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Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your response! Your question for me is really thought provoking!
But I don’t know what to do actually. Just like you said, if I disconnect now, it will exactly feel like a breakup. We’ve only started going out for two months… Most of the time we connect and feel very nice. What I know for sure is: I don’t want to lose him, and he doesn’t want to lose me either but we both prepare one day we might disconnect because we find someone else… Isn’t his freedom and happiness as important as mine? I’ve been thinking…
Thank you Laura for your prompt response! Thank you Lana so much for offering your perspective! I loooove this community.
Okay here’s what I notice:
1. Although he always makes promises to call me at a specific time, he rarely keeps up. He does call in a different time in that day to check in with me. Before, he texts me daily. Now we talks on the phone twice briefly in a day and that has happened twice in this week already. He also begins to suggest me to call back when he ends the convo. Honestly, I prefer calls to texts. So it works well so far. Just like Laura said, it will get better when we build the relationship intimacy, at the same time, I have to keep my expectation low.
2. I was already a happy, single gal before this relationship. I observe myself when there are several situations with him that I feel anxious. So I ask myself: Why am I anxious when he doesn’t call or text? It’s probably a trigger to my past or something? If not, I need to find time to discuss that openly with him.
I feel having a relationship with this wonderful man should make me happier, not the other way around. It gives me chance to really look into myself where I can improve, whether it’s emotional or behavior. I always enjoy self-improvement. So I’m thankful for this opportunity. Thank you all the coaches here! Also, James really teaches me well. I enjoy listening to him every now and then before I go to bed.
Thank you so much for your advice, Laura!
Usually I’d wait he texts me first and text back. Cuz sometimes I found him would take a long time to answer my text and I would have a funny feeling about it.
Yesterday he texted me late and told me he had a long day and finally laying on bed. I was already asleep.
I texted him this morning: I just think about your smile. Have a great day baby. <3
He texted back and said wish me a great day and he would call me when he got out of the meeting around 10ish.
Again, although I didn’t expect him to call, he did not call at that time either. I ended up texting him whenever he wants to call me, he can call. To be honest, I feel a bit upset whenever he said he would call at a specific time, but he would often delay in calling or forget. Should I be worried about that??? Or how should I let him know nicely that I don’t like it when he forgets his promises?
I do know he didn’t intentionally forget about me. Maybe I’m the one who needs to be more flexible.
Hi Laura & Kanya!
Update on my situation!
I got to Florida 4 days ago! Things are great. He came to listen to my speech and walked the red carpet with me. No complaint… But how do I turn into a more romantic situation since I don’t want to throw myself at him and make it another fling.
He came to support and listened to my speech and documentary showing. and we’ve been flirting but he didn’t make any move to kiss me. He did mention casually recently he’s been enjoying dating but no girlfriend yet.
He invited me to come to stay and now I’m staying in his sailboat! I didn’t want to stay in his one bedroom apartment cuz I knew it will be a bit awkward.
He’s been so generous and nice to me. I know he does like me a lot and see me like his best friend. He shared a lot of secrets and desire ms with me.
We’ve made a lot of plans to do things together while I’m staying here. Like going to explore restaurants he loves and some adventures. I’ve also promised to cook him food to pay back his hospitality. He’s genuinely excited!
I know since I’m only staying 3 months so just have to take it slow and figure out on the way as we go!
Any suggestions on mindset or strategies?
Thank you Laura and Kanya for your encouragement.
I’m ready for my trip in America! I’m feeling butterflies in my stockmach as I’m imagining him watching me from the audience when I speak at the conference!!
I have finished my story with some help and I have drawn out the ending like James suggests in Relationship Rewrite Method. It makes me happy when I’m reading the whole story. Here I’ll share the ending I wrote:
“As I’m writing this, it’s only less than two weeks till I’ll be in Florida. You’ve promised to come see me and listen to me speak at this conference in Orlando that I’ve been looking forward to.The butterflies start fluttering in my stomach as I imagine you watching me from the audience. I can’t stop thinking how good it will feel when we finally reunite and you get the chance to take me out sailing after 6 months of being apart.
I wanted to write you to also express how sorry I am for pulling away from you for so long, because you didn’t deserve my doubts and insecurities during the time when I was trying to heal my broken heart. However, after all this time I’m now feeling healthier, happier, and stronger than ever. I sincerely thank you for your influence on me. I might still have some fear in me, waiting inside myself to surface while I’m accepting many of life’s challenges, but I’m learning to let go as best as I can.
I don’t know exactly what the future holds for us. As I have been traveling by myself for 16 months till this day. I often wonder when I’ll be able to finally settle down. Yet I know that meeting you was one of the greatest gifts from God that I have ever received. I’m looking forward to my future and I can’t help but think how nice it will be if you’re not only a part of it but if you are by my side throughout it.
I often find myself imagining, us taking your sailboat and traveling around the world. I see myself continuing to do my podcasting and writing and help you start writing that book and song you have stored inside yourself. I know you live to inspire, and by living this way you have inspired me as well. I can see the picture I hold in my heart so vividly in my mind; an image of us living worry-free receiving all the graces from God, together. Seeing a future for us, of teaching people how to live an abundant lifestyle by sharing our knowledge and experiences along our journey, as one. Dreams of us saving up enough money, buying a plane and visiting even more exotic places together. Knowing that if we ever get tired of traveling, we’ll just take a break, get a house by the beach to stay in and make local friends. This would be our life; exciting, adventurous and living it to the fullest, as one.
Again I do not know exactly what the future has in store for us, be it friendship, a partnership and relationship or any other possible situation; all I do know is I can’t imagine a future without you in it, in one way or another. You have inspired me and opened up my eyes, heart and soul to so many beautiful things in life. You are not only someone I adore whole-heartedly but you are an important person in my life and I wouldn’t trade what we have had or whatever type of future we could have for anything in the world.
Thank you for being you. For crossing paths with me in life as wonderfully and beautifully as you have and I hope you have the most amazing birthday imaginable.”
—
I really feel a lot better to write out all the detail of our love story and really feel this is the man I really had a special relationship with before and I am grateful of God and this journey. I truly appreciate that I have you guys’ support! I’ll update how it goes, and I’m really excited how it unfolds since I got James’ secret weapon with me!Let me know if there’s any suggestion to this ending!
Thank you so much Laura for acknowledging my effort!
I think the reason why I was so bothered by those pictures was because of a past pain I had with my ex-husband.
My ex-husband is a very sweet and loving person. We had been with each other for seven years before I found out his secret affair with his assistant. This was a guy who I trusted and loved so much and I never thought he would cheat. My heart was broken but it was two years ago.
So the reason why I’m working so hard is deeply I know I deserve love and a commited relationship with a loyal man. However, I can notice that my assignment from the universe keep showing up. So with this guy, I’ve noticed that I had feelings like: I’m not loved, I’m not special, slim, beautiful enough. He sees me as a back-up.
All kinds of the negative emotions. Especially I found myself couldn’t trust my judgement anymore.I didn’t like that feelings… I feel I will always want to choose love and kindness to each one who shows up in my life.
Thank you for your advice and I know what to do but I wanna wait till Orlando to ask him about this woman when we actually meet up. Or shall I ask now? Although that would bother me but I really want to at least go sailing with him and sepnd some quality time no matter what that answer is.
Right now I want to sit back and just relax a bit. Keep working on the best version of myself until I won’t worry or care if there’s any competition. Also, at that time I think I will know exactly what to do.
Thank you Kanya.
I think I’ve been doing great. After 40 days of not texting, one day he wrote a very flattering message on my photo. So I reached out to say hi. I tried to flirt: How’s my favorite sailor in America?
He wrote back: How’s my favorite tv star in Japan?
And he double confirmed that he will come to Orlando to see me. Then he asked me: how long will you be back for? Will you have time to go sailing with me?
I told him: I’ll stay till June. I’m looking forward to going sailing with you.
He said: Perfect.:)
Apparently he is still very attracted to me, so my intuition is right. But when I saw his FB I still found him posting photos of him with the girl he seems to be dating. (I’m not completely sure what relationship they have…)
So that makes me feel insecure again. And wanted to give up. My question is how do I work on this insecurity?
Sometimes I can see the picture of him and I together, he’s committed.
Sometimes I see he in the end still didn’t choose me. And let me go.I’ve been telling myself the universe has his plan for us. Whatever is good, is right. But sometimes I just couldn’t seem to let go the control…. I’m a traveler and sometimes I feel I probably will never find anyone who will travel or be in a relationship with me…especially I have this plan of staying each country for three months. It looks like my dream (staying in a country for every three months) and finding a committed partner is conflicted. I don’t know if it’s right…
I’m also working on the Story technique (the RRM book #3) and prepared to give him that story on his birthday. That story really makes me smile.
Hi Laura,
Thank you for your encouragement. After a couple of times of meditation. I know how exactly I’d like to talk about this guilt. I’ll make it short and add what you recommend. I’ll say: “I remember when I said if you didn’t give me attention that I might find someone to replace you. That must have been hurtful and confusing to you. You didn’t deserve that.”
I’m starting #3 to write the stories now. I’m also incorporating some compliments and how I felt about him when we first met. Not to sure about how to write the ending though. When I’m writing, I also having some self-doubts come up… I wonder if I can set up a consult on the phone or ask one of you or James to read my stories?
It’s a really vulunrable experience to know I’m loving someone who probably won’t love me back. That’s a bit scary. I know he finds me very attractive but not the one yet. My ego comes to attact me and wants to tell me to give up. But in the past I used to settle. I don’t want to this time. I want to be able to pursue something I know that will make me happy.
I also bought a few programs that James recommends in the email. There’re different steps to follow to get an ex back. I find James’ program is really genuine but takes a lot of courage to follow. #5 is what I find the most difficult… I also have a feeling I will scare him away if I’m the one asking for the sale.
Hi Kanya,
I had read all Jame’s books and listened to it twice already. I’m now re-reading Relationship Rewrite Method (wondering why there’s no audio in that program?) the second time. And I want to share what I learned and maybe try excercising what I have learned from it.
I still have very positive images coming up in my head when I was using intuition to ask the question and meditate the outcome I want with this guy. The outcome I want is: I want to be back to his place and strengthen our friendship/relationship this time when I’m his city. I ask the question very frequently and even put it on my fridge as James requests in the RRM book. “How would I be thinking, acting, and feeling right now, if i was really enjoying the challenge of winning back my ex?” My answer has always been: I will be thinking positive thoughts, working on the best version of myself, and feeling calm.
As I’m meditating I can see things from his perspective. I understand why he wouldn’t choose me as his long term partner. His risks for choosing me involving maintaining a LDR relationship he doesn’t desire, also the pressure of keeping me in the states will result in marrying me when he isn’t ready. I do know he finds me very attractive, connected, and dependable.
He said he is coming to see me when I’m making a speech in Orlando this time when I’m back in February. So I guess if he does show up I can use this as our initial contact? We haven’t been texting since Chirstmas because later I found he’s probably dating this new girl in his town. So I’m backing off at the moment while working on the best version of myself. I have lost some weight, and been taking good care of myself.
Even if he is dating (which I guess is still not serious at this moment), it doesn’t mean that I can’t win him back this time when I’m around right? I remember one of James’s reports about how to handle competition. I need to handle it like a queen! So I decided to do everything I can this time. So I would really need your support along this journey.
James suggests, after the initial contact, I have to confess a guilt of our past relationship. Can I go this way: “After we parted in Barcelona, it was very difficult for me to wake up without you around. And I regret that I had to pull away from you so many times because of my crazy travel schedule or saying that I would probably find someone better to replace you if you didn’t give me any attention. I’m sorry, that was a stupid threat.” Can I also add “You actually have given me the best gift when you left me alone in Europe. I had found many great friends and enjoyed my stay very much in Barcelona.”
Don’t wait for his part of confession, don’t dwell and then move on to other things we both interest in or invite him to a gathering. And maybe come back
Here’s is what I learn and want to excercise in first step in the Relationship Rewrite Method. Looking forward to your feedback, thanks.
I’ve heard a lot of good things about Match.com actually. I only had an account but never really used it for dating. But 3 or 4 couples I know met there and are still in long-term and committed relationships.
I used to be on Tinder (mobile app) alot after I separated from my husband. I’ve met 20+ guys there. I was in a very casual mindset when I used it. It’s really convenient to use on your phone. You swipe left and right to get your matches.
A lot of guys I matched up there were very horny guys on there looking for sex only. So I also found it hard to look for a serious relationship there. However, I did meet several great guys on there. They took me out on dates and were very respectful. So I guess it all depends on what you want but I still find people who use Tinder are looking for something more casual than other dating sites I know.
Hi Kanya,
Thank you so much for your support. I feel a lot better now. I re-read the report of “The Art of Abundance Dating” and gained some insight. I’m also learning the course “Feminine Intuition”….It’s a bit difficult for me to comprehend but I tried to listen to the second time now. I am so passionate about learning all this stuff. Hopefully, one day I can use this knowledge to help other women. I wish I had known James when I was married. My ex-husband was a very loving and nice person. Although, he ended up cheating on me, I was not making our marriage right so I lost it. After reading all these materials, I am more confident that I can create beautiful relationships with the men I meet in the future.
However, I have trouble telling what my intuition or analytical thoughts are…I hope you can help me identify.
My analytical mind is telling me this is over when I saw he with his new girlfriend. And then I wonder if it was my intuition or just a positive perspective (still analytical) telling me that “he was lonely. I wasn’t replaced because we had something special. Just back off for a while and let him enjoy what he has now.”
When I did what James advice, imagine his lean arms and the scent of his shirt. I also imagine the picture of me going sailing with him…I feel so calm because I knew I did have a very special relationship with this man. He does find me attractive and will do what he can to make me feel happy when I’m with him. So I can relax no matter what happens. Also in the process, I can gradually let go the desire of wanting his face to be in that picture. It might be another really attractive man who has all the qualities I desire….So is this intuition working? Or is it just a fantasy I’m working on??
Hi my heart is sinking and aching now.
Apparently he’s already moved on and found a new relationship. I saw a photo of him holding a girl really tightly on new year’s day and he even tagged her on the facebook which he never did to our photos. He looks extremely happy though. I don’t know why he would ask me to stay with him when I go back to his city. I feel so foolish that I was thinking about him so much. And was visualizing this time when I go back, it will all be different. Apparently, it was just all in my head. I shouldn’t have thought that it was meant to have anything. I’m not living in the same country as him anyways…. I feel sad and I don’t want my work to be in vain…. What do I do now? (cry)
Hi Leah，
I read your message and I feel fo you! I had a guy ghosted on me and that really bummed me out. However, I understand he wasn’t ready let’s why he had to just disappear and went to the men cave. Still we women may think, common, man up, and show some respect!
Well, I was sad and I moved on and then I met better people. When you clear the space for someone better and also improve yourself, more quality people show up. And from your message I really think you absolutely don’t deserve the treatment. However, I believe you’re also very understanding. I think holiday time is even more difficult for him regarding his recent loss…. man, that is tough. Imagine he going through FB and found out his ex has moved on and is so happy spending xmas time with his family-suppose-to-be…… aikes
With love and good luck!
Thank you Kanya for your advice. It’s given me a really refreshing perspective.
I’m reading the “Men’s Secret Obsession” and I am very inspired. I’ve always been really interested in communication and psychology. James has a very distinctive ways to help women communicate with their men. I love it. I’ve tried a few techniques and they work like a charm.
I’ve been suffering with low self-esteem for a long time. I was sexually assaulted when I was young and two years ago I witnessed a sex video between my ex-husband and his assistant in my bed. That almost wrecked me but I survived. I’m looking forward to how this new relationship will unfold, and make use of the opportunity to improve myself and my conversations with the romantic partner.
Thank you so much!!!
BTW, he also compliments me a lot when we do texts, he often said, I’m an inspiring and wonderful person. Everyone loves me. His family are my big fans. Recently he said it makes him feel good when he makes me feel good. Things like that which often make me blush. However, He never said he misses me or his feelings towards our relationship. He often admits expressing emotions is his biggest weakness. I am also confused when I should be challenging or show him my boundaries and standard because he’s been a great and supportive friend but not a romantic partner yet.
I’m still learning the ways to flirt and building romantic intimacy which will help build a good foundation before this time I’m back.
Thank you!
