[Rhonda R]

🙂 Thanks, Heidi, I didn’t mean I’d hide it away, but rather I’d put it in a place where I would always keep it and it would be safe and I would always have it. I meant to communicate that what you said is something I will always treasure and hang on to. Not sure I communicated that very well.

Have a super weekend. My oldest and his wife fly in this morning, so gotta run. Will be a whirlwind 2 days.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me. I will tuck what you said away in a special place in my mind.

You have a great weekend!
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi and Kanya,
Again, some excellent ideas. Thank you. From what Rod has told me, he grew up in a very negative environment. My guess is that’s the way he grew up and he doesn’t know anything different. I also suspect he doesn’t have the highest self-esteem as he keeps talking like he’s better than everyone else. I will try to get him to say something positive every day. I will also try to remember to imagine God’s love filling me up like sunshine. Rod wasn’t on the train this morning. Don’t know where he was. So got to talk with Lloyd the whole way. Lloyd is the 70-year-old I just met a few days ago. Always positive, always smiling, always looking on the bright side. Like Aregenes, he’s been through a lot, but still positive. Lloyd is native American, or aboriginal. But somehow he’s gone way beyond the racism. Very interesting man.

Gotta go. Lots to do tonight.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
You always have such good thoughts. No, this isn’t the Venezuelan guy. Aregenes, I’m sure has been through hell, but was always smiling, always positive. Aregenes was a criminal lawyer/judge in Venezuela. But now there’s a dictator there now. He’s a janitor here. He said he can’t go home, so I can only imagine what he’s been through. His work moved him to another part of the city, so I don’t see him any more. 🙁 Would have liked to hear his story.

I will try your suggestion of countering Rod’s negative comments with positive ones. He’s a contractor and his contract is up in December. He said he isn’t going to renew it, so I probably won’t see him much if at all, after December. I feel for him with his wife being gone, but ….. The walls go up and I’m immediately on the defensive and on guard as soon as I get around him.

Have a SUPER day tomorrow!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Thank you, Kanya,
🙂 Part of it is I’m feeling better and sleeping better. I was in pretty bad condition at least mentally and emotionally and it was starting to tell on me physically when I got back from Ohio last Feb. I’m still not up to par, but am feeling better. Not as depressed as I was.

I do need some advice or suggestions, though….. Rod, my train buddy, is driving me up a wall. His wife died in Feb. We met in March. He wanted to start dating right away. I told him I didn’t know him well enough but we could see what happens. Sure glad I didn’t start dating him! Yikes! I don’t think he has a good word to say about anything or anybody. Complains about work, talks down the city, talks down his dad. Today he really bad-mouthed Dream Center, a Christian organization that helps alcoholics and drug addicts. Just a negative outlook on life. Blames the doctor for killing his wife. I about lit into him today and got a bit sharp with him, but I kept my mouth shut. I need to find a way to bring it up without being sharp. Makes me wonder what he says about me! I also noticed when I get on the train, he’s usually not smiling. More of a scowl. He’s talking going to Australia and NZ for a month or so in Jan. It will be nice not to have to deal with his attitude. Aren’t I terrible! Any suggestions how to say something without being negative and sharp myself?

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Thanks to both of you!

Heidi, thank you. I like your suggestion. I will just let it sit. I think we will get together again after I get back from Houston. I still want to see his NZ pics. But I won’t pursue it. Like you, just let it sit and enjoy it when its there.

Had a good day. There’s another gentleman at the train I’ve started talking with. He’s got a warm smile and positive vibe. Friday I was talking with him then turned to Rod when I got on the train. (Been riding train with Rod since March and he expects me to talk with him.) I told my new friend today I didn’t mean to be rude Friday. Then we started talking. He said he already realized Rod was a train buddy. I worked in a couple compliments on his warm smile and positive personality. He said that was his gift for today and I inspired him. He’s 70 and still teaching golf. 🙂 Then the homeless man I’ve been talking with told me again I’m his bright spot in his day. So nice to know I brightened the day for 2 people.

Gotta run. I will write again when I can.
You both have a wonderful couple weeks!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
LOL. Thanks. I really didn’t mean that negatively. Yes, I will see him again and yes, I think we’ll end up being good friends. The reason I asked what was wrong with me is I can feel it would be easy for me to fall for him. My mind says there are too many deal breakers, but oh, I did enjoy the evening, and yes, we do understand each other well. There was a moment when he was telling me how low he had gotten at one point and how he felt. I looked him in the eyes and said, “I understand” and I knew he knew I meant it. He knew I truly understood him when others wouldn’t. He said something to the effect that no one understands unless they’ve been there. But I feel like I’m playing with fire. I’m pretty confident in what I’m looking for, and he’s not it. So, ……

Thanks again, Kanya. I’ve got a busy 3 weeks coming up. My oldest boy and his wife are coming up this weekend and will be here through Tuesday. Next weekend I have the Center Street Christian Singles weekend and I leave Sunday, the 3rd for Houston for 2 weeks, so I may not be on here much for the next 3 weeks.

Have a wonderful week!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
LOL. LOVE your technique for dealing with abusive, negative people. What a wonderful idea. Thanks for sharing that.

So cool your neighbor asked you to go riding with her. Have you done much riding since? Horses will bond with you just as close or closer than a dog. They are awesome friends and intelligent animals with so much emotion and personality.

Heidi, would you please tell me what’s wrong with me! I think I told you I had a date tonight. 2 1/2 hours of non-stop talk. We share the same career, both worked in oil and gas so understand the travel, working away from home, the long hours. He had a somewhat similar experience with parents, maybe his wasn’t so negative, just not there. He’s got the most magnetic smile and sparkle in his eyes, yet he’s been through hell. I have no reason not to believe what he said he’s been through. BUT, and this is a huge BUT….. he told me he smokes, he also drinks, and from our conversation tonight, he says he tries to be a good person, but I don’t think he’s a Christian. All deal breakers for me. And yet when we left I told him to call me again. What the hey is wrong with me. Three deal breakers and I’m telling him to call me again and I’d go out with him again if he asks. What is wrong with me!? Yikes! Brad said he’d call me again in 3 weeks when I get back from Houston. We’ll see. But it was fun tonight. Never any thought crossing my mind that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t attractive. And he said he’d call me again. I really should stay away.

Anyway, it’s late and I need to run. Thanks again for all the encouragement. I will definitely try to remember your technique. LOL. I can just see someone cutting me down and I just start laughing as I visualize things flying past my face!

Have a super day tomorrow,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
(soft smile) Totally understand trying to take care of people and being taught its selfish to focus on what you need. Totally understand that. I was taught it was better to give than to receive, so somehow picked up that it was selfish to receive and therefore a sin. Got me into a lot of bad situations. I finally came to realize that receiving graciously was giving the other person the opportunity to feel that they’ve helped someone and to feel appreciated. Also came to realize that giving all the time eventually left me empty with nothing to give. My guess is you can relate?

When my boss is mean, I say to myself, “I am intelligent, I am competent and a good worker. She must be having a bad day.” LOL. Or at least that’s what I try to say. I also tell myself to go do something fun like a walk or something physical then get some sleep and I’ll feel better in the morning. I tell myself I can’t buy her message and tell myself positive things.

I feel bad about myself when I make mistakes. There’s a lot of fear of being “punished” for making mistakes. It’s not safe for me to make mistakes. I also tend to feel bad about myself when I’m tired. I feel bad about myself when I let someone down. But I find much of the time when I’m down and feel bad about myself its because I’m tired/exhausted. But I’m doing better. Working normal 40 hour weeks since Feb and being home where I have meetup groups to do things with and I’m back in my beloved mountains and can kayak, hike, do wildlife photography has helped. LOL. When I sit at home all day by myself I get to feeling bad, too.

Have an AWESOME weekend.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
LOL. Yes, the little girl does pop up and take over sometimes. I find how much she is in control is in direct correlation to how tired I am! I’ve known for a long time there’s a strong and direct correlation between how tired/exhausted I am and my emotional state.

You’re right. The little girl is – or WAS – uncomfortable being treated well. I turned down a couple of really nice guys in college because they treated me well and it made me uncomfortable. 🙂 I realized what was happening many years later. No longer true. I LOVE being treated well. Love being with a man who is a gentleman who treats me like a lady and makes me feel like a woman.

This job certainly isn’t the worst I’ve been on. My boss can be nice sometimes. This morning she was quite nice. I just started this job in February and not in a position where I can leave. Contract is through 2020 and I’m guessing it will be extended into 2021. I’ve got to use this as an opportunity to grow. I’m not the only one she treats that way. I think it depends on how stressed she is, and maybe like me, how tired she is. Like I kept telling my boys when they were bullied and treated badly – First, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. However, you can’t control how other people treat you. How they treat you is a reflection on them, not on you. The only thing you can control is how you choose to respond and react.

I also remember something Bob Grant said in one of his lessons – react to those false messages just like you’d react if someone told you you were 10′ tall.

Date with Brad is Sunday at 4 at Boston Pizza. He’s bringing a memory stick with his NZ pics. Should be fun. Casual date, but that’s perfect. Saturday I’m kayaking with Alberta Fun Paddlers then signed up for Dinner Before Games and then Board Games Night with Calgary Christian Singles. Probably should cancel dinner as I don’t know if I’ll be back in time from kayaking.

No, we hadn’t talked about EMDR and brain spotting. Interesting concepts. I did a 2 hour horseback ride this summer. Reminded me what wonderful therapy riding and training is. Working with horses is the best stress relief and awesome emotional therapy. I had horses for over 20 years and raised and trained 2 fillies. I had to sell them, uh, in 2004. Just couldn’t keep them being a single mom working over 50 hour weeks. Also, working in oil and gas, I moved frequently, so just couldn’t keep them. I think it would be very good for me to get back to working with horses, but I don’t know anyone who has horses, so…. 🙁 Really appreciated the guide I rode with this summer. I was the only one on the ride, so he was very nice and went off trail and let me do some REAL riding. Felt AWESOME! LOL. I gave him a $20 tip for his college fund.

Heidi, thanks again for all your support. All your positive compliments give me encouragement and motivation to continue on.

Have a SUPER day tomorrow!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi and Kanya,
Thank you both for your feedback. I did not realize I was saying negative things or coming across negatively. Mentally I know I’m a good catch and a really nice person, but emotionally I struggle with it. I did not hear one compliment, not one thing positive, from my mom until I was 18 and I had to go digging for that. EVERYTHING I grew up with was negative. I also blamed for everything. My sister could do no wrong, but I was often in trouble. Whipped for a problem my sister caused. Whipped for telling the truth because it wasn’t the “right” answer and wasn’t what my mom wanted to hear. Grades 5-9 my dad was a principal of a small parochial school. I was not allowed to dress like the other kids (late 60s, so shorter skirts and pants starting to come in), not allowed to listen to the music (soft rock) of the time and I got top grades. So three guesses who well I was accepted by the other students. When I’d come home feeling bad from being bullied and treated bad at school my mom would tell me it was my fault. If I were a nicer person the kids wouldn’t treat me that way. So I internalized I was a bad person no one could like and when I was abused it was my fault. So when I got into abusive relationships I didn’t have the power to get out till I hit rock bottom. Believing I caused the abuse was a horrible, horrible trap. Then when my first engagement broke up my mom told me God was punishing me for going to college out in CA instead of going to college in MI where she wanted me to go. Spent 42 years trying desperately to win my mom’s approval. Never succeeded, so I finally walked away.

I’m glad you pointed out that I was saying negative things because I wasn’t aware that was how I was coming across. I will try to be more aware of what I’m saying. Right now I’m struggling as my boss is similar to my mom. Critical and cutting. She cuts me down and talks to me like I’m stupid and incompetent because I can’t read her mind. So that’s not helping, either.

I was also not aware how poetic I was coming across and how men don’t respond to that kind of flirting. Definitely did not think of it coming across like I was wanting to immediately jump into a relationship or get married. So again, thanks for the feedback. LOL. Ok, I think I can change that.

Looks like I have a date with Brad Sunday and Dean said we’d catch up again at another meetup. He messaged me again today. I think I’ll just enjoy the moment with Brad. Like I said, not sure I’m interested in any kind of relationship.

Thanks again for all the feedback, support and help.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Thank you. That’s an awesome video. Really appreciated that.

Thank you again for all the encouragement. It would be nice if someone could observe me and clue me in on what messages I’m sending. I highly suspect I inadvertently send a message that I don’t need anyone, that I’m in charge of what’s going on. May also give off signals that the walls are up. That’s my guess, but don’t know how to confirm.

Had an interesting weekend. It was just me and Paul kayaking Saturday for the meetup. I asked if he was kayaking on Sunday or Monday so he asked if I wanted to do Barrier Lake Monday. We ended up not going as it was high 30s, windy and rainy. But it was nice of him to ask anyway. So ended up going for another meetup – a walk in Fish Creek Provincial Park. Met a new guy and we hit it off right away. Had lots of fun talking with him, and even though another lady also took much of his attention, it was me he approached at the end of the walk and said he’d message me on the meetup. LOL. Of course I had told him at the beginning of the walk I’d love to see his pics from New Zealand and suggested maybe we could meet somewhere to share pics. Then I dropped it. He was the one that brought it up at the end of the walk. Got a message from him tonight and he asked if I still wanted to meet, so maybe I have a date from that. We’ll see. Not sure I’m really interested. He drinks a little too much for me. But then, after Brad left, Dean, the meetup lead, stayed and talked with me for 10-15 min after everyone else left. That kind of surprised me. I messaged him suggesting an activity for zoolights coming up. He messaged back a very personal, warm, complimentary message. Don’t know if he’ll ask me for a date or not, but really don’t care. He seems like a nice man and I’ll enjoy the friendship. Don’t know that he’s as active as I am. Also put out a discussion on a meetup asking if anyone wanted to go rock climbing, skating or play squash. Got a couple responses on the squash. Hope to reserve a court next week. This week is busy for me. So, ….. nice to have some interaction, anyway.

Thanks again for the encouragement. I’m trying to attract a different kind of man than what have typically come around before. I’m sure I’ve come across more as a male role and a rescuer, so attracted the wrong kind of guy. Ha At least I’ve gotten to the place that I won’t accept that kind of treatment any more. I don’t deserve that kind of abuse and if that’s the way a guy wants to treat a woman, fine, but he can find someone else to treat that way. 🙂 Big improvement over where I was 20 years ago!

So here’s what I wrote one man…. and got the silent treatment:
Happy Thanksgiving, Wolfgang, hope you have a happy holiday.

(shy blush) Anyone told you recently you have a smile that could melt the deepest snow drift, light up the darkest night and charm any woman? There’s a kindness in your eyes that sets you apart from other men.

Since this is a holiday weekend…… what’s your favorite holiday and what is your favorite memory of that holiday?

I know I’m a bit older than you, (tease) but don’t underestimate me. I’m still very active and act younger than I am.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Smiles,
Rhonda

Have a super day tomorrow, Heidi,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good morning, Kanya,
Happy Thanksgiving! Its cool, breezy, cloudy, wet here. Was supposed to go kayaking but that got cancelled because of the weather. 39, rain and wind don’t mix well with kayaking. 🙁

Kanya, I know it may not sound like it, but my goal has always been just to socialize and make friends. Secondary goal is to find a partner. I’ve done some kayaking with one of the women from one of the meetups this summer and done some photography with another woman. I will continue to go to meetups just to socialize and make friends. Jackie’s gone to visit her daughter, but when she gets back we will probably go do some more photography. Paul’s has included me when he goes kayaking on his own outside the group, even though it is strictly just friends. He’s got a girlfriend. My goal for joining the rec center is to keep in shape, keep my weight down and keep me from going crazy with 4-wall fever this winter! With the additional dream of maybe finding someone to play squash with and make new friends and may be find someone to date. I’ll keep dreaming!

It still feels to me like there’s something about me that men are not attracted to. Not sure I can identify it, but that’s what I’m looking for help with. What is it about me that men do not see as attractive? I get very few likes out on the dating sites and 99% of the time get the silent treatment when I contact someone. In person, men will be friendly, but they don’t ask me out.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
LOL. That idea of being single for the rest of my life sounds horrible. Although I’ve come to accept it. The reason for the meetup activities is because I go absolutely crazy sitting at home doing nothing. I do a lot of kayaking and hiking whether its with a group or not. If I wasn’t hiking or kayaking with a meetup group, I’d be out hiking or kayaking by myself. I knew I wouldn’t meet any man last night but went anyway just to get out of the house. Some of the people who were going I had already met and it was just an evening to get out and talk with friends. I’ve been isolated for so long with no friends or family its nice to have people to do things with. I’m just hoping I’ll meet a special man in the process. 🙂

I can’t get to the link you sent. When I try to go there, it says the site blocked it because of security rules.

Had an awesome day on Spray Lakes. Its a mountain lake and the mountains had snow on them. Totally gorgeous. Paul decided to paddle Barrier Lake Monday (Thanksgiving), so I’ll do that instead of going for the walk. The walk’s in town here and I can do that any time. We’re getting to the end of kayaking season for this year. And, no, Paul isn’t an interest. He has a girlfriend and I don’t think I’d be interested in dating him anyway. But he is a nice guy and someone to paddle with.

Hope you’re having a great weekend.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
Thanks, Kanya, I’m looking forward to getting to the rec center. I do help sort clothes at the Mustard Seed Donation Center once a month. I stop to give snacks to a few homeless men who sit along the block between the train and my office. I also am a member of Calgary Christian Singles Meetup group. Was just out with them for coffee tonight and tomorrow I’m going kayaking with Alberta Fun Paddlers Meetup group. Just me and Paul (the meetup lead) going tomorrow. Going for a walk with Nature Lovers Monday (Thanksgiving) morning. But I’m not meeting anyone in those groups – any men who I’d be interested in. A new guy there tonight I wouldn’t mind spending some time with, but I’ll guess he’s probably 20 years younger than me. LOL. I tend to like younger men, but that might be a bit too young.

LOL. So I’ve been watching a few MAFS (Married at First Sight) weddings. It’s a social experiment, reality show. Started in Denmark. Australia is also doing a series. I think they’ve done a series in the States as well. Pretty interesting. The couples are matched by relationship experts/psychologists. What are your thoughts on something like that?

Smiles,
Rhonda

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