[Alexa L]

Hi Kanya,
Thanks for the feedback and the book recommendation. Yes, I’m starting to really take care of myself and I feel things shifting. I am becoming more grounded, but I find that I so easily fall off the wagon and go back into my anxious insecure place. I want to be able to get to a place where I can stay grounded when the earth is shaking beneath my feet, where I can not only remain unaffected by men rejecting me, friends not responding to my messages or flaking on me, and strangers being rude or disrespectful, but I can also set boundaries and decide not to engage or have certain people in my life. I want to be stronger and not accept poor treatment. I want to be more vocal about my needs. But, I don’t want to be a bitch about it; I want to do it with respect. I’ve just never been this way, so it seems like it may be challenging to get there within myself. Do you have any suggestions on how to empower myself more?

Thank you,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,
It’s been a while. I finally let go of Laurent. Contrary to the previous man I was with (and many others), he was a good person. He just isn’t in a place to be in a relationship. There were some things a long the way that I did too, that he gave me feedback on that I’m really reflecting on. In fact, I feel like I might have sabotaged it. I don’t know where this fatalist attitude comes from – I pretty much think I have sabotaged every relationship I’ve been in – that it’s been my fault. So, now, when I’m with someone and I do something wrong or hurtful to them, I think the relationship is over. I’m extremely anxious in relationships. But, something is shifting…I told Laurent that I wanted more (he still couldn’t “commit” to me after 3+months, lives in LA, and he is really busy with other priorities in his life (his aging parents, his work when he gets jobs, his life in LA). And, for the first time, I did it with respect and kindness, and I hope that someday him and I can be friends. I’ve never had a “break up” like this before. However, now all my old beliefs are rushing back in and I feel rejected by him and that it’s all my fault. I feel like I’ll never meet someone that I have a great connection with like I did with him, and I’ll spend the rest of my days single. Not only that, but I’m official per-menopausal – I didn’t get my period last month, but I’m no pregnant. I’m just getting extremely irregular periods and I’ve been having extreme sleep problems, anxiety and depression. I’m hoping that this shift in me will lift me out. I’m starting to feel it, but then I fall back in my old patterns. I feel inundated with grief and rejection right now, and I don’t know how to pull myself out. I got offline and have taken a break from dating since it hasn’t been the best experience for me – I was dating very casually while I was with Laurent, so I wasn’t really available to any of the men, and then all of a sudden, all my feelings just shut off and I didn’t want to see any of them any longer. I was so confused. I just want to find someone who is excited about me, and me, him, and to develop a strong secure connection where I feel safe and loved. It just seems so impossible. I’m ranting, I know, but I’m feeling like my life has no real meaning right now. If I’m not going to have kids or a partner, how will I make my life meaningful?
Feeling heartbroken with life,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,
I am already in another relationship situation with a man in which I feel anxious, and I don’t know what to do. When I was in my last relationship, I met another man, Laurent, at Burning Man (just went for the first time this last year and not sure if I’ll go again). We corresponded as friends, but there was definitely chemistry. He lives in LA (like my ex), but he comes up here because he had property here and his parents live here. When he visited, I kissed him one night when I was still with my ex. I felt guilty and told him that I just wanted to be friends. Now that I’m not in that relationship, we have been hanging out a lot and even having sex. He comes up just to see me sometimes. I’ve found myself starting to get attached, and I’ve been talking to him about it a lot. He seems to be taking it in stride and not shutting me out like my ex, but he also says that he’s still getting to know me. I told him I’m dating other people, and that there’s even one guy who lives close to me and has many of the things I’m looking for. I don’t know why I told him about this other guy when things aren’t any where near the same place as with Laurent. I feel so comfortable with Laurent, and the sex is amazing. We are also not using protection, and he says that he knows I want to get pregnant, and if he gets me pregnant, we will deal with it then. He says maybe I will come to live with him down in LA if things go well. This is huge, but then he also says that we’re not “there” yet at all, and that I’m still healing from my last relationship and I’m dating other people. I even have someone I’ve told him about, which doesn’t feel good to him. I feel like I’m telling him too much at this point. We talk about our “relationship” a lot and how we are both weary. He puts it a little more on me, saying that I’m the one who’s still trying to figure things out; that I have a lot of rules (I said I didn’t want to have sex with him again while I’m dating other people, but I ended up breaking that rule last night). Things feel complicated all of a sudden. I sent him a text saying that I appreciate him being patient with me and that I think we are both weary, and that it’s ok. I enjoy being with him and I want to keep doing it until we are not weary any longer. I haven’t gotten a response, and I’m afraid I might have said too much. He also might be asleep, but I have a feeling I may not get a response from him on that text. In some ways, I think I may come across as too rigid for him in person. I also think he’s feeling pressure, when before, he seemed smitten with me. This is what I do with every relationship I’m in. I don’t know how to not do it. Can you help me see all this with more clarity? I’m so scared to be rejected again.
Thank you, Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,
Yes, that sounds good. I’d like to connect with your therapist to see if we’d be a good fit. I’m ready to do this deep work now.

Thank you!
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Thank you, Heidi. Yes, I think it’s really sinking in that I need to do some deep work. You’re right about this pain and trauma being stronger than my ability to open to a healthy loving relationship. You’re also right that I don’t trust men and don’t really know what love is for me. I have an idea; a vision that I like to talk about and write about, but I’ve never felt it myself. When I think about that fact, it makes me so sad.

Do you have any recommendations for PTSD therapists in the San Francisco Bay Area? If not, I’ll look into it. You said you did this same work (thanks for sharing, by the way) – did you work one on one with a PTSD therapist for a while? Did you do any other programs, read books, etc.? I think I really need to focus on this right now, and I’m ready.

As for children- I think I’ll work on this for a few months and see where I’m at with having a child on my own. I have my frozen eggs that I could try to use in a couple of years if I end up waiting..but we’ll see.

This is the first time I’ve had someone really tell me how serious this is and that I’ve experienced real trauma that has prevented me from being in healthy relationships. It’s really eye opening for me. I decided that the thing I want to bring into my life in 2019 is “Trust”. That is my focus now – trust in life, trust in men, trust in myself…

Happy New Year to you, and thanks again for all your support,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,
These are all good questions. I’m still trying to be able to find answers to them. What I think happened was that I feel this incredible need to be loved by men that don’t show love to me. The thing I can’t difure out tho is there it came from. My dad was always loving, but he was emotionally distant and we only saw him on the weekends. My mom would talk badly about my dad and had a lot of resentment. She was very moody (you never knew when she was going to be set off), she guilt tripped us, she told me that my friends were garbage and my life was going to amount to nothing if I didn’t change it…I always tried to pacify her and I still do. But overall, I don’t have any memories of being sexually or physically abused by my family. The way my mom controled us and how she treated us could be interpreted as emotional abuse, but I know now that she loved us a lot and she was just really stressed out. What’s really interesting is that my dysfunction with men started early- around 16 years old. I had a boyfriend that didn’t treat me well and cheated on me. I was drugged, raped and molested by random men in my late teens and early twenties. I dated a series of guys that were not good for me until my first real love at 21. We dated for 5 years long distance until he cheated on me, Jen proposed, and then told me that things were going to change and that I was going to do what he wanted me to do. I felt betrayed. I broke up with him and he was with another woman within a month. That was one of the most traumatizing experiences I’ve ever had. Ever since then I’ve eithwe dated someone who wouldn’t love me or have rejected someone that would. It is a deep pattern. I just found myself trying to connect with a man that won’t return my texts or calls. I just had an anxiety attack around it and I recalled how I felt that way in my last relationship and many before then.
Is it time for me to stop allowing men in my life that being this anxiety out in me or is it time for me to let go of the anxiety so that, even that behavior wont affect me? Or both? I’m really feeling rock bottom here.
Thank you for all your insight,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Thank you, Heidi. Yes, I agree, I have to love myself first. I’m thinking about going to a sex and love addicts anonymous meeting and I’ve been reading all about trauma bonds. I’m trying to be really honest with myself. I’m still feeling a lot of pain, negative thoughts about myself, and having difficulty sleeping, but my awareness around this issue has been the clearest ever. I’m needing a lot of time to process. I am dating a bit though. I find it helpful to start practicing being myself and setting boundaries with men. What do you think about that?

Just as an aside – It’s going to be a long process to come to a place of solid self love, like you said, and I’m already 40, so in many ways, I may give up on the thought of having children with someone. It just takes too long to get there with someone.

Thanks again for all your insight. It’s really helpful!
Alexa

[Alexa L]

To expand on my last comment about James Baur’s methods, I keep questioning what i did wrong with Michael, and a part of my wants to try to get him back because i so desperately want to feel loved by him, but i don’t want to feel the pain I had in that relationship again and i don’t think I could be that special woman for him that “gets” him. I never did get him to open up to me deeply. I don’t think he felt comfortable doing that with me. I wish I had been that woman for him though. I wish I had been stronger and more desirable. How do I become that woman? Should I start buying more of James’ books on what to say, etc to men? It just all feels like so much work.

[Alexa L]

Heidi,
Thank you for the clarity on this. I am trying to figure out why I choose men who are aloof and emotionally distant, and why I turn into this insecure woman who allows myself to be mistreated. I’m reading a book called betrayal bonds, which is about addictive love behaviors and how past trauma bonds us to people that reinforces the traumatic feelings. I allowed this man to walk all over me, and he didn’t even see it that way. It’s almost as if I created it by letting him do it even if that wasn’t his intention. It got to the point where he was completely turned off by me. I think what the hardest thing is to deal with is the anger I have at myself for allowing this to happen again (I’ve been in many relationships like this). I want to be stronger. I got on an online dating app (Hinge), and I’ve already experienced situations where the man will flake and want to reschedule and I just don’t have any patience for it. I see this as a way to start practicing having higher standards and taking care of myself. Do you have any other suggestions on how to start really valuing myself more when I’m in a relationship?

Also, when I see all the advice from James about what to say to a man to get him to fall in love with me, it seems so exhausting. Should I hold off on trying all that now?

Thanks so much for your insight.
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Thank you, Heidi. The thing is, I’m having a hard time letting go of it still. I know it was not a good relationship for me, but I feel so rejected and insecure over it. I’m having a hard time being kind to myself. I lay awake at night going through all the things that went wrong and how terrible it felt. I sent him an email a couple of days ago because I never really got to say my piece. I told him that I didn’t think the reasons he gave me were the real reasons he broke up with me; that it was something else. I remember feeling so unattractive to him and that he would get annoyed at me easily towards the end. I remember having extreme anxiety the last night I had with him and I couldn’t sleep. But, I didn’t say anything the next day. I wish I had. I stopped feeling like I could talk to him because he would get mad every time I wanted to. I want to feel attractive and worthwhile again. I’m afraid to get into another relationship in which I feel this way again. Any suggestions on how to avoid this kind of man in the future? I really want to be with someone who is kind and considerate.
Thanks,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,
Yes, my intuition was right, but I kept getting advice from people to give him space and continue to support him, but that just gave him more time to solidify his decision. I wish I had asked him what was wrong when I started to feel things were off. When I look back, there didn’t seem to be a real friendship in our relationship.
As for the guys I seem to attract- I have to think about that. The kind of guy I’m attracted to is a little rough around the edges, emotionally hard, confident, manly..but these aren’t the kind of guys I describe when I talk about what kind of man I want. The kind of man I want is kind, loving, values communication, friendly, romantic..
As for children- yes, I have thought about life without kids, and I’m finally becoming ok with it. I’ve thought about having kids on my own, but I just know how hard it would be, and I think I’ve been alone so long that I will be ok with being a lone in my life if I don’t have kids and never find a man.
I’m feeling pretty rejected and hurt right now. I’m also feeling embarrassed that I put myself out there so much and he was turned off by it. I really really want to change the way I feel about myself and how I am with men.
Thanks for all your thoughtful feedback,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Kanye,
Well, he broke up with me last night. He said he’s not able to give me the kind of relationship that I want. That he thinks I’d want to get married and have kids soon, and he’s not ready for that. He said he thinks I want an emotionally deeper relationship than he can give me as well. I asked him how long he’s been feeling this way, and he said a few weeks. That’s about as long as I’ve been feeling this high anxiety. I just wish I had confronted him sooner about it, honestly, and not given him so much “space” because my body has been taking in a lot of toxic feelings through my anxiety and I’ve felt so many insecurities. Now, being dumped on top of that makes it all feel worse. But, in many ways, it’s a relief. I am now able to move on from this pain. I don’t want him back, so I’m not going to do anything to try to get it. Last week, I tried a few things to try to tap into his hero instinct, but it didn’t work. He was already done with the relationship.
My main focus now is to take care of myself, start to create more inspiration in my life, and to not take it lightly when a man is aloof, seems unavailable even though he says he’s not, and when he doesn’t want to talk about what he wants in a relationship. How do I choose men that are “better” for me? Also, with my age and wanting kids, it’s hard for men not to feel the pressure- how do I handle that?

Thanks,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Thank you for the thought-provoking email, Kanya. I really would love to understand him more! That’s all I want, but how do I do that when we don’t talk, and when we do, he doesn’t really share much with me? I don’t see him in-person often and he’s not a big texter. What kinds of things can I do to understand him better? Ask him better questions? send him a text that will make him want to call me? How do I learn to read him better?

Yes, he sent me 3 texts on Thanksgiving, which was nice. I do need to be reminded of what he DOES do sometimes. I have a question though – not one text of his over the week asked me how I was doing – does that matter? He has no idea that my stepdad ran into my car on Thanksgiving and now I have a big dent on it, and that I had an emotional thanksgiving with my sister and because I missed him, and that I couldn’t sleep AT ALL…There were parts that were wonderful too, but I wanted to share it all with him. Is the idea that, when I start supporting him more and understanding him more, then he will start wanting to engage more and understand me more? Our relationship needs it to go both ways for it to survive.

Your question about moving to a more secure attachment style – I would want nothing more! I am working on it by reading books, taking online courses, and even by being on this forum (thank you:)), but it may take a while to get there. I have a lot of insecurities, and the anxious attachment style is very embedded in my psyche. Any ideas on how to manage it while I’m on the journey?

As for next steps. He said he will call me sometime today after he gets home. How should I be? I’m not ready to talk to him about all this because I don’t think my thoughts are properly sorted out. Should I just engage with him in the moment and talk about normal stuff?

Thanks again for all your insight,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,

It has been like this off and on throughout our relationship. When we dated for the first time, I wasn’t feeling like he was that into me, so I continued to date other people, which he didn’t like. When I told him that, if he didn’t “step up” (put more effort into the relationship), I didn’t want to be in it, he left me. That’s right after he got laid off, so I know he was under stress, but it was really hard on me. And then he moved back down to LA. 3 months later, he contacted me after he got a job. We’ve been dating long distance since July, and during this new round, I’ve felt so much better at times, but there have been other times that I’ve felt like hurt and confused. He has an avoidant-attachment style and seems to retreat every time things get tough, which is hard on me since I really need to feel connected (anxious-attachment). He likes being alone and doing his own thing, which is good, but it’s to the detriment of the relationship. I’ve felt this the most in the past 2-3 weeks – his affection and attention has lessened. I understand being under a lot of stress, but stress is a part of life. I would hope that he would want to talk to me if he was stressed. Yesterday was thanksgiving day – I got 3 texts from him with no sweet emojis. I responded to each one with sweetness and love. He sent a “good night” text, so I sent him one back with a sexy selfie of me saying “my sultry look :)” and I’ve gotten no response. I feel deflated. I wrote a pros and cons list to breaking up with him, and what’s interesting is that a lot of the items could go in either category. For example, if we broke up, I would be a lone, but I already feel alone. Also, I would miss him, but I already miss him. I don’t think the list worked because I was trying to think of things that he added to my life, and at this time, I really can’t think of anything. There were times I felt loved by him and more secure. It was a relief; I felt like I finally found my person. That’s when he added to my life. Now, it feels like just heartache. The thing is, I don’t know that he realizes the extent of the pain I’ve been feeling. I don’t know how he feels AT ALL.

I like your suggestion for what to say to him. I especially like that I need to honor that I need more. I think some women would be ok with this amount of attention, but I do need more, and I’ve been judgmental about that because I wish I wasn’t so “needy”.

Thank you,
Alexa

[Alexa L]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for the thoughtful messages. I ended up talking with him on that Sunday night, and he said he was angry because he felt like I didn’t understand his need to stay home. I apologized for not being more understanding and supportive of his decision, and told him I do understand. Ever since then, I’ve been putting more energy into getting in touch with him, but his texts have been few and far between. Sometimes he just doesn’t respond to them. It’s Thanksgiving day, he’s at his mom’s in Pittsburg, and I got a Happy Thanksgiving from him early this morning, and haven’t heard back since. I know he’s with family. I don’t expect to hear from him much anymore to be honest. It hurts, and I know I’m being selfish not thinking more of his needs, but it just doesn’t feel good. I know this is my own stuff – I need more self love.

You ask if there are any other reasons that I am not enhancing his life, and yes – he originally talked about spending thanksgiving with me, and then changed his mind to go to his mom’s and didn’t invite me even though I invited him to my mom’s for Thanksgiving. About 5 weeks ago, he has said he would come see me when I was at a workshop about an hour and half from where he lives, but then he said he had too much going on at work to come. I talked to him a few nights ago, and asked when I would see him again, and he said, “I don’t know”. You say I should go down and visit him, but I had done that a few weeks ago when he was first evacuated. I spent a lot of money on the ticket, and I thought he would want to spend the weekend with me instead of on his own in a motel or crashing at someone’s house. It turned out that it seemed like more of a hassle that I was there than anything because it was expensive for him to get a quality hotel, so we ended up driving all the way up to my place and we just stayed there all weekend; inside because of the smoke and he was sick. As for the evacuation, he actually didn’t take anything from his place because he had already left for work when the evacuation was announced, which I know must have been stressful. I wish I could have been more supportive. He just doesn’t communicate that much with me, so I don’t know what’s going on. I asked him how he was feeling, but he would say he’s fine; just “annoyed” that he couldn’t go home.
Overall, the long distance makes it tough, and the fact that he needs a lot of space and doesn’t communicate much, makes it hard to feel connected to him. He seems to do things for other women and he has a very strong connection with his mom, so I know he has the ability to give of himself. I’ve been trying to reach out, but he doesn’t respond much, so now I’m just responding with love when he texts me. What do you think? Shall I continue this for a couple of weeks to see how he shows up? I’m feeling like I already kind of lost him, and I don’t know how much I want to try and rekindle his love for me when he lives so far away and doesn’t seem to be making much effort to stay engaged with me.

Am I being too selfish? Did I just sabotage the relationship by not being more supportive?

Thanks again,
Alexa

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