[Rhonda R]

Hi, Spyce,
LOL. I noted Liam’s behavior but didn’t pay a whole lot of attention. I rather expected it. While I enjoyed the interaction with him on Wednesday, I didn’t read anything into it and didn’t really expect it to happen again. I would estimate him to be about the age of my oldest son so its ok. Older men, when they do that, yeah, it drives me nuts.

Have I asked men out on dates? Hmmmmm. I’ve organized group activities and asked men to join. You have to understand, it was beat, drilled, pounded and driven into me growing up that girls don’t call guys or initiate anything with them. I really wasn’t allowed to interact with guys much at all. Parents had a total fit when I had my first boyfriend and totally watched EVERYTHING we did. I was 16. I’ve been accused over and over and over of being too independent. Its hard for me to approach men. With that being said, there are some men I interact with fairly easily. Like Mike, the gentleman on the kayak trip when I was home. I did ask if he ever kayaked the Bow and that I was looking for someone to go with.

It is quite possible that I come across as independent, aloof, unavailable. I really wish I could go on two or three fake dates with a male coach. I suspect you’re right….. men see me as not interested, busy, unavailable. I don’t know. I do like your idea of talking with men younger than I have been. I can’t seem to change the age of the picKs Zoosk is sending me (they don’t send men any suggestions younger than 60 but they send me guys in their 70s ?????) I’ve asked them about that and gotten no where. I can change my search parameters and go search myself but not who they match me to. I am looking and contacting men in their mid to upper 50s. No luck so far.

I think you’re right. I think things will go better once I’m home and can actually meet men in person. I wish I had the magic touch with on-line dating, but I don’t. Doesn’t help when a man is interested and wants to meet and I say, …… Uh, can I have a rain check for xyz weekend?

Today did not go well at work at all. I’m not feeling safe there at all. I’ve been in situations before with bosses like my immediate supervisor. Doesn’t go well and I usually don’t last long. This guy is a total nut case. I often question where he gets his stuff from. What he says makes no sense at all and he keeps changing what he wants. None of our team likes him or really listens to him. We work in spite of him, not because of him. He talks really big, though, and I think may have the brass blind-sided. I was praying for guidance on the way home and what I thought I heard was to focus on submitting my permanent residency renewal and get that taken care of then job hunt. I’ll keep praying to confirm I’m really listening. Should send off the PR renewal application next week then can start job hunting.

Another boring, lonely weekend. Its raining and very humid out. Wasn’t able to find camp site up north that worked for me. Have to try to finish the sound barrier panel I’m assembling and hang the sound minimizing curtains. Last night neighbors were banging drums and cymbals, sounded like in the hall between our apartments after 9 last night. I think next weekend is a party night for them. They party till 2 in the morning last Saturday night of each month and first Friday night of each month. Really throws me when they do.

Right now its nap time. (We get off at 11:30 on Fridays) Couple nights this week I didn’t sleep hardly at all so exhausted. Things always look much worse when I’m this tired, so having an ooey, gooey, chocolaty brownie and taking a nap!

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,

Yes, I figured Liam was just being friendly. I didn’t read too much into it. The invite to stop by his place was so I could see what the townhouse units looked like. Today he was back to before and quiet and involved in his own work. I just wasn’t expecting how friendly he was yesterday.

This week’s been rainy, very humid and on the warm side. Not good weather to get out so been watching Masked Singer while on the treadmill. Worked on my permanent residency renewal. Will spend Sunday going over it with a fine tooth comb. Want to send it in next week. That will give me plenty of time for them to return it. I can never get anything right when it comes to the government.

Do spend some time reading the Bible every evening. Try to absorb the confidence from trusting in God. Other than that, not much. LOL. Counting the days till I can go home again. 15 more days! I also like to watch short youtube videos from BYU Random Acts. Here’s one of my favorites https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NJZHt_jCME Watch animal rescue videos and Fox 5 Surprise Squad – same idea as Random Acts. Also watch George to the Rescue, a contractor who goes in and fixes people’s homes. Usually people who have disabled kids or are in other difficult situations.

Successful at dating……. The ultimate success would be to find someone who truly wants me, loves, accepts and respects me for who I am. Someone who wants to see me happy and who will wrap their strong arms around me. Someone that I can connect with, respect and admire. Ultimate success would be to have a serious, committed relationship. Yikes. Haven’t had even a somewhat, kind of sort of dating relationship in 10 years. A serious relationship is the ultimate goal. But I’d also be happy if I’d get asked out on some dates. Haven’t been on a date in a few years. Had a couple very casual dates the year I was home (2019), but nothing since. Pretty isolated and lonely. Ha Ha I’m so bad off and starved for interaction and attention I get all excited if a male even talks with me…. like yesterday. Pretty sad.

Hope you had a good day,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Spyce,
LOL. You’ve got me pretty much figured out. I’m not one to sit around and whine. LOL. Thank you I do hope I’m one to not accept a situation but try to change what I can.

Yes, it is tough here. I’m really feeling it …. physically, mentally, emotionally. I need the work, and don’t want to leave my employer in a lurch, either. But I really need to get home. Did have a chat today with Chad, the TWD rep. Not sure I’ll be able to switch agencies right now, but Chad will keep me in mind for upcoming work. I did share my dream of what a turnover database can do for a project and how I’d like to see it used and how much time and money it can save a project. He was impressed and I think it gave him some ideas. We’ll see what happens in the next few weeks. I’m thinking of re-writing my intro on LinkedIn sharing my dream of what a turnover database can do.

Thanks for the advice with Trav. Did talk with him last night. He’s kind of stuck. Jobs he’s finding around there won’t pay enough for him to survive alone and his brother and sister and law are moving in Aug. He will be continuing to look for work but is planning to move with them then look for work in their new location.

Hmmmm. So I’ve revamped some of my beliefs about myself and gotten some relationship courses from Bob Grant and James Bauer (the two best) and some others, so changed some ways I relate to men, but no success yet. Any suggestions of other things I can change? I guess I’ll have to admit I have had opportunities in the last couple years and there have been men interested, but for some reason I wasn’t. I had to laugh. I messaged on meetup one of the guys I kayaked with when I was home. He came back with his email, facebook site and phone number. LOL ??? Did email him and got a response, but last one was just a smilie. Also had something really funny happen today. Young kid sits next to me at work. He just moved in from Newfoundland. I’ve said hi, but really focused on my work. So all of a sudden he’s saying hi and calling me by name. We got to chatting today. Talked for maybe 10 min. He told me about the townhouse complex where he lives and since I’ve kind of been looking for another place he gave me his unit number said to stop by, gave me his phone number. ??? Seems like a nice kid, but I was really surprised at his friendliness. What other things can I change to be more successful dating?

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks. I have tried to accept and support Trav. There are many mistakes I made when they were younger, but I did my best. Both boys seem to understand that and appreciate what I’ve done. I’ll try to catch up with him tomorrow. Yes, I really do feel the education system let both my boys down, especially Trav. I wish I had gone elsewhere for work as that time in southern WY was very negative and detrimental to the boys. Both boys have been through a lot.

I sure hope a man will come along soon! Its been over 20 years so beginning to get discouraged.

I’d say this job is just as difficult as the last and maybe more so. The last project I had a really good team to work with, so that helped. This is not a good team. The project is a disaster and I’m not using my skills hardly at all. I am inside all day and don’t see outside. I do try to get out in the evening. (Interrupting note: City has closed off my street for pedestrians and cafes to put their tables in the street and vendors to set up their booths. Now there’s loud rock music blaring in the street. 🙁 ) I don’t like it here at all. Do not like Sarnia, do not like Ontario. I’m finding out there’s more drugs and crime here than I originally thought. Reminds me of Ohio, that I absolutely hated. The only think I like about here is the paycheck!

Oh, my, Heidi! There’s another single lady at work I just went boating with. I won’t call it kayaking. It was the flat, sit-on kayaks. Went up a very dirty, muddy creek then out to Lake Huron which was pretty rough by the time we got there. Her boats were filthy, full of leaves and spiders. I feel for her. He life has been much like mine. But right now all she can talk about is how she needs to heal, how she doesn’t even want the responsibility of taking care of plants or pets. She thinks she’ll sell the house and live in a camper and travel, which I actually think would be good for her. But she talks all the time and some of its pretty way out there. She likes kayaking and hiking, and I’ll go do more things with her, but don’t want to get very close. She’d drag me down. She’s starved for acceptance. But wow. LOL. I know I’m bad and dysfunctional, but don’t think I’m quite that bad. Wow.

I really need to get home and find work at home. Chad (TWD rep) will be back from vacation this next week so I’m sure will talk more with him. He asked about rate, benefits, etc. so I sent him what I’m making with Brunel. Erin (Hexagon support rep) is also a good resource. Want to focus on getting my permanent residency renewal done then will focus on finding work at home.

Hope you’re enjoying your day and the mountains!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks for understanding my connection to the land. Been starting to talk with the Hexagon (database software) support person that I worked with while I was in Louisiana. She lives in Calgary. Quite a bit younger than me, but she and her friends do over night hikes, snow Chshoeing, etc. They’re off in Waterton this weekend. I’m jealous. So if we continue to become closer friends, maybe I can go do some things with them. Not sure I could keep up, but maybe on some day trips. We’ll see.

In thinking about Dean, he is a bit awkward, and that’s ok. So am I. But he’s…. can I be rude and blunt and say “boring”. He’s not near as active as I am. While he enjoys wildlife and birds, he’s not into it as much as I am. Changed my settings in Zoosk to include men down to 54 so seeing some new faces.

Trav sees the world from a different perspective. He always has. Very intelligent but learns and communicates differently. He would get low grades in math in middle school and high school, not because he was getting the wrong answers but because he wasn’t showing his work, or all the steps the teacher wanted to see. Quite honestly, I truly believe he didn’t know the steps he took to get there. His brain just did it and he wasn’t cognitive of the steps his brain was taking. None of his teachers were open enough, intelligent enough to talk with him and figure out what was going on or even consider he had a different learning style. He might do well with robotics as he thinks outside the box. American (and Canadian) education typically doesn’t consider or acknowledge different learning styles.

I’m sitting here looking at the sunshine and watching the wind in the trees and thinking I should be outside, but can’t think of anywhere to go. 🙁 There’s no Fish Creek or Weaselhead here. 🙁

Enjoy your weekend,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,

Glad your doggie visit went well. Glad there were lots of laughs.

Is it that noticeable that I’m a different person when I’m home? I try to be positive while I’m here. Its really difficult to explain the difference. I definitely feel a depression from my surroundings here but I can’t explain why. It seems like a majority of people aren’t affected by where they live. Me? I’m so connected to the land that I feel it keenly. Strage, as I grew up in the Chicago area with a little time in southern IL and some time in WI. But it never felt like home and from the time I first experienced the mountains knew that’s where I belonged. It feels like the mountains are a part of me, in my heart and soul and spirit and as much as I try, I’m not me when I’m away. Don’t have the foggiest clue how to explain it.

Just seems useless to try to date while I’m here. LOL. I was wondering if that’s what was happening with Dean. I gave him the opportunity to ask if I wanted a ride with him to the ranch. He didn’t bite. With some guys I can totally throw the flirts and play back. Not sure why I’m so backed off with Dean except I really don’t feel a connection. On rare occasions a gentleman will come along that brings out the playful, teasing flirtatious side of me and I love that when it happens. But its been a while.

Trav graduated with a degree in biology. He wanted to go to grad school and go into paleontology. He enjoys research. But his grades weren’t good enough. All the schools wanted a 3.0 and he had a 2.9 or 2.8. I really feel for him.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
How was puppy sitting? They are so fun! Did you have a good holiday?

I’m back in Sarnia. Flew back Sunday. Things are getting busier and I’m getting more involved in work. It will be interesting. The guy I’ll be sitting next to and working closer with when Melissa leaves on mat leave drives me absolutely nuts and his personality really grates on me. He’s very domineering and the way he does things is very, very inefficient. Unfortunately because of the way our positions dovetail I’ll have to be….. yeah…. long explanation. Anyway, I have to use his trackers and cumbersome, very inefficient multiple files. So we’ll see……. Emailed Chad, the TWD rep, that I do want to move ahead with moving over to their company. Think I’ll have more opportunities with them. So we’ll see how that progresses.

Time at home was awesome! Canada Day at Bar U Ranch went ok. Was with Dean and his meetup group. I don’t know how to take him at all. He was taking pics of me (as well as others). He was joking with other about roping people and comes out with a comment saying something about wanting to rope me and tie me up. Then we were in one of the ranch buildings by ourselves (group had kind of spread out) and the floor of the back room was covered in sawdust. Dean was ahead of me in the back room and I was maybe 8ish feet behind him. I asked him what the room was or was for and he said something about it being a kissing room. ????? I don’t have the foggiest clue of what he would have done if I had said Oh, cool. Shall we test it out? I didn’t. I kind of made a Yeah, right face and turned away. Not the foggiest clue of what to think. Thursday evening met up with a lady I worked with in Louisiana. She also is from Calgary. Nice to catch up with her.

Had a wonderful massage Friday for the first time in over a year. Friday night Fire in the Park meetup was cancelled as a thunderstorm dumped rain and hail on the town at the time we were supposed to meet. I had signed up quite a while ago to go kayaking with a paddling meetup on Saturday but was going to cancel and do something else (leader said they would be kayaking 30 k) but all the alternatives I was trying to do didn’t work so I went anyway. So glad! Had a wonderful day with the group. One of the guys I had paddled with before. He had a girlfriend before, but found out that was over so had a good time talking with him. He’s a birding expert so we talked birding and wildlife. Got some wonderful, wonderful pics of peregrine falcons. Doubt I’ll hear from Mike again, but enjoyed the interaction. Had to go back to Sarnia way too soon. 23 more days and I go home again!!!!!

Kind of given up on dating till I can get home. Pretty discouraged. One of the single ladies here suggested I come to her place to kayak on the creek near her house Thursday night, so we’ll see if that pans out. She hasn’t sent me her address yet. I live for my trips home.

Haven’t talked with Trav (youngest son) for a couple weeks. I think he’s given up looking for work around Phoenix. He’d have to make $20/hour or more to survive on his own and he’s not finding anything that will pay that so think he will move with Dustin and Alex this fall. He was going to check into a couple schools that offered courses in robotics so will have to catch up with him soon and see what he’s come up with.

Started on my permanent residency renewal forms. It looks pretty easy. Will try to get that done and sent in within the next couple weeks.

So that’s the news from hot, humid, boring Sarnia.

Have a wonderful, awesome day tomorrow!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
I don’t know if uncomfortable with Dean is the right word. Kind of, maybe more like not connected. Not quite sure how to take him.

I’m kind of hoping to have a job at home by early next year. We’ll see. Need to focus on renewing PR then on switching jobs. I possibly could retire next year, but I really don’t want to. Not quite there financially but also need something to do. May look for something different at home to supplement social security, etc. Don’t know what I’ll do.

Enjoy puppy sitting. LOL. Hope you have a good weekend,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

PS. I forgot to answer the question about work. Yes, I think so. If I move over to TWD (the EPCM – EPCM stands for Engineering, Procurement and Construction Management), I would likely be able to switch jobs sooner than later. Chad said they have an alternative energy project they think they’ll get this fall. While its in Ontario, many people will be working remotely and he thought I could work from home in Calgary. They also have an office here in Calgary. They’re small, so still people oriented. TWD also offers turnover/commissioning services, which is where I’ve worked for the last 9 years. So they would be able to get me work more up my alley than Brunel, which is just a staffing service. I’d say 90% chance I’ll pursue getting on with them. Do not want to go back to Worley. They were not a good company to work for.

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thank you. It is good to be home. I feel like a total different person here. Today (Canada Day) I went with Dean’s meetup group to the Bar U Ranch. Its a historical ranch so we got to see how the real cowboys lived, learned how ranching played a huge role in the development of the country, rode in a horse-drawn wagon. It was ok. Dean? I just don’t know what to think about him. Don’t have the foggiest clue of what he’s thinking about me. And for some reason, I’m not totally comfortable with him. Have no clue why.

Meeting a co-worker from my last job this evening for ice cream. It will be good to catch up with her again. Hair cut tomorrow morning, do some more painting on my deck, massage at 7 then catch up with another meetup group for Fire In the Park. I’ll miss most of it as it starts at 6:30, but was told to come anyway as one of the ladies coming really likes to kayak. Not sure what I’m doing Saturday. Was going to go out to Ya Ha Tinda to look for wild horses with a friend (separate cars as she’s totally paranoid). But the rental place gave me a brand new car. 1600k on it. Still smells new inside and there probably over 60k of dirt/gravel roads out to Ya Ha Tinda. Not sure about taking a brand new rental car out on dirt roads. And Jackie won’t let me ride with her cause she’s afraid of COVID – even though she’s been vaccinated. Whatever. The guy that messaged me about kayaking said he’s already going kayaking somewhere else Saturday, so he’s out. No clue what I’ll be doing Saturday. And…. the street in front of our complex is closed and totally torn up. We got notices that we wouldn’t be able to get in or out of our parking lot for 3 hours on the 29th and 3 hours on the 30th. They lied. It was closed off when I got home last night and still closed off and probably will be closed off tomorrow as well. So no access to our parking lot for 3 days. Fortunately there’s a small shopping center across the street and most of us are parking there. Don’t know if I’ll get kayaking or not. Would have to get out the kayak cart to take it across the street.

Any plans for the 4th?
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Thanks for understanding. Yes, it is a struggle for me there. I should be grateful to have work, and I am, but it is hard. Making friends with a few of the ladies, so we’ll see if maybe I can end up doing some things with them. Do want to take a weekend to run up north. But that’s a 4-hour drive so will have to find a place to camp.

Conversation with Chad went well. I think when I get back I’ll pursue switching over to them. They are an EPCM – Engineering Procurement Construction Management company. That’s what I’m used to working for. Brunel is just a staffing agency. I have to start the paperwork for renewing my permanent residency in Canada when I get back to Sarnia. The immigration company that did my original PR wants almost $1000 to do my renewal. I think I’ll try to do it on my own. It shouldn’t be that difficult.

Tomorrow going to Bar U Ranch with Dean’s meetup group so will see him there. He got my old camera and I owe him some accessories and he’s interested in a couple of my lenses I don’t use. MAYBE have someone to kayak with Saturday. Had a message from someone in one of the paddling groups asking if I had found someone to float the Bow with. We’ll see.

Been a long day. Got into Calgary a few hours ago.

Have a great weekend and if I don’t talk with you again, enjoy the holiday!

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good afternoon, Spyce,
Yes, I knew for a couple months this job wouldn’t be what I wanted, but I was told when Melissa leaves (she’s pregnant and her husband got a job in Toronto) I would be taking over her responsibilities, including the turnover database. I get here and find out that their description of working with the turnover database is totally different than what I think and what I’ll be doing is really basic, administrative work. Nothing technical at all. Different than what I had thought.

Talk with Chad went ok. I found out TDW is an engineering firm, not just a staffing agency like Brunel. They are small but that’s ok. They’re growing and they are looking for people that have a broad range of skills like I do. He also thinks they have an alternative energy project coming up in a few months that would allow me to work from home. I’ll do a little more investigating this week, but I think they will fit my needs better than Brunel so 95% chance I’ll ask to switch. And Chad said he would take care of that. Said he would talk with my boss about it. Probably will pursue that after the holiday.

I don’t know what to do with or for Trav except pray for him and continue to love and support him.

Yes, I think there was a lot more abuse back in their generation than what people thought. I think it was very well hidden. Very few people saw the side of my mom that I and my dad lived with. To everyone on the outside she was happy, loving, caring, giving. What went on inside the walls of our house was very different than what the outside world saw. I don’t think my dad even knew how my mom treated me as she was very good at running me down when he wasn’t around. I know he saw some of it, but I don’t think he realized the extent. So, like I said, my parents gave me sister and I a better home than they grew up in. So while I had a lot of pain and there are consequences from the way I was treated, I can’t be bitter or angry.

Really struggling with depression today. Cloudy and very humid. Went for a drive. Checked out Komoka. There are a couple conservation areas over there. Pretty disappointing. Drove down to Hawk’s Cliff. Very disappointing. Its supposed to be a cliff on Lake Erie where hawks hang out. Got there. A tiny parking lot for 4 or 5 cars. A gravel trail for 50 meters to a community wildlife garden and that was it. Did not find how to get down to the lake or out to the cliff. Humid, cloudy, windy. Trying to get out for walks in this area is more depressing to me than anything else. Does not give me the high like out west. Plus this humidity really bothers me. Tight head, runny nose and stuffed up sinuses…… constantly.

Four more days and I can go home!!!!! Yippee!! Also booked a flight for October. Taking 5 days then. Won’t go home in November, but take maybe 1-2 weeks off at Christmas time. We’ll see.

Hope you’re enjoying your weekend,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good afternoon, Spyce,
We get off at 11:30 on Fridays so have a little bit of time before I go meet Chad, the job placement rep. Looking forward to talking with him.

Yes, I would say my parents were very unhappy. Both came from totally dysfunctional homes. From what I understand, my dad was beat and him mom told him to leave home when he was a teenager because his dad was going to kill him. My mom and her siblings were farmed out to foster homes most of their growing up years as my grandma had some real mental issues. Well, it looked like mental issues and was treated like mental issues. From what I know of my allergies and what allergies can do and how fanatical they were about diet, it could have been allergies, or compounded by allergies. But of course, no one listens to me. So I can’t really fault my parents. They gave my sister and I a much better home than what either of them grew up in. My mom did apologize to me for being so “hard” on me a few years before she died, but I never knew if she was truly sorry or if that was a ploy and show to get me to come back closer to the family. I accepted her apology respectfully but I would never trust any of them again. From my perspective, my sister’s about as genuine as a $7 bill and my dad’s way off the deep end and very dominant. I have to stay away to keep my own mental health at least partially in tact!

Understood Trav has to have his own life. However, right now he’s unemployed and living with his brother and sister-in-law. So some of his issues are affecting others. He just graduated from college with a degree in biology. Not very employable. His plan was to go on for a masters and doctorate but his grades weren’t high enough and 4 grad schools turned him down. So he hasn’t recouped yet to figure out what he’s going to do. That was May 16 he graduated and he’s known for a month before that grad school wasn’t going to work, so he needs to come up with plan B very soon.

Spyce, LOL, NO ONE at this project is happy. It’s a disaster and total mess. I was told I would be working with the turnover database, which is my specialty. I’m finding out I’ll be doing very little with it. And …. yeah, I’ve really got to keep my mouth shut as I know far more about the database than the people who are managing it now. I’m not impressed at all. She’s been running it for 2 years and they’re still paying Hexagon to import data? ??? What???? My boss thinks he knows it. He doesn’t have a clue. I’ll start looking and watching and work with Chad and his company. Really would like to be home sometime between Christmas and May.

FYI…… I just decided black beans and wood smoked BBQ sauce don’t go together very well! 🙂 Just thought you should know that.

Gotta run,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Thank you, Spyce,
Yes, I know my emotions are often related to how tired I am. That does enable me to say, “Just go get some sleep and things will be better.”

Yes, I grew up in a controlling, negative environment. I tried and tried to please my mom (who ran the family and was the primary parent that interacted with me and my sister). Never could. After 2 abusive marriages I said, If I’m going to heal, I have to get away from keeping me down, and that’s my mom. So I pulled away. They never accepted me. Never accepted my boys. I try to be respectful to my dad (mom passed away over a year ago), but that’s it.

Have an appointment this Friday with Chad, the rep from TWD (the employment placement company). I just started this job end of April so I don’t want to up and leave right away. Once I give my word, I want to stay for a while at least. I worked a previous project with the managers that hired me. The former project was the best I’ve been on and have a lot of respect for these people and don’t want to disappoint them.

Yes, I’m not sure if Trav is being honest or not, but he seems to be ok with who he is. He says he’s ok with his temper and he wants to be a loner. All I can do is accept and love him for who he is. I’ll talk with him again Sunday. Up till the 3rd or 4th grade he was very charming, very much a people person, made friends easily. But once the bullying started, he totally changed. I truly believe, the charming, friendly, people person is still there. Just buried under layers and layers of pain. But he has to want to get rid of that. I can’t tell him to.

Yay! One week from tonight I’ll be on the plane home! Yippee!!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Thank you, Spyce,
I’ll see if I can give your message a better response now.

Yeah, last night was really tough. When I get these attacks it really messes with my mind and emotional state and I was pretty overwhelmed. Feeling some better today. Still have a sinus pain and pressure in my head but not quite so bad. Glad its ok to be down occasionally.

I’ve been alone pretty much my whole life. No real connection ever with my family. Married twice with no connection, no relationship and no support. Both abusive and they were both users. I supported both men. My parents didn’t do anything with my boys or interact with them at all. Didn’t even come for my oldest’s high school graduation. So I’ve pretty much been alone my whole life. Raised the boys with no help or support. I’ve had one short relationship that was close enough where we could look at each other and know what the other was thinking. I do miss that closeness.

Really struggling with allergies and the weather here. Its really making me sick so looks like I’ll be inside a lot. Isolated. Did try out my new treadmill tonight and its nice so at least I can get some indoor exercise.

Yea, job here is anything but good. A paycheck and that’s about it. Got my resume to the other employment company that handle some of the contractors here. They have offices back in Alberta. Will be talking with their rep here more in the next few weeks. He thinks they might have opportunities coming up out west. This is the worst project I’ve been on and a huge mess.

Not so disappointed in Craig leaving as it just re-emphasized that its pretty useless to look for a relationship while I’m working away from home.

Yeah, family situation is not fun at all. My sister has always been their pet. She’s as bull-headed and stubborn as my parents and much like my mom. My mom ran the family. She ran me into the dirt and ran my dad into the dirt. According to her he was nothing without her. I could do nothing right and according to her, a bad person. My dad is very narrow-minded. There are only 2 ways – his way (the right way) and the wrong way. He’s always right and listens to no one. My sister doesn’t realize it, but she’s the same way. She always has a reason why my suggestions are wrong. What makes it more difficult is they are very religious – to the point of being cultish. My mom was very manipulative and controlling and very much a drama queen (and my sister is much the same). She’d use God and religion to manipulate her way. God won’t love you, won’t listen to you if you…. blah blah blah. They send me straight to hell because I don’t buy all their religious rules. Very, very dysfunctional. They live out in the boondocks cuz they can’t get along with people. They run their own “ministry” that’s supposed to be missionary work. Totally vegan, no sugar, anti-medical. Home school her grandkids because even Christian schools will corrupt them. My sister wears these long, straight dresses. My dad has bleeding on the brain. Not really strokes, but these many, many ministrokes. So its changed his personality. And my sister keeps trying to reason with him and explain to him she can’t do everything and it antagonizes him. I’ve suggested she get him on some medication to tone and simmer down his anger and criticism. Also suggested she just play along with him and give him lip service then go quietly about doing what she needs to. She’s blown both of those off and not responded. She also claims she can’t get any decent help and she can’t have someone come in and help with the cooking cuz they can’t cook for him. Her oldest granddaughter is there helping – and being home schooled instead of being in college.

You hit the nail on the head when you talked about children not wanting to spend parent’s money without explicit permission. But my sister has said he’s not in his right mind, can’t manage his finances any more and besides he wants to spend all his money on the “ministry” publishing books he’s written, etc. instead of on his care. Last time I visited there must have been 6-8 PALLETS! of religious books he’s written and printed that he was going to send out as missionary books and I think many were to go overseas to Africa. I have no clue if they were ever sent or are still sitting there. And then I feel guilty as the Bible says to respect your parents and listen to them. No they aren’t hurting for money. When I told my sister I thought she should use the money for my dad’s care she snapped back at to me to forget she even asked. Very, very dysfunctional situation that I really struggle with.

Oh, talked with my youngest tonight. He was sick last night. He’s better today. I tried to ask questions and listen rather than “give advice”. He said the pull with his friends here is that they accept him the way he is. He feels they are willing to help him out when he needs them. He doesn’t have other friends like that. He said he’s ok being a loner and not having many friends. He says he’s happy with himself and his accomplishments but he feels society doesn’t accept him. Most of the things he enjoys doing aren’t really employable. I’ve tried to pick his brain to see what he’s interested in that’s employable. He wanted to go on for a masters and doctorate but his grades weren’t good enough to get into grad school so he’s stuck and having to form a plan B. I’ve tossed out several suggestions, sent him several links and said I’d catch up with him again Sunday.

Didn’t sleep last night so guess I’d better get to bed and see if I can get some sleep tonight.

Thanks for listening to me unload.

Smiles,
Rhonda

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