[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Still hearing almost daily from Robin – texting only. I think the relationship was going to casual anyway. We had commented that we weren’t talking much and he said things weren’t going to get any better and he was focused on his work, so in his own way he was telling me our friendship was backed off. He’s not been home before 8 his time (9 mine) any night this week so wouldn’t have called anyway. He was really pulling away anyway and its quite possible he wanted to go to just friends and just didn’t want to say anything.

Yes, I’d like to know more about how to change my subconscious. At age 42, after 2nd abusive marriage I asked myself
1) Why am I getting into these relationships
2) Why in the world am I staying in them when I know I’m not being treated right and its tearing me down?

I realized I had to get away from what was keeping me down if I was going to heal. And that was my mom and family, so I pulled away and started re-evaluating the inbred beliefs I had and started throwing some of them out. I wish I had done that a lot earlier in life! as I’m doing a lot better since I started doing that. But I know I have a lot more to change and learn, so sure. I’m open to any info on changing my subconscious.

Well, (sigh) my Christmas plans were just totally upended. Canada closed the borders again. I have no clue if I’ll get home for Christmas or not. But on of our leads has a large work network and a project in Edmonton (3 hours north of Calgary) called him. He sent my resume up and recommended me. Its only a 6 month contract, but I’d take it. It’s back home in Canada and 3-6 months longer than what I have here. My life is totally up in the air right now. Hopefully will find out this next week if our contracts are being extended or not. So we’ll see what God has in store for me next. He’s never let me down, so I trust He won’t again.

Have an AWESOME weekend!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Well, a bit late. I wrote him Saturday afternoon. Got an email at 4 Sunday morning saying only, Darlin’, you’re amazing. Didn’t know if that was in a good way or bad way. Gotten a text from him every day so far. And no, I wasn’t wanting him to fight for me and he didn’t. I was trying to do it a way that would hurt him the least. And I still want to be friends. I don’t like this attitude in today’s world that you can’t be just friends. Dave and I are still friends after 4 or 5 years. Hear from him 2-3 times a month. And, hey, at least I backed off. I got into 2 marriages I never wanted to get into because I didn’t know how to get out of relationship and didn’t know how to. So at least I backed off, even if I didn’t do it in the right way. I’m feeling pretty good that I could back off at all. I wouldn’t have been able to do that before. So maybe not where I need to be, but an improvement!

Although I know it was the right decision, I’m still sad and almost feel guilty. I feel like I kicked him when he was down and betrayed him. That’s what hurts the worst.

So on another completely different note……. A couple years ago I was stating to a co-worker that I felt… Oh, I don’t remember what I said, but she told me that everyone liked being around me and I was a ray of sunshine. Another co-worker a few months ago would tell me, “I thought the sun came up twice when I saw your smile.” Robin’s knickname for me is Sunshine. And I’ve ended up parking by a big white truck several times at work recently. Driven by an older gentleman. Total stranger, but he, too, calls me Sunshine. LOL. I don’t have a clue why people tend to call me that, but hey, I’ll take it. Gives me motivation to boost that image. I also ran across The Law of Attraction and Bob Proctor’s explanation. He talks about the body having a vibration – either positive or negative. I’ve felt that for a long time, so nice to hear it verified. He also said the paradigm controls this vibration. The paradigm is formed in the subconscious when we are young. Its the paradigm that controls how we behave. I think that’s something similar to what you’ve been telling me – things in my subconscious I need to deal with. Anyway, quite interesting. Of course his half your youtubes only talked about the need to change the paradigm and buy his program to learn how to do that.

And its my bedtime. Hope you had an awesome day,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi,
Well, I’m feeling sad and empty tonight. I sent Robin an email saying I was wondering if the best way I could support him was to give him the space and freedom to focus on his work and that I thought it would be best to be just friends. I haven’t heard boo from him tonight. I doubt I will. I know he wasn’t for me, but I’m still feeling sad and empty. I doubt I’ll hear from him again. So I guess I get to start over looking for someone.

Feeling sad,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
Thank you for your comments. After last night’s conversation, I’m going to say, No. And really, I’m nervous about meeting him, but not really afraid of it. At least consciously, that doesn’t play a part. I was more questioning if I was focusing on the negative things because I was afraid of rejection and pain. Last night’s conversation with Robin was definitive for me. He confirmed he’s struggling and he pulls away when he struggles. I softly started to ask if it would be easier if he had a Friend who knew the future and had a plan for him. I wasn’t able to finish as he cut me off with an adamant NO and said he was 62 and he relied ONLY on himself and he had to work this himself. He had cleaned up the mess from a fire some homeless people had made and got started on how the homeless situation was so bad in Calgary and there was no hope for these people. I again mentioned God could change their lives and he went off again on how that wouldn’t happen. They were beyond hope and help. Then he went on on how the economy in Calgary and Alberta was so bad and it was only going to get worse. Then he got started on his work and he’s been trying to get into Melaleuca and went on and on about how all these people are making hundreds of thousands of dollars. His whole focus is on money and making enough money so he can travel and do things that he thinks will make him happy. A lot of negative energy in the conversation. I’ve been feeling this negative energy for quite a while and that doesn’t work for me. Pretty much all I do when he calls is be quiet and listen. He tends to drag me down. When I told him I wasn’t going to monopolize his time when I was home he said Whew, and wiped his hand across his forehead. He’s also told me previously he wont’ have a lot of time for me. I continued the friendship to see if he would really follow through with the things he said he would do and if he really was interested in hiking, kayaking, photography, camping, etc. and I’m getting strong signals he won’t and he’s really not as interested in those activities as he claimed. So, last night I got my answer. I want to continue to be friends, but I’m not interested in a relationship with him. I think I will approach it from the standpoint of the best way I can support him is to give him space and freedom to focus on what his work (which he is doing anyway) and let him know I will always be his friend, he can call me any time and I will still be his Melaleuca accountability partner, but wouldn’t it be easier for him if we put this in “friend zone” and called it “just friends.” I’m hoping he’ll be relieved with that thought. And I think he will. While he says I’m the most important person to him, he’s also giving me signals trying to keep up the relationship is a stress for him. I’m hoping he’ll accept that, because I’m done. Not interested in anything more than just friends. He has helped me grow. He showed me what it was like to be valued and respected. I’m a better person for his friendship and this experience, but time to move on.

It’s a nice day out – well the temps are down and the sun is out. Air quality is horrible. But I need to get out. There’s really no place to go. Two places, both about an hour from here, but both really don’t interest me. Boring! I’m going to spend as much time in the mountains as I possibly can while I’m home.

Hope you’re having an AWESOME day! Thanks again for your thoughts.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
You really touched on some things I was thinking. I was asking myself yesterday, Am I talking myself out of wanting him because I’m hurting and scared? I don’t know. I don’t know if I did that exercise right but here are some things I came up with……

Don’t know
if he’ll take time for me at Christmas
he’ll really go kayaking, hiking, snow shoeing, camping, and try wildlife photography like he has said he would
if he’s really open to going to church and reading the Bible with me like he has told me he will a couple times
don’t know if he has much time for me at all right now
don’t know if I totally understand his sense of humor or comments ( I sent him a link on a study with ferrets that found a nasal spray can block getting the virus. He wrote back, “well then I must be a ferret. At least I can grow hair on my body.” Not sure I understand those comments. They come across to me as sarcastic and negative. ???? Dunno.

Do know
He’s consistent. If he isn’t going to call he’ll text and let me know
he’s hard-working
he loves animals
he’s thoughtful
he likes to travel
he’s dominant and likes to talk (sometimes talks over me)
I’d like him to clean up his language (he frequently says, Oh my God)
he can get a bit negative
he wants to improve himself
he works 24 / 7 and his only non-work activity is working out at the gym

I wish we had the opportunity to meet in person before now, but that just hasn’t been possible. When I told him I was coming home he just said, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” and something about “you’re going to abuse this old man for a couple weeks then leave.” Again, wasn’t sure I understood that comment. I asked if he was going to come over and help me decorate for Christmas and he gave me some excuse. And he’s pulled back quite a bit more since I told him I was coming home. I almost wish I hadn’t bought that ticket to go home. But I have scheduled a massage and a hair cut and I really like my hair stylist. She’s awesome. She bought one of my calendars last year and wants me to make her another one this year. So I’ll get that done this weekend. I’m thinking I may see if I can rent a cabin out in Banff for one night. Tentatively planning on going to on a photo run with Jackie one day. I’ll catch up with some of my other friends from Calgary Christian Singles. But with the big surge in covid cases again, I may be spending my time alone in the mountains – which is totally fine with me. Shutting everything down does not work and does not stop covid, so it’s really annoying that their moving that way again. Does nothing to stop the virus and only destroys the economy. I’m NOT impressed at all at how the US and Canada have responded to the virus. Especially Canada – not looking at the whole picture at all.

Anyway, we’ll see if Robin calls tonight. Got that sarcastic email earlier. I gave him some space for a couple nights. Bob Grant says when a man pulls away, give him a little more space than he’s comfortable with. Give him what he wants and a little more. We’ll see. I’ve gone totally numb, no feelings at all and have pretty much talked myself out of the relationship.

Have an AWESOME weekend!
Smiles,
Rhonda
So

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks. You hit on some things I’ve been thinking about. But it was a 12 hour day today and I just got back to the apartment and my brain is shot. I will answer this more later.

Have a great evening,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Thank you, Kanya, Yes, I’m in a bit of a state of confusion on this one. Not sure if he’s really a man I want a relationship with. Lots of things I like about him, but some I don’t. From the get-go I knew he wasn’t really my type. Lots of if’s. I will give that exercise a try. Thank you.

And thank you, James. I really got a message from THE James Bauer? I’m so honored! It was your Be Irresistible on how men experience respect that got me started on relationship courses. That was my first one and I loved that it had some depth to it and wasn’t just all how to be sexy and flirtatious. Thank you. I still remember some of the things you said in there even though its been a few years.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hey, Heidi,
Did that help explain it. I don’t feel he’s avoiding me all the time, and I know sometimes his work excuse is legit. But a couple times I wonder. And its the consistency and the length of time he’s found excuses not to talk. But hey, at least this time I’m not asking what I did wrong and I’m not feeling like a failure. For once I’m asking if I want the relationship instead of me begging to keep it going. My big hesitation is, do I really want him? I don’t know. There are a lot of things I admire and like about him, but I’ve said all along he really isn’t the type of guy I would pick out. So I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. But I know I’m better for the experience.

One very confused girl,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks for pointing things out. Yes, I was realizing my way of dealing was running rather than working with it. I was actually thinking about that today. A couple nights ago he did call and we talked about how little we’ve talked and I did casually mentioned that there were a couple times it almost felt like he was avoiding me. So he said he’d take a half hour break and call me, which he did last night. But tonight he just texted and said he was in the middle of something and could we talk tomorrow night. I do know he pulls away when he’s stressed from work and I do know that some of the times he didn’t call it was a legit work reason. But there were other times I wasn’t sure, that maybe he was using it as an excuse to avoid me. He’s not sending the hugs like he used to and he certainly wasn’t excited about me coming home.

So there are a couple other things I need to talk with him about, like his language and he also tends to interrupt me and talk over the top of me. I just don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know. He’s also what he calls “high energy”. I call high strung. I usually prefer someone more laid back. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Guess we’ll wait and see what happens when I get home. It really wouldn’t surprise me if he wasn’t available to meet. Don’t know. Something has definitely changed in the last 3 weeks.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
What do you think? I’m really thinking of asking Robin if the best way I can support him right now is to let our friendship be just that – friends. Let it be in the “friend zone” as the younger generation would put it. The “just friends” as I would term it. Let him know I will always be his friend, always be there for him, he can call me any time. Let him know I still want to meet him (if he has time and wants to) when I come home. He’s welcome to spend Christmas Day with me, which I half expect him to turn down. But he pretty much told me last night he’s going to be focused on work and getting his new business running, so what I’ve seen for the last couple weeks will be the norm. It feels to me he doesn’t have the time or energy right now for a relationship, so that’s ok. I’m ok with being just friends, but I will go back out on Zoosk and MAYBE Match and contact friends, including male friends, to do things with while I’m home over Christmas. I really don’t see him taking the time to spend much time with me at all – if he decides to meet at all.

What do you think? This isn’t working for me. Its too hard on me to sit here every night wondering if he’s going to call or not and wondering what kind of mood he’s going to be in. Every time he texts early and says he’s working late, it hurts. It really feels like he’s avoiding me, so I’m thinking the best thing I can do is back off (kindly and in a supportive way) and give him his space to focus on work and survival.

Thanks,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Well, I texted and asked Robin if he was going to have time to talk to night. He said its been a long day and we’ll talk tomorrow. Said roads were crazy there and he was going to the gym. I said ok then mentioned it seems like he’s had long days for the last 2 weeks. He wrote back that that’s all there is ahead – long days. I don’t know what to think. I hate to dump him when he’s down, but seems like he’s choosing work over me. He could make some time to talk. Quite honestly, I’ll be surprised if he calls tomorrow. Although he did call last night – after I had told him I was going to bed. I don’t think he’s over the hurt and pain from his past and don’t know if he’s healed enough to be a good partner. I don’t know if I should give him space and believe in him or if it would be better for me to move on. He’s withdrawing into himself. I can understand that for a bit, but its been 2-3 weeks now with no sign of him coming out. If anything, I think he’ll withdraw more. Any thoughts?

[Rhonda R]

Well, Robin just texted that he’s working late again tonight….. for the 5th or 6th night in a row. Feels to me like an excuse. He texted he was going to be late last night, then said he was 45 min out. I told him I was going to bed, so he calls an hour later and wakes me up. I didn’t answer his call as I was it would have been a video call and I was already in pj’s and 3/4 of the way asleep. I was bad. I replied, Ok. Be safe. ????? He’s been quite distant for the last few weeks. I’m sure its because of work, but he really didn’t act happy about meeting me at all when I get home. I don’t know now how much of what he’s told me is real and how much was just his wanting to impress me or just his dreams. There’s a lot I like about him, but some things I’m not sure of. Don’t know what to do. I really believe most of this is because of his work situation. Is it fair for me to judge him when he’s dealing with so much? Don’t know. Anyway, I’m grumpy. We’ll see if he calls later tonight.

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
I’m slow to answer. Seems like things are just crazy. Of course the time change hasn’t helped. The drive home now is often taking an hour rather than the 40 minutes it used to. The other night is was 1.5 hours. I’ve really slipped into unconsciousness and zombie mode and my brain totally shuts down when I get home.

Well, I bought a ticket to go home at Christmas. I thought I’d be a lot more excited about it than I am. The project is giving all of us in Canada 2 weeks off to go home. Really nice of them. I’ll register to be part of the fast-test program. Get tested at the airport then quarantine for 2 days till the results come in. Then I have to go get tested again in 6 days. They will email/text me every day to track me. How annoying! My luck I’ll get a false positive diagnosis, have to quarantine the whole time I’m home and won’t be able to come back to work. That would be the rest of my life has gone. I’ve been shafted, set up, stolen from so many times. But I can’t dwell on that and can’t think that way. I think I’ll see where I can get a blood, anti-body test in the next couple weeks just to make sure before I fly. Robin doesn’t seem near as happy about it as he would have been a few months ago. He’s really stressed with work and has pulled away again. He’s gotten kind of negative to the point where I’m questioning if I really want him. Which brings me to the question you asked about me feeling trapped. I would feel much more guilty leaving knowing I’m the only one he talks to and how I help him relax and influence him. I’m going to plan my time at home without Robin. I’ll leave it up to him to decide when and where we’ll meet. I’m finding he talks about things he wants to do, but he’s also got a lot of fear and doesn’t follow through with what he wants to do. We’ll see. I’m going to stay backed off. I can go do things with a couple of girl friends and I can head to the mountains so it will be good.

On another topic….. I have a really wonderful girlfriend that I talk with and go on photography trips when I’m home. She wants to date and find someone but she accuses every man she meets of being a scammer and talked for a long time about how every many on Match was only looking for sex. Yikes. I wonder how she’ll ever find a decent man when she has every man out there pegged as a scammer and sex maniac. I’d rather give a man the benefit of the doubt and let him be innocent till proven guilty. Her attitude drives me nuts.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Kanya,
Thank you. Glad you understood what I was trying to say.

Yes, Robin is really focusing on becoming a positive, people-oriented person and from what I can tell, he’s come a long ways. He’s shared some of the things he’s been through and a little about his growing up years. He’s been through hell and been treated very badly. I can understand why he doesn’t trust people. I trust people only to a certain point. But I really have my guard up. So I totally understand why he doesn’t trust anyone. Like him, I learned a long time ago, if something was going to get done I had to do it. I couldn’t rely on anyone else or trust anyone else to do it. And I’ve taken a lot of criticism for being too independent because of it. But I had to survive as a single mom with two boys and things had to get done and there was no one but me to do them, so……. So I totally understand where he’s coming from. He loves animals and has told me he has a lot more respect for animals than he does people. And I totally get that as well. My dogs and my horses were far better friends and treated me better than the people I was around. He’s got two cats and its interesting and fun watching how he interacts with them. We video call on Skype, so its more communication than being just on the phone. I’ve found across the board a man will treat me the way he treats animals and Robin treats his cats really well. It will be good when we can actually spend some time together. Talking on video Skype as much as we do, I don’t think there will be any issues, but one never knows. Robin definitely treats me better than the “Christians” I’ve been around.

Hope things are going well for you and you’re enjoying a great fall.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Wow. This is quite the challenge to explain. First off, no, I rarely go to church. For me, the SDA church that I grew up in is not an option. I found it cold, judgmental and a show. The Adventists I know, including my family are all focused on behavior and earning your way to heaven. Church there is not a safe place for me. I found only judgment, criticism and condemnation there. Only one time in my life did I enjoy going to church and that was out at the East Gate church in Walla Walla, WA. We had a pastor that truly knew God and that was the ONLY time I felt I could come into the presence of God without being condemned. But he wasn’t there long. The church was new and had just been built so need a lot of money to pay for construction. The conference said he wasn’t raising enough money to pay the bills so they sent him off somewhere else and brought in someone else who was focused on raising money. With that being said, I still believe strongly that Saturday is the day to worship, so while I don’t go to church (there are some alliance churches in Calgary that have a Saturday night service that I sometimes go to), I don’t work and I don’t do my everyday things like shopping, house cleaning, etc. I often go to the mountains, do volunteer activities to help others, have Christian music on…. things that build my relationship with God. Over and over I read in the Bible that the ONLY thing we can do is ask God to come into our lives and make us the people He wants us to be. It is up to God, not us, to modify our behavior. God is far more interested in how we treat others than if we eat meat or wear a simple piece of jewelry. So where I’m at and what I’m looking for is a relationship with God. If that relationship is there, everything else will fall into place. I talk to God all the time, from, “please protect me from these idiot maniac drivers while going to work”, to “please help me perform my work to represent You”, to “Please use me to show your love to Robin and others”, to “God, where do you want me to go next for work,” to “Thank you for Your love and guidance and protection.”

So I did ask Robin last night what his view of God is, and he said, he believes in a greater being and he’s reading a book that talks about God being this greater being that is a God of all religions. He also said he’s open to reading the scriptures when I get home. But just as I suspected, Robin said he doesn’t trust anyone, so the thought of trusting God doesn’t work for him. If he can’t trust people, he won’t trust God. And I understand that. Robin did say he trusts me. He also restated how much I mean to him and how I help him be a better person. Like me, he’s a loner and said I’m the only person he talks to and pretty much his only friend outside of work and his kids and brother. Which is an honor, and yet makes me feel a bit trapped. I prayed about it again going to bed last night. God, what do I do? Again, the answer came back, “Let Me handle it. You just be there and be a true representative for Me.” Again, NOT what I would expect and certainly not what my family would say. They would say I have no business talking with him or would tell me I have to convert him. So this whole thing is very strange and very different. I don’t understand. Robin is not the type of person I would pick out for me, so why its working, I don’t know. It’s in God’s hands and I’ll leave it up to Him.

I have no clue if I explained it well or not. Pretty complicated to try to explain.

Have an AWESOME day!
Smiles,
Rhonda

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