[Rhonda R]

Good evening, Heidi,

There were other things about Marcel. I got strong indications God is not a part of his life. He isn’t into wildlife. He stays most of the time in Radium and I suggested I take some time off in Nov and come over for the mountain sheep rut. He totally blew that off. Its a big deal in Radium. They have the Headbanger Festival in Nov. He acted like he didn’t even know what the rut was and definitely wasn’t interested. And I’m sure he doesn’t kayak. Has some good qualities, but not interested.

So I do like your idea of being more curious and trying to figure out why a guy acts like he does. I will have to work on that. 🙂 I have no clue why a guy would cuss so much. He’s really happy, positive guy that smiles and laughs all the time. So why he would cuss like that, I have no clue – other than maybe that’s what he grew up with and is used to. What do you think? Why would a happy, positive, confident guy cuss like that so much?

And good for you for breaking into the guys circle! 🙂 Are you still working that job with the same group?

So had an interesting experience this week. I was out in the hall – with lots on my mind and focused – and noticed Shiraz kind of out of the corner of my eye and said a quick Hi. Five minutes later I get a message on Teams from Shiraz asking if I was ok, that I didn’t seem like my usually happy self. (I didn’t realize he saw me that way.) I thanked him for asking and just talked a little about how frustrated I am and how I feel I’m not performing up to my standard. He came back with some encouraging words and said he was glad that was it as he was thinking maybe I was upset with him. I assured him, no, I wasn’t upset with him at all, that I really appreciated working with him as he’s been great to work with. He replied that he also appreciated working with me and I’ve been good to work with. So that was really sweet of him to ask.

I’ve also planned an R3 project reunion. There’s 10 or so of us here from that project. Enlisted Patti’s help to plan it. She and I went out to eat a couple nights ago to do some planning. That was fun. Talked till 9. She gave me some insights at work. Suggested I talk with Darren (Andrew’s boss), so I had a 5-min conversation with Darren the other day. Went well. Darren was very supportive. He’s leaving on vacation for a week so we’ll talk more when he gets back. I got the feeling there will be some changes at work. Also had a nice conversation with my staffing agency rep this evening. I had sent her an email asking about work in Calgary so she was wondering what was going on. So I explained things to her. She’s talking with the NOVA person she works with tomorrow and will mention some of my comments. So again, I’m thinking we should be seeing some positive changes in the next month or so.

My pocketbook took a bit hit last night. LOL. I ordered a new lens for my camera. Its a special order. Unfortunately I don’t think it will be in when I go home. Probably have to wait till I go home in October to get it. First think I’ll do with it is head to the dog park. There’s a big dog park down by the Bow River in Calgary.

So things are going better. Topped off by I’ll be on the plane for home in a week from tomorrow. 🙂

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Well,so much for Marcel. We talked for about an hour tonight. I was lucky to get in 100 words. He would interrupt me and change the subject back to himself. I WAS interested. He’s very interested so not sure what I’m going to do. Again, its me walking away from an opportunity. Not interested. (sigh) Conversation was a big turnoff. Dunno what to do. 🙁

[Rhonda R]

Good afternoon, Heidi,
Right now I’m very angry. Just turned on my computer and first head line was, “This will force people’s hands.” The ministry of transport has mandated (from what I understand its NOW a mandate) to be vaccinated to travel. Meaning there’s a very good chance I won’t make it home for September. I think that’s totally unfair, controlling, manipulating, and a money grab for the pharmacy. I can see saying anyone who books a flight now has to be vaccinated, but looks to me like their cheating people who have already booked flights out of their flights. Will call West Jet tomorrow and see what’s up. A surprise law like that is totally unfair. I feel cheated, manipulated, controlled and like I’m living in a dictatorship. I don’t know if I find a place to get vaccinated tomorrow will they give me another one in a 10 days? Don’t know. I’m pretty angry right now. Media flat out said its a move to force people to do something they don’t want to do….(10 min later) Ok. I can breathe. That’s coming. First article talked like it was enforced now. Another article says its after Trudeau’s re-election. Trudeau will enforce it if he’s re-elected. I believe I’m safe for my September trip! Yippee!!!!! He’s making that an election campaign issue. I hope he gets ousted royally!!!

So cool you’re a strength coach and know how to get back in condition. Hope you were able to get out some today. Do you have a lot of smoke there from fires?

I’m glad I went yesterday. Good for me to get out and socialize and I felt more comfortable than I thought I would. Did I learn anything about men? LOL. They like to talk a lot. I couldn’t hardly get a word in edge-ways. But all three of the guys have traveled extensively – all over South America, Norway, west Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Thailand. I haven’t. So I just listened. There was no space for me to talk anyway, and I’m not one to butt in. What else have I learned? A couple weeks ago I organized a farewell dinner for Melissa and her husband Roberto. Roberto had worked on the project for a bit and knew the guys and wanted to see them again before they moved to Toronto. (Melissa is the girl I replaced. She’s pregnant and her husband left this project for a job in Toronto.) I’m used to the boss taking everyone out for a farewell dinner. He didn’t so I organized it. Everyone came except Dan G (because Andrew came). Not a one of them offered to pay for Melissa and Roberto’s meal. Made me mad so I picked up their tab. So I’m learning men out here aren’t gentlemen. Grrrrrr. Both of them were positive members of the team and I think its very low on Andrew’s part not to do anything for them when they left. What else did I learn about men? Every single one of the men yesterday had at least 3 beers and all three of them were driving. Not impressed. It also seems like one of the ways men unwind is to just get together, enjoy some beers and talk about anything but work. I think that helped them unwind from the stress at work. Kind of fun to be a fly on the wall and listen to man talk. Ed, one of the guys, every five words was holy fuck. Not impressed.

I think I’ve recognized the fear, hurt, pain and anger from my past. And I believe I’m let it go – or tried to. I now need to replace that all with new beliefs, which I haven’t been so good at doing. I will try to use more of those manifestation methods and techniques. Like I’m telling myself I’m an interesting, bright conversationalist and a warm, loving, fun lady that can attract any man. Should help my conversation with Marcel (the new gentleman I’m talking with on Zoosk) go well this evening. He wanted to text more last night. I asked if late this afternoon would work and said I’d be able to give him 100% of my attention then. He said he’d make it work. I hope he does text. I’m interested enough to get to know him better. We’ll see.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good morning, Heidi,
LOL. Oh, ok. Now I know why you mentioned hypnosis. I went and listened to that video again then up in the corner of my screen I saw Marissa is a hypnotherapist. I didn’t catch that earlier. I have a MAJOR problem with letting someone else control my mind so not going there. But what I heard in this video is the same thing you told me – describe what you want in dynamic, vivid language and create a picture in living color. And another point she mentions that I need to work on is talk in the NOW, not the future. I AM a wonderful pet photographer. I AM a loving, warm, fun lady who IS CURRENTLY attracting wonderful men. I AM a contributing member of the team at work. I AM a healthy, strong, THIN woman with a fantastic metabolism to burn my fat off.

So I finally got an appointment to get my first shot. I resent it and don’t believe in its effectiveness, especially since Pfizer is about the only one available in Canada its probably the least effective of all of them. Will get Aztecan if I can. The catalyst behind getting it is Trudeau’s threat to make vaccines mandatory for DOMESTIC travel. He has dissolved parliament and called for an election in Sept, I think hoping to be re-elected before the media predicted “4th wave” comes through and he loses more popularity. Its a manipulative, political move on his part and I’m praying he gets ousted royally. He desperately needs to go. I would end up committing suicide if I couldn’t go home so figured a vaccine, whether it does anything or not, is the better option. Its 100% totally to appease others, not because I want it or think I need it. Nothing in it for me except the freedom to go home. The other thing I’m doing is upping my vitamin D intake – which is more effective than the vaccine. Vitamin D is proven to help prevent COVID and also to lessen its symptoms. But of course the medical field won’t tell you that and the media won’t put that out there. Anyway, when I saw Trudeau was planning on making vaccines mandatory for DOMESTIC travel I panicked. I could see that becoming mandatory one week before my already booked flight and I’d have to cancel. I’m safe for my Sept flight. Won’t happen till after he’s re-elected IF he gets re-elected, but could happen for my October flight. That thought was enough to push me to get it. GRRRRRRR I feel controlled and manipulated.

Weather.ca says its 80% humidity right now. 🙁 Foggy. Supposed to burn off later today. So I think it will be the treadmill this morning. 80% humidity is too high for me!

Enjoy your day! Hope you can get out and enjoy being up and outside without any tubes today! 🙂 🙂

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Congrats on being tube free!!!!! Yippee!!!! I’m celebrating with you. Doing anything this weekend to celebrate and get out a bit more? Hopefully no more surgeries or medical issues for you for a while!

Hmmmmmmm. I’m lost. So what I’m hearing is when I get depressed or tighten up I need to try to figure out what in my past is making me feel that way. I have no clue how I’m holding on to anything. Release it? Not the foggiest clue. But anyway……. I totally missed anything about hypnosis in that video. It reminded me more of what you were telling me to do – vividly imagine what I want and describe it in depth. She also said don’t talk in future terms or future goals, state it in the present. I can do that…… I can create pictures of what I want – pictures of me getting awesome pics and the dog park and people wanting to buy them, pictures of me on a romantic date and being treated like I’m very special. I can tell myself, I am….. in vibrant descriptive language. That’s supposed to change the subconscious. As far as the depression, I tie it 100% to being away from things I love and where I feel like myself. Rarely have depression when I’m at home. That year I was home, even though the job was pretty dysfunctional and I wasn’t treated with respect, I don’t remember ever being really depressed. I made friends, had fun on the weekends…….

I don’t know that things will be better with Dan gone. While it was a bit annoying, I could deal with his drama. Wish Andrew would leave. The turnover rate on our team is the highest I’ve ever seen. One year and Dan’s the third instrument and electrical guy to leave. The civil guy also left. There’s been at least two piping guys. My position, the doc control for the team, I’m the 4th one in the last year and a half. Why they keep him around, I have no clue. He’ll totally contradict what Darren, his boss, says. He’s two-faced, no one has any respect for him. He’s made enemies with the contractors. He’s ok to me, but he also knows I’m friends with his boss (a NOVA person) and the lead engineering manager (a NOVA person) on the project. I’ve also made some pretty good brownie points with some of the other NOVA people, so Andrew is playing the politics and being at least ok to me where some of the others, he’s not. (NOVA is the company building the plant. Andrew and the rest of our team are contractors to help with turnover from construction to NOVA.)

Sooooo…. Garfield, the gentleman on Zoosk I was interested in a few weeks ago has disappeared. I don’t see him on the site any more. Barry, I just found out, has a girlfriend. Barry had suggested to the other guys on the team that they meet for beers after work today. Hugo, the guy I work closest with then invited me, so I went and joined them even though I don’t drink. It was very nice of Hugo to ask me and I did enjoy it…. ha ha… even though most of what I did was listen to the guys talk. So good for me for getting out and going instead of declining. It was a nice visit.

So the new gentleman I just started talking with asked me to text Thursday evening. I didn’t immediately, but waited till this afternoon. He texted back and sent pics of his place and his garden. Seems like a really nice man. We’ll see how it goes. We do have a lot in common.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Heidi,
Just found this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0zvh5nLCfo
I can do this.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Oh, wow! Doesn’t sound like you’ve been feeling well for a while. Those tubes don’t sound like fun at all! I can’t imagine! I do hope you’re tube free now! When was the last time you were able to go out hiking? So glad you’re feeling better
So…… new developments at work. Dan G quit. He didn’t show up Monday and Andrew was all hush hush claiming he didn’t know where Dan was. Darren (Andrew’s boss) told me today Dan quit. Quit or given an ultimatum, I’m not sure. Andrew is also out for a little bit. Either he or someone in his immediate family is having medical issues. Andrew called us all in for a meeting yesterday. Didn’t say anything about Dan but said we were going to have to get along and all work as a group without him for a while. All three of my other co-workers have mentioned at some point at time that we are doing our jobs without Andrew’s leadership, so its actually easier with him gone. The longer he’s gone, the happier I’ll be. He does more getting in the way than anything else.

So…. I don’t have the foggiest clue of how to access things in my subconscious and get rid of them. I used to write poetry in high school and college. A few years ago my first ex returned some of those memorabilia he had taken when we split up. I read some of it. Wow. I had a LOT of pain back then. But that didn’t help. No need to dig up dead bones, though, and I’d much rather look forward than backward. My depression is from nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to do it with. It makes no sense to me to bring it up and talk about it and relive the past. I certainly would be open to learning more about how to build new beliefs.

The gentleman I just started talking with wants me to text. He said I seem like a nice, trusting person. I think I’ll go out of my comfort zone and text him. He does have quads. I don’t like quads at all. As long as he keeps them on his property and doesn’t take them to the mountains and destroy the environment I’m ok with it.

Off for some exercise. I should get on the treadmill, but its half way decent out this evening. When I get back will send off a resume to that company in Calgary.

I hope you’re celebrating being tube free!!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
My baseline? I’d like to have an attraction of a minimum of 7 and maybe higher. I try not to make judgment calls on people I don’t know. So if there’s some attraction, I’ll take the opportunity to get to talk with them at least for a bit. Rule out smokers, atheists, agnostics, hunters/fishermen and if they post a pic of them drinking, or if they looks scruffy and grumpy. But there was one gentleman who kept showing up in my Zoosk views. Zoosk says how long ago someone viewed your profile so I could tell he was looking at it fairly regularly. So I thought, if he shows up again, I’ll message him. Sure enough, the next day he did. Not a huge attraction, but some. I’d say more curiosity than attraction. He lists “spiritual” rather than “Christian” but decided to see what he was about. Messaged him, “Hi, I see you keep popping up in my views. Care to talk? Your woodworking projects fascinate me.” Got a nice answer back the next day. Have exchanged another set of messages. He seems pretty nice. Writes well and is involved with his kids/grandkids. We’ll see. Not a strong attraction, but enough to check him out. LOL. I keep thinking of the story of the lady who fell in love with a homeless man. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEYuNKVW0Ns Kind of a cool story.

Yeah, very nice of Liam to help me out Friday. It did go ok. He’s a sweetheart.

Process emotions? I really don’t feel anger very often. Really don’t remember being angry with my boys. The ex isn’t worth thinking about. Parents? After all they went through while growing up, I can’t be angry with them. Sometimes I think I’ve lost the ability to feel anything…..Ha Ha except depression when I’m tired.

Two weeks from tonight I’ll be in my own bed at home! So after just saying I’ve lost the ability to feel…… I can sure feel excited about going home! LOL Yippy!!!! So excited and looking forward to it. Happy dance. Happy dance!

Are you feeling better? Getting up and around a little more?
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Oh, P.S. Yes, did go to Liam’s. It went ok. Was only there 5-10 min. Long enough for him to pull the clip out of my shaft. I didn’t bring up the blades. I’ll get some allen wrenches tomorrow. Have some at home but didn’t bring them.

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
I could practice my skills with Dan. Definitely open to ideas.

Do I believe its possible to be attracted higher than a 5 to a man? Yes.

Can I yell and let out anger? It is really very rare that I get angry. Its just not worth it. When I do, I’m not sure that I scream and yell, but I will let someone know exactly what I think and I don’t mince any words. My oldest told me I don’t just get out the 2x4s but I get out the tanks and AK47s. I told him, Dustin, the first time I have to talk with you about something, I do it quietly and normally. The second time it will be a bit more firmly. I don’t get out the 2x4s till the 3rd or 4th time I have to go over the same thing with you. Tanks and AK47s don’t come out till the 5th or 6th time I have to talk to you about the same thing. So if you don’t want me to get out the tanks, listen the first time around. Think I only had to get out the 2x4s maybe once in the next couple years before he left home. Last time I was really angry was with my uncle (3or 4 years ago). His youngest daughter was being bullied badly at work and her husband was good friends with them and sided with them. They all worked at the same place. He also had an emotional affair with another younger girl. My uncle consistently told her she was paranoid, people weren’t treating her badly, her husband was only comforting the girl cuz her dad had died. She finally did spiral down into mental illness and while she’s doing much, much better, she’s still on medication. I told him several times he wasn’t supporting Kirsten and was treating her badly. Kay, Kirsten’s older sister, told him the same thing. I approached him many times about it and I know Kay had more than one discussion with him telling him he was wrong in how he treated Kirsten. Then he wrote me the sickest, most dysfunctional, twisted, scariest email saying God wanted Kirsten’s husband to comfort this other girl cuz her dad had died and backing her husband in his emotional affair. That’s when I lost it and totally blew up at him. I flat out told him I wanted nothing more to do with his God and that I was furious with him. I haven’t talked with him much since then. Mostly because there’s no way, no way at all, I’ll ever give him the opportunity to treat me the way he treated Kirsten. All trust is totally blown out of the water. So, ya, I can let someone know exactly what I think. But its very rare. Someone treats me in a way that hurts enough to make me angry I’m much more likely to leave than fight and get mad. Kind of gotten the attitude now that if you’re going to treat me bad, that’s your choice if you want to treat someone like that. But it won’t be me you’re treating badly. I’m gone. I’m not willing to put up with bad treatment, but I also won’t get drug into spending energy on getting angry and arguing. I just simply leave.

Bored to death today. I hate weekends here! Did go get some photos of some goldfinch. Walked about 5 k. But pretty tired and a bit hurting today. Too bad. Its sunny and a cool breeze blowing. Three weeks I’ll be home!!! Can’t wait!

Hope there’s some sunshine in your room today!
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good afternoon, Heidi,
LOL. I’m laughing again. Quiet doesn’t always equate to “sweet” with me. I tend to lower my voice and talk with a very, what do I say, firm? Sarcastic? Hard? Don’t-mess-with-me, I-mean-what-I-say? kind of tone. I did like what you said to the inside me. I copied it and put it where I can easily get to it. I do sometimes tell myself, I am a wonderful person that everyone likes. And I’ll repeat it till I start feeling it.

As for Dan, I know he doesn’t feel appreciated. He and our immediate supervisor butt heads badly. I have a lunch bag that says, “You’re appreciated” on it. He saw that and laughed and said that was awesome. And asked if I felt that way here. I said, No. He may be wanting to do something great to be appreciated for. He may also just want the attention. The fact he calls everyone Buddy would also indicate to me he badly wants to be accepted and appreciated. While I may not understand the “why” I do know that if a guy like that started showing any interest I would run as fast as I could the other direction.

Oh, my….. have I ever felt an attraction over a 5? So I met a guy on Christian Mingle I thought I wanted to marry. Maybe 6 years ago? We still talk. A couple years ago he came up and spent Thanksgiving with me, but I think it was more because he was spending it alone and his kids were all at his ex’s (who had just moved back into town and was going to the extended family Thanksgiving dinner so he didn’t want to go.(He still got along well with her family and always took the kids to their Thanksgiving dinner – she had left and moved across the country)). We had a good time. But he had let me know right after we first met there was no connection and he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship. Which is probably good. He has a really cold, legalistic side and never did get over bitterness about his wife leaving. But was there ever a really deep attraction? Dunno.

I also think of a man I spent a few months with when the kids were young. Ray smoked and drank wayyyyy too much, but there was a very close connection. The kind where we could feel each other and look at each other and know what the other was thinking. But he also could do that with other women. We were at a bar dancing and he said to me, (She) wants to dance so went and gave her a dance. Which was ok. But he just had that ability. His kids were older and gone and he didn’t want kids. And it wouldn’t have lasted as smoking and drinking are deal breakers for me, but there was a strong connection, probably the strongest I’ve ever had. Would like to find that again.

Yes, I understand what Bob and James are trying to say, is not that its my fault I’m not getting a man, but want me to understand that it is possible and I can be attractive and help me develop the traits that draw a man. So I understand that, but with my background of everything being my fault, its easy to get that other message, too. I’m to the place where I’m really thinking that if I could meet more men I would find someone and be able to connect. I’m not meeting anyone here – and don’t want to. I’m going home as fast as I possibly can. Any man who wants me would have to move to the mountains. I’m not giving up that part of me. And I think that’s why I didn’t connect with Dean. I’d have to move into his world and give up too much of who I am (kayaking, longer hikes, camping). He’s not near as active as I am. Super nice man and would take good care of me, but……

Don’t know why I”m nervous about going over to Liam’s. Just the thought of being alone with a guy in his house? There are only two women that I feel comfortable going to their house. I’d far rather meet someone in a public place. Perhaps its this nagging feeling that if I were to encourage the relationship he could be interested in more? Men never ask me to their house and he’s done so twice. ????? Not sure of his motivation for asking me over. The first time he was going to show me his place as he knew I was looking for another place to live. He lives in a townhouse complex so the units would all be very similar. This time its to fix my paddle and rotate wheels on my blades. He has tools there that he brought from Newfoundland. I don’t see him interacting a lot with other people at work. Seems a little more on the quieter side. Dunno.

Gotta go.
Hope you’re feeling better,
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Yeah, so what my mom said probably is the base for that belief that its my fault I’m still single. But also all these coaching lessons I’ve taken, even the two that I respect the most (James Baugher and Bob Grant) put out that idea that if a woman is a certain way men won’t be able to resist her. Even this site.. Be Irresistible… Bob’s program Women Men Adore… so if I learn all the right skills, men would want me. So there are many messages from many places telling me if I’d do the right things / have the right attitudes / display the right attributes, men would want me. So now, if I were to answer my mom, I’d just quietly say, Well, Mom, do you think maybe the kids don’t accept me because I dress differently, can’t listen to the same music? Maybe its because daddy is the principal and I get top grades? That wouldn’t have anything to do with it at all, would it? When her words come to mind I just tell that voice that I’m not buying that message, that it isn’t true and move on to thinking something else. I also tell myself the same thing I told my boys when they were bullied… You can’t control how others treat you. Its a reflection on them, not you. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, but that’s their problem, not yours. All you can do is decide how you will react to it. You can choose to let it tear you apart or you can choose to ignore it and rise above it.

Heidi, I’m laughing. An attraction of 5 is high for me. LOL. Much higher than the 0 attraction I have for 99% of the men out there. Yes, if I thought he were more interested, there would be more attraction. So yesterday Barry pretty much ignored me. This morning he was back in the morning and talked about some of his travels for probably 10 minutes. When he comes by I give him the warmest smile I can and a warm good morning. When he’s talking I give him my undivided attention. I’m sure I’ve noticed it before, but I really noticed this morning….. he has very beautiful, soft brown eyes. Soft, beautiful eyes are totally mesmerizing to me. I just melt with a smile and beautiful eyes.

Dan? Not a clue. I don’t know him very well. But there’s this twist to him. He stirs up a big hubub then calls everyone Buddy. ???? What confuses me is he made this big deal over unstamped vendor drawings. These are drawings that give the details of components that are shipped to site, like the UPS units. They only give the details of the unit, give no information on how to install them. Installation details and wiring details are on other drawings. And yet he’s insisting that the contractor is using these unstamped drawings for construction. ???? No they aren’t. Even I recognized that and he’s supposed to be the electrical specialist and familiar with all kinds of electrical drawings. ??? I can’t believe he hasn’t seen vendor drawings like this before. Something isn’t right. I don’t know if he’s trying to be a hero and catch big errors????? But he makes a big huge deal out of the smallest things. No clue. He’s not gaining anything. Making himself look bad. Not sure what he’s gaining out of all of this. Getting very mixed messages. I can’t see that its helping him at all to be a drama queen. I don’t get it at all. He seems to feed off of pointing out how messed up this project is. Not going to help anyone. Dunno. Not a clue. Definitely not on the same page with him at all. I’m wondering if he’s really insecure.

Glad you’re enjoying staying in bed. I can understand it being comfy and peaceful.

Me? Why did I ignore my body and go kayaking and rollerblading? Mostly because my mental needs were much higher than my physical needs. I really wasn’t hurting that bad when I put the inflatable on the Ausable in the Pinery. My arm was fine then, it was just my ribs I had strained and they weren’t hurting that bad then. Again, wasn’t hurting too bad when I went to the reservoir and was able to paddle in such a way that it didn’t hurt my arm (or ribs) too bad. It actually seemed to loosen my arm up and it felt better when I got back. Saturday, I didn’t know we were going to paddle that far upstream. Again, I really wasn’t hurting too badly when I started out. I had been dying to get on the river for 2 years so was not going to pass up this opportunity. Chiropractor has said to use my arm and stretch it, not baby it and not use it.

Think I’m going to finally get the courage to go over to Liam’s tomorrow afternoon. He has tools and has said he’ll swap the wheels on my blades for me and I also lost the pin in my paddle shaft where it breaks apart. It fell out and slid down in the shaft and he thinks he can get it out. He’s a sweetheart, but way, way too young for me and drinks too much.

Hope you’re feeling better and able to get up for a short walk.
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
Glad you’re able to get up for short walks, anyway. Maybe every day they can be a little longer. The smoke doesn’t sound like fun. Do you have an air filter in your room/house to take the smoke out? Phoenix and southern UT got flooded a week or so ago. Guess CA didn’t get any of those rains.

Good for you for listening to your energy levels. LOL. Not going to be like me? Three days After I sprained my ribs, I was paddling in the inflatable (much more resistance and harder to paddle). The a week later fell rollerblading and did something to my arm. Couldn’t even put it up to my face, but 3 days latter I wad kayaking on the reservoir at home. Paddled 27 k that weekend. Finally went to a chiropractor and he asked me what in the world I was doing or trying to prove. LOL. Ribs feel better and he showed me how to massage the muscles/tendons and its doing better today. Do hope you continue to get better quickly. Do you get bored being in bed so long? Oh, that would drive me absolutely insane! I’d send you some pics to look at if I had an email. Hmmmmm. Maybe I do. I’ll have to see if I can find it again.

I do sometimes struggle to “be myself” as growing up I had to be what my mom wanted me to be. Trying to be what would please parents/teachers/boyfriend(s), husband(s) and just doing what I had to do to provide for the boys. I’m kind of a kaleidoscope. I feel I have so many layers and sides. I love being around a man that can bring out the buried, playful, flirtatious, feminine side of me – which I know is there, but usually buried from the responsibilities of life.

Yea, it does feel like if I were doing “something” better, I wouldn’t be single. I appreciate you telling me I’m doing a lot of things right. That helps to know that. I was bullied quite a bit 5th thru 9th grades. (top grades in the class, dad was principal of the small, parochial school, I was not allowed to dress the way the others were in the mid to late 60s, was not allowed to listen to the same music….) I’d come home feeling bad from the way the kids had treated me and my mom would tell me it was my fault. If I were (whatever), the kids wouldn’t treat me that way, so I internalized that when I was treated badly it was my fault. What a HORRIBLE trap for a woman! That’s the biggest reason I ended up in two abusive marriages.

Barry? Yes, physically attracted to him. He’s not a model, but neither am I. I’d say he’s at least a 7. How attracted am I to him? Maybe 5. I don’t think he’s interested and I doubt he’ll ever ask me out. I thought maybe he would, but I don’t think so now. I could have dated Rod a few years ago. I suspect I could have dated Dean. I had to get very firm and tell another guy to “get lost!!” a few years ago. Met him on a dating site and gave him my phone number. Big mistake. So I’ve had opportunities. Just not attracting anyone I’m interested in.

So NOVA has hired a commissioning company to I think make a schedule??? Not sure what they’re doing, but our commissioning manager asked me to jump on a call with a rep from this company and a couple other people from site. Andre (the man from the commissioning company) needed data sheets and other information so I listened, made a few comments and offered to spend some time after the call with Andre and just go through some of the info with him after the call. So everyone else jumped off and I spent oh, another half hour to 45 min answering questions for him and helping him understand the database export he was sent and get him familiar with the project data. Also sent him another spreadsheet with other information for him. I got in this morning and he had sent our commissioning manger and a few other people a note that said I had been very helpful. That was really kind of him. I asked for his LinkedIn site as I couldn’t find it. He sent it right away so I sent him a LinkedIn connection invite tonight. He and the company he works with are based out of Calgary. He indicated they might be hiring right now. We’ll see what he comes back with.

Dan, the coordinator/co-worker I said is a drama queen was at it again this morning. All in a frenzy about some vendor drawings that he thought should have an engineering stamp but didn’t. Somehow he made it my problem ????? so I chased it down for him …. again (as I’ve done for other issues for him) …. He was talking on and on about how this was a huge deal and could have huge impact and was definitely going to cause me a lot of time ???? and on and on. I haven’t figured him out, but my gut makes me nervous. He seems to make big huge deals out of simple things and also seems to twist things up. He also seems to think things are going to make tons of work for me and it just isn’t true. I’ve got to be very careful how much credit I give what he says. Its kind of scary. He seems to want me to take responsibilities that really I shouldn’t be. And I don’t know how much sense any of that made as I’m giving you a pin-hole picture through a big wall into a huge room. But I sure wouldn’t be crying crocodile tears if another good job came up!

Enjoy your evening! Get lots of rest and get to feeling better! 🙂
Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Hi, Heidi,
So glad your surgery went well! How long do you think recovery will take? Are you up and around now? I’m praying you’ll be completely back to yourself soon.

I think you’re right with that need to be “perfect” and protect myself. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Don’t think I’ve mastered that tight rope of needing a man without coming across as being needy. I will never forget. I was probably 8ish. My mom asked me if I WANTED (key word, WANTED) to set the dining room table for dinner. I casually gave her the truth – a casual No and then followed it up with, But I’ll do it anyway. She whipped me. Physically took a belt to me. I learned at a young age I’d better give her the answer she wanted or I would be punished. I could not be honest with her. I remember in high school taking an aptitude test. I remember freaking out and panicking thinking, What’s the right answer? What’s the answer they want to hear? Both my ex’s, but especially the last one, would beat me up verbally for nothing. He was a very insecure, angry man. I was always on guard with him. He’d try to ease my mind and after a bit I’d let my guard down slightly and he’d nail me again. Never failed. The only thing I could trust about him was that he couldn’t be trusted.

Heidi, I love to dance – partner dance. I love just melting in a man’s arms and letting him lead and float me across the floor. Haven’t been out dancing in years.

I feel paralyzed in Ontario. Just very little motivation to do anything or go anywhere. All I want to do is crawl in a hole, retreat and hide. LOL. No paralysis when I’m at home in Calgary. I’m a totally different person when I”m home.

Yes, there’s an attraction to Barry. He’s an outdoors person. I didn’t get to know him really well in Alberta, but here I get to watch him interact a little more. He’s calm and positive. He just dove into his job and started working it. He seems to be a strong male without being overly dominant. I like that. I obviously don’t know him well enough to know if I’d be interested in a serious relationship, but I’m definitely interested in getting to know him well enough to find out.

Thank you for letting me know I do have a feminine side and I’m doing things at least somewhat right. 🙂 I’ll keep focusing on those things – smiles and appropriate compliments.

Smiles,
Rhonda

[Rhonda R]

Good morning, Heidi,
I know I’m overloading my messages……

Just thought you should know, though……. (big grin)….. The skies are bluer in Norway than they are here in North America but the gulls sound just the same. Scenery is absolutely stunning. LOL. Took a walk/run on the treadmill this morning. I’ve found some virtual running videos. This one was along a fjord in Norway. It was awesome. I’ve always wanted to go to NZ but its very expensive. I think I’ll look into a trip to Sweden/Norway and see if that might be a bit less.

Have an AWESOME day!

Smiles,
Rhonda

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