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I ended up giving him an ultimatum; we try again or stop talking for a while. Unsurprisingly he chose the latter. I’m on day five now and it is oh so difficult, and he didn’t make it any easier on me by saying to me that ‘maybe he’ll feel different in a couple of weeks’ and that he woke up in the middle of night with a sense of dread, like he’s made the wrong decision. That was at night five days ago and the last I heard from him.
But for now I won’t look back. I really want to send him something for valentines though. Just a drawing of a flamingo and a frog (I joked that he was obsessed with flamingos because he has some really expensive items of clothing with flamingos on them, and made him a pillowcase with one in it for Christmas, and I’ve been jokingly ridiculously fond of frogs ever since we met). I wouldn’t write anything other than ‘happy valentines!’ but I don’t know. Is it a horrible idea?
Thank you for your quick reply. I’ll definitely have a look in the morning. What sucks is that I feel like I’m in a rush – he is moving to Japan in March so unless he changes his mind like tomorrow, I likely won’t see him in a long, long time no matter how well things go between is.
Should I withdraw from contact entirely? I have a bad tendency of telling him when things don’t go my way and I think that is definitely pushing him away, but he seems to enjoy just having some short, friendly conversations now and then. Just this morning he sent me this: “There was a post on facebook saying tag someone who deserves all the love and pizza in the world and has a great butt. Thought of you ofc but great is an understatement :D”
That just made be angry, to be honest, and I feel even more lost than before..
I have tried different sorts of therapy and they just don’t work for me. I get strong selective mutism when I’m put into a situation where I HAVE to talk. I am able to write down my thoughts relatively coherently, but only because I can write and rewrite and rethink everything ten times over. I am currently waiting to get into some sort of activity program just to get out and maybe get some sort of idea about what I want to do with my life, but my doctor let me down massively by not sending in the required papers in the beginning of december when we asked him to and just did it now a couple of weeks ago after we reminded him (we thought he did it or we obviously would have reminded him sooner). Waiting time before norways welfare system gets back is up to 6 weeks so I have a while longer to kill…
Sadly I can’t really afford any books. If there are any articles I can read for free that you can recommend then I will happily take a look (although chances are I’ve read it, I have literally been living on the internet these last two weeks), but I am living at home with my mother and she is essentially paying for everything I do right now.
Oh. And I bought the His Secret Obsession book with the free bonuses. I can’t afford anything else, already living off my mother.
It’s supposed to be in Why Men Shut Women Out, but that book just tells me to watch a video which tells me to read the book which tells me to watch a video etc. As for the relationship, this is what he said to me before blocking me on messenger:
I had a think, and I had to come to a decision. You are the closest thing to perfect I have ever experienced. You are sweet, lovely, and kind, and when I am with you everything else just takes a back seat including my problems. But I have to face those problems, and I have to do it alone. Please understand why and how and that this was in no way an easy decision for me. I love you with all of my heart, Rannveig Lien Nilsen, and that’s why I am letting you go. You can throw away my clothes, Sonic, the bear, the cards, whatever. But please don’t throw away the memories of us. The time I spent with you was the best of my life, and though this is insanely hard, I have to walk away and work on myself. You deserve so much more – even if you don’t feel that way right now – and maybe in a few months or something we can be friends. But right now I need to block you and I need to be far away from everything so that I can work on myself, my career, and my life. I hope that things go well for you, and I hope you realise just how amazing and strong you are. I love you. Goodbye.
We have since been in contact on reddit (I am bad at letting go, like extremely bad at it) and yesterday night he sent this:
You were all I ever wanted, and all I could ever want. And I guess that’s why I got so sad, because when I’m with you I have zero ambition for anything other than to be with you. And that’s why I can’t. It hurts me to think that you’re talking to someone else about the things we used to talk about, but I’m glad that you’re doing this for yourself at the same time. I’m a mess just thinking about the pillow, looking at it and seeing how considerate and sweet the love of my life is and it’s making me so fucking sad. I canmt even bring myself to re read rhe letters again. I’m broken, and I can’t take you back right now but I just wanted to say I love you. I’m sorry for saying it, sorry I can’t give ypu what you want, and sorry for everything. You are the best girlfriend anyone could ever wish for.
I think he has a long way to go before he can accept having me as his girlfriend again, but I would really, really hate for our relationship to go down the drain completely, and I would do pretty much everything to just have him as a close friend as opposed to this on and off messaging we are doing right now.
You are definitely right, but it’s so incredibly hard for me to let go. I’ve spent most of my life depressed and scared and alone, even in my old relationship (which was mostly great! but nothing compared to this one). Things were better than they are now, obviously, but they were still mostly kind of “meh”. So having that taste of pure happiness and hope for a few months and then losing it so abruptly has really messed me up. In a way I wish I hadn’t felt it, because now that I know what I’m missing out on, it’s just so much worse.
Regarding the mental health there are so many blocks, ocd, fatigue, anxiety, depression. Even if I somehow landed a job in Japan without any sort of relevant education (I couldn’t finish middle school with grades and high school was just a clusterfuck of no grades and absense and homework I never finished), I couldn’t live in such a crowded place, I get panic attacks walking through pretty much clear city streets. Even if I somehow could, it would be an incredibly long shot and unlikely to fix anything at all considering his stance on things. Like I said he didn’t completely shut it down, so I’m not sure if he thought about it at all, but it doesn’t matter as it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. It was a nice thought to entertain for a day or two but past that, nah…
For now I’m trying to just make it through one day at a time, distract myself with games when I can, I go see my horse every day which I know is a massive help even if it feels like a chore right now. I watch some tv and try to talk to friends when I’m feeling up for it, but I try to avoid it on the worst days as there is no point in dragging them down with me, especially if it doesn’t help me in any way what so ever.
I’ve tried to spend my days somewhat productively, trying to figure out what to do with my life. But I just feel even more lost the more I search, to be honest. I have no clue what I want to do when I get older. I thought I wanted to work with horses and spent years just pursuing that only to realize it’s not worth it at all and definitely not something I want to spent my future doing. Nothing else appeals to me at all, either, but that might just be the depression speaking, as I generally don’t have an interest in anything and can’t find enjoyment in the things I used to like.
Regarding the ex, he contacted me yesterday and I decided to pour my heart out to him again. Nothing about wanting him back but a somewhat long text about how low I’m feeling. Probably was a bad idea but I don’t think it’s fair to lie to him and say I’m fine either. We had a good, relatively normal but very short conversation in the evening though. It felt nice, but I know I can’t read into it too much.
Also I really need some help getting out of this mindset of constantly refreshing reddit (that is were we are currently speaking). Every time I have a second to spare (which is literally all the time, I don’t really have anything interesting going on in my life, no work/education), I tab back in and refresh it and get disappointed when there isn’t anything from him. If my phone vibrates I get excited and then I get so disappointed if it’s someone else. How do I get out of this loop? Like I mentioned I don’t want to contact him today, I don’t want to swamp him. But it’s so hard when all I want to know is if he’s feeling better today (he mentioned he was feeling a bit ill yesterday), if his day is going well, what he’s doing… I feel like such a control freak and I honestly don’t know how to avoid it. I love him and I want him back, whether it’s as a friend or a boyfriend. But I feel like I’m sabotaging myself trying too hard. :/
I don’t think I’ve asked straight up why he doesn’t want a relationship in general, and I’m definitely not going to start digging now that I’m on his ‘good’ side. But the gist of it is that he’s scared of hurting us both and scared of getting stuck in life. When he’s with me he’s ‘happy with who he is’, and pretty much halts any personal improvement to just spend every second of the day with me. I suspect that’s the main reason.
Of course I’ve told him that now that I know, I would never let it happen again, I would help him get out of his mindset, I would legitimately do anything for this guy (I told him I was honestly thinking I could think about finding a job in Japan too, which he never responded to properly. In hindsight that is crazy and not an option at all considering my mental health especially). He then said I already let him, which to me seems incredibly unfair – he never told me the problem and I can’t read his mind… If I’d known, I would have done things differently, I wouldn’t have let him halt his life for me (and I didn’t think I was, he was going to interviews and stuff).
I’d definitely rather keep him in my life as a friend than not at all. But whenever he talks to me he adds hearts and tells me he loves me. I don’t know how to change that dynamic, I very much love him back.
For what it’s worth he had a crush a while back (like before we met) that he went no contact with after she rejected him. A few months later they started talking again and now they’re great friends (she has a boyfriend, I’m not worried about it being anything more). That makes me think there could be hope for us being friends but I feel like I’d have to get through a couple of months of not talking to him, which honestly seems like hell on earth.
He never did respond to the long message I sent him yesterday, but I told him to have a good time playing magic today to which he responded. We had a short conversation in which I thanked him for continuing to be awesome even though it hurts him.
For today I won’t talk to him, if he wants anything he’ll message me himself and he clearly needs space. Then I guess I might try a couple of friendly exchanges tomorrow…
