[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
I have been the main wage earner ever since I started working. I supported both men I was married to. Neither could hold a job. I put both of them through college without a thank you from either one. Then I supported both boys and put them through college. I am NOT going to support another man. I don’t care if he makes a LITTLE less than me, but I do not want to be the one responsible for being the main support for the family again. I do not want to be the head of the household again. No, I’m not having contradictory feelings, I’m just not getting my thoughts across well. I want someone that earns enough so that if I lose my job I don’t need to panic. I would also like someone who makes enough so I can slow down and not have to work away from home and not have to work 50 hour weeks. I want a man who will be responsible and be the head of the house so I can finally be a woman and be a lady and not have to fill a man’s shoes. Maybe I should say I want someone who will treat me like a lady and carry his share of the responsibilities. Is that better?

I have been the one initiating the contact with Bill the last couple times. I see he’s recently been on line and did not answer my last message, so I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I’m not going to waste my time. Yes, I really liked him and yes, I would have been happy to meet him and get to know him, but I’m not one to stay around when I’m not wanted. I’m not going to chase him. If he contacts me again, I will answer, but I’m not contacting him again. He’s a carpenter, builds houses and does beautiful wood work, but lost everything in his divorce and is now unemployed. I don’t know why he would say he really likes me and wishes we could talk in person and he will wait till I come home to meet then not email me or contact me. I really would be happy to continue talking with him and getting to know him, but the next move is his and I won’t cry crocodile tears if he doesn’t make it. Any suggestions?

A couple of the men from work are taking 3 of us ladies out for dinner to a nice golf club tomorrow night. I’ll actually get to dress up a little in a casual skirt. Yeah. It will be fun. Tomorrow morning I’m showing the rookery (heron and egret nesting area) to another lady I work with then we will go meet another girl up at LSU lake for a walk. Will be hot tomorrow, but still fun – if it doesn’t rain.

Have a great weekend.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks for your thoughts. First paragraph, you’re probably right. Second paragraph, I think I must have mis-communicated again. I am perfectly happy spending time alone, especially if I’m outdoors. I do not look for anyone to make me happy. I am not looking for anyone to take care of me. That is NOT my point at all. My point, or concern, not concern, but red flag? is I don’t want to take care of anyone else. I fully expect to work and put in my share but I do not want my income to be the primary income and I don’t want him to be relying on me. Maybe I didn’t explain that well enough.

Yes, things do seem to be going better with talking with gentlemen. I’m enjoying Bernie. But nothing serious will happen there. He’s 69 and in Ontario. Hearing from a couple other gentlemen regularly as well. I’m kind of puzzled, though. IM’d with one gentleman last Saturday night. He said he wanted to meet and last words were, Nite Sweetie. I emailed him as we had messaged several times and I always let him take the initiative so thought I’d send him an email for once – just a short Good morning. No response. He was on line a few nights later so chatted with him again. Again he said he really liked me and wished we could meet. I asked him to send some pics of the houses he had built. He didn’t reply but later that evening I got an email with several pics. He is very skilled and talented and does beautiful wood work as well as the houses look really nice. I sent him an email back and nothing. I guess I’m not sure why he would be quiet if he says he really likes me. I don’t think I said anything wrong or anything that would scare him away. Don’t understand his silence.

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
You’re right. I’ve known for a long time people hear something different than what I thought I said. That’s an area I need to work on, is how to communicate effectively. And I highly suspect that’s one of my issues with not attracting the quality of man I’m looking for. So other than practicing communication with someone who can give me feedback, what else can I do to improve my communication skills? Right now I’m hearing from several (5-6) gentlemen from Zoosk and getting new contacts almost every day. The one I was most interested in, I just rechecked his profile, is agnostic. :(. A couple of the others seem like really nice gentlemen, but I’m not sure of their financial status. While I know money doesn’t make happiness and isn’t a requirement for a good relationship, its a sensitive point for me. I supported both men I was married to and supported my boys. Its important to me that whoever I date is able to provide for me. I will continue to work, but really want my income to be the secondary income, not the primary. Is that bad of me? Another man is 69 (too old for me) and lives in Ontario (too far away). So while I’m enjoying talking with these men, I doubt any of them will become a serious relationship.

Went kayaking yesterday. Nice getting on the water again, but only stayed out 2 hours. It was a small area to kayak in plus it was quite hot. I don’t do well in heat. Today is 90 with 95% humidity. I will be staying in. That weather gives me a headache.

Hope you can get out and enjoy the mountains this weekend!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks. Ok. Now I can connect the dots.

Thanks for your comments on my profile. Again, its good to have feedback as again, I didn’t … obviously didn’t understand how it would come across that way or I would have never written like that. I’ve kept reading and hear how men want to be needed so didn’t think about it coming across that way. My point of saying “husband” was to show I wasn’t into living with someone or just one night stands. I will change it.

As much as I don’t like LA, it is good for me. I feel much more confident and much more relaxed. Just got word today that that Worley is getting more projects globally and the tech lead is getting overloaded. She and I team well as she does very well with sales and the high level organization. I have the opportunity to really dig into the software and learn the technical side of it. The documentation on this program is horrible, so as I’ve dug into it and learned it, I’ve been writing a series of How-To articles for her to share with the new database admins. Plus been helping getting things set up for other projects. She told me if things get too much busier, she’ll pull me off this project and I’ll help her do training and provide technical support on a global level – which means I can go home to Calgary and work from there. YES!!!! We’ll see if and when that happens. In the mean time I know I have a huge amount of support from my manager here. Also doing well interfacing with the client. Just had a meeting with the client today that went very well and he was very appreciative of offering suggestions and solutions and being willing to make their project go better. So that feels really good.

Plus….. I’m hearing regularly from Neil again and also a gentleman in BC. Also getting enough attention on Zoosk. So right now things are good. If weather is ok I’m heading to Bayou Adventures to go kayaking. What are you doing for the long weekend?
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Want to come swimming with me? Ha Ha. Humidity must be 100% here today. One of the men I was talking with said he thought, How can it be 100% humidity? That’s a lake! I just laughed. I totally agree. Plus its hot and cloudy with rain showers coming through. Not a good day to be out.

So I’m curious….. a few emails back you told me about a coach you work with and suggested I talk with her. I said it would probably be good for me to do at least one session with her but did not see any contact info come back. Next thing I know I’m getting an email from support at BeIrresistible giving me your contact info. I’m having a hard time connecting those dots.

I’m bored to death here so looked on google for the highest rated Christian dating sites. Zoosk, Christian Connection and Elite Singles came up. Had some problems getting them to show my location as Calgary, but I think that’s getting fixed. We’ll see what happens. Going out with a completely different attitude. I’m finding it tough, though, to establish a connection so far from home. Was hearing from a super nice gentleman, but he’s gone silent. My guess is he finds it difficult to write. I could tell writing was not his forte. Alberta Fun Paddlers meetup is going out every weekend now. I’m dyein! Another kayaking club had a session on Harvey Pass, which is a kayak park on the Bow there in Calgary. Calgary Nature Lovers has post many walks. Wah!!!!!!!! I want to go home!!!! On the flip side of that, work is going very well. I do have a very good team to work with and supervisors and co-workers have commented to me that I go over and beyond. A few of the men are very good at taking care of us women and I eat it up. So nice. I laughed. Walked into our “bull pen” (an open room where 5 of us work, and one of them said, “Hi, Sunshine. I thought the sun came up twice when I saw your smile.” Sarah joined our team a couple weeks ago. A few years younger than me, we have many similarities. She’s educated, confident and hard-working. She’s also very positive. I watch her and watch how she interacts with others. I’m noticing a difference in me being around positive people.

LOL. Here’s what I put out for a new profile.

I need someone to dance barefoot around the living room with. I also need a master camp chef who can turn out some killer fried potatoes and eggs over an open fire (I’m vegetarian). When I roll over in the morning and give my husband a nuzzle kiss on the neck and whisper, “Babe, its gorgeous out and the Bow is calling”, he should have the kayaks loaded within an hour while I put together some breakfast and a picnic lunch.

Hi, I’m an educated, confident lady with an appetite for fun and adventure. My faith is important to me and I volunteer when I can. If you want to spend time with me, be prepared to volunteer, spend lots of time in the mountains hiking, kayaking, horseback riding, snow shoeing and exploring back roads. Be patient and in tune with nature as I have a passion for wildlife photography. When weather isn’t good we can hit the squash court or team up for some indoor rock climbing.

Just read the email from James about vulnerability and imperfections. It was very good.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good morning, Heidi,
This site says you posted your response 20 minutes ago. You’re up early!

Thank you for sharing. I absolutely understand what you’re saying. And,… I am quite ok with my own company. This social distancing is nothing new to me. I am perfectly happy hiking, kayaking, going on trips, heading out to the back country to photograph wildlife alone. I would prefer to be alone rather than with someone who has to talk all the time and go all the time.

On the flip side of that, oh, how do I explain this…. for one thing I was taught people treated me a certain way because of how I acted. My behavior decided how I was treated. To a small extent, that is true, but to a much larger extent, that is not true. Something I need to fully unlearn. I refuse to date anyone who is dependent on me for his happiness. Further more, I do not expect a man to be the source of my happiness. Reminds me of a man on, oh, some site, who said women who say they are happy on their own don’t understand what a relationship is about. We exchanged one email and I was gone, gone, gone. No way am I going to be with someone who expects me to make him happy!

Do I know I’m fun to be with and worth getting to know? Uh, that goes up and down, usually dependent on how tired I am. I also know I do much better in a positive environment and seek out positive people to be around. Its a huge, draining fight for me to be around negative people. Also a huge, draining fight for me to be around people who are religiously behavior based … their religion is based and rated on behavior. And that’s what I grew up in. And my mother taught me I had to behave in an “appropriate” way – a socially and or religiously accepted way – whether that’s how I felt or not. I had to express feelings and thoughts that were what she felt were right and how I SHOULD express them, rather than how I truly felt. I had to figure out how to tell her what she wanted to hear or I was punished, at least once to the point of being spanked because I told her the truth and not what she felt was the “right” answer. To some extent, that was true all the way through the Adventist schools I went to. Judged and accepted for my behavior. In order to survive I had to be the person my mom (and others) wanted to be, not myself. She never liked me or accepted me for who I was. So I left! Grrrrr.

So now the challenge is to give myself the freedom to be me. And I’ll have to confess “me” is a kaleidoscope. I enjoy a very wide range of activities and there are times I can be goofy and silly (still would tease my man to chasing me around the bed and engage in a pillow fight) (still get in the middle of a water balloon fight) and I can be very serious and driven. I can enjoy a “little black dress” candlelight dinner in an expensive restaurant and be perfectly happy with fried potatoes over a campfire on a horse pack trip in the mountains. Talking and conversation is not my forte. Much of my communication is non verbal and I enjoy being with a man who is comfortable in silence.

Have a super day, Heidi. Hope its nicer there than here. Mother Nature is being quite grumpy here today.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Your comments are very interesting. You mention you also felt numbness like me. I really appreciated the reflection back to me. I’m guessing that those buried feelings of negativity surface more as walls. I could probably afford a 2-hour session with your coach. Even one session would probably help. Please send me her contact info.

LOL. Oh, Heidi, what skills do I want to learn? Everything. So from age 5-8 we lived out on a summer camp. It was just me and my sister and I roamed the woods alone. The only time other kids were around was a couple months during the summer. Age 8 we moved back to Hinsdale so I could go to the Adventist school. Sis and I were not allowed to socialize with any one who wasn’t an Adventist. Age 10 we moved to Madison where my dad was the principal. I couldn’t listen to the music the other kids were listening to, dress like them, and I got top grades. So I had no friends and was bullied quite a bit – which my mom told me was my fault. And it was totally forbidden for me to even smile at a guy. So I never learned social skills. Don’t know how to approach others, don’t know how to carry on a conversation, don’t know how to let someone close. Hmmmmmm. And then again, spent a few weeks with a gentleman that we were close enough we could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. But that lasted only a few weeks. He didn’t want to deal with young kids and mine were 6 and 9. He smoked and drank way too much for me. Plus I ended up having to move for work. But I did enjoy that closeness. I don’t know how to make a man feel wanted/needed. Don’t know how to make him feel like he wants to spend time with me. Now with that being said, last year in Calgary I did get a couple dates. Rod, I pulled away from. That wasn’t going to work for me. Mark, I’m not sure what happened with him. One date and he disappeared. I know he started working nights and the last I heard from him is he was dealing with immigration and his home issues, trying to find better work and I know he had to take medical exams as he was a doctor in Pakistan before he moved to Canada. I would have definitely gone out with him again. I know I have a buried personality that doesn’t surface too often, but I have a very flirtatious, playful, teasing, somewhat spontaneous, crazy side. But it takes a special man to bring that out of me.

Hey, I’m pretty proud of me. Remember I told you I had a friend I’ve been writing to for a few years? And things were pretty much about him. That’s been a strange friendship. Anyway, he wrote me last night that he’s talking to someone off E-Harmony and he thought things might work out. My response to him was “I hope it works out.” My reaction to me was, “Well, he just lost a good woman. His loss and his problem.” 🙂 Much better than the Poor me, what’s wrong with me I used to do. 🙂 So let me run this past you and tell me if I’m all washed up….. Dave’s wife left him and 4 kids 10-12 years ago and moved across the country to marry her highschool sweetheart. I can tell he’s still bitter about it. There’s never been any evidence he recognizes or admits he had any influence on her leaving. He raised the kids with the help of a nanny. But his ex moved back to Seattle about a year ago and the girls moved in with her. He kept telling me that the two younger girls (three girls and the youngest is a boy) didn’t like him and they pulled away from him. He worked to get any time with them at all. Something just doesn’t seem right there. My boys wanted to go visit their dad till they figured him out, but they never asked to go live with him. They always wanted my company as well. At 15, my oldest asked me to come paint balling with the youth group when he went. I baked cookies and went for a while then left to give the boys some space. At that age, they needed time with their friends. So I find it a bit strange that Dave’s girls pulled away from him and went to a woman who abandoned them. Is it just me, or is something not quite right with that scenario? I think I’m glad we didn’t start dating. He feels cold and rigid to me and I certainly don’t need that.

So that response I sent to that gentleman, he didn’t respond. What could I have said to get his attention? How can I approach a man so that he wants to get to know me? Do I dare start out a profile saying someone out there is missing out on his dream girl? I have no clue how a guy would react to that.

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

So here’s a message to someone I’d be interested in

Hi, your smile caught my attention. Your active lifestyle fits me well. I love being out in the mountains snow shoeing, hiking, kayaking. And I do love the east Kootenays as you do. Radium is a favorite haunt. Wildlife photography is my passion. What is your favorite wildlife experience? I would love to have someone to share adventures with …. including campfires by a lake.

Here’s a soft, warm smile for you. Looking forward to hearing from you,
Smiles,
Rhonda

We’ll see if he answers. Any comments?

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thank you for your thoughts. Thinking about what you said, I think for the most part, I’ve done well dealing with it. I don’t feel bitterness, I don’t feel sorry for myself, don’t dwell on things. My mom apologized for being so harsh with me. I just said I knew she did the best she could at the time. She started crying and said, But I had Mrs. White’s book Adventist Home. I just replied that I realize its sometimes hard to take what you know and get it into action, especially when it goes against ingrained beliefs. So maybe I made excuses for her? Don’t know. She did come from a a very, very disfunctional childhood. So did my dad. So… I have chosen to just say I refuse to be that way and to do things differently. I also know I can choose to reject messages people send me. With my exes, I recognize I was treated wrong, but I chose to accept it. I know I shouldn’t have accepted that treatment. Now I know what was wrong, now I need to focus on learning new skills. I’d far rather focus on learning new social skills than dwelling on things from the past. I know I can often be quiet and a listener, but there’s a buried crazy side that surfaces occasionally. I just read James’ message that this could be a good time to get back on on-line dating. I think I should try it again, but really could use some coaching as how to communicate on line. LOL. I’m thinking of being a bit sassy,…… “So someone out there is missing out on his dream girl :)….. Yeah, I take it slow getting into a relationship, but building a relationship slowly makes for a stronger foundation. I may seem guarded at first, but take the time to get to know me and you’ll find a lady who is fiercely loyal, romantic, affection, warm, honest and open.” etc. I do need more pics, and that could be a challenge. Obviously I need some new ways of responding, so maybe I can send you my responses and you can comment. I want some new social skills. Maybe throw all care to the wind and be a bit crazy. Any thoughts? Do want to focus on learning new social skills.

Thanks! Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Thank you for the thoughts on standing up for myself. That was very encouraging. Its nice to have my thoughts and actions validated. People who treat me badly like my mom, both my ex’s aren’t going to change. So better just to leave and move on. I really appreciate you validating that response.

How much does your coach charge? Most of the time I feel I’ve done a pretty good job of dealing with pain and hurt, but then sometimes I wonder if I’ve just done an excellent job of burying it. I am sure working 50+ hours a week for 18 years with very few vacations and carrying the whole load of raising two boys alone and supporting them has a lot to do with the numbness as well. Other than you telling me I feel numb sometimes, do you sense that from me? I often wish I had someone, preferably a male, to give me feedback – what they hear and what the silent messages are that they get from me.

Yes, that company that fired me for standing up for myself also ran two of their best engineers out of town and God gave me another job within a day that worked much better for me.

Gotta run. Meeting a friend to go for a walk along the levee. Three of us walk 4-6 kilometers three or four times a week along the levee. Getting too hot so have to go while we have the opportunity.
Have an AWESOME day tomorrow,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Oh, P.S. My youngest boy gave me a huge compliment Sunday. We were talking on Skype. He said he wanted to pay off his own school loans as I have given him way more than normal already. He also said he had no regrets or complaints with how I raised him. Can’t remember how he worded it. Maybe said he appreciated the way I raised him. He’ll be 26 is August. 🙂 I told him he had given me an early Mother’s Day gift.

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks again for all the positive encouragement. LOL. Per the usual, I spoke too soon. Everyone has gone silent. Have not heard from any of the gentlemen since last week. (sigh) Oh, well.

Uh,…. Yeah, I still don’t know how to stand up for myself without getting hurt worse. I’ve been fired for standing up for myself in what I thought was an appropriate way. I used “I feel” messages and no attacks and still got fired. That’s just one example. I’ve gotten to where I run when I’m not treated well. At least I’m not putting up with it any more. I’m still very much afraid to say anything. I just don’t know how to say something or stand up for myself without negative results. I run rather than fight.

I do try to imagine myself happily in a relationship. I think that helps my walls go down. I can feel a difference when I do that. I think I’m a good catch, but I’m sure not doing well in conveying that message to the men out there. Hee Hee. Maybe I should try Married at First Sight. I’m joking.

Read an interesting article on Yahoo a couple days ago about a 16-year-old who disappeared from TX. It traced her through several identities across the States from WA to the east coast. She was sexually abused by an uncle as a child and it said she seemed to never remember who she was. One thought was she purposely was trying to forget her childhood. I don’t remember details of what they said the issue was called, but I can certainly relate. Treva Thornberry was her name. Interesting article. I’m sure if you googled her you would find it. While I’m not as bad as her, I have purposely tried to wipe out memories of my past and I’ve pretty much gone totally numb with no feelings at all. The guys could be sensing this numbness. Dunno.

Anyway, hope things are going well for you,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks for the thoughts. I understand what you’re saying about the chase, and I do some of those things – don’t answer immediately, let him initiate the contact. But apparently I’m not warm enough or something for them to want to chase. I don’t answer and be a little not available and they disappear. I do like your thoughts on expecting and insisting on respectful behavior. That’s where I’ve failed badly in the past. Had I done that, I would never have gotten into the abusive marriages I was in. That is one set of skills I definitely lack – how to stand up for myself without getting beat up more. Usually when I stand up for myself I pay for it big time.

Gerry makes me laugh. We’re still messaging on FB, which I hate. FB and me do not get along well at all. I’m tempted to try Instagram. Don’t know how its different from FB, but I am NOT a fan of FB at all. Grrrrrrr. Anyway, LOL, back to Gerry. I usually get a response within a few hours after I message him. But its only one or two sentences. I think this last time I got three. 🙂 I’ll wait for a day or two to respond. Just got some messages on OurTime from a gentleman in Columbus, OH. I kind of called him on it, said I didn’t know how it would work with me being in Calgary and him in Columbus but said I would talk with him. We’ll see how he comes back. I didn’t tell him I’m sitting in Louisiana. And again, he’s answering very quickly after my message. Once in a while I’ll return the message right away, but usually I wait till the next day. Still hearing from Dean, but only once or twice a week. He’s said twice he would go horseback riding but didn’t have anyone to go with so I did say that I’d go with him if he wants when I get home. We’ll see what happens. I doubt I’ll get home till this fall. 🙁 I’m crying. The paddling club is out kayaking. There are places they can still go and I’m dyin’. If I could get home once a month like I was supposed to, I could go with them, but that isn’t happening, sniff sniff sniff

Bridget, the global tech person for the database I run, did a demo for a project in St. John, New Brunswick. She said it went really well and she’s talking with them again this next week. I’m praying hard Worley will get the contract. She’s told me I would be high on the list to go if they get it. I’d love to go spend some time in NB. I hear its really pretty and I could do lots of kayaking. Don’t know if I’d want to move there, but sure would welcome the chance to go work there for a bit. Plus, I’d be home in Canada. Praying, praying, praying.

Enjoy your weekend! Hope you can get out.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Yeah, I keep hearing that men like the chase. I haven’t figured out how to get them to chase me yet. I’ve read some things on it. Need some practice, I guess. Any tips? Other than to tease and playfully flirt and throw out little vague teases.

I don’t know much about Gerry at all. James had added him to the CCSAG Facebo page even though he’s not a member of Calgary Christian Singles. Gerry had a pic of a snowy owl for his profile, so of course I had to check him out. Couldn’t tell if he was single or not so asked James about him. James said “He’s very gregarious, genuine, and honest. Oh, and not married. He’s an awesome friend to many.

I’ve known him for years from First Alliance. He loves volunteering in the church kitchen, is a super cook, and gets out going on nature drives to take photographs whenever he can. I think he’s in his 60s. Used to be with Calgary Police. Quite a tall man. I think he’s in canyon meadows.” I’m laughing. Gerry does respond daily to my chats on FB, but its only one sentence. Maybe two. That doesn’t sound gregarious to me. But maybe he just doesn’t communicate well in writing. Gerry said he has “mobility issues” whatever that means. I responded that I hoped he got better soon and sent him a big smile. He replied that I’m an “encourager” and thanked me. Other that that, I know very little about him.

Did respond to Dean last night but haven’t heard anything back. We’ll see how that goes.

Hope things are going well for you. Has CO been in lockdown? Is it opening up soon?

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
LOL. I was being goofy, wasn’t I? I really don’t always stay away from a man because of his looks, but oh my goodness, LOL, Heidi, have you looked on OurTime at some of the guys?! Scruffy, growly, snarly, grouchy. LOL. I was using “ugly” loosely. I guess for me, my impression is that if they don’t clean up for a pic, if they don’t smile for a pic, they’re not trying to impress me and if they can’t smile, they probably don’t have a positive attitude. It talks to me of an attitude and that they may much not have too much self respect.

Did appreciate your thoughts on guys saying “other” as their religion. That does make sense.

LOL. I did guess that was the reason men put pics out of them fishing. My bad, but sense I don’t eat fish…….

Oh, you’ll never guess who I hear from…. Dean wrote. Apologized for not writing. Said things were changing at work and his shift changed. I’ll keep talking with him, but also contacted another photographer on Facebook – a friend of a friend.

Got some nice baby crane pics yesterday. One family is early.

Have a great day tomorrow,
Smiles,
Rhonda

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