[Vino]

It IS woundedness when you rely on someone else for your value. So your belief that you need a man to choose you in order to feel valuable is wanting HIM to do something for you that you are not doing for yourself. This belief comes from your woundedness.

this is True. That is why i keep my needs to myself, because when you try to get your needs met from a wounded place, it’s like you’re bleeding all over the person.

You CAN feel complete and whole and chosen without ever having a man. That “spot” can be healed without a man. As long as that spot exists, it will always contribute to a neediness with any relationship you have with a man.

This is also true. I find my healing in my relationship with God, and that helps me to relate to others in a healthy way. JB’s presence in my life highlighted all the places where i need healing, and that’s one reason these past two years have been phenomenal. Until him, the only times my wounds got highlighted where in the presence of someone who rubbed me the wrong way, so i got defensive and nursed my wounds. With JB, there is no defensiveness. Instead, i am keenly aware of the things that are in the way of a healthy relationship. JB’s not a doctor, so i take my wounds to God.

Today — i had a cool experience! i FELT myself being lifted out of my Dead Spot space! I was writing, and i was describing it, and the thoughts it was causing me to have. With each thought that i wrote, i felt my heart getting lighter and lighter. It was an incredible feeling! This was something that i had come across two years ago – that finding the right words to express a feeling help to mark it, or contain it, in one space, so it doesn’t bleed into other feelings. You know how people eat when they are depressed? That’s because their depression bleeds into hunger and the two express as one. So, when you find a word that captures a feeling, it’s like you’ve gone fishing in the cesspool of your feelings, isolated one ‘fish’ and caught it with your net (the word).

This is also why children suffer so much – they do not yet have the vocabulary to express all their feelings, so they can only distinguish between something that feels good and something that feels bad. (Interesting thing though – after spending quite some time to ‘find the right words’ so i could capture my emotions – i realized that no word could completely and fully capture an emotion anyway – and i’ve reverted back to ‘feels good’ and ‘feels bad’! lol 🙂 ) BUT – it is still important to increase your vocabulary, because it DOES help. Where vocabulary fails, you can use pictures. So you can describe an emotion as the feeling you get when a bug with really scratchy legs is climbing up your pant legs.

Anyway – about the Dead Spot – i have encountered it many times before, but it was different this time. It’s the first time i wrote down what the feelings are that come out of this Dead Spot – feelings of being unwanted and unloved. These two things are like the Arteries that carry blood to your heart being blocked up! That’s why the wound is deep, even though there’s only two things growing out of it. I looked for other emotions growing out of it and there aren’t any – for example, i looked for ‘not worth being a friend to’ and that is not rooted in this space – it was an offshoot of these two, and it’s long gone. None of the other’s are there either, not even ‘needy’ and ‘burdensome’!

I read a story a long time ago, about a man who had a massive heart attack and he should’ve died on the spot because his main arteries that supply the heart were fully blocked. However, he was an athlete who did lots of cardio – and there were LOTS of tiny arteries that had built a network of support for his heart, so when the main ones failed, he was still able to survive.

And that is how i saw the Dead Spot today – that it’s contained in one Spot – that there are enough little arteries to keep my heart alive – and there’s peace now, which gives me space to allow life to come into the Dead Spot in its own good time. Things that have been dead for a long time, will take a bit of time to heal.

I fell in love with a tree! I have to visit it someday and touch it. It’s the Old Methuselah tree – a bristlecone pine tree, that’s over 4,000 years old. I read that Bristlecone pines are very hardy trees, able to withstand the harshest of weathers. As i looked at the closeup pictures of the tree trunk and the branches, all i could see was hard, lifeless wood. That’s why i want to touch it! Because this tree is NOT Dead! i want to touch it’s dead exterior and connect to the EXTREMELY STRONG life force that is still coursing through it’s deepest parts!

Some years back, i was drawn to touch trees. i didn’t have all these thoughts in my head at that time. I just felt a deep, deep, deep, grounding whenever i touched a tree. the feeling is stronger when the tree is older, and gnarlier and some were plain scary. But they had power. They were full of life. And i just wanted to stand there, hugging a tree. lol 🙂 it’s an entirely different feeling from hugging a puppy! It feels good to touch life. 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Are you not giving him ALL that you have?

I Do give him all that i have. But it’s left over from what the kids take. For example – say we’re out together and the phone rings and it’s the one of the kids and they need me for something or other – they will become a priority for me at that time. I’ve actually tested this feeling out and i know it’s not fully true, because it doesn’t take into account the whole picture. For example, i’ve imagined it as – what if he was the father of my kids? Would he be all out of sorts if the kids need me or if they interrupt out date? He wouldn’t. He’d actually be actively involved and we’d handle the interruption together, and if it’s an emergency, we’d handle that together too, and he wouldn’t be mad at me for not being able to focus 100% on him. IN fact, if i wanted to ignore my kids and focus on him instead, he would feel like i’m being irresponsible, and he wouldn’t be too happy with me – that is IF he is a well balanced man, and isn’t full of himself. So, i understand i’m not giving him credit for being a real man. I just have this feeling that when i’m with someone, i need to be 100% present, with ZERO interruptions. It was the same at work. I told my kids to never call me at work unless they were dying. So, the one or two times that they DID call, it completely rattled me. I don’t remember now, what they called for, but they weren’t dying. Nobody else was upset. I was relieved that they weren’t dying. But it threw me off balance. I’m not so good at multitasking. 🙂

YOU may feel like a burden with your needs, but your friend or partner may actually feel delighted to help you with your needs. If your needs are a burden to someone, then you are not with the right person. Your needs are a gift. Your needs create opportunities for your friends and partners to activate their giving spirit. Doesn’t it feel good to help someone???

Yes, it feels good to help someone. But not just ANYONE. It’s not at all satisfying to help someone who is ALWAYS asking for help. I think this mindset of my needs being a gift, because it creates an opportunity for someone else to be generous is faulty. I just found out that the Bhuddist monks function under this mindset. I am familiar with this mindset from Ethiopia. The country is riddled with beggars. Especially around churches and other places of worship, because they are ‘giving you an opportunity to receive a blessing for helping them’. SO, while i agree that it DOES feel good to help someone – there’s no joy in being drained of your resources – financial, emotional, mental, whatever. I know, that if i mention a need, someone who is in a place to help, offers help. JB did that and so did another friend, when i was moving 2 yrs ago. I didn’t ask them for money. They simply gave. But it was a one time thing. I’m not going to ask them for money every month. I am responsible for my own upkeep.

Same with emotional support. I don’t talk to people who are continuously whining, because they drain me. Plus, they don’t want to make any changes in their lives in order to get a more stable place. So, i’m not on board this thought that my needs provide opportunities for others to be generous, so they’re a gift. I think people are generous, especially in this country, precisely BECAUSE nobody goes around being a beggar. There was a massive fire in the next town last weekend. Several businesses were affected. The entire neighborhood has banded together to help them in any way possible. Now what if they raised enough money to rebuild all the business and those business owners decided all they needed to do was to sit back and expect their neighbors to keep on giving? After all, they DID have the resources to help them once, so why not over and over again?!

Your needs are important, valuable, and in service to humanity. Your needs bring out the good in others. This is the truth.

I’m afraid i’m going to have to disagree with this. The true joy is in helping someone who is already working hard to help themselves. Perhaps i’m screwed up. BUT i have NEVER been inspired to be a better person because of someone else’s needs. Except for my kids. THEIR needs got me out of bed during the worst years. But, i was a homehealth aide during that time as well, and the needs of others was too burdensome for me to deal with. On the other hand, i’ve always been inspired by those who work hard and don’t let anything get them down. Like Nick Vujicic – my first Wake Up Call. He is disabled – no arms, no legs, and he is Not at all disabled in spirit. He drew out the good in me. And he didn’t need anything from me at all.

Either way, right now he is important in your life and you are important in his….until something changes that.

This is true. And you’re right about regrets too – i can choose to live in regret — but i also know what would cause me to do that. Not seeing something through to the end would make me feel regretful, and that’s what i’m trying to avoid here. I need to find out why we are important to each other. It isn’t clear yet, if it’s just meant to be a platonic, spiritual relationship, or if it’s more. My other relationships with men were clear. My monk friend, was of course, platonic and spiritual and no questions there. lol 🙂 Another man i trusted a great deal, was also spiritual and platonic – because i was married at the time, and we were all working to save the gangrenous marriage. So now – i’m not married. And JB is not a monk. It really creates a lot of desires in me, and i don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not!!

I could give you a million reasons why he values you and he could do the same. But you are not asking this question from your mind because there is a lack of understanding. You are asking this question from your heart – from that spot in you that doesn’t see your value. We see your value, but it’s not until you are able to see your own value that you will even believe what we have to say. I guarantee this “spot” you refer to, is where the trauma with women, Ethiopians, and Indians live. It’s quite a powerful spot. We all have these spots, don’t we?

thank you for your kind words here. And i agree – even as i wrote to you about this Spot – i knew that its where my deepest trauma lies. It’s a very dead place. I searched for what would make me feel like i had value — it’s a new question i’ve started to ask myself – what would have to happen in order for me to feel a certain way or change a certain behavior? So – what would have to happen in order for me to feel like i have value? I’ve narrowed it down to one thing – i’d have to find value in the eyes of a man. So much value that he’d WANT to share his life with me. i don’t want him to NEED me. For some reason, that seems to carry a sense of woundedness – when someone needs someone else for something or other. I want someone to like me so much that they deliberately choose to share their lives with me.

I’ve wondered why my family hasn’t been able to provide this for me? I feel it’s because they never CHOSE me – i was just dumped into their keeping, and they’ve done their best to do well by me. So, i was fed and clothed and sent to school. But none of those things convinced me that i was loved and wanted. IN fact, i was told i was ungrateful for wanting more when so much was sacrificed for me. And what of my friends so far? Well – they all have their own lives, and i’m not really a part of it. I’ve also wondered why it has to be a man who chooses me and not a woman? i don’t have an answer to that one, other than, it just feels better, to be seen by a man vs being seen by a woman.

And i end my questions with – so what if nobody ever chooses me? And that brings me to the same place of – am i going to stay in bed, or get up and do something? This is the bottom of my Pit. I used to think it was a bottomless pit. But it ends here. And i know i don’t want to stay in bed. I know i don’t want to whine about not being chosen. I know i like my curly hair. So i take care of it. I know i like how i look in the mirror. So i take care of me.

I have 156 days left to my 50th birthday. It’s the ultimate test – my 50th birthday, and i have to share it with all the other mothers in the world. Nobody will remember it’s my birthday. They will tell me ‘happy mother’s day’ instead of Happy birthday. it’s the ultimate proof that i am invisible. I do not care for people telling me happy birthday on FB. They do that because FB reminds them of my birthday. SO — if i don’t prepare for my birthday and do something to celebrate turning 50, no one else will. And i think i deserve something that makes me happy. So, i have started doing healthier things for myself – i want to see how much better my body will be when i turn 50. My gift to myself – a better body, better health, and a better smile. 🙂 Like my hair, i might be the only one who enjoys my better health, but i’m the one i need to make happy, not anyone else. I know that on my 50th birthday, i will look in the mirror and smile at myself, because i will be happy to see me. And if anyone truly remembers my birthday, that’s extra. 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

There’s a few other things that surfaced in the past few days.

1. A deep rooted thought that my life is meaningless and of no value. And therefore, nothing i do (or not) is of value either. I know my depression is rooted in this, and my kids have the exact same feelings too. Even when things are going well, and i am actually happy, if i turn to look at this spot and examine it closely, it is still a dead spot and i don’t get a real understanding or feeling or measure of the true value of my existence.

This used to make me feel very depressed, and demotivate me from ALL things. But things have changed, so when i look at this spot – even though i see no value and no meaning in my existence, i have this desire to choose to do things that bring joy to me and to others. I see my choices in everyday things – i can stay in bed and do nothing, or get up and take care of me and my kids and the house. Even if there is no value in either activity (in the ultimate grand scale of things) – i would rather get out of bed and do a few things than stay in bed and do nothing.

This change, to choose the slightly better thing each time i have a choice, is solid. Sometimes i still choose to do nothing, but i’m aware of what i’m doing, and it doesn’t last long.

2. In regards to my relationship with JB – there’s something that makes it super unique, and that’s why i’m holding on to it. There’s a spiritual dimension to it that i’ve never had in any other friendship with any other man. So, i want him to be in my life, until it’s clear on a spiritual level that we need to go our separate ways. I do not know what this spiritual relationship is supposed to look like. it’s the most equal relationship i’ve experienced, in that i experience both a give and a take and not just one or the other. So, even if it’s just a regular platonic relationship, it’s incredibly unique because it’s equal. And i still want it to grow into more, but of course, that’s not going to work unless he wants it too. I’ve wondered if i’d feel like i’d wasted my time, if after a few years, he finds someone that he clicks with 100% and marries her 3 weeks after they meet. I know it will hurt. And it may hurt for a long time. but i won’t feel like i wasted my time at all. On the other hand, if i cut him out of my life to pursue someone i can have a relationship with right away, then, i always be left wondering about him and he’ll haunt me forever. i’ve never regretted giving. I’ve always regretted holding back.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Its not about healing so you can have more people in your life. It’s more about healing the beliefs that are judgemental, fearful, angry, hurt etc. All of these lower vibrations affect EVERYTHING in our lives – like the sore you had in your mouth. Those are “sores” in our energetic, spiritual, emotional bodies and it touches every aspect of our lives.

OMG! i was just starting to notice this! When the bump in my mouth was bigger and it hurt a lot to eat, i was washing my mouth in salt water several times a day. And when the pain disappeared and the swelling was almost all gone, i wasn’t washing it with salt at all, because i’d gotten used to it. However, it wasn’t so fully gone that i could go back to using the aligners, but i forgot about the aligners too! i was happy that i could freely eat again.

So -it makes total sense – when something doesn’t hurt with great intensity, we forget that it’s there, and that it’s still preventing us from making progress with the goals for our lives.

There are 3 significant parts in a relationship that need to be cared for…ALWAYS. 1. you 2. him 3. the relationship.

lol 🙂 yes, i understand this too. that video of the distorted faces brought that to light for me. Whatever you focus on, is the most real to you. BUT, we tend to forget ourselves – the observer. And in a relationship, each person needs attention, or else they will become distorted, even in their own eyes.

I’m a bit confused. I thought you and JB are just friends. You are saying he keeps coming back to see if you are free to run with him, but you are not free…what does that mean?

We ARE just friends. As for as i know. But, WHY does a busy man need another friend in his life? I take up his time. I don’t understand why he keeps in touch. I don’t understand why he makes plans to visit. Sometimes his plans don’t work out. But when they do, he comes early and spends the whole day with me and is 100% focused on me. I told him i was anxious about my annulment interview, and asked him to pray for me. Which he said he did. And the next day, he checked up on me to see how it went. Why does he care? Isn’t he a busy man? He worked a double shift over Thanksgiving! Anyway. it doesn’t really matter. All i know is, that he’s staying involved in my life. Yes, it’s from a distance, but EVERYBODY in my life is at a distance. And he’s the only one who communicates with me regularly.

Are you talking about JB or just a man in general? You are ready Vino! When the right man shows up into your life, he will be able to inspire you to move mountains with him. Kids, work, weight etc….all that stuff won’t matter because those are all just excuses. The truth is, you can create whatever it is that you want…when you want it bad enough, no matter what is standing in the way.

Both. JB seems to represent MAN in general to me. Whatever i am not able to Give to JB, i cannot give to anyone else either. Yesterday, the older one got sick. And this morning, he was still sick and couldn’t even get to the bathroom. As long as i have kids who aren’t stable, i cannot be available to build a relationship with a man. And i can’t give someone just bits and pieces of my life, it has to be ALL! or else i’d feel like i’m not whole-hearted. A man, especially one without kids of his own, WOULD be available to me fully, but i wouldn’t be available to him, and that isn’t right.

i don’t know. i don’t want to be a burden. and i don’t know how not to be a burden.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

I like Thanksgiving. I don’t know what beef people have with a good feast. I can’t think of any good thing that didn’t also have bad things happening alongside of it. Even Christmas, has a dark side. God warned Joseph that Herod wanted to kill Jesus, so Joseph took Mary & Jesus and escaped. BUT — Herod came anyway, and EVERY little boy under the age of 2 was slaughtered (in Bethlehem). We still celebrate Christmas.

But – to your point – do i celebrate Thanksgiving? No. Not really. When the kids were younger we went to their Grampa’s farm. When i got divorced, their dad took them there, and i stayed home alone. This year, Grampa just moved out of his farm. He was going to move into an assisted living facility but the kids’ dad asked him to move in with him, so he is living with the ex now! So, i have both my kids with me today. Or so, i thought till about an hour ago. The younger one got invited to a friend’s. I suggested the older one call up his friend and get invited too! lol 🙂 But i think he and i will eat some chicken later today and we’ll cook our turkey tomorrow.

the name of the dream book is: THE DIVINITY CODE TO UNDERSTANDING YOUR DREAMS AND VISIONS Adam F. Thompson & Adrian Beale

It’s based on whatever these folks have been able to learn from the Bible. I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s two kinds of dreams and visions. One is for personal edification – which is the most common one. And the other is for the community or the nation. So, my dreams, are for my personal growth, to help me make sense of my life, and see deeper. I think everyone has pictures in their heads that can help them take a deeper look at things. It happened with my oldest, when he was in the 6th grade. He was super angry about something again, and i was talking to him in his room, trying to help him make sense of things. He was convinced that his life took a turn for the worst when the Younger one was born, because he lost half the love he was getting. I tried to explain to him that that’s not how love works and at first he couldn’t understand how there could be more. Where would the extra love be coming from? Then suddenly, he asked me if it was like electricity? I didn’t understand. Then he explained that there’s two ways to connect things to an electric source. The one way, splits the energy between the number of appliances. But the other way, delivers the same amount of power to each appliance in the circuit. I was totally blown away AND thrilled! he had used something that he had learned in one area, to help him see better in another area! What a gift!

I’m glad this is what you are already doing. If you feel like going a level deeper into your healing, then it would be really working with your general, deeper, core beliefs about Indians, women, and Ethiopians where there are judgments, walls, anger etc.

I agree. For now, i can’t imagine this exercise being necessary at all. I feel like all the people who need to be in my life are already in it. It’s such a STRONG feeling and in total contrast to what i have experienced my entire life. I hated myself for feeling it, because it prevented me from fully engaging with anyone who i was spending time with, because a part of me would be on the lookout for the person who was missing from the group. The feeling would intensify in ‘family gatherings’. I hated going out on holiday trips because it’s obvious to everyone which group (or family) you are with. And there was always a part of that was screaming – i’m not with them. I’m travelling alone.

Interestingly this feeling didn’t go away when i got married. And this troubled me very deeply because i thought i was an adulteress. But, i couldn’t deny that my heart was still open to a man, and searching for a man! Ever since JB came into my life, that feeling disappeared. This too, has been of great interest to me. What as it that JB brought into my life that nobody else, in my entire 40+ years prior, hadn’t been able to? There is such a deep satisfaction in my heart that EVERYONE is present, that i am able to fully engage in other areas of my life, because there isn’t a part of me that’s searching for a missing person!

Some days ago, i watched a very interesting video of how badly your peripheral vision gets distorted when you hyperfocus on one thing. I was led to it through something i was reading and for the life of me, i can’t remember what it was. They linked this video for some reason, but it has taken me on a different journey than they intended. https://youtu.be/VT9i99D_9gI

The faces to the side become super scary, as the mind tries to fill in the details it doesn’t know, while it hyperfocuses on something outside the face. And it suddenly occurred to me that this happens in relationships ALL THE TIME! We hyperfocus on a particular relationship and what we want it to look like, that we do now know what the person beside us truly looks like. We just want to mold them to fit into our picture. Our picture has become more important than the person! So then, i wondered what would happen if we focused on individual persons and didn’t place any focus on the relationship with that person?

I feel like this is the opportunity that i have with JB. My relationship with him is SUPER undefined. A lot of it is due to circumstances, but it has provided me with a massive growing experience. in the beginning of our relationship, i was trying to fit him into my picture. When that failed, i sought advice to see if there were other pictures he’d fit into, that i could also accept. That also failed. So now, there is no pre-made picture to work with anymore. We’re creating a custom-picture. It’s extremely unsettling because i don’t have full control of it. So many times, i’ve wondered why i don’t just drop it and look for a man who is in a place to fit into my picture. And then, i feel the loss of JB.

It’s as if he were a wild Stallion, just doing his thing, and roaming free and every once in a while he comes to visit me. I got so attached to the squirrels and birds and chipmunks that i fed! And i’ve watched enough animal videos to know that i’m not the only one who gets intense pleasure out of being trusted by a wild animal. Is JB a wild animal? lol 🙂 idk. IF he truly IS like a wild animal that is learning to trust me – then i don’t want to ever capture him and curb his freedom. But then, what if this wild animal wants to take me along on one of his adventures? Why am i on the sidelines, waiting for him to visit me? When i pondered that, i realized i was a trapped animal. I am tethered to something that is preventing me from running wild and free with him! He keeps coming back to see if i’m free to run with him, and i am still not free!

What’s holding me back? there were many things holding me back – most of which are gone now. I used to think it was my looks. but for some reason, that’s no longer a tether. I’ve gained weight, and i’m still not feeling ugly and fat. lol 🙂 There was also the fact that i wasn’t making money yet, and i didn’t want to create a situation where i’d be hoping for financial support from him. Well. that’s not an issue anymore either. And i’m not sure why. It’s like i’ve lost all my pride. lol 🙂 There’s only one thing that i can think of at this moment. My kids. For some reason, i still feel like they need me a LOT. And i need to be there for them first. SO. I’m focusing on their needs. We are going to work towards them not needing me in any way – not for providing a home, meals, rides or even financial support. And when i brought it up with them – guess what?! There was ZERO resistance! They want to be on their own as much as i want them to be on their own.

So, i’m going to involve them in all areas of caring for the house and ourselves, and they can start working towards those things and take on more and more responsibility. Before i met JB, i wanted my kids to be fully equipped to take care of themselves too. The reason wasn’t so i could go off and date someone. The reason then, was so that i could die in peace, knowing they wouldn’t suffer due to losing me. But that didn’t inspire me into action, as much as running wild and free with a wild horse does! lol 🙂 When he comes, i want to be ready!

there’s just SO MANY GOOD things in my life! i am overflowing!! 🙂

Hope you have a great weekend, Heidi!

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

Interesting thing happened last night and i wanted to write about it!

So, a few days back, i noticed a post on an FB catholic group – this young dad is going through a really painful divorce and he was getting himself drunk and he asked for help, so i reached out to him, to see if i could provide a distraction so he wouldn’t take his life. This is a group with several thousands of members and i don’t see most of the posts, and even when i DO see posts asking for prayers and help, i don’t actually write to the person directly.

Anyway – we talked about a lot of things, and i think i DID manage to distract him and give him something other to do than get drunk. And out of the blue, he asked me what i thought about dreams and do i try to understand what they mean? I told him i sometimes get super vivid dreams, so yes, i DO try to understand what they mean, and he shared a book with me that he had. It’s over 500 pages, and for some reason, he was able to email it to me. It was too big, so i didn’t think i’d even look at it. BUT. Last night, i did!

Have you ever been stopped by two things happening one after the other, so it makes you feel like the first one was to catch your attention, and the second time it was to show you the importance of it? I was on a call with two others, and they were explaining to me how their income system works, and the guy said that ONE of the key things they noticed for success was the SEQUENCE of actions taken. I thought that was really interesting, because a lot of people say they have the key to success, and this is the first time someone has mentioned SEQUENCE. I’ve thought of this before, in my effort to get my home under control, because i’d noticed that certain activities flowed better when they were done in a sequence, and at the right TIME of day. For example – Empty the dishwasher in the AM, so all day long, you can keep filling it as you make dirty dishes, and turn it on in the evening. This simple sequence prevents dishes from piling up in the sink! And you continuously have clean dishes every day. When i noticed that sequence, i’d wondered if i could find simple little sequences for EVERYTHING i needed to do, so they’d all just roll along from day to day with minimal effort. SO – when this guy mentioned sequence, i wrote down: “Sequence Matters”

So when i started reading the Dream book – there was the section under general things to pay attention to – under which one section was: “Sequence Importance” and i just sat and laughed for a while. lol 😀 Anyway, that got me started paying a bit more attention, and also taking the book a bit more seriously, and i looked up various components of my Story Dream about The Lost Boy in the Woods.

And i believe i have a good interpretation for it now! And i think i must’ve had the dream only twice, but it FELT like many times. The way the dream progressed, i had assumed that it was a different day every time, in real time, but it was most likely a different ‘day’ within my dream, and not in real time. At any rate, the only reason that matters is the pattern of TWO. The first time, it catches your attention, the second time, your brain gets excited and marks it as important.

So – from the various meanings suggested and the mood of the dream, i’ve concluded that it was indeed, the story of my life. To me, the Woods presented as a place that was peaceful, with nothing to be afraid of. However, it mattered that i wanted to go into it alone, and didn’t feel close enough to anyone else to invited them into my woods. Once i got familiar with the woods, i stopped looking back because i didn’t care if i found my way back or not, i liked the woods. Nothing ever happened to me in the woods, so, at first i disagreed with one of the suggestions that the woods is a place where predators can hide. But when i looked at it from the POV of the woods being the way my life flowed, i realized that there WERE Predators in my life. And Predators target those who are ALONE! So, i’d embarked on this lonely life when i was a child, and i’d gotten so comfortable with it, that i didn’t even recognize i was lost.

When i saw the boy, i was worried about HIM not going home, it never occurred to me that I needed to go home too! I also became aware of the significance of the overgrown undergrowth that was too dense for me to cross and reach the boy. But when he heard me, he effortlessly crossed all that undergrowth, like it was nothing at all. And the confidence with which he picked up the kitten and said he’d take her home, means, he knew the way out of the woods. But also – the metaphor of ‘not out of the woods yet’ jumped out at me. Why do we say that of someone who is still in danger of losing their lives? The ‘woods’ which i had always thought were so friendly and peaceful – are not always so.

But – seeing my dream woods as a dangerous place holding predators and death, somehow doesn’t create any fear in me. And i am glad for that. Perhaps it’s because i’m still alive and i see that even though i was lost many times in the woods of my life, there was enough light and peace to guide me to someone who could take me home.

Anyway – i feel at peace with my interpretation, and i feel like, as i remember more details, or when matching things jump out from my life, i will know more. Oh – i also thought it was interesting how i was the only one who could see the woods. I’m curious to know what it is that i saw when i was younger, that nobody else could? It does explain though, why my brain thinks so differently from my family and friends. i DID follow some unseen path, and ended up distancing myself from all of them. I’m kind of really happy that i did!

OH! i just realized – the man who gave me the book, could’ve been the boy in my dreams too! Because the book my dream boy was reading was HUGE. And my first thought’s when this guy gave me the Dream book was how huge it was. Well, it all seems like a fun game to me, to be able to put my life into a story. 🙂 But it’s still super exciting. lol 🙂

I think that maybe the first step is to heal in a way that allows you to see people as just people, not Ethiopians, women or Indians. Each person is different. Some may absolutely fit the profile you have given these people and many will not. Regardless, healing your wounds around these areas, doesn’t mean you become friends with them. It just means you will be friends with them if they meet your criteria for what a friend is to you – and it won’t matter if they are male, female or whatever.

This was really helpful to me. Not just because it is sound Solid advice, but because — i’m already doing that. lol 🙂 i have no desire to make a million friends, so i approach everyone with friendliness, but no desire to go deeper than Aquantanceship. When JB came into my life, i noticed a very interesting feeling – that the number of people who were supposed to be in life was complete, as if i had a game that i was collecting pieces for, and he was the last piece. lol 🙂

i should stop talking, because everything i say is reminding me of something i just watched or read and is throwing new light on things!!

Hope you have a great weekend! And happy Thanksgiving!

~~ vino

[Vino]

Lessons from a Bump!

Hi Heidi! So, i just learned some super cool stuff! from a procrastination course i signed up for. Two things actually, one yesterday, and one today. The one yesterday was about the effects of having a vague goal, which i’ve never heard explained this way before. I have never been able to create a specific goal, especially in regards to money, because i always felt that would create some kind of a limit, and i wanted to be open to EVERYTHING! i was also afraid that IF for some reason, i didn’t meet my goal, i would be totally discouraged and give up. But, this guy explains what happens when you have a goal of making an undefined amount of money — it causes you to become satisfied when you make ANY amount of money, and your effort tapers off and prevents you from making more! Anyway – that was a great eye-opener yesterday, and today, made yesterday’s light seem dim.

In Today’s lesson, he said one of the reasons people procrastinate is Fear of Feedback. Even as i read that statement, i felt the fear feelings in me increasing – the guardedness and the feelings of being in a threatening situation. I knew this fear was very real, but i had never had a visual for it before. Thanks to a bump in my mouth, i have an excellent visual! I developed a bump in my upper palate, right behind my two front teeth, from drinking something too hot, or biting something pokey, idk how it started. I thought it would just go away and continued to wear my aligners even though they were really close to the sore spot. Well – the sore spot grew and i haven’t been able to wear my aligner for the past 3 or 4 days. I can’t think of ANYTHING to reduce the swelling.

The swelling is sensitive to heat, and of course, attracts EVERYTHING i’m eating, especially hard things or gritty things, which bump into the bump and make it hurt more. SO now, i’m eating in a very gingerly way and avoiding anything that’s crunchy, and making all of my food soft. One small bump in my mouth is altering my whole life! When i was in the grocery store today, i couldn’t even LOOK at the baked goods that have nuts in them, because just looking at the nuts make me feel them hitting my mouth bump. And i LOVE baked goods with nuts in them! UGh!

All this to say – I have begun to see ALL of the guarded areas of my life as bumps now, and i can see how they remain sore, and how they are preventing me from living freely and enjoying all the nuts in the baked in goods! It’s also, quite the eye opener, that the very things i enjoy the most, are the things that hurt me the most! I honestly don’t want to think of Indians and Ethiopians being the friends that i would enjoy the most! Nor women either! What an incredibly uncomfortable idea! Why am i so against it?!

And also — on a totally different direction, but along the same idea — i’ve always been told i’m a good writer and that i could write a book if i wanted to. And i’ve always said that i am only good at writing personal stuff, to individuals, and i could never write a book. However, in the back of my mind, is always this desire to write to a greater audience than friends. But, in order to do that, i’d have to polish up my writing and be willing to learn from someone who knows how to write properly. Interesting thing is, i wouldn’t think twice about learning how to sew better from a seamstress. Why am i so guarded about my writing? Why do i not want anyone to help me sharpen it up and take it to the next level? The only thing i can think of is that i am more attached to my writing than i am to my sewing. But why is that? I don’t mind it being looked at by friends and family, because they are not experts. An expert would scrutinize my writing and find all it’s weaknesses. And i’d make the excuse: Yeah, but i’m just writing for friends and family, so i don’t need to work on it and make it better…!

I just realized how pathetic that excuse is! Why would i not want to give my friends and family top quality workmanship?!

Anyway. I feel i have opened a pandora’s box and i am now officially overwhelmed. But also excited. lol 🙂

~~ vino.

ps – the bump also showed me how Law of attraction works – one painful spot is a major pain magnet – but it makes no distinction between what i like to eat and what i don’t like to eat, because all things create pain to the same degree!

[Vino]

I understand it’s a sensitive area for you. I knew I was taking a bit of a risk heading into the area of talking about belief. I appreciate you stepping into it a bit and communicating really well about how you feel. You are pretty solid in how you view things and you like how you view things and approach your beliefs. That’s all that matters.

It is a sensitive area because people have all these preconceived notions about Christianity, in general, and even more preconceived notions about Catholics, based on media & hollywood and one-sided history books. (written by protestants, who thoroughly hate the Catholics – i never heard a SINGLE good thing about Catholics when i was young!) And i was not an unjust person – if i was ever in a court, i would’ve liked to hear both sides of the story, and yet, when it came to the catholics, i thought i knew them and what they believed, and i didn’t even think they had their own side of the story! SO — i fully recognize those judgmental (or dismissive) vibes when i see them in others, and i know they are being unjust. (it’s the same energy that’s present in ALL situations where one person is not allowed to share their side of the story, or their experience is minimized).

And i see the absence of those vibes, when it’s an unfamiliar belief, people are more curious and open to hear your side of it – like they are towards hindus and muslims and buddhists. This attitude (or energy) filters down to the personal level too. SO i can tell the difference between a person who is open to getting to know me as an individual vs a person who has already established a baseline of who i am based on what they see on the outside – by my race or my religion or my political affiliations.

Let’s keep talking about this though! There are many kinds of statistics that show an absent father is much more damaging than an absent mother. Isn’t that interesting??

Yes, it is interesting, but apparently, the courts don’t care, and they automatically grant a mother full-custody and there is no help for men who are cut out of their children’s lives.

There are MANY reasons why these things are stats.

Are you saying the stats are not even accurate in a generalized way?

Either way, I think it just shows that both men and women have so many limitations and in different ways. It doesn’t make men better than women or vice versa. I think it just shows that we need each other. Where men fall short, women can be strong and fill in the holes and where women fall short, men can support and take care of things.

I agree, with all you’ve said here. I agree with the last sentence too, except for the fact that a lot of time, men are treated as failures, even when they aren’t. For example – all the women who talk of their men as their ‘biggest child’. Totally disgusting and also, totally untrue. however, these women feel their men are falling short in some way, and so they try to fill in those holes and then they get burned out. All they need is a bit more trust in their men, that the ways of a man may be different but just as effective as the ways of a woman.

Anyway – i don’t find this discussion of male/female differences relevant to me. When i come across a woman who inspires me to be like more like her, or inspires me to be a better person myself, i’ll let you know. lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi,

This is a sensitive area for me, so i’m going to be short and stick to facts.

It’s hard to know how to have a belief and also have it be fluid and shiftable and changeable all at the same time.

I don’t know if this is even advisable. In order to fly to the highest heights, a kite needs to be anchored on one end. That Anchor has to be solid and reliable and not fluid. I feel this is the same with people. We fly the highest where there’s one part of our lives that is solidly anchored. For me, that anchor is knowing that i am loved and valued. I believe it is the same for many people, maybe even ALL. WE need to know we matter. And that knowing has to be SOLID.

If you think about it, there is not a single thing on the face of this planet that anyone and everyone can agree upon, believe in, or support.

There used to be one thing that people agreed about. That a person in a male body is a man and a person in a female body is a woman. This is rooted in physical reality and that doesn’t change. Denying physical reality, and causing others to think they are imagining things is gaslighting.

He was implying that once we BELIEVE something, that’s actually when we stop exploring ALL the other possibilities that exist that both support and contradict that belief.

This is true of most people. But a belief that isn’t examined is not reliable. It’s like muscle that is never used – you lose it. To me, the way i ‘use’ my belief muscles is by examining them frequently and seeing if they still hold true, in light of the new things i’m learning. If it contradicts what i believe, i test both my belief and whatever is new. I’ve even tested the possibility that bodies are irrelevant to gender. it is possible IF the physical reality has zero significance. But then, it doesn’t hold true when you take it further. For example – there are people who believe they should be in a disabled body. Does it make sense to amputate healthy limbs? Or to blind seeing eyes? Is a person who believes they’re a horse, truly a horse? And should they be treated as one? TO make all things fluid is foolish. There ARE things that are absolutely TRUE! And my desire is to find the things that are unquestionably TRUE – even IF nobody believes them to be so. Because TRUTH doesn’t need the support of belief in order to make it True. It stands on it’s own. Anything that can be shaken, cannot be fully true. This is why i examine my beliefs regularly. IF i have any areas that are shaky, i need to sift out the lies from that area.

How do we REALLY know what’s true? You could take the top of the top bible scholars/theologians/priests etc. and put them in the same room and they will be able to debate/prove their perspective with VALID study, logic, and reasoning. That’s the reality of any field of study. So who is right? No one and everyone. The bottom line then becomes this…does it matter?

You know what is true by testing it and by going to the Origins. If it wasn’t true in the beginning, it cannot suddenly be true now. The purest, unadulterated truth, minus the opinions, is found where the Truth began. Countless theologians, who know their bible way better than i do, when they began to truly examine their beliefs, ended up becoming Catholic. I approached it from a different angle – i came to it from an Energy level, because i was tired of everyone’s opinions. I wanted to find out if it’s possible to recognize what is TRUE on a physical level, so i wouldn’t have to think about it.

I remembered two things – lie detectors and this naturopathic doctor we went to a long time ago, who diagnosed using muscle strength in the arm. when something is true, the arm holds strong. When it isn’t true, it buckles under the smallest pressure! Using this idea, i examined my beliefs. And i noticed there is a shift in how my body feels if i hold a lie. For example – i used to believe that i was too ugly to wear makeup. Whenever that thought surfaced in my mind, it was accompanied by a certain kind of pain that felt the same as rejection. Only, in this case, i was the one rejecting myself, and the thing that was false was that i was ugly. Nobody is ugly.

In my time away from God, i got to know my body. The greatest errors in the Church are rooted in the belief that the body doesn’t matter. But it does. It matters very much. Our minds are limited to what we have had the opportunities to study and our emotions are limited (and colored) – by our experiences. But our bodies, for some reason, recognize Truth even if it is contrary to our thoughts and feelings. I don’t know if this is 100% fool-proof because – what if your body is injured? can it recognize the truth then? IDK. trying to figure out how to test that.

The bottom line – does it matter? TO me, it does! My energy is chaotic and i need an anchor. Truth is the anchor for me.

Again, it’s important to understand that any perspective or belief we carry, will always be tainted by both nature and nurture.

I agree – perspectives and beliefs are always tainted. That is why reality matters. And the reality is, NOBODY likes working under women. Because IN GENERAL, women are Terrible leaders. There is also statistics to prove that single mom homes are less stable than single dad homes. This is especially seen in how well adjusted the children are or aren’t. Are all these statistics biased?

I am NOT saying what i’m saying only from my own experience. Why have others, the world over, experienced similar things that i have? And it doesn’t even have to be in an single family home or an abusive home of any kind. I was looking at the differences in the energy that men carry and wondering why some of them are effeminate and others aren’t. ONE of the things i observed was the effect of siblings — the more sisters a man has, the more effeminate he is, because he is automatically more pampered. It’s worse if he’s the youngest. On the flip side, if a boy is the youngest of a bunch of brothers, he has zero sympathy and he has to fight for his place in the ‘ranks’ right from the start.

Anyway that’s what i have to say about my beliefs. Especially my Christian ones. i know they are true because of how my body feels in them.

~~ vino

[Vino]

I guess I’m wondering what you think women are missing in their nature, that men have – that makes them a natural leader.

The thing that women are ‘missing’ isn’t as obvious as the thing that men are missing, because the thing that men are missing is physical. Men cannot bear children. It is physically impossible for a man to get pregnant.

I believe our physical reality runs in parallel to spiritual and other unseen realities. The unseen is much deeper than that which is seen. Women can lead, but not in the same way that men can. I don’t think it’s because anything that is ‘missing’. Just as you would never say that a man is missing a womb. But it isn’t in their nature. Just as it isn’t in a man’s reality to get pregnant. Just like a muscle cannot be a bone.

The way I see the differences between men and women are definitely rooted in Christian teachings. I see Christian teachings as honoring of the differences between men and women, and bringing out the best in both. In the non-Christian, secular world, i’ve seen that reinforced, because in the secular world, women have been fighting for equality with men, and the right to do everything that men can do, and they have succeeded in opening all doors to women, but i DO NOT SEE them being as effective or as good as men. So this reinforces for me, the truth in Christian teachings, that the roles of men and women in society are supposed to be different, because men are more successful in some areas, and women are more successful in others. Is that something i am imagining because of my ‘wounds’?!

On an energy level, it feels quite unpleasant to be led by a woman. It doesn’t make as much difference in many secular areas, because skill matters most in those areas. But it Matters big time in the church! Even in the Church, it can be divided further. In informal settings, like bible study classes or seminary, it doesn’t make much difference, – because here, it is knowledge that matters. However, in a formal setting, during a service in Church – it is totally repulsive. This is because the things that need to be done in Church during a formal service, require neither skill nor knowledge. They require something deeper. And this thing is embedded in our bodies. The Church is the only place where this difference is honored. And for a woman to grasp for something that rightfully belongs to a man, is ugly.

What i mean by ‘repulsive’ is the same feeling that you get when you hold two magnets in your hand with similar poles facing – they push each other away. That’s the kind of feeling that i get when i see a woman where a man should be (in church). It’s not a gross or disgusted feeling like when you see someone throw up. For women to fight to become priests and preachers, looks like total contempt for God. I don’t now how they get around the verses that say that only men are allowed to be priests. If they think men made up those verses, then what about the other verses? Didn’t men write ALL of them? Such women have already made themselves greater than God. And i know they are not God. That is all.

[Vino]

Good to hear from you again! i thought i had offended you with something or other that i said, and you’d decided to distance yourself for a time! 🙂 

I never said women can’t be leaders. I said it’s not in their nature, at least, not in a public setting, and the women that we DO hear of who are good leaders are the EXCEPTION, not the norm. Leadership isn’t a woman’s default strength. Have you ever played games online, in which you are supposed to choose what class of people you want to be? Usually, there’s the Warrior, the Healer, and the Magician or Wizard. Their skills are different and the kind of damage they can cause in battle is different based on their class. SO, a Warrior has the greatest strength and has the best offensive weapons and armor. The Healer has greater defense armor and weapons and is best at supporting the team, not leading a charge. The Wizard is your wild card and can either be an asset or a handicap, depending on what skills your wizard is picking up! lol 😀  Anyway – this is how i see men and women – IN GENERAL. You’ll have a random, one in a million woman, who becomes a military leader like Joan of Arc, but that is not the norm. 

The kind of women who inspire me, aren’t necessarily women who have a huge public platform, like Oprah or even Joan of Arc (who is actually a saint in the Catholic Church!) I like women like Laura Ingalls Wilder. She took life by the horns and lived it to the fullest and that inspires me. Her zest for life is accessible to all people, regardless of time and place and resources. I’ve seen a sad mentality showing up in this country – this erroneous idea that you cannot be inspired by a person of a different race and gender. I see this affecting girls and minorities the most. I have no sympathy for this kind of thinking. I think it’s racist and so narrow minded, and it greatly limits the opportunities for your own growth, when you’re constantly on the lookout for someone who looks just like you to succeed, so you can follow their path. Why not BE that person?! 

I love your color analogy! It’s a great way to explain how you are feeling.

Thank you, i love it too! lol 😀 And i like how you played with it and created a new color in a relationship. So, i played with that thought for a bit and tried to see how it would work with my mom. I can see it working with a man. (who isn’t Ethiopian or Indian!) some years ago, i came across THE MOST fascinating article about colors. Somebody had done a study on LITERATURE – tracking colors, to see which colors were mentioned in literature and when. The earliest colors that were written about were the big bright colors – red, blue, purple, green. And as the centuries progressed, more colors popped up. The original theory was that different shades of colors weren’t available till more recently, so there was no name for Chartreuse a 100 years ago. BUT – they found out it’s because people cannot SEE the colors that aren’t important to them. And the colors that are important are specific to location. SO, in this one rural place, they had names for 100s of different shades of green, but only two or three for shades of other colors. For the colors that were unimportant to them, they were not able to differentiate the subtle shades. And colors that they didn’t recognize at all – like purple – they saw it as a color they knew – as a red or a blue. 

SO — here’s what happens when i talk to my mom in my shade of Pink — she doesn’t recognize that it’s a different shade of Pink than hers. Same with Indians & Ethiopians. There are certain things they are simply not capable of seeing or feeling. And in order to avoid being misunderstood, i do not share these colors with them. NOW – why would it be important to not be misunderstood? Because their misunderstanding could have dire consequences. For example – when i was in India, i avoided talking to men in general. IF i talked to any man, i made sure it was to someone much younger than myself, OR, in public. I didn’t do this to protect MYSELF, but to protect THEM. Indians (especially those in India) do not understand that you can have a conversation with someone of the opposite gender that isn’t romantic in nature. So, ANY communication between a male and female – has only one shade of color (unless the man is WAY younger, or the conversation is in public). Even if i could convince ONE individual that i am not interested in him, and just want to be friends – to the rest of the community, we both look like a couple, and if we don’t get married, we look like two individuals with no morals. NOW – i would leave that community because i didn’t belong there – but HE would be stuck there, with a negative reputation attached to him. SO – my course of action was to avoid all contact with men that might look like it was a relationship. There was ONE man i made friends with – he was an intern – and he was from Malaysia. With him, i didn’t care HOW MANY rumors we stirred up (and we did stir up a lot) – i talked with him in public, in private and we even wrote notes back and forth. BUT — we BOTH knew we were just friends and we were enjoying the freedom of being able to just be friends.  Like me, he had been avoiding all women like the plague, because he didn’t want women to misunderstand him. Of course, we also, both left the place behind, so neither one of us was affected by the stories that got stirred up in the people’s heads. 

Anyway – when i was younger, and i was in a situation in which my shade of Pink wasn’t recognized or respected. This made me feel unseen and unloved. So, yes – it triggered a defense mechanism in me, and i rejected all of them and their stupid colors. However, if i want to have a relationship with them, i have to be willing to communicate with them, in the colors that we have in common. If they respect my differences, we can keep the relationship going. IF not, i can still keep it going, but I have to be the one to put in all the effort. So then, i have to decide if they are worth the pain or not. My mom would’ve been the only one worth the pain — but not 100%! Thankfully, the rest of my extended family have come to respect my differences, although it makes no sense to them, and that makes it possible for me to enjoy their company too, and even allow myself to add some of their colors to my life. (I did that by asking my mom to send me one of her sarees to wear – and she got super excited, told her brothers & sisters, and when i spoke to them, they all wanted to buy me brand new silk sarees — they were acting like the prodigal had come home – and i’m happy about that, but they don’t understand that the Past Me still exists and i am proud of her ability to resist and protect herself). (and her children). 

BUT…if you go straight to the core wound and shift the energy there and heal…then you won’t have to search for the good in those you have rejected. Healing those core wounds will naturally do that for you. 
I totally see where you’re coming from about getting to the CORE, and i agree, that it will be effortless to find the good, once the core is healed. BUT how does one go about doing that? When i unravel a knot, i can’t get to the core without damaging the ends. So, i work my way from the outside to the inside. Of course, once i have loosened the external knots, the Core is more visible. The unravelling is happening really fast though, so i won’t be surprised if i get to the Core quite soon. Even as i write to you, i saw how one of the reasons i kept my colors away is because of the lack of respect for what i see and experience. I have no desire to share my colors with such people. The number of mutual relationships possible is very low for me, because i see too many colors. And it’s frustrating when others can’t see the difference – i feel like i always put in more work than the other person in order to find common ground, so if they’re not worth the time and effort for me, i don’t invest. With women, Indians & Ethiopians, they enter into my space with the assumption that there is a common ground because of gender or race or the country we grew up in. But i enter a space with no common ground, and then i look for it, with each individual. i DO enter some spaces with the assumption that they have an assumption, and that creates a block, but i haven’t met a person who has disproved my assumptions yet. (i overcome that block – to some degree- by LISTENing more, and not jumping to conclusions – but that takes a LOT of energy). 

So I’m wondering…what is stopping you from deep diving directly into your wounds around women?

First – i don’t know that there’s a shortcut. Second – distance gives me a greater degree of control. If i just eliminate all distance instantly, i won’t know what hits me. It makes more sense to me to examine individual issues and memories as they come up, and see how my colors were lost in that situation and why. For example, last week, i remembered something that happened when i was about 14 or so. I’d just done a fund-raising walk with my friends – first time we’d done anything like it, we were all high from the experience and excited that they were serving free hamburgers and coke to all participants. The line was EXTREMELY long, but when you’re with friends, the longer the line the better, right? My mom showed up, with some family friends who had a car, and forced me to go back home. I was dead silent on the way back and didn’t try to hide how angry i was. They tried to console me, said they’d make me hamburger at home, etc. THEN – they said – ‘she’s angry because she wanted to be with her friends, it has nothing to do with the hamburger.’ — SO – they were able to figure it out! But, they didn’t take me back, and nobody apologized. Well – it was all just a bad experience till i remembered it again. I examined it closer to see why it had hurt so much – and i saw that they had stolen from me an incredibly amazing treasure that i had earned by my own hard work. None of us were interested in the charity we were raising funds for. That was just a fun game and we competed with each other to see who could get the most sponsors. Nobody made us join the fundraiser, nobody had to push us to get sponsors, nobody had to wake us up at 5am! This was totally inspired and fueled by our own desires. We were feeding off of each others’ energies in a productive, healthy way. The walk was 21km and took us all day, but we’d never had so much fun in our entire 14 yr old lives. What better way to top it off than to eat and drink together? It was our celebration banquet. The jokes and the banter shared at the end of the walk would’ve kept us fed for the rest of our lives as a solid good memory. 

So – when the adults swooped in and decided that the ‘work’ was done and it was time to move on to the next thing — oh boy – they destroyed a LOT of good things that were going on! And all, for their own convenience. They had taken something magical and completely cheapened it. There was no joy in collecting the donations and turning it in, because that’s not what it was about for me. I couldn’t care less about whoever the money was for. Anyway – i’d never spent so much time analyzing that pain. But i understand why it was so hard for me to forgive them for such a ‘small’ thing and why it has been so hard to let it go. A lost experience can never be replaced. So each experience should be savored to its fullest and never truncated and aborted before it has given us all that it holds. I guess i’ll always be the last to leave a party! lol 🙂  But, you know what else this opened up for me? I started to wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that i never finish what i start? Do you suppose, there’s a part of me that feels that my rewards would be stolen from me, so why bother working so hard for it? It IS true, that i’ve never gone after anything that required too much effort on my part. If it didn’t come to me naturally, i wasn’t interested in it. SO, i’ve used my brain more than my body. 🙁 

And even my brain – i abort it – i don’t go as far as i COULD go with it. I study till it gets close to finishing something, and then, i lose steam. I am always able to graduate with good grades, but i’ve never been at the top, except by accident. So, i’ve never valued my scholarly accomplishments – because i never worked for them. The ONLY thing i’ve ever worked for is protecting my kids from lies. And yes – it was reactionary parenting, which is why i failed them in many ways. I”m always grateful to notice in them the absences of the fears and prejudices in myself. Their thinking patterns are different from mine. I’ve always been curious about how they make the decisions that they make, so i like to ask them questions to show me their thought processes. Even with something as simple as choosing a coloring book or a puzzle book, we have subtle differences, and is SO COOL to notice! 

Anyway – i don’t have a lot of memories to work with. So, i need to examine the ones i still remember, and find out why it holds a charge for me still. And perhaps more memories will surface when i clear the ones that are visible to me? idk. i only know that i’ve blocked a lot of stuff. even now, especially when i’m tired, i just don’t want to know. Holding memories is hard work. 
~~ vino

 I’m guessing you didn’t watch the sex one, since it has to do with only women. It might be a bit much for you at this point. 

I’m watching them in order. Which episode is the sex one? there seems to be some degree of sex in all of them! lol 🙂 When you say the sex one has to do with only women, is it the lesbian women? NO – i do not discriminate. I am curious about everything! lol 😀 
idk how you have time to read all that i write. It is truly helpful to me to write things out and put all my cards out on the table as it were. Thank you so much for your time! 

[Vino]

Heidi — SO MANY things clarifying!! From my response to you – i started to understand WHY i was avoiding sharing intimate things with women — from there, i have also understood my avoidance of Indians and Ethiopians — and this evening, i went to church and there were all these Indians there, for a wedding – oh– so many AWESOME things falling into place!

SO — my issue with women – particularly mom – has to do with BOUNDARIES. I mentioned some weeks ago, that being vulnerable with women makes me feel ICKY. At that time, i thought the ICKY feeling was different from Fear. But, i see how they are related. AND i can explain my ICKY feeling too. I’m going to use my mom as an example again. So – sharing things with her is like pouring out my feelings into a bucket between us – except that, she looks at my feelings and pours her own into the bucket too, so then, my feelings get mixed with hers and mine get lost in hers, because her feelings are stronger. IF we were mixing colors, it’s like my colors are pastels, and hers are intense brights. Then, she assumes she knows my feelings, because all she sees in the bucket are her own colors. And this leaves me feeling completely unseen. This feeling of getting lost in her feelings, is what i feel as ICKY, because it is disgusting and gross to me. So, i dump out the bucket – with her colors AND MINE – and i am left with no colors (which looked like lack of feelings).

IN order to avoid mixing colors with my mom, i kept all my colors to myself. The thing that i’ve been Avoiding all my life — is getting lost in someone else’s feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. And this is because my boundaries are So, so, so weak. I am not well defined – unless i’m in the presence of someone who is VERY OPPOSITE of myself. And a White man is the MOST Opposite of myself. Not just externally, but also experientially – so, in his colors, my colors are not lost. He also doesn’t overpower my colors, because his own boundaries are well defined, so he doesn’t bleed into me. My mom’s colors mixed with mine because SHE didn’t have her colors contained either. IF a man’s boundaries are not well defined, i distance myself from him, like i would from my mom.

So, today, when i went to church, i saw all these Indians, they just had a wedding ceremony and were leaving — so i saw them outside the church, all of the women (and a lot of the men too) – dressed in all their beautiful colors – all so bright and so varied, no two outfits alike – it was spectacular. I’ve never, ever, ever felt comfortable in an Indian wedding. I don’t feel comfortable in fancy Indian clothes, so i always wore plain, simple clothes. BUT those made me feel uncomfortable too, because i looked like i was the only one not dressed for a wedding. I sat in my car and watched all of them, and i forced myself, mentally, to join them, in a colorful Indian outfit, and a sense of loss filled me. I could sense that i wasn’t a part of their group – i was just a guest. BUT, i didn’t care if i fit with them or not, the thing that bothered me the most was — if JB showed up, would he recognize me? Or would i be lost among the others? Kind of like my colors lost in my mother’s? Will i be recognized as myself? or seen as one of the group? Or not seen at all, because there’s nothing that sets me apart from the group?

Why, do i not feel well defined when i am with a group of Indians? Why are my boundaries so weak when i am with people who are similar to me? Ethiopians make me lose my boundary too, because i am familiar with them. And that is the same thing that happens when i am with women. It isn’t that i have a WALL! it is that i have NO BOUNDARIES at all! SO, in an effort to stay separate and not lose myself in the others, i harden myself and create as much physical distance as possible. If that’s not possible, i create mental and emotional distance. so, yes, there is fear – fear of merging with the other. This is why i feel unsafe with other women, with Indians and Ethiopians and others who share similar cultural outlooks.

Lastly, i watched a MOST intriguing episode on Netflix. Episode 6 of season 1 of a really weird documentary called Sex, Love & Goop. i looked it up because Michaela Boehm mentioned it and i have her book The wild woman. If you get a chance to watch episode 6, you absolutely have to! They do something called family constellations and there’s a whole group of people who are ‘resonators’. The person with the problem picks a resonator for themselves, and various family members. No words are exchanged, it’s all energy work. So, the person places their hands on the chosen resonator, and the resonator simply speaks what they are feeling and experiencing, and it’s truly intriguing when they are able to express the feelings of the Person who touched them! Kind of freaky. Anyway – the other resonators channel other family members and they don’t know who they are channeling – they just express what they are feeling and you get to see the inner emotions and thought patterns of family members. So, you get to SEE in real time – patterns from your ancestors!

anyway – the idea behind the whole thing is to see which of the patterns are in yourself and be able to break from them. AS i watched, i recognized the work i’ve done on my own, in my rabid desire to distance myself from my mother and everyone else who is similar to me in any way – i broke away from MANY patterns. I can see how i was affected by all the patterns passed down to me, BUT, my rebellion stopped the patterns from being passed on to my children! it is true, that in recklessly rejecting everything, i have rejected the good things too, BUT – i passed on a clear palette to the kids and provided a space for them to pick and choose the colors that they want, instead of imposing colors onto them.

As i sat in church, trying to figure out how on earth i could create boundaries within myself so i can safely interact with Indians, Ethiopians and other women, my eyes fell on the stained glass windows. They were full of so many colors. But all the colors are CLEAR, so the light can shine through them. ALSO – there are heavy dark lines between the colors. The boundaries do NOT look bad! In fact, they look really good, and they bring out the best in each of the colors. They prevent the colors from bleeding into each other, and from dampening each other. I realized that I am like a stained glass window – at least, i was meant to be – except that i have dumped out all my colors. When i find the good in Indians and in women – it will be like i have found those colors and if i can clean them up and put them in their right places – they will be clear, but also colorful. This is now my quest – to find the good in all those whom i have rejected and rebuild by color palette. 🙂

I always thought i was a terrible mother, and maybe i was in some ways, but that’s because my goal was to protect my children from the thing that had swallowed me up. i did such a good job of passing a clear palette onto them, that they don’t even know what gender they are. They are picking and choosing the colors that resonate with them and I have been strong enough to hold a clear space for them, so they are free to do that! I also blocked my own colors from passing on to them too, because i never trusted my own colors to be truly mine. That is why neither of them go to Church. I’ve only passed on to them, some non-negotiable values – like respecting themselves, and others. As i watched that episode – i realized that my kids don’t have to worry about their ancestral patterns – at least, not the ones from my side of the family. I Broke the chains. (at least all the ones i was aware of!) lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

There’s a thought i came across when i was in my massage therapy training. It was triggered by the pages of my anatomy book. I was exempted from it because i did nursing, but, it had been so long, that i wanted to redo the course. It was a much simpler course than the one i did in nursing school, so we went through the various systems fairly quickly. The muscular system came right after the skeletal system.

The chapters were laid out neatly, and at the start of each chapter was the main functions of the system we were about to study. Usually just 5 to 6 main points. And i was completely blown away by the functions of the skeletal and muscular system. IN fact, at first, i thought there was a mistake, because they were identical. Then i looked closer, and i saw that there were a few differences, so, they hadn’t done a ‘copy&paste’ thing. But, i was totally fascinated by the functions that were identical: 1. Protection – both systems protect vital organs. 2. Structure – both systems create form and structure to house the internal, vital organs, and the body as a whole. 3. Movement – the work together make the body move.

For some reason, i started to see bones as male and muscles as female and tested out my analogy to see how far it could go. When a bone is weak – fracture or soft bone – the muscles around it harden up/reduce in flexibility/ in order to minimize or eliminate movement – to protect the bone and internal organs from further injury. Basically – the hardening of a muscle is a defense mechanism, and it isn’t an ideal state for the muscle, because the muscle starts to be in pain after holding this stiffness for too long.

Bones – are SUPPOSED to be hard – but if they are not well nourished, they are brittle and break easily. Or they are missing key nutrients and they are soft. Either ways, bones cannot carry out their function if they are soft and flexible like muscles.

Another analogy that Christ uses to describe the Church is ‘Body’. He is the Head, and the Church is his body. Men for the skeletal system, Women the muscular. The vital organs are the children and those with simple, childlike trusting minds. The ones who can easily be led astray. The ones who are completely dependent on the stronger parts of the body, for protection, and nourishment. When bones become soft and muscles become hard, the body is not healthy. This is how i see male and female energies in the church. We are doing our best work, when we work together, within our own strengths. We can do the same things – lead, protect, teach, etc. but HOW we do it, is different.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Good morning, Heidi!

I think i can answer ALL thoughts that came up by explaining how i see Strong and Weak. It has nothing to do with vulnerability. You can be extremely emotional and not at vulnerable at the same time! Such people are using their explosive emotions as a shield to hide their true hearts. Same with those who don’t express themselves at all. I think the extremes are all in a similar boat. They are dangerous to themselves and those around them.

Ok – so — how i define strong & weak — it has to do with boundaries. A weak person has no boundaries, especially emotional ones. It’s especially hard for empaths to create emotional boundaries, because they are naturally more giving (emotionally), than others. Since more women are empaths, this inability to create healthy emotional boundaries mostly affects women.

So – at the time that Fr M and i communicated a lot – i was in an extremely weak place. On the one side, i had zero boundaries, and on the other, i was completely blocking my emotions from expressing. I think this is what made me ‘bipolar’. 😉 IN the state that i was in, i was not strong enough to be a support to anyone. What i assumed was my ‘strength’ was my ability to not express emotion. This was false – because i was just brittle – there’s only so much one can take when one is simply hard. The reason why i thought my hardness was strength, was because i was NOT devoid of emotions – i could feel them very intensely, as if they were my own – this too was a weakness, but i saw it as compassion/kindness, etc – because i could feel what others felt. (or thought i could).

It feels icky to share with a person who doesn’t have boundaries – because they absorb my emotions and feelings, and add their own colors to it, and react to their concoction as if it is mine. This makes it very difficult for a young person (or one without boundaries, like myself) – to identify which parts of the emotion is their OWN and which parts are coming from the other person. For me – since i didn’t like my mother – i was repulsed by the entire concoction which was more full of HER flavors and colors than my own – and i rejected the whole thing – including my own — hence my ‘hard-heartedness’. I still don’t share things with my mom, or with any other woman, while my emotions are in their ‘raw’ state – because raw, is naturally more bloody and sticky. I have to process my emotions, experience them myself so i know the flavors and the textures of them, and THEN i can share them. So an example of that would be – a lot of my fear has been processed – and i can now share them with my mother. She responds with her own fears and expresses them very well – and i can clearly say – actually – that’s not the part that i was afraid of, i was afraid of this other part and this is the reason i was afraid of it.

When i need support for my RAW emotions – men are more reliable because they don’t have a clue what i’m feeling and they don’t pretend they know, and in their effort to understand me, they force me to examine my emotions more accurately and that helps me process what i’m feeling. So – my heart experience yesterday – was a first – because it was RAW but it wasn’t painful! OMG! it continued in the night! when i lay down to sleep (I sleep on my belly) – i felt the pulsations happening again – they were more on the upper left side of my body and they spread from my heart, to my left shoulder, up the left side of my neck and ended at my lips! Then, a random one started at my tip of my right hand and went down my right leg because my hand was touching my leg. Anyway — so – that’s my definition of strong and weak – strong is a person who has healthy emotional boundaries and weak is a person who has zero boundaries or absolutely nothing BUT walls. A vulnerable person is one who has healthy emotional boundaries – so they KNOW their own emotions and feelings and can share them freely or not – depending on the situation, and they know themselves well enough that they can send their emotions out from themselves with no danger of drowning someone else, or disappearing in the emotions of others. I’m not fully there yet, but i’m getting much better at identifying what MY feelings are. And the reason i don’t want to share raw emotions with women, is simply because, i think it’s a privilege to be trusted with a raw unprocessed emotion, that trust needs to be earned.

For some reason, I misunderstood your experiences with women. I had it in my mind that they were dominant in a controlling way, but it didn’t register that you were also abused by them.

I’m surprised i didn’t share this with you sooner. I’m never one to protect the women in my life! lol 😀 They did me a favor though, by whatever it was that they did to me (i was 6 or 7 yrs old and don’t remember the details) — they hardened my heart towards women and that, in my opinion, is a good thing. Women are very good at disguising their hearts because they have a gentle demeanor that naturally inspires trust. To this day, i am incapable of telling what woman can be trusted and what can’t – if they aren’t overtly obnoxious and annoying. So, for example, when i met my brother’s fiancee for the first time, and he asked me if how i felt about her – i had no clue. I tried, SO HARD for his sake, to ‘sense’ all things good about her, or even look for possible hidden evil – but it was totally blank. A relationship with a woman is a huge risk. You never know when she might turn on you. And this evil in her can lay low and dormant for Many years. I feel sorry for every man who enters into a relationship with a woman.

It sounds like you don’t really feel that a woman could be a good “leader” of a church because it’s not her “role.” No – a woman cannot be a good leader, because it isn’t in a woman’s nature to be a leader in a public setting. Have you worked for women? They are terrible managers! A woman, in order to be a good leader, has to use her masculine energy. But, this masculine energy is the ‘weaker’ side of a woman – so she has to harden it – and it easily falls into becoming toxic. The other part is – lack of boundaries again — women cannot separate personal issues from business. When i was in nursing school, ALL admin and teachers, and the nursing department in the hospital, were women. The amount of actions carried out by these women based on their jealousies and envies was astronomical! It’s like we were in a battle field every day, and every day, each woman had to win. There were as many sides as there were women. They ‘recruited’ new students into their camps by picking them to be their favorites. I was valued because i was a ‘foreigner’ and the principal tried to own me first. Thankfully, it wasn’t until 3 yrs later that my friend Reeta opened my eyes to what was going on around me – i was entirely clueless, and none of the teachers or the nursing staff were able to ‘capture’ me. A few respected me for that. Most, hated me. And all that time, i thought i was just a nursing student. But no – there was deep drama all around me. lol 😀

Anyway – women are horrible leaders. Those who ARE successful – are not the norm, they’re the exception. Men, have natural leadership abilities.

Women can’t be priests because men decided that it was what God said.

False. This would make the Church a man-made institution. Which it isn’t. GOD assigned different people to different roles. He didn’t assign priesthood to all men either. You have to be called to be a priest, you don’t take it for yourself. The Church is a Family. God is the Father. We are all his Children. He has assigned different people to different roles so all his children’s needs will be taken care of. This is why i feel like i am well taken care of, although i cannot see how.

These same men taught that Mary Magdelene was a prostitute for centuries (because a woman to be so influential and powerful in that time was not acceptable) and then when it was finally proven that she wasn’t, the Catholic church STILL kept teaching it for another 500 years. Finally, the Catholic Church publicly admitted that Mary Magdelene was not a prostitute. I can’t remember how long ago that was, but I remember I was taught that she was a prostitute in growing up in my church. It’s so sad!

The most honored person in the Catholic Church is Mary the Mother of Jesus. I believe the second most honored woman in the Church, is Mary Magdalene. She is known as the Apostle to the Apostles in the Eastern orthodox church. She was the first disciple that Jesus appeared to after his resurrection. That is a HUGE HONOR. it is true that she wasn’t a prostitute – she was possessed by 7 demons. BUT — what is the issue with her being a prostitute? IS that something to be ashamed of? Most women went into prostitution because they were somehow forced into it. Jesus saw these women as equal to any other woman and raised their value back to what it was! So, what IF Mary Magdalene was a prostitute? I hope she was! Then, it adds more meaning to the fact that Jesus chose to appear to her first after his resurrection!

The women who supported Jesus and the apostles in their ministries are known, acknowledged and honored. Nobody felt threatened by them or their success. Paul mentions in his letters, all the women who supported him – they were business women, and they had much wealth. Their husbands aren’t mentioned, which means, their businesses were their own, and they were free to use their profits in any which way they chose. IF they did have husbands, their husbands weren’t trapping these women in any way. Even before Jesus’s time, there were women in Israel who were wealthy and free to live their lives as they pleased and spend their money as they wanted – many of them took care of the prophets, because prophets went from town to town and usually owned nothing. There was the woman who took care of Elijah, and even had a small house built for him, so he could stay freely whenever he was in town. She had a husband for sure – and she consulted with him, but he didn’t get in the way of her desires. Men are not threatened by successful women. Those who ARE threatened by a successful woman – are immature, weak men.

For example, a recent story in the news was about a father who was escorted out of a school meeting. The “board” was saying that there was no report of his daughter being sexually assaulted at school. They were denying everything. He “lost it” and became “disgustingly emotional” as you would say, in defense of his daughter and the lies they were telling the public. Would you consider that inappropriate or too emotional?

No. This is not an example of ‘disgustingly emotional’. If this is the same story that i read – the identity of the kid who raped his daughter was kept a secret and he went to another school and raped another girl there as well. This father, did NOT lose control of himself and kill anyone or set the school on fire or anything else he could’ve done because of his anger. It is never wrong to get angry over injustice. Injustice to another, or to yourself. The line is crossed when you ADD to the injustice because you cannot control your anger. This line can even be crossed verbally – by making sarcastic disparaging remarks that are intended to humiliate and destroy another person. BUT the way things are nowadays, criminals are valued more than victims, and the voices of victims are being silenced again. (and their families). to me, THAT is disgusting.

What i mean by ‘disgustingly emotional’ is all the emotional spilling that is intended to control and manipulate a situation or a person, or keep the focus on oneself, or avoid responsibility or distract from the issue at hand to play victim. Women do this when they ‘compete’ with stories of struggles to show how much the ‘understand exactly what you’re going through’. I’ve caught myself doing that so many times! It starts innocently enough – you look for something that you are familiar with in order to understand what the other person is sharing. BUT — even if they are sharing the EXACT SAME thing that you went through – their experience of it could be entirely different! So, it’s really useless to try to find a similar story to share! Just listen! And make space for the one who is sharing to bring out and explore all their emotions in your presence! It’s very hard for women to not spill their own emotions into a space. It’s very hard for me not to spill too! Whenever i encounter ideas that are contrary to mine, i want to spill.

i’ve noticed that some spills are more acceptable than others. For example, it is more acceptable for a woman to spill her displeasure about her husband than the other way round. It is more acceptable for a ‘minority’ to spill their pain than for a white person. It is more acceptable for a liberal to spill their opinions than for a conservative. It is more acceptable for a person of any religion to spill their beliefs, than it is for a Christian. I wonder why.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Oooooooh! Lots of juicy topics! lol 😀 I’ve bookmarked the movie to watch it this weekend!

So were you able to discover what was in that hole? What makes it a hole? Why is it that you think a man would fill it?

The Hole is just all the things that i haven’t had in the form that i wanted to have it in. SO – in the case of a man – my life has been FULL of really good men. Just that none of them were the right one to be in an intimate relationship with. So the ‘hole’ became the absence of a man to share my life with. That is the biggest part of the hole. All of my disappointments contributed to growth of the hole too – like not being invited to parties, not being allowed to go the one time i WAS invited. Not having pretty clothes, not looking good in pretty clothes if i happened to have one! lol 🙂 The list is endless. Over time, most of those things became less and less important to me. Like being invited to a party. I couldn’t care less. However, the absence of a man, has increased and not diminished over time.

The only reason i think a man would fill that space is because a man has never been in that space, and so, my mind looks for what’s missing in my reality and assumes that the presence of that thing, will fill the space. And this is the place that i had never questioned before – what makes me so sure that it is a MAN that will fill that space?! I never thought i could be wrong about what fits in the hole.

What would a man be giving you to fill that hole, that you are not doing yourself?

I don’t believe we are meant to be isolated creatures. I am looking for a friend who knows me inside out and whom i also know inside out. Most of my friendships are one way – meaning – I’m either known or I know, not both. For example – with Fr M – he knew me quite well, because i had no filters and shared myself with him freely, however, he took on the roll of being the strong one, and never once shared himself with me in the same way as i shared myself with him. It would’ve been inappropriate. He DID share a few relevant things, if they would help me out of a place i was stuck in, BUT, i could never be the person he could come to for advice or comfort when HE was in a weak place. I was too weak to support him. In my relationships with other women, i’m the one who is confided in, and i’ve never felt free to confide in a woman in return. SO – my desire is for a friendship in which we can be strong for each other and also weak in each other’s presence. This would make me feel like we are both equal. I have no desire to create such a relationship with a woman. I like the female energy in myself, and i need male energy to ‘dance’ with, not another female energy, if that makes sense.

You were sexually abused by men, so that is going to influence your personal beliefs. You also come from a culture where women are “less than” and do not have the same freedoms as men, yes? Even though you may not personally believe in that way of life, your DNA carries those beliefs from your bloodline/culture. This has been extensively studied by science. What science is discovering about what our DNA carries, is so fascinating. I won’t go down the rabbit hole but just wanted to expose you to the idea of it.

This is true – the centuries of culture and abuse alter your DNA. It’s really fascinating stuff! i don’t know when i found out about it, but it has helped me be far more compassionate towards Indians who are deeply trapped. I was also abused by women, so on that front, it’s all equal. I believe that the wounds caused by abusive women are different than the wounds caused by abusive men. I discussed this with my Psychiatrist and she got curious, went in search of books/articles, anything that might support or not support my feelings, and she found only ONE book about children who were abused by women. It was a collection of stories from men and women, and their trouble getting support, and being heard, simply because everyone assumes that women do not sexually abuse children. SO – there’s a HUGE gaping hole there in research, that has simply let women off the hook based on some stupid assumption that FAVORS women.

As for my culture, in all honesty, it totally baffles me. We had a female prime minister before any of the rest of the world did. There was a female politician in my state who was worshipped like a goddess. So, i’m guessing the primary discrimination is the caste system and the secondary one is gender, because the women who go into politics are generally from higher caste. I am from a lower caste, and i believe i’ve reaped the benefits of breaking free of the oppressive nature of my DNA, because of the forward thinking of my grandfather, which my father nurtured further, which grew in leaps and bounds in me due to exposure to western cultures. I can tell the difference when i see the lives of other Indians whom i grew up with, and although we had similar experiences, they are still so deeply steeped in their cultures and we are worlds apart in the way we live our lives now. Many of them live in the US and are still trapped inside their cultures. Like their inability to build close relationships with non-Indians. fascinating to me. I wish there was a way of finding out what parts of my ancestral DNA is still controlling me! I’ve worked hard to break free from it because of my deep dislike and distrust of all things Indian. Oh – i just remembered something my cousin told me – my entire caste was more forward thinking than other low castes and they believed that if they could get an education or build wealth with solid businesses, they could raise their standing in society regardless of their caste – so there’s that mentality too, that i feel helped me and my family.

Tell me more about your perception on this. I see a history of women not being able to work, vote, express their opinions, read books, being restricted from the church, still not able to become priests, burned at the stake for “witchcraft”, don’t have equal pay in all jobs, and still to this day in other cultures, they are not allowed to even drive or be educated. We have evolved a lot over the decades and are more equal today than we have ever been, but I do not see that we have “always” been able to exercise our emotional strengths. I’m guessing we might be talking about 2 different things.

We are either talking about two different things are simply seeing two sides of the same coin. I will focus on the Church area, because this is close to my heart. The Church, is not a business organization. It is a family. It is an extremely large family, so things are written down to keep things in order, and this creates the appearance of a business organization full of different job positions, some of which are not open to women. Here’s how I see it — to me, the Church feels like a family. On an energy level. I actually feel more at home in the Church than i ever did in my family growing up. I feel loved, i feel taken care of, i feel seen, and i feel like a valued member, I also feel like i am known by name. There’s a group on FB that i’m a part of, with catholics from around the world. The energy of that space is the EXACT same energy that i used to feel when i was a child, and we visited family in India – i didn’t know anybody’s names, but i knew they were all my uncles and aunts and cousins. It’s an entirely different energy when you are in a large gathering full of friends vs relatives. The energy i used to feel in all the churches i attended before, was that of a gathering of friends. SO, i was quite surprised, when i experienced this Family Vibe in the Catholic church.

That turned into a larger intro than i expected. lol 🙂 SO – the role of men and women within this family — why is it the way it is? To me, it’s beautiful beyond explanation. THIS arrangement of roles PERFECTLY Honors both men AND women. How? You said it yourself, earlier, that the men need to produce and women need to connect. How does one make this happen in a large family where there’s a lot of work to do? Well — you set aside some time, to come together as a family, and men can be in their strength and do all the work, and women can be in their strength and do all the receiving and connecting. TO me, this is beautiful beyond words. I revel in it ever time i walk into church. My presence is celebrated! i don’t have to DO ANYTHING! I just have to receive. I just have to be served, by men and by angels. Why would any woman want to give up this honor?

Also – what honor is there in taking that which belongs to the man? A man is in his most receptive state when he is serving others. This is HIS opportunity to serve, to think of the needs of another before himself. Service to others softens the heart of a man. In honoring another, he himself becomes more honorable. And you can SEE it in his body language! Even a boy who is simply leading an older woman to an empty seat – the way he stands — his heart is full! He has been of service!

Anyway – this is how i view the roles of men and women within the church. It has nothing to do with the abilities of men and women. It has to do with our innate nature. The receptivity of the female energy and the giving nature of the male energy isn’t isolated to the Church! I mean, it’s all over the internet, and everyone believes it’s the holy grail to cure all relationship problems! The ENTIRE Church, for centuries, has been celebrating male and female energies! But, like all things that are human, people screw up a good thing, when they become greedy and that which was meant to honor both becomes a way of dishonoring both. In all honesty, i’ve never experienced the perfect balance of male and female anywhere outside the church. IF you hear otherwise, pay close attention – to the WHOLE person! You’ve gotten to know me over the past 2 yrs and you know i’m sensitive to energies. I wasn’t Catholic when i started writing to you. I wasn’t going to any church at all. My movement to the Catholic church wasn’t a mental thing, it was a heart thing. I told God there’s no way i could be a Christian if it was just going to add stress to my life, because i’m done with stress.

Something interesting happened this morning – i got a gift. I was telling God how unsettling ‘growth’ feels – because it throws me off balance when i let go of old patterns and there’s this moment when i’ve got no grip on anything – since i’ve let go of the old but haven’t yet gripped the new – and it’s terrifying to be in this place like i’m suspended in the air, free-falling. Then, i got a message from JB. for some reason, it started to warm up my heart. I noticed the sensation instantly, and re-read his message a hundred times, trying to figure out what on earth he had said that had warmed me up. It wasn’t in the words. So, i figured, perhaps it was in his energy, behind the words, and i felt a deep appreciation fill me up, for whatever energy it was that was behind his words to me, because it felt so infinitely good! For an hour, the warmth increased and spread. I lost thought of all things and simply focused on the sensation. The fact that it didn’t fade, even though my thoughts had faded, made me think that it was from God rather than JB. it’s not the first time JB has brought me a gift from God. So, i just sat there, soaking it in, just feeling good for no reason, fully connected, fully blessed. As i write about it, i can feel it again. it intensified when i put a scarf over my head! It spread out from my chest and when it got to my shoulders my arms went weak. I had no desire to stand or lie down, or sit cross legged. I was sitting at the end of my couch, like i would’ve been sitting on a church pew. It felt better when i turned to the right and both my legs were bent and turned towards the left. I just played with the sensation because it was so strong and it wasn’t emanating from any thoughts, so i could freely move my body inside of it, and explore different positions, without losing it! it was amazing! it had it’s own pulse that was separate from my heart beat – it was faster. It also had a buzz to it, a low vibration, which i could see on the scarf.

well – i have to go feed the kid. I will share my thoughts about pent up or spilled emotions in my next post!

~~ vino

[Author]

Posts