[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi and Kanya,
Thank you both so much for your encouragement and suggestions.

Would like to share this win: I had the opportunity to mention to my boss that when I feel she’s upset with me it hits me in my stomach and then I make more mistakes. I explained I was trying to work on not letting it hit my stomach. She took it very well and said she didn’t intend to come across as upset with me and to let her know when I felt that way. I approached it with “I” messages. Felt good to have a successful conversation and things have gone better.

Kanya, I do tend to use “sorry” but I intend for it to not be an apology rather “I feel bad that’s happening to you.” I guess I need to find a different way of saying that. I think I also tend to say I’m Sorry when I feel someone is upset with me or attacking me – just to calm things down. Probably could find a better way to do that as well, right? Any suggestions?

Heidi,
Thank you for the compliments. I do appreciate it. Compliments, for me, are an encouragement and motivate me to do better. Thank you for elaborating on being assertive. That helps. While I’m pretty assertive with myself, I do tend to often try to figure out how to please someone else or win their approval. I try to be something THEY want rather than focusing on who I am. I should probably stop that. I also think I figured out why I’m so scared to upset someone….. I’ve taken some serious consequences from being whipped to being fired, not because I did anything wrong, but because I didn’t please someone; I made them upset with me, I said or did something they didn’t like. So now when someone gets upset with me, I’m afraid of the consequences and being punished. Any thoughts on how to deal with that?

I liked your profile. Glad you got lots of positive responses. I did go look at a few ladies’ profiles. Pretty bland. Is this better? Is it too long?

“One good thing about being free, white and 21 is I can wake up on a weekend morning and Little Boy Blue (my car) and I can head off on any adventure we want to. And trust me, he definitely has a mind of his own! He’ll often take me places I wasn’t planning on going. We are always accompanied by my cameras as wildlife/nature photography is my passion. Often times one of my kayaks goes along as well. In the winter, my snow shoes come along. The mountains are beautiful in the summer; they are spectacular in the winter. Anywhere in the mountains is my favorite hangout. But while Little Boy Blue and I have lots of fun, I’d rather share my adventures with you.

Yes, there’s more to me than adventure. I’m emotionally healthy, honest, and confident. Like Ruth in the Bible, I’m loyal, hard-working, courageous and know how to appreciate a good man. I love being with you as you make me feel like a woman – protected and cherished. I tend to be shy and quiet, and sweet little innocent me would never dream of being a flirt. While I enjoy a good conversation, I also enjoy the deep closeness and intimacy of sharing solitude and silent communication.

I’m old-fashioned and like to take things slow and really get to know you before committing to an exclusive, serious relationship. I look for you to be the team leader and me the team player. I’m drawn to a true Christian man who is confident (opposite of arrogant), honest, happy, positive, supportive and has a good sense of humor. Did you know a smile is the sexiest thing a man can wear and a sparkle in your eye is totally irresistible?”

I don’t know how to take it if I “like” a guy and he “likes” me back but doesn’t send a message. Don’t know if he’s really interested or if he’s just being polite. I’m still getting 98% silent treatment when I message a guy. Would like to crack this on-line dating block as I’m not meeting very many eligible men in person. 🙁

Thanks again,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, I did the exercise in Man Magnet and rewrote my on-line profile. I THINK I wrote it in a more assertive way. Any comments? You people are much better at words than I am. I have to laugh. Bob Grant says he teaches his female clients that Words are for Women. LOL. 90% of the men I meet will out talk me every time!

So here’s what I came up with after re-writing my profile:

“Hi, I do better meeting someone in person, but this is a place to start, right?

I’m an emotionally healthy, happy, confident, positive Christian lady. I identify closely with the Biblical woman, Ruth – loyal, warm, caring, courageous and hard working. I’m honest and open, although I tend to be shy and quiet. And while I enjoy a good conversation, I also enjoy enjoy the deep closeness and intimacy of sharing solitude and silent communication. Animals like me. Ask me about my experiences with loons and wolves. Weekends usually find me hiking, kayaking, snowshoeing, or something else outdoors. Anywhere in the mountains is my favorite place to be. Wildlife and nature photography is my passion, so if you’re not a photographer, please respect Mother Nature and have the patience for my photography. I love exploring and adventure. My little car has seen many back, dirt roads. I enjoy traveling and seeing new places. I’d like to go to New Zealand, Patagonia, Montenegro, Iceland. Kayaking above the Arctic Circle is on my bucket list. 🙂

I’m old-fashioned and really appreciate being treated like a lady. I like to take things slow and really get to know you before committing to an exclusive, serious relationship. I look for you to be the team leader and me the team player. While I have no need to control or dominate, I won’t be controlled or dominated, either. I’m drawn to a man who is confident (opposite of arrogant), honest, happy, positive, supportive and has a good sense of humor. Did you know a smile is the sexiest thing a man can wear and a sparkle in your eye is totally irresistible?

There’s much more to me than I can share here, so if I sound like someone you’d like to get to know, send me an email. Maybe we can meet at a safe, public place. I’m also active with a few meetup groups, so that’s another place I’d be comfortable meeting you.”

Does that sound feminine yet confident and assertive? Maybe being assertive means more than standing up for myself. Maybe being assertive means more being true to myself? The church I’ve started going to has connection cards. I will write on it asking about activities for older singles and suggest maybe there be opportunity for older singles to meet after church at a coffee shop or something.

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks. Appreciate your comments – especially about the “almost” statement. LOL Sweet little innocent me didn’t think of that interpretation at all. Thank you for pointing it out. LOL. And that’s why I tend to be quiet. Things tend to come out wrong and I get in trouble.

Yes, definitely ready to re-program. Hmmmmm. Trying to think of where I could practice being assertive. LOL. I don’t have enough interaction with people to need to be assertive very often. Just work and occasional activities with meetup groups. I will let the dentist know I’d like topical anesthetic when I get my teeth cleaned. I will also ask to work 4 10s and have Friday the 23rd off. But those are things I’d normally do. I will dress up a little for the outdoor concerts. I’m drawing a total blank right now. Any specific suggestions?

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi,
Thank you both for your comments!

I haven’t heard from Martin, and I don’t plan on contacting him. I enjoyed the weekend and it gave me some hope. LOL. Yes, I would have noticed him. He was fun to be with. But I don’t see anything serious becoming of it. He lives over an hour away and he’s 20-25 years younger than me.

I do quite a bit with a couple different meetup groups here. Went to an outdoor concert last night with one of the meetup groups. Wore a long skirt and sleeveless top. Took homemade cookies, as people often take snacks to share. Got some very nice compliments. I smile, played shy and said Thank you.

Ha Ha. Right now I need to practice being assertive at work. My boss is a nice lady, but she’s high-strung and impatient. She’s easily upset and frustrated. It’s easy for me to feel under attack. It hits me in the stomach to the point where I skipped a meal last week and had nightmares Saturday night. I know Iits not me. I’ve seen her treat other people the same way and other people have agreed with me. It’s really scary being assertive with my boss!

Yes, I’ve been programmed well! Sometimes its hard for me to even know who I am. My mom tried to control me down to what I thought and felt and I was passive resistant. We have never gotten along and I basically left the family because I knew if I wanted to heal, I had to get away. So I have no family except my two boys who are grown and out of the house and live a long ways away and have their own lives. I am working on re-programming now. 🙂

So to change the subject…… When a man on a dating site asks for my email or phone number by the 2nd message, isn’t that a warning sign? I’ve typically found that indicates he’s 1) desperate, needy, possessive or 2) a scammer. What are your thoughts?

Another question: I can sometimes just pop off with off-the-wall comments. I almost did a few weeks ago. Went to a hitch store to get a special tool. The gentleman was very good looking and gave me the tool for free. He had one in the back work room. I went to pay for it but he said, “I’d be robbing you if I charged you.” I ALMOST popped off with, “You’re a sweetheart. I like your honesty. If you’re single you can come knock on my door any day!” I didn’t. Told that to a male friend and he asked why I didn’t. That REALLY surprised me. Wouldn’t a stranger freak out if I said that to him?

Thanks for the suggestions on being assertive. I will think about ways to be assertive in a positive manner and watch for ways to act assertive when appropriate. I need to get over my fear of people being unhappy with me!

Have a SUPER day tomorrow!
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

I just read Breaking the Niceness Curse. Boy, did THAT hit home!! I think I need to read that every night. I learned early in life I’d better tell my mom, who ran the family, what she wanted to hear or I’d get punished. I can remember panicking when taking a personality test in high school trying to figure out what they wanted to hear. I’ve been fired for standing up for myself and saying how I felt from being treated the way they treated me. I could sure use some help in learning how to be appropriately assertive!

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Thank you. And thanks for the encouragement! I watched that video. It was good. Not sure I totally agree with her definition of femininity. While I think that’s part of being feminine, I think there’s much more too it than that, but you’re absolutely right. I would love to work on that area. I do need to learn to think and feel like a woman. Having to live, work and survive in a man’s world has buried that part of me.

With that being said…… I had a very interesting weekend. Went kayaking with a meetup group. Got to the campsite Friday evening. Paul, the meetup lead met me as I drove around the sites looking for the group. But there was another man with him. I had no idea who he was. But it was Martin who stayed and helped me back into my camping site and the whole weekend he helped me out, paddled with me, went out of his way to make sure I felt welcome and part of the group and was taken care of. While we weren’t “joined at the hip” and he did paddle off other places, he would be back after a while to paddle with me again. It felt so natural. We worked together and teamed easily. He was always there when I needed someone. I did slip in a comment that I felt safer in the big waves with him there and thanked him. I’m guessing Martin is 20-25 years younger than me. Don’t know if he was just being his kind, out-going self or he really did enjoy my company. We were naturally paired because of the dynamics of the group, so more difficult to tell. He showed me pics of his work and some of the things he had built. I let me know I was quite impressed. He showed me his car. Again, I let him know I liked it and was impressed. He did say he would contact me and see if we’d end up at more events together. We’ll see if he follows through with contacting me. It felt good, although a little scary, to be vulnerable with him. The second day out I got sick from motion sickness and he was there with me through it. I finally decided to go back. He offered to go back with me. It worked out that another guy’s girlfriend (we were the only two women in a group of 6) went back with me. I was glad he went on with the other guys. It felt REALLY good to have someone who was just there when I needed someone without me really having to ask. Have no clue how to continue this. Right now I’ll just wait. Any suggestions? And not sure I should, with the age difference.

And, again, yes, let’s continue to work on getting me in touch with my more feminine side. I also feel I’ve pretty much rejected wrong beliefs about myself and life, but now I need to find healthy, correct beliefs and get knew ways of thinking more ingrained in my thoughts and ways of acting. Does that make sense?

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Kanya,
I’m reading through 5 Steps to Getting Lucky in Love

Step 2 – Knowing you deserve it. Here’s how I would answer the 10 questions

1. I am lovable. Yes
2. I don’t have to hide who I am to inspire a man to fall in love with me. – I learned early in life I’d best better give my mom the answer she wanted or I’d get punished. I tried for 42 years to please her, so do tend to try to figure out what pleases someone else rather than just being myself. Could use some help with this one.
3. I feel no shame about my romantic past. It’s done, over, forgotten – purposely forgotten. Only reason to look back is for lessons learned so I don’t repeat the same mistakes.
4. I’m sexually attractive – No. My mom drilled into me I was fat, had a hard face and it was a sin to look sexy. On top of that, I’m 62. On the downhill side of sexy. Although, at 62, I think I look tolerable.
5. I’m worth all the effort he puts into pursuing me. Absolutely – except no one pursues me. 🙁
6. I enjoy meeting men. Yes.
7. I’m not attached to what happens. Not exactly sure what this means. I enjoy making friends just to have friends. Have a few male friends who are just that, friends, and I do things with them.
8. I learn from everything that happens to me, even the bad stuff. Yes.
9. I trust myself to make the right choices. I certainly don’t trust myself to say the right things, but other than that, I usually make good choices. Certainly am doing better in choosing my friends.
10. Life can change overnight. Absolutely, oh, doesn’t it!

This probably shows some areas I need to work on and maybe identify part of what I’m doing wrong.
Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

At work, either the men are married or quite a bit younger than I am. I’ve become acquainted with a few men from meetup groups. Not anyone so far I’m really interested in. Got to know a few of them well enough for me to know I’m not interested. The one gentleman I would go out with again seems to have left the meetup group. He started working nights and last I heard he said he was focused on housework and job. I know he had a lot on his plate. I don’t get out very many places where I meet men and after reading that insight on introvert people, I’d say that pretty much fits me. Hard for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger and I prefer smaller groups to crowds. On-line offers the most contact, but I’ve been on and off dating sites since ’96 with no success. What I shared with you is pretty typical to how I write to men on line, but 95% of the time gets the silent treatment. I have a playful side, but its been buried for so long, I’ve kind of lost it. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I’ve tried for the last couple years to put into practice what I’ve learned from James and Bob, but its not working.

Seems like maybe on line is the best way to meet more men, so maybe start there and see if we can improve my success there? I occasionally go to a church – alone and don’t know how to meet anyone there. Maybe some help learning how to be more comfortable meeting strangers when I’m by myself? Any suggestions would be welcome.

Oh, I read Man Magnet as well. Need to read it again as I’m tired and don’t remember a whole lot from it right now. Read the one on body language. That was good.
Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
Wow. Ok. Here’s the last email to someone on Match. He had told me about his business and asked me to share a little about me.

Hi, Efren,
So what do you do as a licensed soccer agent? I know what soccer is, but don’t know what an agent does. My idea is that you would look for players for different teams? Do you put in a lot of hours or do you have time off during the week? And good for you for being successful with your own business. I really admire someone successful at their own business. I enjoy watching soccer…. and playing, although I’m not near as good as I used to be. 🙂

(soft smile) I’m not good at talking about myself. Is there anything you’d like to know? I’m often quiet and shy, but I’m also open, caring, affectionate and loyal. I’ve been single since ’96. Raised my two boys alone and ’02 till just this last Feb I averaged well over 50 hours a week to support them. I’m home in Calgary now and working more sane hours. 🙂 I love being outdoors and in the mountains. Do a lot of hiking and kayaking. I grew up roaming the hills and woods alone since I was 5 so while I enjoy being with people, I also end up doing things alone.

Do you kayak or do any hiking?
Smiles,
Rhonda

He has blocked me. All his conversations are gone. His pic and profile are gone. What did I say wrong?

I do tend to be more serious than flirtly, although some times I can be a bit of a tease. I could use help in developing that. I also read the article an introverts Fits me to a T. I had used Slade Shaw’s lessons on how to build a profile. Minimal results. I saw some tips in the introvert article and will work on revisions.

Thanks,
RHonda

[Rhonda R]

Thank you, Kanya, for your response and suggestions. I, uh, I’ve read some of James’s courses. I started with his Be Irresistible on how men feel respect. I’ve read many of Bob Grant’s courses, including Women Men Adore. I actually love being treated like a lady and always smile and say Thanks when a man does something small for me. And while I get smiles and applying these things at work have made it easy to work with men, it so far hasn’t worked well in my personal life. Don’t know why. I see there are some articles that I should read that would reinforce what I’ve learned and maybe help me get it from mind to hand – from knowing to doing. Ha. The few times I’ve asked for help have failed miserably. What are things I can ask a man to help with very early on when we’re just getting acquainted and how can I apply these principles to on-line dating? How can I apply these in writing so a man will ask to meet me. I often see men on line that I’d be interested in getting to know and meeting, but they usually ghost me and don’t respond to me, or maybe write once and that’s it. Would it be ok to say something like, …. Are you this open in person? Are you this easy to talk to in person? How do I get from a Like to asking to meet me?

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
I just lost my whole response. 🙁 So guess I’ll try again.

Thank you for the encouragement. Nice to know there’s always hope, and congrats on your success! I’m sure it feels good to attract good men! LOL. I do have one disadvantage over you, though. I’m 62 and that does make a difference.

That’s an interesting thought, to view others as a mirror. I think that might take some practice. I will try to be conscious that perspective and remember to view their actions as a mirror. Might help me understand how I’m coming across. To answer your questions,

1) No, I don’t generally ghost people. 99% of the time I will respond with sending a smile back or a quick Thanks for the flirt, have a nice day. If I’m interested, I’ll send an email commenting on something in their profile and/or asking questions. 90% of the time there’s no response. I have gotten to where I can tell a man, “I’m sorry. I don’t think we’re a good match”, which is quite the improvement. I’m am not good at all at standing up for myself, although I think I’ve improved. I don’t know how to stand up for myself in a positive, successful way. 🙂 I don’t have money for a trauma counselor – nor the time. I’m just paying off a son’s school loans and still have one in college. I have taken some of James’ courses and several of Bob Grants, along with some other relationship counselors. I think I’m authentic, but don’t know how I come across. I may avoid what needs to be said. I will often back off then go think how to approach the situation in a positive way. I think I often over-due it and get too serious. But I refuse to be negative and accusing and I refuse to get drawn into a fight.

2) Long ago I started purposely choosing to be around people who are positive, supportive and know how to get along with people. I’ve tried to watch them and learn from them. Some progress. 🙂 I have also consciously rejected those beliefs I grew up with and am working on replacing them with healthier ones. I don’t know that I think I’m unlovable. I actually think I’m a good catch, but obviously the men don’t agree and I’m not sure why. I will sometimes tell myself out loud, “I’m a wonderful person that everyone likes.” and that does change my attitude. Sometimes I imagine myself as a big, huggable teddy bear. LOL. However I highly suspect I’m sending signals I don’t realize I’m sending. I know I am awkward at conversation. I tend to not talk about myself. I’ll ask questions and let the man talk about himself. Some of the relationship materials are telling me that’s not the right thing to do and doesn’t attract the right man. I don’t know. I used to view talking about myself as being selfish. I also think I keep the conversation on a surface level. Or then again, maybe some of the questions I’m asking are too personal. Dunno. While I don’t view myself as an unlovable, unworthy person, I definitely am not attracting the right men and I don’t know why.

I shared with you just the pain and hurt. Something I rarely, rarely share any more. I don’t dwell on the past. The only reason to look back is for lessons learned. I focus on the now and the future and try to focus on positive things and relate in a more positive way. That’s one reason I don’t like to talk about myself. Most of my past is negative and I want to forget it. I have purposely tried to forget much of my past and rebuild a positive now and future. So while I’ve rejected hurtful beliefs and poor relationship patterns, I guess I’m not learning new, successful relationship patterns quickly enough. My mom actually apologized to me a few months ago. I accepted the apology and I’m not bitter. Both my parents grew up in abusive, totally dysfunctional homes and I know they thought they were doing their best. That doesn’t change the damage in me, though, and my challenge is to learn new relationship patterns.

May I run another thought past you? I have lived, worked and survived quite successfully in a man’s world my whole life. Had to go to work at 14. Worked part of my way through boarding high school and through college. Supported both men I was married to and supported both boys, putting them through college. I have had to become very self-sufficient and be in control of life in general. My first ex flat out told me i had to take care of myself. He wasn’t going to. So I’m wondering if I’m coming across as a man rather than a woman. I have not had the privilege of being a woman – letting someone else be strong, letting them be the provider and protector. Both men I was married to refused to do that. With the 2nd man, I was nothing but a slave in the relationship to take care of him. I’ve been told on many occasions I’m too independent. I also have withdrawn from family. They are not supportive and I refuse to be treated like that any more. Saying anything to them only brings stronger criticism and manipulative accusations. I’m always wrong and they’re always right. While
I try to honor God by still respecting parents and aunts/uncles, I have also learned to keep at a distance and keep the conversation surface level. I’ve learned to be very self-sufficient to survive. Never had anyone I could trust, count on or depend on. I’m wondering if I unknowingly am sending those signals that I don’t need anyone. Dunno. I’m happy, positive and enjoying live. Trying to learn new relationship patterns, but seem to still be doing something wrong and not quite sure what it is.

And again, I’ve talked way more than I usually do. Thanks for listening.

Cheers,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Thank you. I didn’t receive a notice there was a response to my post so am a little late. LOL. You asked a lot of questions. Let me see if I can answer them.

Yes, I do have a problem keeping a conversation going. While I enjoy conversation, I also enjoy being with someone I can be comfortable with in silence. There’s more to communication than just words. But initially, its better to use verbal communication augmented by body language. I am not the best at verbal communication. I definitely do not know how to get communication going on dating sites! 99% of my messages are ignored.

In the meetup groups – depends on the activity and who’s there. The last several I’ve gone on, I’ve interacted ok. I don’t hang in the corner by myself. I do tend to react more than initiate. I also tend to engage in surface level conversation only and I can feel the walls. If I feel the walls, I’m pretty sure others can as well. I have a feeling I’m giving off this vibe that says people aren’t to get too close.

Oh, wow. Absolutely there’s fear. I grew up in a very negative environment. My mom kept telling me I was fat and would never find a good man. I could never please her. I cannot remember one compliment or positive word from her till I was 18 and I had to go digging for that. My dad was the principal at the small 1-9 school I went to. I got top grades. It was the 70s and I wasn’t allowed to dress like the other girls and was not allowed to listen to the music all the other kids were listening too. Consequently I wasn’t accepted and was bullied. My mom would tell me it was my fault. If I were a better person, the kids would treat me better. So I internalized that I deserved to be bullied and it was my fault I was bullied. No self esteem or self worth at all. How do you get out of a bad relationship if its your fault the guy is treating you bad? Growing up in a conservative Christian home, I also was taught it was better to give than to receive. If I received, that was selfish and therefore a sin and therefore I wasn’t going to heaven. Consequently I allowed myself to get involved in 2 very abusive marriages. Both pure hell. While I wasn’t physically abused, I supported both men and was pretty much nothing but a slave and maid. They were both very verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive, and like my mom, ran me down.

After getting out of the 2nd marriage (1996), I sat myself down and asked myself why this was happening. I also realized I had to get away from what got me to that position and what was keeping me there – my mom, who still continued to cut me down as an adult. So I gave up on trying to please her and put a large distance, physically, mentally, emotionally between my and the rest of my family. My parents spent no time with my two boys and my mom lit into me on a couple occasions and told me what a horrible rotten mom I was. On one of those occasions I just looked at her and said calmly and firmly, I will NEVER raise my boys the way you raised me. And I turned around and walked away. My boys are very fine young men. Neither started drinking, smoking or doing drugs even though we lived in the meth capital of the state. One is married and working at a good job in Phoenix and the other is in college in Fargo, ND. I am very proud of both of them.

On rare occasion I do come across a man I feel relaxed and comfortable and safe (emotionally) around, but those men are few and far between.

How have my dates gone? The few dates I’ve had in the last few months have gone ok. One man I still see riding to work on the train and do talk with him, but I’ve written him off as a potential partner as he has shown no initiative to join me in my outdoor activities and I’ve picked up a negative, critical attitude and I won’t deal with that again. Had a couple dates with a nice gentleman a year or so ago. He said we’d continue to talk and he’d write me (I was working out of town at the time) and then he disappeared. No clue why or what happened. The last date I had went well, but then he disappeared as well. He started working nights and had several other things going on, like studying to take medical exams and finding different work. I think he dropped out of the meetup group. Told me in his last email he was focused on work and things at the house. I would have gone out with him again if he wasn’t so busy. He was in his 50s I’d guess and had never been married. Another date with a very nice man also went well, but he’s still got major issues with his ex. He and his ex own a business together, making it very difficult for a divorce to go through. Have another friend I’ve had a very casual date with, and am still friends with and do things with, but have written him off as a potential partner as he tends to buy old junk cars and I’ve got the impression he doesn’t manage money very well.

So. LOL Now that you know my life history, do you think there’s hope?

Thanks!
Rhonda

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