[Vino]

When a memory returns to me, i examine it to see if i can remember the decisions i made, and if it fits a pattern. The memory of meeting David, brings up two things — 1. There was a lot of guilt. I felt like i had wronged the ex, taken advantage of him, used him, etc. So — in order to assuage my guilt i did
— 2. Sacrificed my own happiness for his

In the case above situation, i had zero choice in the matter – but i had put myself in that place. The only way to have avoided that situation was to never have gotten married in the first place.

But – that’s a pattern – i’m quick to sacrifice my own happiness, and a lot of times, it’s due to feelings of guilt. it’s perfectly ok to put your happiness aside for a time, but it shouldn’t come from a place of guilt. Or shame. In this situation, the guilt was warranted (at that moment in time) – because i DID marry him primarily because he was American and not at all for anything about HIM that i valued.

I sacrificed the exploration of the US! I never got to see anything other than chinatown, and that’s not the US to me! i didn’t come here to be surrounded by Chinese 24/7! i coudln’t even make friends with them because they didn’t speak English. And i felt no need to learn Chinese because i wasn’t in China! i HATED living in Chinatown. But we did it to be near his mother. Everything was about his needs and wants.

You know, he never took me to a ball game, because he doesn’t like sports! But i’d never been to one, and i wanted to experience it. Also never went to a broadway show – because they were ‘too expensive’. Never went to the top of the Empire state building – because ‘that’s what tourists do’. SO much to explore in NYC and we never explored. When we were ‘dating’ he’d say he wished he could show me stuff in the neighborhood he grew up in. once we got there, he lost interest in showing me the things that were important to him. To be fair, i wasn’t interested in getting to know his world either.

I want to explore every nook and cranny of this country! it’s such a beautiful place and i love, love, loooooooooooove driving through – so much to see. oh gosh, i could spend the rest of my life on the road and be totally happy!

When we bought a house, it was painful. It had a sense of permanence about it that didn’t feel good. He was so excited about the house and remodeling the kitchen and stuff. I remember the man who came to rebuild the kitchen. one time, when he was there, i’d been crying. The way he spoke to me was different after that – he was so gentle and kind in a way. i felt like he could see the huge ball of pain in me. I tried hard not to hate the house. when i packed up and left it, i thanked the house for being good, and for giving me a safe place to live. i just felt so bad that i couldn’t love it. it wasn’t the house’s fault.

i am feeling super emotional today. Couldn’t walk. need to clean up the house. My sister is bringing a patient (who happens to be an old family friend), this weekend. So, on Sunday, i have to figure out how to pick her up, and she’ll be with me for a week. My car is in the garage. lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Here’s another of Mike’s famous hypnosis tracks — https://mikemandelhypnosis.com/castle/

I’ve listened to other hypnosis tracks and HIS are by far, the AbSolute Best!

Anyway — i don’t know why the story about David surfaced. but it made me remember that my marriage wasn’t a cold-hearted, calculated gamble. i WAS open to building a relationship with the ex. it wasn’t till i saw David, that i knew, no matter how good our relationship became, i’d never laugh like i did with David. I felt guilty for not loving him as much as i loved David. I completely cut David out of my mind and heart, in order to focus on building, what i knew would be a less happier life. It was a silent sacrifice, that’s all. i was willing to do it again, when i found out he was gay. that was my entire goal of the marriage counselling we went to. i wanted to find out if HE was making any effort – just that it wasn’t visible to me – and my thoughts were — IF he is making an effort, i would respect that effort and remain in the marriage, even though there’s ZERO chances of even a drop of happiness for me in that relationship. I was actually quite relieved that he wasn’t making any effort.

how i recognized his lack of effort was in the contrast between the image he projected while with the counselor and his instant change the minute we stepped out of the office. There was never any continuation of the conversations we’d begun, either in person or in writing. and even on the day he got super emotional and cried, as soon as we got in the car, he called his friend and made a date, and his voice was perfectly normal. The counselor, of course, would never witness this larger picture. And neither did anyone else in our lives. He was always one person when there was someone else around and someone else when there was no one to impress.

Do you still feel like your heart died or were you speaking about your past thoughts about it? i was speaking my current thoughts about it. When it happened, there were no thoughts, just excruciating pain, and i was trying so hard to cry quietly so nobody would ask me what’s wrong. This morning, i remembered how i cried, when i released myself to cry – and i believe my initial ‘tortured cries’ where from this time. I had promised myself that i’d allow myself to release the cry in any way in which it came out without judging anything about it. I was shocked by the intensity of it. I remember thinking – this is how i might’ve cried if someone had tied me up and ripped my to shreds with a whip. It wasn’t even a cry to beg for the whipping to stop, it was more like the last cries before dying, because there was no more reason to live, and you actually WANT to die, but you’re being forced to live so you could be tortured some more.

i don’t know if all that makes sense. Today, in the memories, i feel no pain, so that’s why i think the pain got released in those crying sessions i had for myself. What i DO remember is the joy that David brought to me. What was so different about my friendship with him, than with all the others i’ve known over the years? Will anyone ever make me laugh so freely again, as David did? My relationship with JB has been so clouded with desires for a particular outcome, so it was very cluttered at first. Over time, i’ve been removing all the clutter that i’ve created, which is why our relationship is far more peaceful now. With David, there was never any clutter – we were 6 – the only future in our lives was dinner time and we weren’t in charge of that. lol 🙂 So all we had to do was play. And i was always SO happy that David wanted to play with me. So, everytime i saw him, i was ready to play. It was like a reflex action. i couldn’t control it. lol 🙂

Anyway. My body is extremely exhausted and limp today. I think God is doing surgery on my heart. After i became aware that gambled my heart for this country, and lost, i asked God to put me back together so i could love again with a whole heart. Perhaps he was showing me that i’m not a cold hearted gambler. i don’t know. But i am grateful for the memory. i’m always happy when i think of David. i hope there’s someone in his life who brings him as much joy as he brings to me!

i failed to respond to some of the things in your previous response!

The virtual challenge is on theconqueror.events — and some of their challenges have street views, but the AT doesn’t. you can enter your miles manually or hook it up to popular fitness trackers so the data is transferred automatically. i live in NY – and there are a LOT of trails in the Hudson valley – Blue mountains etc. I’m going to join a local hiking group and go on the local trails. It’ll be fun to see how many local trails will fit into the AT! 🙂

So – with my kids — the first discussion we had with no undercurrents of my emotions getting in the way – was about how to introduce them to my friends. When i asked them, i had this sense that i truly wanted to know, and i wasn’t just doing it to appease them in some way. So, i could ask them – do you see yourself as my son? Or daughter? The younger one said: “Just say ‘kid’. i know it’ll be hard for you to call me your son.” The older one said: “I just see myself as your kid, not daughter.” So, i’ve got two kids now. lol 🙂 And it won’t be awkward for me to introduce them to my friends, as we’ve openly settled what they are comfortable with. And neither could think of any other situation that they felt awkward in, but i’ve established a space in which they are free to share any discomforts they have. So, it was a slight shift, but to me, it was still quite distinct. We have SO MUCH going right in our relationship, that whatever changes we make are like fine-tuning – they are very subtle and the shifts are more in attitude and emotional angle than action.

is that a bit more detailed? lol 🙂 it was deep without seeming deep from the outside! lol 🙂

Heidi, i truly appreciate having this space to talk things over! such a gift!! 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Mike invented Mindscaping – here’s his explanation of it: https://youtu.be/r5YI_pJj6h4

I haven’t studied the course yet, so i don’t know how to DO it. But the way it was done on me – it worked like a guided meditation in reverse – so – instead of the guide telling you to picture yourself in a certain place – you pick your own place and describe it and the guide asks clarifying questions, and adds variables into the image your creating.

So – for me – she started out saying ‘lets go on a journey together’ or something of the sort – and asked me to picture the map — and the first thing i said to her was that i was alone – i didn’t want her on my journey. lol 🙂 So, when i had described the area of the forest i was standing in, she asked me to place a marker there, so i could find my way back and then make my way out of there. And since i was being super realistic, i marked a stump and even as i marked it, i was thinking: “There’s NO WAY i’m going to find that stump on my way back!” However, after clearing a path for a while, she asked me to stop and look back the way i had come, and when i did, i saw the stump at the place i’d started clearing the vines. i ALSO saw another path, running perpendicular to where i’d started making the path, and it was a well worn path, and there were people walking on it! NONE of that had been there when i started out. So, then, she asked me if any of the people had followed me on the path, and there weren’t any. So she asked if i wanted anyone to come along, and i said i didn’t want anyone to come with me, but i wouldn’t mind if anyone followed me. So she asked if i wanted to put a sign up where i’d made my path, and i carved an arrow into the stump.

Anyway – she got me unstuck – with the way she guided my imagery. And for me – when the ideas started to sprout – i started playing with the idea of physically experiencing my own imagery and hence this adventure into the Appalachian Trail! i’m already learning a lot about feet, shoes and sock, and other parts of my body! i finally know my own shoe size because, for the first time, i compared the difference in feel between my size 8 sneaker and my 7.5! lol 😀 and when i walk the streets, the imagery just keeps sprouting! today, i was going to skip my walk, because it was raining, but my body wouldn’t let me. i was SO restless! EVERYTHING else that i needed to do – even paying the bills – would’ve left me completely and utterly dissatisfied, if i hadn’t gone on that walk. I had no idea how far i was going to go, and i decided to let my body decide – and i kept hearing: “Till the sidewalk ends” and i thought – what if it doesn’t? But it did! And when i took the smaller side streets without sidewalks, i imagined i was walking in the lungs – with the large streets with sidewalks being the bronchi and bronchioles, and the dead ends being alveoli and with each small street i walked, my lungs opened up more! it was an amazing walk! i need to figure out how to make the water i drink turn straight into sweat and bypasses the kidneys and bladder! I don’t think they have bathrooms in the AT! (at least not every 2.5 miles, right?!)

Anyway – today’s deep discovery was that my heart didn’t die over time, nor did it die before i got married. I remembered the EXACT day it died. I was a few months pregnant with my oldest – maybe 2 or 3. So, that would’ve been 5 or 6 months after the wedding. We were in Canada, visiting family friends. And the love of my 6yr old heart was there. I’d always written off my feelings for him as ‘puppy love’. How can 6 yr old love be real? last time we’d seen each other was when we finished high school. He wrote to me on and off when i was in nursing school. When i saw him, i was 6 again. And my heart burst out laughing, like it always did when he was near. He was always amused by that. He laughed at me like he always did, and said: “You haven’t changed at all! You still laugh when you see me!”

I had a horrible time at dinner that evening. I was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to hide what David was doing to my heart. That night i cried myself to sleep. I knew my heart would never laugh again. No matter how many other people and experiences i’ve enjoyed over time, nothing and no one has ever, ever, ever filled me with so much delight as David. That’s also when i knew that my 6yr old heart’s love was true. And for some stupid, stupid, stupid reason, i’d believed that the love of a child wasn’t as real as the love of an adult.

~~ vino

[Vino]

You are such an interesting person!!! (to the right kind of person, of course). I’m definitely a BIG fan of you!

lol 🙂 Thank you! it’s been 4 days, and there’s been 4 more nuclear bombs that have dropped into my brain. lol 😀

I makes sense and I LOVE how you are exploring this very slow relationship. You have developed so much and on many levels because of this relationship. It’s really beautiful.

I accidentally set a 5 year goal with JB! it all came about because i felt so stuck with not being able to lose weight. I oscillate between 140 and 160. The lowest i’ve been is about 135 or so, and i want to go just a little below 130, just because. I want to be 128. Somehow, i feel like if i get below 130, i won’t go back up as far as 140. At 130, 140 is too easy to slip into, and once i slip into 140, 160 isn’t far. Anyway. That’s my numerical block. I’ve been hovering around 160 for over 3 months – i go down to 157 and upto 162 on various days.

SO – i asked for help in this hypnotherapy group on fb and i got SO much good advice and one kind lady offered to do a mindscaping session with me. That was super fun! She said i was going to create a map, and started out imagining a map going out from where i was, like i’m the little human icon on a map. It was interesting to me that i couldn’t visualize a map behind me at first. The map to my sides was darkened. Then when i finally extended the map behind me, it was still dark – darker than the sides, but it was there. only my path in front of me was lit up. So she asked me to describe the path and i was in a forest!

I seem to love forests! i loved the map that got created in my head! she added a few things to the map. I was surprised that i was happy being the only traveler on my map! Anyway. all that imagery reminded me of a movie i’d watched that JB had recommended and i forgot the name of it – so i asked him and it was called: A Walk in the Woods! HOW cool is that?! it was about two guys who try to walk the Appalachian trail! So we got talking about that, and i began to wonder if i could do it, and JB said his money is on the trail. lol 🙂 And then, i remembered this group that does virtual walks and gives medals at the end and plants trees for you when you reach certain milestones. I’d forgotten to bookmark the site, but i found it, and they had an Appalachian trail challenge!

When i first came across them, i was excited about it, and wanted to sign up for one of their trails, or bundles, but i didn’t know where to begin. BUT, i knew now! So, i’m on a virtual walk across the Appalachian trail! I also found SO MANY groups on FB for those who want to walk the AT, and i joined one that was specifically for women. I’ve decided that every time i reach a virtual milestone, and they plant a tree for me, i’ll buy hiking gear! I hope to finish my virtual challenge in a year. BUT it might take me a bit longer to get physically fit enough to go on the Real AT. So, i gave myself 5 yrs to get ready for that. And i asked JB if he’d like to walk with me in 5 yrs when i’m all set for it.

That’s how i ended up accidentally setting a 5 yr goal with JB. He said he’d be super eager to share such an experience together, if his chest pains will let him. SO – i’ll get fit in the next 5 yrs while he finds a helpful doctor — and in 5 yrs we’re going on a serious adventure. lol 🙂

i also had a major re-arranging of my relationship with my kids. i’ve been unable to forgive myself for ruining the life of two innocent children by giving them life. I didn’t think to take my thoughts to confession till this week, because i didn’t do anything wrong by having kids, right? Well, one thing i’ve learned in my lifetime is, no matter what the truth is, unless i work my way to it from the place that i’m at, i’m not going to get there. So, i have to find that truth about Life being a blessing, from a place of Life is a Curse. (i just realized that this is also a map! omg!) i can also see how i’m no longer stuck in the ‘Life is a Curse’ place because i’ve begun to see that even if life is a curse, there ARE good things scattered about! So, to me, i needed to be forgiven for having kids.

Anyway – while i was praying after confession, i had this image in my mind of my children, attached to me with fuzzy dark cords – and God clipping those cords and taking my children into his own hands. I also felt myself reaching for them – except i didn’t tie them back on to myself – i didn’t want them to go too far – i asked God how am i supposed to stay connected to them if they’re not tied to me? And over the course of the day, i got answers. I need to emotionally distance myself from them, and reconnect like i would with other young people of their age. The first difference i noticed in that new connection was how the way i show them respect would be different. Especially in relation to the choices they are making about their body and gender. So, i talked to them, and we had a reset. And even as we spoke, i noticed a deepening of our connection, and an easing of the burdens we are all carrying.

I also figured out EXACTLY why i got married. it was a last ditch effort to save my life. I was convinced i was unlovable by that point in my life. And my only choices were in where i’d live an unloved life. I traded away EVERYTHING else i had – my future, my body and also my heart – for a chance to the come here. That is the ONLY thing of value that the ex had to offer. I valued it more than me. It was a good trade. It was also a huge gamble. A gamble that i lost. Knowing what i know now – would i have done it differently? and my answer led me to some delicious freedom!

I’d always been ashamed of myself for coming to the US in the easiest legal way possible. I wasn’t smart enough to get a scholarship. I wasn’t rich enough to buy my way here. I wasn’t diverse enough to apply for the diversity visa. So i used marriage. BUT – i didn’t want to just marry for the visa, as many do. And in order to prove to myself that i wasn’t so small minded, i tried to make the marriage work. But i had entered into that relationship as a slave. I had sold my heart, my body, my mind and perhaps even my soul. AS the years went by, the lack of freedom in the relationship crushed every bit of me. I dumbed myself down, i didn’t care for my body, i couldn’t protect my heart at all, and i walked away from God.

So – was it worth it? omg! YES!!!!!!!!!!! i can never join the military or the police. But i sacrificed myself for this land and i can’t think of any part of me that i would’ve held back!! Suddenly, i saw that using my brain or my money or a lottery ticket to come here, is far inferior to giving all of One’s self for it. This country is totally worth every drop of pain i’ve endured for it! omg! i’m SO, SO, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy, i wasn’t able to come here any other way!

as for the ex – i thought about all the ways in which i could never relate to him. I was never able to call myself his wife, or call him my husband. i’ve never heard him use those terms either. And at some point in our relationship, those words became a source of pain when others used them. i can’t even say ‘my’ ex because that shows a connection, and i can’t say ‘my’! that’s why i say The instead of my. He was my ticket to the US. If i’d known how to be honest with myself, i would’ve left him as soon as i got into the country. BUT – i’m glad i didn’t do that too! i could never have lived down that i USED another person for selfish gain. And yet – that’s exactly what i did. I tried to pay back the favor by trying to build a family with him. But it would never have worked. I realize i never respected him enough to call him my husband and i was never proud enough of him to call myself his wife. (and vice versa).

This was good insight, because it gives me a good measure of how to determine the value of another relationship. Such a simple test. Can i call myself his wife? Can i call him my husband? there’s a weight to those words. You cannot say them unless you mean them. There’s a difference between saying them with your mouth and saying them from your heart. There’s a lot of unconditional love and sky-high respect in those words. They even weed out blind lust.

Anyway. I’m losing a lot of emotional baggage, so i should be able to hit my goal weight soon, because i thought of attaching a literal pound value to each of these things i’m releasing!! i’m starting with each thing being 1Lb – but i know some of these things way a TON! however, i do not have a TON of weight to lose. so, i better be careful. lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Now that you have connected to it, what do you do next?

I’m sitting with it. And going back over how my relationship has been unfolding with JB at the slowest rate imaginable. I’ve been thinking about all of my intense frustrations and impatience. And i am in awe of the wisdom of a slow growing relationship. it is so slow, that there is nothing to talk about to anyone! When i finally mentioned him to the kids, it felt so natural. He’s just a friend, and the kinds of things we do for each other are friend things. So, it’s as easy to talk about him, as i would of any other friend.

And then, there’s deeper things – even though i don’t need to vindicate myself for any of these — my joining the Catholic Church. So many people switch churches because they are dating someone. I didn’t do it for JB. I’d never do it for any man. BUT – if i’d been dating him at the time, or even started dating him soon after, there’s no way i could’ve proved that i didn’t do it for him. Same with the annulment – most people do it only if they are getting remarried. I did it because i wanted deeper spiritual healing.

And then, there’s an ever deeper thing. I get to build a secret world with him. By the time the rest of the world begins to know us, even as friends, we’ll already have inside jokes and shared traumas and joys that nobody else is a part of, and there will be a distinct difference between the depth of friendship between me & him vs my family & him.

The way my relationship developed with the ex — it was on display right from the start – so it wasn’t deeper between us than between others. We ALL had an equally shallow relationship with him. lol 🙂 i mean, there were things about him that i was finding out at the same time as others in my family. And then there were the things that i never found out about him but others knew about! (his gayness). It was so lopsided! Should i not have been the one to know him the most?

Anyway. i also read an article by Fr Mike – and it was astounding. He mentioned the Chinese bamboo – it takes FOUR years to sprout! And in the 5th year, it grows 90 feet in 5 wks. In the first 4 yrs, it builds a very deep and very wide network of roots, that allow it just shoot out of the ground at an insane speed. He also said in the article – “God is doing something in the silence that he couldn’t do without that silence. He is doing something in our brokenness that he couldn’t do without that brokenness. He is doing something in the darkness that he couldn’t do without that darkness.”

That was a really powerful picture for me. I turned into a little seed and i’m lying underground now, in a deep, rich, network of roots. I am so peaceful that my energy towards JB has shifted dramatically. I am talking to him like we’re both 6 yrs old. I think only kids know how to make friends for real!!

And then, i randomly remembered a conversation i had with the ex. I don’t remember anything leading up to this moment in the conversation – or after. It was when we were newly orthodox. i dove into the deep end, like i always do with an exciting new thing, and i was swallowing up every book i could get. Plus i had endless conversations with Fr M, and i found an orthodox forum and dove even deeper. I knew the church calendar inside out, and all the different feasts, what they were about, when they started, what they meant — EVERYTHING! he was in the choir and he didn’t know what was going on, except whatever was happening that day. And for some reason – he felt small because i knew a ton more than he did. But here’s the thing – i shared my discoveries with him freely, so there was no need for him to not know what i knew. ALSO – he had access to the same books that i did, PLUS – Fr M was HIS best friend orginailly, so why didn’t he jsut talk to him?! i was completely baffled, because i wasn’t trying to make him feel small with my knowledge – i was just excited to share it!

What a contrast with the way JB receives my excited discoveries! He literally told me the other day that he LOVES learning from me! Last year, when i shared a new discovery with him, i had been Catholic for about 2 months, and he thanked me for sharing my discoveries with him. WHAT an incredible Contrast! Never, have i ever felt smarter than anyone else when i’ve shared information. It’s just exciting to see something, and for all i know, everyone else already knows it and i’m seeing it for the first time. Makes no difference. IT’s always exciting when one discovers something for the first time. I had no idea that anyone would feel small because i like to dig things up! What a twisted response! What was keeping him from enjoying it with me? Anyway – it was his own fault and narrow mindedness that kept him from Enjoying the discoveries together.

Well. idk if i answered your question. lol 🙂

i’ve got a whole bunch of other discoveries too! lol 🙂 never a dull moment in my brain!

~~ vino

[Vino]

You are TOTALLY not going to believe what i unearthed today!

OMG! it may be a story i have shared before. But i saw another impact that it had on my thought processes. It was when i was about 14 or so. I made friends with an elementary school teacher, from church, and she invited me on a hiking trip. My parents wouldn’t let me go unless my sister could also go along. I was livid. But there was nothing i could do about it.

I’ve always been angry about that incident, because i felt like my parents made my sister more important than me at that moment. I thought it fed into the belief that she mattered more than me, and that’s all. But there’s MORE to it!

Today, i connected it with why i don’t want to tell anybody about JB. And why i feel like I will be letting everyone into my world, if they know what’s on my heart. THIS story! Marion was MY friend! I found her, i talked to her, I was the one whose company she enjoyed – but — i had to share her too. I wasn’t even allowed to have a relationship to myself! Nobody was allowed to single me out and treat me as more special than my sister.

OMG! there’s a motherload of thoughts in that story! This totally explains why i am always reluctant to share the most delightful things in my life. The things that make me feel intoxicated and giddy with happiness — i don’t want to share them! They are mine! I was chosen for it. And nobody else has a right to it! But if they see it, they will make me share it. So, i cannot let them see it.

So i hid all things that made me feel good. And i was wide open to sexual predators. I didn’t even feel like they were predators, because they DID make me feel good. I was noticed by them. They had singled me out for something. it didn’t matter what it was. I wouldn’t tell anyone because i didn’t want to lose it. It was only Dad’s friend who was unwelcome. i didn’t want to be special to him. That was disgusting and gross. But i was open to everyone i liked.

when i was dating the ex – he lived in a remote station, and our only contact was via radio. I was in charge of the main radio at the HQ, and once all official business was over, people would stay on for personal messages. Nobody ever turned off their radios unless they had to get to work or something, because private messages were entertaining. Everyone knew that everyone else would be listening, so it was really no big deal – you just talked in such a way that it would be ok for everyone to hear what you said. SO – there was no way i could hide my relationship with the ex, in it’s growing stages. HOWEVER — looking back — i realize that i was building a relationship that would be ok to display and show to others.

IF it had been a relationship that reached the depths of my heart and brought me infinite joy – i would’ve hidden it, so i wouldn’t have to share. I had subconsciously chosen someone who was enough to get by with, because i didn’t want to win the lottery and have everyone else take a piece of it for themselves. This is another side of feeling like i wasn’t good enough for a lottery sized relationship. But that also has its roots in that story. I didn’t deserve to have what my sister couldn’t have – because she was more loved? attractive? younger? who knows? everything about her fit the sentence.

It’s amazing to me how the mind of a child is capable of accepting ALL things as true, and then operates on those beliefs. And it all happens so far below the surface and the parents have NO CLUE what’s going on and can’t do anything to correct the misconception. In the meantime the child keeps collecting evidence to support the lies. When my dad gave away my magazines to some random guy who wanted to read, he reinforced this belief that i wasn’t worth giving anything good to. Those magazines were MINE. my sister didn’t care for them. the boys at church had given them to ME. But they weren’t allowed to give me anything good. I didn’t deserve it as much as that stranger did. So i lost my magazines.

JB is my treasure. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Gosh, i just remembered the worst thing about my pregnancies – i coudln’t hide them! and everyone knows how babies are made. And that’s not something i wanted to share with everyone in the world!

And it’s SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY!!!! If there were no personal benefit to helping others, none of us would do it. I would say that God built this into our spirits so we didn’t completely destroy each other. It’s not mistake that we are self serving when we help others. It’s beautiful!

this just added another dimension to my thoughts — i wonder if i believe i am not allowed to feel good! it’s all similar to the can of worms i unearthed. Nobody is allowed to make me feel good – unless they make everyone else feel good too. So i don’t take what i cannot share. Or what i don’t want to share. It’s like i have no choice about sharing. If i have something, i’m supposed to give it. If i have something i cannot share – like good health – then i feel guitly and ashamed because i’ve been given something good i don’t deserve – and that makes it impossible for me to be truly grateful for my privileges.

i have also found my underdog. it is the Child. The child comes into the world, full of love, just wanting to enjoy life and love and be loved. Then, the adults and the entire world – steals their childhood. Instead of taking the opportunity to enjoy childhood again, with the child, they force the child to grow up and do stuff. every child is an invitation to look at the world with new eyes, with awe and wonder.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Do you show them other sides of yourself? Considering how close you hold your cards to your heart, I imagine that they don’t know the various sides of you.

The mother side is the most obvious, and i feel like it’s a box that most people can’t see past. it always surprises me when someone ignores the mother side of me, and it takes me a few conversations to calibrate. First time that happened was with a guy i met at a bookstore – my kids were with me – they were little then. I saw him again a week or so later at a church service and went up to him to chat about the book he’d helped me find. We had a fun conversation and he never asked me ANYTHING about my kids. Most people ask how old they are, what grades they’re in, etc. He kept the conversation on ME! i was so confused! And also totally thrilled!

i saw him again at ANOTHER parish several months later, and that time we exchanged emails. Again, he only asked about ME. When we emailed, it was the same – he never brought up any other relationships, unless i did. It’s like he had given me a blank slate and i could show up in any way i wanted, and he wouldn’t question me, because he wouldn’t connect how i showed up within the tangle of relationships i was in. I remember pondering what side of me i wanted him to see, because that’s how wide open he left the door for me! I’d NEVER, EVER, EVER experienced such a freedom! I could show him my mother side, i could show him my wife side, i could show him my daughter side — but i wanted to show him ME, and i didn’t know what that was! I only knew myself in relation to others, and OH, that hurt SO MUCH! I finally had an opportunity to be known as ME, and i had no clue who i was!

So, i connected to HIM! And he held space for me, and let me figure things out. Even though he never mentioned the other relationships, he was aware of them. I was free to tell him i had a crush on him. And he just accepted it, and didn’t judge me for it. Nor did he take advantage of the power he had over me. He told me he’d always be my friend, and could freely talk to him about anything that weighed on me. He was the first man i ever called on the phone. I hate talking on phones. I don’t like not being able to see a person, to gauge their interest levels. And i also hate to interrupt their lives. I don’t remember what i called him about. My heart just need the presence of someone who cared. When he’d given me his number, i’d told him that i’d never use it because i hate phones. lol 🙂

He answered and he listened, he didn’t rush me. His voice was so comforting. I don’t know why he was so good to me. We stopped writing to each other when he got married. His last message to me – he told me that he’d just gotten married and that he’d thought of me and prayed for me at his wedding. I’ve always wondered — if i hadn’t been married — do you suppose he would’ve been interested in a relationship with me?

the second person to never bring up my kids in any of our initial conversations – for at least a year! — is JB. This time, i was more prepared. But it still unsettled me a bit, and i wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, because i couldn’t pretend they don’t exist. There isn’t any side of me that JB doesn’t know.

Tell me more about this. What if you just wrote the story for your kids? If it’s not meant to help other people, then why have an audience? Why not just write it out for yourself, make it a book and have it be something that gets passed down in your family maybe? So when you say you’re tired of keeping it hidden, who have you been keeping your story hidden from?

I’ve considered writing just for my kids and my family. But those would be limited to just stories and memories. And not necessarily insights into life. i Do share my insights with both kids, as they pop up, and sometimes they engage and sometimes they think i talk too much. When i told them i was looking for ways to share things i was learning, the younger one said: does that mean you’ll stop telling me all that stuff? lol 🙂 I told her, i’d still have to test out all my thoughts on them. lol 🙂

I’ve been keeping my story hidden from EVERYONE in my life. Except for my internet friends who’ve witnessed my journey, nobody knows that there was a time in my life that i sincerely believed that i was not worth being a friend to. Nobody knows that life is a burden to me, and i still wish i’d never been born. Nobody knows that every day that i find happiness, is a miracle. I don’t want them to pity me. I don’t want them to see me as weak. I don’t want them to praise me for being strong and wonderful either. Because i’m not that either. I don’t know why i want them to know, so i stay silent, because it’s confusing to me.

So you do want to help other people???

Yes, but not because i want to help them. It makes me feel important and significant and full of myself when i have helped someone. So i’m not at all doing it for them. I’m just doing it to feel good about myself. So i don’t think that counts as helping them. Because i don’t see them as individuals – i just see them as a mass of people who could benefit from my experiences. Basically, i’m looking for an audience to show off too and impress with my incredible perspectives. lol 🙂 That’s why i say i don’t want to help anyone. i’m not at all thinking of them.

~~ vino

[Vino]

I share for 2 reasons. It allows my friends to know me and be a witness to my life and 2, sharing allows my feelings to matter…to me. By giving my pain words and emotions and sharing them with my friends, I am honoring myself and my struggle by giving it a voice. And many times, as I am giving it a voice, I actually learn other aspects and flavors of it. So problems are not always meant to be fixed or solved.

yes, this is true. i do this too, but you worded it well. However, i don’t do it very often, because it feels like inviting a person into my world, and i’m not always sure if i really want that person in my world or not. I’m especially reluctant to share, if the sharing is one way – either they let me share, but don’t share any of themselves with me, or they share with me, but are unable to listen to me.

I can’t even share a favorite book with someone i don’t care for, because a book creates a world for me that i become a part of. And whoever i share that book with, will become a part of that world too. I am super picky about who i let in.

So although none of us knows EXACTLY how you feel, we do know what it feels like to be lost, confused, depressed, angry or whatever emotion or pain is happening for you at the moment. So I think most people express their own stories to let you know they do understand the general feelings you are having, you are not alone (although I know you want to be) and many times, it’s our own stories that can help others through their own tough situation.

It’s one thing to identify with the emotions and quite another to identify with the story. So, what you did earlier, when you related your experience in Knoxville that made you feel invisible – that was an accurate parallel of feeling invisible, even though the situation that caused it for you, is entirely different than what caused it for me. I had this friend i was getting to know, at church — about a 100 yrs ago – and i thought i could talk to her about my marriage struggles, because she was older, been married longer, etc, and she was very approachable. SO — i gingerly brought it up one day – and all i’d said was i was experiencing difficulties in my marriage, and she immediately responds with – ‘Oh, i totally understand. is it sexual? I have a really good book on how to work through physical intimacy issues. It’s just natural for men to need it more than we do!”

You think i spoke to her again?! Of course, physical intimacy was ONE of the issues, BUT – i was married to an eff’in gay man (which i didn’t know at the time)! i thought i was a total whore for wanting more than he did, and EVERY DAMN BOOK is written for women who hate sex! OMG! Why do they even get married if they don’t want to have sex?! Anyway. Sore point. Took me another 5 or so years to realize that maybe i’m not a freak after all, and maybe, things may have been different if i’d married a STRAIGHT man! ugh!

Anyway. I’ve found it far more beneficial to my heart to just write to strangers online. lol 🙂

How you describe her sounds like a description of you as well!

I thought so too, at one point, because it didn’t seem logical that i’d know what ‘SHE’ went through. Then, when we talked, it was uncanny – she got to the place where she couldn’t get out of bed unless her kids needed her too. She gave up on homeschooling, and sent the two younger ones to school. Her oldest has been struggling with mental illesses and needed a lot of her attention at some point. BUT – there’s been more drama in her life than in mine, overall.

Also, what i said would describe most mothers, who care about their kids even a little bit. BUT – i still found value in recognizing what she’s done and seeing bits of me in it too – it was a different angle of ‘parenting’ myself. It helped me accept what men see when they see me — i have several male friends (besides JB), who for some reason, are in awe of what i do as a mother (and of mothers in general), and i always brush it off as nothing. I didn’t want them to see me as a mother, because i wanted to be seen as ME with the mothering part as just an outfit i wear sometimes. But they’re not able to see me that way! when i got my new apartment so both kids could be with me, JB said he was proud of me, and i said to him i didn’t do anything at all, and i’d even forgotten i’d asked for a 2 BR apartment.

I’ve always devalued what i do, because it’s natural to me. So, it’s never made sense to me that anyone should find value in my mothering. I guess i won’t be brushing it off so easily anymore. lol 🙂

Does that mean you don’t care about your family? Does that mean your other friends are just people occupying space in your life but they don’t really matter to you? Help me understand your thought process here.

It means i don’t care about everyone to the same degree. SO – what a stranger gets will be whatever is left over after everyone else is taken care of. So there will be times when there’s nothing left for the stranger, because i’m not going to take what belongs to the kids and give it to someone else.

And just something to think about…caring for people in various ways, even strangers, is part of divine feminine energy (whether in a male or female body). So maybe you not caring about people is a place to explore. When you are able to access “care,” you will feel feminine energy as part of yourself.

I don’t like that it’s ‘expected’ of me. Even more so because i’m a woman. In sharing my story and my tools – although i might be helping others, that’s not my goal. My goal is to get my story out there, because i’m tired of keeping it hidden. If it really helps anyone, that will be great. Today, i attended a bunch of classes with others in the program, and while listening to them share about their programs (there are SO MANY overlaps) — it helped me fine-tune my own, in order to differentiate myself from them — and i actually narrowed down my target audience in a very interesting way. I became more specific but also broadened it in a way. Originally, i’d just put down random things, so i could move on with the rest of the steps. Today – i came up — Mothers who are raising their children in a multicultural community. And i’m helping them find harmony in a life thast’s being bombarded by so many different values and expectations, by connecting with themselves and their own core values. So, this could be mothers around the world! lol 🙂

Anyway. i realized i was avoiding the coaching classes because i was intimidated by the success of the coaches – and i was feeling like my story was too small and does it really matter in the end? IF they want the answers they’ll find them anyway. But one of the coaches pointed out that information is cheap nowadays, and anybody can google anything they want. BUT – it’s much harder to put together all the information you’re gathering, and actually implement it. So THAT’s the service we’re providing – accountability and guidance. He also pointed out how a chef doesn’t have to invent new ingredients in order to create a new dish, but just puts together the same old ingredients in a new way and gives it fancy name and he has a new dish!

i was completely impressed with them for how the simplified their knowlege. But it was most magical to watch them work with an individual to clarify their message or story or some other thing. I mean, i thought i was listening, but i couldn’t piece together what was being said! lol 🙂 BUT – i DID make a contribution! one lady is helping young adults learn the skills to become independent, and i thought that was bloody brilliant. So, the coach asked her to list all the benefits of her program and she kept missing a major one that no one else saw either. So i finally chimed in and pointed out that being able to pay your own rent and take care of your own needs creates a great deal of self-respect, which in turn causes others to treat you with respect, which in turn improves ALL of your relationships. idk how they missed that one! it’s the core of her program! She was talking about the freedom of being able to make your own choices, not having to answer to anyone, etc.

Anyway – i think i’m going to be more involved in these live classes from now on! it was so much fun interacting with others! lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

These are questions that come from a very deep place of woundedness…a part of you that is still carrying the feelings of being anonymous and that you don’t matter. Maybe I suggest an exercise?

Hi Heidi! I’ve actually done that exercise before! about 2 yrs or so back, when i found the book “Homecoming” by John Bradshaw. It was really funny, because i used to practice writing with my left hand for fun – in case i broke my right hand someday, i wanted to be able to keep writing. lol 🙂 never got good at writing with my left though. Anyway — i understand the value in acknowledging my innermost feelings. I don’t need to write about it anymore, i know how to hear myself. For example – i think it was on Monday — it started out as a productive day, i had my 2nd load of laundry going, and i had cleaned up the kitchen and i was making dinner, and it was time to put the 2nd load of clothes in the dryer, and i had this distinct sensation, that i was done with laundry and i didn’t want to go back out in the cold again. Of course, i couldn’t leave the laundry there, because someone else might need the washer and dryer — so — i considered making myself go to the laundry room regardless of how i felt, when i thought i’d just take a break and find out WHY i was no longer in the mood to do what i was supposed to do. So i said to myself: “Ok. you don’t want to do laundry. What do you want to do instead?” and i wanted to write. SO, i sat down to write, and there was nothing to write about. So — i helped myself write — i told me to write about how i wasn’t feeling like doing the laundry. So i did – i simply tried to describe how i was feeling – i said i was tired, i was bored, i didn’t care, and finally i gave up trying to figure it out and simply wrote down that i don’t feel good. SO — i had a conversation going in my head, i KNEW it was just me, talking to me, but after about 10 minutes or so, we latched on to some deeper feelings and suddenly we were SO FAR AWAY from laundry. I don’t remember what it was now, but when i was done writing about it, i felt such a deep relief, as if i’d cried for several hours. and then, when i got up, i had absolutely no problem with finishing up the laundry and dinner and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Anyway — all this to say — this is what i’ve been practicing for the past two years – listening to myself. 🙂

For me, i have found it important to accept my wounded world view as it is and not try to alter it – so, i don’t try to tell myself that i matter – because i automatically look for proof that i matter. instead, i sit in the pain of ‘not mattering’ and even write out all the reasons why i think i don’t matter, and once i’ve exhausted every tiny proof, i ask myself – well – how do i want to live in this world in which i don’t matter? And that helps me gather myself up and move again. I’ve given myself permission to be as miserable and whiny as i want, but i’ve also made the decision that i’m going to do what i need to do, no matter what the world throws at me. It feels like i have found an ally to fight the battle with me and in this case, the battle is invisibility.

What’s really weird is, i’d shared a post in one of my FB Bible study groups, my thoughts on the passages we’d read a few days back — and i had HUNDREDS of people react to my message, half of whom left a response, and i also had a bunch of people share my post and tag their friends on my post. (right now that post has over a 1000 views). So, i asked my miserable little self how it is that all that attention still made me feel invisible — and i said – i don’t know who they are, and i don’t care what they think. I only wanted feedback from ONE person – JB. And yet, i had posted in public, instead of sending him a direct message! What an odd thing to do! If i wanted only his feedback, why didn’t i message only him? i don’t know! BUT — it’s all fine now. JB and i had a great chat last night, and he said he loves learning from me. Now that i think about that post — if i’d only shared it with him, i wouldn’t have shared it in the group and a 1000 people wouldn’t have had a change in perspective!! maybe i should post in public more. lol 🙂

Anyway. Going back to the matter at hand:

So I’m curious…what ways do you think that you identify as being male? I’m also curious…when you went on those 2 dates with that man, did you feel feminine? He desired you…and you enjoyed being desired. Did you feel like a woman in those moments?

I’m more analytical than most women are – especially when it comes to a situation that is charged with emotion – i am capable of completely removing the emotional aspect and focusing on the ‘facts’. So, when women share painful things with me, i’m looking for a way to stop the pain. i mean, why else would they share it with me if they didn’t want me to fix it? The flip is also true – when i share a problem, i’m not just venting, i’m looking for practical solutions. SO, i hate it when women add to the cesspool of my emotions by sharing moments when they felt the same way – because at that moment i couldn’t care less! But i suppose they are trying to show me they understand? and maybe they feel i’ll feel supported if i can feel like they share the feeling? idk. It just makes me feel like i have to fix my own emotions and also theirs, so i get resentful, and i find them to be totally useless. ALSO – no matter HOW MUCH we think we know how someone else feels – the honest truth is WE DON’T!

Different things affect each of us in different ways and to different degrees, because of our own unique compositions of experiences and our own unique responses TO those experiences. SO – to pretend you know what someone else feels like minimizes their experience. I really hate how women think they know how you feel! it shortcircuits their brain and they enter into their own similar experience, activate their own feelings and they blind themselves to YOUR feelings and emotions.

Anyway — the two dates – the first time – yes – i felt fully in my feminine and he was fully in his masculine. He asked me questions, i responded with an essay, and i got lost in my own talk, and didn’t answer his question, and he pointed that out. i realized i was aiming in the general direction of answering his question, but i thought he needed background information to help him understand my response. lol 🙂 So, when i jumped into ‘background information’ i forgot his question. For some reason, he wasn’t bothered by that. And he also wasn’t bored by my story telling. So, all that added up and made me feel accepted for just being my own lost self, and that felt good.

The second time – he wanted to replicate what we both felt the first time, and the focus went from person to performance. He wanted to make me melt in his arms again. And i no longer felt like i was being listened to. Thinking back — if JB hadn’t been on my mind – this isn’t an issue that cannot be overcome, because it took just a short time of evaluation for me to figure out why we didn’t connect the second time. And IF i had wanted to keep building a connection with him – i could’ve easily said — this is what happened – and this is what needs to happen in order for me to melt in your arms again — and we could’ve made it work again.

So then, that would bring us to another level of – does he care enough to listen and learn, and put in the extra effort in order to get to the melty place again? But, in order to build with anyone, i need to be wholehearted – and as long as JB is blurring my vision, i cannot get wholehearted with another man.

idk if i answered your question. lol 🙂

I’m going to remind you of who you are Vino. You are an explorer and seeker. You don’t take things for face value nor do you tend to follow the “norm.” That, in and of itself, means you have great strength. When you explore yourself and life, in the ways that you do, you are going to feel lost sometimes, because you are exploring your own paths and not the ones that were paved for you. That means getting lost, frustrated, confused, feeling alone and having a hard time sometimes.

This whole thing was awesome! Thank you! you are right — you need to be in the mindset of a child to explore new places, and i’m already done with the general, known stuff, and i want more. Something about the way you worded that whole paragraph was in the right angle for me. And i’m not afraid of exploring new places anymore, because i’m not going alone. God is excited to go with me, and after all, i’ll only be discovering the secrets that he himself has hidden for me to dig up! Kind of like an easter egg hunt — why do adults get such a kick out of watching little kids discover the treasures hidden in plain sight?! lol 🙂

You are so much more than a life this simple. You are an expansive, curious soul that needs stimulation in order to stay engaged in your life.

I was typing with my left hand. lol 🙂 Play is never boring to a child! Playing is exploring and discovering and learning and experimenting. There’s endless wonders within oneself as there is outside. The worlds to explore are ENDLESS! it’s impossible to get bored!

You have some kind of program or story running in your system telling you that you need to have a “purpose” to exist. I’m not sure what that purpose looks like to you. Why does there have to be a reason? What kind of reason would make you feel like your life has a purpose? What kinds of reasons would make you feel like you are not wasting your time?

it’s not a programing that i want to carry! i just want to be left alone to enjoy my life! But i haven’t heard a single successful person talk about success without also bringing up our ‘purpose’ in life – that involves helping other people. IN fact, Dr Demartini goes as far as to say that if one is poor, it’s because one isn’t serving others. EVERY program i’ve purchased asks about what i want to do for others. And my adament answer still remains: NOTHING! i don’t care enough about anybody else, other than THREE people (sometimes just TWO)…

That said, i had an interesting experience two nights ago. I got an email from a friend i haven’t heard in for over 10 yrs. i had emailed her on an account that she doesn’t check anymore, back in April of last year. So, we emailed back and forth for a bit, and we spoke for a little over an hour last night. Between our email exchange and the time we talked, i thought about her a lot. when i closed by browser after emailing her, i saw the picture i have of Jesus on my laptop. and i heard the words: “I’m sending you Rebecca” And i laughed. So, i spent some time thinking about her. I asked God if SHE had a gift for me or if I had a gift for her? And i remembered that i’d always loved her. Just like me friend in nursing school. I had forgotten, that she was another woman that i trust. She is a woman next to whom i do NOT feel like a lesser woman. BUT – she is way more beautiful than i am. She has 8 kids. She homeschooled. and… she’s all round successful in all the ways that i think i have failed. And yet – she doesn’t make me feel less. HOW is that?! What makes her different from all the other women i know?

Just having all those questions come up, made me realize, that Rebecca herself is a HUGE gift to me! just by being herself, and coming into my life, she has opened a door to exploration! What greater gift can a person bring into your life? They don’t have to do ANYTHING other than EXIST in your life, and your life starts to change! THIS is exactly what JB’s been doing in my life!

SO — I focused back on my picture of Jesus and asked: “What do you want me to do for her?” and i heard: “I give you Rebecca. Love her for me.” I laughed again, because i thought – i already love her! This isn’t at all a hard thing to do! And then — i was filled with an unusual sensation — i saw her, as if i was seeing her through HIS eyes — a gentle, tender mother, working so hard, pouring herself out for her children, smiling through her tears, forcing herself to keep on getting out of bed even on the days when she just doesn’t want to – just because one of her children needs her — and i felt his IMMENSE love for her. I sensed that He has seen EVERY TEENY TINY sacrifice she has made and nothing is lost. She just needs someone to love her, for some reason. And i wondered if she was still with her husband.

So- we spoke last night — and i found out that she’s been separated for the past 3 years! It got pretty bad. She wouldn’t have got out without the children’s help. Anyway – we had to keep it short last night – and we’ll be talking again on Sunday, and probably quite often now, that we’ve reconnected. BUT — i just had to increase the number of people i care about deeply to include her and her children. lol 🙂 it’s no burden to love them.

Oh – right — purpose in life — my purpose in life should be just to exist. Just like JB and Rebecca need to do nothing more than EXIST in my life to make my life better, i want my purpose to be the same! I don’t want to DO STUFF for anyone. I don’t want to teach people things. I really don’t care if they learn anything or not. Anyone who wants to learn, WILL learn whether i help them or not. And i’d rather not, because i don’t care. I don’t know who they are, and i don’t want to know. I have enough people in my life to care about.

I also learned a very important thing from St Faustina – somebody emails snippets from her diary every day. and today, she said there are days when she feels like a child and she has learned that on those days, it’s best to keep silent and cling to God, because its INAPPROPRIATE to be talking to others, because, when she is close to her child self – she finds herself to be dissatisfied with herself. I found all that to be quite interesting. I have to see if that’s true with me too. Am i dissatisfied with myself when my Child surfaces? This time, i was! I felt like i had to do something to exist. I was dissatisfied with what i was already doing and being. It’ll be interesting to see if this is true always!

~~ vino

[Vino]

If you feel like a fraud and not like a real woman, then what DO you feel like?
What do you hate about the feeling?
In those women that you identify and feel are “real” women, what EXACTLY are you seeing/feeling/sensing about them that makes them “real” women? It’s not about how they look, because there are plenty of women who can get all gussied up and they still don’t feel like a woman, right? So let’s ignore the outer presentation, because the truth is, we ALL respond more to how a person FEELS to us than how they look.

I’ve been asking myself the same questions – or similar ones.

Do i exist even if nobody acknowledges my existence? If so, what is the purpose of my existence? — i don’t have the answers to even those questions.

Being a woman is just even more fine-tuned than being human, that’s all.

When i place myself next to other women – in real life or in my mind — i find myself lacking. I lack in different areas next to different women, so — for example, next to my mom, i lack the skills of hospitality. next to my sister, i lack beauty and i also lack the ability to build a successful career. She’s also a mother and a happily married wife, so there’s that too. My mom was also a happily married wife, and a very successful teacher. She’s also better looking than i am. I never noticed that before, because she never lost her pregnancy belly, BUT – i noticed it when she came to visit me after 7 or 8 years apart — she has a very beautiful smile and she always dresses SO nicely in her Indian saree. My sister also knows how to dress up very nicely – no matter what she wears – Indian, Ethiopian, or just jeans and a t-shirt.

So – with all the other women in my life – i’ve noticed similar things – their voices, the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they laugh. And the KIND of things that they are interested in, or get all worked up about. The way the view the world.

If you feel like a fraud and not like a real woman, then what DO you feel like?

i feel like a thing that’s alive. I’m human because i don’t look like an animal or plant or a fish. I’m a woman because i don’t look like a man. But the way i think lines up more with a man than a woman. And i feel like a child – totally lost and clueless in a complicated adult world, where the things that matter to everyone else, just don’t matter to me at all. I just want someone to play with, a place to go home to and some food to eat when i get hungry. Everything else beyond that is just too much to deal with.

What do you hate about the feeling?

i hate it because it makes me feel like i’m totally wasting my own time trying to exist. Because it’s hard to exist. And when there’s no reason to exist, it makes the struggle even more meaningless. Too much effort for no good reason.

that’s all i’ve got.

[Vino]

What makes a woman a woman?

today, i was overwhelmed with the feeling that i am lesser than every other woman in the world. There is something about every other woman i’ve known, that makes her more female than me somehow. It’s either in her looks, or in her abilities, in the way she relates to others, in the way she speaks, moves, and even breathes! idk. i put myself next to all the women i’ve known, and i don’t feel real.

i feel like a fraud. i’m not a real woman.

i hate this feeling. What on earth must i do to become a real woman?!

[Vino]

Help me understand this theory a little better. This kind of reltionship you are describing, built on love, is not a romantic kind of love. It could maybe be a parent/child kind of love, BUT it’s pretty impossible to never expect anything in return from someone you love. Expectations are naturally there and should be there. Anyone I “love” I definitely have expectations as to how I am treated in return as the very basic level. Any romantic kind of love, there are many more expectations as to how I am treated and the kind of life we build together. So I’m not so sure what is wrong with have expectations – or standards, as I would put it. So explain a little more about what you mean. And have you seen/experienced the non-transactional kind of love before? I’m just not sure that can exist between humans, but maybe I am not understanding correctly.

wow! love your questions!!! 😀

Here’s my theory: the foundation of a family unit is the relationship between a husband and wife. The stronger and purer their love for each other is, the stronger and purer their love for the children. SO, the Romantic relationship is actually the one that contains ALL other kinds of relationships within it. It is sacrificial, it is unconditional, AND it is romantic. With your children, it’s going to be unconditional and sacrificial, but not romantic. With your family, it’s going to be unconditional, a little less sacrificial than towards your children, and certainly not romantic. With your friends, it is varying degrees of unconditional, and sacrificial. SO – the romantic relationship is the most exclusive, but it is like the icing on the cake – the other types of love being the cake, so romantic love cannot exist without the others.

The Standards are set in the other kinds of love – so – treating each other with respect, caring for each others’ needs, etc — are basic. You cannot build a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you or who doesn’t care about you.

Expectations are different to me than standards – because expectations aren’t always realistic, however standards ARE. Most expectations are based on what one sees in society, and they become a false standard – for example – why does a woman expect a diamond ring (or any ring) when a man proposes? a ring does NOT ADD any value to the relationship. A ring isn’t love, and it isn’t respect, and it isn’t honor. it is just a piece of metal and a rock – and it is only a SYMBOL of the love that is supposed to be there. It is entirely possible to give a ring, without any love to back it up. Therefore, a ring, in and of itself, is an expectation, not a standard, and therefore it is totally optional, and in my opinion, totally useless.

Obligations are different from expectations and standards. Obligations are the responsibilities that one has to another when living with another. SO, we have obligations to family, to neighbors, to our co-workers, to our community, to our nation, etc. These are slightly tricky – because they can sometimes get mixed up with expectations, and when they do, they become an undue burden. For example – in Asian families – the children are expected to take care of their parents. That’s pretty much what you are born for. And this – i think is unfair. it’s like being born into slavery. You have no choice in the matter. HOWEVER — it is a good thing. i would never leave an elderly person uncared for, even if they weren’t my parent. So — how do you handle obligations? How do ‘I’ handle them? — i leave my children free – to decide on their own – if they want to pick up the obligation of caring for me. The way i’ve practiced it with them is by not nagging them. When i need their help with something, i ask them for help, politely – i say please. When they do what i ask them, i thank them for their help – because they DID put aside what they were doing, in order to help me, right? So, is it not right to thank them for their help? MY parents (and NO Indian Parent) never thanked me for anything i ever did for them – because i was just meeting an obligation. It is expected that i serve them without question. So, anything i do for them, is never acknowledged. in my case – i just quit, because i couldn’t care less. Only the desire to avoid punishment would move me to do something for them. IS this the kind of attitude that one should foster in one’s children?

I didn’t want to do that. They are individuals who deserve respect too. I cannot ask them for their time and their help or anything else, as if they owe it to me. They don’t. So, what’s our relationship like now – well — they help me when i ask. They help each other too. There is no burden in doing things for each other, there is only good will! What of the times when they don’t want to help me when i ask? I do not send them on a guilt trip. I wait for a reasonable amount of time, i might ask them again, or if i’m out of time, i just keep at it myself. Sometimes they show up much later than they should’ve, and i’ve already finished the work – but i don’t say anything about it, i find something else for them to do instead. And then, there are the times when they do things for me even when i don’t ask them to…! WOW! At this point, the things they do for me feel like a gift! IF they were under obligation, they can never give me such a gift! I wouldn’t feel it as a gift! They wouldn’t have the joy of doing something for me!

And if this cannot be replicated in a relationship with another adult, then, what’s the point of an adult relationship?! With another adult, i should be able to take it even further than i can with my kids!

Have i seen a non-transactional relationship before? Yes — all couples who truly love each other, have more non-tractional exchanges than transactional ones. This especially shows up when one partner is unable to meet the needs of another due to illness or work obligations, etc. Till things get back to solid ground, the relationship is going to be held up more by one partner than another. It is extremely rare for people to enter into a relationship that is going to be severely lacking in some area or another. But that happens too. For example – Nick Vujicic is married and has a few kids, with his wife Kanae. Nick has no arms and no legs. He can never hug Kanae. Or his children. But Kanae doesn’t need to be hugged in order to be in a romantic relationship with Nick.

I, on the other hand, NEED to be hugged and touched. I will never marry someone like Nick. Nick’s limitations are external. Most men’s limitations are internal, and therefore invisible. If a man isn’t able to remember birthdays and anniversaries, is he less deserving of a romantic relationship? Or is his love less than a man who is good at remembering dates? The man who is good at remembering dates, might be a terrible kisser! So – to me – it is unrealistic to have expectations in a romantic relationship. What i need, is a man who respects me, and values my presence in his life. He is free to express his romantic love in ANY WAY he chooses. I will not place expectations on him, because HE is more important than the things he is able to do for me. What if he is able to do EVERY ROMANTIC thing in the world for me, and one day he’s in an accident and he is paralyzed from head to foot and can’t do a single thing for me anymore — has his love for me changed? I think a man should be free to express his affections in whatever way he chooses to. That is what i mean when i say that a relationship built on love is full of freedom.

So you operate with a “guilty until proven innocent” mindset. I get there are “tests” so to speak for someone to enter into a relationship with you, on any level. This is what I would call “transactional” because you are requiring something from them FIRST before they get to have a connection with you. It’s you creating a standard as to how you are treated – so isn’t that a healthy thing? Do you think it’s possible to be a “innocent until proven guilty” kind of person?

YES! The ‘guilty till proven innocent’ mindset IS transactional! that is cool!! i didn’t see that! But that would make the ‘innocent till proven guilty’ mindset non-transactional. And that is reserved for only my kids, and JB. lol 🙂

Actually – i take that back. “innocent till proven guilty” is applicable to all my family and friends as they are right now, because i know who they are, and i know their hearts. For JB and the Kids, it’s “innocent even if you are guilty” — which means – my desire is to love them even if they hurt me. Will i do it? i don’t know! none of them have the nature to hurt anyone! So, i’ll never find out!

I understand completely how your you needed a reason to fight to become more healthy – hence your kids. I also understand that you don’t see the need to look at these walls, as you don’t feel that it actually interrupts anything you want in your life, therefore, what’s the point? My thoughts are…YOU are the motivation. It’s about facing those walls so you can connect deeper with your SELF. It’s about self-love and nothing more. The energy/stories/thoughts/feelings you carry in these instant walls are all things that contribute to depression, your finances, your relationships with your kids and JB…it’s influences EVERY ASPECT of your life. So if you want to deepen relationships with them, if you want to improve your finances, if you want to shift any other pattern in your life that is limiting you, then the energy in these walls needs to be worked with and acknowledged and valued and paid attention to. A wall, is meant to stop the flow. So these walls stop the flow in your life and you think it’s only affecting this “small” area of women, Indians and Ethiopians, but it’s actually affecting the flow of everything.

I understand your analogy of a wall stopping the flow. It’s like all the clutter in my house – i can’t walk a straight path to the door because i have to weave through the boxes. I don’t see it as big as you do though. I certainly don’t see how it’s getting in the way of my relationship with my kids. AND — i DO have a reason to fight to become more healthy — i found it today!!! Actually, i bumped into it last night, and it grew all day today – yes – a wall made itself visible to me. It’s a wall between me and God! Even since i returned to him, through the Catholic church – there’s been something different going on between me and him. I am EXCEEDINGLY aware of all that He does for me, and all the ways in which He loves me. I lie in bed wondering why on earth he would spend so much time and effort on one tiny little human being who has nothing to offer him in return.

IN the past year, i’ve gone through so many cycles of putting aside my own desires to love him more, and then taking those things back. For example – in my desire to show him how much i love him, i made a vow that i would go to church every Friday afternoon. It worked fine until one day, JB said he was free to visit that Friday, and i chose JB over God. That’s just one example – of how i put my own desires above my love for God.

The Biggest thing between me & God is this desire for a man in my life. It prevents me from trusting myself to him fully, because i have this fear that if i give myself to him fully, he will ask me to be a nun! And yet – i have experienced nothing but compassion and kindness and love from him, in the past year or so. So why am i still afraid to give all of myself to him? These are the kind of things that weigh on me, Even more than the my relationship to JB and the kids. I was so bothered by this wall, that i took it to confession today. and i cried all over the place, because i am so ungrateful.

I don’t know who the priest was – he wasn’t one of the regular priests from our parish – and when i started bawling – his voice changed, and he spoke to me like i was a 5 yr old. He reminded me that God is exceedingly patient, and it’s ok if i can’t give all of myself to him in one instant, i just need to start with one tiny step. And he asked me if i could say a few prayers to get started and he gave me two little ones… so when i went back out and prayed those prayers — i felt even more like a child. As long as i am human, there will always be things obstructing flow in me. As long as i can keep on getting closer to God, my triggers don’t bother me. I’m not perfect, and neither are any of the other humans around me, indian or not. We’re all going to be triggering each other all the time. it’s not the end of the world to get triggered.

i don’t know if any of this makes sense to you. But i am obsessed with eliminating walls between me and God. if one of those walls is also the same wall between me and Indians, then, it will go away when the time comes – not because i have found an Indian person worth loving, but because i want to get closer to God. I think i said something similar before – that as i get closer and closer to God, the walls will dissolve on their own. My ability to love comes from God, not from me.

You have a pretty strong program that you are a “burden.” I know that comes from your upbringing of course. I know that JB could tell you until he is blue in the face that you aren’t a burden and you still won’t believe him. I want to encourage you to maybe give him a little more credibility. Isn’t it HIS job to set his own limits as to how he interacts with you? By pulling back and not sharing your life with him, you are basically saying “I don’t trust you. I don’t believe you.”

Yes – i Do have a strong program that i’m a burden. it’s partly from upbringing and partly from experiences. I know what it feels like to listen to the burdens of another. I know what it feels like when i’m expected to listen, no matter what’s going on in my own life. I used to have very weak boundaries. They got weaker with people i was closer to. I felt obligated to listen to anyone who thought they could trust me, becuase i know it’s hard to find someone you can trust. I would feel like maybe, i was the only one they could talk to. If i say no, they won’t come to me again, and that wouldn’t be good for them IF for some reason, i’m the only person they can talk to. So i have to be available at all times. It’s still hard to turn people away when they need to download. But, it hasn’t happened as much since Covid and isolation began. i guess i’m easier to download on in person than over the phone. lol 🙂

i can recognize a person who is like me – who has trouble saying no — and with such people, i feel like i am obligated to protect them from MYSELF! In the case of JB, i haven’t had enough face-to-face interaction with him to know if he’s good with his boundaries or not. So, i’d rather err on the side of caution, for a while, than just throw myself on him and wear him out – even IF he says it’s perfectly fine – i just want to be double sure, because i’ve used similar language to reassure someone, even when i’m not 100% fine with it.

~~ vino.

[Vino]

Those people who treated you so poorly and were judgmental towards you, are no longer in your life. What’s the wall for? It’s over.

I get what you’re saying. I had to think back to a time when there was a real wall. It was when my kids were little, and i was unable to hug them because i was uncomfortable with physical touch. I may have mentioned that before. Anyway – that was the first time i felt my wall and i saw how it protected me from pain, but it also prevented me from feeling love, AND it also kept me from showing love to my kids! I did not want my kids on the other side of the wall, so I worked with God till it broke down. I needed a reason to break my wall, and till my kids came into my life, nobody else was big enough reason to work so hard for.

When JB came into my life, he highlighted a different kind of wall — and i’ve learned there’s two kinds of relationships – a transactional one vs one built on love. The transactional one is the most common, because people don’t get into relationships unless they get something out of it, and the minute they feel like they’re not getting what they thought they’d be getting, they bail. Or else they stay around and try to squeeze what they want out of the person they wanted it from. Either ways, it’s a very utilitarian way of looking at another person, and not really conducive to building an emotional intimacy.

The relationship built on love is full of freedom. It holds nothing over the head of the other person, no obligations, no nothing. They are free to show themselves to you as they will, and you are free to share yourself with them or not, to let them in or not. Whatever they give to you, is of their own free will. IF they are expecting something in return, it means they are in a transactional mindset, and such a relationship has to remain in the outskirts, in the marketplace, and you don’t want to take it home with you.

Each person has a clean slate with you, regardless of race or gender. Doesn’t each person deserve to be seen that way? So there truly is no need for you to hold onto your judgments that are guaranteed to influence how you see people in general. It’s the mud in your water and you cannot separate that out until you truly forgive those in your past.

Clean slate — Yes, & No. Yes, everyone deserves a clean slate. HOWEVER — i’m not going to turn off the knowledge i’ve gathered over the years – everyone has to pass the test of trustworthiness, regardless of race or gender. SO – No – i will not allow into my life, the kind of person who cannot be trusted. As for forgiveness, people change – so those who hurt me in the past, can also go through my ‘trustworthiness test’ and if they pass, they will remain in my life. Like my mother – who has been changing a lot.

I cannot separate the mud out without God’s help. It’s HIS water, it’s my mud. He has an endless supply of water, and my mud will eventually be gone.

I didn’t know you had other friends.

this sounded so funny to me. lol 😀 yes, i have other friends. They are all very busy and don’t have much time to talk to me, unless they’re retired. But also – i never got to the deepest level of trust and intimacy with any of them, so there’s some topics i’d never discuss with them. Like my relationship with JB!

Except for that one online friend — i’ve never met him – but he knows my heart. I just wrote to him again earlier this week and we’ll probably send a flurry of messages back and forth for a while, and then, it we will fall silent again. I used to write to Fr M a lot more – but he was confused about my becoming Catholic and told me i was going the wrong way, and i felt he was closing himself off to see why i was going the way i was going. In contrast with another monk friend – Fr S – who wasn’t against my joining the Catholic church, and remained open to discussing my thought processes, and the things i was learning, etc. But he’s old school – he doesn’t even have email – so i write to him. But i forget what i write to him. lol 🙂 I Should probably make a copy of the letters i write to him. I really love writing to him though, becuase it feels good to put pen to paper. AND he reads everything i write, even though he makes fun of the ‘books’ i send to him – but he takes me seriously and doesn’t make light of any of the things i share with him. I don’t rememer if i wrote to him about JB or not! 🙁

Could you sense that he was getting uncomfortable with it? Did something happen? Do you actually share your burdens with your other friends?

No – nothing happened between us – i was just starting to feel like i was burdening him with the stresses in my own life – and he said it’s ok, and he understands and doesn’t mind. But– the last few weeks, there have been so many police deaths, not just in the NYPD, but around the country, and i was reading and listening to the families of cops sharing their heartache. And i realized that these people live in a world that i haven’t the slightest clue about. The amount of stress they go through is not even comprehensible to me. The wife of the 22 yr old cop who died — they knew each other from the time they were 15. He always wanted to be a cop. They got married when they were 20. She was very understanding of the demands of his job, but, every once in a while, she’d wish he had more time for her, and the day before he died was one of those days. They had an argument about him keeping his work phone on all the time. HE always dropped her off at work, and she refused to let him take her that morning. She took an uber. He said to her: “Are you sure? This may be the last time i get to give you a ride to work.”

Can you imagine the agony in her heart?! Both he and his partner were shot – he died on the scene, his partner died 3 days later. So, she never got to say goodbye to him. Then i read the story of a cop who took his life in 2017. His wife shared his story. There was absolutely NOTHING about his life, that gave them the slightest clue that he was under so much stress – he was so engaged in the family and in the community, saw where problems were, started so many programs to assist various kinds of peoples – and then, he took his life.

Anyway – it made me think about the kind of home a cop needs to come home to. And it made me wish i’d had the priveledge of creating such a home for such a man. Not that it would’ve been perfect, by any means. I’m sure i would’ve wanted more time with him too. I know too, that i don’t have the power to prevent anyone from taking their life, especially if they are so good at hiding their pain.

It made me think — i don’t have the slightest clue what JB’s life is TRULY like. I know he loves his job. I know he gives it his all, even to the point of putting his job over his own health and life. I mean, he’s had mornings when he’s in so much pain he can’t put his shoes on. That hasn’t kept him from showing up to work on time! It’s not the first time he’s gone to work even though he’s in pain. SO — if he’s in pain — he’s not going to complain to me about it, nor to anyone else either! And i don’t live with him, so i can’t see from his face, if he’s in pain or not. And he might be like the cop who took his life – whose pain you cannot see! But one thing is sure – these men are giving ALL of themselves out, nothing held back. So, before i go to him for support with my burdens, i have to be sure he is well supported.

This is why i’ve pulled back. My problems are negligible compared to his. I do not carry my burdens in silence. i search for help. He probably doesn’t.

You have said several times you only care about your kids and JB and those are the only relationships you are willing to protect and invest in. Maybe they are your innermost circle and you other friends on your outer circles that you are not really invested in?

Yes – this is still true. I am willing to pour myself out for only these 3. For others — it will be less.

BUT – i just created a group on fb for my friends and family, so i can share with them more. On many occassions, they have said they like my writings, and i’ve never had a consistent way of sharing myself with them. Writing to an individual person is different than writing to many people in a group. It helps to keep things lighter, but it also invites anyone who is interested to engage deeper. JB is a part of that group as well, so i’ll still be sharing with him, but it won’t be as intense as a one-on-one sharing.

This just started yesterday – so i’m still working out the details. But, most of these people are people i wrote to when i was in nursing school, etc. WE just never keep in touch in a direct manner because of how far away everyone lives and how much our lives have changed. So, engaging in one-on-one conversations has to be reserved for those who are closest to you, because it takes a lot of mental/emotional energy – and time. And with the world in shambles, everyone has maxed out their reserves in some way or other.

~~ vino.

[Vino]

When you clear the energy of all the wounds, you are only honoring yourself! Again, it doesn’t mean you allow those people into your life, it just means you are releasing negative, critical, judgmental energy within yourself caused by those who actually harmed you…which only serves you. It means you let go of more baggage…how is that being dishonoring to you? How is healing the hurt you are holding onto, dishonoring to you?

i see my judgements of them as a wall to keep them away, because i’m a very forgiving person, and i’m also a fool. If i get rid of it, they will come in, and i don’t want them to. that’s the only way i can see it. Also – they built the walls as much as i did. They are walls of rejection. When i was in India, i was called an Ethiopian, when i was in Ethiopia i was called an Indian and none of it a complimentary tone of voice. I am an outside to both of them. i don’t see my judgments as a negative thing – i see it as an ability to recognize that i’m not wanted there. So, i go to where i’m wanted. If there’s an Indian or Ethiopian person who is welcoming, i DO make friends with them.

How come you are keeping your distance??

i was starting to run to him with all of my burdens, and i don’t think that’s a good idea. i mean – i DO have friends other than him! Even male friends! There was something different about the way he fit in my life when i first met him – he completed something in my heart. I don’t know what that was. But when i treat him the same as my other male friends, i feel the lack again.

I’ll bookmark the book. it sounds really interesting.

i’m in a dark hole right now – due to my finances – and — interestingly, the program i’ve been trying to put together to help others — i was working on my Step one and decided to implement it myself – and it started to clear my head. lol 🙂 I guess it works!

i don’t understand what kind of things have changed in me – i don’t feel any kind of fear in relation to the financial situation. I remembered the state i was in about 12 yrs ago – it’s far worse than what i wrote in my 2 minute version. I was actually afraid i was becoming catatonic. I would sit down, and my body would dissolve into anything i sat on – and i would lose all ability to make the smallest movement – even my fingers. I could feel myself inside my body – i was still alert, i could still think and move my eyeballs, but i coudln’t make my body move. Unless my kids or my dog needed help.

i was afraid to close my eyes, because i felt my eyes would melt and sink into my head and i wouldn’t be able to open them again. I was also afraid that my body would stop responding even to the needs of the kids, and that i’d be admitted in the hospital and nobody would know if i was alive or dead because of my inability to respond.

It’s so far removed from me now, that i had even forgotten that! i’m not afraid to sit and i’m not afraid to close my eyes. That’s when i started to see the psychiatrist. And i remember, it took her 3 weeks to prescribe any meds for me, because she had NO CLUE what i was presenting with, and she was afraid if she gave me the wrong meds, it would push me into an undesirable direction. I remember understanding her concern – as if i was not a part of myself – i’m surprised she didn’t diagnose me as schizophrenic! She couldn’t understand how i was able to function at all. On the one hand, i was speaking like a very alert, sane person. But i was telling her things that didn’t match with a sound mind. She didn’t know if i was telling the truth or making things up. Wow. I just realized what a tough spot she was in, because she had NOTHING to go on, to give her a clue about the kind of person i am.

I’m always truthful – and when i go to someone for help, i hide nothing, because what’s the point of asking for help if you’re going to be too ashamed to talk about the very thing you need help with? But there was no way she could know that. You know how when someone is being 100% truthful, it sounds identical to someone who is 100% a psychotic liar? It can be so extremely convincing, that it ignites suspicion! and you wonder what the catch is. I’ve tried to be less than 100% truthful in order to avoid that scenario – but it’s too much work – so – i just speak and hope that people can sense my truthfulness. Most people do.

~~ vino

[Vino]

i forgot to answer some of your questions!

i never got to meet my grandfather. He died before my dad got married. I never understood why my dad would wistfully say he really wished we’d gotten to meet him, till i had my own kids. My Dad died in 1995. My oldest was born 4 yrs later, and then the rest of the grandkids. So, now, me and my siblings all say wistfully: I wish they’d gotten to meet him. 🙂

JB — i’m trying to keep my distance from him and not write to him unless i have something REALLY, REALLY, REAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLY important to tell him. And the minute i decided to do that, he’s starts sending me more messages, because there’s a lot of crazy stuff happening in NYC and for some reason he feels the need to share things with me. SO. i’m just going with the flow. 🙂

~~ vino

[Author]

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