[Diana G]

Hi Kanya,

I am not ready to walk away, I do love him very much and I want to make it work. I am willing to wait, but not forever. I don’t want to be just his girlfriend forever and I don’t want to settle because I know what I want.

Therapy has been good, we are more connected than ever and we have gained tools to more easily solve conflict. The therapist told us not to talk about the engagement at all and we haven’t, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it, or that I stopped wanting it and I still get curious about where he is at, if anything changed at all. It gets frustrating sometimes and it is hard to remain positive, but he has been willing to work on what she tells us and practice being more open to seeing things differently so he can understand his fears and mine.

However, he recently told me he didn’t want to go to therapy anymore because he feels that she is not providing anything new that can be of value. He feels like she already gave us everything we needed and now it would be a waste of money to keep going. In a way, I agree. We never had a problem with feeling close and acting in a loving way, respect, intimacy, etc. The therapist has asked us to regain closeness, although we both feel we never lost it. The only problem we have ever had was this, him not being ready and being afraid of getting engaged. He says he is feeling a lot better, that he doesn’t feel as much fear as before. However, I do feel that we should keep going until he is able to figure everything out, but of course I cannot force him to go if he doesn’t want.

I am afraid that we just stop going to therapy and we end up right where we started, but if he no longer sees value in it, then it will not do us any good anyway. Right now I don’t know what to do. I wait, stay quiet so he doesn’t feel pressure, lower my expectations, forgive him for getting my hopes up when he’s not ready, forgive myself for letting go of my plans and dreams, purposefully change my mindset to be more positive, concentrate on other things that make me happy, practice being grateful for the good things we have in our relationship, enjoy the time we spend together. It helps, because there is peace. But that will not be enough forever.

Why does this have to be so much work? Why does it have to be this hard?

Thanks,

Diana

[Diana G]

Thank you Heidi,

It does make sense, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. The thought of him never being ready is terrifying. I don’t want to lose him of course, I love our relationship, it has been amazing! But I don’t want to settle either, staying with him without ever getting married is not enough for me. Many people tell me I don’t have to get married to have a committed relationship and I agree but it is still not enough. Would his family every consider me part of the family? This is something very important to me. Would we have the same rights regarding health care plans, taxes, retirement, making tough decisions regarding partner’s health, inheritance etc? Of course not. Would other people have the same boundaries and respect if we are husband and wife as if we are just boyfriend/girlfriend? Probably not. Would we have the same connection with each other if we just decide to be together without any further attachment as if we make a lifelong promise to stay together, spiritually and legally, in front of all the people that care for us? It feels completely different.

Selling the apartment has not been easy at all. The developer has made it even harder. I understand that I cannot hold him accountable to his promises but it still feels very irresponsible to sign a contract and commit to something and then just “change your mind”. I believe sometimes people do need to be held accountable or why do we even make promises in the first place? Will I ever be able to trust him completely or just live my life expecting him to change his mind? I would never back off from a promise I made, even if I “changed my mind”. I have been flexible, I have given him space, I have even stopped telling him that I need more but it is just too hard.

Relationships require compromise sometimes, from both parts. I feel like I have done my part. On our last appointment our therapist even asked me how I managed to be so flexible and told us it was now up to him to be more flexible and give me something. It has been hard work. I have been reading every book I can find on relationships, I purchased courses online, started conversations in forums, I have put in practice every advice I have stumbled upon, but that won’t change anything, I just have to wait and expect the best. And I feel like I have to carefully choose any word I tell him, but it is exhausting. And of course I feel that HE is more important than my plans right now, but it will not be enough forever.

It is hard to find that a relationship that has been almost perfect for so many years has come to this. And it would be ridiculous to end the relationship when we both still love each other so much, when we both still have a great time every time we are together, when we care for each other so much, but it is still not enough for me and I can’t simply change his mind. Sometimes I just feel very discouraged.

Thanks,

Diana

[Diana G]

Hi Heidi,

Why would you say he did not cause the disappointment? He spent that year telling me he wanted the same thing as soon as possible, HE was the one giving dates on when things would happen, I didn’t make any of this up, it’s not in my head, he acknowledges he is the one that created the expectations. Even on our appointments with the therapist he says he was wrong to make me think something that wasn’t true, and the therapist agrees that this is what caused disappointment and frustration, logically.

It’s “only” been a year since we made our plans (a very difficult year to be honest) but we have been together for 7 years, what is wrong with making plans? I find it completely natural and I don’t see why it would be wrong to make plans. Not even he thinks it is wrong to make plans, he has been scared for several reasons yes, but that doesn’t mean he thinks I am forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do, he likes our plans, and the reason he agreed to go to therapy is he wants to work through his fears because he wants to take that step too.

“Just going with the flow” is easier said than done, especially since we have responsibilities. I agreed to “get rid” of the apartment but it is not something than can happen overnight and it was a very difficult decision, and we still have to make payments, it is not something that can simply be forgotten. I understand he changed his mind, but that doesn’t mean I changed mine or I have to, I still want what I wanted 2 years ago, what we agreed on when we decided to purchase an apartment. He knew what he was committing to when he signed a contract, and I have been very flexible, I am giving him the time he needs. That doesn’t mean I have to forget about all my life plans or there is something going on with me for wanting what I want.

I have been open to work with him, try to understand him better. But what you are telling me makes me feel I am completely wrong, and I don’t think I am. We always have fun, that has never been an issue, we are always close and affectionate, but we disagree with this, that’s it.

[Diana G]

Hi Heidi,

You are absolutely right, that is exactly what is happening. A part of me always knew something like this was possible when dating a guy one year younger than me, I only thought he was different because he has talked very naturally about our future since the very beginning, he seemed so confident and mature! Maybe he just wasn’t really aware of what he was offering to me, he keeps seeing our future as a distant one, not something that could happen very soon.

I really do understand this and I respect it but sometimes it just gets too frustrating! I have been waiting for over a year and it feels like I will be waiting forever. It is very stressful. I would really like to make more concrete plans but I just can’t, and that stresses me out.

Besides creating the budget to make him feel more confident about the finance, what else can I do to help him through this process? Sometimes I feel that my frustration makes me say the wrong things, which make him even more doubtful. But I definitely cannot help feeling the way I do, I am often sad, angry or disappointed and it definitely shows, and it sure doesn’t help.

Thank you,

Diana

[Diana G]

Thanks Kanya,

I never really saw it this way because he talks about a variety of reasons as to why he is not ready (“I simply believe it is better to live together first”, “The right moment hasn’t arrived yet”, “I don’t want want you to start asking me for kids, I’m not ready” (me neither), “What if we get engaged and it doesn’t work out? it will feel like a failure” and most commonly “I really don’t know why I’m scared”). He really didn’t mention this concern until I asked why he wanted to live together first if we already did in Brazil and he said it wasn’t the same thing because we were on a scholarship and didn’t need to worry about money. But you are right, maybe the financial part of it is a very big concern for him, I only thought of it as another excuse.
I know he worries about money in general, he wishes he could earn a lot more, even though he earns well and shouldn’t really worry about it. I earn less than him but I always manage to make ends meet so it is something I usually do not worry about. I always support him when he worries about not having enough, or about having to spend in something he hadn’t plan for; it is not that I think his fears don’t make sense and I always manage to make him feel more confident after discussing money. I just never related it to the engagement because I figured he would be less worried since we would be sharing the costs and managing the expenses together. But he probably still worries we will not be able to figure it out. I guess we have different viewpoints.
There are some differences in how we manage money, I am very organized with it and a big saver. He is a bit more impulsive and spends in what would make him happy at the moment without considering his savings. At the beginning, when we first reserved the apartment, we had a few problems because I was saving a lot for furniture and other apartment expenses and he didn’t take it too seriously, and I understood he was having a hard time going from his college party stage to thinking like an adult and having responsibilities. I didn’t pressure him too much because I understood this but of course I let him know what I thought and that I was worried we wouldn’t have saved enough when the time came to move in. During this time he decided to buy a car and at the beginning he was aiming for a very expensive one. I really wanted him to get the car he wanted but I was also worried he would spend too much and not be able to save for anything else. I decided to just voice my concern and trust him and he ended up deciding on his own to buy another car that would allow him to save more, so that worked out well. He has told me several times that choosing that car instead of the other was the right choice to make. We haven’t really fought about money any more, we split the cost of the apartment 50/50 as well as any other expense we have when going on vacation or sometimes when we go out to eat. I trust he has been saving (although I really don’t know how much because if I ask it would be like I am trying to control him, so he doesn’t ask me how much I have either) but now that you mentioned it, I am starting to think maybe he feels like he needs to save more? Could be.
We used to handle disagreement very badly because we rarely disagreed, so the couple of times we did before it was explosive and one of us had to win. We have gotten a lot better at this lately because now there is a lot of disagreement, and fighting about it never fixes anything. Now, we talk things through and try to see the other’s point of view. I really appreciate that he has become a lot more open minded. However, with this topic, even talking and seeing each other’s point of view has not fixed anything, we always end up exactly where we started and that is why I have been looking for help with a therapist and here.
I do believe he knows I take him seriously, even when he makes decisions that I don’t agree with (like practicing crossfit when I consider it to be dangerous) I always support him, and he knows it. I would say the real problem is sometimes it’s hard for me to figure out what he needs because he is not very good expressing his concerns, his feelings, his doubts or fears. I have to be constantly asking him or trying to understand from what he talks about but most of the time I am just guessing. I have been reading soooo much about psychology to try to understand the reasons behind everything he does that confuses me, and it is hard work. But I also think that a lot of the time, not even he knows exactly what he is feeling or fearing. I understand that maybe I have been pushing him, but to me it didn’t feel like that because deep inside I have been thinking he really wants the same thing that I want (and he says it quite often), so I didn’t feel it was pushing, more like helping him get over his fears so he can enjoy the benefits that I already see and be happy. It has been really hard for me to accept that he doesn’t see things the way that I do, that he doesn’t think only about the good things because he is afraid of what could go wrong and that nothing I tell him can make him change his mind. For me it has been disappointing but I know that’s my problem and I need to keep working on being more accepting, it is just very hard. I had already painted a picture in my mind about what it was going to be like in May and I feel like I deceived myself with the expectations.

The budget is a great idea. We made one two years ago when we first made the decision but maybe we need to make a new one now. It could definitely help him feel safer.

Thank you so much,

Diana

[Diana G]

Hi Kanya,
We are 26 and 27. I thought you would mention this but I feel I must clarify, it is common in Costa Rica to live with your parents until after 30. I actually do not know anyone right now that has moved out except one friend (who got married), because first, it is a very small country and 25% of the population lives in the capital, so there is no need to move out to pursue a job opportunity or to study because everything is less than an hour away. Also, it is an extremely expensive country so most people are not able to live by themselves at all. I don’t know one single person who has managed to live by himself, it is just too expensive. This apartment was our opportunity to start our own lives but once we sell, we would continue to live with our parents because we simply cannot afford to move out unless we share the costs.
Also, during the last year of university we did a semester in Brazil and we lived together there. It was not exactly the same as it would be now because we didn’t need to worry about the financial part but we did learn how to divide our chores and got used to each other 24/7. Everything went great, we didn’t even fight at all and this experience was what made us decide to buy an apartment together. He says he now needs to live together first (again, why would he purchase a ring if that was the case?) because having to manage the finance would change everything, but I disagree. For me, we already lived together (even if it was for a short period of time) and I don’t need a “trial” time to see if it would work. To me, it seems as though his fears are taking over him.

Thanks,

Diana

[Diana G]

Thank you Heidi,

I say he is lying because he confessed he never really wanted to get engaged before moving in, he just said he did many many times because he “didn’t want to lose me”. I don’t really know if that is true or he is just saying it now to let me know he is not changing his mind, but since year one of our relationship (even though we were just kids) he has talked a lot about how our wedding and marriage would be like, how he would like to raise our kids, and everything he wanted to accomplish with me, so it has been really hard to accept that he never really wanted it like he now says. Now, I don’t think he is purposefully lying in bad faith, it is something he does automatically out of fear of me leaving him. But still, it feels like deceit to me. Of course that has caused a lot of resentment and distrust. I have cried for him almost every day for about a year and I have really tried to let the feelings of resentment go but it has been extremely hard because I can’t just forget everything that has happened. Some days are really good and I get to focus on the good parts (which are many) of our relationship. But some days I wake up feeling completely helpless remembering everything that has happened (today is one of those days).
Now, I don’t think what I am saying is childlike, what I mean is in relationships BOTH parts need to compromise sometimes but with him it feels like it has been only me. And I know there are a lot of wounds that I need to heal, I have been working a lot in it.
I guess we will be selling the apartment, but it is still very painful. This was our first big accomplishment together and we spent 2 years looking forward to it. Now it seems like a big failure to be honest. Also, he doesn’t want to sell or rent at all, so this will be another topic of conflict.
I really don’t want to lose him and I know I will always love him, but everything that has happened has gotten me to a point of even doubting if the pain is worth it. The most painful part is, he is my best friend, we enjoy each other’s company sooo much, we have a great time together always, we are great together, we just can’t seem to agree. And until last year we rarely fought, and now the only thing we fight about is this, and only because I still don’t understand why he changed his mind. It is very frustrating. And is it wrong to want more? To want what he already offered me?
I will definitely try to find another therapist with more availability (I didn’t mention we both live in Costa Rica so no Gottman therapists or retreats). We usually make adventurous plans on weekends and we have a great time together, the big conflicts have not made us any less loving of each other. But I am also at a stage in my life where I feel I should be moving forward, and selling the apartment and continue to act like nothing happened, continue to each live with our parents, and just sitting down to wait, not talking about the future anymore feels like a step back.
I just wish we could just somehow agree, instead of being at war.

Thanks for the advice,

Diana

[Diana G]

Thank you so much Kenya!
I would have been open to live with him first if the circumstances were different. I feel that if he had been honest with me from the beginning we could have considered that option and come to a different agreement, but it has been over a year since he told me he wanted the same things I want, that he wanted to get engaged before we moved in and he spent the entire year stressing these ideas. He made many many promises and he even purchased the ring already, which makes me feel as though moving in without getting engaged would be a step back in our relationship. Part of me has been trying to be open to the idea of accepting moving in but I struggle with it since it makes me think he is going to keep lying about what he really wants in the future, he is going to keep making promises he can’t keep, and he is going to keep breaking agreements we make as a couple and that is simply not the future I want.
We are still going to therapy but since I looked for the best one I could find and they handle a large number of patients, they can only see us once a month and it is hard to maintain the peace for so long (she told us not to talk about the engagement at all and instead focus on doing things that will make us be closer to each other). The apartment will be ready in less than two months and by then we should have applied for a mortgage, and we still haven’t even decided what to do about it which puts a lot of pressure in me and has made it very hard to avoid the topic altogether. I have tried to renegotiate with him because when we first made our decision we said we would get married this year and now I am open to wait a lot longer for the actual marriage because I know he feels afraid and I want to give him more time, but I also want him to be able to compromise instead of expecting everything to happen exactly the way he now wants it to happen. He is 26 and I am 27 (I know we are young and this contributes to everything but the way he has acted and talked about our future the past seven years made me think it wouldn’t be a problem, maybe I was wrong, but this is also why I am willing to wait for the wedding) I also know that he will probably not get over his fear but he should acknowledge it and make decisions instead of expect me to change my mind and “give in” like I always do, because later on he will see there was nothing to be afraid of.
He is also very bad at sharing his feelings, he really does not like to talk about them, he rarely cries and this makes it harder because I have to keep asking him what he feels, what he wants, what has caused him to change his mind about different things, it is hard work. Also, he is not used to “losing” or facing consequences because he is very smart and has always gotten his way with everything in his life (even as a kid his father would get him out of trouble instead of making him face consequences) and it feels as though he is very sure that things will always go his way and at the end I will compromise while he does nothing. Agreeing to move in and forgetting about the decision we made makes me feel like what I want or need will always be secondary, it seems unfair.
His parents are still married but have been having problems recently (this was long after we started having our own problems so I think it is not closely related). His father is not very respectful of his mother but I can tell this is something he does not approve because he has always treated me in a way that is completely the opposite (extremely respectful, loving, considerate, etc). He even tells his father he is uncomfortable with the way he speaks about her or other women and this is something I really admire about him. I would say maybe the divorce of his grandparents affected him as a kid but it is something he doesn’t really talk about. We haven’t been married before we began our relationship when we were just kids.

Thanks again for all the advice,
Diana

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