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Hold on a minute. You broke up because HE caught YOU messaging a guy on FB, but he admits to texting/flirting with other woman regularly?? OMG, please please please run from this guy.
Victoria – It may seem like we can blame all the apps for a man not committing, but I honestly feel like any decent man would commit to someone they care about.
In my opinion, if you’re being ghosted by someone, they’re not worth another minute of your time. It is not a reflection of you, but of them.
Especially if the two of you decided for an exclusive/serious relationship. It is immature, cowardly, and shows a serious lack of respect.
I guess I am old fashioned. These new dating rules puzzle me nowadays. I’m a one-man kind of woman. Meaning… I am only having sex with one man. I may go out on dates with multiple people, but I am not sleeping with multiple people at the same time. And if we are continually sleeping with each other, then there is no-one else. So, because of this, it is hard to wrap my head around a girl “allowing” her boyfriend to sleep with someone else. Why live with someone if you are going to seek a relationship outside of it? Did they do it for financial reasons?
Also, if he broke up with you due to you being jealous and a compulsive liar, I would think the only way to get him back was to stop being overly jealous and stop lying, which would mean working on yourself and why you have these issues.
Thank you for what you have said. I am doing a lot of work on loving myself again. I have started realizing the mindset of “are they good enough for ME” and not am I good enough for them.
I am trying to slow things down and not see things through rose colored glasses and start recognizing the red flags in someone. This does not mean they are red flags for everyone, but red flags for me, if that makes sense.
Even though Ive been through traumas, I always try to do my best to make sure to make time for the people I care about, support them, love them, and appreciate them. If they don’t do the same for me, I am learning to communicate this, and if things don’t change, I am learning to stop giving to people who don’t give it back.
He is having sex with you while living with someone else? Let me ask you this… Why would you want a man who would break up with you, move in with someone else within 3 months, and then continue to sleep with you?
What is his reasons for wanting to sleep with you? If it were love, you wouldn’t be broken up.
Why did he move in with another woman when he still feels the need to sleep with you?I am not a relationship coach, and this is only my opinion… but walk away… RUN if you have to.
If you do get him back, you will always be wondering is he is sleeping around on you, because… he proves that he sleeps around.
Find someone who deserves you. He does not!Thank you so much Heidi-
I agree with you on all levels. I really do like him a lot, and wish we could have met at a better time. From what he has told me, he never cheated, and neither did his wife. However, her lack of affection and sex has caused him to feel insecure and unwanted. This is stuff he needs to work through. While our relationship was very physical, affectionate, and fun, I know that nothing deep and fulfilling can happen right now. He needs to get his life together and figure out who he is. We are both extremely honest with one another, which is a great thing and actually very freeing. However, I am working through abandonment issues and feeling unlovable, and being with him right now, I feel would only feed into those issues, so I try to limit time spent with him, but do keep communications open.
It is extremely difficult to step away from this spark. Some days I feel strong in my convictions, but other days I find myself longing for him. I continue to see other men, and keep my options open. I recently started seeing another man who is more available, but hasn’t created that spark. That doesn’t mean that won’t happen though, and I am trying to allow myself to be open to it.
Thanks for the response.
We did have a conversation about it. We are both looking to take it slowly, so of course I assume that he may be dating other woman, but generally it isn’t discussed. I, too, am looking to date around. He brought up the other woman because he said he is worried that it will upset me, and may ruin things for us. I asked why he felt the need to “sleep around” and he stated it was due to enjoying his freedom after 10 years which limited affection, I am the first woman he has been with since his separation, it is what he is told he should be doing, and that he doesn’t want to commit too fast to me. Both of us want to make absolutely sure before we get into something committed, so I do agree, he needs to play the field as well as I while we continue to see each other. He rushed from one marriage right into the next (2 months after separation and he was in a serious committed relationship with his second wife) I understand not wanting to rush things. I don’t want to make that mistake either. We really seem to like each other and don’t want to screw this up. There are many things to consider:
1. He is only separated, he cannot file for 3 more months (in our state you have to be separated for 12 months) His ex wife is resisting the divorce. So, he is still technically “married”
2. He has two high school age children, whom are just learning to deal with the separation, and impending divorce. No way they would want or accept their father dating someone else.
3. He was told repeatedly not to get seriously involved with someone until he deals with the divorce.
4. He says he is getting attached to me and it literally terrifies him.
5. He is worried that he can’t give me what I deserve (which is true) right now. We can’t do holidays, he would have to keep me secret from his kids, etc.We agree that when we were going to not see other people, we would have that convo. I have only known him for 2 months, so I don’t know if he is someone I can make a commitment to even if he werent going through this. I don’t know him well enough yet.
Just wanted to add that I am working with a therapist because my self confidence is shot (a big contributor is the assault) I don’t feel worthy of love anymore, so I can’t believe that a man would love me. I feel like I am wearing a mask and once he sees through that, he will run for the hills. I get a lot of attention from men, but don’t see the beauty they are talking about. I feel very broken and am trying to work through it. I just want to run away from this guy because I am TERRIFIED and his current situation does not give much feelings of stability.
Trust me, I know it is difficult, and believe me when I say no one is trying to shame you for it or tell you it is wrong how you feel. My concern with this, is that you are putting all your self worth and happiness on a relationship that is not happening.
I have spent many years trying to fill that void in myself with love from others. I can tell you this…it doesn’t work.
I am going to let you in a secret. When I was younger, almost every serious relationship that has ended for me, Ive felt like I’ll never find someone to make me feel that way again. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. But, you know what, every single time I found out it wasn’t true. Then I would look back and think “why was I so hung up on this guy?”.. the funny thing is, later on, usually they end up trying to come back, but by then, Ive moved on, and trust me when I tell you, you will too!
I promise, promise, promise you this…. If you let go of this guy, and open yourself up to others, you will see the same thing. Stop putting him on a pedestal, and instead, put yourself there. Give your heart and attention to someone who is willing to give the same thing back!
Spyce,
Thanks so much for the response.
I can definitely say there is fear on my side for sure. On one hand, I want to let the connection develop and see where it goes. On the other hand, I worry I am not seeing things clearly. He repeatedly keeps telling me he really doesn’t want to hurt me, but he knows he can do stupid things and probably will. I asked him what he thinks he will do, and his response was “prob end up sleeping with another woman”. I am not sure how to take that. We are only beginning and not exclusive, so I assume that he would probably be seeing other woman. I am still seeing other men (just not sleeping with them). I just don’t know why he keeps telling me this. Like I stated before, he told me I had every right to ask him not to sleep with other woman. However, I don’t feel that is something I should ask. That is a decision he needs to make, not be forced into. Isn’t that why people become exclusive? Because they don’t want to be with other people? I think that is something someone should feel, not be forced into. Isn’t the point to see other people a way to figure out who you want to be with?
Tav-
You really need to listen to the advice given to you. Heidi keeps trying to help you. She went into great length to answer your questions, and the only thing you got from that was that she said “communication is possible” and nothing else. She is telling you to STOP trying to communicate with him and let him go.
Ok, so I have an update. We met the other day for coffee and to talk. We both agreed that we don’t want to just walk away. We enjoy our time together, have fun, and are really good together. He wants to continue to hang out, get to know one another, spend time together. My concern is that I will continue to get attached and perhaps see some sort of connection that isn’t there.
The good thing is, we are very open about discussing things. He told me that I have the right to ask him not to sleep with other woman. I told him that I would never ask a man not to sleep with other woman. If a man wants to sleep with other woman, then go do it. I’d rather have a man that doesn’t want to sleep with other woman, not one I would have to ask not to.
I am second guessing if I should keep spending time with him.
Need suggestions.
Heidi IS trying to help you, but you are not letting her by not listening to her.
She said ” I keep trying to guide you in the direction of taking care of yourself and moving on because that is your BEST chance to get him back. Do you understand that the connection with him really got broken when you kept trying to talk to him and get him to come back to you? It might be damage that is not repairable. The BEST chance you have at repairing it, is leaving him alone. DO NOT contact him anymore. DO NOT try and get his or your friends to talk to him. He needs a lot of time away from you.
I know it is so so hard, trust me, I get it. There are times I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix things, but unfortunately we don’t have that option.
