙂

in the coming weeks, i am looking forward to cleaning up my house! I would really like to get some decorations up by Christmas too, if i can! AND – i’m going to invite my friends over one by one, and make them some Indian tea – the only Indian thing i know how to make! lol 🙂 if they don’t mind coming together in a larger group – i would TRULY LOVE to have all of my friends from the store here! I was emptying out a suitcase for the kids to take, and two of my ACMoore t-shirts fell out and for some reason – they felt christmasy. Last year – was a difficult christmas, but we were still working together, and we were bonding together in our loss. I think we should have a christmas party together every year, in our ACMoore t-shirts!! How i hate this covid thing, getting in the way of all our celebrations!! But – we will celebrate yet!!! Nothing can stop us from enjoying our lives! lol 🙂

[Vino]

Hi Heidi! Where are you posting from? The time stamp on your message says Nov 12, 1:06pm and it’s just 9am here…. WHERE is it past noon already?! lol 🙂

How are things progressing?! Have you seen the new Reality show called “The Year 2020”, yet? I’m deeply invested in it! Awesome drama! So many surprise twists and turns! Never a dull moment! No clue who’s in charge! Totally Brilliant! i can never watch another show again! lol 🙂

First off — i LOVE LOVE LOVE the coaching program i signed up for. My coach is Marci Meyers. I still haven’t availed of the all the program has to offer, because of The Year 2020! We have one scheduled call once a week, and i can talk to her two more times the rest of the week, if i want. I can also talk to any of the other 7 coaches anytime, but i haven’t ‘met’ them yet. They have a weekly group coaching call that i haven’t attended yet, and i think that’ll be a great way to get to know the other coaches. For now, i’m gaining way too much from just the calls with Marci and the material she dishes out each week for me to go over. A lot of it is stuff i am familiar with and have figured out on my own, but it is put together in an organized and sensible way so i am able to dig deeper into everything and dislodge more limiting beliefs inside of me! Such an exciting process!!

I was just looking over my last post and noticed that one of my problems that i’d talked about has been solved! — Namely – my lack of desire to do anything for anyone else. We dug that one up good a few days back! Not sure how it surfaced – but it is rooted in the my parents’ desire to treat me and my sister with fairness. Good intent. But it backfired with me. I felt like i had to share everything i had with everyone i met, because nothing was mine and i wasn’t allowed to enjoy anything i was given, unless someone else had the same thing. SO… my baby brain figured out – if i don’t have enough to share – i won’t have to! This totally limits how much money i can make!!!

Having established that i am actually quite a generous person and love to give, i am now focusing on ENJOYING to the fullest extent, ALL that MY life has to offer me! I even had a bit of guilt attached to my good health! it was unshareable… and i was always apologetic when i was with someone who is less healthier… my weight loss platued for that reason! Figured, if i’m half way between fat and fit, i won’t make anyone feel bad. But, this morning, my body feels like it got run over by a truck, from my BJJ class last night… and OH, how GOOD the pain and stiffness feels! It is a wonderful thing to be able to USE every muscle in your body! I could get drunk on all the good things in my life! in fact, that’s exactly what i plan to do! I’ve not allowed myself to enjoy anything to it’s fullest extent, simply because of feeling guilty for having been given so many good things that i cannot share with anyone else… But they are MINE, and i want them infused into every cell of my being! Clean air, Clean water, this incredible country, the abundance of anything your heart desires, the Freedom, the opportunities, the people in my life!!! i have an endless list…! just naming each thing is intoxicating!!! 🙂 And the irony of it all – that i should begin to see and enjoy the goodness that has been lavished on me, in the midst of one of the most stressful Years in the history of mankind! I feel slightly guilty about that – so many people suffering and me – getting drunk on my life!

JB got mad at me a few nights back. I unknowingly annoyed him. He had a short vacation just before the election. and now they’re at high alert where he works. Crazy insane hours again. The night i annoyed him, he’d already been at work for several hours and he had another 15 hrs to go! of course, i didn’t know all that, i was in a silly state of mind, from being drunk on my life. When i saw i’d annoyed him, i shut myself up, and sat down to write instead. I wrote to him. Not to send it to him, but, in my notebook, just to get things out of my system. I wasn’t upset that he’d gotten annoyed. Not even the slightest bit. So, i just wrote down all the good things that have come into my life through his presence in my life. And i ended up getting happier and happier. Having JB in my life is one of the most absolute best things of 2020! He hasn’t had time to figure out when to meet with me again. He messaged me more often when he was on his vacation and sent me pictures of all the places he was at, and bought me a souvenir from one of the places he visited, and i was SO happy that he was getting a break from work.

My son is in the hospital. He tried to take his life. And he tried again a second time AT the hospital! He’s coming home on Monday. He wants to go to the Ethiopia to spend some time with family there. I’m sending both the kids. I have just a few weeks to figure this out – they want to get there as soon as possible so they get to hang out with one of their cousins who will be leaving for Canada, just before Christmas. But, i cannot buy the tickets till i know what the situation is when he is discharged from the hospital!

My daughter and i are having amazing conversations! She’s following my lead and observing and noticing things about herself and her reactions. She is automatically questioning the things she observes and wonders what’s truly behind her reactions!! it’s awesome! We’ve also learning how to discuss topics that are hot buttons and we see things differently. She is able to continue a conversation with me even when there’s tears of frustration or annoyance in her eyes! She is still able to listen to my point of view and come up with an intelligent response that isn’t an emotional outburst! I love talking to her! I also love that she hasn’t changed her stance because of me, and isn’t upset that i haven’t changed mine. In fact, in one of the things that we discussed, she was actually able to state that she agreed with 98% of what i was saying! We disagreed on where the weight of the responsibility lay and therefore the changes we saw that needed to be made, where different. I think we’re both right. Sadly, they haven’t left us in charge of solving the bigger issues of 2020! I’m sure my daughter & I could change the world! or at least show people how to keep on loving and respecting each other, regardless of the differences between us – because our similarities are greater!

I say we’re all making a great deal of progress! And the year isn’t over yet!!

I’m so happy!! Thank you for being a part of my 2020!! you’ve been such a blessing!! And i love sharing the insanity of my life with you!! 🙂

~ vino.

ps – JB apologized for being cross with me, after about an hour of silence. He didn’t need to! i completely understood why he’d been annoyed… but he apologized anyway. I think i love him in a whole other way now. He brings so much happiness into my life! i honestly don’t know how he works such insane hours! He never told me the total number of hours he was working that night. He just does it. He’s like a beast of some sort. He can work through it all! i need a little bit of his beastiness in my own life. i couldn’t get out of bed this morning because of how exhausted my body was! He doesn’t cut himself any slack!

thanks for listening to me! love you guys!!!

[Vino]

Dear Heidi…

Your response has totally blown me away! I always knew, that silence is the best and most perfect response in some of the deepest moments we experience, but i have always felt that i could only express that silence in person. But your response… captured so beautifully, the sharing of a silent moment!! Thankyou! I will have to remember this so i can share a space of silence with those i can correspond with only in writing. Honor. Honoring someone, or anything about them… is such a powerful thing! I have to put that word on my wall!

I’ve been scribbling powerful words or phrases that i’m seriously attracted to – on whatever paper i have access to at the moment, and taping it on my wall by my bed. It’s kind of my ‘vision board’. I have never liked any of the ideas for vision boards out there. I love pictures… but for a vision board, strangely enough – i have felt that a picture is way too limited! Like a picture of a dream house… how on earth can anyone settle on a dream house?! Some months back… i realized that there’s some words that keep drawing me in, in a powerful way – words like REBUILD, RENEW, REJEVENATE, SILENCE and so forth… whenever i hear those words, they trigger emotions of grandeur and flood me with excitement, but they also create images… Like REBUILD – i see ruins, magnificent ruins… and i see them being restored. But in a way that doesn’t destroy the experience that they’ve been through… because… the ruins tell a story. And the old stones that have held on and refused to be destroyed… are a powerful testimony to their strength and faithfulness. They should never be replaced. They shouldn’t even be polished up! They have to be HONORED!!!! But they also have to be restored. So they can function again. So life can happen in them again. So they can gather more stories! All of these images… cannot be captured in a picture… so i put the word on my wall.

I have SILENCE on my wall. Lately… i’ve been craving SILENCE – as if it’s a pure, refreshing liquid that quenches my thirst. A very deep thirst, that can only be reached by silence. And i have pondered the thing that men do, that drives so many women crazy… their silence after moments of closeness… and i’ve begun to see it in a whole new way! I wonder if they are unconsciously honoring an experience through their silence?! I thought about that when i sat in silence last week, after JB left… it was the only way to soak in the afternoon… he needed to leave, and i needed to be silent!

Our correspondence during the week, has been spotty. It should’ve been completely non-existent, to keep extending the silence… but i kept getting excited about random stuff and needed to share with him. He wasn’t very responsive. And yesterday, i started to get annoyed. But… i knew what was happening. He still needed the silence. I sat myself down and asked myself what i really wanted from him… did i want to spend another afternoon with him again?? And i was surprised by my answer… NO! It’s too soon! Even as i write that right now, i am still surprised, but it is such a solid NO! IF he showed up, our time together would be strained!! I have no idea what this means! I’ve never experienced anything like this before!

At the same time… there’s another part of me that wants to see him again, hear his voice again, look at his face again… because it all feels like a dream and i want to make sure that it isn’t. I want to close my eyes and remember what he looks like and sounds like, but with wearing a mask most of the time because we were in the stores… i didn’t get enough time to soak in what he looks like. But… i did think how interesting it was that the masks we wore… forced us to look into each others’ eyes a lot more! 😀 When i drive by the stores we wandered in…. now they remind me of him! They’ve stopped being ordinary! Perhaps that’s why i don’t want to see him again so soon. His presence is still all around and i’m soaking it in… Plus, he bought me a book. And i had him sign my Bible, which i was given at Church last sunday. That’s proof that he was here. I see his name every time i open the Bible. I know…. i did this to myself. But, it’s his ‘fault’ i have that bible anyway, so even if his name wasn’t in it, he would be there.

Today, something unexpected happened…. we were talking about some of the upcoming rites around Easter – and our instructor told us we’d have to pick a ‘confirmation name’ – a saint who will be our patron saint. And i was immediately overwhelmed. When i was young, i wanted to change my name because it was uncommon and made me attract attention and i hated it when people misspelled or mispronounced it, and i also thought it didn’t sound very feminine, so i hated it. My dad told me i could change my name when i left home, so i’ve always looked for names that i’d rather have than my own. And at some point, i realized that no other name fits me anymore. lol 😀 When i joined the Orthodox church, same thing happened – i was supposed to pick a patron saint and i’d be known by her name in church. I never felt a connection to any of the female saints, and i was never happy with the one i finally settled for. I felt like i was ‘settling’. So… HAVING to pick a name for myself… super stressful!

Well…. i suddenly had a brilliant idea during class!!! I wondered if JB would be willing to pick a name for me! So, after church, i asked him… i’d already gotten attached to the idea by the time i asked him, and i was afraid he’d say no. But he agreed! And he’s already rolling names around in his head… he shared one with me, that is – oh, so delightful! and one i’ve never heard before! All the thoughts and feelings related to this are a bit much for me, and i feel no need to make small talk with him, so this week is going to be more silent than last week! I thought it was bad enough to have his name in my Bible. Now he’ll be attached to my name. But, deep inside me, i know i’ll never be happy with a name i pick for myself. and i know for a fact, i’ll love the name he picks for me. I have never felt any kind of attraction to any female name… but, last week… we talked about names. And we both felt like, if we’d been named something different, we’d be different! lol 😀 and then there was that weird moment when i felt his love for his last girlfriend. I know that’s a weird thought. a weird logic. but i felt love towards her, because of his love for her. i’m still puzzling that one out. not to figure out the why behind it… but just the fact that it was such a surprise to me. It makes me wonder if i even know who i am? But… i’m happy with these surprises! I’d rather love her, than not! And i’m glad i don’t have to work at loving her…! anyway – according to my ‘logic’ – if he loves a name, i’ll love it too. Plus, i’m really happy that i don’t have to think about it anymore! lol 😀

So, i signed up for a coaching class. Finally. the one thing missing in my life is a coach. Out of the blue, i got a phone call. Someone following up after i’d purchased an ebook last month – well – 6 wks back. I wasn’t sure at first, if it’s the right time to sign up for anything. I sign up for too many things. But the more i talked… the more i felt at ease. She had to call someone else in Australia before she could finish up with me… so she asked if i could talk some more in an hour or if she should call back on Monday. Well… she’d already dislodged me, so i was on a roll, and i told her Monday was too far away. In the time she talked to the other lady in Australia… i sold myself on the coaching program. lol 😀

Long story short – i signed up – my first meeting with my coach is tomorrow and i had to fill out a worksheet to introduce myself to her. That was difficult. But i loved the questions. They dug stuff up. And i was brutally honest. Especially about what i want to do for others… NOTHING! i don’t want to serve anyone else. I don’t care enough. Whenever i feel prompted to help someone – i go in with 200% intensity. I pour myself out and then, i need distance. I cannot do it again, for the same person, or anyone else till i have replenished my resources. And i haven’t yet mastered the art refilling myself consistently and reliably. So, i cannot give myself to anyone on a consistent basis.

AS selfish as it seems, it is what it is. I only care about me. I don’t even care about my kids more than myself. They are my next priority. JB is closely related to my wellbeing. for now. SO that’s a factor. I have to figure out the right place for him in my life. It’s very unstable right now. SO, after i sent in my intro, i continued to think about what my ‘goals’ might be. i was cooking breakfast… i’d run out of forks and i was flipping the bacon with chopsticks. i noticed that i was fully capable of using the chopsticks! But i had distinctly avoided learning how to use them – because when i met my mother-in-law for the first time – she made an innocent comment – she said i’d HAVE to learn to use chopsticks because i had married into a chinese family. I knew she wouldn’t force me to. But, an expectation is an expectation however loving or lighthearted it is! and every cell in me rebelled. I refused to use chopsticks except to stir things with, and i use them upside down for that, because the back end stirs better. But… last Sunday, JB used chopsticks… his last girlfriend was Japanese.

I thought about the fact that i truly like to learn new things. Learning to use chopsticks would’ve been on my list of cool things to learn. But i refused because it was expected of me. I suddenly wondered how many other things i’d refused subconsciously, simply because it was expected of me, and submitting to expectations is like willingly allowing myself to be trapped! every cell in me screams a very loud NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO at the slightest thought of submitting to an expectation!

So, i’ve been looking at myself in a whole new way for the last day or two – all those things i’ve rejected – were they originally my heart’s truest desires??!!! Femininity. Dressing like a girl. Walking like a girl. Cooking. Cleaning. Being a hostess and serving my guests and my family and my friends. comforting and caring and taking care of others. creating a home. How i long for a home. I don’t want anything… i just want a home. I want to sew. I want to crochet and knit. I’d be so happy, if all i had to do was make little blankets and hats and scarves for those who need them. Money has never been a motivating factor for me. In fact, the minute i start thinking of money, my stress increases. I noticed that when i was working at the store. The reason i quit was because i wasn’t making enough money to afford myself an apartment. i was upset with the miniscule raise. I was upset when i didn’t get enough hours. I was upset with the annoying clients and felt like i wasn’t being paid enough to put up with their ugly attitudes. I was upset with the job itself because it was a dead end job and tedious.

Then… i got a job that paid more and had benefits and that i had options of moving up in… but i couldn’t do it! it’s only perks were financial! i went back to the store and didn’t care about the money any more. When we found out our store was clsoing, i made myself available 24/7 and covered for anyone who couldn’t make it, if i was able. The last day at work, i showed up even though i wasn’t scheduled and i didn’t do it for the money. IN fact, the manager who was there had to manually enter my name in for the day, because i wouldn’t have gotten paid otherwise. I told him it didn’t matter if i wasn’t paid for the day. I just needed to be with the team for one last time. They were my home. There wasn’t anything that i didn’t have the energy or desire to do when i was with them! I could put up with any number of annoying customers and tedious hours. it’s like i was being constantly refilled. and i was overflowing every day.

that’s what i need. a home. why can’t i make myself a home? how do i make myself a home? i wish i didn’t have to think about money at all. my mom – had my dad. she was free to create a home. She was and still is, a phenomenal hostess. She thrives on taking care of others. But dad created that space for her – although she also worked and earned money and they worked together to budget and make ends meet… there was something that dad created that only he could. He had the primary responsibility for the big stuff that family needed.

well… i don’t have that… so i have to provide for myself whatever dad provided so i can be free to be me… how on earth do i manage that? my coach has her work cut out for her. lol 😀

but… all those things i rejected while growing up… i wonder if that’s where i’ll find my heart and my freedom – when i embrace them! i’m sure the thought has crossed my mind before… but not at such a level. there was something i heard on a John Gray video on youtube – he said – if you’re a woman with a more masculine side – don’t lose that, because that’s a beautiful part of who you are too. I found that to be encouraging. So, i don’t have to become exactly like my mother… when i start embracing the things that make her an amazing woman. I’ll be slightly masculine. 🙂

~ vino

sorry… this got way longer than i thought it would! lol 🙂

[Vino]

Hey Heidi & Kanya!

it’s been a month!! i can’t tell you what’s been going on, because i don’t remember most of it! lol 😀 But, it’s been a rough month. More downs than ups. More resettling of the foundations, after struggling with doubts and questions. My focus in the last two weeks was my decision to join the Catholic church. I needed to know i wasn’t doing it because of JB. My spiritual life is such a personal and private area. It has to be solid and reliable regardless of who is in my life or isn’t. So… i needed to make sure, it was solid without JB.

Yesterday, i was officially welcomed into the Catholic church by the Rite of Welcome. I had to share why i wanted to join the church… but i had to do it one sentence!!! That gave me the biggest headache, because…. how could i? It has been months and months of unexpected things that lead up to it… which part mattered the most? How do you condense all that into one desire? It was quite upsetting. On Tuesday night, i went to the church for a service and afterwards, sat in the parking lot for over an hour texting JB. He told me, if i had doubts, i should back out now. Then he asked me a bunch of questions and i as i sought to answer him accurately, i could see what was true and what wasn’t, and what i was truly struggling with. The next day, the fog began to clear and i was able to condense my story down to a minute. Still too long – because it was 4 or 5 sentences….

But, one of the things that had cleared in my head, was JB’s role in my joining the Church. When he told me i should back out now… i knew he wasn’t attached to my conversion from his side. So, it clarified in my head, that HE wasn’t doing anything to affect my decision. IF i felt like he had something to do with it, it was entirely my own fault. So… his role was to simply to bring something to my attention… and it was up to me to decide what i wanted to do about it. I took my questions and doubts directly to God after that… you see… of all the reasons that JB said he couldn’t have a relationship with me… there was only ONE that couldn’t be changed – my religion. Not in a million years, had i envisioned myself joining the Catholic Church. I wasn’t interested in their theology, and i wasn’t interested in their traditions. I knew, without a doubt, that when i was ready to return to the church, it would be to the orthodox church. This year, wasn’t supposed to be the year that i got back in touch with the church. I wasn’t done exploring the world-without-the-church. So, why was i being drawn in? against my will it seemed?! and yet… i felt no pressure. I told God, it wasn’t fair that he’d get JB involved in such a personal part of my life, because now, i’d never be able to forget him! I hadn’t prayed for 6 yrs. And suddenly i was praying again. And i was finding peace through the prayers and the church services! That wasn’t supposed to happen!!! That means, good things were coming into my life because of JB and i couldn’t be unhappy about his presence in my life! So, i found myself thanking God for him everyday! UGH! So, i completely blame God for this whole thing, although nobody is forcing me to do anything!

Three weeks back, JB & I got into another of our misunderstandings and i stressed him out in trying to work it out. So, when i asked him if he’d be able to come to the church for the Welcome Rite, i didn’t expect he would want to. But he did. He said he’d come if he could. Then, i thought to myself… what if he DID show up?! How would it work out to meet for the very first time, at church, with a hundred other people around?! Crazy! I wanted to to ask him if we could meet for a little bit before we met at church, so we could get awkwardnesses out of the way. But i didn’t ask him. I decided i’d go with what he was feeling… if he felt comfortable with it, i’d just rely on his comfort and forget my own awkwardness.

So… yesterday… at church – my feelings went numb, because there was too much going on and i was surrounded by strangers. My ‘purpose statement’ had condensed itself down to one sentence on Friday night, and i had wanted to write it down, but i didn’t. It had burned itself into my heart. I understood why they insisted on condensing it down so much. All the supporting fluff was gone, and i was left with one thing to day – my true desire. I wanted to learn to surrender myself to God, through the church. There’s one thing that happens in the catholic church that doesn’t happen anywhere else. Annulments of marriages. Even the orthodox church doesn’t do it! And that was the biggest hurdle for me to cross, while deciding if i should join or not, because it was painful. It caused me to think about things i didn’t want to think about! And i had decided, if the annulment doesn’t go through, i wouldn’t go to church – because the annulment was more important to me, than church was. However – i started to see how i’ve never trusted God with the details of my inner life – my entire life! And there’s always been a part of me that has wanted to completely surrender my heart to him. I never did, because i was afraid that if i did, he wouldn’t value the desires of my heart – which are completely selfish. Actually, there’s only one desire in my heart and it is purely selfish. I want to be loved by a man and be able to love a man back, with my whole being. Nothing about God or others in that desire. Nothing about my children either!

I’m so tired of carrying that desire in me. I haven’t been able to make it happen on my own! So, i’ve surrendered it to him. And in doing so, i’ve submitted myself to the way the church works. It doesn’t matter to me anymore, if the annulment comes through or not. I have no idea how that stopped mattering, because it was causing me so much pain! I also thought it was really interesting that none of this had anything to do with JB!!! And also… how helpful it has been to focus on these matters, for the simple fact that i’ve never met him face to face before! I was able to work through all these, because i had no reference point of what it feels like to be in his presence.

JB came to church yesterday. Surrounded by strangers, participating in a service i’d never witnessed before, being far more dressed up than i’ve ever been … in the sea of all that newness… when i saw JB… he was the only thing that felt familiar. There was no awkwardness. There was no sensation of ‘meeting for the first time’. He was just there… like he said he’d be. And we spent the rest of the day together. Five and a half hours! We were going to go wander through some stores, but he asked me if i was hungry. I wasn’t sure at first. That’s how disconnected i was from my body. I told him i’d had an apple that morning, and he said it was important that i should eat, so if i was hungry, we’d get breakfast at the diner, and not just a coffee… So, i sat silently in his car for a while and thought about breakfast vs coffee. I didn’t at all feel uncomfortable for sitting in silence and focusing on the condition of my belly! lol 😀

We had breakfast at the diner. Then we wandered through the petco. We talked about animals. Then we went to barnes & nobles. TONS of stuff to talk about there! There was a table laid out with Christmas cards and we talked about which one we’d buy and why. I loved the lack of pressure of trying to think of things to talk about, because we’ve already talked about SO Much stuff. i had wondered if we’d run out of things to say already. But, we hadn’t. We talked little things and big things and everything in between. Seamlessly. And when there was nothing to say, the silence was just as comfortable. He bought me a book. Then we went to starbucks and had his favorite coffee.

Then, he wanted to drive around and see what other shops there were in the area. I mentioned that we’d lived in a mobile home in the area and he said he hadn’t seen one before. I asked him if he wanted to see it, and tried to direct him to it, and lost my way. lol 😀 I was surprised that i wasn’t embarrassed! He decided we’d go back, and when i recognized the name of one of the streets… he was willing to give my foggy mental gps another chance! And we did find it the second time. Then we stopped at another mall and walked around and talked about more stuff, and had some sushi and then he dropped me off at home. When i got home, i sat down and just allowed all the feelings to surface. I sat in silence for 40 whole minutes! i didn’t want to read, or listen to music or do anything… there was just such a fabulous silence all around that i needed to soak up. I didn’t feel the need to write to him either. I was just so full and so deeply satisfied!!!

i think i spent the whole time with him, just absorbing information. Bits and pieces are coming up. He shared with me about his last girlfriend – the one whom he dated the longest and truly did love – and he didn’t want to talk about her some months back. As he talked about her, i was surprised by what i felt towards her – i felt like she was my sister!! Not just any sister – but a sister that i loved!!!

Anyway… i woke up with so much gladness in my heart. i sort of don’t want to deal with the realities of life though! like thinking about how on earth i’m going to get quarters to do my laundry when the bank is out of quarters?! ugh!

~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

would you believe i started writing to you 3 days ago??!!

My face has been healing from a stupid thing – i tumbled onto the wood frame of the mat while rolling in the BJJ class, and caught myself with my face. I had a small bruise just below my right eye – mostly on the cheekbone. It was cool. Coach took pictures and shared it with the whole class and everyone congratulated me on officially becoming a savage. lol 😀 But, i went home that night and found an iodine tincture in my medicine box and wondered if it would speed up the healing of the bruise. It burned like hell… but then, aren’t antiseptic things supposed to burn? Well… it’s taken a week for the swelling and rash to disappear. I guess i was allergic to the damn iodine! The bruise itself healed in 2 days. I almost went to the doctor on Friday, and thought i’d give it one more day to see if it showed signs of getting better without steroids. Thankfully, on Saturday, i could literally feel the swelling draining away on the inside. All the hardness disappeared and i didn’t look like i had a tooth abcess. It ruined my weekend plans with the kids though 🙁

Anyway. Two days back, i was feeling very down. I’m not sure what triggered it. Cried in the shower for over an hour. I was reminded of how much i hate and despise the marriage i was in. And how hard i’ve been working to cut off all connections to it, in kind of a frenzy, because a part of me wants to deny that it ever happened. My plan is to use up all the money i got from the divorce. It wasn’t much. If i’m reckless, it will be gone in a flash. If i use it for big expenses like rent and bills, and other necessities, i’ll last 2 yrs without working. As long as i don’t have emergencies! I wouldn’t have accepted an alimony if i’d been working a fulltime job. Now, it just creates this net for me, so i’m in no rush to start looking for a job.

Instead, i’m spending, as if i already have a job. I think i deserve new clothes. I have clothes that are 20 yrs old! Last winter, i was going to buy a good winter coat, that wasn’t on the clearance rack. But i didn’t find one that i fell in love with. I was so disappointed. I want to buy things that make my heart sing, and that will make me feel good when i wear them! Regardless of the price tag. I’ve always skimped on clothing for myself. I always made do. I always looked for what was on sale or what was the cheapest of what wasn’t on sale. I wore my bras till they disintegrated. I think i deserve better.

I bought perfumes!!! omg! They came in the mail 2 days ago, and they’re making me so happy! I’ve never bought any perfume before. I always thought it was an extravagance. BUT… every single time i caught a whiff of a delightful perfume on some lady, i’d wish i could smell as good as she did. I just got samples this time round, because i didn’t know how to choose one i liked. However, it’s going to be harder to choose now! lol 😀 I love every one of the scents!!! i got them from sage goddess. they make me feel so good!!!!

On Sunday night, the swelling in my face had gone down enough so i could use both eyes. My daughter and i sat together, listened to music and cross-stitched for about 5 hrs. When i woke up on Monday morning, i didn’t want to do want to do anything but cross-stitch some more. I set my timer for 30 min. Cross-stitched with no guilt. then cleaned up a section of the kitchen. Took another 30 min break with my cross-stitch. and worked some more. I got a lot done, while indulging myself of a guilty pleasure. Today was different. I don’t feel like cross-stitching AT ALL! My body feels too restless. I’m able to sit long enough to write. But… i can’t settle down enough to enjoy cross-stitching. When i considered how i have time to observe the minute changes in my body each day, i feel deeply privileged. If i have to rush off to work every day, even a part-time job… my day’s focus will be the job. Now, my focus is ME!! This has never happened before. I feel guilty indulging in this gift of time. I feel like i should be using this time ‘wisely’ to get myself together and figure out a reliable source of income before i run out of my ‘blood money’.

Anyway… that’s where i’m at! I have a LOT to say in regards to your last message (which you probably guessed…. lol 😀 )

I need to gather my thoughts.

~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi,

i agree that ‘feminine energy’ is a huge topic. But – i sincerely want to know what you have understood about what i believe about women. I have said over and over, that i no longer have any resentments towards the women who have hurt me and shared many examples of how i treat women now. I would like to know what it is that i have communicated that sounds to you like: ” but it seems you are quite set in wanting to believe what you believe about women”.

Please, pull apart what it is that you see about what i believe about women. Yes, i am set in much of what i believe, but that is only because i feel like i have arrived at a logical conclusion based on my experiences and my growth. But, no matter what i say, the feedback that i get from you is that my thoughts about women are negative. Point that out to me. And contrast it for me with what YOU believe, and what your beliefs are based on.

I can’t shelf the topic of women. I am a woman. And i like myself. I also wouldn’t have ANY female friends at all, IF i’m as hostile towards women as you seem to think i am. So, i truly want to know how you see me/ what you have learned about me. I have been completely open and honest in my communications, with no hidden thoughts and ideas for you to guess. If i haven’t explained myself clearly, i am completely willing to clarify.

~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

Lots of awesome stuff i’d like to respond to! Thanks!

“First, why does it have to be either/or? It wouldn’t need to be being friends with a man instead of a woman. It’s about being freinds with EVERYONE.”

For me, it’s a degree of satisfaction. It’s not exactly either/or, because i do make friends with everyone. But, my interactions with men are far more satisfying. For example – when my dad complimented my artwork or writing or anything else, it was far more satisfying than when my mother complimented me for the same thing. I had a blog for a while, and i made a whole bunch of good friends. But there was one man, who enjoyed my writings and gave me feedback, in a way that was far more satisfying than the feedback from the women or even other men. It got to the point were if i didn’t get feedback from him, i felt like my post hadn’t been truly seen. So, although i valued the feedback from the others, i valued his more. And that feeling spills into relationships – if i have a good male friend, i feel no need to seek friendship with a woman.

” You are not a victim Vino. Blaming other women for your hurt is the story you CHOOSE to hold onto. These women were just being human – no different than you. You have caused a lot of hurt and pain towards others as well. It’s a part of life.”

I agree – i am not a victim. I”m curious – What is it that i have said that comes across like a victim? I have taken ownership of my wounds and my healing. Being a victim and blaming someone else, is choosing to remain wounded and using your wounds as an excuse to remain weak and continuing to fail.

Stating that i have been wounded by women is not a story i have made up, it is simply a fact. Just as you stated that you too have been wounded by women. There is a consistent pattern here. You and I aren’t the only ones who’ve been wounded worse by women than by men! I have come across COUNTLESS women (And Men) – who’ve been wounded more by women than by men. So, there is no bitterness or anger or resentment in my statements regarding the wounds caused by women. It is simply a fact.

It is something that i have been trying to puzzle out, especially in the light of feminine and masculine energies. My conclusion is – just as there is ‘toxic masculinity’ there is also ‘toxic femininity’. and it is that toxic femininity that goes around creating wounds in people. I have not rejected femininity. I do want to embrace it. However, i want to be sure that i do not embrace toxic femininity along with the non-toxic, healthy femininity. there are very few role models for healthy femininity!

In fact – the women who are admired the most, are the ones who used their masculine energies the most! The ones who fought for justice and equality. The ones who broke the limitations placed on women and became the first female pilot or CEO or whatever else. Which women has been admired for being the best mother? Or the best wife? Or the best sister? Or the best friend?

So – i’m an not rejecting women or feminine energies. I am rejecting toxic feminine energies and women who are full of them. And i am rejecting the growth of that toxicity in me as well, because i do not want to hurt others in the ways i have been hurt. The cycle ends with me. I won’t be able to root out ALL toxicity in me… but whatever i am aware of, i will work on getting rid of!

Judging something, isn’t the same as being judgmental. I can say i was hurt by this woman, without ripping her up. Like what i said about my psychiatrist – i was aware of professional/personal boundaries being crossed, but i would still recommend her to others, because she truly is a good doctor! I could go back to her myself, and i will know how to work around the boundary issue and still allow myself to be helped by her. The woman who betrayed me – i will never be friends with her – but, i know full well that she is also a good woman and she has been a great friend to many. Just not me. And that’s fine. I can’t be a friend to everyone either!

I’m still curious to know what it is that you see as my rejection of women, and therefore myself. I do approach women with less trust and more caution. But i haven’t cut them out of my life completely. I do enjoy my female friendships. I just haven’t been AS satisfied with them. They don’t ‘hit the spot’. And that is just a neutral observation, not a negative one against women. It’s like saying i like oranges more than apples. I spent an hour and a half talking to a friend from the past yesterday. He was my junior in nursing school. when i was done talking to him, just catching up on the last 20 yrs of our lives – i hung up and felt like i was filled up with such a deep, deep, happiness. It was so deep that it knocked out all thoughts of JB. I’m not sure what happened and why. I just noticed that it did. What did i get from him that i haven’t gotten from anyone else?

The kind of friend that i want to be – is the one that satisfies. Some qualities are neither male nor female. Like Kindness. And Arrogance. You cannot make friends with an arrogant person, whether they are male or female. But you can trust a kind person, whether they are male or female. Male Kindness has a different ‘texture’ and feel, than female kindness. Any kindness that i show, is automatically female, because my basic nature is female. I believe these are the qualities that create the foundation of all energies – they are basically neutral. But when they flow through our different bodies, they get ‘colored’ by our personalities, by our character, and by our biology as well.

I know i have not rejected myself, because i wouldn’t care what kind of a person i am otherwise. And the kind of person i want to be isn’t for the satisfaction of anyone else, but for me first! The reason i have to do right by others and not hurt them, isn’t because of them, but because i will not allow myself to sleep at night, if i have hurt someone else! I am the only one i need to satisfy, because i know what’s true and what isn’t within myself. When i can be raw and honest with myself, i can relate to others from a place of authenticity. So, i can say in all honesty that i have not rejected myself. There are false beliefs in me that i need to reject, but that isn’t the same as rejecting myself. There are toxic energies in me that i need to reject, but that isn’t the same as rejecting myself either. There are also a lot of good things in me, and i have to recognize that as well, and not lose that, in my eagerness to get rid of false beliefs and toxicity. So, when i find a good thing in me, i will guard it. Even if it looks like resistance and stubbornness on the outside. the thing that i hold on to may even be a male energy! i do not know!!! it’s usually an opinion, or a point of view. but it will be something that i value greatly, and i would be living a lie if i rejected it, in order to fit someone else’s pattern.

i don’t know how much sense i’m making. the pictures in my head are a lot clearer than my words.

~ vino

[Vino]

Heidi… you unlocked a pandora’s box!

“You could have completely different experiences with women if you wanted to!”

These words have been ringing in my head for the past few hours. And finally, while cleaning the sink, i asked myself: “What kind of a relationship DO i want with women?” And my answer was very clear – I don’t.

Every single situation in my past, when i made friends with a girl or a woman, it was simply because it was inappropriate for me to make friends with a boy or a man at the time. I’ve never sought out a relationship with a woman because i wanted to. It was simply because i had no choice. Given the choice, i would’ve chosen the boys and the men – every – single – time!

When i hit puberty, my mom told me i was too old to play with boys now. I guess it was her way of making sure i didn’t get pregnant out of wedlock. In school, i sat with the girls, because that’s what was expected. I played with the girls, i hung out with the girls, and shared stories with the girls. But ALL the time, i longed to play with the boys. I was glad when our class grew closer, and we all ended up being like one big team, and the guys included us in their games.

When we visited relatives in India, i preferred to hang out with my male cousins, and used any excuse i could find to be able to spend time with them. But, i always felt like i was doing something wrong, like i was expected to be enjoying the company of the girls. So, when we visited distant family or friends – i stayed away from men and boys like they were plague. I figured, the leniency i was given within the family, wouldn’t extend to outside the family.

When i grew up and got married, i knew it would trigger gossip if i enjoyed the company of other men, married or single. So i hung out only with the women. Same at work – i couldn’t hang out with the men, unless we were working on the same project together, or in the same department. That’s why my last few months at work were so satisfying. I was no longer working at the registers. I was stocking shelves. I could enjoy working with the men.

Well, that’s all i’ve got for today. Bottom line is – I can’t think of a single good reason to be friends with a woman, if i could be friends with a man instead. So, basically, i don’t care for ‘completely different experiences with women’. i see no value in it. none at all. absolutely nothing. if i had been born a boy and therefore free to build relationships with men, i wouldn’t have gone to any trouble to get to know a woman at all. (that is, if everything about me remained the same except for my gender). It takes too much effort and work to be friends with a woman. All that, for what?

~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi! Thanks for all the time you spend, responding to me! i truly appreciate it!

“A healthy person has a LOW PAIN TOLERANCE!!! A healthy person has no interest in suffering any longer than they have to and will constantly seek help and support from others to help them clear and collapse the emotional weight they are carrying. Yes, you can do a lot on your own and yes, you should! AND…why wait until you collapse to reach out for guidance??”

I don’t claim to be healthy. I am also not completely unhealthy. I believe this is the way you see things. I see it differently, and it may or may not be healthy. I may change the way i see things later on, and see it more the way you do at some point. The way i see it now – i would be devaluing myself, my experiences, and the things that i have learned, if i do not put them into practice whenever i come to a place of suffering. How else can i test what i have learned? Running to someone for help every time something hurts is a very unattractive thought to me.

Also – i like solving puzzles and i feel cheated if someone gives me the answers when i feel like i am close to figuring it out myself. It takes the joy out of learning. I like to learn. There are things i cannot learn on my own. Like Anatomy. So i rely on the knowledge of others to learn such things. But psychology is a different thing – i use other people’s knowledge as a reference, not as an absolute authority. So i take a piece of knowledge and test it on myself. I don’t discount something if it doesn’t ‘work’. We are changing and growing constantly, so something that seems like utter nonsense to me right now, may make more sense in 2 yrs.

Why wait till i collapse till i ask for help? This could be my pride. I don’t feel like i have tried hard enough if i don’t hit the wall. And if i don’t try hard enough, i feel like i’m a wimp. I understand that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. And i do ask for help a lot more now, than i ever used to before. However, i need to do the bulk of the work on my own, even if i’m not doing it right, or else i cannot own it, and i don’t feel like it’s truly mine, and i feel like i’m just following somebody else’s directions. that’s why i cannot sign up for a healing coaching session that requires you to commit for a certain period of time. I cannot follow anyone for a minute longer than the moment they get me unstuck. In fact, once i’m unstuck, any help i get from them feels very intrusive and annoying. Makes no difference if the coach is male or female. I actually noticed this happening with a male coach. I only found the first week and the first module helpful. The Second one was good, but not as good as the first. The third got annoying, and the fourth, i couldn’t participate in at all. By the time the course ended, i found the coach to be so annoying that i couldn’t even tolerate the sight of his name. I’d just had too much. It’s like gorging yourself on cheesecake. You aren’t supposed to eat the whole thing in one sitting! A small bite is enough!

Also – i need a variety of teachers. Everyone sees things slightly differently, even if it’s the same matter. And i need to see an issue from every possible angle, including that of women. I do not believe i have no respect for women. I do. I don’t have an emotional attachment to women. I am able to form emotional attachments to men. So i need to be careful of the kind of men i interact with. When i was in need of a psychiatrist, i specifically searched for a woman. I knew i’d be able to maintain the necessary distance in order to benefit from her help. For this reason, she needed to be skilled and good at what she did, and not so full of herself that she wouldn’t trust my feedback and respect my questions. I’ve had negative experiences with female doctors. Two other times i needed the help of a doctor, they were women, and they were quite annoyed at all the questions i asked. They thought i was being disrespectful. But – was I? I’m the one living with my body, i cannot blindly follow someone just because they have a degree in something. If they lack respect for the person they are working with, their expertise is useless to me.

“I personally want to get through my own patterns as fast as possible. I don’t want to waste any more time than I have to, dealing with wounds from my past and the programs that live in me.”

I think this is the natural progression of healing. My patterns may remain the same, but i get through them much faster. The time that i needed my psychiatrist, it took me three years to get strong enough to be on my own. I needed medication and therapy during that time. My goal was to not depend on meds. I worked on building coping mechanisms and skills and observing myself to learn my patterns, while i was under her care. I was able to observe the shifting of my mental and emotional energies and prepare for them ahead of time, so my lows didn’t get as low and painful. Soon, it because second nature, so i never hit that low again – till earlier this year, when JB virtually ‘broke up’ with me. I believe this was a new kind of low for me, because i had no defenses against it. HOWEVER! It didn’t take me 3 years to recover from it! It took me TWO WEEKS! Two weeks for the intensity of the pain to wear off and Two more weeks for me to stabilize. That’s an incredibly speedy recovery compared to my 3 years from the last low!

And when i hit the next one that rips me to the foundation – i have an additional nugget of truth to take with me – i AM resilient! i WILL recover, no matter how intense the pain. The next cycle will be shorter.

“If you carry an energy code that women cannot be trusted and women will not value me, then those are the exact experiences that will come into your life. Our “codes” are like magnets. What if you changed that code? You could have completely different experiences with women if you wanted to!”

I give everyone a fair chance to prove themselves. I go into all new relationships in a relatively detached manner. I need proof that someone can be trusted. I have ‘gut knowledge’ that i have ignored before in an effort to be ‘non-judgmental’ and i have suffered gravely for it. I am not going to ignore my gut anymore. I have made many good female friends at work. I enjoy their company and i do trust them. But my emotional attachment to them is weak. So, lack of trust or lack of respect isn’t at the root of my lack of emotional ties with women. I honestly don’t feel the need to bond with a woman on an emotional level. I don’t even know what that looks like. Is it being able to share secrets with each other? vulnerability maybe? no… it feels too dangerous to be vulnerable with a woman. In all my honesty and openness in my communications with you, i have still maintained control. I don’t know if i can go to a place where i have no control, with a woman. It’s just SO MUCH less scarier with a man! have you ever wondered why there are so many male relationship coaches??!!! That has always surprised me. And the bulk of their clients are women!

“So it sounds like you are following in the footsteps of your mother of only being open to respecting men and not women.”

I wondered the same thing as i wrote that statement. Mom doesn’t not have respect for women. She connects to women from a place of emotions. So her female relationships are strong and intimate. She has no issues relying on other women for support – mental, emotional or physical. The kind of respect that she shows to men is screwed up. She lucked out with dad, because he treated women with the highest regard in general, and he totally loved and respected mom. But her idea of respect is being a doormat. No questions asked, just be obedient kind of respect. Fortunately, she learned from Dad what a true gentleman is supposed to be like, so she doesn’t stand for disrespectful behavior from the men in the family anymore.

I don’t believe that showing respect to men (or women) means allowing your own boundaries to be crossed. I’ve stood up for others, and i eventually learned how to stand up for myself too, even with men. I have been fortunate in that pretty much all the men i’ve known, have never felt threatened or disrespected when i have asked questions. I still marvel at my idiocy in marrying the one man who was the opposite of all the other men in my life! But, i thought all of my negative gut reactions to him were judgmental, and i beat myself up for it, because i wasn’t supposed to be judgmental… Well. guess what? I matter. so, if i need to be judgmental in order to protect myself, i will be. i am under no obligation to make someone else feel good at the cost of my own safety and peace.

I believe you and I are saying similar things regarding Love & Respect. Love is a connection that you form through emotions and Respect isn’t emotional at all. It is more mental – a recognition of the value, or place or expertise of someone else. You can respect someone even if you hate them. I don’t see how you can love someone if you don’t respect them. I find respect to be fundamental to my relationship to everyone. It’s my way of acknowledging the value of a person, and i am able to listen to them and even be friendly towards them, even if we have absolutely nothing in common. For Love to happen, there has to be some kind of commonality and shared values.

~ vino

[Vino]

PS – i am not at all sorry for the challenges i grew up with. They’ve shaped me into the person i am today, and i truly am happy with who i am today, wounds and all. And yes, it’s hard at times, but i’ve had so much help and I’ve met so many incredible people, and i’ve learned so many awesome things and my world continues to open up in amazing ways, that i sincerely wouldn’t change a thing in my past, even if it is something that continues to cause me pain now!

[Author]

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