Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi, Heidi,
Thank you again for your comments. You said the coach you work with will do a one-time session for $200?Thank you for your comments on “chasing”.
Robin and I talked for 1.5 hours last night. He didn’t get to call till 8ish. I need to be in bed by 9. LOL. Didn’t make it last night. But I felt it was important to talk last night. He really is a super man. You were dead on. He was really struggling with work. I felt bad. He turned around on his trip Sunday just to come home and call me and I turned him down as it was 8:30ish – and that’s what was advised when men start pulling away – I should be less available. But your way of dealing with it, I think, fit the situation better. He told me the week had been really bad at work and he has to find something else. Usually he tells me what’s happening at work, but he didn’t last night. I asked if the best thing I could do is give him space. He didn’t say yes or no. He just said I shouldn’t worry. He said he may be more distant, but it isn’t anything with me, it’s him dealing with the work issues and trying to get started on a new path and he will call me. So he talked to me about where he wants to go next. He’s already started. Heidi, its really strange. Even through Skype I can feel his tension / moods. By the time we got done talking last night he was much more relaxed and calm and I could feel it. He’s told me many times that I really calm him down, but its strange how connected we are to be able to feel him at this distance.
He was very supportive with my passport issues. He told me not to worry about it and it would be fine. If the border opens before I get my passport back he’ll come to the States and we’ll meet some place in the west where there’s mountains. Today around lunch he sent me his favorite clip of two people hugging. Texted a bit and I expect he’ll call tonight.
Gotta run.
Smiles,
RhondaThank you so much, Heidi,
I particularly like point 1 – emotions are NOT facts.
That helped so much. I THINK!! I’ve done a good job of not showing any of this to Robin. He did text last night. I texted back and let him know I was at company dinner. He texted again about 8:30 and asked how it went so we exchanged texts for almost half an hour. I did text him this morning and he texted back around 5ish just before I left work. We’ll see if he calls tonight. He’s very good at texting and letting me know if he’s not going to be home to call. Last night I let him know I noticed and appreciated how thoughtful he is.
I know Robin does have a lot on his mind right now. Work is not a good situation for him and I know he’s struggling with that.
LOL. The fear is of being rejected and feeling unwanted again. This has happened many times. It has always ended in the guy leaving. All the pain of past rejections is coming back and the fear of it happening again. I don’t have any of my outlets to deal with it, and that doesn’t help. If I were home I’d call some friends up and go kayaking or go out with a meetup group. I haven nothing like that here. LOL. Maybe I should write out a dialog conversation between the little girl and me.
Thanks for all the advice. I’ve been told many, many times I’m too independent and too assertive. I don’t want to get to where I’m doing the chasing. I’m NOT good at all in getting a man to chase me. That’s a big fear – that I’m doing the chasing. Don’t know where that balance is. He just texted. Said he was 15 minutes from home and wanted to call in 25. I told him I would like that and laughed and mentioned our schedules just haven’t synced very well this week.
I looked up process time for US passports. They just finished the ones they got in March and are starting on April. They have a couple offices coming back into stage 3 and a few more moving to stage 2 so hopefully they won’t get any further behind and might even catch up a bit. I’m wondering if I made the right decision to send it it. I could have waited to send it till January and sent it in right after Christmas. So hard to know. I feel like I’ve signed my death warrant!
Thanks again, Heidi,
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
I’m freaking out right now. Robin has really pulled away. On top of that, I just turned in my passport as it expires next March and the girl at the passport help desk says they’re “months” behind “because of covid. What a stupid excuse. They only help get the packets ready here. Since its a renewal, I had to mail it. Sent it priority today. I’ll be absolutely crushed if it isn’t back by Christmas. I’m SOOOOOOOOOOO depressed.We had a 5-minute discussion on God Saturday night and I shared how God gets me through hard times and suggested he ask God for guidance with the work issues he’s struggling with. He did tell me God has never been a part of his life, but he’s told me several times he’s open to learning about God. Dropped it and went on with our 2.5 hour conversation. Sunday I texted him in the morning. Didn’t hear from him till 7:15 that night. (I’ve always texted in the morning and he usually texts once or twice during the day and calls right around 7:30. Always prompt and consistent). Sunday all I got was, “Darling, I’m on the bike in Nanton (1 hour south of Calgary). I just had to get away.” It hit me hard as I was looking forward to talking with him. I just texted back, Ok, Enjoy. Then I went and read Bob Grant’s The Bonding Code how men enter what he calls stage 3 and disillusionment then stage 4 is testing. He says to give the man space. So an hour later, about 8:30, I get a text from Robin saying he’s changed his mind and he’s home and can he call in 5 minutes. I had already gone to bed and knew that if he called we wouldn’t get off the phone till 10ish and I had to be up by 4:30 so I told him I was already in bed and could we talk tomorrow night. About 10 minutes later he texted back, Sure. So Monday I didn’t text him as usual. Didn’t hear from him till 7 ish. He said he was in Airdrie (an hour away from his home) putting up realty signs. Said he’d text when he was done. So I texted back that I’d have (his favorite) raisin cookies coming out of the oven when he got home. Asked how his day had gone. He said, Another typical day in cowboy country. I took it that he was dealing with arrogant, rude people, so texted him back that it didn’t sound like fun and he could tell me about it when he got home. A little later he texted back saying, You’re amazing. I texted back that he brings it out in me (typical banter for us). He texts me about 8:30 saying he was just leaving Airdrie. That would mean he wouldn’t get home till 9:30. So I texted him back saying I was exhausted and going to bed and wished him a good night and a good day tomorrow. Later he texted me back good night and said to have a safe drive in the morning. I haven’t heard from him all day today. Not the foggiest clue of what’s going on with him. I have no clue if I’ll hear from him tonight or not. If not, it will be the first day in over 2 months that we haven’t at least texted. I am surprised at the amount of fear I’m feeling. High amount of fear. Don’t know what to think. Don’t know what to do. I’ve let him in closer than I’ve let anyone, maybe ever. I know its normal for men to pull away, but I’ freaking out right now. Have no intention of letting Robin know, but ……… man its hard on me! Yikes!
So between that and the issues with my passport, I’m freaking out and very, very depressed. Came home from mailing my passport and cried. I haven’t cried in years. Today is black, black, black. No light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, enough whining and crying. We have a company dinner tonight, so better go get ready for that.
Here’s a smile through my tears,
RhondaThanks, Heidi,
Good advice. I keep praying God will give me the words to say and show me how to say them.Have an awesome day! I’m headed to the pool in a bit to soak some sun, shut my eyes, listen to the water fountains and dream I’m in the mountains somewhere!
Smiles,
RhondaThanks, Heidi,
(soft smile) Yes, I have changed a lot since college. Still not sure about Robin. He’s a little on the rough side and quite out-spoken, but he’s got the biggest heart of anyone I know, treats me like a queen, hard-working, honest, open, very caring and thoughtful. Really won’t know till we get to spend some time together in person and that’s looking further and further in the distance as it looks like Canada won’t open their borders till end of the year. I’ll be lucky to get home for Christmas. Did have a chat with him about faith and God and he said he was open to that, but wanted to wait to talk about it till we could talk face to face. Fair enough. We’ll see. I’m not perfect and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Every once in a while I’ll panic and want to run, but really don’t have a good reason to run. I need to stay with this one. Keep praying about it.Have an awesome weekend!
Smiles,
RhondaThanks, Heidi,
LOL. We’ll see where it goes. I’ve given it to God. It does feel good to feel important and accepted by someone. LOL. Bob Grant says, “Words are for Women.” LOL. I disagree. I’ve been around a lot of men that will out talk me by miles, and Robin’s one of them. He likes to talk, which works as I’m better at listening. But he does listen to me when I want to talk. He is good at communicating. And…. I’m pretty happy with me. I’m accepting and enjoying his attention and the way he spoils me. I passed up a couple of good opportunities in college. The men treated me too good and it didn’t feel comfortable. I can see that now, but at that time I didn’t. 🙂 This time I have no problem accepting and appreciating being treated special.
Have an AWESOME weekend, Heidi!
Smiles,
RhondaThank you, Heidi,
I kind of think that’s the way she is with everyone. Of course probably she relates different to me as a woman than the men on the project, but all her interactions with people seem to be bossy and, while she tries to be the “hero” and get everyone help, it comes across in a wrong way. We spent one Saturday together and she talked a bit about her past. Not a good past. Married twice. Living for the last 10 years with her boyfriend but won’t get married. I think in reality she has a very poor self image. She’s on the other side of the building and I really don’t have much interaction with her at all. All our reporting is changing and decreased, so I wonder how much she’ll be involved with it. We’ll see. No, can’t think of anything she’d be upset at me for.Things are still going very well with Robin. He always calls around 7:30 my time and last night he texted and said he’d be half hour late. This morning I texted him and let him know how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness. 🙂 He replied that I bring it out of him. He’s a sweetheart. I think I’ll keep him around for a while. It will be 2 months tomorrow since we started talking but it feels like we’ve known each other forever.
Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow!
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
Thanks. Everything is in limbo with this virus stuff. We won’t be able to meet till the border opens and the quarantine requirements are lifted. Currently there are 2 week quarantine requirements on both sides of the border so any trip to meet would cost one of us a month of time.I’m starting to have problems with one of the ladies at work. She WAS a friend when she first got here. We did some things together and I rode to work with her. She’s the project field engineer. She is brown-nosing the project manager big time. Lives in the same complex as he and his wife and is buddy-buddy with them. Had them out to her house in TX for a weekend. She’s turned on me and has just been attacking me. Looking for everything she can find that I do wrong. She’s taken over putting the project reporting dashboard together. She came strutting into my office Wednesday demanding I get her the progress graphs by Wed night and made a snotty comment I was the last one to have my info in. The reason my graphs come in last is that the commissioning manager wanted to include the data that was turned in Wednesday night, so I pushed back and went to him. He and Dirk (project manager) both told Sarah it was fine for me to get them in Thursday morning. So Thursday morning Sarah came strutting into my office, slammed my graph down on my desk and snottily told me my numbers were wrong and to fix them. Didn’t even ask to discuss why they might be different. I told her they were right and told her why. She just pointed to the one number on the graph and walked out with her nose in the air. Five minutes later Dirk came storming into my office and in a very upset way told me my numbers were mixed up and wrong. I went back and did some research, and within 15 minutes had the answer why the numbers were right. Then he was after me cuz the graph he was looking at said system 550 was only 20% wrong and he knew it was close to 50%. I came back with numbers to prove it was 43% done and that my graph showed that. Then I saw he was looking at the graph from 2 weeks ago and showed him the current graph. But Dirk’s never been like that, to attach me like that, and that was within 5 min after Sarah had attacked me in my office. So my safe work environment is no longer safe. I’m going to have to pray hard for wisdom to handle this. Sarah is one of those people who will smile at your face and stab you in the back. Not fun. Any suggestions?
Hope you’re enjoying your day,
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
Yes, it is hard being here. And the longer I’m here the harder it gets. Robin sure helps a lot. I’ve got to say again, this is very different. Every once in a while I’ll feel a twinge of nervousness…. simply because its going so well. I really haven’t noticed any fears coming up at all. We’ve talked a little that getting to know each other from a distance has advantages. Our friendship is built on communication and its been slowed down. We both feel that gives us a stronger foundation. It is hard being apart and its time to meet, but that’s out of our control. I really don’t have any fears he’ll leave. He’s very committed. I don’t know. This is so strange and so different. We’re coming up on 2 months at the end of this week. I’ll be a total nervous wreck when we finally do get to meet. But it helps to video call on Skype.Enjoy your weekend!
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
Glad you’re having fun this summer. There is so much there to explore! LOL. That does sound like quite the climb. But I’m sure it was worth it. Mountain lakes are so beautiful!Thanks for the idea of taking a COVID test right away when I get home. I hadn’t heard that was an option, but I suppose it would work. Right now borders are supposed to open Aug 21. We’ll see if they extend it again. I’m really hoping the quarantine will be lifted by Christmas time or much sooner.
Yeah, Robin’s one of the most thoughtful people I know. I don’t think I’ve ever been treated like this before. Sure feels good. He’s also very consistent, which I like, too. For now just enjoying every day with him and not worrying about the future. It sure helps to have him to talk with every night and makes being stuck here easier.
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
Thanks. I’m laughing. This is so different and I really can’t explain it nor do I totally understand it.Heidi, when Robin first contacted me I couldn’t see anything on Match. I couldn’t read his message, couldn’t get to his profile. Usually I let it go. All I had to go on was his pic. There was something in his smile and something in his blue eyes that made me write Match. I still don’t know why I did. Once they gave me that short subscription and I looked at his profile, I really didn’t expect anything to happen. He didn’t come across as Mr. Perfect, but I thought I should at least be courteous and respond. So we talked on Math for a little bit then my subscription expired. I didn’t look very closely at how long they gave me and I got home and went to read his message and my subscription had expired. Ooops 🙂 So I bought the minimum 3-month subscription. Figured it was only fair if I wanted to talk with him. And then we jumped off Match about a week later. Poor guy. He was calling and we were talking 1-3 hours a night and he didn’t have a US plan. He wouldn’t tell me how much his phone bill was, but we use Skype now, which is free as long as he is where he can connect to WiFi. He took his motor bike out to Canmore (entry to Banff) last weekend and went to a Starbucks for wifi. Said he thought he would bring the mountains to me. That was pretty special.
Robin lives about a 45 minute drive from my house. Strathmore is just east of Calgary. He wants to move because he’s ready for a change of work and also I think he wants to get out of the house he’s in. He has his own business as commercial building maintenance, mostly in downtown Calgary. He’s ready for a change and I don’t blame him. Much of what he does is hard physical work and he hasn’t taken a day off since last December and he’s often dealing with emergency calls. Works 7 days a week, although some days are shorter and light and others are longer. He’s pretty intelligent and handles the whole business to quotes on projects to doing the project.
Yeah, we’ve grown pretty close and its very easy to talk “we” and “us”. That just seems to come naturally without thinking. I’ve been trying to hold back till we actually get the chance to meet, but that’s getting more difficult. Canadian borders are closed thru Aug 21 now and it wouldn’t surprise me if they closed it till the end of the year. If that happens, I think I will ask for 3 weeks away. I could go home, but would have to quarantine for 14 days. That would give me 1 week to do things there before coming back. Only God knows what will happen. Robin’s awesome, though, he keeps telling me, “One day at a time.” He’s pretty dedicated and committed. I keep praying this position here will lead to a global support position where I can work from home remotely. We’ll see.
You doing anything fun this summer? Is everyone wearing masks there? Maybe not so many people coming to the mountains and parks this summer?
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Heidi,
Yes, it’s been a real surprise for me. And really, a bit of a miracle we met. My Match subscription had ended and I wasn’t going to renew it. Then his message came through. Match has things blocked so I couldn’t get to his profile and I couldn’t find him in my searches, and of course I couldn’t read what he wrote, so I complained loudly to Match. Their rep came back and said customers want to talk with a paying customer. When I got the satisfaction survey, I gave them a 0 and said the rep didn’t talk to my complaint. I didn’t want to talk with someone. I wanted to read his profile, that’s all. So they gave me a free subscription for a short period.He lives in Strathmore which is just on the east side of Calgary. He listed “Christian” as his religious beliefs on his profile and his actions, behaviors and attitudes are more Christian than many self-claimed Christians I know. When I mentioned going to church he said, “Sure. Anything that will help me be a better person.” We haven’t specifically talked about religious beliefs, but he knows I don’t work or do normal everyday activities on Saturday and listen to southern gospel. He’s ok with that and respects my beliefs.
He has a son and daughter. Both are married. Depth of conversation? We talk about our work, or goals, his cats that he interacts with like they’re children. Kind of cool to watch. His Skype is on his phone so he’s showed me his house, the yard work he’s doing. Pretty much just sharing our every day lives. Talk about future plans – what he wants to do business wise, where we’d like to live, things we’d like to do. He was really good. LOL. He was talking about moving to Windsor, Ontario. I immediately started shaking my head and told him if he was moving there, he was moving alone. I kind of apologized a couple days later saying I could have said the same thing in a kinder way, or better way. He just said he thought it was funny. He has already told me he’s committed to me. He broke his primary phone. Then he yesterday he cracked the glass on his backup phone. He asked if the video was coming through ok. I said yes, then said I was glad it was still working. LOL. He said if it wasn’t he’d be talking with me on a new phone as he wasn’t going to miss our nightly conversation. Told me again how much our conversations mean to him and how I relax him. It’s really funny. I don’t do anything but just show interest in him. And he listens to me about my day. Its just sharing our every day, daily lives. I think we may go virtual shopping for a small camper van. That would be fun. I really don’t understand this all, Heidi. It just seems like we’re talking “we” and sharing our daily lives without realizing it. It just comes naturally. I haven’t felt like this in ….. in….. uh well over 10 years.
No, haven’t really noticed any caution flags. I haven’t picked up any of the things I often pic up on other guys. I am quick to run and very skittish. I’ve disappeared very quickly from quite a few men and there’s been a couple I’ve flat out told, Don’t contact me again. So this is very different for me. Sometimes a little scary. I know he’s not perfect, but neither am I. And if we continue to respect each other and look out for each other they way we are now, and meet in the middle, it should work. That attitude, to me, is more important that matching perfectly. And quite honestly, he gives me much more than I return. He is more than ready to do whatever makes me happy. First time I’ve had that and it feels good. I don’t try to match what he gives, but let him know how much I appreciate him and tell him he’s just the best. Rather than trying to give back I focus on letting him know how much I appreciate what he gives me. That may not be the best way to explain it. Again, I’m probably not conveying what I’m trying to say very well. Trying not to get into that “giving pit” as Bob Grant calls it. He says a man needs to give more than the woman, and for once I’m allowing that to happen. I’ve always tried to out-give a man before and that hasn’t worked.
So we’ll see. I don’t really think about the future with him. Just enjoy each day for what it brings. And it just seems like every day we grow closer. We’ve talked that being apart for now can really work to our advantage as the relationship grows more slowly and is built on conversation and can give the relationship a stronger foundation.
Have an awesome, wonderful, terrific day! Enjoy that mountain sunshine!
Smiles,
RhondaHi Kanya and Heidi,
Hope you both are doing well and enjoying the summer in spite of everything.We started working 50 hour weeks beginning of June, plus I’m putting in extra hours helping our global lead get training materials and a template project set up in the data base. Add 7-8 hours driving time every week and 60-65 hours/week is work or work related. Still haven’t made it home, but did go see my son in Phoenix over the 4th.
I also have been talking with a very wonderful man from Calgary since the end of May. Not sure I understand what or why, but we talk for 1-3 hours every night on Skype. He treats me like a queen. Really funny as he’s got a sports bike in the garage and tattoos. I usually give those men a wide berth. But there’s so much else about him I admire and respect, I’ve decided those are things I can bend on, especially since he hasn’t ridden his bike in 2 years and he usually keeps his tattoos covered up. Hard worker, owns his own business, very people oriented, doesn’t fish, doesn’t hunt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, language is clean and he respects and loves animals and nature as much as me. He said he’d go horseback riding, kayaking, rock climbing, hiking with me. He said he’d also like to get into photography. He likes to mountain bike and wants to go scuba diving and travel, which I’d do. He also said he’d go to church with me and he likes to help people. And at least with me, he tries to keep his language clean. I think I’ll keep him around for a while. 🙂 He tells me regularly how much I mean to him how much I brighten his life. Feels very different from anything else I’ve ever had. I think I won’t try to understand, but just enjoy. I’m trying to hold back a bit till we can meet in person, but with everything that’s going on I don’t know how soon I’ll get home. After 6 weeks and talking 1-3 hours a night, its starting to feel a little steady and more solid, growing deeper. It’s kind of fun. He’ll text, What’s for dinner? And I’ll make a suggestion or two. I’ll ask what he wants to drink when he gets home and tell him I’ll have it ready for him. Just playing, but its fun. We’ll see. Been praying about it, but he’s a real sweetheart. He’s got a very strong personality, but coupled with his respect and thoughtfulness, I rather appreciate it. Let’s me relax and there’s less weight on my shoulders. Feels pretty good. 🙂
Anyway, that’s the latest in my world. LOL. Maybe I’ve learned a few things. 🙂 But I really don’t think I’ve done anything different or changed much from what I’ve done with other men. No clue.
Hope you both enjoyed the holiday and things are going well for you,
Smiles,
RhondaHi, Kanya,
Thanks for your thoughts.LOL. I’m struggling as I feel I’m not communicating well at all. Both you and Heidi have come back with feed back that has left me scratching my head. I’m obviously sending messages that I didn’t mean to send or realize I was sending. I’m struggling to express what I really want to say and say it in a way that’s understood the way that I was intending it to be understood. …… Ok, did that ramble make any sense at all?
I didn’t mean to say I didn’t want to invest in Bill at all. I do still have questions about his financial situation and intend to give him time and space to deal with that before getting too involved. (pause) How in the world do I explain this?…. I was more needing him to take the lead and contact me rather than me contacting him. I was trying to explain more that things were in his court and I wasn’t going to chase him and I wasn’t going to put any more time, effort or my emotions into that relationship till I got something back from him. I was/am willing to return his investment but not willing to invest any more without any investment from him. Previously, typical to me, I have tended to take the responsibility for the relationship. I grew up where everything was my responsibility so typically I’ve, by habit, taken responsibility for keeping a relationship going – or trying to, anyway. Hasn’t worked. What I was trying to express is that I wasn’t going to do that any more – with him or anyone else. And I have no clue if I’m explaining myself very well at all. He did come back and contact me. I waited till the next day to respond. I had two more emails from him last night. In one he gave me a huge, huge compliment. “You have the gift and talent of bringing out the best in me!!” I would like to get to know him but take it slow. I have no problem just being friends with him and let God and the future take care of itself. I’m still talking with several other men. There’s another gentleman who seems to be a high-quality man that I will also continue to talk with.
But I still feel totally unsure how to build ANY friendship. I also know he’s in a tough position right now, having lost everything and being unemployed. I have also read quite a bit of James’ work and Bob Grants and understand a man needs respect and doesn’t want to be “helped” or “rescued”. I want to be very careful that I support him in a way that truly supports him and shows him respect without “mothering” him. I’m stepping into new territory there and not sure how to do that.
Thanks again for your thoughts,
RhondaOoops. I spoke too soon. Closed this out and went back to my email and guess who had sent a very short email. He just said things were opening up there and he could get a hair cut and asked me to send a pic. Any suggestions on how to encourage the friendship. Normally I wouldn’t even consider him with his financial situation. I’m not going to offer to help him. And I’m trying not to “mother” him. I did tell him I was very impressed with his work and when I get home and go to do some remodeling I do know who to hire now. I am confident after talking with him, he will recover from his losses. Even though he got a really bad deal, I’m not sensing a lot of bitterness, which I’m impressed with. I do not want to get into a dating relationship right away. He needs time to recover financially, but do want to encourage the friendship. Any thoughts?
