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sorry for all the typos. I thought i’d caught them all, but i see i was too excited. I guess i’ll hire myself a personal proofreader too, when i’m a billionaire. I can’t believe the number of people who are going to benefit from my riches! I have a LOT of work for people to do!
Anyway, i was at the store earlier, and something popped into my mind that i had to share with you! The word Abundant. You said you like it better than Rich. I remembered something that happened when i was a teenager — i got a hold of a bible-study booklet and it said on it: Abundant Life. I fell in love with that phrase, especially the word Abundant. It’s a really good word! It has a feeling of bounciness in it, and it’s full of happiness. 🙂 I don’t remember the bible study, i just remember i wrote down that i want an Abundant life.
Some of things that have been happening in my life — they are fulfillments of the desires i had as a child! For example – i wanted a different name, because i didn’t like my name. I eventually grew into it, and now i like it, BUT — God gave me an opportunity to change my name – not once, but TWICE! Once, when i joined the orthodox church, i was supposed to find myself a patron saint and take her name. I didn’t feel any connection with any female saint, and it was way too stressful, so i settled for Mary of Egypt, because her feast day is celebrated around my birthday. Then, i had to do the same thing when i joined the Catholic church! I decided to outsource this source of stress to JB. He gave me 3 names to choose from, and i picked Helena. After i picked her, i read up on her and found out that she’s the patron saint of divorced people, (and also archeologists and people who like to dig for deeper meaning). So, after reading about her, i just sat there speechless and wondered why God cares about such tiny, minute details of my life? Sure, they matter to me, because they affect me directly — but it doesn’t affect anyone else does it? IT certainly doesn’t affect my soul. But, it was when i picked Helena and saw how it was a perfect fit, that i remembered my desire to change my name and even though it had stopped mattering to me, God still remembered, because the Child that wanted a different name was speaking from her heart, there was something about ‘Vinodha’ that was hurting her, and He remembered her pain, even though she had long since forgotten.
~~ vino
lol 🙂 Heidi! i had an awesome morning! So — some days back, i asked God to show me what ‘GRATITUDE’ FEELS like, in my body. Just like Hot and Cold and Afraid – i wanted to know what Gratitude feels like. I can’t put it into words, but it did a number on my thoughts. I was just minding my own business, enjoying my breakfast, and suddenly, JB came to mind and i felt So, So, SOOOOOO happy to have him in my life, and i had a flash-vision of all the things that brought me to this time and space in which he is a part of my life. I saw how every little thing in my life, both good and bad, caused me to draw towards some things and run away from other things, narrowing down my possibilities with each passing decision and choice and also external happenings, until i am at this place – a place that is SO PERFECT, because all the right people are in it. And i found myself being grateful for the pain in my life, because that is what moved me the furthest and most consistently. So, i wrote down his name in my notebook – the ex’s name – and thanked God for bringing him into my life.
Anyway — sometime last year, i signed up for a course that was advertised through this site — it was a course by Stacie Overman. I tend to trust things recommended by James Bauer, so, i signed up for it. And her specialty is to help you package what you’ve learned, into a neat little course, so you can share with others the steps you took to get from wherever you were, to where you are now. Well… i remained connected to her through FB and although i signed up for one of her courses, she had to stop it soon after it started because she didn’t have enough people sign up. She offered me her spiritual development course, and i was totally against it. Which is interesting, because she’s Christian too, but i like to do my own spiritual wrestling and am not open to being guided by anyone else. I mean, if God is my father, why should i learn to communicate with him through someone else’s ideas? i’d rather hash it out with God myself, in my own personal style! All that to say — after i wrote to you last night — i too started to wonder if it’s time to revisit with Stacie and learn from her, how to share my boxes with other people.
SOMETHING else happened before i revisited Stacie’s course. Last year, when i was getting to know her, i was telling her how difficult it was for me to think of putting a price on the things i’ve learned, because i got them for free through my friends and other random people in my life. So, how could i turn around and sell what i got for free? it didn’t feel right to me. Well — two days back, while i was in church, one thought led to another, and suddenly i remembered the story of Joseph in Egypt – how the Pharaoh gave him full power in the nation, and for 3 1/2 yrs, Joseph built store houses and gathered the extra crops and when the famine came, there was enough food, not just for people in Egypt, but all neighboring folks too, who could make it there. Now, this is one of my all time favorite stories, because i think Joseph is simply the COOOLEST man on the planet, but for the first time — i noticed something. He DIDN’t Give away the grain for free!!!! The people were starving to death, but they still paid for what they got till they had traded away all their possessions, including their land, to stay alive! Joseph didn’t start feeling sorry for them at any point and turn his service into a charity! Anyway. That just blew my mind. Completely blew my mind.
why can’t God source you or anyone even through “polluted” sources? He can, there isn’t anything He can’t do. But i don’t want it. Why should i not be picky about my source? Why shouldn’t my desires and feelings matter? IF i think okra is too slimy and icky to eat, why should i not get the okra nutrients from broccoli? God doesn’t deliberately give us polluted things. Sometimes, that’s all that’s available and you have to take it. But, i see no reason to hold on to it.
The truth is, first and foremost, it’s our job to look at the stories we are creating around something. If something is “polluted” I guarantee you can find MANY people who look at the same situation and not call it polluted. It’s all about perspective, right? And even if your perspective is that it’s polluted (i.e. alimony from your ex) whose to say that it was not a source from God? Why not? Wouldn’t you say that might be putting a limitation on what God does in our lives and how we are provided for?I agree – we are responsible for examining the stories we find ourselves in. And for me — a source is polluted when there is someone being taken advantage of or being forced to provide against their will. Why should someone else be burdened in order for my needs to be met? I agree too, that what is ‘polluted’ or not is a matter of perspective. I try to look at things from the pov of the giver too, and ask how I’d feel if i was in his place. To me, Alimony laws, in general are polluted, because men are grossly taken advantage of in them. I agree with child support. But Alimony? There are some men who are stuck in a lifetime alimony. FOR WHAT REASON?! i can see how it could be necessary till the woman gets on her own two feet and mine was like that – it was limited to 7 yrs. BUT. When i flipped it, and put myself in his situation, i wasn’t happy to be forced to share my money with someone for 7 yrs. What was i getting in return?
Am I limiting God by being picky about my source? Maybe. i don’t know for sure. I’m just being true to what i’m feeling in my body, and some sources feel good and others don’t. So, i just tell God, this doesn’t feel good, i’d rather have a different source. So then, it’s in His hands – he can change my source or keep it the same. When i told the ex i wanted to end the alimony, (i took 25% of what he would’ve owed me in a lump sum), he had the choice to refuse my offer. If he hadn’t agreed to the 25%, i would’ve still told him to not send me any more money. And if he continued to send me checks after that, after guilt or whatever, then i would’ve taken it, because i had cleared it from my side. That was my plan going into the discussions. So, he said he’d do some research to make sure he wouldn’t get in trouble, and he satisfied himself, and settled for the lump sum.
During that time, i experienced such a massive relief, when i got rid of his alimony. And i realized that i had actually come to rely upon those paltry checks and count them as part of my budget. As long as i was picking up pennies from the street, i wouldn’t have time to look up and take the whole bag full of pennies in my Father’s hand! I felt like ‘i’ was being limited in some way, by leaning on that check which wasn’t even enough to cover my rent each month. It’s like trying to wear a dress that’s too small. Sometimes, you just have to give away what doesn’t fit, even if it’s still in good condition.
What if i saw a source of income as a ‘fish in the sea’ 🙂 why should i hold on to one that doesn’t make me feel good? almost EVERY relationship/dating advice i’ve come across in the past two years, says i shouldn’t put up with a man who doesn’t meet my needs. That i should have a mindset of abundance, that there are THOUSANDS of men to choose from. Well, that’s a blatant lie. Isn’t it more accurate to say there are THOUSANDS of sources of income lining up for me, than men? Also – i don’t need an abundance of men, i need an abundance of money, and ONE good man! lol 🙂 Anyway – this is how my brain sees things. Does it still seem limiting to you?
I really wrestled with these questions personally in my 20s. My father was my main source of income while I worked on getting through graduate school etc. It was INCREDIBLY difficult because it tied me to him and it gave him power in my life that felt so toxic…hence I chose to work on my perspective about being provided for, my perspective about my dad and my view of God “providing” for me. It was really interesting what came through for me as I went down the rabbit hole of all my stories…even the story I had about God and how this energy interacted with me. Just something to think about.
I’m curious to know what your perspectives were about being provided for AND what they are now! What was the energy that you had behind being provided for? And how did it connect with God?
My perspectives on God and how he provides for us has also been seeing a major shift in the last 18+ months. I was always under the impression that God was only interested in my soul and whatever he provided for me, was for the saving of my soul and healing of my soul, and my body and my earthly desires didn’t matter to him, because they are all temporary. So i came to resent him for creating me, for allowing me to see all the plenty and beauty all around me, and for keeping me from enjoying them. Today – i noticed something about myself that delights ONLY me. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my soul!
My hair. It’s absolutely STUNNING. I can’t stop looking at it and touching it and playing with it. About 3 yrs ago, my hair started to fade away. And i was afraid i was going bald. There were nights when it made me cry to look at my hair. i was also losing my hard earned curls. (I had hair that was straight as a poker, and it got curly after pregnancy). I tried to get a layered hair cut around that time, so it would look like i had more body, but the layers didn’t revive my curls. I watched hundreds of videos on youtube on how to take care of curly hair. Then, i found some oils that promised to help hair grow back. That was about two years ago. Today, my hair is so full of bouncy curls. I don’t spend hours on them like their girls on youtube. I use only the oils, against the advice of every hair dresser i’ve gone to (oils will weigh down your hair, they all say!) But my hair has now weight to it. So, the oils accentuate the curls. When i tie it in a high pony tail at night, with oils and a few sprits of water, when i take down the pony tail in the morning, i have a head full of curls. And just today, i was marveling at how God answered two prayers – one for curly hair, one for not going bald! And — here i am, i am the only one who find such intense pleasure in this head full of curly hair, and it has nothing to do with my soul! lol 🙂 Why does my hair matter to him? Oh – there IS a verse in the Bible about all the hairs on a person’s head being numbered, but i never really thought about that verse as literally meaning about hair. I thought it was a figure of expression. I mean, does it make any sense that God would care about a person’s hair?! So – when i see God blessing me with good hair, then how can i doubt that he will also me with other things that are actually necessary for life on this earth?
So I take you back to this…what does it feel like for you to be a billionaire and financially limitless? Imagine that life, what it would look like, feel like, who would be in it etc? Even imagine that you are NOT sharing this money with other people. You only share it with those who are closes to you, but other than that, you just get to enjoy the lifestyle however you want, without having to think about others. Some parts of your vision could feel amazing and wonderful and some parts might feel uncomfortable. Explore what comes up for you.i was actually doing this WITH a friend a few days back! lol 🙂 i told him i was going to buy a mansion, and asked him if he wanted to be my personal chef. He didn’t know i was serious. But, we had a good chat about my mansion, so, that’s a reality in my mind now, and also his! lol 😀 I have been writing down what my life as a billionaire is like – i’m at 123 points. I haven’t come across anything uncomfortable. Some people hate the taxes, but that’s all part of the game, and i think the tax system in the US is the fairest i’ve ever come across. i already know that i’m not going to back up any charity. Nor start one of my own. lol 🙂 I’ll be making yearly trips to Ethiopia, to visit my mom and my family there. Every 3 yrs or so, to India to visit uncles and aunts and my first cousins. Everyone is getting old, so once the old folks pass on, my trips to India will stop. i HAVE to go to Australia, because my grandfather wanted to go, but didn’t make it. And my Dad wanted to go, so he’d finish the journey for his father. But he too, wasn’t able to do it. OMG! if i take a ship from India to Australia, like my Grandfather did, that would be the TRUE completion of the journey!!! ok. That’s going down as an absolute priority trip!
Give me some Billionaire discomforts to explore! perhaps i’m not exploring deep enough yet, but honestly i can’t think of anything uncomfortable about an abundance of riches! i want my kids to be able to focus on establishing their Core Values, without the stress of thinking about how they’re going to support themselves. This will give them the time they need to focus on themselves and find their TRUTHS and root out the lies in their hearts. I was given the Time that i needed to do this soul searching, over the past 2 yrs, and i want to give that same gift to my children.
~~ vino.
Hi Heidi!
I have SO MANY Thoughts!!! lol 🙂
I’ve noticed a pattern in my cocoons. The very first one that i had to break out of – was the biggest one and the hardest one. It took the bulk of my life. I have found a perfect label for it. The first cocoon was the building up of TRUTH. All of the lies had to be extracted, and in the process of replacing the lies with the Truth, i recognized HOW to tell if something is a lie or not. So, since then, the process has become faster. BUT — Truth is the foundation of all things, without truth, nothing stable can be built.
My Second cocoon, was all about building up Strength. This was cool too! I’ve learned to recognize how a good thing can also cause you to be weak – when you become dependent on it. It caused me to look for a source of strength that was reliable – and i found God again. This is helping me build stronger relationships, because i don’t need to rely on people to meet my needs in any relationship – since they are not the source of my strength.
My current one is about building Freedom. And when you think about it, it’s the logical progression – you’re not free to fly till your wings are strong enough. So, i am learning how to identify the things that tie me down vs the things that release me. I notice this the most in the area of finances – because i experienced a literal panic attack when i tried to fill out a sheet with my availability – when i thought i’d work at a store for a few months so i could buy myself a car!
During these times, i have also noticed a dramatic shift in my perspective. And things are happening SO FAST that i can’t tell when the changes actually began to happen or what is connected to them. Like housework – yesterday — i was attacking a massive pile of dishes in the kitchen, and i noticed the absence of fatigue in me! I was at it, as if i had expected it, and i went at it with ZERO stress. When did my attitude towards never-ending work shift? What happened to my fatigue? And when i look at the piles of boxes that i need to unpack and sort through – instead of discouragement, i feel excitement! So, my previous cocoon worked well, in helping me build up my strength to tackle the tasks that i need to currently tackle. When your wings are strong enough, it’s impossible to sit around resting and recuperating as if your wing is still healing.My relationship with JB (and in general) – also seem to have followed a similar path — when i first met JB, there were a lot of lies that i believed about myself. I had to replace all that with the Truth and i still find a few lies here and there, but they’ve become easier to spot and now i don’t even try to change them when i find them – i just have to examine the feeling that comes with the thought, look in the mirror and ask if it’s true, and if it’s not, it flips. So – one of my major issues, was of course, attractiveness. It seems i’m more concerned about my face than my body, because i’ve never liked how my face shows up in photos, especially in group photos. I’ve always felt like my face ruins the whole collection of faces. And there were times when i imagined a picture of me and JB and i felt like i wasn’t pretty enough to be in the same picture as him. SO. I looked in the mirror and asked myself if it was true, and examined each part of my face. I decided that, yes, it was true – because my teeth were all twisty, and they really do mess up my smile. i invested in some aligners and also started doing Face Yoga with this Japanese lady – something i’d come across a LONG time ago. This made me change how i behaved – i started looking at myself a lot more and smiling whenever i passed by the mirror – first, to check my teeth, and second, to do some face exercises, which make me laugh. This has resulted in me really liking how i look. so i’ve stopped judging myself. I’ll be happy to find myself in a picture with JB, and i won’t be carrying this feeling that I’m going to ruin the picture.
Another shift that i’ve noticed is in my self-worth. This started from the place of “I’m not worth being a friend to” in my very first Box full of Lies – to “i’m worth being friend” to – in my second box — which helped me create strong friendships but nothing more, because i was still under the impression that i wasn’t worth being loved and committed to, because i’m a burden and a trap. So, this 3rd box of Freedom – as i release more and more of the thoughts that ARE trapping me, and finding more freedom emotionally and mentally and also financially, it’s going to affect my relationships too, and there’s going to be more freedom in my relationships. THIS – is something i desire with my whole heart, because i don’t want to be a burden and i don’t want to be burdened either. But all of my past relationships have been one or the other. So, i need to work out how i can build a relationship that is not a burden. And,since i am 100% sure, that i am NOT a burden, i can now build relationships that aren’t burdens.
The thing is, all of these things have fallen into place on an internal level, but not yet externally. For example – we are desperate to get a dog into our lives, and have been talking more and more about it for at least a year. But last year, we couldn’t do it for TWO major reasons – 1. we didn’t have enough space. 2. the kids’ dad, didn’t want to get a dog for Kid#1. and i felt, if I got one, and only Kid#2 got to bond with the dog, it would drive K#1 into deeper depression, EVEN IF he’s not jealous. He was in a place where he truly, truly, truly could’ve used the help of a dog. He needed the dog more. Anyway – now the dad isn’t in the way, and we have enough space – the only thing preventing us from getting one right this minute is that there’s too many boxes in the house – but that’s temporary. We’ll be ready for a dog by Christmas.
I kind of feel the same about moving forward with JB – i don’t have enough space BUT the things that are in the way are temporary. They’re not insurmountable like the beliefs that were trapping me before. They’re more of a practical nature, and i don’t yet know what they are, but they won’t be hard to unpack and sort through — they just require a bit of time.
The BiGGest Lies that i believed about money was that i wasn’t allowed to enjoy it unless everyone else in my life was also able to enjoy it. I have nothing against rich people. In fact, I believe i am rich already because i have the arrogance and selfishness to be rich! lol 🙂 But, even when i was in the midst of my lies, i never had anything against rich people — i’ve always felt like they have every right to enjoy what they have got – whether it was handed down to them or they had to work for it — and they don’t owe anybody anything, not even an explanation. I believe that money, like air, is a basic necessity, so it should be available to us in unlimited amounts. lol 🙂 I DID have some strong feelings about being dependent on anyone for money — i’ve never fully supported myself before and i didn’t want to get into a situation in which i needed financial support again.
BUT — i liken financial support to any other kind of support – emotional, mental, physical. As long as you are dependent on something or someone else for any kind of support you are not at your strongest. You are only as strong as your support is. It’s interesting to me that people are ok with looking for emotional, mental, spiritual and even physical support from God, but not financial support. Well, i can’t say anything till my supply comes in, right? But when it does, i expect it to be as abundant as the air we breathe! And pure too! Who wants polluted air?! Unless God is the source for all of my needs, i will not be fully Free. this is how i see it. it has worked for the other cocoons – He is the source of my Truth. He is the source of my Strength. And i want Him to be the source of my Freedom, because if He isn’t, then my freedom will be an illusion and it won’t be true.
~~ vino
PS – one reason why i gave away the money is because i was weighing myself on the same scale as i was weighing the money – and with JB’s money, i fell short, and with the alimony, it was beneath me. I’ve taken myself off the money scale. lol 🙂
Heidi — it’s been 2 days and i have a book to write! lol 😀
i too value the fact that i’ve been able to share with you over an extended period of time. There’s value in that – you get to know how a person communicates and you’re able to support each other more. I found this in all my online communities – who were my sole support during my darkest years, and i couldn’t leave the house to find the kind of support i needed. i had a doctor/therapist and all that – but there’s something unique about being supported by regular folks. I felt like i was seen and accepted as a person, and those who befriended me, did so out of their own free will and they weren’t getting paid for it! So, as much as i am an advocate for professional help, i’m a greater advocate of good ol’ friendships!
You are right about my parents. They made the best choices with the knowledge that they had gained. I grew up in an environment that exposed me to several different ways of life, and i had the opportunity to compare. I was wounded more by that than by anything that my parents did! I knew there was a different way! I asked God to show me what i got from them. I got many good things from them… and i made it mine. Integrity is a huge thing i got from them. And trustworthiness as well, even though i was not able to trust them with my heart – i could trust them with everything else. it’s like i fine-tuned the things i got from them, and took it further and deeper. They have loving hearts and made many friends and have been a support to innumerable people. They didn’t know what i needed. And it’s not easy to know things like that! i was trying to figure out what my kids truly, truly needed from me to feel supported, and i only have a vague idea! And i’m actually LOOKING to support them in all possible ways. My parents didn’t know how important it was to support the heart and soul of a child.
I have SO MUCH to say about money. But first, i have to share something that i just noticed last night. Numbers! You mentioned numerology when we were talking about names. I’m sure i looked up the numbers related to my name at some point! lol 🙂 but – i love playing with numbers in general, and looking for patterns and i wonder if there’s any meaning or purpose behind patterns. I know there are many who believe that there is some kind of meaning behind all patterns. And i’ve looked up their thoughts at times. But i found myself getting sucked into it in a way that prevented me from thinking for myself. So, i do it for fun every once in a while, but treat it like fiction, or entertainment – just a little detail in life that delights me. 🙂 SO — the numerical patterns i’ve been noticing lately are doubles of everything. Whenever i see a double, i think of my children. Even though they are not the same age, i feel like they are, and even they feel like they are! And each is the inverse of the other.
The number that jumped out at me last night was the number 23. Nothing of interest to it except that it happened twice and in the exact same pattern. I got the divorce in Nov of 2017 and lived in the house we shared till the kids were done with high school. I moved out at the end of Sept 2019 – it was 23 months after the divorce. From Oct 2019 to end of Aug 2021, i lived in my first apartment with one of the kids – 23 months again! So, i wondered why i got 23 months twice in a row? Now i’m just watching for 23s. lol 🙂 My older one turns 23 in Jan!
But, i had another thought concerning my move. One of my hearts deepest desires was to be able to create a home for my two kids. I felt like there was something wrong with me because i wasn’t able to turn my first apartment into a home. Looking back, i see that it wasn’t a home. It was a place to escape to, from the house. And i’d never been able to shake the feeling that i hadn’t been able to save my older one, because he was stuck at that house. I couldn’t create a home for only one of my children. I had to shed that apartment like an exoskeleton, and move into a bigger one. This picture truly excited me, because i began to wonder if every move i’ve made is because i had outgrown the place i was in, and needed more room for more of my dreams to come true! So, i know, that in this apartment, i will be able to fulfill my desire of making a home for my children, but there are already dreams in place that will require more room. And when we have gained enough resources and strength, we will break out of this shell as well, and expand some more!
The purpose of the previous shell, was healing! I worked for only 4 months – and the rest of my time there, i lived on my savings, just like a caterpillar in a cocoon! Also during that time, my children were in Ethiopia for 4 months, and i experienced my first taste of pure freedom – of having only ME to think about and feed and house. it was DELICIOUS! lol 🙂 I’m glad i didn’t fret about an income during that time. I tried, because i thought i was ‘supposed’ to. But it just didn’t work. It was SO HARD to think about my finances, that i thought i might be in denial and i’d lost touch with reality! lol 🙂 I hadn’t lost touch with anything. I was actually getting in touch with what TRULY Mattered to me. I needed that much time!
Another fun observation with numbers — lining up the numbers in my birthday and JB’s – we have ALL the numbers accounted for except 3. (and 0 – but does that count?! lol 🙂 ) So, i played with ideas for the Missing 3 and decided that 3 represents God. Without God, we are incomplete. But also, this entire relationship has God’s fingerprints in it. There are just too many little details that are in place, that they seem to have been deliberately placed there. Because their presence is so far out. The first one is JB’s name. It seriously neutralized my triggers related to the name! Secondly, is my joining the Catholic church. Also — no matter how frustrating JB’s lack of time is – it truly serves well to give me space to get my life in order. Because, i have asked myself so many times – if i found a man who has more time and is more interested than JB in a relationship, am i ready? And the answer is NO! And it has nothing to do with being stuck on JB either, because i’m not ready for a relationship with JB either. What would it entail? Would i visit him more often? Would he visit me? Would i spend nights with him? Would i move in with him? idk! i’m not read for ANY Of that!
i see that now, from my vantage point in this larger cocoon. I need to stabilize this cocoon – and THEN – i’ll be ready for a relationship with a man. Right now – my focus is on building an income. I have 2 months to make it work. I haven’t told my mom because she’ll get a heart attack. lol 😀 last weekend, i found an online marketing program, that i know will work. How do i know it will work? Because of a word – clickbank. I had looked into it about 10 or so years ago. And i knew it was dependable then. I didn’t know there were more things like clickbank. So, i purchased the course, and discovered something else that confirmed i was on the right track. One of the training modules introduced me to Dr Demartini and his Hierarchy of values. If you haven’t seen that before you really should! There’s a free test on his website PLUS – the BEST part — you get to categorize you answers BY COLOR!!!! OMG! i LOVE playing with colors! i’ve always wanted to color the boxes i put things in! lol 🙂 Well — besides being a lot of fun, it has opened up a whole new can of worms for me to explore!
One of the Worms for me, is money. So, i value relationships over money. That was obvious. I still need to figure out what exactly i DO believe about money. And the questions you posed, in regards to the energy behind my giving away JB’s cash gift was leading me in that direction already. When i see his gift as something OTHER than money, i know i wouldn’t have given it away, not even to God!! For example, if it had been a dress, i wouldn’t have given it to my sister even though she has a better shape and makes dresses look better — there’s no way in hell that i’d have given it to her! I wouldn’t have hidden it in the closet either, to keep it from getting stained and ripped. I would’ve worn it proudly and been full of delight every time i wore it! So, why did i give away the money??!
I honestly don’t know! Is it the flip side of my refusing the alimony? The alimony was repulsive to me and JB’s gift was too precious for me! But both are money! I feel like i’m still relating to money in some slightly twisted way but i don’t know what. I also know that when one becomes aware of a twist it tends to untwist. lol 😀
So — after going through Dr Demartini’s test of values – i see why i wasn’t able to focus on income sooner. It’s because relationships matter to me the most. And until that was stabilized, i couldn’t focus on a less important thing. Now, my relationships are stable. Even with JB! I needed to establish that we will be friends, and i have. Neither he, nor i are in a place to move it from there right now. So, we’re just going to park here for a while, and attend to the other things in our lives that need our attention. For me, that’s income. Not BJJ! I don’t even have to think about ‘making a home’ anymore, because, whatever outlines of plans i had in the smaller cocoon, are simply falling into place here. Since our move, i’ve actually cooked several times a week! And it doesn’t even feel stressful! I’m still perplexed about how that happened! in fact, getting food from the places we were getting them from has become unpleasant! I’d rather do a few minutes of extra work of preparing veggies and cooking, than deal with the unpleasantness of eating fast food again. How did that even change?! Is it simply because i spent time in the Little Shell, dreaming about the pleasures of being able to expertly cook for my family?! It actually brings me great joy to cook something and have the kids eat it and tell me it’s good! I haven’t cooked one bad thing in the past 2 weeks!!!
Well. I truly like how things are unfolding. it seems to be so effortless. and magical. Just like i always wanted my life to be. Full of magic! 🙂
i am SO happy!!
~~ vino
And now – back to the original discussion about indebtedness — i read what you wrote and got completely baffled. I was also completely amused, because – i am not at all against your perspective of just receiving, with no exchange happening! and now i need to figure out how to explain the ‘debt’ that i feel!
I see this process of giving and receiving as a flow of water – everything flows from a higher level to a lower level. If i have plenty to give of a certain thing – then i give it freely – no strings attached, no expectations for anything in return. And if i am lacking in some area, i receive freely…. i think! lol 🙂
I am not able to receive FROM everyone the same way. For example – i never signed up for unemployment. When my store was closing and the people came to tell us how to sign up for unemployment, they mentioned the paperwork required – every week, we’d have to fill in paperwork and answer several questions, one of which is: Are you looking for a job? Since i had no intention of looking for a job, for at least a month, i decided i wouldn’t sign up for unemployment, because i couldn’t answer that question with a yes. I have since learned that there are countless people, who answer YES, even if it’s a NO. Am i a fool for not signing up for unemployment? It doesn’t matter if i am. To me, it just feels SO WRONG to me! So, that’s a source of income i am not going to avail of.
Sometime last month, a cousin of mine reconnected with me on FB and we spent some hours chatting. She too was concerned about my finances and wanted to help. She asked me to help her get a job in the US, so we can live together and pool resources. I told her i don’t know how to get her a job in the US and i don’t even know if that’s possible anymore with all the Covid insanity. Then she said, she wants to help me, so if i ever need any money, i should just ask her, because we’re family. BUT I NEVER WILL!
I know, she offered with honest intent. BUT, i also know she expects the same in return ‘because we’re family’. It’s a cultural thing. You help each other freely. But you also expect the same kind of help from each other, with no boundaries. Anyone who puts down boundaries is considered a selfish jerk. IN this case, i wouldn’t mind an exchange of cash, however, i’d draw the line at having her live in my house or me in hers. She wouldn’t be able to understand why i don’t want her to live in my house, because she has no qualms about opening up her house to me. I can do it on a temporary basis. BUT, in India – there’s nothing temporary about your obligations to your family. SO — i cannot receive ANYTHING from ANYONE, if it’s a trap. Like the cheese on a mouse trap.
It’s the same in Ethiopian culture — whatever they do for you (or not!) they expect the same in return. My brother HATES it when his neighbors show up on his doorstep expecting him to solve all their problems, just because they’re neighbors (and he’s a ‘foreigner’ and therefore has more of everything than they do). And they HATE him because he says NO. His wife, if she’s there, is good at saying NO in a diplomatic way, but he doesn’t care enough. I’m glad she’s there for him. He’ll probably make many enemies and get killed at this rate! lol 🙂
It took me a while to notice my own giving — and i had to work at removing the hooks from the things i was giving. It is a totally AWESOME feeling when there’s no hooks! There’s total freedom – to both give AND to also say NO! i didn’t know the hooks were two-way hooks. But, they create resentments in the person who is the giver, because the giver is worried about how to refill their own supply, and doesn’t know how to say no, when they don’t have enough to give. When the hooks are gone – you are able to give freely, because, you’re free to say NO as well, when your supply is low.
So, when JB said he was giving me a check – i tested for hooks – by telling him i’d return it if my application was rejected. And he said to keep it regardless. There were no hooks. He hasn’t asked me any follow ups related to either the money or the application either. For all he knows, i could’ve lied about the entire application thing, hoping he’d offer to pay for it! And there are people who do such things, aren’t there?! It makes me truly glad that he gives freely, as i do. The debt that i owe him, isn’t related to the money at all. Actually, i was so thrilled with the money – it felt like such a rare and unique treasure, that i gave the whole thing to God. I’m kinda curious about what God is doing with it! To me, it wasn’t money. And it’s value was WAY MORE than monetary. Of course, i questioned myself about my impulsive generosity — was i giving away the money God had given me for that application?! lol 😀 But i didn’t want to use such a precious gift for something as ordinary as an application!
Once you feel you “owe” them, you are giving them power in your life. I would suggest to really look at the energy behind this “debt” you create in your mind.
The thing that i feel that i owe – is gratitude. My parents gave me what they could, and i was not grateful for it at the time. Sometimes, when i look back on my life, i still can’t pin-point what they gave me that i should be grateful for, because they also took away from me. I know, on one level, i am being entirely unfair, but i still haven’t gotten to the place where i’m fully grateful, because, all the good things that i see in myself, i WORKED for it! I am happy because I worked on myself! And some of the things i had to overcome were wounds that they left in me from negligence! I also protected my kids from the things that my parents failed to protect me from. So, what exactly DID i receive from my parents? And they were above average as far as Indian parents go. So, in the eyes of everyone else, they set me up for a success. But they didn’t.
I wasn’t able to reverse ALL of the damage they caused – because my kids aren’t set up for success either. But then, i’m realizing that they were raised by a wounded 7 yr old. I feel like i have been given a second chance, to give them the kind of home i’ve always wished i could. I hope i’m older than 7yrs old now! lol 🙂 IF not – it’s ok – i’m no longer a wounded 7 yr old. it HAS to be better to be raised by a healthy 7 yr old!
I’m definitely going to explore what this ‘debt’ does in my mind. For example – I’m not going to do ANYTHING for JB that i wouldn’t normally do, just because he helped me out financially. And if he makes me feel indebted, or goes around boasting about how generous he is to me (the ex always boasted about all the things he did for me!) – then, he’s not a person i’d want to be in a relationship with. I’d return the money too. With interest!
BUT, i am always keeping an eye open for opportunities to share something good with him, because it makes me happy to share with him.
I feel like i have to go back and re-read EVERYTHING that wrote about debts and owing, to understand what i said now! lol 🙂
~~ vino
Hi Heidi!
So — i spent several hours last night, going over my past messages – to find the responses from Kanya, so i could accurately tell you why you have been more helpful to me than her. i looked for the things she said that or didn’t say that made me not as receptive to her, as i am to you. What i found, was quite interesting. i found that my initial reaction to her is completely gone! lol 😀 Which, i think is an AWESOME thing, because it means whatever trigger she tripped, is gone! i DO remember how she made me feel – she made me feel like she had an agenda, and wanted to direct me in a particular direction. So, whenever i saw that she had responded to my post, i had to take a deep breath, create extra space for my emotions to diffuse, and then focus on her questions as a mental exercise. She did have some really good questions for me to chew on.
I didn’t have the same emotional reaction to her messages this time, and only saw the good questions. HOWEVER – i did notice what made her responses different from yours, and those may have been the things that triggered my original thoughts. 1. Her responses were very short, compared to yours. This meant, she left many of the things i’d mentioned, unaddressed. This could’ve contributed to the feeling that she didn’t truly listen to me. 2. She made typos. on my name! lol 🙂 my guess is, she may have been using a phone, or something with a really small screen. My messages look really long even on a laptop screen. They were probably terrifying on a phone screen. So, that explains why she didn’t read most of what i wrote and forgot my name by the time she got to the end of the message, and also why she could only address one thing in her responses. 3. She didn’t follow up on her questions. I enjoyed her questions and spent many hours exploring the ideas they opened up. And she never noticed my responses to her questions. And lastly 4. She questioned how i was expressing my faith in God. this was our last exchange – she thought it unwise that i would cut off alimony just because i was trusting in God. I re-read that message – and it still rubs me the wrong way — but i know how she could’ve said what she said without rubbing me the wrong way!
She said – i didn’t have to prove my trust in God by refusing alimony. And this is where the problem was. I wasn’t trying to prove anything, to ANYONE – not to myself, not to whoever is watching, not even to God. In fact, trying to prove something or other, has ALWAYS seemed wrong to me, in ANY relationship. I do what i do, BECAUSE i trust God, not to PROVE that i trust Him. There’s a subtle difference there, that i think is very important in the state of my heart. If i was trying to prove that i trust him, it means i was trying to impress someone – Him or other people. Or i was trying to earn some favor from Him – but wouldn’t he see through a fake trust? And besides, He can’t even be bought that way! So, my lack of attachment to the money was because i trusted Him to provide for me from a source that wasn’t poisonous to me. From the very beginning, i never wanted the alimony. I took it because i thought i needed it, because i was only working part-time when we divorced.
Now – the financial aspect of things that she brought up, was all accurate, and it’s the same thing EVERY SINGLE person who knows about it, has ever said to me. Nobody has been impressed by my financial recklessness. They all came up with a dozen ideas of how i could continue taking the money and give it to the kids, if i don’t want to use it myself. My mom said he owes it to me and should pay back every last penny. I asked her why? Because i was working for him? ugh! I didn’t get into the relationship for the money. Why should it become about money just because there was a divorce? To tie my lost years to monetary value was devaluing the life that i lost. Even if he’d been a millionaire and could’ve give me $10,000/month as alimony, i would’ve refused it. So, when God found his way back into my life, i found that i finally had enough trust to cut myself off from a source of poison. I sincerely see his energy in my life as poison. My trust in God, has driven out a LOT, A LOT of fear based thinking. (seeing some of my old messages was an EXCELLENT eye-opener! wow! I’ve changed SO MUCH!!!)
Finally – the expression of my trust is unique to me. i would NEVER, EVER, EVER advice someone else to cut off all sources of their income and trust God. The way a person’s trust shows up in their life is different from person to person. So, i didn’t appreciate being told that i was trusting God the wrong way.
Anyway — all this to say – YOU not Kanya, have been the kinder person to me. I admire what you are able to do. Occasionally, i look at the other threads to see what kind of issues other women are having, and i read your responses, and i think to myself – i DO NOT have the patience for that! lol 🙂
~~ vino
Heidi, i stumbled upon something that is SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!!!
This guy, is teaching people how to create a calm and safe space for their animals, so their animals can connect with them better, so both animals and humans enjoy each other more. trust-technique.com — AS i listened to him, i decided i want to go out and tame myself some dragons now! lol 😀 But seriously – it will totally work on kids! AND i think it will work on people too! idk! i’m so excited about it! it created some FABULOUS pictures in my mind. And it connected me to things i’ve been experiencing in Church. Especially the newfound PEACE that i have.
I discovered that the Peace is deepest in the Silence. There’s one service on Tuesday nights that is dedicated to this Silence – and you’re simply there, in God’s presence for an hour and i was struck my lack of desire to read or write or pray — i wanted no thoughts to get between me and the silence. So, when this guy – James French – started explaining the process, i was just blown away. He said, when there are too many thoughts going through our minds (humans Or animals) – that’s when we are full of fear, or anxiety or even excitement – and we are unable to listen or learn or think clearly or communicate. So – the goal is to communicate your peace to the animal and reduce it’s mental activity. This made me laugh so much! this is what was happening to me in church! The Silence was SO DEEP, that it was pushing out my thoughts, because they seemed small and insignificant, and i wanted to experience the awesomeness of the silence and words were getting in the way!
He talked about the astronomical amount of healing that happens in an animal, when it is in the state of peace with no mental activity going on – and it is able to connect with you and Your thoughts and you can tell it what to do, and it will, because of how good it feels to be near you! Plus – isn’t it interesting how you can communicate the deepest things best with Silence, and not with words?! I think silence must be the most superior form of communication, not words – no matter how intricate and deep they are!
At any rate – this is just too awesome to me. I love the idea of filling up with peace at church and being able to share it with others, including animals!
Could it also be possible that the person (i.e. your mom) does not actually know or understand your needs, therefore she is just doing what she is doing because it’s what SHE wants? Could it also be possible to be grateful for the effort put forth AND still teach people who YOU are by expressing your needs? If you never let your mom know what your needs are, then she is just going to do what she BELIEVES is necessary. Bottom line is, yes…people can be ungrateful for sure, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you value and appreciate the efforts of your mom AND teach her what your needs are, your needs DO NOT cancel out your gratitude. They get to exist in the same space. Make sense?
I agree – that most of the time it’s because mom (or anyone else) doesn’t know what you need, and they do their best, based on what they think you need. In some areas, it’s easy to express my needs – for instance, in the area of food. The area that i don’t want to explore or share with my mom is emotional. I can even explore intellectual stuff with her – because that’s just the exchange of ideas and opinions and facts and experiences. But – when it gets into the emotional realm – it’s too personal, and i don’t like her presence in my emotional space. SO i never share ANY emotional need with her. EVER!
There was one lady who insisted on spelling my name as Veno. I am very particular about names, because i think it’s a part of the person, and you show respect for the person by the way you treat their name. I told her she had misspelled my name, and told her how to spell it. Then she said, that SHE spelled it with an e. I told her it was MY Name, and she HAD to spell it the way “I” wanted it spelled. She laughed it off. She lost my respect. Completely. i couldn’t even pretend to respect her after that. IF i met her again today… well. i’m sure i’ll talk to her. But in all honesty, she comes across as a pathetic person to me. Perhaps i might feel pity for her. i don’t know.
Other than that, i haven’t had many experiences of expressing my needs, so, that’s something i’ll have to work on, i suppose! lol 🙂
Indebtedness — i agree with you, that if something was meant to happen, it will happen through ANYONE. There’s even stories in the Bible of help coming through Animals, and not just people, so there’s that too! And i agree that no matter how much someone helps me, it’s my own effort that will ultimately help me succeed. I still see exchange of help (of any kind) – as a kind of connection. For example – you have been SO KEY in helping me find my peace, and i feel like i owe a lot of my success to you. And not just your knowledge and insights, but also YOU as a PERSON. I can say this now because Kanya is gone – she was also good at listening and asking good questions, but she had an entirely different energy than you. It’s FAR easier for me to receive from YOU than it was for me to receive from her.
I had the same distinctions with my parents – i could receive correction from my dad, but not my mom. My mom’s corrections were charged with emotion, so the were totally unhelpful to me. She made me hate her first, and then, of course, i wasn’t going to listen to her! (She would’ve benefitted from James French’s trust techniques! lol 😀 ) Dad, on the other hand – could speak facts and figures and he didn’t get all charged up, so it wasn’t painful to learn from him. So, even if they both had the same thing to offer me, i’d rather take it from him than from her.
And, since i AM receiving something, which i cannot give back — it IS a debt. Whether i use it or squander it, it IS still a debt. If it’s NOT a debt, it means there is no significance or value to the person who helped me. And this is NOT True! The person, is of far more value that whatever help they offer me! i know i’m tangling myself in some very circular thoughts here, but i’m finding it hard to the separate the help i receive from the person i receive it from. I know, people say that the message is more important than the messenger. BUT — have you ever received a package which didn’t hold up during it’s travels? The message inside may be lost or broken to bits. So the package, DOES matter! it takes all the beating, to deliver the message undamaged.
So when i see myself as being indebted to a person for something, it isn’t Power that i am putting in their hands, it is Value. THEY matter to me! They have brought something into my life that helped me. The fact that it was specifically them and not someone else, makes THEM significant.
The story you shared – you are right – if she was to live, she would’ve lived, no matter what. God doesn’t need anyone’s help to get things done. In fact, whenever He uses our help, we make a big mess – just like a toddler helping her mother ‘bake’. But a good mother, lets her baby help her because it’s not about the baking, it’s about the connecting between mother and toddler. Same with God. When He involves us in stuff – it’s to deepen our relationship with him (and also each other) and not so much about whatever project we’re doing together.
Do my circles make sense to you??!! 🙂
I’ve signed up for Susan Piver’s newsletters. But i’ve purchased Trust Techniques with James French! lol 🙂
~~ vino
last night, i was going to respond to all of your thoughts about expressing my needs — i absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how you unpacked each statement that i made!!! But the thing that blew me away was the thought you presented – that my needs are a GIFT!!! This is something i have NEVER considered. And i need to ponder it with my whole heart, in order to do it justice. It’s a very BEAUTIFUL thought. Thank you!
Sometimes, it’s because i know they are already doing their best and it’s ungrateful of me to ask for more. I want to invite you to really look deeply into this. Who taught you that asking for your needs is you being ungrateful? Is this actually true? Are you being ungrateful? Sometimes, it’s because i don’t like them enough to be indebted to them. Explain this a little further. How does asking for what you want, make you indebted to someone?
I don’t know if it was a thing that was taught to me — it feels ungrateful to me — for example — i experience this from the kids and i’ve done it to my mother too. Cooking isn’t easy. The only reason i do it is to feed the kids, because i’m easy to feed. So, after i put in the effort and the time, and they are not content with it because they need something else, or something more — this is deflating. I’ve done it to my mom countless times. i don’t see the effort that she puts into something. So i don’t value what she gives me, as much as i should. i think there’s a degree of ungratefulness in asking for something more or something else, when they’ve already done whatever they could.
Being indebted to someone — you ask for what you do not have, right? you may or may not be able to return the favor. So, when someone meets your need – and you go on to succeed because of their help, it also means it wouldn’t have been possible without their help. i see this as being ‘indebted’ to them, because they contributed to your success. Your success is partly theirs. And i can’t be indebted to someone i don’t like, because then, i have to share my success with them. This may be twisted thinking, but that’s how it feels to me.
~~ vino
Goodmorning Heidi!!
Important things first — pancakes! lol 😀 I made it from a mix. Gluten Free Pancake and weaffle mix from Maple grove farms. (I honestly thought i was using my buttermilk mix that isn’t gluten free! rofl 😀 ) — i had this one on hand for a gluten free friend of K#2. Instead of oil, i used butter – melted it and added it to the batter after i’d mixed up all the remaining ingredients. It would’ve been ABSOLUTELY Fabulous with blueberries! Or topped with any other berries! There’s another company that has really awesome mixes – high protein as well — Kodiak Cakes. i need to test that out now, with the melted butter as the last ingredient! 🙂
SO — i noticed something interesting this morning! I am in a NEW SPACE!
I wanted to write to you last night, but wasn’t able to collect my thoughts, and it must’ve been because there were too many things happening. About the Enneagram — i looked it up and, like you said, it seems to be similar to other things that put people in boxes. But you seem to know something about it that i am INTENSELY curious about! How can someone fit into a number forever? Even within the last 10 yrs i’ve seen myself changing a LOT. BUT — the ‘change’ that i’m observing, could simply be external things that were slapped onto me by others, and the TRUE me, is simply casting off the fakeness and coming to life. From what you’ve said, this will be an invaluable tool, not just for myself, but also for my kids! SO — YES – please tell me more about it!!
My NEW SPACE — this is SO COOL! It happened because of a call i got from some guy in CA about a debt resolution program. I signed up for it. I understood fully, that what they do is get a debt cancelled, because the holder of the debt didn’t do due diligence when turning me into a debtor. (THIS is especially true of store credit cards, which i’ve signed up for, and they ask me for an annual income and i make something up, because i never remember my real numbers, and they do a ‘credit check’ and they tell me in 5 min that i’m approved. apparently that’s illegal and unethical.) Anyway – the entire time during the conversation i was watching for red flags, and my gut didn’t pick up on ANYTHING! I asked SO MANY questions – and still – no red flags – so i signed up for it. THEN, i searched the company on line and their lawyers, and they are all legit. AT least to the extent that i could search.
BUT — something was terribly off IN ME!!! I understand how a lot of people don’t understand how credit cards work and end up spending a ton of money in interest payments because they are just making minimum payments. BUT – i wasn’t blindsided by anything. I signed up for each card, for some convenience factor or benefit. I continue to use them for the convenience and the benefits. I’m never going to accrue a massive debt by only paying minimum payments. I’ve also, had large sums to pay off on my cards before – when my mom was visiting, when my kids needed to homeschool, flights to Ethiopia, etc — and i’ve brought them all down to zero. Most of the sums i have on my cards right now, are promotional sums that gave me an interest free period. SO – considering all that — my conclusion was – i have a GOOD relationship with my credit cards. And i honestly DO NOT want my debts written off, without being paid off! SO, even if i had MASSIVE Debts that this company could erase for me — i don’t want them to! This was a total surprise for me! I had drawn a line in a positive space! I didn’t need to know if they were a scam or not. IN fact, i am accepting them as 100% legit and true! BUT i still don’t want their services!
This observation is what entered me into my NEW SPACE. I’ve always looked at situations from the bottom line – what is the worst that can happen, and is this worth the pain? BUT this created a whole other question for me — it examines the BEST case scenario – and my question is: IF this is 100% True and Good – do i really want it in my life?
i had always been under the impression that i wanted ALL things, and i would never say NO to a good thing. I am thrilled to find a boundary to myself, in the Space of GOOD Things! The power in saying NO to a good thing, is entirely different than the power to accept negative consequences. It’s almost like the flip side of it. And it sort of completes the other side of the circle. This is filling me up with SO MUCH JOY and FREEDOM! i don’t need red flags to steer me away from something! I know what is in alignment with ME and what isn’t!
Johnny — is JB! lol 🙂 i guess his secret identity is out now! Ah well. i will continue to call him JB. lol 🙂
This morning — in the mediations, i read that when God wants us to deal with something in our lives, he does so in the most encouraging way. So, i wondered about all the times my biggest moments of growth came out of times of greatest pain. And i realized something. Pain has a surefire way of getting our attention. BUT — it is ENTIRELY Possible to change without pain! When i returned to church – i had one condition — i didn’t want ANY Part of the church life to ADD stress to my life. I didn’t even know if that was truly possible. But, it seems God took my request seriously. My life is constantly changing, but i feel no stress!
I let go of JB again, last night. I’ve done this frequently in the past 2 yrs. Each time, it happened after a time of distress and of wondering what’s going on in his head. Each time, it has been less painful to let him go. This time, i didn’t even try. AS of last night, he’s gone from my heart. I sat in church, wondering if all my feelings for him were fake. They weren’t. BUT They were all from a place of pain. When wounds are raw, they stick to everything – even the bandaid that is meant to protect them, becomes a source of pain when it has to be removed. BUT if the skin is able to heal underneath that bandaid, the bandaid automatically falls off, painlessly.
I can see how, when i first met JB – i was a raw wound from head to foot. The pain from the momentary losses of him, was excruciating. Every time we reconnected, there was some healed areas, and there was still some raw areas. Those raw areas, continued to get stuck to him in an unhealthy way. Last night – i decided that i don’t even need to ask him for a phone call anymore. JB is a part of my life as a friend, and of this i am 100% sure. We will continue talking to each other and making plans to meet whenever we are able.
I have NEVER EVER EVER been in a fully healthy relationship! How could i? When i was so unhealthy? I don’t know how healthy HE is either! But the God who is healing me, is healing him too. I feel a degree of freedom today, that i didn’t feel even yesterday!
lol 😀 first off, i am totally thrilled that you love my circular thinking! i get myself dizzy with it sometimes, and get so confused! lol 😀
So – starting from the end – am i truly willing to risk losing him, by asking for more? I think i was subconsciously thinking about this last night, because this morning, i was trying to clarify in my mind — IF i wanted more from JB — WHERE would i start, that’s a logical progression from where we are? So, i tried to think of other relationships from which i get more, and how did i get there?
Guess what i found??? I have ZERO relationships in which i have EVER, EVER, EVER felt comfortable ASKING for more! I’ve never asked my family for anything. Sometimes, it’s because i feel like making my needs known puts me in a vulnerable place, and i don’t trust them with my vulnerability. Sometimes, it’s because i already know that they cannot give me what i need. Sometimes, it’s because i know they are already doing their best and it’s ungrateful of me to ask for more. Sometimes, it’s because i don’t like them enough to be indebted to them. Sometimes, i don’t want to impose on them. (This is the most frequent one with friends). There may be other reasons too, but those are the main ones.
SO — how do i get my needs met? well — i usually don’t! lol 🙂 In recent times, since returning to church, i’m finding that i’m getting a lot of my needs met through church. Somehow, the peace is restored, the fear is gone, and the emptiness refills and i have more to give. This has changed a lot of things, because when i feel like i need some kind of help, i feel like i have a bottomless resource in church. So, for instance, all of the things i want to say to JB, i sometimes simply write to him in my devotion book, and ask God if it’s something i should talk to him about, and if so, how? The thing is, i have been quite vague, even in this process, because i never noticed that i do not know how to ask for help, or make my needs known.
Now i know. So — i was playing with the idea of asking Johnny, if he’d be willing to help me learn how to ask for what i need, by practicing with him! i don’t know if HE’s good at asking for help, so that’s something he can practice with me too. Anyway – i haven’t had a chance to write to him yet, because i’ve been on phone calls all day.
Going back to the first thing you brought up — i like how you connected the lack of triggers to our lack of IN PERSON time. This will be fun! i’m going to tell him i want more triggers to work through, so can we please do more of whatever might trigger us?! lol 😀 He has plans to visit me. He was going to take a day off in the middle of the week and take me to St Patrick’s in NYC, because i haven’t been there yet. He also said he’s getting me a house warming gift and will visit soon. I don’t see any fears in his interactions — i did, way in the beginning when he ghosted me for 2 weeks. And then, he came back and said he felt like things were moving too fast. I was mad at him then, but then i realized that he was actually RIGHT! because we’d only been chatting for a week, and he found himself making all kinds of plans and promises, and freaked himself out. So, now, we’re both in a more stable place. We’re also getting used to all the uncertainty in the world, and it’s not as stressful anymore to know absolutely nothing of what the future holds.
I still haven’t answered if i’m willing to lose him — this should be a two part question. I think there’s a difference between losing HIM and losing my Fantasy OF him. I want to lose the fantasy. I want to get to what is real – whatever it is. Will i lose his friendship from asking for more? i suppose it depends on how i ask? or what i ask for? I’m sure, if i ask him to call me when he’s free, it won’t jeopardize our friendship. We hardly ever talk on the phone. So, i could ask him for more of that. I’m not a phone person, so it doesn’t bother me when i don’t get a phone call, but, i was thinking — it IS kind of fun to talk to him on the phone. Why is that?
Ok — I absolutely LOVE how you explained to me that i am not a tolerant person. rofl 😀 😀 😀 Or an agreeable one either, for that matter! I am happy to be intolerant and disagreeable!
You’re right that JB has gotten stuck in the primary spot of my go-to persons. Although — i DO have a more varied support network that i did some 3 or 4 yrs ago. For example — you are the only one i talk to about JB issues! lol 🙂 My coach from the coaching calls that i’d signed up for last year still calls me to check up on me. I have my handful of internet friends who’ve seen me break out of my toxic marriage and change, and they will always be a huge part of my support network. Although, at this point, our interaction is limited to a monthly update on all of the things that are changing in my life again! I don’t rely on them as much as i used to though. i’m not sure why and how that changed.
my head is clearing a bit on what i need to focus on – at least for this month! I need to get rid of the boxes and set up the furniture in a semi-functionable fashion so i can invite my friends over! I had some pancakes this morning and they were SO, SO, SOOOOOOOOO good! I knew they were going to be good from just looking at the texture of the batter! When there’s room to walk without tripping, i will invite JB over for some pancakes. 😀
~ vino
I also listen to youtube videos on relationships. And they are quite discouraging, to be honest. They talk about how men like to work for a relationship and they don’t value someone who is very agreeable.
Well — i hate drama. So i’m not going to CAUSE it. When i find myself with those who DO cause drama, i walk away. There’s nothing to gain from engaging in drama. So this makes me a very agreeable person. sigh. 🙁
i’m also very honest and truthful. i quickly notice the times when i’ve had difficulty being fully honest, and it doesn’t last long, because i absolutely HATE how it makes me feel if there’s a few drops of manipulativeness in my speech, so i come clean real quickly. i don’t know if that’s helpful or not in a relationship. But, it DOES make me have to face the question often – if i’m willing to risk losing whatever we have between us — and my answer is always — if it’s in danger of being lost, it doesn’t have a strong foundation, so there’s no point in building on a shaky foundation anyway, so yes, it’s always worth the risk.
Hi Heidi!
What EXACTLY do i want with him?? over the time i’ve known him — almost coming up on 2 yrs! omg! — What i want with him has actually kept changing! When i first started writing to him, i was just looking for someone to chat with and maybe go on a date with. HOWEVER – he was outside my list of who i’d date – because he has never married and doesn’t have kids. I figured, someone like that, would probably want to marry someone who can still have kids. PLUS – his name is the same as the ex! So, to be fully honest with you, to this day, i have no clue why i wrote to him! lol 🙂
So – when our conversations started to get interesting and deep, i wanted to meet him, and i wanted to date him, and i wanted to be in a relationship with him, and perhaps i also wanted to marry him, as fast as i could, because i was so sure that i was in love with him. Looking back — i realize i was in too much of a hurry.
He was quite clear at that time, that he wasn’t interested in anything other than a casual relationship. He’d just come out of a long relationship, and he was just looking for a distraction. That was the first time in my life that i had even thought about a casual relationship, and i wondered if i could handle something like that. I flip flopped with it for a long time, and finally concluded that i couldn’t handle it, because i was sure to get attached, however — i felt it would be worth the pain. (i didn’t tell him all that). In the mean time, he continued to share more and more and more of himself with me.
At one point, i wondered if he was using me for my ability to provide him with a safe place for his heart, while he was free to do whatever he wanted with the rest of his life. And i asked myself if i was willing to be used that way. I concluded that i didn’t mind – but i wouldn’t continue being available to him IF another man happened into my life and happened to be interested in a relationship.
So — where am i at now? There’s a little bit of all of the above still present, but i also want many years of intimate relationship with him. I don’t care if i get married or not. Although i’m working on getting an annulment, that has nothing to do with wanting to get married. That is simply to end a previous, bad spiritual connection.
I also don’t want to get into a marriage nor will i move in with him, until i am FULLY financially stable. So, in a way, i am still not in a place where i am ready for a deeper commitment. SO – what i DO want from him, is to know if he has ever considered the possibility of a romantic relationship with me. I know – it’s either there or not, so he probably knows already, right?
i’ve been meeting my new neighbors. And one couple, shared a bit of their story with me. They’re both veterans – he was Navy and she was Army and i got curious about how they crossed paths. So — she told me how she completely broke up with him after he offended her once – didn’t like the smell of what she was cooking. lol 😀 And then, they got back together again several years later – they hadn’t kept in touch or anything, they just happened to be working in the same place for a while! So, after talking to them, i thought deeply about how she broke up with him over such a small thing. But actually, i was in awe of her, for having the confidence to break up with him!
So, i tried to imagine being offended by something JB does or says, and i ran a virtual test on myself — would i have the confidence to stand up for myself and break up with him? It was a super hard test, because i couldn’t think of anything that i’d be so offended by! lol 😀 I’ve become more and more tolerant of Everyone around me that i probably look like a total doormat. But, the thing is, I’m not. I stood up for myself at work, and wouldn’t let my boundaries get crossed. I just don’t get mad when someone crosses my boundaries – i just firmly and kindly push them back out and tell them they’ve crossed a line.
And JB is always so kind and respectful to me, and to everyone else around us (the few times were met), and we don’t disagree on several of the strongest triggers – religion, politics, etc. — so, there again, there’s nothing to get into a conflict over. There was one time that he was mad at me, and i didn’t think he was serious, so i kept goofing and made him angrier, but i stopped when i realized he was truly upset (we were texting) – and so i apologized and stopped texting – it was in the middle of one of his 18+ hr shifts and it was the wrong time for me to be silly. BUT – in about an hour or so, he texted me and apologized for getting mad and said, it made no difference how tired he was, there’s no excuse for getting mad at me.
SO. i honestly don’t know what to think. I’ve thought about setting up a profile on a dating site. But then, i feel like i’d just be doing it to pass the time, and i don’t want to do that. So, in a way, i’m ok with how slow things are, because i STILL seem to need some time for things to fall into place. On the other hand – i want to know where we’re headed. or if we’re heading anywhere at all.
If he says we’re just friends, i’ll stop wondering and will probably set up a dating profile even though in a moment of weakness. the thing is – part of my moments of weakness in the past, included not having a man to share stuff with. I’ve gotten so used to sharing stuff with Johnny, that that particular source of weakness is gone. I haven’t experienced that gnawing desperation that i used to feel, back in the day. SO — even if i DO set up a profile — would i really chat with anyone?! i honestly don’t know! What would i talk to another man about? So much faster to share with JB because he already knows all the details! And he knows exactly what to say to lift me up or remind me of something!
And if he says he just needs time, but he IS interested in a relationship with me – well – i couldn’t be happier if he proposed! lol 🙂 Hmm. Maybe this is why he’s not saying anything — because ANY interest he expresses will be so HUGE to me that it would feel like he’d proposed!
well. i’m back where i started. i don’t know what to think. What do YOU see inside my muddle?!
~~ vino
So, now that i posted a short message – i can see my thread again! it’s really weird – i’m able to enter any of the other sections, and view the threads, but when i click on this section: “What does it mean when he says..” it tells me it’s just for members and i can’t access it!
At any rate. I have more updates. lol 🙂 I don’t have much memory of what happened during July, except that i was getting used to life without reliable transport.
I noticed that 95% of my driving was to pick up and drop of Kid#1. Then — on Aug 12th, i got the biggest surprise of my life. Ok — but before i tell you that one, i have to tell you something REALLY weird that happened in church one day. I usually remain in church after the service, reading the meditation for the day and writing down everything that’s on my mind and heart, and sometimes i doze off. Well – that day – it was Aug 9th – i dozed off and continued to write in my book. Most of it was illegible, except for one phrase: “by the 25th”. So, when i got home, i colored in the 25th with my highlighter and told the kids to keep their eyes open for any surprises that might happen. Of course, they didn’t take me seriously. Even i didn’t. But i like playing games.SO, on the 12th, i got a call from the rental office, and they asked me if i was still interested in a 2BR Apartment. I said YES! I didn’t think they’d have one available so, i was not expecting it at all! On the 16th, i’d signed the papers for the new apartment, and although it didn’t happen on or before the 25th, on the night of the 28th, we were sleeping in the new apartment – me and BOTH of my kids! BUT i DID, officially, have a new apartment by the 25th!! lol 🙂
I’m still setting up and i haven’t moved all the stuff in the storage yet. BUT — oh, the effects of having both kids in the same place are SO HUGE and so noticeable, even in the midst of all the disarray. The sheer amount of PEACE is astronomical! I can FEEL the presence of both the kids beside me. Even if they are in their rooms, with their doors closed, they are near me. And it totally fills up my heart. They spend a lot of time alone, but several times a day, they knock on each others’ door and hang out and chat and make each other laugh. I marvel at how they are able to enter into each others’ personal space without offending each other! That’s just SO COOL! They are always open to each other.
The bus stop is even closer than from the old apartment — about 3 to 4 minutes. And you know how exciting it is to cook for BOTH the kids?! i didn’t realize till i had them both together, how much stress i was in that i didn’t have them both with me. I wasn’t able to make a home for one of my kids, while the other couldn’t also enjoy it. NOW, i feel like i can make a home for them both, and send them off into the big wild world, and they’ll have an anchor with me.
ALSO on the 12th, i got a phone call from the church office that is handling my annulment. Since it was over a month since i had submitted the application, i was thrilled to hear from them! Oh — when i submitted the application, i noticed that they had added a new fee that wasn’t there 3 months earlier – an ‘administration fee’. That was unexpected and i mentioned it to JB in passing. And he totally surprised me, by sending me a check for the whole amount!! i told him, if they don’t accept my case, then i’d return the money to him — $650!!! — and he said to keep it!!
Anyway – where was i? lol 🙂 You know – i started writing to you because i was feeling a bit impatient. And in writing the highlights of the last 2 months, i realize that there’s been a LOT of stuff happening! Why am i so impatient? I haven’t seen JB since April, and i know that’s one source of my impatience. BUT – it’s not like we are in limbo. Life is still swirling around us and tossing all kinds of big things at us. Two weeks back, JB lost his car to one of the unexpected floods. He was heading home from work — after who knows how long – and his car got caught in 4 ft or so of water and died on him. He walked the rest of the way home. He sent me a message when he got home – around midnight.
Oh — and JB has gotten more active on FB and he sometimes comments on my posts. It’s SO INCREDIBLY exciting when he does! It’s also fun to get messages from him in several different places – FB, email and whatsapp. Why is that so much fun?! lol 🙂 Ah, but i want to spend a day with him! last i saw him was in April! When i told him about the new place, he said he was proud of me. and when i told him how it feels to have both the kids with me, he said he finds all this to be very pleasing. When he says stuff like that, it makes me feel so good! i Want him to be proud of me! I think he’s the only man who’s ever told me that he’s proud of me! i don’t even know WHY he’s proud of me. I haven’t done anything yet. lol 🙂 but it makes me happy. And it makes me want to keep doing things that make him proud. Sigh.
I’m tired of waiting. I need to know the nature of JB’s interest in me.
Hi Heidi!
I hope you’re still here! i’m having trouble getting into this thread. I wonder if it’s because it is no longer a thread but a web. lol 😀
Heidi,
i feel like every time i login to post, i have a wild story to share. I’m honestly not making anything up! lol 🙂
it’s only been 12 days since you wrote to me. I wanted to write back right away and talk about your thoughts in the last paragraph there – about trusting your SELF. You’re the second person to mention it to me in the space of two weeks so i was curious about how it looked like in practice.
However, i didn’t have time to put my thoughts into writing. On the 11th, Friday, my son called the suicide hotline and got himself admitted in the hospital. I suppose i should refer to him as her, as he is transitioning. I’m working on it. At least they understand it’s not out of disrespect. It does weigh on me though, but i can never fully comprehend their pain and distress.
At any rate, i thought it was a HUGE thing that she called the hotline herself! It’s not easy to choose life, when you have no reason to live! I know what that feels like. So, that job that she liked so much — we don’t know if they’ll hold the position for her. I was stressed about that. I don’t want her to come home and find she’s lost a job she truly loves, because that will make it harder to fight the depression.
Last wednesday, we took public transport to CT — me and the younger one — to a clinic that does transition stuff. So, she has begun her transitioning journey as well. It was a 12 hr day. I was glad for the availability of public transport. But, it sure does take a lot of time to get from one place to another!
I don’t remember if i mentioned that i’d volunteered to do a proofreading assignment for an Ethiopian theology student, for his master’s thesis. I was paired up with another lady who used to work in Ethiopia over 20 yrs ago. We were both super stressed out with his paper because it was a FABULOUS topic and he didn’t do it any justice and it was EXCRUCIATINGLY difficult to not fix it so it sounded like it should! The stress over the paper kept me from putting in a steady amount of time into it each day, so i had to do a solid 6 hrs to get it to him by the deadline – which was yesterday.
My friend who was going to help me find a new car, slightly ghosted me. He got stuck with a night shift and i didn’t hear from him for 5 days or so, and i had just asked him if he’d be able to visit any of the sellers to see the cars with me, and so, i thought i’d asked too much of him. But i didn’t have time to think about it, because of my older one.
There are some cool things that keep happening that are preventing me from noticing any stress that i may be under. The day after My Older one got admitted, i told JB i felt like i had no right to be happy. And he said to me to just take each moment as it came, and to not label myself unworthy of happiness and good things just because my kids have issues, and that that kind of thinking won’t help me or the kids. In 3 sentences, he summarized all that i’ve been learning for the past year. and had promptly forgotten! lol 🙂 But, how did he learn all that? How long has he known these awesome secrets? I got super curious, but i had no energy to dig him up. Instead i wrote down what he said, on my arm, so i could read it all day, because it was SO INCREDIBLY SOOTHING! It made me think of all the different things i had labelled myself as unworthy for. And it reminded me of how much I’ve healed, because, the truth is, i no longer believe that i am unworthy. I just had a slight relapse, but it wasn’t deep. If it had been deep, i wouldn’t have been able to grab on to his words and pull myself out of it so quickly. I knew in my heart that every word he spoke was true. And that felt SO, SO, SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Then, last week, when i was sharing with him about my trip to the clinic with my younger one, he didn’t respond to what i shared. Instead he said to me: “Vino, whether you are aware of it or not, you are under considerable stress. Be careful.” I was completely blown away! I asked him what i’d said that made him think i was stressed out. I hadn’t said anything directly — he’d just been putting things together from the past several days. I wondered if it was true that i was under stress, and i started to remember, how had it had become for me to make decisions over the past several days. There was one day, where it took me over 15 minutes to decide whether i should make a cup of rice or a packet of something like couscous. it wouldn’t have made a difference which one i made. But it just bothered me SO MUCH, and i couldn’t decide.
Not exactly the right time to buy a car! But i don’t know why he told me to be careful. So, i’ve slowed myself down more, so i can pay attention to what’s going on around me. Like when i cross the roads. Since i’m walking every day, i do have to be careful when i cross. I haven’t cooked in weeks. Since i can’t decide what to eat, we’ve just been getting sandwiches at Five Guys every single day! lol 🙂 But i’m happy it’s all at walking distance. JB’s words had a surprising effect on me. My guilt of not being able to keep up with my chores disappeared! And i have been filled with an indescribable joy! I’ve never, ever, ever had any friend notice that i’m under stress and say something about it! There have been countless times, when i’ve been under stress and knew i was under stress, but everyone talked to me the same way that they always do, and never noticed a thing. For JB to be aware, even though he wasn’t even near me — it just made me feel SO SEEN!
And then, Yesterday, was a Super Cool Day! A random woman came to me in church and gave me a little card with a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus on one side, and a prayer on the others side. I’ve recently become obsessed with learning more about the Sacred Heart, so that was SO, SUPER COOOOOOOOL! And she also gave me a Rosary and she said she’d just gotten them both blessed. It felt like i’d gotten a little random gift from God!
Later that evening, i had a chat with my proofreading partner. When she was in Ethiopia, i hadn’t really gotten to know her, i just knew her name, and her husband’s name, and where they worked. She had seemed like a person who kept to herself and i wasn’t interested enough to get to know her. BUT, we got to know each other a bit over our shared project and since it was done and turned in, we felt a bit more relaxed and chatted about random stuff, and when the topic of family came up, i mentioned to her who i was married to. I thought she’d already know, because we had all been working in the same organization, but she had left for the US at that time, and hadn’t known, and she was surprised. The first words out of her mouth were: “I’m so sorry!”
I was completely surprised and SO CURIOUS! I asked her why she had said she was sorry and she apologized and said she didn’t mean to offend, and that she only meant he must’ve been difficult to live with. This was new to me. This was the FIRST TIME, that ANYONE had said anything even slightly negative about the ex! So i pressed her for more details. She said she didn’t really have any details, just that they had to work together a few times, and she had felt uncomfortable about him, and she had never, ever, trusted him. She told me her father used to work in the Inner City missions, and if she wanted to spend time with him, she’d have to go to the missions. Which she did. And she got to know many different kinds of people. in fact, the man who helped her learn to read was an addict, who used to be a principal! So, she’d gotten to know certain types of people, and the ex had triggered her gut in a negative way.
So, i’ve been mulling over this. It seems to be something Huge to me. It was information that i wasn’t looking for. And yet, there it was. Seemingly by chance. I somehow feel vindicated! Without knowing a single detail of my marriage, she automatically knew it was a very difficult, painful relationship! With all other people whom i’ve shared bits and pieces of my story with, i’ve always felt like i was painting a lopsided picture, because it was just from my side, and he wasn’t there to defend himself. And none of my friends, ever made me feel like i was telling the whole story. One friend is even holding out hope that we’ll reconcile down the road, when our hearts are healed, and get back together! How terrifying!!
So, to hear her say that this was an untrustworthy man, was just SUCH A DEEP relief! I lost so many layers of guilt – guilt for my thoughts and feelings of wishing my kids wouldn’t learn anything from him, guilt for little happy feelings that they don’t look like him, and feel closer to my family than his! guilt for wishing they will somehow distance themselves from him. Guilt for wishing i could protect them from him. I’ve beat myself up for all those thoughts and told myself that i was being blind to the good because of my hatred for him, and my kids were able to see the good, and that he probably had just as much good to offer them as i did!
No longer, am i going to punish myself for such thoughts and feelings!! Oh – you know what else she pointed out that NOBODY ELSE ever saw through? She pointed out how he was capable of presenting himself as a very devout, faithful Christian, and she wondered if that’s how he’d gotten under my radar, and i was totally floored. THAT, was the MAIN THING! I was convinced that he was closer to God than i was, and i respected him greatly for that reason. Of course, once i began to see how his life didn’t match up with his outer cover, i felt guilty for being such a judgmental person, because i knew i wasn’t 100% perfect either, so how could i judge him??! oh, it was so messed up!
I am So, So, SOOOOOOOOOOO Happy that God gave me the strength to get out of that mess! ugh! Oh – unexpected blessing from my new knowledge — i am no longer ashamed of how long it’s taking me to heal from that relationship!!!! 🙂 i can see that the damage was a lot deeper than i expected. More reasons to be good to myself and cut myself some slack and just watch what happens!
Have you seen those puzzle adventures that you can buy online, to solve together with friends or family? The latest one i found was on a site called PuzzlePursuits and i was very tempted to buy one of their packages. But as i’ve been pondering the events of yesterday, i feel like i’ve been given a custom-made puzzle pursuit straight from God himself! I’m marveling at the way he got me in touch with a person, in a seemingly random way, and she had an interesting puzzle piece for something in my past! This is just SOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOL! lol 🙂 I truly like playing with God! 🙂 I like how i have NO IDEA what this whole thing was about! lol 🙂 Where is it leading us? What else are we going to unearth?
I feel like i’m living my own personalized soap opera! lol 😀 I’ve never had so much fun in my entire life! lol 🙂
~~ vino
