[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

We really could have published a book by now between the 2 of us! LOL Perhaps, at some point, we can compile the highlights and offer it right here, for the subscribers, as a gift! lol 🙂 I think we’ve had some amazing conversations and opened doors and explored ideas that a lot of people don’t even have the time for! 🙂

I’ve had a MAJOR breakthrough moment this morning. I’m still reeling from the possibilities that it opened up for me! I cannot detail all the thoughts that led up to it, because there’s simply too many of them. ONE of the things that stood out in my thought process was an idea from Dr.Demartini — that our values (the thing we want in life) are connected to the void we’ve experienced in our lives – so we spend our lives trying to get that which we did not have while growing up.

SO — here is what shifted in me today — The HOLE in my Heart. My heart’s deepest desire, my eternal craving, my only void. The presence of a man.

I asked myself – WHY do i desire this man? What am i hoping to gain from his presence in my life?

This is when i started to see my secret garden — full of things i plant in it, hoping to grow the things i crave, getting upset when nothing grows, or when the wrong things grow. I also saw how i had uprooted a bunch of new things that are growing in me, because their growth is causing discomfort. I don’t like how the roots are getting deeper, and going into places that have lain undisturbed for centuries. I gave my uprooted plants to God. I hope they aren’t dead yet. I don’t know how to replant them. I also gave him the dead seed that i’ve been trying to grow into a man presence. This is something i’ve given into his care many times, but i never before, saw it as a dead seed.

This is when i remembered that i’m not even smart enough to look at a seed and know what kind of plant it will grow into! WHAT IF — all the things i picked up, thinking they are seeds, were actually just pebbles? WHAT IF, my desire is for an apple tree and i picked up a tomato seed thinking it would grown into an Apple tree? ALL Of the frustrations of my life suddenly began to make a LOT of sense! I have these desires in my heart – but i’m planting dead things or the wrong things! I have also been SO CONFIDENT in my knowledge of seeds, that i have convinced myself, if i can grow a man presence in my garden, I’ll get that Apple Tree.

And finally — WHAT IF — all those plants i uprooted — WHAT IF those were the REAL Apple trees – the things that my heart truly desires?! I believe God knows the difference between an apple seed, a tomato seed and a pebble. I keep wanting him to grown my pebbles and tomato seeds into an Apple tree! What a burden to place on a man to expect him to grow into an Apple Tree when he is just a man? What even IS my Apple Tree??!!

Anyway – this is where i am today. disconnected from a few old thoughts and ideas, and not yet sure what to connect to next!

Also – So men need to PRODUCE and women need to CONNECT. That’s the pattern you are noticing. — this is so perfect! Last few days, i’ve felt so disconnected and it’s been bothering me so much. Made no difference whether i got things done or not. I just wanted to connect and nothing else was making me happy.

The female side of ourselves has really been battered, beaten, tested and challenged with a patriarchal leadership for the past century.

I disagree with your thoughts on patriarchy. That’s not what suppressed my emotions. I think patriarchy restricted the external life of women, but not their internal. Women have always been free to exercise their emotional strengths. Yes, there’s socially acceptable ways to express those strengths, but those norms aren’t decided by males. The unfiltered spilling of your emotions all over the place is TRULY disgusting and weak, and immature. There’s a reason we respect someone who is in control of their faculties. It’s not a cultural thing and it’s not a male/female thing. Our bodies know innately what is true and good, and we support what is good. A person who cannot control themselves feels like a threat – regardless of what emotion it is that they cannot control – anger, sadness, even happiness! I have never been able to trust an emotional person, male or female.

I might write some more later! i feel like i still have a lot to say, but i’m hungry now. 🙂

~~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.

[Vino]

OMG! This is so funny! What a great story! Whatever happened to your friendship?

lol 😀 i haven’t written to him for a while — but he’s still there. Those first 3 years, he was assigned to work on things that had him on the computer a lot, so, he was able to respond to my emails every single day, sometimes more than once, and he was SO GOOD about reading every single word i wrote – and i was quite loquacious back then too! He’d highlight some thoughts and focus on those until i’d made myself clear. I’d never felt so SEEN, ever before! He never judged ANY of my feelings or reactions, but he never accepted the ones he disagreed with either. I got quite attached to his attention and then i got upset when i lost it for 3 days, only to find out he’d fallen, and broken his hip and was under sedatives, which is why he hadn’t been able to write to me. As soon as he was conscious, he actually CALLED me to let me know what was going on – NOT because he wanted me to pray for HIM, but because he knew i’d be going crazy wondering why he hadn’t written to me and he wanted to apologize for being unable to write to me. I was so embarrassed of how weak i was, but i continued to be weak, for 3 whole years. I was jealous of anyone else whom he mentioned, who had visited him or he shared something in common with – like music. I was sure that he liked his music friends more than he liked me. I would beg him to tell me why he was my friend and he’d say: “because you’re a human being!” and it made no sense to me. i was so afraid that if i said one wrong thing, i would lose his friendship. So i was trying to find out what the friendship was based on, so i could guard it. Those were my subconscious thoughts/feelings that led me to act the way i did.

He watched the way my moods tossed me about and at one point, he told me i could truly use the help of a psychiatrist, because i might need meds, at least temporarily, because all he could offer me was his friendship and his prayers. That’s how i ended up finding Dr Paras – whom i mentioned before. When she diagnosed me as bipolar, he wasn’t surprised – his mom had been bipolar and he recognized my patterns. Towards the end of my time with Dr Paras, when she told me that my additional, deeper layer of symptoms pointed to having been sexually abused as a child, that too, wasn’t a surprise to him. He said he’d wondered several times, from the things i’d said, if i’d had such abuse as a child. He was just, so attentive and caring and EVERY SINGLE message i got from him (some were quite lengthy!) – i felt so deeply loved. But the thing that made me cry was when i DIDN’T write to him for 3 days straight, because i was strong enough to go without his constant presence and i was having a series of good days one after the other. I got a message from him out of the blue and he said: “I haven’t heard from you for 3 days. Should i be worried?” I cried for 2 hrs before i could write back to him. I had never expected that anyone would think about me when i wasn’t in their face with an email or a letter or something. That’s when i knew i was worth being a friend to. He’d thought about me without me having to remind him of my existence.

I’ve actually been thinking about him a lot since i’ve moved – i haven’t had a chance to write to him and several of my other friends yet. He wasn’t in agreement with my becoming catholic. BUT – it was a little bit because of him that i became Catholic! lol 🙂 just before i started investigating the Catholic church, i’d sent a pain-full email to him, and he said: “I’m praying that you’ll know how much God doesn’t hate you!” And that was the first time i’d heard the flip side of “God loves you”. I totally fell in love with that angle and so i started to look for proof that God doesn’t hate me — and i found it. in the Catholic church. lol 😀 I’m sure i would’ve found him in the orthodox church too, if i’d felt led to go to one. I don’t know why God called me from the Catholic Church. At any rate. I know he prays for me and my kids every day. I wouldn’t have known him if it hadn’t been for the ex. He and the ex met in Grad school in TX and they were thick as thieves, as they say.

One was when I saw a grasshopper on my car. NOT NORMAL. I was in a parking lot at target and nowhere near a place where grasshoppers would be.

I got chills when i read this. Soon after moving into the new apartment, my son & I were at the grocery store. i got out and opened the back door to grab the bags and there was a grasshopper in my car and i said out loud: “Where did you come from?” and i coaxed it out so it wouldn’t be trapped in my car. Then i felt guilty for letting it out in a place that had nothing green, when i could’ve taken it back home with me.

So, what else is in you animal book? Yesterday, i found a dead snake on the road – what kind of snake gets run over by a car?! a slow car no less, it was in the driveway by the mailbox. And i also had a good reunion with the neighbor’s dog. I was just going to greet her and her human (they were on the balcony), but then she started getting super excited and my neighbor said: “I’m bringing her outside, she really wants to get closer to you. she doesn’t behave this way with anyone else.” So she came out and dog and I had some cuddles.

Well, those are my animal stories. What you shared about the deer, reminded me of a ‘dream’ i used to have when i was young. idk if i mentioned it before. But it was the words “gentle… new adventure…” that reminded me of old dream. in that one, it was a forest path that lured me deeper into the forest to explore. As my trust grew, i went deeper and deeper into the forest. AS i remember it, my trust grew over a period of time and that dream repeated till it came to an end that wouldn’t progress any further. The way it ended – i followed the path till i came to an old schoolhouse in ruins. On the second floor, was a boy, reading from a REALLY LARGE book. He was alone and i sensed that nobody had told him it was time to go home – so i tried to tell him he could go home but when i called to him, i had turned into a cat. A little black cat. I always felt that this dream was more solid than a real dream, because it’s details have never faded over the years and also – i’ve tried to add to the ending but i never could. It felt like i was messing with it’s integrity by adding my own desires to it. It’s like i was meant to be a part of it, but not control it. idk. It felt like a gift, it was so precious, it filled me with a deep gladness because i liked the forest, the stillness, and every little detail, even the boy i couldn’t reach. I was even glad for the sadness, because of how real it was. I guess that’s why i couldn’t change the ending to make it happy – i was supposed to soak in the sadness till…? Till what?? Till i met JB??!! I was sharing the dream with him – which i don’t normally do, but something he said reminded me of it and i started writing it to him – when i got to the end, the dream ‘dislodged’, and moved a little further — The boy heard the cat and left his book to go rescue the cat. But the cat remained a cat and didn’t turn back into me, and of course, the boy had NO CLUE the cat was talking or that it used to be a girl. He took the cat home. He was sure he was rescuing the cat. I am just as sure the cat rescued him. lol 🙂

Anyway – the deer had the same semi-solid feel of that old dream of mine. So, i won’t be surprised if i ‘dream’ of the deer again. What stood out to me was that we both reacted to each other in the same way – peaceful but cautious.

Another thing happened yesterday that affected me deeply. I read about a police officer in Hollywood PD who took his life hours after hearing his friend, another officer, had been shot. This was no weak man. He served a term as a marine, joined the PD when he came back, and rose through the ranks quite quickly till he got to Lieutenant. Received so many awards and was recognized by the neighborhood, and the PD and his coworkers and everyone, as an amazing leader. And yet, inside all that power was a very tender, fragile heart. I’ve thought of this often, as i’ve watched my kids too. And some time back, i wondered if God puts the tenderest hearts inside the strongest bodies to protect those hearts, and he puts really strong hearts inside smaller, and weaker bodies to temper their strength. It may not always work out that way, but i think, in a generalized way, it does. Men are more resilient on the outside and women on the inside. When men get emotionally attached, the become truly dependent in a very deep way. My mom has often said that she’s glad Dad died instead of her, because she knows he couldn’t have survived without her. And yet, he was the one who was always providing for her! isnt’ that odd? But, i think it’s true. She was his strength from the inside, he was her protective outside.

Another friend of ours who passed from Cancer, actually picked out the lady her husband should marry after her passing! She told her husband, he could try and be as brave as he wished, for as long as he wished, but to just let her go – and pointed him in the direction of the other lady who would be his strength. How was she able to look out for him when she was the one dying of cancer? She had a strength that he didn’t have. They’d been married over 30 yrs when she passed, but, like she said – he couldn’t do it without her. He DID marry the lady she picked for him! That’s how much he trusted her! i can’t think of anything more beautiful than that child-like trust that men seem to have. They’re just – just so — so in need of being protected!!! So when i read about this man, a powerful man that everyone looked up to and leaned on, because he WAS strong and reliable and all that — his heart needed the support and presence of that one friend!

Anyway – i went to bed thinking of the tender hearts of men, and as my head hit my pillow i heard: “YOU have a gentle heart.” and i froze. Was that true? Well – according to my theory of tender hearts being put in strong bodies — that would be true. I’ve always been stronger than girls my age when i was younger. My cousins grew up doing manual labor, carrying water, firewood, and whatnot and i did nothing, and yet, when we were together, i could carry water with them, as if i’d done it all my life. i rarely ever got sick and if i did, i got better real fast. But i’d never seen any evidence of my ‘gentle heart’. If anything, i’d been accused of being hard-hearted and emotionless, etc. My relatives on my mom’s side, were the ones who noticed my lack of emotional responses, because they are a very emotional family. So they called me a water-buffalo – because, apparently, the water-buffalo doesn’t respond to being poked and prodded by a anything, and it did it’s chores on it’s own terms. lol 🙂 So, they tried to get a reaction out of me. I preferred the company of the relatives from my dad’s side because they didn’t care that i lacked emotional responses. There were more men on that side of the family. Maybe that’s why there was less emotional drama. idk.

But, last night, i wondered what had happened that had made it unsafe and uncomfortable for my gentle side to come out? Wouldn’t that have been encouraged in a girl? I remember, how i just couldn’t react, no matter how strongly i felt. I couldn’t express how much i liked something, or disliked something. Nothing. It was easiest for me to express myself with my dog that i died some years back. He was my baby and i could touch him with all the tenderness and gentleness i wanted to. It was a struggle with my own kids! i didn’t love on them as much as i wanted to. IN fact, i was so afraid i would touch them the wrong way and wound them for life. idk where that thought came from. i was afraid of looking at them wrong too. now i know the difference, and when they allow me to touch them, i try to pack in as much love and tenderness as i can in my touch, to make up for lost time. JB’s is the only face i’ve ever wanted to touch.

Anyway – i’ve written a book again! But — i’m really curious about the thing you mentioned at the very end — “thoughts about their weight body…” — what do you mean by that? i’ve noticed that there are days when i ‘feel’ fat and when i don’t, and it has nothing to do with my scale. IN fact, on the days that i don’t feel fat, i am surprised when i don’t fit in my smaller clothes. lol 🙂 On the days when i ‘feel’ fat the pictures i take of myself are really unappealing. ON the days i don’t feel fat, there’s not a single bad picture that i take. lol 🙂 I’ve been trying to figure out if i can think myself thin – kind of like the parallel of the ‘think and grow rich’ book — i was like — if you can think and grow rich, why can’t you use the same ideas to think and grow thin? Think and grow pretty? think and grow anything?! i mean, why should there be any limits anywhere? Who has the right to draw limits? Certainly not another human being! IF it’s God who has drawn limits, then there’d be a logical reason why. But if it’s people who are drawing limits, then they have no right to, because we are all equal.

i guess i resonated a lot. lol 😀

~~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

I’ve been having trouble collecting my thoughts, if you can believe that. lol 🙂

One thing I would like to suggest as an experiment is to start asking men what they think are the best qualities of women. Since you are much receptive of men and their opinions, maybe they can start to help you see women through their eyes. Just a thought.

This is an ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT idea! Perhaps they can tell me some negative things about men too! lol 🙂 Actually – when i tried to come up with 5 positive things about men, i wasn’t able to do that either, because i can’t think of GENERALIZED Positives. For example – i cannot say: Men are more trustworthy friends – because I don’t even know if this is true or not. When i went through that period in my life when i lost all my old friends – i felt more betrayed by the women than by the men. It could be because they were all married couples and i automatically refrained from developing or expecting an emotional connection with the men. I’ve never had a whole bunch of single male friends’ friendship to test. The reason why i feel men are better friends than women, is based on my experience with just ONE man – a monk! He was my first true friend, and he stuck with all my insecurities and helped me understand that i was worth being a friend to. After that, i was able to build good friendships, with both men and women, but he invested 3 years in me, just being a friend. I annoyed him SO MUCH because every 3 or 4 weeks, a wave of insecurity would flood over me and i’d ask him if he was still my friend for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON at all! i just ‘FELT’ like he’d stopped being my friend, or that i’d annoyed him in some way. He finally told me that the only thing about me that is annoying is that i kept asking if he was still my friend. lol 🙂

Anyway. Other than that, i think my reasons for liking men more than women are simply because men are less annoying, and a lot more fun.

I can’t remember where I’ve heard this or even why, but I’ve heard it several times. 4am is the spiritual hour. I used to wake up at 4am every day and there really is something different about it. I wake up at 5am now and it’s definitely different. 4am is tough, but when I would do my spiritual/healing work, I always felt it to be very potent at that time!

This is really interesting! You are SO right that 5am is so different from 4am! I’ve begun to notice the differences in ALL the hours now. I try to tell what time it is by looking outside and ‘feeling the air’ and i’m getting better at it. Today, i recognized 11am! 🙂 Ok, that was probably a random hit, but i know 4am for sure! Two nights back, i had a most interesting experience. I had a fever, from my covid shot, so maybe that’s what it was. At any rate, i had to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and i felt like there was a deer in the room. She was just sitting there, peacefully chewing on her food. Do deer chew on cud like cows? idk. Her presence was so solid that i was surprised when i saw no deer. When i went to the bathroom, she followed me and waited outside the door. Then, when i got out, she walked back to the where she was sitting before and settled down again. I had no desire to go close to her and she kept a distance too. The next day, i could still feel her presence in the house. very odd. never happened before. i don’t know what time it happened – for some reason, i didn’t want to know, so i didn’t look.

I don’t remember if I’ve ever suggested this to you, but an incredible film/documentary you should watch is called Embrace.

No, i don’t think you’d mentioned it before. it sounds interesting. I don’t know what i’d do if had to fight against a beard. I’d probably just shave every day like a man does!

I understand your challenges of feeling overweight/hairy or whatever else it is you perceive about how you look to the rest of us. I fully believe that can shift, regardless of what your experiences have been thus far…and it can shift without you losing a single pound and still being hairy! People will start to view you differently when you start to view yourself differently. You carry some VERY intense feelings about who you are in this world, influenced by abuse. It’s a story that is changing every single day that you discover your greatness and your darkness and still see yourself as beautiful. Ester Perel (super famous psychologist) said “Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” I know you feel that about yourself on the inside. What about your outside?

There’s a bunch of stuff in here that i want to respond to!

1. “… what i perceive how i look to others…” — this is based on what people say about others, and what they have directly said about me. It isn’t made up. IF i look good to a man – i’ve never heard it.

2. People will start to view you differently when you start to view yourself differently. Is this really true? Perhaps to some extent, because, when i feel better in my own body, i am more outgoing and easier to be friends with and have fun with. BUT, if i’m fat, i’m still fat! I’m just a fun fat person and not a dead weight fat person. It doesn’t change my degree of attractiveness, as far as i can tell.

3. I know you feel that about yourself on the inside. What about your outside? For me, i find it very helpful to be real. As you know, i’m into experiments, which means i love facts and data and evidence too. I like to think my ability to collect data isn’t biased, but i know i can’t be 100% unbiased. In an effort to be more open to feedback, i have decided to receive ALL feedback from EVERYONE as 100% true. So, IF anyone tells me i look good in something that i’m wearing, I believe them completely. Now, some things, i see differently than they do – like a co-worker who seemed concerned about some weight that i lost – she thought i was sick — she couldn’t see that i felt better and thought i looked better – she just thought i was sick – which was really odd. At any rate – i felt good about the fact that whatever weight i had lost was noticeable, and let the rest of it go. (I have since regained all that weight, so there’s that too 🙁 )

Some 4 or 5 years back, i started asking myself a question, that seems harsh and heartless, but in truth, it isn’t. I’d write down how i was feeling, as accurately as i could, in as much detail as i could, and i’d even exaggerate if i wanted to, and then, i’d ask myself: “SO WHAT?” — this is just the shortened form of the question. The question acknowledges that all my feelings and experiences and thoughts are 100% true — and asks — So what am i going to do about it? And that helps me re-examine the whole matter from a slightly different angle, that helps me move, instead of getting stuck i the rut. Whining about something, keeps me stuck. So, even though that is one of my options, it’s a useless option.

In the case of my physical self – i have already whined about it long enough – so now what? What if i AM the ugliest woman on earth? How am i going to live the rest of my life? I know for sure, I am going to keep myself clean! lol 🙂 I am also going to eat healthy and even though i gain weight easily, i am not going to allow myself to get obese. I cannot change the shape of my nose, but i found out i COULD change the condition of my teeth. So i invested in those invisible aligners and now i like my teeth. I’ve decided i don’t like hair on my body, and it makes me happy to get rid of it, so, i will continue to spend money and time on that. I’ve also decided that i need to find out what kind of clothes make me look good. I always dressed sloppily because i didn’t think i had a body that was worth spending money on. BUT – if i can’t find any ready made clothes that fit me right, i’ve actually decided that i’m going to find myself a seamstress and spend money on getting myself clothes that fit ME. I already know what colors look good on me and what style of necklines, and sleeves, etc. But i still haven’t found clothes that are made in MY proportions and EVERY Single thing i buy, i need to make some adjustment on it – which i don’t have time for – so — i have a lot of nice clothes that i still haven’t worn, and it’s annoying.

I have good ankles. But i don’t know how to buy shoes that match my clothes. I never cared before – but i’ve noticed how the shoes really wrap up your outfit – and although i don’t want one pair of shoes for each outfit, i DO want to figure out what to invest in that will work with most of my outfits. These are all details that i never cared about before, and i don’t need to be pretty to pay attention to all these things. I’m not holding my breath on my ‘desirability’ changing in any way. i wasn’t desirable when i was younger so it doesn’t make sense to me that i’d be more desirable now. BUT – i AM a better friend now than when i was younger, so there’s that. I know that with every passing year, i’ll be a better person than the year before. That’s the part that i have control over.

~~ vino

[Vino]

I think what makes this particular quality more true for men and probably what was being referred to, is sex. Men are driven by sex more than women (generally speaking) so men will say, do, be whatever they need to be so they can get laid.

I agree with everything you’ve said – men take advantage of women sexually, and women take advantage of men in other ways – especially WITHIN a relationship. So, it’s definitely a human problem.

In all honesty, i don’t know what to think about men teaching and learning techniques of how to take advantage of women. Whatever those techniques are – they are only used on women who are desirable in some way. I’m not going to speak for other women, but these are MY personal reactions to what i experienced growing up:

I was taken advantage of by 3 men. Two were cousins and one was a friend of my parents. I am angriest about the adult. That’s all the male attention i got. I attracted some attention on the street. Usually it was about my appearance. I was either fat or hairy or both. Sometimes i got poked and my hair got pulled.

I had a really beautiful Greek friend – she was always whining and complaining about being catcalled on the streets. She was neither fat nor hairy, so i had no idea what kind of words were being thrown in her direction. But she didn’t like them. If they were positive words, like ‘beautiful’ or ‘gorgeous’ or even ‘sexy’ – then i don’t understand her pain. To me, i am the most undesirable woman on the planet, because men don’t say anything about my body, unless it’s negative. And, i’m only visible to creeps. That’s my reality. SO, on the days that i feel good about how i look, i don’t have any proof that i do, so it still feels like a figment of my imagination. If a man ever told me i looked good, i wouldn’t doubt him. When a woman tells me i look good, it means nothing to me, even though i thank her, it makes no difference, because i want to be seen by a man, not a woman.

So – while that part of my life is still in knots — there’s another part that’s unravelling! lol 🙂 In the last 4 or 5 days, i got super annoyed by 3 people – a random woman who wanted to give me advice on my business, my cousin, and a random dude from an Fb group. Something about each of my interactions with them got under my skin, and i just couldn’t respond to them in an openhearted way. So, i was trying to figure out how to re-position myself, so i’d be able to receive annoying people without annoyance. The first thought that came to my mind was: “Perhaps God is sending them to me, because they need someone to pray for them, because they’ve already annoyed everyone who knows them and nobody else wants to pray for them anymore. At least i can block them and still pray for them!” 😀

I actually entertained that position for a solid minute before realizing it was rooted in a great deal of arrogance and i don’t really want to exercise my arrogance. And i wondered if God was sending them to me because ‘I’ was full of anger and arrogance and needed THEIR prayers. This thought, went deeper, and opened a door i hadn’t noticed before.

1. These people had showed me i still had areas i needed to work on.
2. These are areas that my friends never bump into, and aren’t even aware they exist (especially my anger).
3. So people i love, and respect, whose advice i’m open to receiving, will NEVER be able to point these weaknesses out to me!
4. Annoying people polish the side of me nobody else can see, not even me sometimes!
5. They are an invaluable source of information (and feedback), if i want to become a well rounded person, polished on all sides.

Not exactly a pleasant door to open, because it just created a whole new room in my heart where i can put annoying people! And i cannot be ungrateful for them anymore! i’m still trying to figure out how i feel about this – it’s not a bitter feeling — but — it’s not as exciting as sharing time with friends — on the other hand, the fact that it’s a brand new place to explore with new lessons to learn DOES have an exciting element to it!! lol 🙂

BTW – i started doing an experiment — i wanted to find out what was so special about 4am. I’ve never woken up at 4am unless we were travelling somewhere and needed an early start. Today was my 6th day. i think there’s something magical about 4am! i’m still figuring it out, because it doesn’t make much sense. But, i’m waking up happy, and the only thing that’s happening at 4am is the fact that it’s 4 am! lol 🙂

~~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.

[Vino]

One of my very favorite things about you is how you are able to connect into the depth of what most would consider such “simple” things.

Thankyou, Heidi! It’s interesting that you used an example of a flower. When i was little, i spent HOURS looking at the flowers in the grasses. I was COMPLETELY fascinated by the amount of detail in these tiny flowers, that only botanists look at, that nobody plants in their garden, than no one knows thinks are worth naming. But they are SO, ASTRONOMICALLY beautiful! not to mention – INCREDIBLY strong, because they do not need to be pampered like the garden flowers. To me, they represent the multitude of people who are unseen.

I was tempted, but I was stopped. It has to be YOUR perception, not mine if it is going to feel real for you. lol 😀 yeah, i knew that would’ve been too easy. But, anything you told me, i would’ve put it through my wringer, and only accepted it if it was true to me. Your opinions, i would take seriously, but if it was any other woman, then i wouldn’t be able to listen to her negative opinions AT ALL. i would definitely be able to listen to a man’s opinions about men, because they’re men, so they know the inside scoop. So, i’ve heard from men, that a man is fully capable of taking advantage of a woman and he’ll see how much he can get with the least amount of effort. However, this is true of most people in most situations, so, i still don’t see how it’s unique to men.

I would totally defend a woman who is being stoned. It’s just a natural part of me that stands up on behalf of a person who is stuck in a place where they cannot wield their words anymore. I made many enemies in nursing school this way – because they couldn’t figure out what common denominator i was using when i spoke in defense of someone. They would gang up on each other based on where they originally came from, and religion — those two were the strongest binding factors. Socio-economic status was another one. I suppose there was a caste distinction as well, but since i’m not aware of castes, i couldn’t figure that out. For me, it was simple – i spoke on behalf of whoever had little to no back up. So, whoever i spoke up for, would be happy while i spoke up for them, but they knew i wouldn’t be ‘on their side’ ALL the time, especially if i caught them bullying someone else.

I’ve never had to defend a woman against men though. Once, the cops were called to our store, it involved a fairly new employee. I asked the manager for details and he refused to give it to me, even though we held each other in high regard, and he knew i wasn’t gossipy like the others. I wouldn’t have lost respect for him if he’d told me the details, and yet, the fact that he didn’t, increased my respect for him. Same has happened in other instances when i’ve asked a man for more details. They either protect the individual’s identity or they don’t share damning details. I’ve noticed one man gossip with the women, but i stay far away from gossipy situations in general.

Why not respond? Why not see if you can help shift her mindset into a higher perspective? I tried at first — including asking her to tell me all the things that she sees in him that makes him worth all the trouble he puts her through – and the ONLY thing she told me was that he was great in bed. I didn’t need any details of that. lol 😀 BUT, i was truly disappointed in myself, because i wasn’t able to keep a neutral view of him in my own mind. I only met him once – when he came to pick her up. it was the day my car tire went flat, so she mentioned it to him when he came over. He asked if i have a spare and i told him i didn’t. He said all cars have a spare, and asked to look at my car and he found my spare! And he changed the tire for me. The whole time, i felt super bad that i had all these pictures of the kind of man he is, that i couldn’t picture him doing a kind deed for anyone! Why had i allowed her complaints to influence my view of him?!

I find it so fascinating that you are so resistant to touch, yet you became a massage therapist! HAHAHA! If that doesn’t say something about you, I don’t know what does. This just made me smile and it is such a testament to your the beautiful strength you carry inside. I wonder what is going on here for you. Do you have any idea?

It was because of a client i had when i was a home health aide. She was an older woman, with one leg that wasn’t working well due to surgery, and i needed to help her get showered every day. The very first day, when we were all done with the shower and she was dressed and ready for breakfast (she’d been fairly quiet the whole time) — she finally said to me: “I feel so clean.” I assumed it had been a while since she’d had another aide, but she said no – she’s had many different aides, and they did the exact same thing with her, but she never felt clean. Over the time that i worked with her, i figured out what she meant. She felt free with me, she wasn’t ashamed, she didn’t feel humiliated, and a whole bunch of other things. I’d rub her stiff leg a bit, to see if we could awaken the dead nerves and she told me i’d make a good massage therapist. So it was on her word, that i looked into it.

That’s when i started exploring touch, and realized that i could tell how my feet needed to be touched and where. I tried to see if could read another person’s body like i could read my own. I could see how some forms massage are better than others – deep tissue being the worst and most damaging. When you touch someone’s body, their body needs to know that you mean no harm, otherwise it cannot relax. If it cannot relax, you make the stress spots worse, no matter how good your techniques are. SO – when i work on a person, i try to establish communication with their bodies. I think ALL human emotions can be communicated far more effectively through touch than through words. So, when i touch someone, I tell their bodies that it’s ok to rest, ok to let go, because it’s safe here. And then, i tell each part that i touch, how beautiful it is. When i come to a really stressed out part, i complement that part for how hard it’s worked to do it’s job and protect the other parts attached to it. In touching someone’s face you can communicate how much you appreciate them as a person, and it’s far too intimate for me. I can do it with children, and animals. Never done it with an adult, male or female. I’ve had men give me double the tips they normally do, because they felt something they weren’t expecting and were so happy. I liked to tell anyone who said things about my male clients that i knew how to make a man happy without a happy ending. lol 🙂 I went for a massage interview with this woman who was setting up a small office and the compensation she was paying was 4x what i was making at the spa. I worked on her back. She wasn’t impressed with my techniques. i wan’t able to connect with her body – because the intent of that ‘massage’ was to show off my techniques, not to create an hour of peace for her body. I could feel it, even while i was working on her, that my techniques aren’t what made me satisfy my clients. It was such a stark contrast!

i also, cannot satisfy anyone who has a preconceived notion of what a massage is supposed to feel like – like my mother! I took my time, working on her feet, and i knew i was touching them the way they wanted to be touched, but when i was done she told me i have no strength in my hands. She was observing technique instead of feeling my touch. My reluctance in receiving touch — idk. Other than in a professional situation – like a massage – i don’t recognize the intent behind a touch, so i do not trust it. So – hugs are ok – because they are usually meant as a greeting. BUT if they’re a second longer than what is acceptable as a ‘greeting’ to me – then i get uncomfortable. I won’t hug indians, because it’s not a cultural thing. So, for an Indian to want to hug, is a red flag. Ethiopians hug and kiss too much in their greeting, and i hate it. When they tell me it’s their culture and i have to respect it, i tell them it’s not my culture and they have to respect mine. The way they do it – start with a handshake, pull each other close, then kiss on one cheek, then the other, then back to the first. it’s usually 3 kisses. I try to escape with 1. There was one woman, who’d hold me so close that i couldn’t escape after the first, i’d give in for the 3 and then move back and she’d pull me in again. I HATE her with a passion. Tried to tell my mom why, but mom can’t understand. Now i’m older – I’m stronger – i can pull away from her. I also hated how she looked at me. My sister didn’t see her the same way. idk what i was picking up from her. Just SO MUCH unpleasant vibes.

Being touched by someone when i’m sick — too vulnerable. They need to be able to know how to touch you in a way that makes you not lose your human dignity, otherwise they leave you feeling ‘unclean’.

I can’t think of 5 positive things about women. lol 🙂 For me, it’s easier to ask my female friends to help me clean up my house. (or help me with stuff, in general). Not sure why that is. That’s the only thing i can think of! lol 🙂

Regarding women wounded by men – yes — there are many. But the nature of wounds caused by men and women are different. The strength of men is external, so the wounds they cause tend to be external, and then they seep in. The strength of women is internal – emotional – so the wounds they cause are from the inside out. A woman can destroy another person far more effectively than a man can – just a look of disdain – which i’ve mostly seen in women — is enough to hurt a child.

ONE more plus for women — they are self-sacrificing. They can tirelessly pour themselves out for those they love. 🙂

~~ vino

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.

[Vino]

Hi Heidi! I’m glad you wrote. i wasn’t able to login again. i wrote to customer service, but i didn’t even get an automated response that my message was received!! I eventually hunted down a back door, but this is the easiest one – the email that notifies me that you’ve responded! lol 😀 btw — i wanted to mention something about my membership here – soon after i subscribed to the membership, there was a package being promoted – and included in the package was free membership, endlessly! I immediately bought the package, even though i already had some of the items in the package. I too like the word/phrase “provided for” 🙂 and this is one thing that i feel was provided for me, because i desperately needed it. So, i value things that i get for free, as much as the things that i pay for, and although i know that it’s statistically true that people are more committed to things they pay for, it’s not at all true for me. I see free things as totally unaffordable for me, and therefore, value them as if they are priceless. The things i pay for, i paid for them because i was able to afford it, so they don’t feel like a gift. It’s the difference between being given a birthday present and buying something for yourself. It’s value might be the same, but when it’s given to you — there’s an element of delight or something, that you can’t create for yourself. 

 I wouldn’t necessarily agree with this particular comment in the sense that men are controlling BECAUSE women are trying to control men. You are putting the blame on women again and for how men behave. I agree – i place the blame on women. I’ve been watching a lot of videos by men who have been wounded by women. Some are compilations of tik-tok videos and IG videos posted by the women themselves. There’s a lot of ugliness out there. I came across a thought a few days ago — that the thing we reject in others is the thing that we haven’t learned to love in ourselves. and from a different video, i came across the thought that the reason opposite attracts is so we have a chance to learn to love what we do not love in ourselves. I don’t remember now, if both those thoughts were from the same video! i’ve been listening to too many! Then there was one from Jordan Peterson, in which he says it’s easy for us to look at the worst that people have done and say that we won’t do it, but that’s not true, because we are weak and fearful creatures, and we can easily get bullied into doing things that make our guts churn. All this combined together in my mind and made a interesting soup, that i’ve been sipping for a few days. Plus the question you gave me to work on – I thought you’d help me find 5 things, but you don’t want to! lol 🙂 

I know why i can’t find 5 things to say about me. It’s because i see men as individuals and i am incapable of making collective statements about them, because the exceptions jump out at me in forms of men i know. That’s why i pulled up the Red Pill men, because i don’t know anyone who is Red Pill, but i DO know many men who’ve been wounded by women, so there may be elements of Red Pill Rash in them. I see it in me. It’s so hard for me to take a woman’s complaint seriously, because women have been whining too much lately. And it’s annoying. Of all the women that i’ve worked with, there’s only two of them whom i take seriously, because i got to know their character. There’s a 3rd, i consider her a friend too, but she complains about her BF ALL THE TIME! i totally believe he’s a jerk, but she won’t leave him, so i don’t respond to her complaints. Obviously, she’s not in enough pain to change her life. So, i would NEVER talk to her about a man, not even the other men i worked with, because i don’t want to add more negativity to her already negative lens. And i can’t have a small matter with a man blown out of proportion because of their compounded negative experiences. It churns my stomach, when one woman complains about a man, and they all start ‘stoning’ him and all the men in their lives too. So, i never present a man to be ‘stoned’. I guess i got my message across, because i’ve never been included in female gossip. 
On the flip side, whenever i’ve shared a problem with a man, whether it’s about another man or a woman, or just me, they respond from a balanced platform of: “I’m only hearing one side of the story” – and they are able to help me work through my side, find my own strength in the midst of the mess, and they STILL manage to make me feel deeply heard, because they’ve taken the time to hear me out, and they know my heart, they know i’m not lying, they know i’m not exaggerating, they know i’m truly hurting. None of them are professional therapists. Some of them have been younger than me, so it isn’t age that has given them wisdom. Nor is it the kind of education they’ve had – one friend’s an artist, i don’t even know if he’s been to school at all, another is an electrician, another is in finance, many theologians, some cops, some teachers, some monks.. Most of them are white. But i DO Have one Ethiopian friend with whom i speak freely. It isn’t just men whom i’m able to speak to that i value. Most men are not good at speaking about things or listening. In fact, they’re like a deer in the headlights when faced with emotions- their own, or others’. Most men are action oriented. They SHOW you how much they care about you. I know how much my uncle loves me, simply by the way he says my name. I’ve never had a conversation with him! He just says my name, and asks if i’ve eaten, and asks if there’s anything he can buy for me. I love his wife, but he drives her crazy, because he doesn’t know how to talk to her or she to him. But i have the advantage that i’ve known him from the time i was a child, and know i can fully trust him. I think they’re doing much better now, after 30 some years. lol 🙂 

Anyway, all this to say – i’ve probably studied men more than i’ve studied women, and i’ve been drawn to the positives in men so much, that i can’t see much of their negatives. Except when it comes to an intimate relationship – in which case – i know i cannot be intimate with an Indian or an Ethiopian. I do not know the cause of this block, and i have no interest in losing it. It’s a defense mechanism of sorts. And i feel safer with it in place. there’s no logical reason to be able to have sex with all the men in the world. lol 🙂  So – i had a super interesting conversation with Kid2, that opened my eyes, and also hers and also Kid1’s when i shared it with him. I don’t know if they kids will remember it, but it was a profound moment for me. 

Me: Where did you get the soda? 
K2: At ALDI’s. 
Me: When did you go to ALDI’s? 
K2: The other day when we played D&D.
Me: Oh! Why didn’t you tell me you were going? I wanted to give you one of the cards i’d signed up for. 
K2 looks at me weirdly: ALDI’s has a card? 
Me: Yeah – i just signed up for one the other day, remember i was telling you about it? Their new store is really nice. 
K2: You mean Stop&Shop? But we’re talking about ALDI’s! 

The picture in my mind, was of Stop&Shop. And even though i heard “ALDI” and even repeated it, my entire response was based on the picture of Stop&SHop! We had a good laugh – and then we realized how hard it is to get rid of a picture that has planted itself in our brains, for no reason at all! 

So, i am aware that in spite of the fact that i pride myself on my ability to listen and observe with minimal preconceived notions, i have some super solid pictures in my mind that are blinding me to the truth. My favorite saint popped a question into my head yesterday — “How exactly do you imagine me to be? And men in general?” Immediately, i knew, that i had this picture of him, that might be the farthest thing from the truth. In my mind, he isn’t Indian, he isn’t Ethiopian, he isn’t Chinese. He’s not short and fat and unkempt. This question led me down a rabbit hole – and i ended up exploring my relationship to touch. (Because i wondered if i would be comfortable touching him and being touched by him). I have a very bad relationship with touch. I haven’t allowed my face to be touched by anyone. I tolerated a facial once, because our esthetician wanted to practice, and i absolutely abhorred the feel of her hands on my face. I can’t do a friendly arm on the shoulder (give or take), or holding hands or even touching another person’s arms, and only light, super-quick hugs.

K1 allowed me to hold him one day, when he was sick (usually he doesn’t). But i’ve never allowed anyone to hold me when i’m sick. Grosses me out. I can’t stand being touched when i’m uncomfortable. And i USED to be uncomfortable in my skin ALL the time, even when i wasn’t sick! I have the same revulsion to touching others. I cannot touch Indians and Ethiopians. It was fine when i was a nurse, because of the gloves/mask and gowns. But, it was an issue with my massage therapy. I was always in dread that i might have to work on an Indian. Thankfully, I only worked on one lady in my 3 yrs. (or maybe it was her husband? They were there for a couple’s massage, so it wasn’t a one-on-one. Anyway – there was one client i turned down, because he wanted an add-on foot treatement. I was having an emotionally weak day, and i had zero energy to deal with an Indian. I couldn’t explain to the front desk girl why i didn’t want to work on this guy. Just the thought of it made my gut churn. Told my fellow therapist and while i was working on one client, he made the receptionist cancel the Indian man’s appointment. I felt like he was my guardian angel that day. End of the day, the receptionist asked us if we’d seen the man’s files. She couldn’t figure out why we cancelled the appointment if we hadn’t seen the file – we looked and found out he’d been to two other locations, and the therapists weren’t able to finish working on him because of his creepy vibes. No details were written down, but whatever he did or said or exuded made  two other therapists unable to finish their work. Are all Indians like that? No. But MOST ARE. Those who aren’t like that, don’t go to spas! Tell anyone you’re a massage therapist and they have visions of sex workers dancing in their head. There was an Egyptian MT working with us, and he would never work on Egyptians! – for the same reason i couldn’t work on Indians! You understand the unspoken subtle wavelengths of the people in whose communities you grow up in. 

Anyway. This is how things are. I don’t know what will need to happen in order for my image of the ‘perfect white man’ to be made real. lol 🙂 
BUT – in all honesty, if it hadn’t been for the white men in my life, i would never have begun to heal, or continued to heal. They replaced in me what all other men robbed from me. It’s hard not to idealize them. 

~~ vino

So I might be extra strapped financially, but then someone buys me lunch. To me, that’s money just in a different form. I am being provided for.

i had a doctor’s appointment today. I was so hungry. They had a LOT more patients than usual and i was there for over 3 hrs. Some patients before me had ordered meals and they were gone by the time the meals were delivered. I saw the nurse giving one plate to the lady in the chair next to me. And a little wish slipped out of me, although i didn’t feel bad that the other lady had gotten free food. She was older and she was there with her husband and they both looked like they needed every calorie to stay alive. (Ok, i’m exaggerating.. but they sure did look old! lol 🙂 ) after about 5 minutes, the nurse suddenly came over and asked ME if i wanted some food that that a previous patient had ordered. I didn’t think it would happen twice in a row – but lately, i’ve been seeing LOTS of things happening twice. Once to alert me to it’s presence, and a second time to confirm it’s presence, because seeing something only once, makes me doubt if i truly saw it. Seeing it a second time, is enough to confirm it and remove every last shred of doubt. It was exactly two patients whose meals didn’t arrive on time.

Yes, things like this certainly make me feel like every Little thing is totally taken care of. It was THE Best chicken sandwich i’d ever had! Straight from Heaven’s Kitchen! 🙂

What affiliate marketing business are you starting? Meaning, what niche? Are you going to help connect people or something? I’d love to hear more about your idea! Who are you learning from?

FullStaq – Keala Kenai’s program. They’ve already set me up with a sales funnel and we practice with their product. We are free to promote anything we want. I’ll probably have two or three different things going – things that i myself have found of value. I cannot talk about things that i know nothing about! Ultimately, i want to sell my own course. I have a lot of good ideas that my kids and family and friends don’t need. So— somebody’s got to put it all to good use! lol 🙂 There’s two other things that also caught my eye but i’m working on getting this firmly established first. It was his mention of ‘clickbank’ that snagged me. I saw the affiliate links in the Clickbank site about 10 years ago and felt like i was looking at a tons of money that people had left lying on the street for others to find! I didn’t have the right support, mentally, emotionally, etc, at the time. now, the time is right. 🙂 everything i need is here!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Vino.

[Vino]

Now….to be fair, create a list of 5 general patterns in men that are also limiting and are the “shadow” side of men.

This is a good exercise! I can’t think of FIVE! lol 🙂

The only one i can think of is — Men seem to be oblivious to the impact they have on others. SO they can be quite insensitive to what’s going on around them.

I’m trying to figure out if the ‘RedPill’ mentality is the shadow side of male energy…? But i’m not sure – i think they’re just toxic, inspite of the fact that they have a lot of good ideas – trying to get men to focus on themselves and improve their lives — their attitudes towards women is toxic – they tend to USE women and try to control them. (which is in retaliation for women who try to control men — but that’s no excuse). They have such a deep distrust of women that they are not able to see women as individuals. So, they have completely written off being in a relationship with a woman, unless they are in full control all the time, but that isn’t really a relationship.

Ah – i thought of one more — men are generally non-confrontational so this leads them to not even try to work things out. So, if there’s a woman who easily falls into shouldering all the responsibilities and being a ‘mother’ – he just lets her. i deeply dislike men who have no spine.

I would say that majority of the population, both men and women, are very young. I can’t remember what organization determined this, but I remember hearing a statistic from some national psychology association that 93% of people in the U.S. live at an emotional state of a 13 year old. I laughed at that! I can totally see that! It’s rare to come across someone who has higher emotional intelligence, who takes responsibility for their lives, isn’t doped up on medications and they are actively growing/learning about themselves. So in general, my opinion is both men and women still have a lot of evolving to do.

I agree with this — i’ve noticed it too. I think it’s because people from older times had to shoulder responsibilities early on in their life. I am almost 50 and i don’t at all feel like, or behave like my age. There’s a part of me that’s still 12. And when i was raising my kids, i felt like they were my siblings, not my children. So, essentially, my kids have been raised by a 12 yr old. They themselves, still have a strong childlikeness about them. Thankfully, they are good children, so they are respectful and all that. BUT — they are still, very much children. Their cousins of the same age, who grew up in Ethiopia, seem to be slightly older and more responsible, because they’ve had to be.

On the flip side – i don’t see my children as lacking in emotional intelligence — and i am not either, so i’m not sure why they seem like children to me and not adults.

Today, i rearranged some pictures in my head and have a good grasp of how to order my life. I’ve always had trouble setting ‘goals’. Today, for some reason, the thought popped into my head — What if my goals are like trees in a garden? What would i have to do to take care of each tree so it bears fruit? Suddenly, my entire life has become a world of wonders! I wish i could paint! i want to paint this garden of mine. I don’t even know why garden analogies work for me, i’ve never been able to keep a plant alive! lol 🙂

BUT – gardening analogies are PURE FUN! Like the time i was thinking about how God made Adam out of dirt and suddenly i saw Adam as a walking garden! HOW cool is that?! You can plant things in yourself or weed yourself – we are all literal, magical, moving gardens, because we’re all made of dirt. lol 🙂

So, the current tree that i have to tend to, is my Money Tree. Last year, i wondered how i’d be feeling when i got down to the last month of having enough money. Well, it’s here. And i am feeling —- Just fine. I’m attending a business launch thing tonight, and tomorrow and the day after. I’m starting an affiliate marketing business. I’ve looked into other things in the last 2 years and even purchased several expensive programs, because i thought they would work for me. But i wasn’t able to ‘plant’ any of them in myself. lol 🙂

This one — when i saw the ad for it — what happened was different than picking up a seed. What happened was – it connected with a seed that had been buried in me about 10 years ago, and it got rid of the dirt and debris around the seed that had been silently sprouting in the dark all this time. So, i have this ridiculous confidence in me, that the time is right to invest in this. I’ve looked at a bunch of other things since, and i can SEE that they are good. BUT, they’re on the shelf. This is going to be my first one. Once it’s up and running, i’ll add other things to it.

I also know what kind of car i want. Suze Orman thinks a car is one of those things that you shouldn’t waste money on – that you should buy a good used one and use all the money you’ve saved for something better. I believe she is very wise. I have decided i’m going to buy myself a new car. i can’t even explain the feeling that i have. I just don’t want a car that someone else has already used. I don’t care how well they’ve taken care of it. I want my own new car. Not a boring white or black or gray either. It’s going to be pretty! lol 🙂 That said – i still like my old dying car, and just this morning, i was thinking – if the engine lights on it magically go off, i’m going to take it back to a mechanic to see if it can be fixed up! I’d love to be able to give it a total makeover – fix up the insides, paint the outside, and just keep using it for another 20 yrs or so. I just love the shape of it, the roominess of it, and — sigh. it was a good car. but i didn’t know how to take care of it when it was younger.

also – i’m totally obsessed with Dr Demartini. I found him through the marketing program i signed up for. I never thought an online business would introduce me to another AWESOME teacher of humanity. I love the way he can say SO MUCH in so few words! A sign of a true master.

~~ vino

[Vino]

36 seconds of PURE WISDOM!! https://youtu.be/Si8mFQa1pQM

[Vino]

For example, it’s low self-esteem when you say “who am I to create a class and sell it?” We all have areas in our lives where low self-esteem is a bit stronger, so that’s what I am referring to. I didn’t mean to make it a whole blanket statement about how you feel about yourself.

Ok – this is true, the self-esteem isn’t equally high in all areas. BUT – it’s changing, even in areas that i’m weak in – for example — i’ve always said that i’m a bad cook, because cooking is one of my all-time weakest areas and it was one of my biggest stressors. But, there’s changes happening in that area, and one day, i tried saying: “I’m a bad cook” and i couldn’t, because it was a lie! That statement has morphed into: “I’m learning how to cook.” And that is SOLID and TRUE, and it makes me feel good. So good, that cooking isn’t such a big stressor anymore. In fact, this afternoon, i had to make two trips to get what i needed for dinner, because i forgot to make a list, and i was able to do it, and still cook dinner And i’m not at all unhappy. lol 🙂

It’s very possible for someone to see you or your profile pics and be instantly attracted to you. It’s all about perspective. lol 😀 ok. i’ll accept that. BUT — i haven’t run into anyone yet, who has had this perspective of being instantly attracted to me. Now, that’s a fact, right? lol 😀

I’m saying that your relationship and trust in yourself is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your relationship with God. Wouldn’t you imagine that God wants you to feel about yourself the same way that he feels about you? In ANY relationship, whether spiritual or human, there are always 3 parts. There is you and your relationship with yourself, there is the other person or being and their relationship with themselves and there is the relationship together. Each aspect (separately) affects the whole.

This is true – you can only relate to a person as deeply as they relate to themselves. And in the WAY they relate to themselves. Like the two extreme cases of women whom i knew – who were from a different social background, and no matter how respectfully they were treated, they did not see themselves as equal to us and punished themselves by not eating with us, or not entering our home. I had absorbed their way of thinking, and when isolated that last year and separated it from myself — i changed a LOT! BUT — i wouldn’t know how to help THEM free themselves – they have to do the work themselves. So – yeah – i get what you’re saying – my relationship with me, and the way i see myself IS JUST as important.

Silly fun fact: two days ago, i read something interesting about the number 495. For some reason the article was written as if that number was a personality type and it said: “Such a woman can easily command a legion of soldiers.” I sat with that statement for a while and recognized a part of me that has absolutely no problem commanding a ‘legion of soldiers’. lol 🙂 I’ve been thinking about the kind of people i’m going to hire in the near future when i buy this mansion of mine – and it’s been making me think a lot about jobs and wages and such, because i’m not willing to work a minimum wage job OR a job that ties me too much to a clock. And, for some reason, I have always thought that EVERYONE else also thinks the way that i do – BUT – just today – i realized that’s not completely true. I think there ARE people, who like working FOR someone, and are perfectly happy with an hourly wage. Pretty much EVERYONE i talk to SAYS they want to work for themselves and set their own hours, etc.. but they don’t truly, truly, TRULY mean it! Anyway – those were some random thoughts from today. lol 🙂 i have an aunt who is good at bossing people around and getting things done. Actually, everyone in mom’s side of the family is like that, but i like this particular aunt’s style. She’s like a Queen. She tells people what to do, and she sits back, relaxes and watches what the do. She doesn’t stress, and fret and hover over them. IF they’re not doing things right, she yells at them from her comfortable seat, and just tells them to get their act straight and do their work right. My mom, would get stressed and get herself into it, to do it right. But not my aunt. She’s not going to get herself dirty anymore, she’s already done that in her young days. lol 😀 I think i might have her genes. lol 🙂

I will tell you though, you will always be limited in your healing and growth as long as you don’t face this energy about women. This gross and icky feeling affects you more than you think. Rejecting women is rejecting yourself as you are a woman. Rejecting women is also rejecting God’s creation. I know you may not be connected to fear, but fear is at the core. That icky/gross feeling is a feeling about safety, deep inside. You’ve never really explored this aspect, so maybe one day when you do, you will discover what’s really in there. At this point, it doesn’t sound like it interests you and that’s okay! I have a feeling that someday, you will be ready to explore this aspect about yourself. You are already doing some really good work.

Perhaps you’re right, that i’m not ready to explore this side of myself yet. BUT – this is the first time i’ve isolated the Icky/gross feeling. I had it clumped under distrust. I don’t feel like i’m rejecting myself as a woman, because i’m happy being one. I was able to isolate specific behaviors that contribute to the ICK — and i know all women aren’t like this but MORE women are like this than not.
1. their attitude towards men – they have no respect for men. They talk of men as if they are one more child to take care of. and they assume that ALL men are immature and childish. and they act as if relationships with men are a burdensome necessity – kind of like a job.
2. They have a martyr complex – they feel like they’re the ones who are holding the household together and if they don’t do it, nobody will. But they’re good little martyrs, sacrificing their own needs to be a slave to their children and their husband.
3. They jump to conclusions based on their own experiences and do not have the ability to listen long enough to understand that your experiences are different from theirs and you do not have the same issues as they do. So, they assume that you are also being a mother to your husband and that you are also a martyr, etc.
4. I truly hate how women behave like men are somehow pathetic because they like sex. and they talk as if sex is such a big chore, and they just want the men to ‘grow up’ and stop already.
5. They have no reverence for trust. I think trust is sacred. When someone trusts you enough to tell you, and show you who they truly are, that has to be treated with care and respect and never shared carelessly or taken lightly. So, talking about how a man behaves at home, or what their sex life is like, what his weaknesses are, etc — this is just plain ugly.

Most women i’ve known have exhibited one or more of these behaviors, and it causes me to not want to let them come close to me. Whenever i come across someone whose behavior triggers me, i ‘scan’ myself to see if there’s a similar thing in me. Not just at the moment – but as long as i can remember it, i use it as a test to analyze my own intentions and words and actions. #3 is the one that i find in myself. I have to really really shut myself down in order to be willing to listen to someone else’s experience.

I think it’s a privilege and an honor to built a relationship with a man and it’s an utmost compliment when a man fully trusts you. Men are not immature and they are not another child to take care of. They are totally full grown adults, and perfect partners for adventures and exploring life. Men have a deep and intrinsic wisdom, just like women do, and it complements the wisdom of women. Men are also very capable of building solid friendships and they are very loyal and respectful, and it bothers me when are considered to be ‘shallow’.

Anyway — that’s as far as i got.

I’m able to share things with you, because there’s a ‘wall’ between us – i don’t know how easily i could share with you face to face! lol 🙂 But also — the way you receive things is definitely respectful, and i wouldn’t share myself in writing with most women either. i always listen first – to how the talk about their own lives and relationships.

Tell me more about this! I don’t really understand. How you interpreted what she said is one perspective. I’m also curious how this triggered you and in what way. I understand it was an “ick” feeling. What would make you cut off instead of working through that and gaining a deeper understanding about your trigger. You seem very interested in facing things about yourself. At least that’s what I know about you here. Maybe back then, you weren’t quite ready for that level of depth. Just curious.

I have strong boundaries with women, and she got too close. I started to notice them more when i got stronger, and i felt she was crossing the professional lines. She had a great deal of respect for me, and she started to see me as a friend. I’ve actually considered getting back in touch with her, so i CAN be friends with her! But at the time, i was her patient, and it was important to me, not to smudge professional and personal spaces. There were a few things she did that i thought were off: 1 – she got too emotionally invested in me. She thought she could talk to the ex and tell him how to treat me right. i told her he wouldn’t listen to her, and if she truly wanted to involve him, it MIGHT work better if he accompanied me to one of the appointments, BUT – i didn’t want him to do that, because i didn’t want to share my therapy space with him. She called him anyway. It didn’t go well.
2. I had a super bad day once and i called Fr M. Later that week in mentioned it to her – and she told me i could’ve called her too. I told her i needed a friend at that moment, and that’s why i called him. And she couldn’t understand the difference.
3. One day she was real tired and she wasn’t able to listen to me and she spent some amount of time talking about her life, her puppies and the things that are stressing her out. I understand being tired. I think she should’ve re-scheduled my appointment instead of taking my time with her stories.
4. Her comment about mothering made me feel extremely uncomfortable – and it almost sounded to me like she was offering to mother me the right way, so i could experience positive mothering. Those weren’t her words — but that’s the sensation i experienced when she said it – because i responded with — “I’m an adult now, i don’t need a mother anymore.” — so, it’s entirely possible that she triggered something in me that caused me to completely misunderstand her — but i didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. you’re right – i wasn’t strong enough for that level of depth. If i felt threatened, i ran. I didn’t need more stressors and drama in my life.

I think i’m going to find out where she is, and invite her out for some tea! i have good memories of her energy. She’s a good woman. I’m glad our conversations brought her back to my mind. 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

I’m confused, so maybe you need to explain this a little more for me. You say you are lenient with yourself YET in the same exact sentence you believe it’s “wrong” to be kind to yourself.

OOOPS! lol 🙂 I didn’t proofread. I should’ve said: I USED to always think it was wrong to be kind to myself. When i got my divorce, it was the first time i stood up for myself. I decided i was worth protecting, no matter what anybody else thought. There wasn’t a single person i knew, who supported my divorce. Of course, i never shared the details of why i wanted to divorce, but they didn’t trust me enough to know that i wouldn’t have gotten a divorce unless i’d exhausted all other avenues of reconciliation. So, when i made the decision to get the divorce, i was fighting against 40+ years of living as if ‘i’ didn’t matter. it started as others treating me like i didn’t matter, and i continued to do it to myself, because i didn’t know any better. IF a man, hadn’t come alongside me and proved to me that i was worth being a friend to (my monk friend who was actually the ex’s friend, Fr M) — then i might still be in that marriage! But, even he wanted me to work it out if i could. However, when i asked him if he’d stop being my friend if i got divorced, he said, No. He’d always be a friend, no matter what i did with my life, because only i know what i’m truly experiencing and no one else can make the right decisions for me.

Anyway. Wouldn’t you say that oppression is about making yourself small. Smashing down your greatness, making yourself less than. You have made SEVERAL statements over the past few posts talking about how you are less than everyone and everyone can always do things better than you.

I don’t know if i can explain this very clearly. I see a difference between stating a fact and making myself small. For example – if i told you i am ugly and don’t deserve to be loved, that would be a total lie and i would be putting myself down. But to say that i am not as good at someone else at something, like cooking, or to say that i’m not as pretty as my sister, is simply stating a fact. And just like i am not attracted to all men the same way, i know that all men cannot be attracted to me. That’s just reality, it’s not a lie. I don’t make heads turn, and no one will fall for the pictures on my profile. I’m the kind of person that one needs to get to know over time, and only then will i be attractive to that person.

When i first started writing to JB, i was very insecure about my looks. I played out scenarios in which he’d meet my family – and i was uncomfortable – because i felt like he’d look at my cousins and my sister, my classmates etc, and feel disappointed that he’d met the least attractive Indian woman on the planet and that he’d lose interest in me because he can easily find someone more attractive.

If you TRULY believed how wonderful you are and how valuable you are in this world, to EVERYONE, then you wouldn’t be surprised that someone would come for a visit to see you. It’s not true that i am valuable to EVERYONE. I was surprised because it was the first time i had experienced it. I didn’t refuse it — by saying things like: “OH, you shouldn’t have!” I accepted it. I said – “Thank you, this is an awesome gift you’ve given me, and it means a lot to me!” Also – i think it’s entitled and arrogant and wrong to expect people to do things to make me feel special. Even if i’m the Queen of some place, nobody is under any obligation to do anything for me. I enjoy gifts that are given freely, whether they are a special visit, or a refrigerator magnet.

It seems like you can receive God’s love, but you are not able to BE God’s love. Meaning, you can receive it if it’s coming from him, but there really is not a lot of self-love.

I’m afraid i don’t understand this. How does self-love look like to you? I think i have plenty of self-love. For example – today was one of those days that has ended with nothing to show for. And i’m not beating myself up about it. I take care of my body and of course, my hair! lol 🙂 and i invest in myself. I don’t think i’m too ugly to wear good clothes and shoes (I used to). I believe i deserve to look good, even if i’m not a model, and i carry myself so. I still don’t know what kind of clothes to invest in that will make me look like a million bucks, but i’m working on it. I might even hire a seamstress, because i think i’m worth the cost. These are all things that i would never have done for myself before, because of the cost. And also, because i used to feel it was arrogant and pompous to put so much effort into ‘looking good’. BUT – this is something that matters to ME, so i don’t care what others think. I will spend time and money on doing what matters to me.

God can love you as much as you want, but that doesn’t change that YOU have to be able to also see yourself through God’s eyes and see your greatness. It seems that is a missing piece here. This is True! I have always prayed that i’d see OTHERS through his eyes, but for the first time, two days ago, i started to pray that i’d see Myself, through his eyes. IF it is greatness, i’d need confirmation through others, because otherwise, i’d be one arrogant a-hole. lol 🙂 I used to think i was awesome. it comes with the superiority complex. The thing with these complexes is, they also have a flip side, which is an inferiority complex. Both are lies. So, somewhere between or above or below these complexes, lies the truth. And THAT is what i want to see. The truth has to feel RIGHT in my body. i have this theory that our bodies can detect lies, whether it’s from others or from ourselves. So, whatever ‘greatness’ is in me, has to be as authentic and indisputable as my curly hair.

Why not have trust in yourself as well. God can provide, but YOU have to be the one to take actions and actually go through the situation, so having trust in yourself is crucial. You think you can’t be hurt in what area? With women??

Explain to me what ‘trust in myself’ should look like. To me, trusting in myself sounds the same as trying to heal myself when i have cancer. It’s stupid. I know that when i rely on God to provide for me, i can face ANYTHING and Do anything that needs to be done.

I think i can’t be hurt emotionally – because i know how to heal from emotional hurt. It doesn’t mean i won’t feel any pain from it, just like breaking a bone will always hurt, not matter how many times you’ve broken a bone. BUT – i also know that the steps to heal – so i will never be trapped in emotional pain again. And knowing that this can never trap me again, makes me feel like nothing can truly hurt me in this area.

If you don’t connect to women emotionally, then wouldn’t you say there is a “wall” there? Wouldn’t you say that there is a “block” of some sort preventing you from connecting with the majority of the human race? This statement you make is full of fear, from my viewpoint. Walls or blocks of any kind are about protection. There is a fear of being hurt, so a wall goes up so you can protect yourself from being hurt.

Yes, there’s definitely a wall between me and women. I think it’s like an amputated limb that has healed. I feel no need to grow it back, because i’ve learned how to function without it. Am i full of fear? to be honest, i don’t know. it isn’t a fear of being hurt – it’s something entirely different. It’s an icky feeling that increases when a woman gets too close. It feels sticky and uncomfortable, and gross.

it happened with a psychiatrist that i was seeing some 10 or so years ago. She was SO incredibly brilliant! I was afraid of doctors at that time. But FrM was worried about me, and told me i would benefit greatly from seeing a psychiatrist. SO, i booked an appointment with the first person who was available, because i didn’t know how to pick one. the only decision i made was that i wouldn’t see a male doctor, because i didn’t want to get emotionally attached, because i was in a very vulnerable place. SO – she said she does her own talk therapy as well, and i told her, whatever meds she put me on, the goal was to get off of them as i learned more techniques of how to handle my issues. She was good with that. And we had a solid relationship for about 3 yrs. She tried to work on my woman-issues too. Perhaps she felt slightly offended that i couldn’t trust women, idk. I quit going to her because she made me feel uncomfortable when i got stronger – she said something that was such a totally ICK feeling — something like — “The reason you have such a reaction to motherhood and mothering, is because you haven’t experienced a healthy mothering.” For whatever reason, i felt like she was suggesting that i should experience positive mothering and i freaked out and i cut ties with her soon after. I was mostly off meds by that time anyway. She’s still a good doctor and i would recommend her to anyone.

If you are THAT numb that you can’t connect to other women, then that just tells me how wounded you have been by them in your past….enough to cause you to not feel anything (being numb). What are your thoughts on this?

Yes, i’ve been wounded by women. Mostly on an emotional level. But i think there was some physical/sexual stuff too, when i was 6 or so. I have no memories, just recurring dreams (which i haven’t had for years now) — and the Doc told me there’s no such thing as ‘recurring dreams’ and that i was replaying memories. Once i shared all my dream-like memories with her, it seemed to have lost it’s hold on me.

I mean, why not tell a woman at your work about JB? What’s so bad about that? It allows another co-worker to know you a little more. Is that so bad? The way women respond to each others’ relationship stories makes me feel ICKY. I’m afraid i don’t know how else to explain it. It doesn’t feel good to talk to a woman about my relationships. I can talk about my relationships to my kids, my parents, my siblings, etc etc. Everything actually. Except for my relationship with men. i feel like that’s way too private, and i’m happy for this forum that allows me to talk freely about this because it’s just way too uncomfortable in person. I’ve noticed a shift in the way they look at you and talk to you when they think you’re interested in a man, and it intensifies when they KNOW you’re interested in a man. I don’t like being looked at like that.

i would’ve been able to tell Reeta about it. So, you’re right, i DO know what it’s like to trust a woman – i just don’t feel the need to connect to another woman, and i don’t feel the need for the women in my life to know a little more about me – not in that area anyway! it’s too precious of a space for me, and i feel like their presence will spoil it in some way.

~~~ vino

[Vino]

I love though, that at the very least, you found how valuable words are for you and it brought more into relationship with prayers that DO resonate for you.

yes, it DID show me the power of words. And many people are using it without the depth of it, and still finding value in it. That, to me, shows me the power of the words, even if they appear to be weak on the surface.

You are incredibly oppressive towards yourself, yes? Actually, no. I’ve always been very lenient with myself, except that, i’ve always thought it was WRONG to be kind to myself. i DO have expectations of myself, but none that i feel are oppressive. When something feels oppressive, it weakens me. For example – when i try to lose weight – i don’t set a time-frame within which to reach my goal, because, attaching my success to a clock feels oppressive to me. I look at my progress, and celebrate each little change – like the subtle changes in my psyche that i noticed a while back – that i am happier when i have done more physical work in a day than when i haven’t. And this, to me, is great progress, because when i start feeling fuzzy in the head, i know that getting up to move, will make me feel better!

The thing about your friend is she is NOT a victim. She CHOSE to stay. She CHOSE to be abused.

If this statement is true about her, then it is also true about all people who have suffered at the hands of another. So, basically, it means, there are no victims, because those who are being abused in some way are choosing to be in that situation. If it is true that there are no victims, then it must also be that there are no oppressors. If there are no victims and no oppressors, it follows that there is no injustice in any situation. IF there is no injustice in any situation, there is no need for courts and there is no need for setting things right, because nothing is happening against anyone’s will.

Is all this true? IF all this is true, then why should anyone care about anyone else’s suffering? And would it mean that there’s no right and wrong way to treat another person? That it’s perfectly acceptable to abuse a child, to rape, to steal, to murder, to bully, etc etc etc, because those who are on the losing end have chosen to lose?

To me, it isn’t true that she is not a victim. The closest that this statement can come to being true is in this country, because there is SO MUCH support for people who wish to get out of their abusive situations. Without support, it’s impossible to get out of an oppressive situation, unless you are willing to lose your life in the process of standing up for yourself. In the case of my friend, if she’d had a safe place to go to, that wouldn’t have put her child or any of her family members in any kind of danger, she would’ve gone immediately. She’s not a masochist. The lack of support is a cultural thing. Therefore, i said the culture is oppressive. In order to change a culture that’s been around for 1000s of years, it’ll require a LOT of support. The reason, i myself have been able to break out of it is only because of the advantages that i had – i was taken out of the culture, and shown a different way of life, which was full of freedom. Not everyone who got taken out of the culture fell in love with the freedom that they saw. Or maybe they didn’t see it the way i did. For me, it would’ve been worth my life to gain this freedom, so if i had had no choice about where i lived, and had ended up living in India or Ethiopia, i would’ve been the most unpleasant person in the world to live with because i would’ve been doing things my own way, with no regard for the cultural sensitivities of those around me. It wouldn’t have bothered me at all to make more enemies than friends. Now that i think about it, i guess that’s what happened for real. lol 🙂

So – this is the only country that allows me to live as freely as i wish to live! (unless PC culture takes over – in which case – i might end up making more enemies than friends here too!) Even here, i Do think there are victims, because there is a lot of murder and violence, and the people who are dead or maimed are NOT choosing to be dead or maimed. BUT – there are definitely a TON of people who THINK they are victims, but aren’t – and THEY fit the statement that you made – that they are choosing it. There was the lady who did the flower arrangements and she was always whining about the demands the manager was making on her. I asked her countless times, why she doesn’t just tell him what she’s able to do and what she isn’t able to do, but she made excuses. She even blamed him for not being a good manager. I told her he’d never refused to listen to me, and asked if she’d actually told him the things she had told me, in the exact same way as she told them to me, and she hadn’t. SO, i stopped listening to her complaining about him. She was choosing to be in the situation that she was in. Same with all the domestic violence cases in this country in which police are called in, they go, offer help, but the woman chooses to defend her abuser and even stay with him. Such women, aren’t victims anymore. They had a way out, and they chose not to take it. I have no sympathy for them.

Maybe look into this a little more? Maybe look into your hatred toward that culture and see what is in you that acts the same way. I’ve actually done this a lot, and i found it quite helpful. All of my judgmental attitude towards people comes from this cultural way of thinking – the way of seeing some people as superior and others as inferior. Some time back, i had to separate people from their culture so i would be able to see them as equal instead of lesser or greater. i did this to help me not get triggered by the Indians i run into every once in a while. However, they themselves haven’t done the same work, and i am keenly aware of their judgmental looks, words and actions. I think they do it subconsciously and don’t have a clue what they are doing, so i create enough mental space between them and me, so when i talk to them, i am able to talk to them in the same way that i would be able to talk to a white person. But, in all honesty, the only indians that i’ve been able to connect to authentically, is the poorest of them, the laborers, the farmers, the uneducated.

The thing is Vino, there is no competition. There will always be someone working harder at something than you are. That’s true for everyone. It doesn’t mean that what you do has any less value. You are basing your value in this world on “performance” (which is the divine masculine energy) vs. basing your value on this world by just “being yourself” (which is the divine feminine energy). You ARE enough just as you are. Even if you fail, you are enough. You are enough to recover, to be resilient, to learn, to grow, to become more. YOU ARE ENOUGH not based on anything other than you just ARE. That’s how God views us. We are loved and valued JUST BECAUSE we are his creation…nothing more. If we can actually love ourselves in the same way, then comparing/competing wouldn’t need to happen. We are giving our best in any given moment and some days our best is really awful and some days our best is pretty spectacular. It’s ALL good, right?

What you have described here is the ‘ideal’ and it doesn’t exist. Performance is a necessity. Nobody is going to pay you if you don’t work, just because you’re female and your value is in ‘being yourself’. Even if it is work you have chosen yourself, you’re not going to get paid for it, unless you’re good at what you do, AND – if there are others who do the same thing, there is automatically some degree of competition. And even if i’m not working at all, for money, but am just making a home for my children – even that isn’t going to just happen, just by my being myself – i DO have to perform! And i might be a good homemaker or a bad one. My children might be well-fed and healthy and stable, or they may not. Isn’t that the result of performance? Plus, don’t we have both masculine AND feminine energy in everyone? i see my value as being present in my growth. If i am not growing, i’m like a seed that was planted and didn’t sprout. Or, i’m a sprout that remained a sprout. Or i’m a full grown tree, with only leaves, and no flowers and no fruit. Whatever stage of life i’m in, there has to be growth in me, otherwise i’m becoming more and more useless. Except for firewood, i suppose — an example of what not to be! lol 🙂

It IS true that we do not need to perform in order to be accepted and loved by God. But, i believe that my ability to grow and heal is rooted in Him, not in me. My strength also comes from Him, and this allows me to handle situations that i wasn’t able to handle before on my own strength. I am human. I have limits. But He has no limits. To me, being connected with Him makes me limitless too. And it also makes me more beautiful, with good curly hair and all! lol 🙂 I agree with your last statement that we are always giving our best, and some days our best is spectacular and other days, it’s terrible. This works in a healthy relationship, but it doesn’t work in the professional world. A surgeon who is spectacular, has to be spectacular at all times, or else there’d be as many dead people at his hands as healthy ones. And that’s not at all good!

You are competing again with this statement. How come someone’s teaching has to be “better” than what you know. There are PLENTY of people that I have learned from that know far less than I do and know far more than I do. Everyone is a teacher to me. I don’t compare whose information is more or less than me, I just take in information and see if it works for me or not.

This, i cannot explain. I too, have learned from many different people, but it has to be my choice to learn from them. If it’s forced upon me, i cannot learn from them, no matter how good they are. Or if they force themselves upon me – ‘i’m your mother, so i know better’ – is one of the attitudes that prevent me from learning from someone. Experience matters to me – i cannot learn from someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience. I might be willing to listen to them if they’re not full of themselves, but i prefer to learn from someone who has had a few experiences in life. Race matters to me too! Some people are not able to learn from those of a different race, i am not able to learn from someone of my own race. Oh, gender matters too! I’ve never understood why girls need to read about successful women in order to be successful themselves, but then, i noticed that i am more inspired by men than i am by women. So, i have the flip side of the same block than they do.

In the meditations yesterday, i read about St Vincent de Paul – and he did a lot of work for the poor, but he also pointed out that there’s a right way and a wrong way to help others. IF we have attitudes of judgement or superiority towards the people we’re trying to help, it makes them feel small or ashamed. He’s quoted as saying: “It is for your love alone that the poor will forgive you the bread you give them.” I really like this. People thing that giving is giving, that there is no difference, so you should be able to receive in the same way from one as from another. But this has not been my experience. I KNOW what it feels like to feel small and ashamed. I just never connected it to the hidden attitudes of the giver before, not in this way.

This meditation made me think about all the situations in which i felt ‘small and ashamed’. And i remembered, how i have always been (and still am) – ashamed of how i got my American citizenships. I got it easily – because i married an american – just had to fill out paperwork and the citizenship was mine. I’ve always felt like i should’ve been able to get it on my own, and i’m ashamed that i got it through marriage to the ex. I realized i wouldn’t have been ashamed if i’d gotten it through JB! so, it’s not the marriage part that makes me feel ashamed but the WHO i was married to. I don’t know how to get rid of it. I wish i’d been able to come here on my own merit. Yes, it makes me feel like i wasn’t good enough to be an american without that person in my life.

So really, humiliation doesn’t need to exist. ideally, yes. And yet, it does exist. So i am always careful of the thoughts and attitudes in my heart, and especially my intent. If i’m not watchful, i could make someone feel humiliated, even if all i’m trying to do is ‘be helpful’. Is it their responsibility if they feel humiliated? Yes. But IF i’m the one who knows how these feelings and emotions work, then i’m responsible too.

It’s not about trusting “other.” It’s about trusting yourself. The reality is, man or woman, they will hurt you, right? WE are all human and will hurt ourselves and others. SO the point is about instead staying empowered and trusting in YOURSELF that no matter WHEN that person (male or female) hurts you, you will be okay. You are resilient, strong, resourceful and valuable. So no matter how someone else behaves, you KNOW you can heal, forgive and move beyond the hurt. It’s you and God. You have a strong relationship and trust in God, but the piece that is missing is your relationship with yourself. You are doing some beautiful work in this area though. It’s a very layered and lifetime process, right? Women are reflective of how much you don’t trust yourself. If you TRULY trusted yourself deeply and unconditionally you wouldn’t feel like you needed to protect yourself against them, right?

There is much to think about in here. I have made the journey from being afraid of getting hurt to the place where i know i can recover from any kind of emotional pain, so there’s no more fear of emotional pain. And, it’s not ‘myself’ that i trust, but God, because i know that no matter the situation, He will supply me with all the resources i need to heal. In fact, i’m so sure of this that i feel i can’t even be hurt in this area anymore.

So putting your “trust” in someone outside of yourself is a bit of a illusion. Trusting someone else will behave in a certain way that feels okay for you…means you are believing that person will behave in that way all the time. They may or may not. Who knows.

Trusting someone doesn’t mean i expect them to behave in the same way all the time. That’s flawed, because people change, and also, i don’t know anyone 100%, not even myself! So, 100% reckless trust can only be practiced with God. And here too, it won’t work if i’m going against God’s will for my life, so i have to be careful, that i’m trusting Him for the things he says i can trust him for – and healing is one of the things i can trust him for. Renewing my strength, filling me up with love and forgiveness, giving me wisdom, and for always being there for me, even when i’m being a total failure. And the way i trust people – for example – i trust my family members. I know they won’t do anything to take advantage of me financially. I know they will love my kids and take good care of them. But i cannot talk to them about the things that are close to my heart. so, i can’t talk to them about JB. I trust JB more than i trust them, because i can tell him everything – except that i can’t talk to him about JB either! lol 😀

Also, i don’t connect to women emotionally, so they can’t cause me emotional pain to start with. Only men can do that. So i tried to think of what exactly i am protecting from other women? They cannot destroy what they don’t have access to, so what is it that i feel like they have access to?

The feeling that came up is that they can take away from me the things that i value the most. I’m still trying to figure out what & how? i know that no woman can steal my children’s affection from me, so it’s not that. Perhaps i’m afraid that IF i have the love of a man, then, they can steal it from me? That is more of a possibility than the affection of the children, but i don’t have the love of a man, so i don’t know if i’ll be afraid of losing it to another woman.

There WAS something else that came up from the mediations today — to story was about Jesus, going to Jerusalem, and he was passing through Samaria. He sent some disciples ahead of him to make preparations but when the samaritans in that village found out that he was staying there on his way to Jerusalem, they didn’t want to host. And i was wondering about that, because a part of me felt like the reason they didn’t want to host is because they were offended that he was only visiting with them because they were on the way, and not because he was making the trip solely for them. Could that be true?

i thought about all the times that people have visited me. But, since i grew up being so far away from everyone, there’s never been a time in my life when anyone has ever made a trip Solely for me. And that’s just the normal way of life. When i plan a trip, i try to visit as many people along the way as i can. ‘i’ would feel offended if someone had come to my area for something or other, and not contacted me. ONLY ONCE have i been the sole purpose of a person’s trip and the feeling i got from that just blew me away. I wasn’t able to absorb it. There was a lot of disbelief, mixed with utter lack of understanding. So the questions in my head were: “Is this really true? why would anyone make a trip just for me? What can it possibly mean?” it was just too much for me to take, so i put it aside to marvel at it. It was like being given a gift that was too costly, and i just have no clue how to even hold it.

So, there’s never going to be a situation in which i trust a woman to any degree that she can hurt me. I have a bunch of women friends from work, that i’ve gotten close to, more than any other women in my life. (except Reeta). AND – i’ve never even mentioned JB to any of them either! i just don’t feel the need to share any such personal and private things with them. i like spending time with them. and i miss working with them. I still don’t see how a deeper relationship with a woman would look like.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Well, in the beginning you were comparing yourself to Stacie and didn’t feel good enough. Is that maybe the core program you have about it? You aren’t good enough somehow?

yes, there’s a belief that i’m not good enough. And it’s not false. there’s always someone who is better at me at anything and everything. I don’t compare as much as i used to, and instead, focus on bettering myself, so it’s not as debilitating as it used to be. And the reason for wanting to be good enough is so i’ll be seen. i need to be seen so i can be chosen and loved. I pinned that on men for most of my life. I’ve let that go. Mostly. I’m trying to allow myself to feel what it feels like to be seen and chosen by God. He’s been doing some pretty cool stuff in my life. So, i have to think about this and soak it in.

the other thing that came up in my thoughts is the differences in the energies that i feel when i am weak before a man vs weak before a woman. Women tend to have a condescending and patronizing attitude which is such a turn off. My mom was super good at this. She’s just SO SURE that the way SHE sees things is 100% accurate that there’s no room for any other point of view. She’s not as bad as she used to be back in the day, so she’s growing up too, so that’s a really good thing. But there were some women, that even if they didn’t say anything to me, they were giving off that energy when they looked at me.

So, my anger/arrogance shield has been replaced by nothing. i just feel deflated when i feel like someone else has worked harder than i have. Why haven’t i worked harder? What’s holding me back? i can’t compete for attention, because i know i will fail. Even if i win, it would be temporary, because it’s not hard to beat my score. Sometimes, i wonder why God is paying so much attention to the details of my life. I’ve got nothing to give him in return.

The difference between sinking into this pit now, vs, 2 yrs ago is — i let myself sink, i listen to whatever comes up, and if i need to cry, i cry about it. I ask God to forgive me for being so weak and for failing again, and then, i ask him to help me do better, and i get up and do something so i’m a little bit better than yesterday.

So – there’s more stuff getting cleared out of the house. This is what’s in front of me, and this is what i can work on. I guess my failures don’t depress me as much as they used to. i am still able to see them though. it’ll take me a while to fix the messes i’ve made, and maybe there are some messes that i’ll never fix up.

Anyway — it’s far too humiliating to be told someone else can teach me how to talk to God better than i do on my own. this is one area of my life, that i want to just figure out on my own, even if it takes me my entire life. i wonder if all this makes any sense. i don’t know what healing should look like in this area, as i don’t really see any benefit to being able to be trust a woman fully and be vulnerable in front of her.

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

Yes – i’m willing to make another attempt at digging up my female-relationship issues! It’s definitely a charged area.

An example of something i have rejected would be the Ho’oponopono prayer It doesn’t sound like you reject this prayer. It just sounds like you also found the essence of this prayer in your religion and belief structure, which makes the Ho’oponono prayer “real” so to speak. Am I missing something? I don’t quite understand how you reject it and why.

So, the Ho’oponopono prayer is made up of 4 short phrases: “I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” and you keep repeating them, the order doesn’t matter. This guy made it popular, i forget his name. He used it in a prison where some really hardcore prisoners were. The place was so toxic that even the paint wouldn’t stick on the walls. They had a constant turnover of staff, because nobody could work there for long. So, this guy worked as a counselor, i think? but he never met with any of the inmates at first. He’d just go through their files and when something stopped him, he would pause and say his Ho’oponopono prayer, and move on when he was able. SO… in just a few months, the general atmosphere in the prison wasn’t as oppressive, and they were able to paint and fix things up, and as things started to improve a little bit at a time, the prisoners also got better.

Anyway – i learned it from the coaching program i had signed up for – and i was quite intrigued when i found it, and i may have tested it out a few times, but it didn’t sit well with me, because i felt i was wasting my time, when i could be saying some prayers from the church instead. So – that’s how i rejected it. i didn’t use it. However, it DID open my eyes to the power in words, and caused me to fall in love with the Church prayers and scriptures more. it also made me pay closer attention to words, in general, and try to ‘FEEL” words i my body and not just look at definitions and sounds. I find it really, really, really soothing to say certain words. TRUST is one of my favorite words. I like to say: “Jesus, i trust in you.” I feel TRUST in my chest. It expands my chest and opens it up, in the same way that exercises for chest muscles, and shoulders do! It also feels like a super satisfying, deep breath.

The Ho’oponopono prayer is weird to me in that it is not directed TO anyone, and also, it doesn’t seem to come FROM anywhere. What am i saying sorry for? Who am i asking for forgiveness? that open-endedness made it full of uncertainties for me. IT has the opposite effect of TRUST. Anyway — it’s kind of fun to play with words and feel the effect of them on my body! SO, when i’m reading or listening to stuff – i watch for words that jump out at me in some way, and i explore them.

Funny enough, pleasure is more difficult to learn from than pain. Isn’t that crazy??? I think about that sometimes.

I’ve actually heard of some saints talk about this – that we are not truly strong enough to enjoy pleasure! I’ve also noticed that it’s easier to share about things that cause pain than it is to talk about things that cause pleasure!! Especially if it’s physical pleasure! lol 🙂

The real journey is about knowing yourself and the kind of person you want to be. It doesn’t mean you are more right or wrong or better or anything more than another person, it just means you align with what makes you the very best person.

YES – this is so true. And it’s important to know YOURSELF – for growth in ALL areas of your life. Recently, Scott Sonnon shared a post about how people are always asking him for his fitness and diet routines, and he said: “I have issues that you don’t. My diet and fitness meets MY needs. If you do what i do, you may get the opposite results! So, get to know yourself.” (Paraphrased) – i just totally LOVE this guy because his fitness programs are aimed at teaching you how to learn to read your body through the various movements. And you can apply his wisdom to any area of life. It’s so important to see how anything you do, affects YOU! This is why i don’t tell ANYONE else, to cut off all sources of income as i did! lol 🙂 This is an expression of MY trust in God, and i’m willing to take the risks involved. But i don’t feel like i’m risking anything, because i have this solid, palpable peace and absolute lack of fear. I can’t explain that to anyone. SO, yeah. don’t do the things you see me do on the outside. There’s a lot on the inside that’s the basis of what i’m doing on the outside and there’s no way i can write all that down. (this is another reason the Ho’oponopono prayer turned me off – i needed to know what it was the end result of – because source (or intent) DOES make a difference – especially in the spiritual/energy realm).

This is so great that you are identifying where you are stuck with women! It sounds like there is an inherent competitiveness you may have been wounded by somehow. The idea that you “will not compete” is the rabbit hole you can go down if you want. A woman or man’s ideas about how to communicate with God is just that…just ideas where they are speaking from experience and passing on their knowledge, right? So where is the story coming from that “someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them.” This is a low self-esteem story running in your system and is what is activating all your defensiveness. This is the place where healing can occur, right?

In general – you learn from someone who is better than you in that particular area, right? Because, you want to get better, and only someone who is BETTER than you can teach you how to get to a better place than where you are at. They also, cannot teach you how to get better than themselves, they can only teach you what they know. So, when you’ve exhausted their knowledge, you look for another teacher to take you higher. So, that’s where the general idea comes from – that my teacher knows things that i don’t.

The rest of it — from my ponderings last night and this morning — i learned how to compare myself with others from the women in my life, whether that was their intent or not, that’s how i received it. SO – whenever they said things like: Her hair is so thick and long and curly. and didn’t have a similar compliment for a girl whose hair isn’t thick or long or curly, it makes you wonder why? I’d listen to these women, and then, examine myself in the mirror to see how many of the things i had that they spoke of in a positive tone. I had long, thick hair. But it wasn’t curly. Those were the only things i had, that made the lengthy list. That meant – i wasn’t pretty.

SO, yes, this created a great deal of self-consciousness, which turned into low self-esteem, which showed up as anger and arrogance. The anger and arrogance was my shield. Kept people away, and no one could see my weakness. My anger has been eroding. I don’t think i have any left. It takes too much energy. So does the arrogance. So now, i have no defense. idk if all this makes any sense.

Some weeks back, i lined myself up next to all the women i know. Mom’s the better cook. My sister, is the better nurse, has the healthier/happier family, looks better and is still happily married. My aunts and cousins – they’re all better in some way or other. They all look better than me, even the ones who are fatter than me. They cook better, they work harder, they live in places i can’t survive on my own for a day. Girls i went to school with – they were all taller and slimmer and knew how to dress better, walk better, laugh better, flirt better, talk better, sing better. Actually, i was at a zero in most of that, so when i say ‘better’ it doesn’t mean i could do anything at all.

Sure, i did better in lessons, till another girl came along who was smarter. Things didn’t get any better in nursing school. Except for one thing. I met Reeta. She was the most beautiful girl i’d ever seen. She looked like Mary in the paintings of Mary & Jesus. She was picked to play Mary for the first Christmas play in nursing school, and every year after that. She was never surprised. I found out she’d been picked to play Mary from the time she started school! Nobody else complained that she got to play Mary all the time. There was just no other girl whose face was so perfect! But it wasn’t just her face. She had a crystal clear laughter than rang like bells, and it was so delightful. There wasn’t a mean bone in her body. But that didn’t mean she was weak. She was never afraid to speak up when something wasn’t right. We became friends in the first year of nursing school. We never ran out of things to talk about and we laughed all the time. They tried to make us stop being friends, told me i was supposed to make friends with ALL girls. i told them to get a life. (in action, more than in words. lol 🙂 )

We fought too, for silly reasons that i can’t remember. About once a month, we’d fight and stop talking to each other, and make up after 3 days. Like clockwork. lol 🙂 The whole school knew when we’d had a fight, because of the absence of laughter. Plus they were all nosey. lol 🙂 A few times, she said to me: “I sometimes feel like i don’t know you, like i can’t reach your heart.” I had no idea what she was talking about. Now i do. But she DID know all of me that was available to know. The rest of me – my heart — was hidden even from me. There’s no way you can share what you don’t have access to, right? She’s the only one who knew that there was a part of me that was missing. But she still saw me worth being a friend to.

Remember how i said some days back that i’d never, ever, ever want my cousin to live with me nor would i live with her? I feel differently about Reeta. She’s the only one whom i can share my home with as if she’s a part of myself. I won’t feel at all like my space is being intruded upon. I think she’s my soulmate. I trust her completely. i’ve lost touch with her. that really bothers me. she’s known so much pain. she got married to this man, and the entire family abused her. but it was an arrangement that her family had made when she was in her early teens or something. And she couldn’t back out of it. Her family loved her so deeply. She was close to all her siblings. Then she was abused. When i found out, i was so enraged. How could anyone lift a finger to hurt her? But i couldn’t do anything for her. She told me some of the things they did to her, before eventually kicking her out the door. I couldn’t hold back my tears as she spoke. But her eyes were dry. She said to me, “you’re already crying. these are the things i am able to talk about.”

She eventually got a divorce and she was living with her brother when i saw her last. She was going to get married to a distant cousin who was a widower and willing to ‘risk’ marrying her. i hate Indians and their oppressive cultures! they snuffed out her laughter! and the light in her eyes. i need to find her.

~~ vino

[Vino]

so, i was folding my laundry and my brain was doing it’s thing and i noticed 2 things:

1. i don’t have ANY issues charging or getting paid from my massage therapy training, and my nursing, or another professional training/education. I wouldn’t have trouble charging for a craft class either. Something is different about personal growth stuff.

2. i matched the feeling that rises up in me, at the thought of learning spiritual things from another woman. (slightly present with men too, but lesser than with women). It feels the same as being told that my way of communicating with God isn’t good enough, and that someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them. So, it triggers my defensiveness. I do not compete. If God (or anyone else) can’t accept me as i am, with my way of communicating, then i’m not talking to him. I will not compete for attention. I’d rather be rejected than get someone’s attention by using someone else’s ideas.

~~ vino

[Vino]

You haven’t received everything you have learned for free! You pay for this membership and have learned here.

I understand what you’re saying here. I value the knowledge that others have gathered and I am willing to pay for it. But when it comes to knowledge that i have gathered, i am not able to see it the same way. There may be people willing to pay for my knowledge – especially if it’s packaged in neat little boxes, but at the time, i wasn’t able to even think about monetizing my knowledge. Now, i’m open to it.

the hardship that was overcome to come up with the information in the first place is hard won, for any good program with effective information.

I feel like the hardships that i overcame aren’t as significant or as big the ones that Stacie overcame. For example – her first relationship was abusive. The man she was married to, literally went to her office at the end of the week, to take her paycheck as soon as she got it! And then he gave her some pocket change for her weekly expenses. I had a similar thing happen to me, when the ex took all the credit cards we shared (lied about cancelling them, but i found out he just didn’t want to share anymore) and he left some cash in an envelope for me, every two weeks when he got his paycheck. But never took my paychecks, and the amount of cash he left for me, was greater than what Stacie was given.

I have this feeling that whatever my hardships were, were only as bad as they have been because i am such a weak person, and not because the situations themselves were so extremely painful. Stacie was able to work harder than i have ever been able to. Her success actually made me feel really weak and worthless, because she has suffered more and has succeeded more, in about the same time frame as me. In all honesty, all successful women make me feel very pathetic and useless.

This is one of the reasons i find it extremely difficult to learn from women, in general. I can learn things like cooking and crafting, medicine, fitness, etc, – things that aren’t emotionally charged. But the closer, and more personal it gets, the less i’m able to receive from a woman. So – the spiritual realm of things, is the closest thing to my heart. No woman can enter there. Ever. I don’t even care if she’s a saint and has direct access to God. I can’t have anyone getting between me and God.

Isn’t that what you are doing through church? Whoever is up there teaching to the congregation, is teaching THEIR perspective and teaching from their own personal experiences and teaching from their ideas and helping you learn about God and how to strengthen/develop a relationship with God.

No. This is a fine line, and i don’t know if i can explain it very well. The church doesn’t tell you how to build a relationship with God. That’s artificial, like telling a child how to talk to her dad. BUT – you CAN tell the child – ‘Give your Dad 10 minutes when he gets home from work, so he can switch gears and pay attention to you.” You can also tell a child: “Behaving in this way is inappropriate and disrespectful.” BUT – every relationship is unique, like a fingerprint. The relationship i build with God isn’t going to be anything like what someone else builds with God.

Unlike the hundreds of thousands of protestant denominations, the ‘teaching’ done during a Catholic Mass is the LEAST important part of our church services. The purpose of the Church services is to celebrate the Eucharist, or to spend time in God’s presence, (or for other specific things like weddings, funerals, baptisms, etc). Most of the learning happens directly through our own personal interactions with the scriptures and prayers of the day. So, a person who is more engaged, learns more than one who just shows up because they are supposed to.

This isn’t to say we don’t learn from each other, or from sermons and books and bible studies etc. But — all of those things are optional! A Mass is complete even if the preaching is completely taken out of it. This gives us the freedom to learn at our own pace, in our own way.

So why can’t Stacie have good ideas about how to improve communication? My guess is, if she were a guest speaker in your church on Sunday, you would have listened, yes? It makes no difference to me how good her ideas are! I feel no need for them, because i like learning how to communicate with God on my own. This is a VERY, VERY personal space for me, and i don’t let anyone in, easily. If she were a guest speaker in my church — no, i wouldn’t listen to her. The same reasons i don’t want to learn from her outside the church, would still apply. She is still the same person, with the same message, so why would my receptivity change based on an external change, like the place she’s speaking from? Or who invited her? I don’t turn off my brain or my feelings when i go to church! Even if JB sent me a video of her teachings i wouldn’t listen. I might listen out of respect, and to be able to engage in a discussion, but i wouldn’t be open to her ideas. It would be like trying to wear her custom-made dress! i might want to be introduced to her seamstress (IF i like Stacie’s dress) — but i sure don’t want to wear Stacie’s dress or even have one made for me in the same pattern!

God doesn’t deliberately give us polluted things. How do you know this??? What if there is a lesson God wants you to learn through a polluted source?

This is true – it is entirely possible for God to use polluted sources as a means of teaching, and i think he does. It’s kind of like a mirror – you have severe reactions to the things in other people that actually present in you! And if you realize what’s happening, you can take a step back, and start getting rid of all the things in yourself that are polluted. But what if you don’t need to learn from suffering? i know that pain and suffering has been a far more effective teacher than pleasure, because pain gets your attention in a way that pleasure doesn’t. BUT – does that mean it’s not possible to learn through unpolluted sources? Through good things? Through pleasure?

i sometimes wonder if this angle of thinking has led MANY, MANY christians into embracing suffering TOO MUCH! And shunning pleasure, because they feel it pulls them away from God! For me, pain was driving me AWAY From God. Peace and Joy draw me TO him.

So being provided for, needed to fit into certain ways and look certain ways for it to be from God. Now, I’m much more expansive. Now, I look at EVERY possibility and see truth in every perspective and source. I see God everywhere and in everything.

I can understand that. I think a lot of the issues we have with God comes from putting him in a box and not allowing him to be himself and make himself known to us. I did that too, and i blamed him for the pain i was experiencing, so i ran away from him. I agree that truth can be found in many places, and there is value in looking at things from all possible angles. But after looking at everything, i have to choose which path i am going to take, and when i make that decision, i draw boundaries – by rejecting some things, and accepting other things. Since i have chosen the path of the Catholic, i will receive all things, but i will filter them through a Catholic lens, and if something isn’t in line with what is good for me, i will reject it. And if something IS good for me, i will accept it, even if it hurts.

For example – the annulment i’m working on, is something that is done only in the Catholic church. At first, i was quite upset about that, because i wasn’t catholic when i got married AND divorced, so i felt they had no right to tell me i was still married in the eyes of the church. But i took my fight to God. And He showed me how deep, deep, deep my wounds were. I’m curious to find out what kind of healing will come out of this! I’ve already experienced some of it’s benefits, but the process is still in the beginning stages.

An example of something i have rejected would be the Ho’oponopono prayer. I see it as a good thing. There is nothing in it that contradicts any church teachings. However, i believe that all Good things come from God. So, when i find something good outside the church, i expect to find something similar or better inside the church. It’s the difference of buying a fresh apple at the farmer’s market, vs getting your apples from your own orchard. Sometimes, there are places in the orchard that are overrun, and you can’t see what’s there. I use the good things that i find outside of church, to help me find where they are hidden or lost, inside the church. So, in that way, i appreciate the Ho’oponopono prayer – it opened my eyes to the power of words that we say to ourselves, and my view of ALL the prayers in the Church changed – i pay closer attention to all the words – in the prayers and in the scripture readings – i am more open and eager to hear them, they sink into my heart deeper, and i see myself trusting God more, because He gives me Some Really AWESOME, Delicious words! I love words. lol 🙂

I realized after the fact that my Hair example is the same as my Name example. LOL 😀 They are both deeply significant to me in more ways than just the surface value of it. You know how, in a relationship – it’s the Little Things that make it or break it? for some reason, people don’t value the little things – until they are gone. If they are bad Little things, you brush them under the rug, till they are so huge that you have developed irreconcilable differences. So, the Little Things fascinate me. They have some kind of incredible power in them. They matter very, very much! Around the world, regardless of culture, i’ve noticed how Little Things are easily dismissed, because they seem to have no value in the ‘Grander Scheme of Things’. BUT, what if, the Little Things ARE the Grander Scheme of Things?! The only time i’ve heard Little Things presented in the positive way is when in the phrase: “attention to detail”. Everyone always appreciates that. In a way, they are still mysterious to me, because, i can’t answer the question – what exactly IS the significance of my hair?! lol 🙂

But what if, i treated EVERYONE’s hair as significant, because God paid attention to MY hair? Would i touch someone differently, if i saw every hair on their head as significant? Would i look at them differently? Would i say their name differently?

I learned about hairstylists that are trained to work on curly hair! When i searched for them last year, or maybe it was 2 yrs ago? there weren’t any in my area. I’ll have to look again. But – i want my hair long now. lol 🙂 i truly enjoy the short look, but there are days when i want hair that’s all the way down to my butt, like it used to be when i was younger!

~~ vino

[Author]

Posts