[Vino]

Even the purest act of kindness comes about because the person wants to feel good! If it felt “bad” or even felt like “nothing” to do a kind act, people wouldn’t do it! We are always seeking ways to feel good!

I agree with this – but it has a dark side to it that i didn’t feel good about — if i wasn’t able to do something (like make a donation) – for some reason or other – it made me feel guilt. SO – i did an experiment to break free of it. I refused to give if i noticed the slightest sense of guilt, or need of any kind (need for feeling good, or attention, etc). I give when i’m already feeling good – so it feels like i’m giving out of an overflow as opposed to giving in order to get filled up. Or i give because i am in the right place at the right time, and i have the ability to meet someone’s need at that moment. This has freed me up a LOT!

I had 5 surgeries this past year and had to depend on my mom to come help me every single evening. I suppose I am incredibly grateful that I get to depend on my amazing mother to be with me through this life.

Wow! i am so sorry to hear this, Heidi! i’m so glad your mom was there and able to take care of you in ways you needed! I am terrified of surgeries! you are brave! i hope all is well now and you don’t need any more!

I thought about this a lot last month, because one of my aunts was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. It had already spread into her bones when they found it. They still treated her for a bit, but her body was too weak for the treatment. So, my mom went to India to be with her, and she deteriorated over the next 4 to 5 weeks, and passed away last Monday. While they were caring for her, my cousins and other aunts and mom – all took turns – even wrote down their shifts – so they could get their own rest and also never leave her alone. A few days before my aunt passed, i was feeling rather down. I wondered who i’d want to take care of me if i was sick like my aunt, and i couldn’t think of a single person that i would be comfortable enough with that i’d let them take care of me, and i felt that my dying aunt was more blessed than i was!

But — even after getting out of my time of feeling down, i feel the same. I would especially not want my mom to take care of me. lol 🙂 Not my sister, nor my sister-in-law… I’m fine with them doing my cooking and cleaning… but i wouldn’t want any of them to touch me. On the other hand, if i had to take care of any of them, i would have no issues with it. I’d go into my ‘nurse mode’ and i’d be able to take care of them just fine. But when you’re a patient, you can’t go into nurse mode. you are totally vulnerable and there’s no mask to wear. SO – i can’t afford to get sick, even if i had all the money in the world.

About my financial freedom – when i said i didn’t want to depend on some ‘entity’ i didn’t mean a person – i meant a corporation or a business or some job. They can fire you at any time, they can change your wages at any time, or alter your benefits, etc etc etc. And because they own it, they have every right to do so. So, i try not to get into a situation where i’m relying on them too much. Right now, i am valued greatly and they are working hard to make sure i don’t struggle to pay my bills. I got two raises in just the 4 months i’ve been working there. lol 🙂 But, those who value me do not have power either, and if they get transfered, whoever takes their place, won’t know what i have done in the past 4 months to gain this respect and value, and they’ll just look at the numbers and say – “Hey! Why is a brand new CA being paid so much?”

In a relationship, it’s a whole other ball game. If i meet a man who is generous with his money, i will take him at his word and i will be happy to depend on him financially. But i can’t trust a business like i can trust an individual. I would even trust my mom to support me if she suddenly won the lottery and became super rich.

Emotional dependence and support is also a whole other ball game – i am picky about who i seek out support from. I have to get this sense that they are emotionally equal to, or stronger than i am. So i won’t go to my children for emotional support, not will i go to my mom. My siblings are stronger than my mom, but they are both younger than me, and my sister is so different from me, that i just can’t let myself down before any of them. I find emotional support here! with you! And i find it among many of my online friends.

Health is another area in which i try to be as independent as i can, because i have so much distrust in doctors. But if i’m stuck, i DO seek them out. And i trust that God will lead me to a helpful person — but i still keep my feelers alert – because i’ve run into unhelpful doctors often enough.

We are both fully capable of taking care of ourselves, but we still CHOOSE to need each other – because we are a team in this life.

Yes, choosing to depend on one another makes you a team. And this is beautiful! Because we ARE social beings and we DO function better when we are able to depend on each other. It’s just as beneficial to be depended on as it to be able to depend on someone.

But in order to be free to choose, one has to be FREE. If i am incapable of taking care of myself, i don’t have a choice about being dependent on someone – or someTHING – like the government! This is why i am focused on becoming free. I am open to being surprised by love. But i can’t sit around waiting for it, right?

And i Do know the story you mentioned! it was about this person who was waiting to be rescued from a flooded place and he refused the help of 3 different people who came by to rescue him, because he was expecting to be rescued in a magical way and not by a boat. Or something to that effect. 🙂 I can’t sit around waiting to be rescued, because – what if i need to be in a position to DO the rescuing?

Oh – there’s also this other thing in my mind about all being financially secure or secure in any other way. I sincerely believe that if i had a solid relationship in which i knew without a shadow of doubt that i was valued, i could face ANY kind of hardship in the world and not drown. it’s only because i DON’T have a relationship that i have to build my own fort, so to speak, and make sure that my kids and i are taken care of. There ISN’t anyone to take care of us.

The reason i linked my financial independence to being free enough to go anywhere at the drop of a hat is simply because – i can’t afford to miss a day of work right now, because i make just enough to pay my bills with a little extra to send to mom. if i take a few days off, i won’t be able to pay the rent that month. I also need at least 10 hours of overtime each week. This is what the DM is working on – that i’d make enough per hour so i can pay my rent and bills even without over time, because the busy season has ended and they don’t want anyone to have overtime hours when the work is limited.

i DID actually struggle with the feeling that i wasn’t fit enough to be in a relationship with a man. 🙂 But then, it is undeniable that i DO feel better about my own body when i weigh less than when i weigh a lot. i’ve always weighed a lot more than i should. So, it boosts my confidence a great deal with i lose weight – even at work. it also feels good to be able to fit into clothes, and to be able to walk without losing breath, etc. So, being of a healthy weight isn’t ALL about being being good enough for a man, it’s ALSO about being healthy enough to enjoy your own life. If i can’t enjoy my own body and life on my own, i’ll never be able to enjoy it with someone else! That’s how it seems to me.

tomorrow is my day off! i think, i’m going to sleep in for a bit! 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

I so appreciate all your raw and unedited thoughts! I’m honored you feel safe here to share all of this. I know how closely you hold your vulnerability. Thank you!

You’re welcome! it truly helps me to write things out so i can see it in front of me, and know if what i’m saying is really true or not. And i love how you listen and ask some really good questions that help me see myself even better!

The GoT prequel isn’t as intense as the GoT original. But, that could change as it gets deeper in. I’ve noticed how most series increase in darkness and weight as they go on, even if they start out lighthearted!

It’s not one specific thing, but many things, but whenever someone says “I love you” and even deeper meaning is “I love who I am when I am with you.” Yes, this is true – it’s not one specific thing — and that makes so much sense that “I love you” actually means “I love who i am when i am with you!!!” what a twisted selfish feeling! lol 🙂 I suppose i’m in love with all the good effects that JB is having on me! lol 🙂

All those other women who claimed they loved him so quickly, that’s not really love anyways. Also, a core need for women in relationships is to feel safe – and when they feel emotionally and physically safe with a man, love is able to pour out and be limitless. I know you feel this way with him.

Well — seeing that he has the ability to make someone feel safe — those other women were probably reacting to that – they felt good about themselves when they were near him! that’s probably what i reacted to as well, when i first met him!

Why my adventure can’t involve my children is the flip side of why my adventure can’t involve my mother. lol 🙂 There are natural boundaries that they cannot cross into me and i cannot cross into them. This limits the depth of intimacy that can be achieved in these relationships. I want to experience a relationship in as many dimensions that it can be experienced in!

What i picture in my mind when i think of an ‘adventure’ isn’t a place or an activity or anything specific. It’s more of a whole lifestyle, of exploring and experiencing all of life’s ups and downs together. Even if we never left our own backyard, it would be an adventure, because of how chaotic and unpredictable our world as become.

I don’t expect JB or any other man to want to go any kind of adventure with me. BUT — the cost of the adventure would be different for them than for me… It’s only MY cost that i’m concerned with – and For ME — it will be an ALL or Nothing deal. And in order for me to go ALL IN, i have to have ALL of myself. Right now, my kids still need some me. I also find my financial situation to be a bit of an anchor. I need to be making a LOT MORE money than i’m making right now, so i don’t have to depend on some random entity for my financial security. Either that, or i have to figure out how to not need any money at all! 🙂

It’s my dependence on others and others’ dependence of me that i want to leave behind. I want to be utterly and completely free! I’ve always felt like there was something or other holding me back or slowing me down or taking away my attention from the THING i was really meant to focus on. I still haven’t figured out what it is that i need to focus on, but i do know what kind of things i DON’T want to focus on! For example – even though i need a ton of money, money cannot be my focus. I had a job for a while, in which money was the focus. I only lasted a month. It became SO ASTRONOMICALLY Burdensome!

I’ve been watching how financial entanglements tie people down and increase their frustrations. We have SO MANY customers, who only come to us because their insurance covers work done with us, but not elsewhere. So, when they come to us, they are tied to our schedules and rules and connections and some people have to wait a very long time for their work to get done. Whenever someone feels cornered and says to me: “I guess i have no choice..” i tell them they do — they can choose to pay someone else and get the work done faster or at a different location, etc. BUT – they are already paying their insurance so they don’t want to pay more. Then there are those who choose to pay even though they have insurance, because they do not want their premiums to go up. To them, i would LOVE to ask – why are you wasting money on insurance at all? Just put aside what you put into insurance in your own account, and use it whenever you need it!

i need to be my own insurance so nobody else can dictate where i spend my money! It’s a lot riskier to live your own way, but SO MUCH less frustrating, because you don’t have to deal with anybody else’s rules. This is the kind of nonsense that i want to leave behind!

What does it mean to go on an adventure and possibly never return?

What i have in mind when i think of never returning is — Something SO LIFE altering, like COVID, that makes it impossible to go back to the life we knew… Something drastic that prevents us from meeting again… And, of course, there’s always Death. We can make all the plans we want, but there are SO MANY Things that we not in control of.

thank you for your questions! 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Your response filled me with a warm glow and i’m feeling SO HAPPY! 🙂

We don’t visit very often. My last visit to him was a few weeks ago (a little over 2 hrs by public transport) – and the visit before that was over a year ago – when he came to see me. When he sets aside time for me, he sets aside the WHOLE day. He doesn’t even glance at his phone for a fraction of a moment so i always feel like he and i are the only two people who are real when we are together, and everyone else is just ‘extras’ in the show. Even if we interact with them, it’s like they are just shadows passing through. The very first time this happened, i was just SO SURPRISED because i’d Never, ever, EVER experienced anything like it before. That First ‘interruption’ was a lengthy one too.

We were sitting on a bench, enjoying some drinks, and an old man shuffled by. Then, for some reason, he turned around and came back, and launched into a conversation with JB about some baseball game that happened many years ago. It was a game that JB knew well, so he was able to have a very knowledgeable exchange with him about the game. I, of course, was totally clueless, but never felt disengaged from JB during the whole conversation. Then, the old man abruptly stopped talking, and shuffled away. Then, he came back again and talked with JB some more. The whole exchange was SO MAGICAL to me because of how peaceful everything remained. I didn’t feel like my time with JB, which is extremely rare, was being stolen from me. The fact that JB was able to meet this Old Man in his lost world, and was able to take me along, was just, SO, SO, SO….. oh, i don’t have a good enough word for it! it just made me SO HAPPY!

He is MUCH better than i am at interacting with the strangers who pass through like that. We talk a LOT when we’re together. First time we met, we hung out at Barne’s and Nobles. He bought me a book and we talked about whatever triggered thoughts in us. We were in my neighborhood, so we also drove around and i showed him the other places i’d lived at. We walked about a mall and were thoroughly disappointed that there was nothing exciting to see. This last visit – i went to his place. It was on a Sunday, so i met him at his apartment, and we went to church together. After church, we had some breakfast and went to some shops and were thoroughly disappointed that there wasn’t anything that caught our attention. SO, we headed back to his apartment and watched some shows.

Speaking of shows – here’s your surprise for the day — i DID watch Game of Thrones. lol 🙂 and i DID enjoy it! Yes, it was totally goRY! But it was INTENSE and RAW and every depth of emotion was explored with no excuses. that is why it felt so abusive – because there was no gentle edit of the evil in the hearts of some people – and in real life – who can edit the evil? Isn’t it always a miracle when a person who witnesses so many horrors is untouched by it, and doesn’t turn evil himself? Aren’t there people like that in the real world? All the horrors that they’ve experienced haven’t been powerful enough to destroy their humanity and that is the true strength of a person. Then, there are those who are evil because they are so focused on their own profit and they will sacrifice anyone and anything to get it. Isn’t that also, very real? Then there are those who are exceedingly weak and helpless – they are either destroyed by those who are more powerful than them — OR — they also figure out how to become strong — but they do not use their hard earned strength for evil. This is the Game of Thrones that i got caught up in. I watched the whole thing, and JB watched it after i did. The shows we watched at his apartment are a prequel of Game of Thrones – which is a new series — House of Dragon, i think it’s called. We watched the first two episodes together.

Part of the reason i enjoy watching shows together is because we can explore the emotions of the characters, and we get to know each other deeper by our own responses to the characters and their experiences. There is very little comic relief in GoT. It’s all about people trying to control each other with whatever they’ve got.

You are absolutely right that my writing to JB is far from Friendly! lol 🙂 I wanted to find out if there was a way i could communicate to him, that he means a lot to me, without scaring him away. He’s had women ‘fall in love with him’ in just days after meeting him. And he never felt they were sincere. SO, he never believes anyone who tells him she’s in love with him. SO, when i saw that i too had intense feelings for him, i had to figure out if i truly loved HIM or i was just reacting to something about him, like all those other women. I also, didn’t want to be like those other women – and i had to figure out if i could be authentic, because he’s got an extremely sensitive bs detecting meter. lol 🙂

So, i test my feelings frequently, and i ask myself if i’m feeling this towards HIM or towards something that he has offered me. And if it IS something that he’s bringing into my life — what is it? If he stops offering it to me, will my feelings for him stop? Or change? So far, i haven’t been able to identify tangibly what it is that he’s offering me! He makes no promises of any kind. He comes and goes as he pleases. And yet — he FILLS my life. How is it that being right next to him, in his own apartment, doesn’t intensify his presence, and being far away from him doesn’t diminish the intensity of his presence? How much space is he capable of filling?! what is it about him that makes him so BIG?! is it in my imagination?

I don’t have answers to any of my questions. SO, i freely share with him my feelings, and i never say anything about love, because i don’t know if i love him or not! And i guess he feels free to share his own feelings in whatever way they show up. He tells me it makes him really happy, when i like a song he shares with me. I know it does. Why else would he find time in the midst of his busy days to sort through the songs he knows and pick a few to share with me? Out of the blue, he drops into random sensitive topics and we end up having a discussion that lasts for hours. Then, for days and weeks, we don’t share anything of importance at all. I think back to the time when he first stopped writing to me and how i was filled with so much agony because i had no idea if he’d ever write again or not – and now – silence doesn’t disconnect us. Only discord disconnects us. But he seems to have as much of an openness towards me as i do for him, and i can speak to him freely about anything, with no fear of ‘losing’ him. And just like him, i too, remain silent when i have nothing to say!

There’s also this question that came to my mind a long time ago when i was think about love and how it’s really hard for some people to say ‘i love you’ and for others to believe that anyone can truly love them or not. SO — i wanted to find out if it’s possible to say ‘i love you’ without saying ‘i love you’. and it HAS to be completely different – like – it can’t even be slightly related – so – I care about you, doesn’t count. Nor does ‘you mean a lot to me’ and stuff like that. those are too close to ‘i love you’.

So, i started looking for ways to express his value to me by pinpointing what exactly his value was. So, i’ve shared with him how my relationship with my children has changed since he came into my life, how i don’t get stressed out at work because i think about how much harder he works and my work starts to feel like a piece of cake… stuff like that – things i can say to a friend. But also. to someone i love. One time, last year, i was feeling down, and he wrote something to me that had the perfect combination of words and i wanted it carved into my skin. I wasn’t about to get a tattoo, so i wrote his words upon my arm and i thanked him for his words and showed him what i did with them. I think, what i did, touched him in a deep way, and all i did was thank him. I don’t try to do anything romantic. If anything, i try to tone down what i feel and figure out if i can communicate the full depth of how i feel in a way that would be fully appropriate in the Friend Zone.

I’ve noticed that friendships are more authentic in Friend Zones than they are in romantic relationships, and that doesn’t sit well with me. a Romantic relationship should be everything in the Friend Zone PLUS MORE! So, my goal is to take baby steps, and never outstep authenticity. I’m not going to pretend ANYTHING. And if i’m not sure what ‘love’ feels like – it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to explore whatever feeling i find myself in. So we do a lot of simple sharing that is very uncomplicated, like – “This makes me feel really happy!” I don’t add any depth or weight to any feelings he shares with me, and just receive them at face value. So, he’s free to tell me he’s thinking of me without me thinking he’s going to propose tomorrow! lol 🙂 I figured — he’s fully capable of saying EXACTLY what he feels, and he’ll share with me, whatever he wants to share with me, when he wants to.

There was a song he shared with me after a time of being disconnected with him in the beginning of our relationship. It’s the very FIRST song he shared with me. We hadn’t met, we hadn’t spoken on the phone, and i didn’t even know if he was real person. lol 🙂 I’d never heard the song before, nor did i know the singer — Jimmy Buffet — Anything, Anytime, Anywhere. I haven’t heard a more romantic song in my entire life! He said that was going to be his wedding song. He’s got a ridiculously romantic side to him! My initial gut reaction was that the song was about us. And then — i wanted the song to be true – i wanted to be ready for anything, anytime, anywhere. So, i started to look at my life in light of that – what would have to happen, so i can say in truth: “Anything, anytime, anywhere, for you.”? And that’s when i started noticing how many things were out of place and unstable in my life.

It’s how i knew i wasn’t ready for a man in my life – JB or any other man – I picture him showing up when he’s free, and inviting me to go on an adventure — and i want to be SO READY, that all i’d have to do is grab my purse and a jacket, lock the door and go. Ten minutes tops! (because a bathroom stop is important! lol 🙂 ) It also helps me when i’m impatient and i wish things would go faster – then i do a readiness check and test how much freer i am — there’s still work to be done. My kids still need me in their lives. When i get catapulted into my adventure, i don’t want ANY thoughts about ANYthing to cause ANY kind of stress in me! For this to happen, i need to know my kids will be ok – if i’m gone and i never come back. This isn’t unlike preparing for death! 🙂 SO sometimes, i don’t know if i’m getting ready for a wild life with a man or if i’m just getting ready to leave this life altogether. Either ways, i have to be ready… right?! 🙂

i’m happy that you love all that i’m sharing! the raw unedited version of this portion of the Book of my Life! 🙂 I’m happy to share it with you!

~ vino

[Vino]

I’m happy to have a space to share about JB!!! I am torn between wanting to keep him a secret and telling the world about him! This allows me to share about him in secret! lol 🙂

What is the Title of the Elizabeth Gilbert’s book? The link was broken.

I am curious to know how he views our relationship too! Someday, i hope we will get a glimpse of his view of things! What a treasure that will be!!! But i don’t think he thinks about stuff like this in the same way that i do. He totally enjoys my letters. He sends me cards sometimes. He drew me a cat once. lol 🙂 Right from the start, i got this intense feeling about him — that he watches and takes in everything i do and say. SO, whether he responds or not, i share with him freely, whenever i feel like sharing, with no pressure on him to respond, because i know some part of him is listening deeply.

I know how i’ll handle the pain of his loss – if it comes to that — i will cry. i will cry as much as i need to cry. I have this picture of him — like he’s a magical, Wild Horse. To have his trust and his attention, even for a moment is a gift. But his greatest joy is in his freedom. I hate being trapped myself, and i’ve never been as free as he has! But then again, He might find his contentment in being tied down even as i find mine in being free! We ARE opposites after all! lol 🙂

IF i were weaving this story, i know how i would connect all the dots and create a perfect picture in the end. But that is too obvious, isn’t it? I still wish i could flip ahead in the book and see how it all ends, because it’s so hard to just let things happen in their own speed. One day, these random words appeared in my head: Roots grow in the dark. I wasn’t reading anything or pondering anything or watching any videos. When i ‘heard’ those words, all i could think of was JB. And i wondered what kind of roots are growing in the dark. Then i pictured a plant, with deep roots, rich and strong, and very healthy. But very deep underground. And the part of the plant that grows to the surface – the visible part — takes a long time to reach the surface. And once it does reach the surface, we have no idea how long it will live — so for all the that underground richness, there may only be a very tiny plant visible on the surface.

I feel like my relationship with JB could be an extremely selfish relationship. It would be just for our own deepest pleasure and contentment – Just his & mine. Which would be opposite of my marriage – which was meant to be a means of getting what i wanted through a socially acceptable arrangement. So, i was bound to all these social expectations to live in a certain way, to have kids, to raise the kids in a certain way, to engage in activities that ‘healthy families’ engaged in, and all kinds of stuff that is ‘supposed’ to be. The minute you put yourself into a box that has rules made up by everybody else, the box becomes more important than the individual. One day, i’d like to ask him if he wants to experiment with creating the most selfish relationship in the world, that revolves around just him and me…! lol 🙂

i need to stabilize financially first. I am making a good sum of money due to all the overtime hours i’ve been getting, but that’s going to dwindle down over the next few weeks and months. And i’ve had some unexpected expenses – in extended family. SO – i’m still just getting by, from month to month. Each month, i have to ‘buy back’ my apartment. lol 🙂 If i get sick, i’ll sink.

I usually write to JB on Sunday afternoons. The day feels so peaceful and cozy and i like spending some time with him, being silly to my heart’s content. This past Sunday, i was feeling EXTREMELY silly, because he told me he’d thoroughly enjoyed by last missive. It was my first time hearing the word MISSIVE. So i got quite excited about it, and decided i would write him a MISSIVE instead of a letter. lol 🙂 I had nothing to write about, so i tried to answer one of the questions he’d asked me when i visited him – he was curious to know how well i knew him and asked me to guess who his favorite Game of Thrones character was. I got it wrong. lol 🙂 SO then, wrote up all the stories i have in my head about him. I told him he’s like the ocean to me, that i’m always discovering awesome little treasures, and even if he gets familiar, i’ll always feel like i don’t know him.

Then, the next day, he shared some songs with me. One of the songs he shared with me was “Jungle Love” by Steve Miller. I knew he hadn’t received my missive yet. And yet, there was a line in this song: “You treat me like i was your ocean…”

It isn’t the first time that the lyrics of the songs he shares with me feel like something more than just a song…! 🙂 I bet it was his subconscious that sent that song to me! lol 🙂 One day, i would like to meet JB’s subconscious in person. 😀

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

i’m happy you’re still here! 🙂

My kids are both with me – the younger one was away for about 6 months or so – not in Egypt but in Callicoon – which is upstate, NY — for a course he’d signed up for. It was a two year program, with the option to do it at your own speed. So, that’s what he ended up doing. He’s home now, taking two heavy courses at the local comm college. His friend from TX is here as well, staying with us for a while – at least a year. My older one is struggling. But also maintaining and building relationships. i’m happy to have her with me so she’s not isolated as she was for 2 years, at their dad’s house.

I don’t know how to describe my relationship with JB. I get cosmic images in my mind when i think of him. We’re not any kind of ‘just friends’ like i’ve ever had before. There are so many diametrical opposites in us. Everything that happened to me in the first half of my life, created more and more and more emptiness in me. The things that wounded him have caused layers and layers and layers of scars of all shapes and sizes. His scars fit in my emptinesses. Perhaps i soothe his wounds because there is nothing in me that rejects anything about him.

There were things in the way, when we first met, which is why i was losing my mind — they were things that were blocking his ability to enter more fully into my life. The physical distance between us, which was so frustrating to me, created a perfect opportunity for him to ease into my life. I wanted him faster, but i wasn’t flexible enough and open enough – due to my own raw wounds. I had to heal without scaring, so i could stretch without breaking, so he’d have enough room in my heart to just be himself.

It happened in a fraction of a second – something in his profile embedded itself in me – when i went back to re-read what he’d written, to find what it was that had zapped me, i couldn’t find it. Whatever bit me, bit him too. He is not a man who likes to be tied up in a relationship, especially at the speed at which he got caught up with me. I think i got planted in him too. As he grew in me, he kept breaking down my preconceived notions of men and relationships. That’s where all the pain came from. I was forced to examine all of my thoughts and feelings and ideas, to see if they were legitimate. Maybe they were — BUT — they all prevented me from seeing him AS HE IS. They were all different kinds of lenses — that he had to match — so i could put him in a neat little box of ‘just friends’ or ‘in a relationship’ or whatever.

His preconceived notions and lenses, cannot be broken without destroying who he is. They need to be dissolved. And i am the perfect person to dissolve stuff, because i am very fluid – i can morph into any shape and enter the smallest spaces. This is what my healing feels like to me – i’ve softened up a LOT and i’ve become more and more flexible. But i’m not weak – there is a strong current inside of me, that is deep and very focused. i know what i value and i have no room for what i don’t value, and that’s where my strength lies.

His presence in my life has even altered my relationship with my own children! And i have become a better mother to them!! This started early on, when we had a discussion about Unconditional Love. He told me it’s impossible for humans to have unconditional love towards each other. I guess it sounded like a challenge to me. lol 🙂 And who better to test it on than the children? I have examined my love for my children so closely and i know, the slightest change in how i feel, the slightest impatience and frustration – is due to a condition not being met — so i pause, identify the condition – and communicate my expectations clearly and create space for the children to meet those expectations in their own way. OH how i wish i’d been able to do this during all their growing up years! Unconditional love is NOT about being a doormat, and losing all your boundaries! It’s about having endless space for each other to make mistakes and grow, without any fear of losing the foundation of love our relationship is built on.

As i excercised loving my children in a more wholesome way, my relationship with my family changed too. Because the principles remain the same – there is no reason to get frustrated in ANY relationship. And of course, JB benefits from all of my exercises too, because i’m able to give him a better and better and better quality of friendship. All the letters i write to him – i mail them to him. 🙂 i’ve always loved writing letters. There’s something deeply satisfying about writing an address on an envelope, putting a stamp on it, and dropping it in the mailbox. i never force myself to write to him. I only write if i have something to share. my emails to him have become non-existant, because i don’t even feel like myself if i email him. There’s as much of a difference in reading a letter, as there is in writing one — when you hold a piece of paper in your hands that someone has written your name on — they feel very close.

So, according to my cosmic images, JB and I have a part to play in each others’ lives. I know that there are changes happening in him too, as they have been happening in me, even though he doesn’t write about them, or connect them to me like i connect the changes in me to him. One thing that i DO know is that he’s no longer on any dating sites. He has no time. He is extremely concerned about his future after he retires. He’s not yet in a place where he wants to focus on building a relationship. IF i hadn’t met him when i did, we never would’ve been in each other’s lives. When he knows what he wants to do with his future, he’ll probably have more time to think about a relationship. And at that time, there’s a chance our relationship will end… or take a different turn. So, i’ve asked myself — why am i waiting for him? Why can’t i decide which way ‘I’ want to go?

And that leads me back to the beginning – inspite of all the chaos that erupted in me because of him – he brought a kind of peace that i’d never experienced before. A feeling of completeness. You know how when you’re gathered together with family for a holiday, if one person is unable to come or is late, you feel their absence keenly? And when they come, you feel like you can finally begin to enjoy the holiday? When JB came into my life, i felt like the number of people that had to come into my life was complete. I stopped searching. it took me a few weeks to recognize this feeling because it was so subtle and it was new. It’s the absolute first time in my life that i’ve ever felt like nobody was missing.

writing about him fills me with such infinite satisfaction! Oh – my relationship JB has also caused me to examine my marriage. And as much as i like to blame the ex for the breakdown of that relationship, i now know that if i had been honest and true, that marriage would never have happened. I had to ask some reverse questions for that. One of which was – would i have married him IF he hadn’t been an American? And the answer to that is a SOLID NO! So the fact that he was American was more important to me than who he was as a person! so what exactly did i want from him? obviously, it wasn’t HIM – because — there was nothing about him that i valued. i wasn’t attracted to his outside OR his inside. I only wanted to get away from my mother, get away from Ethiopia and India, and i felt like he was my only ticket to the US, because of how ugly i was, and how there wasn’t another man in all my life who’d showed the slightest interest in me. Since i’d always wanted to get married, i THOUGHT i wanted to marry HIM. But i didn’t want to marry HIM.

How i wish i’d known how to examine myself back then! So, at the beginning of my relationship with JB – i was still in that mindset — i wanted a relationship with a man. I’ve had to unlearn all that, and learn to value the MAN instead of a relationship-with-a-man, or whatever other benefits come attached with having a man in your life. This is another reason i feel like my relationship with JB isn’t a mere friendship. it is the TRUEST friendship i’ve ever had. I’m learning to value a man! In learning to value this one man, i’m learning to value everyone else in my life! I just can’t get over that! What a phenomenal gift!

thanks for letting me share 🙂

~ vino

ps – the teacher tore up his homework because it was a punishment – kind of like writing ‘i will not talk in class’ a 100 times on the blackboard! lol 🙂 JB was just being unruly, cutting class, not doing his work, being disrespectful, etc etc etc. He said he needed someone to keep him in line or else he would’ve been a total disaster. 🙂

[Vino]

I’ve been B.U.S.Y.!!!!! 🙂 Are you still here?!

I started working at Safelite – an auto glass shop, at the beginning of June. And it’s been drama every day! After one week in the shop, they sent me to the nearby location – to ‘train’. It was great, cuz i got to meet some important people in the district. Then, after about 2 or 3 weeks, the manager at my location quit. They’d hired an assistant manager a few weeks after me, but he was overwhelmed. The lead tech went on a PTO and i was left to pick up the pieces. The district manager tried to help me as much as she could, but she too was transferring to a new location.

i’ve gotten to know the new DM. I used my powers of writing, to get all the help i needed on the days that i was alone in the shop. Managers from other locations helped with stuff i couldn’t do. And since the new DM has taken over, he’s been getting more solid help to the shop. One of the managers of a nearby location is covering his shop and hours while they finalize the selection of a new manager for my shop. The DM asked me if i had plans for climbing the corporate ladder and i said no thanks.

I’m happy being in customer service. i don’t want the stress of answering for incompetent people. I have gotten myself 2 raises since starting work just 4 months ago. lol 🙂 i find it to be slightly amusing that they value me so much. What kind of people are they hiring if they are so impressed with me? At any rate. I feel like i’ve been tossed into a lab to practice all of my lessons of the past 2 years.

Do you know how ABSOLUTELY insignificant issues at work are compared to Matters of the Heart?! I come home and feel like i have to do some work! But i AM getting super sleepy from being at the shop 9 to 12 hrs/ day. Some weeks it’s 6 days in a row. I’m happy we’re closed on Sundays and holidays or we wouldn’t get any break at all!

I’ve allocated my mental and physical ‘banks’ to work. There’s nothing at work that even comes close to within a 100 miles of my emotional bank. i wish i’d known how to compartmentalize like this AGES ago! ONLY my family and friends have the right to my emotional currency and even they don’t have equal access to my whole account. Customers and coworkers get zero emotional currencies. Our interaction is purely work. and Oh, how PEACEFUL that is! All i have to do is show and work through the issues of the day and tie up whatever lose ends i find, untangle some knots we run into, and it’s all good. I found myself getting yelled at, and also yelling back, and it doesn’t affect me at all, even if i DO lose patience sometimes. Because NOTHING reaches my emotional bank!

I tried so hard to help an old lady and she was so angry that things didn’t go well for her the first time, that she took it out on me for a half hour over the phone. And since i liked her from the time i saw her, and completely understood her frustration, i just couldn’t be offended. And she found my lack of negative reaction to be condescending and arrogant, and it infuriated her even more. I was lost there — didn’t know how to communicate to her that i cared, and wanted to help her find the right glass for her car — but — i wasn’t going to get all emotional about stuff because that doesn’t help to solve a puzzle!

At any rate. Some people are super pleased and others hate me. It doesn’t change how i work, because i’m not working for them. I’m working for me. When i get tired of it, i’ll leave. I’ve never experienced so much power in any place! And when i am home, my emotional bank is FULL and i am able to fully engage with my kids and friends, as if i have all the time in the world for them.

Anyway. I just wanted to check in and see if you’re still around. Sometimes, i think about all the years that have gone by since i met JB. And i wonder what kind of a story we are all caught up in. I know i’ve changed dramatically. My relationship JB — it seems to be the only thing that truly matters to me and yet — it doesn’t control me like it did when i wrote my first post here.

I value it so much because he seems to be the only adult who is as free as i am, to build a relationship with. Everyone else is so caught up in their own worlds and lives. I hung out with JB a few sundays back. I saw the neighborhood he grew up in. He’s been in the same place all his life! At the same time, he’s travelled the whole world. All the people i grew up with, never lived in one place all their lives. So, it’s totally different to get to know someone who is so connected to a place. It’s like walking into a story book. There are still some shops that used to be there when he was a boy and got icecream for a quarter! lol 🙂

i’ve taken to writing letters to him, because when i write a letter, i feel like i’m spending real time with him. I find i cannot write to anyone else the way i write to him – simply because – i don’t want to give them as much of my time. He shared on an fb post how he’d been punished in high school once – he was told to write the Declaration of Independence backwards. So he did. And when he handed it in his teacher tore it up. I was so captured by that! So i wrote the Declaration of Independence for him backwards and mailed it to him. Told him i had so much fun with his punishment and he could tear it up. He didn’t tear it up. lol 🙂 I’ve never had so much fun just being, and enjoying whatever happens. Being near him is SO PEACEFUL. Even if we’re constantly going from one thing to another.

I never know when i’ll see him again. And yet. I don’t even feel like i’m not seeing him everyday! I as watching a video the other day, of this artist. She makes 3 dimensional things 2 dimensional by painting on them in such a way that she takes the natural shadows off of them. She paints people so it looks like they’re a flat painting! it’s just SO, INCREDIBLY fascinating and hypnotizing! And then — a thought came to me — It is the Shadows that she was eliminating to make a 3D person into a 2D person. And the opposite is also true – a painting needs the right shadows in order to make a 2D painting look 3D. And i thought — unless we get to see all lights and shadows of a person, they are flat and unreal! But – we are so in love with the flat images that we first encounter, that when the shadows of a person begin to appear, we have trouble accepting those parts of them. We have to embrace every angle of a person if we want to get to truly know them. ALL parts of them have to be equally welcomed! Oh, i don’t ever want any part of JB to change in any way! i want to know him in all of his dimensions! I don’t want relationships with paintings, i want relationships with people!

Gosh – Heidi — that means you’re not a person to me yet! 🙁

it’s past my bedtime! Hope you’re still around! 🙂

otherwise, somebody is going to have a bit of headache figuring out what on earth i’m talking about. lol 🙂

~ vino

[Vino]

Heidi! it’s been so long!

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

thanks for sharing your website! if we lose touch here, i’ll find you there! 🙂

I took advantage of my dark space this time, and explored it, although, i must admit, my initial reaction is always panic because the previous things that got me out of it aren’t working anymore. But this time, i remembered my spiral. If a previous insight or technique isn’t getting me out of a space, it means i’ve gone deeper down, and i need something more. SO – i explored the space i was in, so i would know it, and then, prepare to receive whatever it was that i needed in order to unlock that level.

i wasn’t pleased with what i found. I found ingratitude, and a disbelief in God’s Goodness to me, which put me on a very slippery slope to despair. I was truly upset with myself about the ingratitude, because the last 2 years have been PHENOMENAL! SO incredibly full of healings and growth, and so many good things that were so custom-made just for me — so this i was ashamed of this ingratitude. i tried reminding myself of all the good things – but of course, that didn’t work. Then, i came upon a brilliant idea. I decided i would separate my ‘knowledge’ from my ‘feelings’. I wasn’t going to pretend i felt something that i wasn’t feeling. So – the ‘feelings’ of gratitude were missing – the warmth in my heart, the joy, the sense of being connected to someone who loves me, — all that was gone. But i KNEW that i had experienced many good things – so that wasn’t Undone – they weren’t my imagination – i could point to specific changes in my life that were rooted in those good things happening to me. That really helped, that the Good Things were tangible and undeniable, and not imagined.

So, i plunged into my dark pit, accepting that i was going to go through a period of not being able to feel anything good, but knowing that the absence of the feelings didn’t mean that i was ungrateful. This prevented shame from festering, and i didn’t go to confession to confess that i was ungrateful. lol 🙂 (yes, i’ve done that). i also re-labelled my sadness as tiredness of my soul, just like tiredness of my body after a day’s work. When i looked it that way, it took out a lot of negativity attached to sadness. The biggest one being – i didn’t have to be joyful all the time just because my life is better than 98% of the people in the world. I’ve been doing a lot of inside work, and i was just experiencing an inside tiredness, and i just needed to stop digging for a while and let it rest.

I don’t know if that worked, because other things surfaced that i had to deal with. The annulment thing — yeah, we haven’t discussed that a great deal. Basically, the way i see it — it examines the foundations of a marriage to see if all the important things were in place from the start. This isn’t to say that a marriage that starts on faulty foundations can’t work out, BUT — it surely relaxes the expectations and vindicates you in a way — by saying – yeah- this thing was messed up from the start, it makes perfect sense that it didn’t work out. There are several things they look for as foundational – for example – free will — both parties should have entered the marriage of their own free will – so they look for any kind of coersion, or perhaps an unexpected pregnancy that forced them to marry, etc. Another is getting married for visa purposes (or other non-relationship stuff). Another would be an underage marriage. And any marriage in which there something is hidden from another party, that directly affects the relationship. And there’s several more. But i was told my case is weak, because i can’t prove the ones i picked — namely – that i didn’t know the ex was gay when i married.

So – whatever grounds we pick – we have to provide reliable proof – so someone isn’t falsely accused. And i don’t have proof that the ex is gay. Anyway. I pondered a lot – even though i was trying to get inner-rest — WHY do i want someone else to declare what i already knew to be true? Part of the reason to that is because i’ve always lived in my imagination so much. But this part of my life was so real. And yet – i’m the only one who lived through it, so in a way, it’s just like my imaginations which were also solo-adventures. To have someone else say – yes – we saw you suffer and you were indeed taken advantage of — even if that statement doesn’t come from the Tribunal, but if it came from those who KNOW — that’s what i needed. That’s why i butted heads with Fr M and the other witness who refused to give relevant details — BUT — i knew where they were coming from too! IF they were to be my witnesses, they would have to betray their own conscience, and i didn’t want that to happen.

SO – last night – i re-counted my friends who have stood up for me — and i came up with a good number. Zero. of course, a lot of my newer friends haven’t been put in a position to defend me, so that number may be higher – but of all those from my first 50 years, i have none. I wasn’t as hurt as i thought i’d be. My prayer list is a good guide for how deep my relationships are! Fr M, and my Silent Witness – i put them on my list because they have done many good things for me, and i am grateful to them. BUT – i also noticed a slight burden in praying for them every day, and it didn’t make any sense to me — i thought there was something wrong with me and that i was being ungrateful. But now i know – their friendship wasn’t deep enough to support me as i needed. So, in order to maintain the friendship, i was carrying extra weight.

You know, i can’t share these things with anyone else because they’d feel like i’m splitting hairs. I don’t think anyone notices these subtle differences in the ‘weight’ of a relationship. At any rate, i was unable to cut them off until last night. Now that i knew exactly where they stand, i’ve been able to close the door – i will not be taking them with me any further. i know this sounds exactly like my previous post – but i’m not in pain anymore. That was a major surprise of today.

I wasn’t expecting my pain to disappear so fast. Last night – i was in so much pain that i couldn’t write. My feelings were overwhelming me, so that my writings turned into furious scribbles, and i just pretended that all the scribbles carried the exact words, thoughts and feelings that were flowing through my mind. So, when i was done scribbling, it wasn’t forceful enough, so i crushed the pages of my book. That felt super good, so i kept crushing and crushing and crushing. Then, i stopped to straighten it out, because it’s my daily meditation book, and i still have half a month left. But after i smoothed it out, i still wanted to crush it, so i did, and i noticed how the crushed part of the book kept expanding and getting tearing, and then it made the entire booklet too stiff to get to the uncrushed pages. I tried to stop my brain from searching for analogies, but oh, that is SUCH A HARD thing to do!

I took some good pictures of my crushed book. I’ve decided to call it “Unspoken Words” – and i think — if i ever go into some kind of art — this will definitely be one of my sculptures! lol 🙂 Unspoken words are painful. They take up more space than they need to and they get in the way of the unused pages. I cut them all off so i could get to my pages. It felt like i was cutting out pieces of my heart. Those pages were so alive! I was going to burn them today, but couldn’t pull myself together. Then, about 5pm, i felt my energy shifting – and i’m still feeling some tenderness in my body – especially around my heart – but – something has shifted.

I hope FrM and my Silent Witness don’t feel guilty for not being able to support me. Gosh, i can’t believe i shifted from feeling sorry for myself that i’ve never had anyone to support me to where i am now, SO QUICKLY! I think i’ll be an even better friend from now on. And i’ll also be better at evaluating who is capable of standing by me and who isn’t, and i won’t be an undue burden on those who can’t. Just because i’m willing to stand by anyone whom i call a friend, doesn’t mean that they’re able or willing to do the same for me. I don’t know. i need to see how the lines have fallen. I’m still in awe of the lack of pain in me at this moment. lol 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Happy Birthday, Heidi! i have two other friends whose birthdays are on May 3rd! So, i won’t be forgetting yours!!

You are right that i am speaking from a wounded place. it isn’t just people that i have no energy for. I don’t even want to engage in conversations. i wanted to respond to your thoughts — i’m in agreement with everything you said, so it’s not even like there’s a resistance to sort out — i just feel like words are so heavy right now. Good or bad. there’s no pain of any kind anywhere in my heart. even the things that frustrate me, like the annulment, are too exhausting to get angry about. All the people i’ve pushed out of my life, it’s just to create some distance, so i can heal and figure out where i want my boundaries, before letting them back in. i think i’ve trusted people too deeply, inspite of the fact that i imagine i’m not good at trusting.

i have to buy some groceries and return the rental car. i don’t want to. i just want to return the car but then, i’ll have to still get the groceries and it’s so much easier to not have to walk with groceries. gosh, i’ve never been so tired of everything. well. maybe i have and i just don’t remember.

i’m glad you’re still here too.

~~ vino

[Vino]

So much going on! My 50th birthday was on May 8. Mother’s day is a trigger day for me. I was super depressed for at least 2 weeks leading up to the 8th. Getting out of it now.

i got tangled up in some youtube videos about twin flames. i did that for about a week. It was very addicting. And i tried to understand why. I noticed it’s because it gave me comfort. To know that the things i’m feeling are normal, that i’m not going crazy, that things will soon get better, that i deserve something good — such generalized stuff. And then you toss in some specifics that are slightly less generalized: “i’m seeing something about curly hair. license plates. i don’t know what that’s about. Ireland. something about ireland. I see the name Gary.” and if you recognize something about these slightly less generalized things, you get hooked even more and you think the message is specifically for you, even though there was ZERO message attached to those tiny details. Bloody clever, if it’s all a hoax! lol 🙂

Anyway – it wasn’t serving me any purpose. It was keeping me stuck in a space that i had already resolved – wanting to know where my relationship with JB stands. I had decided i need him in my life, and i am not ready for a relationship myself, so i will leave that on the back burner, while focusing on the more important things in my life. how is this different from nursing a wound and preventing it from healing?

But one good thing came out of those videos. The idea of ‘self-betrayal’. I looked up the definition of ‘betrayal’ because it wasn’t gelling in my mind. i found that the greatest philosophers have had trouble defining it accurately without a story to go with it! There were no stories of ‘self-betrayal’. However, in the last few days, i’ve been more liberal in expressing my anger and frustration due to my annulment process which is hitting a snag due to the lack of witnesses. The advocate assigned to me said my case was weak without witnesses. She said dumb things like: “your brother didn’t want to help you.” Hello?! how is he supposed to come up with the video that the ex posted and deleted?! When i asked her that, she said – ‘well, maybe he downloaded it?” and i said– “On what insane planet would someone download a video that someone else posts with their damning confessions?! what would be the purpose of such an ugly act?” and she said: “Well – to show others maybe?!” if i could’ve slapped her across the face, i would’ve! How is it that her brain sees people as so low and indecent?! Download the confessions of an ex-brother-in-law to show to others?! how disgusting is that?!

I asked for a different advocate. I said i wanted someone who didn’t speak with a foreign accent and who wasn’t off a non-white descent. I apologized for being racist and said i still stand by my request because i’m not longer willing to be at a disadvantage in order to not offend someone else. Then i changed my mind and told them, i didn’t care what they did, because it’s not like i’m going to magically find any ‘proof’ for a white advocate. All of this loosened the anger that simmers in me. And i wrote to Fr M, and told him i hate being trapped in a phantom marriage, and i hate that he refused to be a witness, because he’s one of two people who has real proof – not documented – but of a lengthy relationship. I got angrier at my other witness, who DID testify, but didn’t tell them anything useful due to ‘confidentiality’ of confessions.

So, i went back to the drawing board and asked myself why i’m feeling like an annulment will release me from the marriage. At the bottom of it, lies a need for vindication. i want someone to acknowledge, with proof, that i was in an abusive relationship. So, why do i want that validation? That recognition that i did suffer? Am in not out of it now? And it boiled down to justice. i’ve been treated like i was as equally responsible for the destruction of that relationship as he was. But that is not true. Nobody is perfect. But some are more conscientious than others. Those who are more conscientious, hurt others less. I was hurt more in that relationship than he was. It also put in more effort to rebuild it. And i was also willing to sacrifice ALL the happiness of what remained of my life, IF i had seen the SLIGHTEST bit of effort on his part. Thank God i saw that there was no effort!

I also understood the ‘status quo’ that he wanted to maintain. It was the fake image that he had worked so hard to build – the image of a happy family. it validated him as a man who could provide for and create a happy family even though he came from a broken family. And the reason he hated me is because i didn’t want to play that game anymore. And that is the reason why that word ‘status quo’ was such a trigger for me. It is synonymous with pretending that a lie is a truth and living according to that. I HATE PRETENDING! (unless it’s for fun and i’m pretending to be a magical creature.)

So, in the space of two weeks, thanks to all the things happening in my life – i have defined ‘self-betrayal’. Self-betrayal is when you value the good intentions of others more than their actions. This causes you to diminish the degree of pain that has befallen you. You are even ashamed of the pain you are feeling because there was no malicious intent towards you. So, you may even avoid taking care of yourself, and tell yourself to stop making a mountain out of a molehill. You don’t talk about your pain, because it is so small compared to the pain happening in someone else’s life. And you know you’re supposed to forgive and forget anyway, so you focus on that, and ignore the fact that there’s a wound that needs your attention. THIS is self-betrayal. Victimhood is when you magnify the injury done to you. Self-betrayal is the opposite – when you minimize the injury you sustained. You may even blame yourself for it, which, even if it is true, doesn’t help you to heal.

I’m cutting out all the people in my life who minimized my injuries. They are SOLID, good people. Like Fr M and the other witness who could’ve spoken up on my behalf. But their adherence to their principles – which they cannot break without betraying THEMSELVES! — has left me defenseless. So, i’m removing them from my inner circle of trust. They never should’ve been allowed in that far. The deeper you allow a person, the greater the risk of damage they can do to you. I’ve decided that only my kids are allowed that far in. And for some reason, i can’t leave JB out either, so he’s in too. Only the twin flame ideas explain why he has such access to my heart. And that is interesting to me.

But there are some principles behind the ‘twin flame energy’ – that can be replicated. I think it’s like someone who is naturally a genius vs someone who works to gain the skills of that genius. At some point, the one who practices relentlessly is equal to the genius. I think the ‘twin flame energy’ simply shows what’s possible in a relationship – and ANY couple can choose to build such a relationship by studying the natural skills of a successful twin flame couple, and applying it to their own relationship. That’s my theory.

On another note – i’ve been turned down by the Aldi supermarket too. I got as far as an interview with them. Perhaps they think i’m too old to stock shelves? In all honesty, after the interview, i was wishing i’d get a job someplace that i didn’t have to work on Sundays and holidays. I’m 50 for goodness sakes! i want to think about retiring in 5 yrs. I’m tired. I’m so tired.

I just want to shrink my world down to what matters just to me, and push everything else out, and enjoy the seasons, a garden, a peaceful home. I don’t want to deal with customers, other people’s problems. I don’t care if all the wisdom and knowledge i’ve gathered doesn’t go anywhere or help anyone. I honestly don’t care. it’s just knowledge. Someone somewhere else has already discovered it, written a book about it, and built a multi-million dollar business with it. So, nobody is going to be impoverished if i die without sharing what i’ve learned. Try as i might, i just can’t bring myself to feel the slightest bit of interest in someone else’s problems.

Even in my own children – i am emotionally distancing myself – just creating a space where they can share and explore their thoughts and feelings and dilemmas freely. But i don’t get involved in their final decisions, nor do i try to influence their decisions. Just want to go on a long, long, long, peaceful gentle train ride with JB, and enjoy the world together. it brings me so much satisfaction to do stuff for my children. And JB. Far more than even my mother and other immediate family. A subtle difference.

i’m not going to talk to anyone about anything anymore. good or bad. unless someone talks to me – i’m done sharing. i had a bit of entertainer in me, which is why i liked sharing. i just want quiet now. i want SO MUCH quiet. i’m removing everything that agitates me in any way. thoughts are too agitating. Trying to say the right words is agitating. When moments pass, i’m not going to try to recapture them. some moments may come around again. And others — i have been blessed with a fleeting memory, so they’ll be gone in 24 hours.

i’d like to keep in touch with you. so if you leave this site, please give me a way to keep in touch.

~~ vino

[Vino]

Heidi — i didn’t realize i had never replied to your last message to me!

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!

i didn’t explore The Mother with her that deeply. I was just floored by my discovery. lol 🙂 I observed instead, how she interacted with her kids when she spoke about them, or TO them, when they called. And i noticed that she relates differently to her children than mom ever did to us. The Mother attitude that she carries with her is similar to a wild animal – no matter how friendly it is, you never know what will set it off and cause it to bite you! lol 😀 BUT, she and her husband aren’t 100% sure about their son – they are afraid to trust him. I don’t know all the details, i know he did drugs for a while, and he decided at one point, that he had enough. He came up with his own plan to come clean – locked himself up with OUR MOM!!!! – his grandmother!! for a month – and submitted to her everything she taught him. I don’t know him well enough to say if ‘i’ would trust him 100%, but i did ask her: “What is the cost of trusting him? What are they afraid of losing?” i don’t know if she’ll think about it. But – everytime i have trouble trusting someone it’s because i think there is a risk of some kind of loss that i am not going willing to take.

My biggest worries about my kid leaving was where she’s staying – in a boys dorm. I don’t care how real the trans ideology is, the fact is, she has a FEMALE body. And that Female body is not safe in a boy’s dorm. Even if the boys are just being friendly, what if someone gets drunk one night? Anyway, it’s been a 6 days and the fear in my head has receded to the back burner. if something horrible happens, we’ll just have to work our way through it. Hopefully, it will all be good.

I’m not worried about not being hired for the minimum wage positions i’ve been applying for. It’s just interesting to me, that’s all. They need the help, so why are they not hiring me?! lol 😀 i know it will trap me, so i don’t REALLY want it either. It will take up all my hours and i won’t have the time or energy to do things i want to do. I still need to sort through this are – it’s really messy. I don’t want to give up my freedom. But i need to find a way to make some money fast.

The course i mentioned is a counseling course, not coaching. It is connected to the local county in some way. They are providing counseling and other therapy stuff for people with no insurance and people who get into trouble with the police and need anger management and stuff. So, the training is discounted deeply – just $325 for 12 2-hr sessions. Then, you see clients WITH a trained counselor for some sessions. Then you work for them for free for 2 hrs a week for 18 months. You can have your own clients on the side with the training they provide.

i found an interesting website — healthunlocked.com. anonymous Peer support for people going through mental issues and other stuff. i signed on to see what kind of problems people are anonymously searching for help with. Well — there’s MANY kinds! I noticed that i don’t have the patience for people who are blaming everyone else in their lives for their issues! like this 65 yr old woman who is feeling super isolated in her bad marriage, because she’s afraid to go out due to covid and she kept talking about her husband’s issues. First he was an alcoholic, but he got over that. Now he’s smoking and he stopped again when he got really sick, but he sneaks in a smoke every once in awhile. He’s got bad eating habits, etc etc. He’s told her that she’d be lonely if she left him. She’s been staying out of fear. And her family isn’t giving her enough support to leave him.

NOW – i don’t know how much pain she is in – but even through her complaining, i see that her husband is working on his own addictions. And even though he also seems to be manipulative i don’t feel sorry for her at all.

Anyway – that’s the state of my mind. I don’t know if i’ll be a good counselor or a therapist or a coach of any kind, because i have no patience for women like her.

My massager therapy certificate isn’t valid anymore. I stopped doing it about 5 yrs ago. I was also only licensed in NJ, not NY. I quit because it was frustrating to make money with it through a spa. It works best when you have your own practice and at the time, i didn’t have the energy to figure out how to be in business for myself.

i’ve noticed something interesting in my body the last week to 10 days or so. I feel like there’s not enough weight on my body! Whenever i walk, it feels better to walk with a heavy bag, than with just a purse! it’s a really weird feeling! 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

I had to submit the short message above so i could view my previous post! lol 🙂

So – live has been a bit crazy since my sister’s visit! Picked her up on the 27th, and i rented a car and drove her towards DC on Friday (the 4th). Since i don’t have a car, it limited the number of places we could get to, to the public bus routes. But, the fact that i’m not working was very relaxing and we had plenty of time to talk and catch up. And i got to observe her in a way i’v never done before!!!

As sisters, we never cut each other any slack, so if we disagree, we tend to slide into an argument. But, this time, instead of getting hung up on her words i listened to the KIND of words she was using. And wow! did i discover a secret or what?! She sees herself as a mother!! Not just to her kids, but to all her students and the younger hospital staff, and she gets involved in their lives as a “MOTHER”!!! She literally said: “I am a mother to them”! Who says such a thing?! I’ve only heard my own mother say such a ridiculous thing! Suddenly, ALL of our lifelong friction cleared up, and i understood why we’ve never been able to see eye-to-eye. She’s all grown up!

There was one moment, when she made me feel small. I have tucked it away to analyze it, because i can’t figure it out yet. It was her tone of voice, not her words. And i associate it most strongly with my definition of ‘mother’. But i need to figure out HOW she could’ve toned herself differently, in order to deliver her message without making someone feel small, while still holding on to her motherliness. And i’m eternally grateful i’m not at all like her! lol 😀

BUT – she’s an amazing nurse! Puts everyone at ease and even took care of a fellow passenger on her way back.

Anyway — before her visit was over, my 2nd one heard back from Job Corps and they asked her to come right away! She was able to get 2 weeks to prepare. During those two weeks, she had jury duty. Thankfully, she wasn’t picked, or else she would’ve had to put off Job Corps for a while longer. She had to say goodbye to all the new friends she was making at Red Lobster, and i’m happy she made some really good connections in her short time there.

The older one is going to miss her a LOT. Kept wanting to do things together every day, a lot more than usual. I wasn’t happy that she was leaving so quickly either, but i became downright terrified when i found out she’d be staying in the boy’s dorm. I was hoping they’d both finish their schooling without getting into the dorm situation.

So, today, we took her to the Port Authority in the City and said our goodbyes. The house feels so silent. Even though she’s not loud! except when she’s laughing with the older one. i do not like this kind of silence.

tomorrow, i have to test out a bus route, to see how long it will take me to get to this place that sounds like it will interesting to work at. It’s only 5 miles away. But the bus routes only take me to a stop that’s 2 miles from the place. I”d need to do a transfer too. SO — i need to calculate this before i can apply for the job. To be honest, i’m discouraged. Why do you suppose they didn’t want to hire me at Chipotle’s?! just weird.

Several other jobs i applied to, said they’d be training on the job, so, i don’t know why they didn’t want to train me? oh well. The only part that bothers me about this whole job thing is that my kids are really worried about it. The older one is talking about moving back to his dad’s because he doesn’t want to be homeless. Well… we’re not going to be homeless for at least another 2 months. I know that’s not a lot of time, but… i don’t have anything to base my confidence on. And it’s reasonable that they need proof that i’m not going to become homeless.

Anyway. That’s where i’m at. With my courses – i don’t understand how i can set myself up as a coach of any kind with just my life-lessons. I feel like i need some kind of proper training as a counselor or something. The counseling program that i was hoping i’d be able to start last year, finally set up classes THIS year – starting April. BUT – i don’t know if i’ll make it to the classes if i’m working — it seems odd to me to apply for work and tell them i won’t be available for certain days because of my classes. It’s ok if i apply to a part time job, but i need a full-time job so i can keep my apartment! lol 🙂

Well. I think i’ll get the job first, and hope they’ll do another series of classes in the fall. i don’t know. I can’t think anymore. I’m just totally blank.

Thanks for checking up on me. That’s super kind of you to do that!!! 🙂

~~ vino

[Vino]

Hi Heidi!! thanks so much for checking up on me!

[Vino]

How come you are having that person stay at your house for week? Because you are a nurse and they need care or something? I imagine you are not too happy about that…or are you?

i see my post was very unclear. lol 😀 i’ll only be picking up my sister. She’s going to hand over the patient (who is an old family friend) – at the hospital on Saturday. I’ll pick her up on Sunday. I got a ride 🙂 so the first leg of the journey is all planned. Next, we need to work out how to get her from my place to DC – but she’s in contact with her friends who are living roundabouts, so maybe someone will be able to offer her a ride.

My feelings are conflicted. I’m very happy to see her again – it’s been 3 yrs. Plus – it’s the motivation i needed to clean up my house (which i am still avoiding! lol 🙂 ) The reason for the conflict is something that my older one said (on a IG post). When he shared a painting of his with her, her response was: “That is disgusting” – it was of two girls hugging. SO. I cannot rest till i discuss this with her. I want to do it in a way that keeps the discussion away from my kids, and it’s more neutral in nature. She and i have never seen things the same way. She’s a great person. But… we’re SO DIFFERENT! it’s always frustrating to talk with her because she doesn’t have the ability to think in more ways than one, and i can see her and understand her approach, but she can’t see mine.

Anyway – i know it won’t be fair to poke at her while she’s a guest at my house too – SO – we’ll have to have more pleasant conversations than negative ones! That’s why i’m trying to neutralize my thoughts. Better than negative. Finding something to be ‘disgusting’ is one of the things that drove a wedge between me and my mom. She was very liberal with her opinions and her ‘that’s disgusting’ one was, by far the strongest and the most divisive. Perhaps i’ll approach it from the angle of ‘mom & me’ instead of ‘her & my kid’s art work’.

Anyway. the Martyr Archtype. it’s the only one i was exposed to. Everyone was a martyr and women were even more martyrs and mothers even more than that, and first borns even more. SO – being firstborn, and female and eventually a mother — each thing was like a nail in my coffin. Oh – add ‘christian missionary’ to it. More nails. ANYTHING i did for myself was instantly labelled as ‘selfish’. And my arrogance was my refusal to allow myself to be fully nailed into the coffin. I made a lot of enemies. I was bitter and angry all the time.

SO – the way the archtype served me was – it allowed me to let go of my anger and let people come closer. And it was important for me to get closer to people – especially my kids. And since every expectation around me was that i should be a martyr, i believed it was the only way to get closer to people.

This is why it’s so important for me to insist – that “I DON’T CARE!” it’s not 100% true. BUT – it gives me the space to examine how much i care. When i say “I CARE” – it’s 100%, so i’m all in. So now, when i am willing to help, it’s because i have counted the cost, I’m willing to pay, and i’m not looking for anything in return – not even gratitude. BUT – everything i do is a test. For example – i will not continue to help someone who is ungrateful. I won’t lend to someone who doesn’t pay back. (they have to be able to keep their word. And even though i give, with the knowledge that it more likely a gift and not a loan, i’m not going to keep on taking a loss). The rules are different for different people – no apologies. I don’t owe anything to anyone. But i will be less stringent with my mother, for example. SO – if she doesn’t pay back, i’ll still give to her. The dynamics here is different – i don’t think she even has the ability to pay back. Our exchange is emotional, not money. So – i don’t expect her to be able to provide the same kind of emotional support to me, as i am capable of providing for her. it’s not an area of her strength, so i will be the giver here.

The difference between now and when i was younger is that i am willingly giving to her now, and in the past, i felt like it was being taken from me, and that i didn’t have a choice in the matter. I think that’s the same in all my relationships now.

The Martyr never felt good, even if i got what i wanted, because it left me feeling like i’d paid too high a price for the reward, and it didn’t add value to ME as a person, it was only the value of what i was capable of giving. SO, i was always left with the question: If i am no longer able to do this, am i of any worth?

And the thing that allowed me to break out of the Martyr zone was actually accepting a lie! i decided – “since i have no value as a person, i’m not going to do anything anymore that causes me stress, because I don’t care enough to do that.” This is my reason for limiting the people i care about to 3.

The first time i started to examine how much i truly cared, i was surprised by how little i truly cared. I started to see how 99% of the time, i’d only imagined i cared, because i wanted something back. People are slightly taken aback now, when i tell them i don’t care. lol 🙂 i guess i don’t come across as an uncaring person. But nobody knows how much guilt i carry for not caring. i refuse to care out of a sense of guilt or shame!

I noticed this guilt sometime last year, when i was motivated to pray for everyone i knew. I started writing down people’s names, and after a certain point i became aware that i was adding names out of guilt. So i went back over my list to review whose names were on there out of guilt – and i traced that guilt right up to my mother – who was in #4 place, right after my top 3. My first list, got slashed down to 3. I decided i’d pray for my mom, when i truly felt love towards her, and not out of guilt. It was a wise decision. My primary prayer list has expanded to include my entire immediate family. That was also when i noticed that i care more about my brother than my sister. My original list, had her and her family place after my mom, because, chronlogically, she comes before my brother. I put her after him.

This might seem insignificant to most people and perhaps small-minded and nit-picky. BUT — it matters to me, because it’s teaching me how to listen to the smallest sounds that my heart makes. And, of course, nobody is going to see my prayer list, but i might talk about it, like i do with you, as an example of how i’m learning to listen to my heart. 🙂 Also – i don’t tell my heart that it’s ‘supposed to’ feel things differently. Love is not chronological! and there’s no reason to love everyone the same, even though that appears to be showing favoritism to one and judgmental towards the other. It’s only your children that you’re not supposed to show favoritism towards. You love them equally, and based on their personality type, one might draw closer to you than the other, but you receive both as your top favorite, at all times, no matter what has passed between you. You may have to forgive one more than the other, but that’s not an excuse for loving one less than the other.

With my kids, i’ve gotten to the place where they can’t even offend me anymore. They’ve just got a free pass all the time. And they don’t take advantage of it! i’m just So proud of my kids! My heart is capable of extending this free pass to my nephews and nieces too, but it bypasses my brother and sister to some degree! lol 😀 it’s fun to listen to my heart and hear what it’s saying. i value children more than adults.

~~ vino

[Author]

Posts