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Heidi,
Thanks again for your reply! First I’d like to say I wish I could’ve edited the title because it’s driving me crazy that it says “booyfriend” lol.
Now, I’d like to say Heard!!! About the ex…I had a sneaky suspicion he was full of it anyway and was just trying to get me to come over or trying to see what he could get me to do. I shot him down. And yes, I’m blocking.
Going back to my boyfriend, I wrote a lot before, but it deleted everything I wrote when the page wouldn’t load, so that kind of was a bummer, but I’m glad it did because in going back and re-reading I realized I didn’t take in a lot of what you wrote.
So, whether you are enough or not needs to be defined by YOU and NOT someone else. Does this make sense? Yes! So much sense, and that’s where I was at when I made the choice to start dating my current boyfriend. There were many fish in the pond at the time, and believe it or not, it made me realize I had a choice, and I chose him. I chose him for many reasons, and I thought long and hard before making this choice. However, at the time I was not aware of his emotional connection to this other girl. After looking at it from a different perspective, I’m kind of starting to wonder if he’s as emotionally connected as he once was.
Let me explain… the reason I originally wrote is because of things I couldn’t get past, the way he talked about her and the way he seemed to feel about her, and the reaction he has when she texts. It’s fair only to him to note that communication with her has actually been at a minimum the past month, but the other day he received a text from her and his face lit up, so it brought everything back. I’m wondering now if it might have been more me than him. Maybe possibly my insecurities fading into it?
How about NOT making decisions until they are right in front you? Yeah, that’s a good idea. I never know what life will throw my way, and taking things day by day is definitely a better way to go. Even God said worry about today, not tomorrow.
First, your guy is not a jerk misunderstanding… definitely don’t see my guy as a jerk, just a lot of other guys. It’s hard to find a good one, and I’m pretty sure I finally did, whether wounded or not.
I know I am throwing a lot at you. If it’s too much, just ask me to slow down or break it down even further. Question me, challenge me, ask me to explain further, tell me what is NOT helpful. Anything you feel or need, tell me. That’s part of you strengthening your voice. Your opinion and how you are feeling matters to me, so bring it all out! This is a safe space and I will receive all of it! Not too much at all, in fact the perfect amount. A lot of contemplation about everything I’ve read, everything I’ve felt lately, and even though there might be some obstacles to get past, I’m willing to fair the storm. I’ve made the decision that it’s worth the effort to make this one work. It’s not because I’m afraid of being alone though. It’s because I think he’s worth it.
Him and I are both wounded, and I’m still working through some things myself, even though I’m getting stronger, I’m still working on a lot. He is a great guy and his loyalty is exactly the same as mine. I’ve not found, in my past relationships a person that matched up to my sense of loyalty even remotely close to what he does. I’m sure, as much as it may not have seemed at first, that together, him and I can (in time) be on the same page. I think a little patience will go a long way.
I have thought this through, I know there are pieces that could be better, and I know there are pieces that could be more healthy, but both of us came into this after only a few months of being done with a terrible, hurtful, relationship, so if we can be patient and forgiving with each other, and build upon what we’ve been through thus far, I truly believe it’ll be one of the (if but the) best relationships both of us have ever had. Plus, with him communicating has been easier than with anyone in my whole life, he never makes me feel like the way I feel is wrong. It’s very refreshing knowing that I can bring anything up and he’s willing to listen without judgement.
I’m personally willing to go that extra mile to find out if we are meant for each other, and I’m definitely not throwing in the towel quite yet. On top of that, my deep down instinct is telling me that letting him go would be a big mistake…. it’s really hard to explain, but I’m pretty sure I’m meant to travel this journey with him.
Thank you,
Lori
Thank you for your response. When I met my boyfriend one of the things he said was he wanted peace, and one of the things he’s told me recently is that I’ve been peaceful. So it’s funny you bring that up. In response to your question, I have in the past tended to attract narcissists, and I worked on my personal self-confidence a lot over the course of the past year, so when I met him I thought I’d give him a chance because we seemed to have been through a lot of the same things. We see eye to eye on a lot of things and we match intellect levels.
I am 46 years old, and I have 4 kids (2 are adults now and I’ve is in high school, and the other middle school age, so not really kids anymore), so as I’ve been told in the past, I bring a lot of baggage, so what do I really bring to the table? I’m not really sure. I’m kind, I’m tolerant, I’m loyal, I’m faithful, I’m loving, and I am very altruistic when it comes to the people I love. I’ve been told that’s not necessarily enough, but what is enough?
I’m tired of playing the game and when I decided to start dating him and committed I kind of made the decision that if this didn’t work I’d rather be alone for a while, but I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone. My kids are all leaving home and I don’t want to be all by myself. I guess I just wanted to give him a fair shot before I threw in the towel.
The only thing is, I don’t feel comfortable being myself even, really. He told me he wanted me to be vulnerable with him, but when I was, it was too much drama. He wanted me to be myself, but when I was, he made me feel self- conscious, which we talked about and he is working on.
The positives, when I need to bring something up in our relationship he makes me more comfortable taking about than anyone else I’ve ever been with.
Unfortunately I do see what you’re saying and I’ve thought it all before, and then I talk myself into giving it a little more time. I do think it’s definitely time for a chat though.
I do believe there was misunderstanding though, he paid for her divorce before she hurt him and him paying for the lawyer and helping her out of the abusive situation is part of where things started going south for them. They do still talk over the phone, and when he had his heart attack she came to see him. She has asked to meet me but he told her no and he told me that he didn’t want to subject me to her because he not entirely sure she’s not the reason things went the way they did with his ex-wife, he is running she had something to do with that, but him and his ex-wife started really going downhill about 5 years ago. I know it’s a lot, but I have a lot too, but my ex-boyfriend texted me today about having to go to the hospital, he is 100% a narcissist and even worse there was the possibility at the end of our relationship that he was a pedophile, which was what caused us to end, because when it comes to my kids I’d give up anyone for them to be safe, and just the uncertainty of things was enough for me. But when I told my boyfriend about it he basically told me to block him, and I’m not supposed to care that he’s going to the hospital, that seems to be a doubles standard.
Either way is time for a pretty deep discussion with him, and I do intend to have it soon. Where it leaves us, I believe will be the way it’s meant to be. Whether or not I’ll find a man that isn’t a jerk is questionable, I’m honestly not sure I even want to anymore. It’s a hard thing to even decide, if I’m going to try again I mean.
Again, thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. I was hoping I was wrong, but it doesn’t sound like it.
