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I hope you don’t mind if I step in here with just an opinion, but if you read my post about “casual gone wrong” you will see I am in the same situation, just on the opposite side. He is the one finalizing the divorce.
He told me he cannot get into anything serious/official until his divorce is finalized and here is the difference. I RESPECT him for that and think that says a lot about his character and maturity. And when I told him I needed to end things and some space to think, he understood that and gave it to me.
After speaking with my therapist, she recommended that instead of always walking away from something, to talk to him and see if he wants to continue a friendship (nothing physical) this way we can actually get to know one another very slowly, and then, once he was ready, perhaps we could pursue something.
So, I asked him to meet for coffee, and he agreed and said he was glad I reached out. Not sure what will come of this, but I am “opening” myself up to something good rather than running away from it because the timing wasn’t right. I am hoping we can continue a friendship and really get to know one another. Perhaps with that, Ill see he ISNT a compatible match, or Ill see that he is. Either which way, I’m not throwing away something that could be really good in the future, while also not rushing into something that may not be a good fit for me either.
Sorry, wasn’t trying to deviate from your situation, but wanted to explain a bit, so you can understand why I feel like this man may be worth the effort. Plain and simple, we are both willing to communicate, and neither of us want to pressure the other one. Nothing gets solved without communication, and nothing DEFINATELY gets solved with pressure. You already stated that you felt pressured to get married, so it is no surprise that you ended the relationship. I would hate to see you fall into that trap again.
I think the important thing to making all relationships work is that both parties are willing to understand the other’s perspective, respect it, and work together. It does nothing to throw tantrums, or pressure someone else. Honestly, this guy sounds pretty controlling, and I agree you should RUN. You deserve someone who is willing to put in the time, work, and respect that you deserve!
Ive seen a lot of patterns in my past relationships. After losing someone, I closed myself off and Ive been way too afraid of getting that close to someone again, so I always chosen relationships I can “control” if that makes sense.
However, years of working through things, therapy, and experience, Ive come to realize that I am not saving myself from any pain, but rather I am keeping myself from being happy, falling in love, losing control.
So, in trying to open myself up to it, I just wasn’t finding anyone who gave me that spark, that interest, that FEAR. I want someone who invokes feelings that scare the hell out of me. (in a good way)
I was trying to find it in people, and it wasn’t there, so I was trying to force it, and we know that things cannot be forced. I thought maybe I just didn’t have it in me anymore, hence why I chose to try the casual route, because, I felt horrible when I couldn’t give back to a man who wanted something.
So, of course, that’s when I do meet someone who invokes that spark. He told me before we even met for coffee that he could not get involved with someone, and was looking for casual fun since he was still in transition.
It started out fun! We were respectful but distant, but both of us also didn’t have a clue how to do casual and ended up spending more and more time together, talking, and crossing the line of no strings. We were both supposed to be dating other people, turns out neither of us were.
I am not going to say this is the man of my dreams, since I have no way of knowing this yet. But, I can say this, this is the first man in over 20 years who has invoked that spark in me, that fear, that passion. So, it was VERY difficult to walk away, but I know that he isn’t available to open himself up to someone right now, and if we continued, it would most likely end very badly.
I hope that if that spark between us was a true connection, we can maybe try again further on down the road, but it would not do me well to stand in the background and wait. It would only put pressure on him, and create resentment in me.
Thanks so much for the response!
To clarify on my seeing patterns. I was just seeing a lot of similarities between me and this man. We both originally come from the same state, are same age, same sense of humor, like a lot of the same things, same values, both of our first marriages were due to unexpected pregnancy, etc. Perhaps pattern wasn’t the right word to use.
Sorry. Somehow I deleted the last sentence. My question is, can I contact him in a few weeks? I want to be able to stay in contact in the hopes that in the future, we could be friends at least (once I get over my feelings) because I really enjoy spending time with him. Or should I just cut all ties?
