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Hello everyone,Merry Christmas and Happy New year!
Just to give an update,
The online friend is a wonderful friend whose already asked if I would be willing to relocate. Maybe one day was my response, in in a place right how that im doing a lot of self work,because I can see that there are definitely areas that have become unhealthy through this last relationship. I honestly didn’t realize it until I started spending time with someone ive known for a couple of years. Wonderful man, honest open and genuine,yet younger than me by to many years than I feel comfortable with. I was honest from the beginning in the fact that i was not open for intimacy but if he wanted to hang out together we could.
After 2 weeks of him trying to convince me to actually change my mind and have sex with him and me not allowing that boundary to he crossed he disappeared.
Through these 2wks I see how my communication has become hard when it cones to certain subjects,as wellvas stand on a precipice of double standard: I want to be close to someone but I don’t want to become intimate right away if at all,that’s a very real trust thing for me. Am I wrong for this? Am I expecting to much to actually want to get to know a person and build a relationship?Hello Everyone,
Its been awhile since vie had time to visit the forum and give an update.
I have to admit that if it weren’t my life. I would swear it was a movie
On the last go around I was checking my mental status because just seemed like situations were being created to provoke. And it worked, this go around the play was to parade the new Mrs. In front of me. Which I gave her my condolensces and wished them well.
I guess I just don’t understand the point of this.
Moving on to awesome things- I have found a friend ( well I would like to be his friend)however,I have no idea how to nurture a friendship online? He lives in WIT and in ok with that right now,I don’t think I would do so well face to face as of yet. My second question is- how do I refrain from seeming opinionated or overbearing I guess you’d call it? Written communication can come off very differently than you intend sometimes.Hello Kenya,
I’ve started practicing the two exercises that you mentioned,at first it was still really awkward,however I am feeling more confident. The strange part of all this is the fact that I’m still sad in my heart about this. I try not to think about him but a lot of the time he still creeps back in. He did retrieve the rest of his belongings which I moved outside for him,I don’t even know why I did that.not letting him come back into the house really had no forethought at all. I find myself missing him at times but not any of the hurtful things that went on for both of us and definately not in a “if only” false hope way. More like wow,God i wish what was portrayed in the begining would have been for real.After doing a lot more reading about the narrsasisst personality disorder,the one point that an author made was that a narc will be done when you are done. I had actually been doing things instinctually that many of the experts outlined in their clinics in regards to effectively start taking back control of your life and emotions.
From the beginning I was making huge mistakes setting the mode for an uneven relationship, investing so much and settling for next to nothing. I guess when you’re getting older and aren’t really attractive, you’re willing to put up with a lot of stuff that you wouldn’t have when you were younger,due to the fact that men were always letting you know they had interests in you.
The anxiety is almost completely gone, and I’m able to sleep even starting to laugh which is a greatly welcomed feeling.My coworkers are even starting to joke more which is awesome to see and hear.a Were planning to attend some kind of event soon, just to have fun. We all work so much that there’s never any time for fun things, life had gotten so serious for so long we were forgetting to see the flowers amongst the weeds. Focusing on all the bad things in life can strangle out the good things like weeds in a flower garden.
My question is this, they say abused people become abusers, so how do you turn it around? I started getting pretty mean in the end and that’s really not ok,I can say the anger I was harboring was toxic and I’m regretfully sure that I was hurtful towards him so many times. I started to act like him, I guess in retaliation to how I’d been made to feel,so now I see some qualities that I find unacceptable within myself,because I do one day still pray that I’ll not be completely alone. Yet, it’s unrealistic to create a criteria for someone else that you don’t yourself possess.
I’m still very confused as to how someone can be with someone knowing that they were just using that person’s own emotions against them to get whateverit was they wanted.
To me if you want something,work for it.
Any pointers on how to deprogram so to speak my knee jerk reactions now?Hello Kenya,
Thank you once again for your kind words and quick response,they are greatly appreciated.
After hearing everyone out,my co-workers are truly an awesome group of people and I truly appreciate the privilege to work with and call them friends.
My question is this, how do you know when you’ve come out of a situation “healthy”?
I honestly believed and felt OK when I was keeping this man at a distance. However under the right amount of pressure stress and physical fatigue I can look back and see that I was not healthy and probably made not only him but others feel like they were in some sort of nightmare.
I’ve started the “authentic self” moduse, in an effort to get my head out of the old habits of thinking about what I’ve spent almost 2year focused on. I hadn’t realized how much of my time was spent trying to ” figure things out” doing the pattern interrupt and thought redirection is working.
I am still triggered by a man standing to close to me, though I play it off pretty well. I feel almost trapped, I guess that would be some kind of anxiety? I can look women straight in the eye when talking for duration of time,however with men I avoid eye contact,this in itself is a bad thing I know because it shows lack of self esteem and confidence. I’ve tried to force myself to hold eye contact but lose my thought process of the discussion. Any suggestions? I did order the book you suggested as well.
Thank you again,
MelissaHI it’s Mel again,
I forgot to tell you all about a little survey that I did on myself with my co-workers.
I was reading through one of the modules and did what it suggested, I asked those that I work with what they thought and felt about the relationship that I had been in.
I work amongst men and do value their honesty and in put. We women often view ourselves as gentle,loving,nurturing soft creatures,and we can be for the most part.Until we’re being hurt,I asked a series of questions that after reassurance that no matter what their response was I would be open to their honesty. Well they were, for almost 2 years they have worked shoulder to shoulder with me,watching as I changed not only physically but mentally as well.
Though the questions were asked independently their answers were very similar.
In the beginning they knew me to be confident, strong,honest compassionate,and a very hard worker.
After the first round of events though they had no idea what was going on, my confidence was beginning to breakdown and I would second guess myself,I started to look tired and distant,still honest and compassionate,however they saw anger flash which they had never seen before,and I was working even harder like I was being driven.
This year when given the privilege of running a 66million dollar expansion project they saw me start to carry my regulatory laws manuals with me like I was forgetting information that previously been able to quote page,paragraphs and addendum to.I no longer smiled, and the weight loss was very apparent, I began pouring myself into the project backing up the other crews,pulling double and triple shifts just to make sure everyone else was OK.
They all felt helpless because they knew something was terribly wrong because ministry and my relationship with God was something hey always felt encouraged by, because I would see them hurting and always had a perspective that helped them get through whatever issue. Now I no longer went to church, a hardness was over me, I was still their crew leader and their trust was never betrayed,but they saw something destroying me from the inside out. I was carrying an enormous work load which had to be God because looking back im truly amazed.
Long story short someone who was very close to me who had figured it all out,and had actually followed me around for awhile,clued everyone in.
Some were angry,some were concerned,some thought I was on drugs,and relieved when they found out no it was not that.and one guy said something so profound it stopped me dead in my tracks. It was my fault-now Rembert I told them I would be open for them to be honest- so I enquired,really please explain how’s that?
First- I failed to see that I had built an image of this person from what I had seen and with time the friendship that had been cultivated was already a deception,I just couldn’t see it because it was in a controlled environment, that trust I had was then taken out of the controlled environment into society- a new place yet a familiar face(13 years in a modern day convent) being in society is an adjustment that’s really a trip to say the least.
We were taught to give unconditionally,trust,love ( not that that’s bad)my second mistake- I ignored my intuition, when things didn’t make sense,I let that person take the lead early on,in didn’t enforce any boundaries on them and made everything to easy,when they needed money I gave it,support I stopped what I was doing and gave to them,when he stumbled and lies got exposed I forgave, I began to be pulled from my support system,further weakening myself. Finally when the game had drained me almost completely, and he walked away,I stood continuing to be his friend,his car got repossessed I bought him a new one,regardless of the neglect to my own life. I never gave up-when it came to the end and I had sacrificed everything. He walked away, my final mistake this man told me was when that guy dumped you 3days before Christmas like an empty can- you let him back in,only this time you’re different you’re mad as heck,and we all could see it you turned into a battle axe,but you had grown. Now you just got to heal.I looked at this man completely speechless, because those words stung but they were true. His final statement to me was “now you have to learn and change all those things you see in yourself that you despise,strengthen the weak areas that left you wide open for this” Most of all stop being mad- animals do what’s in their nature. You control the door- don’t let them in.Hello Kenya,
I looked up the book title as you suggested,however; I found several, who’s the author?
I did do some research on the narcissistic personality disorder, it’s scary but really sad because these individuals are being formed from childhood before they even have a chance to see what life is all about. It’s even more sad to see it written that this particular disorder is incurable.
It does explain a lot of the things that I witnessed first hand, and wow I so wish I had been aware of this a very long time ago.Never the less it’s all said and done now.
Now it’s time to build a strong healthy foundation, so that even in the daily interactions with people we all walk away on a positive note. Again I’d love to read the book,but need the authors name.
Thank you both for your encouragement as well as insight, I truly appreciate you.Hello Kenya,
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I’m not feeling much like a warrior right about now more like a speed bump. I know it’s one day at a time right now,because when a person spends so much time wrapped so tight for so long that shifting to another change takes a minute to transition into.
I haven’t quite reached that point where you can stop holding your breath so to speak,however I know it will come and I’ll be thankful to be OK being OK.
So once again the self-esteem building modules come out and the effective communicate exercises.I’m amazed at how some bad decisions can take people down such a path, I can’t speak for him but I know if i compounded any damage already done to this person in their past I truly have not desired to.
He did come by to get the last of his things and seems happy and excited for whatever he’s got going on,I truly wish him the very best.
I simply desire to live my life well,and I have a lot of areas to work on.
Thank you again I’ll be checking in and learning from everyone in here and will be praying for the new romances.Hello Kenya and Heidi,
I appreciate you all’soon encouragementioned and insight and have acted on it. I actually spoke with an officer in regards to my living arrangements and was told that I would have to go through the process of eviction since we had been intimate and he receives mail here. After pondering this is I resigned myself to “suckin” it up once more and saying OK Lord if that’s what’s right I’ll do it.
That night sent a text saying he’d be late going to see a sick cousin,I work in a field that causes me to be all over the city just to clarify what I’m about to say, coincidently there was a major function going on locally I guess his sick cousin was feeling better or something because myself and 2 coworkers watched as he and her entered the gates. I wanted to throw up, but held my composure and sent a text saying have a good time. I went home and yes cried my guts out then cleaned my house. He came home late and right away started with the sarcasm of what I meant with the text,I told him there was nothing implied due to the fact of really not knowing what the circumstance was in his life as he hadn’t allowed me to .
The tension started to build so I went in another room to gain composure because I am a brutally honest person and don’t have an issue confronting a person and telling everything,up to this point that has been my biggest self inflicted down fall because when you go to a gunfight so to speak and give the enemy your ammunition you may as well have just shot yourself to begin with! I’ve always been open with him up to now so he’s been able to adjust his actions and this nightmare game has Co tinted for almost 2 years. I’ve continued to be his friend his support genuinely hoping one day the light bulb would go on or something would break through that stone heart, and the man he projects would actually come to life. His public presentation is one of a comsiderate,well groomed thoughtful person- it’s what’s standing behind that facade that’s heart shattering.
Long story short I evaded any more interaction and went to bed,apartments permeate so much sound when you’re trying so hard not to “hear” anything,they spent another hour on the phone and I almost smothered myself with my own pillow wrapping it around my ears.
The next day I was off and had gone grocery shopping,and money’s tight for me right now due to the fact that I solely foot all of the bills,last month 600.00 in groceries lasted 2 weeks.Which bothered me because there’s been no effort at all on his part to even take the trash out,all of which I gave up on getting mad about I just got into the habit of doing it all myself while still spending even more energy to go through other relationship building courses,communication courses, self esteem course just to make every effort to address myself in all of this as well. After going to the store I broke down and called him asking get if he was at my house, I already knew he was because I have a security system in my house, he was playing loud and clear on the audio. He said no that he wouldn’t be home until much later. I said OK and hung up,something changed in me at this point I just went number. I took my grooves up and pulled the security system down and told myself not another day in this he’ll.
He came I at 11 knocking on the door and at first I wasn’t going to answer it,but then decided to stop running from this, I opened the door looked him dead in his 6ft 6 eyes and told him I really do not want you here. He stuck his foot through and to avoid any negative contact from either of us I stepped back let go of the door. He responded with can I atheist take a shower then I’ll go, I haven’t done anything to you you’re just crazy! So I flipped the switch on the system play back and he heard every word that he had spoken earlier,the ugly things that he had said about the one person who has given him money hand over first,paid for clothes and Christmas gifts for his kids while she sat at home alone without even a phone call,the very car he parades around do in I handed him when no one else would even give him a ride. Though my inside felt like I was rattling apart I kept my voice calm and told him,I will not spend one more day in this hell idly by while you run me through the dirt
to people who I’ve never even been given the opportunity to meet,most of all in front of a 9 year old child that I have taken care of since he was 8 months old your son now looks at me through eyes that I’ve never done anything to create. But to you it’s OK, because to you I’m dead and have been for a long time, I expect just been to stupid and stubborn to believe it. So take your shower do what you but get away from me please.I’m asking you.
He kept saying I don’t know what you think I’ve done to you, I went outside to get distance, he rapproached and once again I simply told him please leave, I don’t wish to argue or hear insults I just want you to go. At first he was saying I’ll leave Monday I told him no, then it was OK I’ll go after I take a shower.
He got some trash bags and grabbed some clothes,pausing at the door way saying I’ll be back to get my suit for church,I didn’t say anything because there’s no words to express the magnitude of emotions I’ve been holding back. He came back for his suit and then said he’d be back for his stuff monday,Tuesday was that OK, at first I didn’t answer just nodded but it wasn’t enough is that OK or do I need to get the sheriff to come so I can get it. I looked at him so blown away once again,and told him I have never withheld anything from you,nor done anything ugly to you regardless of what’s gone on yet you come at me like that? Wow,just go you get your stuff,as he walked away he was on the phone with one of the mothers to one of his kids saying “she’s crazy” as he got into the car that I gave him he sent me a text” thank you for letting me stay at home tonight” I replied you’re welcome- I wish you the best.
He stormed out of the parking lot and tonight I buried a very dear relationship,13 years of friendship that stood through enormous changes in the church and our lives,helping him raise his son during a time that he slept with 20 other men in a men’s home. There’s a lot here, and it was hard to push all of that aside and face off with this because I never want to believe the worst in people,let alone my best friend. Looking in the mirror this has been a very long difficult road and it’s taken its toll,I’m 30 pounds under weight and I look way older than I am, I looked down on the floor and see a folded up piece of paper he dropped it’s an information sheet about getting treated for hepatitis B . Wow.
Ivery posted all this because maybe someone is reading these forums and is to afraid to really open up,as well as create an accountability for myself since there is now none around me to witness anything. Heverything has his family and friends who know only what he’s told them,everyone in my life was alienated to ” protect” our testimony when in all actuality I was being pulled out from any safety to face this alone. I pray someone learns from my mistakes, I have and I’m definitely learning about myself. I thank God you coaches have good sincere insight because I do see how a situation like this really could drive someone crazy. Now I understand why his ex’s drink. I don’t do all that I’d rather meet life head on and learn to adapt and change for the betterment of myself and those around me. This world is a good place we’re just to blind to appreciate it sometimes. I was.
Thanks againHello Heidi,
Thank you for your words of encouragement,I truly appreciate them as well as your insight. Some days I’m totally OK with it all and some days I’m messed up. Accepting a situation in life is definitely not being healed from it. I’ve found that to be so frustrating,because I still feel so much about it. The impact this has had at times feels like ocean waves,just when you think it’s OK to step out onto the beach another wave breaks.
The field I work in is comprised of men and even though it’s kinda flattering that I get invitations everyday to go out. Everything inside me just tightens up and I feel sick. Yet he’s already moved onto the next one that he had lined up in the wings. There’s got to be something I’m missing here because it just seems like I shouldn’t still be so hurt over this,it seems to be a pointless waste of time and energy.Thank you for your response Kenya,
I’ve taken your advice and actually went out to dinner with friends lastnight,it all feels so weird now because when a person has been a part of your life for so many years in some facet their absence is noticeable. I even attended a different church. It’s like I’m starting all over again,some of my coworkers are already expressing interest but I’m just not there,are there phases a person goes through after something like this?
Accepting the fact that this mess was over before it even started has been kind of rough at first,but I’ve refused to given into the self destructive thoughts of inadequacy,no I’m far from perfect and have issues to deal with.Now I don’t trust and that’s huge for any relationship. I have zero interest in dating right now even though everyone keeps trying to convince me that’s what I should do. Isn’t it OK to be OK with being single? At least for awhile? I’m not old but not young either so I know that clock is ticking away ( after a certain age you’re less likely to ever get married) or is that a myth?HI Yemima,
Heidi has some golden advice,pay attention to those red flags and respond regardless of what you may be “feeling” because if you don’t, you have no idea what type of thing you may find yourself in.
Good luck, I hope it all works out
MSorry, what motivates a man like this? Am I just so blind that this type of behavior is both accepted and common now days?
No family and friends were alienated when this began due to him stressing secrecy in an effort to protect our”testimony” within our church,which he soon left and moved into a new hunting ground.That sounds hateful but it’s really not intended to be.He was deeply trusted by our pastor and many others because of the position he held,and I can see him working his way in the new one as well. It just makes me sad. This world is already so full of bad that we shouldnt be the ones doing this kind of stuff.Im at fault as well,unfortunately neither one of us can change what we’ve done. I don’t understand if it’s a level of immaturity that’s causing this to impact me so much. I read and hear people say aw it’s disappointing but that’s life and just go on like nothing. I’m blown away,this was someone very close to my heart and there aren’t many.Do relationships go like thisnormslly? And do men like this ever come to a place that they actually see what they’re doing to some people? He’s got people in his life that he treats well and the mother’s of his numerous kids still talk to him as though they’re still married even though they themselves are in relationships? Is this normal?
