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Hi Kanya!
It’s really cool that you can see that i’m avoiding the painful feelings! Yes, I AM avoiding them, and I am also distracting myself, so I don’t have to feel them. I’ve been online more, chatting more, reading more, and I can feel myself, deliberately ignoring the heaviness. I wasn’t able to shed a single tear during our goodbyes at work. All the other women did. I couldn’t even feel a wetness in my eyes, much less actual tears falling! I WANTED To! But, I had already gone numb, and I don’t even know when that happened! I tried, to feel it in the shower on Friday night, just let the water run over me and put my hands on my heart and tried to feel the pain. I can usually cry in the shower because the water helps. But, it didn’t work this time.
When my dad died, I couldn’t cry for a while, because I didn’t believe it was true. i was away from home, and it was one of my aunts who told me. I was convinced she was lying to me. Then, there was a phone call, i talked to mom, and i don’t know who else… but still… nothing. Then finally, on the same phone call, it was someone i trusted at the time, i don’t even remember if it was a man or a woman… it wasn’t till they spoke to me, that it sank in that it was true. But the pain i felt was silent. The tears i cried were silent. They just flowed effortlessly, without changing my breath, without any sound, and they came very fast. They didn’t stop for a long long time. They kept flowing all night till i fell sleep. The next morning, when i was washing my face and brushing my teeth, they flowed again. i felt nothing while the tears flowed.
I’ve also run out of things to talk to JB about. A week ago, he said he’d give me his address so i could visit him (but he never did). Then, some days after that, he said he was working on all the paperwork. I just respond to him when he writes. I’m losing interest in him.
yes, it was the Indian Maiden who was chatting with the man from the liquidation company. He said he sensed an evil side to me and that’s totally the Indian Maiden – I’ve had to curb her sarcasm because she’s made people cry with her sharp tongue, especially in nursing school. I would definitely have interacted with him differently if i had seen him as a potential mate. it’s weird how my mind ‘scans’ a man instantly to see if he’s a potential mate or not! Normally, i wouldn’t have scanned him because he wasn’t white. But, we were having such a fun time talking, so i wondered, if he were white, would i be interested? And he still failed. I just realized that i learned a lot about his personal life too, in the midst of our silly conversations. I found out he that the ‘love of his life’ left him because his job required him to travel a lot and she couldn’t take it, he teared up whenever he mentioned her. He showed me pictures of his two cats. And the new Harley that he’s purchased and still getting his license so he can actually ride it. He has a house in Florida. He has an ex in Minnesota. He has a son and a step son, who are about as old as my kids or slightly older. And he loves to cook. lol 🙂
The things he failed in – he enjoyed his own jokes too much and repeated them several times. And he has something against people who say “Merry Christmas”. He spoke of them mockingly. i can’t stand mocking of any kind.
The kind of man that i see as a potential mate – gosh – the only example i have is my favorite AGM who is married to a very pretty lady and has an adorable 4 yr old! Everybody loved him. But, they were also aware of his shortcomings. For whatever reason, i couldn’t see his shortcomings. When he first started working at the store, he passed through my scanner early on, in spite of the fact that his voice is nothing like Josh Turner’s! The more i got to know him, the more i was drawn to him. I was devastated when i learned he was married. Till the very end, he never talked to me of his family. One of the other ladies, mentioned in passing how she feels like she knows his whole family intimately from all his stories. Whenever he stood close to me, when we were working on something or punching in at the time clock or whatever else… i loved the feel of his presence. It warmed me up and softened me. There was also a difference in how i looked at him – i felt like my look was softer and like there were no doors or walls or barriers of any kind between us. It was just free and open. I was also pleased to feel deep in my heart, that there wasn’t the slightest desire in me to disrespect his relationship, his wife, and his son. So, i wasn’t ashamed of my love for him. I loved hearing him saying my name. and i loved saying his. There was a great deal of difference in our silly exchanges, than the one with the liquidation man. There was a softness in me, that i rarely sense. There was no desire to be witty. Or to win the verbal sparring. I just enjoyed the connecting. He always made fun of me for being short. I made fun of him for running on Red Bull. I felt like my connection with him was from the inside out, whereas my connection with most others, is from the outside first, if that makes any sense. I could feel my femininity when i worked with him, even when we were moving freight! i couldn’t figure that one out! Neither of us felt the need to share any personal details. All that, feels strangely ‘external’ and irrelevant. And – he couldn’t offend me. That one time, when he was telling a brand new employee that i was very obedient and did everything i was told, instead of all the other awesome things he could’ve said about me… it was only on a mental level that i wondered how any other woman would feel about being introduced with those words. I didn’t feel a single negative pang of any sort. in fact, i felt like he had paid me the highest compliment!
He’s got a sentimental side to him too. He posted this poem on the bulletin board on the last day of work: https://www.nannet.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Reason-season-lifetime.pdf He highlighted the last two stanzas and wrote a short note at the bottom: “Everyone has given me an unbelievable amount of joy and laughter. Thank you.” I brought the paper with me yesterday, so it wouldn’t get thrown in the trash.
I’m going to really miss his presence in my life!
~ v
Hi Heidi!
I’ve had a second person, a man this time, tell me that I would make a good comedian. lol 🙂
so… Friday turned out to be totally different than I planned. I got a call from work around 11am, saying the store was closing at 2pm and I wouldn’t have to come in to work! Of course, I went! Not at 5, like I was scheduled to, but at 1pm, so I could close the store with the whoever was left there. I ended up helping with a few things here and there, said my last goodbyes, and locked the door. At one point, when there were about a half dozen of us in the breakroom, I realized something – and I shared it with the rest of the ladies – and they thought it was a good way of looking at things. What I had seen was – that we, as a team, had brought a project to a successful end. Normally, we all work in our own sections and although we know each other, our work doesn’t overlap. But having to close the store, threw us together in a way that nothing else could’ve. Suddenly, we all had one goal. And the energy that we poured into pulling together and in synch with each other, was phenomenal! Some weeks before we closed, our manager had visited another store and he came back and told us how there were stores that hadn’t been able to keep up with the unreasonable and ridiculous shipments we’d all been dumped with. Our stock room, was always ready for the next delivery, regardless of how large, because of how fast we rearranged the store and made space for each shipment. I could feel the speed in us. It was our final challenge together and we finished well! And interestingly, we are all ready to move on. Many of us, are looking at new paths to forge! It’s exciting to see where all we’re going to go to! Some of us, already have jobs to go to, better paying ones. Some of us, don’t, but we’re not worried about it. And that has made me so happy!
So, today, I was going to walk my legs off. But after I dropped off the check for my rent, I went to the store. There was one last job left – packing up the electronics. I wasn’t asked to come in. I just went to hang out with those who were scheduled. Of course, I couldn’t stand still and not get involved. So, I ended up working and although I wasn’t going to punch in, our two AGM’s said, I should get paid since I worked. We had lunch together at the nearby Chili’s. And went back to the store to play. My favorite 4 yr old was there – he and his mom joined us for lunch and came back to the store with us. So I got to play with him again. I also got to talk to his pretty mom, and I learned all about my favorite AGM’s problems from her point of view. And I wondered, how does one love a man as frustrating as him?? She told me why he’d gotten so sick over Christmas. It wasn’t just because he worked so hard. It’s because he has an immunity problem. But most frustrating of all – she loves to cook and she makes healthy stuff for him to eat, and HE WON’T EAT!!!! I’m glad, that in the card I wrote him, I told him to keep himself alive for his beautiful little son, because that boy, needs a father, and a good man is hard to come by. I can’t believe I did it, but I actually asked his wife for her phone number! lol 🙂
And the man who told me I should be a comedian – he was from the liquidation company as well – a lot more fun than the other guy we worked with. He has this uncanny ability to read people, and within minutes, he’d figured out a lot of my personality. First, he said I must’ve been the class clown. Then, he said, ‘No – you weren’t the class clown – you were the comedian who got the class clown to carry out your ideas and cause chaos!” lol 🙂 I had to think about it for a while and realized he was right. I was far too intelligent to actually cause the trouble myself, but I did come up with some funny ideas, which if implemented thoughtlessly could cause trouble, and that actually did happen a few times… lol 🙂 I watched myself as I interacted with him… I was friendly, I was easy to talk to, I was relaxed, he had fun and I had fun, we touched on random topics, many of which we agreed on, and I even found a reason why i’d never want to date him. It was great! We could have a lot of fun working together but nothing more! It doesn’t take long to get to know a person in person, does it? My AGM on the other hand, there’s nothing about him that is undateable – but who can live with a man who is letting himself die?! I feel for his wife. She loves him and she can’t save him. He’s totally worth loving and he won’t save himself!
There was also another thing that happened on Friday, that has added to the general pain. A family friend died. He was in his early 30s. He was in a car accident less than a week back and his skull was badly injured. He was an amazing young man, so full of life and love and laughter and fun. His father… who was the exact opposite – whose presence people felt powerfully because of his soft voice, quiet ways and gentle actions (the neighborhood they lived in, he was nicknamed “The White Angel” lol 🙂 ) – anyway 25 years ago, he had died in an airplane that crashed after being hijacked. Everyone who knew them, are reliving both loses simultaneously now. I have no idea, how his mother and two sisters are doing. I can’t imagine their pain!
As for choosing to be with my daughter over my plans for myself, i’d do it again if I had to. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d do it more if I could! When I had a room with a door, I always left my door open, because I didn’t want the kids to stare at a closed door when they needed me for something, no matter the time of day or night. You never know, when your last moments are together! And even if she wasn’t going to be in TX this weekend, my morning walk, isn’t more important than she is. As the kids have gotten older, they have recognized, on their own, my need for my own space and time. They do not call me unless they absolutely need me. And they’re always excited when I go out with my own friends and leave them to fend for themselves. And since they were raised by the child in me, the fights we’ve had were childish and always logical – so I can yell at them and say: “Do you think it’s fair for you to expect me to clean up YOUR mess?” and they completely understood. they do their own laundry, they take care of their own things, and all is good. lol 🙂 ok, so we live in house that looks like there’s no adult to keep order… but… at least we all feel equally responsible for it! lol 🙂
You asked me why I respected & trusted JB without even seeing him… It’s because of his job and his faith, and the respect that I have in general, for others of his job and faith (that was the starting place). He’s good at what he does and he’s respected in his community – just like me. His private life could be a total disaster, but so is mine. In giving him a chance to prove himself in his personal life, I guess I was just giving him what I would give myself. If I fail, I learn some, and make changes. If he fails, I don’t have to live with him.
And, I DO value my heart. More than I used to. I’m getting better at creating boundaries that reflect that value. I am not as good as I could be though! It’s a bit murky when it comes to men. My usual walls don’t keep them out. And that’s not just with JB, it’s all men in general, unless they’re Trigger men. There ARE things about JB that i’m not completely sure about, so, honestly i’m just holding out for that one meeting with him, just to figure out if I want him in my life or not. Perhaps I’ve waited for too long. I don’t know. I do know, that I’ve learned to respect myself more in this time that I’ve waited for him. I even found my Indian Maiden! And she’s good at protecting my heart! Perhaps I should just leave her to meet men for me! lol 🙂 I should just become HER primarily and forget about the child or any others! That’ll save a lot of time and be less confusing! After all, she DOES let the child play! And it’s important to play, because I might be meeting up with a 4yr old more often than I thought, and he’s chock full of energy and I couldn’t keep up with him on the aisles today! ( I thought it was funny, when the other adults complained to me, that he was expecting ALL of them to run around with him because I had…lol 😀 )
yes, the LimboLand is a very uncomfortable place to be. I honestly have NO idea how to deal with the feelings and emotions inside of me! Last night, I thought I should surely cry at some point, but no tears came. There was just a feeling of great heaviness on my heart.
~ vino
Good morning Heidi!
I love it when you give me a different perspectives! And, thank you, for listing all the reasons why you respect me. I can see and accept all that as true of me. AND I respect all those things about me, which is probably why i’m not completely lacking in self-respect. If I had none, I wouldn’t receive respect at work. I believe, the respect that I experience from co-workers, is actually a reflection of my own self-respect – at least to some degree.
Why do I think I have to earn my own respect? Because I see my potential, as so many others have, and I don’t know what’s holding me back! I make plans for myself – today, wanted to wake up early and walk for an hour because I was just so depressed last night, and I needed to just move and not think. But, I stayed up late having deep philosophical discussions with my daughter, and I lost my early hour and now I have to deal with other things. Why do I, so easily set aside my own desires for myself, to accommodate those of others? Isn’t that a lack of self-respect? When a task is assigned to me at work, even if it’s something as simple as sorting through the fixtures and putting similar ones together, I focus with such an intensity and get it done (or delegate to anyone who is bored), and I enjoy every moment of it. But I can’t set myself a task and follow through! Why??!! That’s what I as trying to get to the bottom of, and getting at it from the angle of self-respect, created an increase in motivation to actually follow through with my own plans. I had a set back this morning, but i have tomorrow morning, and every morning after that, to walk and walk and walk till i empty myself of all of the things i’m feeling.
Today is our last day at work. The lack of physical labor is distressing. I am not physically exhausted when i get home from talking all day and i don’t like that feeling. But, we DO Need to talk… we’ll never all be together in one place again. We DO Need to tell each other that we’re going to miss each other. At the same time, it only takes two seconds to say: “I’m really going to miss you.” And then what?! So, we just goofed off the rest of the time. There was food and drinks and nothing important that needed our attention. There were times during my shift yesterday, that i just walked away from my coworkers because i needed to be alone and figure out what i was thinking and feeling. I was numb. I was shut down on some level. My head wasn’t clear, and i needed something physical to clear it. That’s why i came up with the idea of walking till i couldn’t take another step.
But, my daughter is leaving for TX this evening. I want to have a meal cooked before she gets back from school. And after we eat, her dad will pick her up to take her to the airport and i will leave for work. I have to continue being numb today, so i can get a few things done.
And yes, i DO have a LOT of responses to everything else you brought up! lol 🙂
I totally knew why you sent me that trailer, because i immediately recognized the similarities between my blind connection with JB. 😉 we’re not getting engaged before meeting though! There’s too many questions i need answers for. Answers that i can only get in person. I mean, i can’t tell how i’ll “FEEL” in his presence unless i’m in his presence! And there are people that i feel more connected to than others, for absolutely no reason at all. So, that’s very important.
Anyway – more later! 🙂
(is that a threat or a promise?! lol 🙂 )
~ vino
Hi Kanya!
so, today, we had food and drinks at the store and we partied all day, because there were hardly any customers and only a little bit of cleanup to do in the back. And we had an unexpected visit from the District manager of the craft store that’s moving into our space. He collected the names of all the employees interested in working with them, and I was SO Tempted to put my name down, as I could stay with at least some of the team… but… I PASSED! I just couldn’t do it! I am not ready to think about what to do next, so a temporary job is the best for me. I think i’ll try out the census thing – since it’s just once very 10 years, and it should be a very interesting experience!
Anyway… how does it feel for me to consider making friends with other men? I do converse with other men if opportunities arise. I’ve made friends with the pizza man, the man cleaning man, and the liquidating man, since I’ve met JB. I mean, we have friendly chats. Not such deep friendships that you’re going to keep in touch with them! My thoughts on JB – since I did experience some turbulence in my communications with him – i’m not 100% sure about anything relating to him. But – not everybody communicates in writing the same way. So, I have to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. AND, although i’m aware of the red flags… i’m also aware of the green flags. And if there is a 1% chance that he is exactly as he has communicated himself to be on the solid, connective messages – then, he is a man worth waiting for. A man worth waiting for, deserves my full loyalty, because I would never recover from a half-assed loyalty, either in his eyes, or even my own. I’d rather err on the side of trusting him completely and finding i’m wrong, than not trusting him and finding out he deserved to be trusted completely. Does that make sense?
I mean – what do I have to lose in trusting him fully? time? I have time. is it costing me in self respect? self worth? not sure yet, but nothing I can’t recover from. What’s the worst that could happen? Physical, mental or emotional abuse? not likely. Disappointment? – more likely. But pain isn’t something I can’t recover from either. What’s to lose if I entertain thoughts of other men, and keep myself open to other men before I settle things with JB? I find out that JB is a true gem and I feel like a piece of crap for not waiting for him! I would loss my own self-respect!!! This is a lose I wouldn’t be able to recover from.
I’ve been thinking a lot about self-respect and what it means to me, as opposed to self-love. My journey to self-acceptance started with self-love, because I needed to be as kind and compassionate towards myself as I was towards others. But self-respect is something I have never thought about before, and it came up in an article I was reading two days ago. It was interesting, because self-respect was also presented as a way of taking care of yourself. Self-love is also taking care of yourself. But there’s a subtle difference in the things i’d do out of self-respect vs. self-love. Self-respect causes me to want to create a consistency between my public and my private life, not for the sake of others, but for myself! Because I am my own greatest critic, and if I can earn my own respect, then I am truly respectable. And since I know my own hidden weaknesses, i’d be the hardest one to convince of my respectability. However, instead of feeling discouraged, I actually started getting excited about this whole I idea of trying to gain my own respect! What would I have to do, to be respectable in my own eyes??!!!
Being loyal to JB, whether he deserves it or not, is one of those things.
~ vino
Hi Kanya!
Yes, i’m not stressed about a job. There’s lots of temporary stuff and little things I can do on my way to find the one that truly fits me. Ideally, i’d like to do something online – like proofreading – so I can travel as much as I want to. But it takes a bit of time to build up an online business you can rely on, so i’ll be doing little things on the side to keep things afloat. I do have alimony for a few more years, and that’ll help as well.
JB & I haven’t set a date yet. I’ll be done with my store by Friday, maybe even tomorrow! And that will free me up mentally and also timewise, so it’ll be easier to plan a date after that. I haven’t been interacting with any other men for a awhile now. I did, at first, and it got too stressful, because JB was always at the back of my mind and I had this feeling that i’m ‘taken’, so all other men got automatically friend zoned! I don’t know if JB did that to me, or if I did it to myself! lol 🙂
Vino
Sexiest male voice – Josh Turner – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFz61X2PQTw – my favoritest romantic song of all times!
But – it’s just not fair with him because he’s got the looks too! AND, the character on top of it! I found out that he doesn’t make music videos in which he’s partnered with other women. The ones in which he Does get cozy with a woman, it’s his wife! he didn’t want his children to get confused when they watched his videos! how delightful and perfect is that??!!!
OMG! That trailer – scarier than the most terrifying horror movies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never do that! only hearing someone’s voice? I have fallen in love with SO many voices and I absolutely KNOW that I don’t always feel attracted to the rest of the person even if their voice is to die for! Also… knowing the hangups I have about race, makes it scarier. For instance, nobody can tell, from talking to me, that I am Indian, with average looks. I have a great voice, and I sound American (generic – not southern or NY or other specific areas – I honestly don’t know where my accent fits in the US, but it’s definitely American. lol 🙂 ). My kids heard me on an official phone call one day and said to me: “Mom you sounded like your name should be Jennifer.” lol 🙂 I’ve had patients relax, just from hearing my voice. A woman I met on a train ride told me I had the most relaxing and calming voice. I can talk about anything with anyone and I can dive deep or stay light. I know there are men who can do that too! Including Indians and Ethiopians! Those guys are usually the ones I make friends with. My gaming friends on FB, who saw a wild side of me, were surprised when they heard my voice because it wasn’t loud and brash. The other lady, who I got into crazy wild conversations with, her voice DID match the kind of conversations we had. lol 🙂 I signed up for voice over lessons, because some random stranger I spoke to on the phone said I had an amazing voice and could make money from it. lol 🙂 So – yeah, this would be a total nightmare. but I might watch one to see how it destroys me. lol 🙂
Speaking of voices – my favorite manager has a voice that isn’t on my list of ‘sexy male voices’. But… he’s grown on me. lol 🙂 So, although I haven’t heard JB’s voice yet… i’m ok with it. I heard from him yesterday. He’s inundated with work now. 🙁 Made me think of my manger who overworked himself and got sick over Christmas. I completely admired his focus and his ability to work so hard. So, I should be admiring JB for his dedication and for not having a life for himself! And this is how I learn to see things from both sides… lol 🙂 I got upset at him for not responding to a message i’d sent him that I felt i’d been very vulnerable in. He responded with ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’ – and I said, of course you didn’t do anything wrong! I got upset anyway! and I told him why I was upset and then I got double upset because I knew I had no reason to be upset and I was still upset even after he did write back, which is why I blurted out that I was upset…! His response, although short, was very kind and I re-read it a hundred times, trying to figure out why I found it comforting. I couldn’t figure it out. So, I figured, it was kind, that’s all. Or maybe it’s just the fact that he bothered to respond to an emotional message at all! lol 🙂 If the kids could see how my emotions are a mess when it comes to a man, they would rethink their statement that I have my shit together. lol 🙂
I don’t know where i’m going to work yet! I was going to ask JB if they’re hiring in his department, just for the fun of it. lol 🙂 I actually HAVE considered doing massages on the side! i’ll have to refresh my license and catch up on my continuing ed stuff. I don’t have any definite ideas yet. One of my senior co-workers got word yesterday that she got the assistant manager position she’d applied for at another store – and i’m SO happy for her! The pay is better, and she’ll be in charge of merchandise, including ordering and deciding how to display it… and with our crash course in organizing and displaying items the way we saw fit during the last few months… she’s got fresh new experience that will make her totally awesome at her new job!
You know, you’re probably right about my dad. I’ve done that on occasion – seen right through their bs and decided to help anyway. But i’m not consistently generous like dad was. lol 🙂 I suppose the test of a truly generous person, is the ability to be generous towards one who doesn’t deserve it!
vino
Goodmorning Heidi!
I had to re-read what I wrote to see what was so much fun about it. lol 🙂 Last night was fun too. One of the college kids, said out of the blue: “Vino, you are awesome!” and so I quizzed her – asked her what she thought was so awesome and she fumbled around a bit to find the right words. And a two other girls joined her, and helped her out. Seems I ‘have my shit together’ and I’m ‘levelheaded’ and I’m the ‘G’??!! and then she settle back with ‘awesome’. Earlier, one of my supervisors said something similar as well. She said, the next job I get I should be in charge of stuff.
In going back and re-reading what I wrote earlier – I think I found the key. I said that my Wild Child doesn’t submit to anyone who doesn’t value her, her feelings, her thoughts and her ideas’. I think that’s the same of everyone’s Wild Child! Our oldest employees are the hardest to get along with. They’ve been through more than the younger ones can even imagine, and they’re still having to work hard to make ends meet. The younger ones don’t have half the responsibilities, they just need to work. And yet, everyone gets paid the same. I totally understand the crankiness of the older women. They clash a lot with the younger ones. I get along with both. I’ve gained the trust and respect of both. Gender isn’t an issue either, as I can see both sides of that too. Then there’s the new girl – who didn’t think twice about smoking her weed in the break room. She got sent home to change after customers complained about her. Everyone with a good nose, can’t stand close to her. I’m thankful for my insensitive olfactory nerves. She was desperate to keep in touch with me. It was her last shift last night, she wanted my number but her phone died. So she left her number in the break room, and she doesn’t know if i’m going to contact her or not. Maybe she knows I will. lol 🙂
I completely enjoyed creating order out of the chaos of the last few weeks. A chaos which has been increasing. Like that computer game where things fall from the sky and you’re supposed to shoot them before they hit the ground. My favorite manager said it’s called Space invaders. He thought it was amusing that I was playing a game. lol 🙂 It’s a good way to refocus though. One of the college boys was getting frustrated and when I told him of my game – his face lit up. We created ‘bonus point’ scenarios and levelling up requirements. lol 🙂 To be honest, I don’t know where to unleash my potential properly. lol 🙂
I may be able to go back to massage therapy at some point, because I totally enjoyed it! However, right now, I don’t have the patience to take care of someone else’s needs. Plus, working at a spa was a financial loss. We didn’t get paid enough, and not all clients left a tip. I don’t like the idea of relying on a tip to make a job worthwhile. The most interesting thing I learned as a massage therapist was, that the quality of my massage actually increased when I was feeling emotionally beat up! I was a lot more sensitive, and that helped me connect with what a body needed, in a much better way!
I agree with what you said about giving. It does feel good. And when you ask for help, it creates an opportunity for someone else to feel that good feeling. My parents were both givers, and my mom even said that her father used to say that you should always stretch out your hands to give, not to take. But, she and her siblings never had any problems asking for help when they needed it. And, they were always generous with what they had. Sometimes, to a fault! My dad was ridiculously generous too. He gave away a pair of pants once, to a guy with a sob story, and mom was furious, because it was a new pair of pants, which was for using when his current two pants wore out. But my dad couldn’t give away an old one. lol 😀 So, my mom took to getting an extra pair of pants, and hiding it from him, because she knew she couldn’t keep him from giving stuff away. I wouldn’t have given my pants to that guy. I believe my dad was taken advantage of for his generosity. Dad wasn’t rich. But he had an amazing heart. It should’ve been enough for that man to take dad’s time! And I felt the same way about the stranger from the other day. He was a freeloader like that guy who took my dad’s pants. You know how, there’s people who aren’t rich, but you spend a few minutes with them, and they are capable of resetting your entire heart and mind so you can refocus and re-energize?
There was a video of this guy from Kenya, who helped solve a water problem in the place where he grew up. He grew up in the slums, and there were gangsters in the area, who liked to control the water supply and create other problems in the neighborhood. He went away for school and decided to come back and help his people. He said he asked THEM for ideas to solve their problems, because – they knew best what would work! His exact words: “The one who wears the shoes, knows where it bites”. I completely respected and admired him for that! The way he solved the gangster issue – he hired the their wives, sisters and mothers to work at the water stations! lol 😀 To keep the water supply clean – he went with the idea from the neighborhood – put the water pipes up, over the roofs, instead of on the ground!
Anyway, the way I see it, a person’s time and listening ears are priceless. If they want to do anything more than that, it’s entirely upto them. All I know is, it did NOT feel good to give that man a dollar. So, something was off. And I wasn’t feeling ungenerous. I DID listen to him ramble on and on, and actually tried to make sense of his ‘poem’. I had already given him all I had to give, at the moment. And it was worth more than the dollar.
Well… it’s a beautiful day today, and I have to make someone smile! 🙂
hope you have a good week ahead, Heidi!
~ vino
Hi Heidi!
So many things going through me right now! I worked a few double shifts, because I was scheduled for the evening and they needed extra help in the morning, so I said, sure, why not? It’s the last few days we have together. On the 20th, it was our manager’s last day. I didn’t know how much of a high I could get from mutual respect – and with him, that was the basis for our relationship, as opposed to friendliness or likemindedness and other such ways of connecting. He was always slightly intimidating, and although I was never afraid of talking to him, our conversations were minimal and super focused on the work at hand… till the store closing.
Anyway – we’re all so extremely exhausted and I believe we’re running on adrenaline and we’ll drop when the store closes and we won’t wake up for days! It hurts now, whenever I look at my favorite manager. I keep thinking – I won’t see him again, I won’t hear him again, I won’t get to work on projects with him again. So, I savor every moment we’re doing something together. Or solving a problem together. or even just getting annoyed at another unreasonable customer. The regular customers are all gone because most of our usual merchandise is gone. It’s just the scavengers that are in the store now, and … they’re … interesting. lol 🙂 but they sure do try our patience a lot! I have developed an intimidating side to me though, in an effort to protect my teammates. Whenever I get paged to the front to solve a customer related problem, I solve it. It used to be that the customers would ask to speak to the manager, if they weren’t happy with my response. I don’t give them responses anymore. I just make decisions. I tell them their options and tell them to choose. If i’m not 100% sure about something, I pretend I am! And nobody has been asking to speak to a manager after I’ve handled their problems. lol 🙂 I should be careful or this feeling of power is going to get to my head! lol 🙂
And I seem to have lost a bit of my politeness as well! The guy who works for the liquidators and who annoys us on behalf of his bosses, stopped by to talk to me and happened to mention that our store was closing first. I asked him when the other stores were closing and he said sometime in March, at least 2 wks after we close! I could’ve had two extra weeks with my friends! And I blurted out: “That’s not fair!” he may have thought it had to do with a job. Doesn’t matter what he thought. He looked apologetic. It’s not something that he’s in charge of. So it wasn’t fair of me to say that to him. But sometimes you just gotta say what you’re feeling! Like the night my favorite manager got tired of the customers – I’ve never seen him angry AT ALL! so it was quite a big surprise, when he suddenly made an unexpected announcement: “Attention customers, if you drop merchandise on the floor, please pick it up, and put it back on the shelf!” customers probably didn’t hear him. But we did, and it made us feel good. 🙂
Your thoughts about making borrowed femininity my own, are all very sensible. I’ve also been thinking about my caution in letting the Indian Maiden take over. I forgot one thing – the wild child doesn’t submit to anyone who doesn’t value her, her feelings, her thoughts and her ideas. I think the Indian maiden knows how to be as trusting and as friendly as the wild child does! I’m going to go with that, when I meet JB. He’s back from AZ and he had a very good, relaxing trip and he sounds happier than he has in a long while. I’ll be free to meet anytime, so, in two weeks, we will have a date!
AND – I had one of those exciting moments when a deep thought got triggered by something completely unrelated!!! My sister-in-law (ex’s brother’s wife) – posted a video from their skiing trip, with the caption: “Had the whole mountain to ourselves.” And as I watched the 60 seconds of empty mountainside, I imagined myself in the same situation – just me and my family – alone in the world. And I could sense the utter lack of peace. AS a child, whenever we went on vacations, I always felt detached from the family. Even with additional relatives, I could never focus on just the family members. That lack of peace, continued with the ex. The more I thought about it – the more I realized – that person that I want to spend my life with – if I am not at peace when he and I are the only ones on the mountainside – i’m not meant to be with him! I have to be able to enjoy his company and be content with it 100%! Now I can test JB’s presence more accurately!!
people who ask for money…? Hmm… I guess I see them as not trying hard enough to solve their own problems and therefore, as weak. Also, a total stranger – I don’t know anything about the kind of person they are. For instance, there was a boy who worked at the store, and he was generous to a fault. One day, he got himself some pizza and on his way back, ran into the homeless man in the shopping complex. He tore his slice in half and gave the man half. This man – nobody trusts him, because he looks like he shoplifts. And once, he did. On my watch!!! BUT – I continued to be kind to him, because of the boy. He was the only one who spoke to the man, took time to listen to his story and saw him as a normal human being. So… I just took my cues from the boy. I bought him sandwiches when he ran out of money. I carried extra dollar bills with me in case he needed to borrow some. He’s one of those rare people, that you meet and feel like you’ve known for eternity. He was just simply ‘my boy’, right from the start. He never asked for anything, but I would’ve given him anything he needed. But – I knew him! if he’d been a stranger, and he’d asked me for money – I wouldn’t have been happy about giving him anything either! I would’ve felt like he was using his good looks to take advantage of generous people! lol 🙂
Well.. another double shift tomorrow. Getting my fill of my people.
OH! I came across a thing I had written some 7 or so years back, when I was working as a massage therapist. It was about my coworkers and about how awesome they are, and how they make my day so much better even if we barely have time to speak to each other, and how just sharing a space with them makes my life better. I had also written, that if we were to ever start a business together, we would be a phenomenal team! and I was just stunned into silence that I had had the exact same experiences and the same thoughts, with a totally different group of people, in a totally different kind of business! the only common denominator in both cases is ME!!! omg! I can work anywhere, with anyone! doing anything!! I’m still processing what I wrote… it sounded too much like how i’m feeling about my current team! lol 🙂
hope you’re having a good weekend!!
~ vino
The part of my Indian Maiden I don’t like is her suspicious nature. She doesn’t trust anyone. Unless she is in full control – like with the patients at the hospital – they were fully at her mercy and she was kind and compassionate towards them. I’d like to be able to show the same degree of kindness and compassion to EVERYONE, even if they’re not weaker than me! AND, I have found trust to be very important in establishing a stronger relationship. Of course, trust opens you up to potential pain, but… so what? An authentic connection is worth the pain to me.
About uniqueness – that’s just to make sure it’s truly mine and not someone else’s that I thought was cool and so I made it mine. Like having children. When I was in nursing school, I made friends with a family and they had 4 kids when I met them. They have 8 or 9 kids now. I absolutely LOVED them and their kids and the way they were raising their kids. For instance, they thought it was important for the kids to always have each other’s backs so, they deliberately taught their kids that they were supposed to be each other’s best friends. In my family and in our extended families, sibling relationships weren’t guided in anyway. It was a new thing to me that relationships could be guided. And i thought it was absolutely cool. Anyway, I know that my own desire to get married and have a lot of kids was heavily influenced by their ideas. They showed me that there was a different way to do things. And that excited me, because it gave me a path that was different from my mom’s plus a chance to prove that I could be better than her! All of these were wrong reasons for getting married and having children! If I had worked at being true to my own heart instead, I would’ve discovered that I didn’t want kids! And I wouldn’t have married a man that I couldn’t have fun with, because I LOVE having FUN! And he was never pure fun!
That’s why – I need to make sure that i’m not chasing the femininity thing just because it has suddenly become something cool to me. I want to remain close to my heart and keep doing what i’m 100% sure of and comfortable with, while staying open to changes that might not feel comfortable at first… like dressing Indian!
Thank you for the SUD scale! I totally understand the .5 distress thing! that usually happens when I am being polite to someone and I don’t want to! lol 🙂 I ran into a random person on the street as I left the store today, and I was happy, so I smiled at him, and he took the opening and chatted with me and shared his sob story in a poem and asked for a donation. I wanted to say a few unkind things but I gave him a dollar and told him I was going to lose my job in a few days, hoping that would keep him from going up to people and asking for money just because they’re happy. I don’t like people who ask for money. Not random strangers like that. I have offered to help my friends many times. Because I know they really have a need and also, that they won’t take advantage of my generosity. Anyway. He was like a fly in my ointment. I don’t think that had anything to do with what you were saying! lol 🙂
On the other hand, there was a lady in the store who was looking for some art stuff which we were out of and she refused to take no for an answer! She kept saying: Are you sure there’s none in the back? Half the shelves are bare, why would we be keeping stuff in the back? She was speaking to a supervisor and the manager and she still wasn’t satisfied. Now that – I found to be hilarious and when she walked away, I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. I think we should tell our customers, that we DO have exactly what they’re looking for, but they have to find it themselves, either in our store or in another. lol 😀
TX – is too far to drive to for a weekend! lol 🙂 We’re in NY. But, I can’t wait to be detached from a stationary job… I really need to drive through the whole country again! Best country in the world to drive in! And every state is so different from the next!
~ vino
PS – I like the connection you made to reactions being related to a lie! That’s makes it so much easier to identify a reaction!
Hi Heidi!
I hadn’t thought of connecting with my Indian Maiden every day, but I like that idea! I’m not sure how much I want her to take over though, because she wants to dump JB. lol 🙂 We did reach a compromise – I think about how she’d respond to his messages first. JB is taking a break from life and visiting family in AZ. He said he’d send me some pix when he got back. I responded with Indian Maiden – “I don’t want to see anymore of your pix. I want to meet you!” Interestingly enough, he didn’t stop writing to me yet. lol 😀 And since i’m going to be jobless in 10 days, there’s only his schedule to work with! I’m going to have to introduce him to Indian Maiden. He’ll either love her or be terrified of her and flee. She has an intimidating quality to her….
omg – she was active in nursing school! there wasn’t a single patient who didn’t love her. But everyone who wasn’t a patient, didn’t know what to make of her, because she wasn’t intimidated by authority or anyone or anything. Omg! there was this time, when I was working at the men’s surgical unit – one of the junior boys who was in the BSN program, was being disrespectful and getting away with it, because he came from a rich family that bullied everyone around them and he and his friends did whatever they wanted on campus and in the hospital. Even the senior nurses’ didn’t say anything to him that day, they were just mumbling under their breath. I asked them what the problem was, and they said he’d taken matches from the our lab section, for his cigarette. I asked them why they let him, and they made excuses. He was still within view – so I followed him, called to him, and when he turned around, I took the cigarette away from him and stomped on it. He stared at me in stunned silence while I gave him a lecture about hospital property, plus his smoking near patients. He’s a foot taller than me, btw. lol 🙂 He just apologized and walked away. The women were terrified that he’d get the other boys and do something to me when no one else was around (not that he needed them, he could’ve beaten me up without any help).
I was one of two who ended up being friends with that boy and his ‘gang’. Much later, they told me they were terrified of me, because I wasn’t afraid of them. and they loved how i’d taken the cigarette away from their buddy. lol 🙂 The other girl who wasn’t afraid of them – was my best friend 🙂 She also didn’t think twice about scolding boys taller than herself, and made one of them cry. Although, he was a soft hearted boy and he really liked us, and the reason he cried, was because he’d disappointed her. We made friends with two different kinds of boys! Bullies and not bullies! I think my Indian Maiden is a picture of my friend! She was always SO feminine! And fearless! And she rocked the saree!
I remembered something else yesterday – there was a period of time when I stopped laughing. I think I was about 11 or 12. I noticed how everyone seemed to have their own unique laughter. Except for me – my laughter sounded exactly like my mom’s. So, I watched and observed, to learn about this laughter, and figure out how old people were when they got their own laughter, and I noticed that they were all ages! Which meant, I had lost mine somewhere! And I didn’t want to sound like my mom, so I tried to imitate the laughter of those whom I liked. And it sounded so fake and it was stressful, because if I didn’t pay attention, i’d sound like my mom! So, in order to stop sounding like my mom, I stopped laughing. Until I forgot about it. I don’t remember when I started laughing again. But I do remember, pausing one day, after a heartfelt laughter, and realizing that it DID NOT Sound like mom’s! And I was just SO THRILLED that I had my own laughter! I’ve never passed on an opportunity to laugh since then. lol 🙂
But – it made me think about this femininity that I have lost. I think i’ll find my own unique version of it, just like I found my laughter.
And I totally agree with what you said about Darren not having to forgive his mom. I think he only spoke about it from one angle – which is from his present. I’ll bet he hurt a lot as a child and had to learn to forgive her many times over. He’s just forgotten about that. Going into his new relationships, he won’t get hurt like he did as a child. But, the things he struggled with (and overcame) – were definitely a result of the wounds his mother left him with. I don’t know him at all, so I couldn’t leave that feedback on his video. 🙂
My mother & Me – I see what you mean that the focus isn’t on my relationship with her, but on getting rid of the negative energies in ME. I think, just being aware of the blocks, has put me in a good place, because I can watch for how it affects me. Right now, the way i’m working through it is with testing the authenticity of my feelings. I’m trying to sort out if the things I feel are a reaction, or an honest feeling. If it’s a reaction, it’s coming from a wound that hasn’t healed. Needless to say, I have been having more headaches than usual because all this thinking is hard work. lol 🙂
And about my daughter – she’s going to TX in 10 days! I decided long ago, that I wouldn’t allow my fears to hold my children back, because mom’s fears held us back. I always allowed them to lead with their hearts – and if I thought they were going into an unsafe place, I would do my homework, and figure out how it can be safe enough for ME to have peace of mind. So – they have learned how to swim. They have had sleepovers with their friends. And done whatever they’ve wanted to do. As they got older, I felt like our relationship was strong enough that I could share with them my fears & worries, so they can watch out for their own safety, because, I can’t be with them forever after all, and they need to learn how to be independent in their own worlds. They understand my worries too, and they are willing to text me and keep me in the loop, because we all agree that my fears are sometimes irrational, but they are what they are, and they can be crippling. Interestingly, two weeks ago, when I took the wrong bus and got lost for a while, I texted my daughter and she had a bad day in class, because she was worried about me! And I wasn’t, because I knew i’d figure it out. lol 🙂 But, she totally understands my worries too, because she feels it too! AND she also gets worried when she doesn’t hear from me and when she doesn’t know where I am!
~ vino
Hi Heidi! Beautiful day!
The video by Darren is probably expired by now, it only stays up for 72 hrs. The opening was powerful. He says: The conflict we have with other people is the gap between the way WE want them to be and the way THEY are. The one at fault is the viewer.” When he brings up his mother, he gives the example of trying to teach a 5 yr old calculus – they’re not equipped to understand it, so how can you even get mad at them for not understanding? You can’t forgive a 5yr old for not being able to do calculus because there is nothing to forgive! So, with his mom, he feels she got emotionally and mentally stunted at about 12 yrs old, and she was a very fun person, lighthearted and even naïve, but she couldn’t take the pressures of being a mother and she abandoned him. At this point in his life, he doesn’t feel he has anything to forgive her for, because something happened to her that wounded her, and she did the best she could, and she wasn’t at fault for not being involved in his life.
Anyway, that was the video in a nutshell. It made me think about a boy’s relationship with his mother. I wonder if it’s easier for boys to reconcile with their mothers, because they don’t become mothers when they have babies?! They can create a relationship with her from the outside… like I have with my mom…
And about forgiveness – I agree that i’d be the one most affected, if I don’t forgive, and I also agree that forgiving isn’t forgetting. So, when I remember things my mom did or said, it doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven her. When I remember new things, it does hurt, but I shed a few tears and move on, because, the honest truth is, I am who I am today because of the wounds of the past, and I really like who I am today, and if the only way for me to get here was through those painful paths, then, i’m glad for them. But i’m not going to knowingly put myself in a painful path again. What do I have to gain from that?
I know what you mean by siblings turning out entirely different even though they grew up the same way. That’s why I worked with each of my kids separately, and made sure that neither one of them could hear the things I told the other! They were different, and they needed to learn things in different ways! – Which is related to all of us having a different perspectives. But I can only work through my issues through my perspective, not hers. All I can do is give her the understanding that whatever she did (and still does), is the best she can do and done with a motive of love, not malice.
I know, i’m resilient too, but why would I go back to someone who has already hurt me? I enter new relationships with the mindset of being willing to get hurt, but I am not going to take any kind of abusive hurt! Not from man or woman or mother! Of course, i’m too big for her to abuse me now. Plus she has changed. There are still things that she says with disdain and disgust or some other angle that really bother me sometimes. I brought up one of the things that she was saying that left me with an icky feeling and I told her, when she phrases her thoughts in that way, it makes me feel disgusting, and she couldn’t understand how. I may remember what it was that she said… but it was demeaning even though she didn’t intend for it to be.
Well… I have to get to work. My thoughts are more scattered than I wanted them to be. My daughter wants to go to TX for her friends’ wedding and i’m having trouble letting her go on her own!
~ vino
Heidi! Thanks for everything you said! And yes, it all makes sense and I would love to respond to everything you touched on, but, I absolutely have to share this strange thing that I experienced this morning!
It was after I read what you wrote, I was just lying in bed, and thinking about it all. Then my mind wandered off to JB and I wondered what kind of a relationship I want with him, because it is still not clear in my own head and I made one rule for myself. Just one, because it’s the one that i’m most certain of. My rule for myself is that I will only pursue that which i’m 100% certain of, with my heart, mind and body. And you can throw soul in there too. Basically, I don’t want to invest in anything half-heartedly. I need my whole being to back up everything I do and say. So, in relation to JB there is still confusion, because I’ve been trying to sort out if i’m willing to have a casual relationship with him (or anyone for that matter). I figured, my heart and my body are perfectly fine with such an arrangement, but my mind is not so sure. While I was trying to figure out what my mind needs, in order to join my heart and body… that’s when this image surfaced.
A young woman, dressed in the Indian saree, with the flowy part of it draped over her head. She’s wearing jewelry – gold chains around her neck, and a few gold bangles. She’s got make up on! Her eyes — killer eyes. Her movements are fluid and sure. There is not a drop of fear in her and she is incredibly strong in a very feminine way and she gives off this ‘do-not-mess-with-me’ kind of vibe. She trusts no man. She needs solid proof before she trusts. And it’s not going to be easy to earn her trust.
I sensed my Wild Child inside of me too, at the same time. The Wild Child absolutely adores my Indian Maiden! So, I tried to change how my Indian Maiden was dressed, because I have never felt comfortable in a saree, and I hate jewelry and although I think make up does make the eyes super sexy, I’ve never felt comfortable drawing out any of my features like that. But, I couldn’t change what she was wearing. SHE was most powerful in what she was wearing! Including the makeup and the jewelry! And she doesn’t trust JB any more than she would trust an Indian man!
So, I sat for a while and tried to connect with this unseen part of myself, and I realized I don’t know her! even though she’s me! But I absolutely want her on the outside! She is so beautiful and so sexy! I don’t even own a saree… and now I want have to buy one to see if that will help. But. oh, I love her! I feel schizophrenic talking about all the different parts of me like this… lol 🙂 Oh… she trusts women more than men. And she is a fierce protector of everyone who needs protecting. She doesn’t even need a sword. Her eyes can kill. But, I was just as surprised at the total submission of the Child to her.
Well… I don’t know what triggered that image, but I don’t want to lose it.
I’ll get back to your message in a bit!
Thank you!!~ vino
Heidi, thankyou! I’m starting to get addicted to your responses. lol 🙂
I noticed it too, as I wrote it down – that I forgave the man and not the woman. I can’t trust either one of them with my heart again. However, the more I tried to figure it out, the only thing that I could think of was the Silliness Factor. I was friends with the man in a way that I wasn’t with the woman. The strength of our bond was in the fact that we could just laugh together, no matter what. With the woman, although we enjoyed lighthearted chats, the most valuable part of my relationship with her was the fact that I could share my heart with her. So, there was no way to just enjoy lighthearted chats, when the heart underneath was bleeding. Plus, she knew what she was doing. She deliberately avoided me, when I needed her the most. I know, because she told the ex, that she was avoiding me. I didn’t want to believe that of her. Anyway. the man… I was able to see things from his point of view… and his intentions were good, but his methods were caveman. He was entirely clueless as to how his interference was damaging relationships.
And with mom… as more stories came to mind… I realized that she didn’t always act out of ignorance. When I was 15 or 16, my whole class participated in a fundraising walk. At the end, they were serving drinks and burgers. The lines were extremely long, but we’d had an exhilarating morning together and the lines didn’t matter, because we were all having fun together. My mom found a ride, and took me home, saying the lines were too long, and I could have a burger at home. On the way home, the grown ups tried to cheer me up and I refused to respond, so they started talking about me amongst themselves and they concluded that it wasn’t about the burger, but the fact that I wanted to hang out with my friends. Then they laughed about it, and how silly teenagers are.
As I thought about that, I wondered how many other times, she figured out why I was upset and thought it was funny or insignificant. I also realized, that it’s only when you’re a child, or a teenager, that you can fully enjoy life without responsibilities and obligations and what nots. It’s the only time you are fully free! the best time to enjoy life with reckless abandon, with others who have as much free time as you do! Once your childhood is gone, you have to think about all the adult stuff… how to earn a living, paying bills, keeping things running, taking care of kids 24/7, and if you’re lucky, your kids will leave home and your parents will go to a senior home, if not, you continue taking care of your kids and your aging parents. The time to play is gone forever, once your childhood is over. And I never got to play. it seems to me, the decisions that she made weren’t always made with me in mind. They were made with herself in mind – her peace of mind, her convenience, her happiness, her reputation, etc etc etc – it was all about her or dad. I never mattered. My feelings never mattered. My desires never mattered. My life never mattered. My childhood never mattered. My purpose in existing was so she wouldn’t have to bear the shame of childlessness, and that i’d get older, get married and bless her with grandkids. My purpose was never to enjoy my life, or to play or to have fun, or to have my own dreams. She just wanted me to live her life over again!
How I wish I had been even more rebellious and hadn’t gotten married or had kids! I was never meant to… at least not as early as I did! But I had to get away from her and the only way I knew how was with the help of a man. Well.. I’ve never actually written up her effect on my life as I just did. She destroyed the best years of my life.
I don’t know what a daughter needs a mother for, because, a girl can learn what she needs to learn from anyone, as I have. So, I have no idea what unique gift a mother gives her daughter or son, that no one else can. With my own children, my goal was to protect their childhood, and let them enjoy their life to the fullest. However, they cannot mature beyond me, so in many ways, they too, are very childlike. In fact, last summer, when we visited my family after a 10 year gap, the thing that everyone commented on was how my children are still like children, although they’re in their late teens. They love like children. With an openness and a trust, that is absolutely lovely. They aren’t dumb, by any means, and not even naïve. They are good judges of character. After all, they say that children and dogs, know instinctively, who can be trusted and who can’t. I don’t know if that’s true. I hope it is. lol 🙂
I think, children need their parents to provide a safe and free space for them, where they can explore their world freely and learn about themselves and their world. The parents can show children what it means to be valued and truly loved, so later in life, they’ll automatically steer clear of people who don’t value them and don’t truly love them. It’s not based on gender though, and that’s why i’m having trouble figuring out what a child needs from her mother and her father. She needs it from both of them! And both boys and girls need the same thing! With my kids, I never gendered them… the things I did or didn’t do, wasn’t different for each of them based on their gender. It WAS different based on their temperaments, and the way they understood things!
I did fail my children in some way. After all, I can’t teach them what I don’t know. They aren’t immature. However, they’re not very well equipped to live in this world. The good thing is, they’re still willing to listen to me and learn from me, so I can continue to equip myself better and better and they can still keep learning from me. But, they can learn just as easily from someone else, who is better than I am at navigating this world.
The other way that I have failed them in – is by neutralizing their gender in my mind. In my mind they were neither boy nor girl. I didn’t trust my own mind and ideas to guide the children, so I decided I would get out of their way, and let them experience their lives as they naturally would, with my main role being a protector. So I kept them healthy, and let them do whatever they wanted. About 4 yrs back, they both told me they are transgender. They’re the most level headed transgender kids I’ve heard of. They don’t get upset about being misgendered, or misnamed or anything. Most of the time, I don’t even believe they are transgender, although my son is on hormones already. I don’t want this for them! I think my issues had a lot to do with what they’re going through now.
Thanks for the brilliant ideas on how to figure out what kind of work to do! I am thinking of taking a week off, after the store closes, to distance myself from everything related to the store, so I can recalibrate myself and figure out what I truly want. Right now, with the store still on my mind, I cannot distance myself enough to see what else I might be interested in. Right now, all I want is to get the most out of the last few days together. It’s happy and sad at the same time. Just like when I was bipolar. lol 🙂
And thanks for telling me that my childlikeness is the least of my worries. lol 🙂 I needed to hear that. 🙂
~ vino
Thanks Heidi & Kanya!
This kind of openness is easy for me, because it’s like taking me apart and exploring what i’m made of, and it satisfies my curiosity. I think i’m emotionally detached from such exploration. However, I do try to access my feelings when I respond, because it’s the feelings that are authentic, not my thoughts or my logic and reasonings. So, when I said “I’m not her little girl. I’m nobody’s little girl” – that was a feeling and it hurt when I said it. It still hurts, because I have this feeling that I SHOULD’VE been SOMEBODY’s little girl. But, for whatever reason, I wasn’t.
Kanya, the only adults that I know who balance dignified and fun are men! Women who are fun – they’re not silly & foolish like me – they have a great sense of humor and are witty and can laugh and enjoy life. Perhaps they keep their silliness hidden? In every silly interaction I’ve observed between men & women, the women get exasperated first and stop having fun. I suddenly remembered two incidences that happened after I was done with college and working a temp job as a nurse for an organization – I was visiting friends who were married. We were all having a great time talking and laughing together till something silly happened. Then, I was fully engaged in the silliness of the moment with the MEN, and the women didn’t join in! One of the silly incidents was a pillow fight. I don’t remember the other one. But, I remember, I felt like a child although these men & women were only about 12 – 15 yrs older than me. I was in my mid 20s, and I felt like I was 6 and the way the men treated me, was like they would’ve treated their own daughters. There was absolutely NOTHING sexual in our interaction and I loved every moment and those men felt like heroes to me. I was just so grateful that they were willing to play with me, that they saw me as a child and let me be one. Haven’t thought of that for a long time. lol 🙂 The women… I wonder if I made them uncomfortable? I was completely oblivious to them.
Heidi, I never connected my discomfort with being dignified as related to my rejection of my mom! wow, this mess is deeper than I thought it could be. About trust – I understand what you’re saying. I worked through it when I was trying to figure out if I still had the fear of being abandoned. And I realized that all relationships carry a risk, because you never now how a person is going to change. So… am I willing to get hurt? Surprisingly, I am! Not because I like pain, but because I can’t make friends with my real self if I hide behind masks and fake behavior. Of course, there’s varying depths of friendships, and the deepest ones I have are…. hmm… drawing a blank. lol 🙂 Ok – I did have some deep ones before. And I did get hurt. One of the men that I had the pillow fight with (you know… I think they were both pillow fights! lol 🙂 ) – there was a lot of confusing communication happening between us and the organization we worked for, around the time my daughter was born, and he made things worse by his involvement. Another friend, who was a woman, also hurt me around the same time – and she was the first women i’d trusted in ages. I saw him again, 5 or so years later, and I was surprised that I had no anger towards him or feelings of hurt. We had a good, lighthearted chat. I haven’t seen the woman again, I did cut off contact with her. I think if I saw her now, i’d just feel a great deal of pity for her. She won’t be getting my trust again.
Trust is a gift. One of the purest gifts that one can give to another. It’s a serious matter to break trust. I know I can heal, so, i’m willing to go into a new relationship with an open heart, and with a willingness to get hurt. but, with my mother… i don’t see how that can work at this point. It’s not a new relationship. What do daughters even need their mothers for? I mean, what does a mother-daughter relationship look like? i don’t need her anymore, as a mother, do i? Also, in trying to envision a scenario in which she breaks my trust, i don’t see myself getting hurt. I see myself hating her. The only other person in my life that I’ve hated is the ex! I don’t like hating people. i’d rather feel pain than hate!
Heidi: “So much of you rebels against anything she was, so your need to be playful and childlike is probably even magnified, to go against what you had to grow up with.” — this actually has me worried. I know it’s ok for adults to be a bit childlike… but – if the child is magnified – now there’s a problem, isn’t there? why is my monster child refusing to grow up? Every stage of life is beautiful. And i don’t want to be a child in a relationship with a man.
I also have a hard time thinking about things like my next job! lol 🙂 In all honesty, i don’t want to work. I want to make a home. A place where we can be safe, and free. Me & my kids. And my friends when they visit.
Kanya, thanks for challenging me to accept myself as a FUN adult! I was on the verge of giving up on relationships just a few hours ago – because i was thinking – What if the monster child in me embarrasses or humiliates anyone who is in a relationship with me? I don’t want anyone to be ashamed of me. Or maybe i can wear a disclaimer that says: “Caution: May cause embarrassment with no notice”. That way, only someone who is willing to risk their pride will build a relationship with me. lol 🙂
Oh, i watched this video this morning, by Darren Hardy and he speaks about his mother whom he feels was stuck at being 12 yrs old. She left him, and he grew up with his dad, till his dad remarried, but his step-mother was of the evil sort and didn’t love him. So, he’s had to forgive 2 mothers. He speaks of his Child-mother in this one: https://dd.darrenhardy.com/lifes-most-profound-wisdom?utm_campaign=darrendaily&utm_medium=email&utm_source=broadcast&utm_term=lifes-most-profound-wisdom&utm_content=episode-1449&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-82stX_f_fk5E6nUaDQShH2Twg1loN5gmFVTj3fuqbTzcUTMcSKpLJ5eglfvrA3EKOUXNiTlMU6BadN_uYIpws4HikE0A&_hsmi=83242449
It’s little over 5 minutes. it made me wonder what my kids have had to forgive me for.
~ vino
