[Lori C]

Heidi,

I tried to delete it, but please disregard previous post, I was in a weird head space. I’m not sure what’s been going on this week with me, but I’ve been a bit out of whack. I especially don’t think that is not worth it like I somewhat implied. And I’m also not sure, but for some reason after I write you, pretty much almost every time, I gain the confidence I need to talk with Jeremy about what is really bothering me, so I’m just being a little silly. Of course I want someone to be attracted to me because of who I am and not how I look, that’s what I’ve always wanted. Physical attraction is pretty much just a thing in the moment, physical attraction changes, perceptions change, looks change, the most important part of a relationship and one I’ve not yet had the ability to experience, (well, maybe once when I was 17) is someone really embracing me as an individual and as myself for who I am. I believe a lot of the reason I’ve never had the chance to experience this is because I’ve personally never embraced myself this way, up until recently. I credit Jeremy for being easier to talk to, but what if it’s partly me? What if I’m actually valuing myself enough to speak up and show him who I really am, that I have my own feelings and I am my own self? That’s kind of a bit cool to think about.

Anyway, I did finally get an opening to ask him about his healing journey, and he says faith and time, he believes God can heal his pain. I told him, I 100% believe that, but I also know that if he doesn’t 100% believe that it won’t happen and having 100% faith without any doubt or fear is very hard, so it might benefit him to look for other ways of helping himself heal. He said he tried a therapist and it didn’t work. Anyway, we did talk for a bit and he did say that he understood what I was saying, so I’m not sure where he’s going to go with that conversation.

That being said, God can 100% heal someone that has 100% faith that He will and can. He healed me of a brain tumor when I was 26, I knew without a doubt that God told me I’d be okay, there was very important things left for me to do, and I even argued with my Dad about it, after he told me several times I was in denial, I just knew, I felt it in my heart, I just knew, and nobody and nothing could tell me otherwise, my faith was unshaken. When I went to the UVA Hospital for them to “assess me for surgery” they couldn’t find the brain tumor. There are times in my life so that hit me with doubt and fear and I’ve always wondered why I do that when I personally know first-hand what God still does in our lives. This world instills this doubt in us, this fear that’s so hard to shake, it marks us, and without having that true faith, the faith that makes miracles happen, that fear and doubt can cause us to hold back and miss so much.

Anyway, disregard my previous message, hope you are doing well! Thank you for your guidance, and God bless!

Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

This past week has been filled with school projects, business projects, and some ups and downs with Jeremy and I, but they came out well in the end. I am definitely going to listen to the podcast. The thing about it is my coaches just tell me to do the breathing, or counting, or what-not, and if I am being honest, when I try that I tend to get even more frustrated and the anger just builds, it doesn’t work for me, it makes things worse.

The last couple of emails I got from James Bauer were about love being a choice or a decision, and I find that very interesting, given that when Jeremy and I met, we had a very long discussion about this. He believed love was a choice; in fact, he used biblical evidence of what love should be, and he says it’s 100% a choice that a person makes to love someone. Prior to that, I never thought of it that way, but as I have gotten to know him more and I have really contemplated this love thing being a choice, it’s been hard for me to grasp. The reason is that I feel it in my heart when I love someone deeply, and that feeling grows with every passing day. Looking back, and after the discussions with Jeremy, I had eventually come to the conclusion that I had indeed made that choice along the paths I had taken, the problem was that sometimes I made that choice too soon. I have, in the past, been willing to give love to people who have not earned it. This being said, I personally, at my age, it seems ridiculous, have no idea how long is long enough or how long is too long to wait to make the choice to love someone, at least to love someone the way I do. Do we make the choice regularly along the way as we choose to do things for the other person or do we make the choice once? It seems like we make it along the way, each day, with each action. I feel like if you get to the point of doing the complete opposite of what the other person expects, or you choose to do something that you know would hurt them, then you are making the choice to not love them. If love is a choice, it is entirely possible to choose to love or choose not to love. This is a scary thing to think about. So, when someone purposefully chooses to hurt you, they do not love you in that moment, but then, they beg you to stay because they “love you so much” or whatever, would it be appropriate to say, “well, you didn’t love me then, you chose not to love me then.”
It seems like it has to be a continual choice that you make. The thing about it is, Jeremy has told me that once he chooses to love someone, he will never not love them. If he makes that choice, it’s a choice for life. Doesn’t that seem counterproductive? He told me he chose to love his ex-wife, so he will always love her. He told me he chose to love Ashley, so he will always love her. But he won’t be in love with them, and the person he is with that he actively chooses to love, that love is different. I kind of understand that because my ex-husband and I, we have been separated for 15 years and divorced for 11, we are still very close friends, we raise our girls very well together and we are very amicable. I still choose to love him, but not in the same way I choose to love the person I am with. The thing about him and I is, the feelings were never there, the feelings of attraction, so I always thought I was never “in love” with him. Could this be the case?

The reason I have been thinking about that a lot is because I don’t think Jeremy is attracted to me, or finds me attractive. His step-mom says that he will in time as he falls in love with me, but if love is a choice then attraction and love are two totally different things, and I am not so sure I want to be with someone that chooses to love me because I am the type of person they want to be with, but aren’t attracted to me. I have spun my head around and around over this. I feel like I need to talk to him about it, but then again, I am not sure if it is worth it. Or am I just worried about the answer? I can’t figure myself out.

Anyway, on the subject of asking Jeremy about the healing or what he is doing to heal, I am hoping to bring it up sometime in the next week. I will see what happens, but next week should be a bit less hectic so I am going to be spending some extra time with him. It might be a good time to figure some things out.

I know this sounds bad, but I personally don’t want to waste my time in a relationship that is not going to be worth putting my time into in the long-run. I know you say take it day by day, but I just keep coming back to the past and all the time I spent trying to get someone to love me, I don’t want to do that anymore, I would rather be alone. I am just getting so tired of this relationship stuff. It is too hard, and I am not good at it.

Signing off…Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

I’m really not sure what he’s doing to heal, and I haven’t brought it up. I know it’s a good discussion topic and I should ask him, but for some reason I haven’t. It hasn’t really felt like the right timing yet I guess.

Triggers….hmmm. I don’t think I work through them well, I think I just do the closing myself off thing. I’m generally not good at working through triggers. I don’t have a plan of action on that one. I think for me usually I go with “this too shall pass” with Jeremy I’ve been able to talk about them a bit more than with others from my past, so I guess that’s a plus.

I told my ex-boyfriend once that something triggered me pretty bad and we ended up breaking up, I wish I would have stuck with my first instinct on that one. After a day we started seeing each other again, but that was not a good idea.

I took a while to write you back because I was trying to reflect on the trigger question as well as the one about Jeremy’s healing, I don’t have an answer for either really.

Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Real quick, I have a bowling tournament, so I only have a few minutes, but I really wanted to put this out there. Last night when I told him I’m more broken than he thinks I was essentially telling him, because of him telling me how broken he was and asking me to stick with him, I told him, I’m more broken than you think I am because I have known how much he needed me to be there for him, and I told him, just to give an example that just the other night I had to choke down tears because of his reaction to me, the fact that I was triggered was on me, and he didn’t have to worry about it, but I just wanted him to understand that I’ve been just as broken as he is, and although healing, I’m still broken. I finished it with there are things in our lives that we have to heal in our own and there are things that we can help each other through, and most will heal over time. Potentially I may or may not be able to help him heal what needs healing and potentially be may or may not be able to help heal what needs healing for me, but for now and moving forward I wake up each morning and choose him and I’m happy with that choice.

He fell asleep but this morning he answered, and he did ask what it was he did that made me hurt, and he did encourage me to “please tell him because if he doesn’t know he might hurt me again and he didn’t want to do that” I did tell him, and I also told him, I knew it was stupid… (because I think many people in my past have unfortunately made me feel like the way I feel is stupid, I’m telling you this, I did not tell him this) his reaction, “Not stupid. You feel how you feel. Just know I’m not being critical, just having fun with you. I’ll try to be more conscious about it. Thank you for telling me so I didn’t have to purge my memory for two days.”

Great reaction. I think he’s a really good guy, but I wanted you to know that we did have the conversation earlier today, and it went well. Gotta go, will check in later.

Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think he will be able to truly see and know the value I bring into his life for quite some time. I think he is like a yo-yo, and a few days are good, and a few days later, depending upon things that happen, for a few days it is not as good. He’s going through a healing process that is really hard on him, and he doesn’t really want to admit it to himself yet, so it will take much longer than I had hoped.

This past weekend he wanted to take his daughter roller-skating, and when he finally got a chance to talk to her, his ex-wife decided that she would take their daughter roller-skating, and he could come meet them. This bothered me a bit, not because he was going to meet her, but because I don’t understand why she couldn’t just let him take his daughter roller-skating. If my ex-husband wanted to take my children roller-skating, I would just let him do it, I wouldn’t have to be there. I just figured she had ulterior motives. I did ask him about it, and he said that his ex-wife said they already had plans and would be out and about. Okay then.

Well, the next day, after he went skating, he took a turn. He missed his daughter, completely understandable, but I can’t shake the feeling that something else is going on. He’s gone back to making me feel like I can’t say or do certain things, just when I started feeling comfortable with him. It’s a big turnaround, and I am not sure I can handle being supportive through this, and currently, I am a bit confused. But for now, I woke up today and chose him and I will wake up tomorrow and choose him, but what happens past that I am not sure, because I am taking it day by day.

On one hand, there have been things he’s said to me that have made me feel not so great about myself, I have realized some of that is on me, not him. I don’t let him know at the time that it hurt me, because well, let’s face it, I am wounded and I guess I am not ready to let him into that part of my life. So, when those reactions hurt me it’s easier to choke it back, let time pass, and then move onto the next thing. I know that a lot of it is part of my healing process, and I am almost sure that that hurt I feel from some of his reactions stem from hurt from before and the way people reacted to me, what it was followed up with, whereas, his reactions have never been followed by anything hurtful, so I know his reactions hurting me are not intentional.

I know I am still broken, I know I am still healing, and I don’t think I am ready to let him in. It’s much easier to take things day by day, and be there for him, and stay strong and in control than it is to let him know that I am just as broken as he is, although I did tell him tonight in a text that I am more broken than he realizes.

Overall, everyday is a learning experience, and I am really pushing forward with so many other things in my life that giving him some time throughout the week is something I enjoy doing. I enjoy the time we spend together. So, for now, ending today, and getting ready for another one tomorrow!

Thanks bunches!

Lori

[Lori C]

Hey Heidi,

Hope you’re doing well. I was given a referral for a website upgrade that is going to be so much fun to do, and they signed the contract today, so that’s exciting, but all in all is been pretty busy.

After reading your response it kind of dawned on be that my potential for wanting to pull away is more than likely driven by fear, kind of like I’ll pull away so I don’t get hurt kind of thing, so yes, your statement that if he decides to separate it will hurt by i know I’ll be okay and if he doesn’t and we move forward I will be excited for many more adventures is very accurate.

Yes, I know he’s not ready for a relationship, and he has admitted that he shouldn’t have been looking for a relationship at the time he was, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and if he hadn’t met me he might have had to go through the heart attack alone, so I’m glad I could be there through that.

We have definitely had a lot of deep conversations lately, but yes, for sure we are having fun ones too and still getting to know each other, which has been fun as well. He’s opening up more and he seems to be more comfortable talking to me about his feelings, and his ex-girlfriend has not come up in quite some time, which is refreshing.

Obviously, I’m moving forward with full awareness of everything you’ve pointed out, and in making the choice to do so taking it day by day has been very rewarding.

School is going well, I have embraced it and I’m very excited moving forward because it will definitely add value to what I’m going to be offering so even with this, moving forward day by day.

It got late fast, but I’ve been trying to make it in here to reply to you, so I’m not writing too much, but I definitely wanted to get back to you.

I jumped to conclusions when I thought I might have “screwed things up” and yes, I will be more aware of how I phrase things and the languaging I’m using with myself and others moving forward. I’ve been working on it, but still have a ways to go.

My business coach has always told me there is no such thing as right or wrong and the way you explained it brought it more into perspective so thank you for that.

Have a great night!

Lori

[Lori C]

I just wanted to quickly say, sorry for the choppy reply earlier, I started, thinking I had time and then decided to take my son to school and he was rushing me! LOL! He wanted to go by the store before school so he could get a snack, and I originally planned on going after I dropped him off, so I wrote super quickly. Not to mention I was on my phone instead of the computer. Now, onto schoolwork! (Not sure I made the right choice going back to school for this Master’s in Psych)

Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

I’m not exactly sure what it means for him. I do know the other day he told me he needs to shift his perspective because he’s been depressed lately because he is looking at the things he’s lost and he needs to be looking at the things he is still blessed to have, he said, I have my daughter, and I have you. That was really sweet.

In looking at the recent conversations, his body language, the ways he has been treating me, our talks, and our intimacy, I’m pretty sure he’s really getting close to me and he’s scared. He’s scared of being hurt again. I’m not sure if I should just back off or just stay where I am.

While chatting with you I have come to realize I’m much stronger than I give myself credit for. The things I’ve been through and the things I’ve overcome have been pretty big and this relationship is honestly just another thing. I feel like that’s such a bad thing to say, but to me it seems people come and go, which kind of sucks, but it’s the truth. I’m kind of in a place where I’ll be fine if he decides he needs time and I need to back off and I’ll be fine if he decides he wants to move forward. It seems to me that either way I’ll be okay.

I honestly put it in a way to him yesterday that his wound is still fresh and he has to heal, my wound has healed mostly, so I understand what he’s going through, and I can support him, but he has to go through this on his own. He agreed.

Last night we were in a conversation and it went a little deeper than I expected, and I might have been a little too forthcoming with him, he kind of just disappeared. At first I was a little worried and then I was like whatever ends up happening, oh well. I’ve got to be authentically me.

Thank you Heidi for your help. Things have gotten better, but I honestly might have screwed them up with him. It’s okay though if I did, he’s probably not ready for a relationship yet anyway.

I have gotten so busy. I pulled off the schedule at work and the following week I was bombarded with people that wanted help with funding or their business websites. It has been crazy and this week classes started.

Have a great day!

Lori

[Lori C]

Hiedi,

Hey there! What a weekend I have had, a couple of bowling tournaments and my son had league. It’s getting late, but I am still wired and tomorrow I am going to dive into some school work and process building, so I figured now is a good time to start where I left off. However, before I do that, I would like to say that the turns this week has taken with Jeremy have been quite interesting (I think it’s easier to use his name at this point, I am pretty sure nobody will be on here that knows me, and I think it’s secure and exclusive to those with the membership) Starting from when I first started this conversation with you and reading the materials provided in the courses,I am not sure what switched flipped in him, but a couple days after all of this he started acting like he wanted to be with me, I am pretty sure I told you that. His touch changed, his hugs changed, our conversations got a bit deeper, and he came to me last Saturday with his insight, he called me and told me that he wasn’t in the place that he wanted to be, that since his heart attack things have been different for him and when I asked what he needed he told me simply “understanding” and I told him “done.” (I think I might have told you that) But, here’s where it gets really interesting. Since then we have had some conversations, he is recognizing that he had so many things in his life change so rapidly that it hit him in a way that he’s never been hit before and he is a little confused about where to go in life. We talked about where he was when we first met, how he was on his healing journey, and then how he has changed course since the heart attack, and life has become more confusing than ever. He talked about how he wanted to get back to where he was, but he is pretty sure he is in a state of depression. I did tell him I would be there however he needed me to be, I told him if he needed a bit of a push to get out of the house and go do something I would do that, if he needed a shoulder to cry on I had one available, well, actually I have two. I told him if he just needed to talk I would be there to listen. He just hugged me. The day before yesterday he told me that his ex-girlfriend called the night before and he just didn’t want to talk to her so he didn’t answer, and then while I was there she called again and he just said, there she is again and sent her to voicemail. I said (probably not the right thing) “What if it’s important?” He said, “If she’s calling she’s still alive, so she’s probably fine.” Then he kind of explained it away, “She never took my advice when I gave it to her before, and she’s staying stagnant, she’s still in the messed up situation she was in, and she’s still very connected to her husband, she still hasn’t even taken steps to get the divorce or get custody of her son. She is toxic, and where I am at right now, it’s the last thing I need.” So, I simply said, “You really need to separate yourself from that a bit more” and he said, “I know.” I am not sure where that is going to go. He never called her back. Yesterday we had an even deeper conversation about where he is at right now and possibly getting back to the healing stage, maybe not exactly where he was, but getting back to where he can move forward because, before his heart attack, he was very positive about moving forward with his life and mentally healing and being happy with who he was and who God meant for him to be. The conversations were really good. This week has been full of us getting closer and getting to know each other more. I did at one point tell him that a lot of the healing he is going to have to do on his own, however, I will be here for him if need be. It was a very good conversation. Obviously, the self-healing process is always ongoing, because, you know…life. I am taking everything day by day.

I am not sure how, but you have brought me back to where I was last month with my healing. I think I hooked a left turn earlier this month, and it’s almost like these conversations with you have shown me the map and I put on the brakes and made a U-turn to get back on track. The mental and emotional strength I have gained in this past week and a half has not only put me back where I was, but I believe it kind of pushed me further forward. This is been a very positive conversation, and the contemplation about the things you have said have left me feeling even stronger. The way you put things has been immensely helpful for me. I feel like my seed was planted, and as it started to grow into a sapling some of the buds started to wilt. You watered the sapling and it started to grow again. I think that trees grow very much like we do as people. The tree, as it is wounded, the bark grows around the wound, the wound remains, but the bark around it is stronger for it. People are much the same, everything that happens to us in life leaves a mark, whether it be a good mark or bad, but that mark still remains, and the parts of us that grow around that mark can overcome it, and the surrounding bark is stronger than it was before. The older we get, as with the tree, the more bark will grow around the mark, and then the mark becomes less visible, and soon it is deep within the trunk of the tree. The strength we build up around what marks us is up to us, because if we keep opening the wound, not only does it get bigger, but the bark won’t grow around it as easily, and it takes more to strengthen the trunk in that particular spot.

Now, going back to where I left off…ah, yes, I wanted to hit on the little girl, me. My business coach, who is very big into NLP, and his ex-wife (he referred me to her for hypnotherapy) put me through a really tough timeline therapy. When I first met my business coach I couldn’t even remember anything before my 20’s. Not only that, but I tended to block out life after 3-4 years. My short-term memory was like a steel trap, but I couldn’t remember anything past 3-4 years prior. I didn’t remember my children being born, I didn’t remember their childhood, and I couldn’t figure out why my mind worked the way it did. There was a massive amount of trauma in my childhood and I trained my mind to forget. I blocked out so much! Because of this, my business coach thought I would benefit from working with the hypnotherapist before working with him, I think mostly because she was more soft-tempered, and he knew how deep my trauma went. So, I started with her and also started a course with him for my business, but at first, him and I stayed away from all the personal stuff. With her I did timeline therapy, apparently, I was extremely good at getting hypnotized. I thought I was falling asleep, but she said I was responding to her. After sessions, within a couple of days, I would start remembering things, it’s like they would come to me in a dream or I would be doing something and memories would just pop into my head. We did timeline therapy and hypnosis a few more times after that. I remember her having me embrace my little girl. I had to give her love, and I had to remember as a mother (I had so much guilt as a mother, I will get into that in a little bit) I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. I am not sure, but that statement I remember, I don’t know why…but I did the best I could with what was provided to me at the time. And, slowly I started to give myself grace. The healing process wasn’t easy and still to this day I retro back a little bit, but when it got really hard was in April of last year, a little over a year after I started working with my hypnotherapist my business coach told me I was ready for the deep timeline therapy. It was brutal. It was so bad. I don’t fully remember what happened while he had me hypnotized, but I know that’s when I realized how much my Dad not coming home to rescue me hurt me. I remember realizing how damaged my mom was, and after it was over the following couple of months were extremely hard. My business coach said it was part of the process. In that time so much came up for me, but I remember screaming at my mom (during timeline therapy) and telling her how horrible what she did to me was, and then forgiving her. I remember screaming at my dad and telling him how wounded I was because he wasn’t there when I needed him the most, and then forgiving him. I remember taking that little girl, picking her up, telling her that everything would be okay, telling her that she would be okay. Telling her how much she is loved, and then I remember Jesus. I remember Jesus embracing me, as a child, I remember Him being there, and then for the next few months, my life started coming back to me. Instead of only remembering the fear I felt when going home on the school bus and not knowing why I was so afraid all the time, I started to remember everything, I started to remember why. I started to remember the teachers and guidance counselors who were there for me. I couldn’t believe all the memories that came flooding back, it was devastating, eye-opening, and illuminating at the same time. During that time I was a mess emotionally, mentally, and then physically. It was so hard, yet, finally months later, so rewarding. The strength that built up from me embracing my weaknesses, seeing where they stemmed from, and realizing with all I have been through how amazing I turned out, and then really seeing the people God put on my path throughout my whole life that at the time changed the trajectory of my life was indescribable. Had it not been for the blessings that were given to me and the armor that God had given me, I would have been such a different person than I am today. I have been through so much, and I was never really taught how to be a mom, housewife, wife, or any of that, so I made mistakes, but that’s okay because there was a lesson in everything.

Originally, a couple of years ago my business coach referred someone to me who needed a challenge built out with email campaigns, and he worked with the theories of Human Design, a design based on your natal chart. It was very interesting, and it really started my journey into trying to understand who exactly I was. He leaned into the MBTI and my hypnotherapist leaned into the enneagram, so I did the tests to find out my type and exercise for each of them, but that really put me into a deep dive at that time. When I went through the bad months I put a pause on my business, I got hit with the clients I did too much for, who took severe advantage of me, and then after they used everything I built for them, and continued to use the social media campaigns, they reversed the money they paid me and told me how horrible I was at what I did. I took that way too much to heart. I thought I was hurting people more than I was helping them, even though I tend to put my whole heart into helping them succeed. So, I paused my business operations. It wasn’t until about October of last year that I decided I wanted to relaunch, but thought something was missing. I was reintroduced to the MBTI at that time, and my hypnotherapist asked me to retest the enneagram. My personality types changed. As I healed and got stronger my personality type changed and each time it made sense and resonated with me even better. I started my deep dive in December, that’s when I realized what was missing from Dream Construction, my business, and I was determined to relaunch, but I wasn’t quite sure how to incorporate it, so I turned to God for guidance and each step of the way he handed me the answers. Through it all I was getting stronger and stronger and through it all my memories kept coming back. I now remember things from Kindergarten! I remember things from my children’s childhoods and my marriage. Its to weird to realize all the things that have shaped me into the person I am today, but in doing that, I realize how much stronger I am for it. That was a lot, and all of that to say, you, putting this “little girl” inside of me into a better perspective simply shifts me back into that healing process, and helps my awareness even more and I am truly grateful for that. This reminder was needed, and it brought me back to that time, and reminded me how important it is for me to recognize when I am neglecting her, when I am ignoring her needs, and when I am forgetting about her.

next up – loyalty, cheating, and if the pieces line up just right. I, myself, have cheated before, and it was very out of character for me, but it did happen. I told on myself pretty much immediately, within a day. I felt so horrible for the pain I caused him. I know for sure that it could happen again if the pieces align just right. This awareness does make it much more improbable that those pieces will align just right, because I am very good at keeping myself out of a situation that would potentially possibly end up in devastation. It would take a LOT for it to happen again. This being said, my awareness of the possibility is there. Now, bringing it to Jeremy, I do realize that if he chooses to do that it would be his choice, I know it would take a lot for him to get there, but I also am aware if the pieces lined up just right for him that possibility is there. So, if he did do that, I know it would hurt, but I also know I am strong, I have been through a lot, and I know that I would be okay.

I get what you are saying about him not healing unless he is healing through and through with the help of an expert. I was lucky to find my business coach and hypnotherapist, they were a great team, but if I am being honest, my most impressive healing came from within me. I know for a fact it wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t get me started though, and Jeremy would very much benefit from a relationship with someone like that. I think that’s a decision he will have to make on his own, but I am not afraid to possibly have that conversation with him, especially after the recent conversations that we have had. I am thinking he might be open to the idea.

I get it, today is the day that matters, take it day by day and in doing this the expectation of forever, if it doesn’t happen, won’t even hurt as badly. Even God tells us to not worry about the things of tomorrow, but instead worry about today, that should be true in everything, not just your relationship.

Thank you for the rephrase. I am not that great at that kind of stuff. Although, as I was reading it I realized how silly I was being assuming that because I didn’t like what Charlie did to me, that doesn’t mean another woman would take it the same way. In a way, that’s pretty egotistical assuming that because I saw something one way every other woman will see it that way too. I really appreciate this eye-opening. You would think by now, especially knowing that rarely does anyone think the same way I think, that I would have thought about things this way.

I think when I said doesn’t everyone hold space in their heart for previous relationships I was thinking about me, I think for me it’s like a trap door in the corner of my heart, the old relationships are pushed through that door, but they are still in my heart. And yet I go into a new relationship with all my heart. That door is closed for the past relationships, but part of my heart still knows how I felt before, and that won’t ever go away. It’s hard to explain what I am trying to say. My ex-husband is the father of my three girls, I care about him a lot, I still have a special love for him, but it is nothing like the love I have for the person I am with. It’s like a friendship type love. My son’s father, I still care about him, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him, and yet, I still think he is an asshole, but I want what’s best for him and for my son. My first love, he’s still in there, just pretty deep. Maybe these are just memories in my heart, I am not sure.

Receiving help without negating it, at first felt weird, but then it was pretty cool. I realized that it made him feel good to be able to carry out my laptop and my shoulder didn’t have to feel the pain. It wasn’t bad at all.

Yes! When I look back I definitely see what I should have seen then. I also see the point where I realized what was going on, but continually wrote it off as me being too judgmental or making assumptions. Like I said, even when my intuition is telling me something, I still want to see the good in people and I do tend to positive project. I am leaning so much more on following my instincts.

In asking myself if it’s better for me that he is in my life, for now the answer is yes, it is better for me.In asking myself would I be better without him, the answer is no, because right now he makes me stronger.

Okay, I think I hit on everything. I know this has gotten long, but, I think I want you to understand me a little bit more, and when I say I had a lot of guilt over being a horrible mother, I want you to understand that I have mostly healed from that. I do think my children had a huge hand in my healing though. Here goes nothing…When my son was 9 months old we went camping in SC for vacation. We were going to move there, so we had packed up all of our stuff, and we moved out of one house and were to move into the new house two weeks later, so we put everything in storage and took the kids on vacation. My oldest was 12 and she brought her best friend, whom we were going to bring home when we went back to get the rest of our stuff. My kids got these bites when we were in the campground and I thought they were mosquito bites, so I went ahead and put some oatmeal bath in the kiddie pool and had them all get in, because it should have dried them up. Well, the next day they woke up ten times worse, so I got the nurse to take a look at them and she said they must have gotten in an ant hill and I didn’t do anything about it. I told her I put them in an oatmeal bath and she said to give it 24 hours, it should dry them up. I asked if she was sure and she said if it doesn’t get any better by tomorrow take them to the doctor. I was like, okay then. She called the police, and they came and ended up calling the ambulance, told them the anthill thing, the ambulance driver told the doctor at the hospital and the doctor at the hospital confirmed ant bites. So, I was arrested for child neglect. They then said we had too much food so we must have been living in the tent, and because we were in between houses, they pretty much said we were homeless, so they arrested both my son’s father and myself on the spot. My Dad came and got my son, and my girl’s father came and got them. My Dad and my sister came to my bond hearing and then abandoned me. I had never been in trouble my whole life and everyone just abandoned me there. The only person that didn’t was my son’s father. His sister bailed him out so he stayed and slept on the picnic table and peddled for money to get me out. Once his sister realized he wasn’t leaving me she sent him the money and he got me out. That was held over my head since then. And that was another reason why I stayed with him as long as I did. The ant bites was a misdiagnosis to cover up the fact that there was a scabies outbreak in the school before school let out. THe girl in the campground when to school there and she was playing in my tent with my kids, so they got scabies. The oatmeal bath exacerbated that, because they are a mite and they are under your skin. My Dad took my son to the doctor the next day and my ex-husband took the girls to the doctor where he lived and both doctors said it was scabies. Because of the misdiagnosis all charges were dropped. Because the kids were back in NC and my son’s father and I decided to go back to NC the social services case was a little bit complicated, or I misunderstood, but that ended up being a battle and it took 6 months before I got my children back. During that time my 12 year old was sexually abused by her friends sister’s boyfriend and that began the decline in her life. If that hadn’t happened to me, that wouldn’t have happened to her.

2 years later, my sister had found out she could not have any more kids and she wanted a baby more than anything else, her and my other sister together concocted this story that I was letting my son’s father beat my children, and that I was doing drugs, and they convinced my Dad that they needed to get the kids away from me if I wouldn’t leave him. My sisters came to visit me, I showed them a house I was about to buy, I was only $500 short on the downpayment, I had $4500 saved. So, I was purchasing the house the following month. Well, they had used the newspaper article to convince a judge to give them an emergency es-parte order for custody of all four of my kids. The dinner we went to that night was their final attempt to get me to leave my son’s father, and I didn’t even know that was where they were going with it. The next day they went to my kid’s schools and picked them up, and then came to my house and stole my son. Well, they had them a week until the trial. I took my money I had saved and paid the lawyer and walked out of the courthouse with my kids. The judge was furious with the lawyer for not doing his homework. My sister was furious that she lost so she called DSS on me and I got a call on my way home.

I then paid the lawyer for a change in venue so that if they wanted to try to do that again they would have to come to me and I then moved to a place where it was week to week rent and prepaid electric so my family couldn’t find me. I was there two years. My oldest started running away from home, things were a bit tough, but it got even worse. During the two years in between the campground and my sisters stealing my kids (my dad paid for the lawyer, so they were all at fault, my sister’s stayed over night with my brother the night before they stole my children, and my other brother lived with my Dad, so I blamed all of them) Anyway, during those two years we lived in GA and my son’s father ran the Huddle House. We lived in a very small town and the four people that owned the Huddle House owned the town. The assistant manager was stealing from the store and when the money was found to be missing my son’s father said he was running the store so he would take responsibility because he should have caught it. He lost his job, the police said they didn’t think he stole the money, and he went back to NC to work at the Wwffle House and I wouldn’t leave until the semester was over. When he left the owners of the Huddle House brought charges on him because they had paid off his mopeds they said he owed them $10k. They started harassing me, the police started following me everywhere. The man that owned the house I lived in was the father of one of the owners, and he cleared my yard and took my dog into the woods and shot him. So, I left before the semester was over. I paid my rent for the month and went back to NC. I came back at the end of the month to get the rest of my stuff out of the house. I got stuck in a ditch and the police got me towed out (that is significant) and then I went back to NC.

Two years after my sisters stole my children my son’s father and I were looking for land in the country of NC and I got lost. So I turned around about 3 times and I got stopped for suspicious activity. HAHA!! We had dropped my second oldest off at the middle school for orientation, and had my two youngest with us. Turned out we had warrants out for our arrest, we were apparently fugitives from justice and so we got arrested. My son’s father had charges of theft by taking, and my charges were aiding in the escape of a felon in custody. So, they came and got us and brought us back to GA. And my son’s father’s twin sister got my son this time, and the girls went back to their Dad. Everyone knew I didn’t break anyone out of jail or the back of a police car, and because I was charged with that I was held without bond for 56 days awaiting the supreme court trial. My ex-husband made sure my child support still went in the bank so my rent was paid. He stood by me this time. He knew I didn’t do what they said I did. It turned out they only put the warrant on me because my son’s father didn’t have a license and they knew that to catch him they would have to catch me. It was crazy. Anyway at the supreme court hearing they banned me from GA for 12 months and let me go without probation if I pled down to obstruction of justice, and if I didn’t it would take 28 months to go to trial. I pled down. Went home and my son came home right away and at the end of the semester my girls came home. It was then that I decided to call my Dad and tell him that I forgave him and my siblings for everything they did. I wasn’t ready to see them yet, but I wanted him to know I forgave him.

Slowly I started talking to my family again, things have never gone back to how they were, I don’t trust them, but I do see them. THey never really know what’s going on in my life and they still don’t know where I live. But I do go see them and they come here for my kids birthday parties, just not at my house.

Okay, so, at this point my oldest is 17 and my youngest is 5. Since then nothing else has really happened, my kids have grown up a lot, my oldest is 24 and my youngest is 12. They are great people and I have no idea how they turned out as good as they did. My 2 oldest tell me it is because no matter what I have always fought for them, and they all knew how much I loved them because of how hard I fought.

So, that’s my story. It wasn’t just childhood that broke me, but adulthood and parenthood broke me pretty bad too. Realizing how horrible the world is, how corrupt cops can be, and how terrible some people are shattered my world and trust for anyone doesn’t come easy.

That was a LOT LOT! But, I believe in my healing journey and in understanding much of where I am coming from, you should know.

Thanks!

Lori

P.S. My mom stopped beating me when I was 22 and I kicked her in the shin because she was trying to drag me into her house by my hair, later that year she suffered an aneurysm popping in her brain, and coming out of that was like a child. I moved her close to me, took care of her, got really close to her, she got clean, became an amazing person, and then died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism 10 years later. That devastation was the beginning of the end of my marriage.

[Lori C]

Grrr, I wrote to you twice! And it didn’t post either time! I will respond tomorrow. Today was completely full and I am getting pretty tired. Hopefully this will go through. Trying to test it, if not just let you know I am still here, you didn’t scare me off yet, LOL!

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Well, I just lost everything I wrote previously, which I probably should have expected because I accidentally forgot to submit it last night, but since it was still up on the page I hit submit and it disappeared. Bummer!

You know, when it comes to the questions like “why did you choose your boyfriend?” I have never really been that good at it, but I am going to go back to the beginning. At first when he messaged me, I thought, “Here we go again.” I was at a point of not trusting any men because they all seemed so shallow. I was like, how in the world did we as a society get here? To a place where men don’t trust women at all and instead of trying to find a good woman they just want a good time. So, I went into it with a lot of doubt and many barriers up. We messaged back and forth for a few days and then decided to go out on a lunch date that Friday. I actually was pretty intrigued by him already by the time we decided to go out. Previous to meeting me, about 3 months prior he had been introduced to the MBTI and deep dove into the aspects of the cognitive functions. He talked a lot about his healing journey and learning who he truly was. We seemed to be on the same path. During lunch we talked about a lot. I know at that time I was pretty judgmental and I kept him at arms length. We parted ways with a hug, like the majority of my dates. But, I did really like him, however, I wasn’t really sure yet what to expect or even how he felt, or whether or not he would even call me or text me after. The recent people would text me after and ask for naked pictures or talk about sex, or try to tell me how to run my life, or act like they knew everything about something they knew nothing about. This was not the case with him, he was intelligent, he actually knew what he was talking about, and he brought value to the conversation. After the date we texted later that night very briefly and I still didn’t know what to think. The following night was when we had the long conversation, and this is when I started to like him a lot. Him and I talked about everything, and our views and values aligned very well. Then two nights later we talked again for a significant amount of time. We talked about our lives, our healing journeys, how strong we have emotionally and mentally become, and how it’s an unending journey. He was very blunt about what he was looking for. He didn’t sugar coat anything and he told me flat out what he liked and what he disliked. He didn’t try to impress me with any kind of crazy stuff, and he didn’t try to love bomb me either. He was just simply himself, and I was just simply me, but besides the music we listen to, we aligned very closely in all of the important aspects of my values. Then, as we talked the following week and I went bowling, he encouraged me, he supported me, and he never once put me down, or made me feel like I didn’t matter or he mattered more than me. It seemed to be a very equal scenario. So, on New Year’s Eve we were talking and I told him I was talking to several other men and asked him where we were going with this. It was at that point that together we decided to cut ties with the people we were talking to. I cut off everyone and deleted my app off my phone. He also cut off everyone, including the ex-girlfriend, and he had no problem doing so. He deleted her from his Facebook and out of his phone. He still hasn’t put her back in his phone even though they conversed throughout the heart attack thing.

We were just getting to know each other when he had his heart attack, but, he asked my permission to text her and let her know what happened when it happened, there were a few reasons for this, first one being they were really close friends for 11 years and she was his EMT partner, so, if she caught wind that it happened and he didn’t tell her she would be very hurt, and the medical community talks. I told him that was fine. I could have said no, I probably should have said “no, who cares if her feeling are hurt after everything she did to you,” but I didn’t. So, when she wanted to come see him at the hospital, he also asked if it was okay, and I said sure, I didn’t have a problem with it, and I didn’t. Then she started calling and texting, and he was keeping it short and sweet, and would tell me every time. I then told him he didn’t have to tell me every time she texted him, I told him I trusted him. That might have been the wrong thing to do, but honestly, I stand by that, because I do trust him. I know I haven’t known him long enough to fully trust him, but on that level I trust him. I may be projecting, but I can tell by his beliefs and values that it would take a lot to get him to cheat. Whether he would tell me if it happened or not is a different story. So far, I am pretty sure nothing has happened, but she did come over, with her son to see him the day before his open heart surgery. His ex-wife has to come over to bring his daughter and I have no worries there, just based on his reactions to that.

Crap, my days are so full lately, I have to go, and I don’t want to lose this, so I am going to submit, and I will be back later.

Lori

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Wow! Where to start? LOL. I, too, am very much enjoying this conversation. Let’s start with why I chose my boyfriend. I am not entirely sure, it was something about him, but probably one of the biggest things was that he respected me. Of all the people I went out on dates with, he was honest about who he was and where he was in his life, and when I was very clear that I wanted to build a friendship before jumping into bed, he didn’t blink. We have the same Christian values and views, and that’s very important to me. I have waivered, thinking the man would “come around” in the past, but nope, not this time, if he didn’t align with me, then, he got a text saying we would be better off as friends. I never ghost anyone, I don’t like to be, so therefore I would never do it to them. If I don’t want to talk to them anymore, I simply say, “I am blocking you, just so you know” or, if they seemed like eh, okay, I told them we could remain friends. I did choose another man prior to my current boyfriend, whom I dated for about 3 weeks, and then told him we could be friends. I broke it off with him because he kept either being late, pushing me aside for his friends, or bringing his friends with us, even after I told him it bothered me that he couldn’t give me the same time he put into his friends, he still was an hour late, just the next day. I thought, I have come too far to allow someone to treat me with such little respect.

I had all but given up on even trying to meet someone when my boyfriend messaged me, and I actually had been praying for guidance. Throughout all the texts, phone calls, our first date, and then phone calls, he never once disrespected my values, beliefs, views, time, or body. I think overall, that was what put me in the headspace to enter into a committed relationship with him. One thing I have learned about him is that he is just as loyal as me, so that part believe it or not worried me a bit. This might sound crazy, but shortly after his heart attack I really wondered if we were in the right place, what if because both of us are as loyal as the other we get stuck, what if neither one of use wants to let go if we have to let go? I don’t mean for this to sound nutty, but my brain literally never stops. I did end up asking him about this and we ended up having a very good conversation about it.

AS you write me more and I reflect more, I see more and I understand more. I spent the night with my boyfriend last night and I can’t explain it, but he’s different. He touched me in more loving ways, and I had to tell him (especially after everything I have been reading, I guess I learned it’s important to tell him) that I really liked it when he touched me like that. I am not talking sexually here when I am talking about touching, but instead of just giving me buddy taps on my leg or arm, he was just so much more sensual with his touch, and his kisses had so much more feeling to them, and massively increased in volume.

I will say though, his ex-girlfriend was brought up, only once, and it was when we were watching a movie, we got into a conversation about how important sometimes it is to take a step back and change your perspective. And he said something like, “maybe that’s why I saw her (he said her name) for who she is, because I stepped back.” and then he looked me in the eyes, touched my face and gave me a kiss. I honestly wasn’t sure how to take that, but I am choosing to not overthink that one, because I think it’s part of his healing. The more I observe him I realize, I think, (I might be wrong, but it seems) he is a bit more broken than me, and he is not as far in his healing process. I wish I could help him, but it’s something he will have to deal with on his own. That being said, I am going to stand by him as he heals.

Your reference to the 3-year-old was crazy insane! My hypnotherapist did a session with me of timeline therapy that was very similar, but my business coach, who specializes in NLP did a very intense session following that, in which he brought me back to my place of original pain and several points in my childhood. During this session, many things happened, but I remember realizing that not only did my pain come from the abuse of my mother, but it also came from the abandonment of my father, whom I have held in very high regard my whole life. My mom used to say I put him on a pedestal. The issue though, was that he knew she was abusing me throughout my childhood and he would stay at work long hours to not have to deal with her. They got divorced when I was 14, he came home from work and caught her beating on me and at that point had enough, he sent me and my siblings up the street with money to go get dinner, when we came home she had been arrested and that was the last time she was in our house, but unfortunately, the damage was already done. Even though at first she only had supervised visits when she asked me to come over to help her with something three things pushed me to do so. 1) the bible says to honor your mother and your father. 2) I feared if I didn’t show up the next time I did she would be very mad at me. 3) I still wanted her to love me, so bad.

Anyway, during our session it got intense, i had to confront both my mother and my father, and then I had to embrace my child self. It was tough, but coming out of it, the next couple months I backed away from talking to my business coach. I spiraled a bit, it got pretty intense for me. I was so lost, and I really needed to find who I was and why I was so willing to forgive, move on, be there for the people I loved, even when I knew they wouldn’t be there for me. Why did I not fit in, in any environment? Why did I think so differently than everyone else, and why did I do things so differently. My brain works different and it works all the time. And then a few months after that session the real healing started to begin, and I had some very huge break throughs, but it wasn’t until about 9 months later that everything really started falling into place so rapidly. The confidence level in me started shifting and I started realizing how much the flaws that were part of me really fed into my strengths and how important some of the things I have learned are in order to succeed in many aspects of life; family, relationships, finances, work, business, etc.

I am going to back up a little bit, my mother and myself, she had a brain aneurysm pop in 2002 and she went through a long period of recovery after being in a coma for 3 weeks. long story short, I moved her close to me, her and I got very close, she couldn’t drink anymore and she had the mindset of a 16-year-old, so roles were reversed, but she then died 10 years later from a pulmonary embolism. After she died I spiraled and my ex-husband didn’t even attempt to be there for me, so that was the beginning of the end of my marriage and I blamed myself for the failed marriage for many many years, if not slightly still. In looking back I realize it wasn’t completely my fault that it failed, and I never wanted to be part of the divorce statistic, but now I was. For a very long time I kept saying I should have tried harder, and I thought I was broken. In a sense I was for a very long time.

Coming back to where I was – I am going to continue with the low-self esteem, yes for a very long time, when it comes to relationships I had very low self-esteem and I did allow things that I shouldn’t have. My confidence levels in myself dropped immensely when it came to men. I know I am getting stronger. Back then, I knew they were playing head games, but I allowed it. Now, I put a stop to it. There is a piece of me though that still positive projects. There are times when I know in the pit of my stomach that someone is messing with me, and I make excuses for them, or I write it off as them not meaning to, or come up with some way it couldn’t have been what they meant to do. I know I do this, because I have a really hard time understanding how anyone can be so mean. I am coming to realize I am not responsible for their crappy actions, and if I need to cut ties or clear the air, then it’s a far better way to go then just letting people mentally and emotionally abuse me. I, myself, do not have high emotional intelligence, but I have extremely good intuition and about 97.8% of the time my intuition is right, even though I originally tried to explain away the feeling, it always ends up being right, so I am leaning into trusting my intuition more.

Bringing us to now with my current boyfriend, I felt like there were things that hurt my feelings, when he really didn’t mean to, and then the thing with him getting through all of this hurt, I didn’t want to be allowing an emotional abuse, or allowing another narcissist into my life. I didn’t want to be making the same mistakes I have in the past, but something is different this time. This time my intuition is telling me that he is a good guy and that I should be patient and stay, but I am trying to talk myself out of that. I know there is a lot of past trauma for me and I didn’t want that to be the driving factor in my decision, because if it was I would choose “leave” every time probably. I want to be strong enough to build something that will last the rest of my life or his, but I also don’t want to be too naive in that I stay because I want that, so I am currently taking it day by day, and I chose to get advice from an outside source that didn’t know me or him or have any ties at all, that way the advice was from a place of “from the outside looking in.” I didn’t really realize how deep it went, and I had no idea it would turn into a conversation like this, but I have gotten so much out of it, and I am more than appreciative of you!

About the trauma bond, I am still not sure if that’s fully what we are experiencing because in the video she said it tends to show up as a bunch of ups and downs and a healthy relationship starts slowly and gradually grows – unless I misunderstood. If I understood correctly, that’s kind of how him and I started, taking the heart attack out of the equation, we have very slowly just worked on getting to know each other. I personally try not too talk too much about my past relationship, although they do come up in conversation sometimes, because something is said, and it’s easy to go, “please don’t do that, Charlie used to do that, and it really bothers me.” But, overall, I try not to dwell on things from the past relationships. I have always said that each man I meet is his own person and what the previous men have done to me have nothing to do with him. I personally start every relationship with commitment, trust, and respect. That individual man can do something to lose all three of those, currently, my boyfriend hasn’t yet. I get that the time he saw Ashley might not have been appropriate, but it was right before he was going in for open heart surgery, and I think maybe he needed some closure? I am not sure. I do know he hasn’t seen her since and in the past week I don’t think he has even talked to her, I am pretty sure the last time they talked was when the ambulance was hit. The last two times I was over there he only brought her up that once. I know he still holds a space in his heart for her, but being honest, don’t we all hold a space in our heart for previous relationships, whether it’s hurt, care, or possibly still love? I honestly just want to know if there is anything I should be doing differently to get his heart to open up more for me? But, then again, it seems to be happening naturally, so maybe I will just keep taking it day by day.

I am proud of myself – just wanting to bring this up – When I went to leave this last time he asked, as he always does, “do you need any help carrying anything?” My natural response is “No, I got it.” This time, I did say, “No, I got it.” Then I said, “well, actually, if you wouldn’t mind grabbing my laptop for me, it’s the heaviest and it kind of hurts my shoulder a little bit.” He said, “sure” and then he carried it out to the car and I thanked him for his help and he said “of course, any time” and then he turned and hugged me, a real hug, before I left. Usually when I leave, in the parking lot of the apartment complex, I get a slight, half hug, with a pat. This was a real hug that actually lasted. And when he went to put gas in my car, I didn’t stop him this time, or even say, you don’t have to do that, I let him and thanked him genuinely. I actually received help without negating it!

The business, first I would like to say, yes marketing is so good to know. I have been in marketing since I was assistant marketing manager at RainSoft when I was 19. I love marketing, it’s so much fun. The issue now is that people kind of expect a much more personalized approach with the social media marketing, and I personally don’t like making videos of myself all that much. Although I am currently putting a marketing campaign together scheduled to start next week for the challenge that starts the 7th of April.

I would love to share my pivot with you, in doing all this internal strengthening I realized what was missing, and although I call it a pivot, it’s probably more of an addition. I am adding prosperity coaching to the current business structure. But, it’s so much more than that. I am taking the MBTI, Enneagram, Big Five, Natal Chart, possible Autistic traits, possible ADHD traits, and the possibility of masking and conditioning and bringing it all together into one. It’s called Ofi, which means in Hebrew “one’s own unique disposition” and I am creating an assessment based on real life circumstances from preschool into adulthood, that will assess their character traits (internal values) and their personality traits (external perception) and identify their weaknesses and strengths, upon doing so showing them how their weaknesses feed their strengths, and how important their weaknesses (or what they perceive as weaknesses rather) are to who they are as a whole. The assessment will filter through the traits and give them their very own unique superhero name (it’ll be cosmic, because the name of that section within Dream Construction is Cosmic Faith Therapy) and they will also get a primary and secondary biblical character alignment, aligning their weaknesses with the biblical character’s weaknesses and showing them how they overcame their weaknesses, or used their weaknesses as strengths, or used their weaknesses to increase their strengths. They will also get their own personal character constellation – which will be a constellation of stars that maps their identity traits, both character traits and personality traits. The Ifo report will give them details as to how their internal values match up to their external actions, and potentially why they don’t or do match up so well, possibility of trauma, conditioning, or masking, or something else. They will also get an Ifo action plan, which, if they follow, they will begin to see results within a week. There will also be a section where they can see their patterns of confidence and self-esteem. This is where they will see how their personality begins to align more authentically with their core values as they gain more self-confidence and higher self-esteem. I know, this sounds a bit crazy, but i am in the process of building it. I am going to offer packages for those who just want the coaching to improve their lives, but I am also going to offer packages for those who want to use the confidence they gain to start a new business, where I can flip them over to the Dream Construction side and help them with their business start-up and build out their business processes. I might be insane to think this is going to take off, but, I believe it will. I am launching with a free challenge on April 7, and putting 10-15 people into the VIP program that week to do the more extensive things. Many of the things I am doing will warrant a subscription service and it will be pretty affordable. I am getting my Master’s in Industrial and Organizational Psychology for this part of the business. So that should be my last degree and I am hoping to utilize my degrees in ways that many do not.

The thing about the co-dependents and the narcissists meeting in the middle is so true, but when you have such an independent personality as mine the co-dependence only lasts for so long and that’s when the clash begins. I am not the type to not be able to do my own thing, and it is very unlikely anyone can control me. So, narcissistic they might have been, but, they hid it long enough to gain my submission, until they didn’t. Too bad for them. Crazy as it might seem, in my whole life there has only been one person that hasn’t come back and wanted me to give them another chance. The problem with me is once I am done, I am pretty much done, you can stay in my life as a friend, but you will never get my 100% trust back, so therefore it’s not worth being in a relationship with me. The only reason I stayed with my son’s father so long was because of my kids, especially my son. But, it got to the point of me actually having hate in my heart for him, and that is not a feeling I am used to, so I told him he needed to leave or I would. We are amicable now, but trust him, I do not.

I am happy with the changes I have seen in my boyfriend recently. I am not sure what has brought them about, but I don’t know, if I am willing to let him heal on his own, in his own time, would it be easier for him to without me? That I am not sure about. If it would maybe it would be best for me to let him go, but it seems if I do that just as he’s opening up it would do more damage than good. I want to stay with him on my end, but if it’s bad for him then I don’t want to. For me, I have a lot going on, so whatever happens will be okay. For now, taking it one day at a time.

Thanks Heidi!

Lori

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by Lori C.

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Sorry for the delay, I thought I would get time to write yesterday but the day was pretty filled, and at the end of the day I was exhausted. First, I would like to say I am also enjoying our conversation. It is very enlightening, and believe it or not, you helped put me back into the space I was in when I first met my current boyfriend. At the time when I met him I was going out on dates with people and I was being very particular about who I chose this time around because I refused to make the same mistakes I had made in the past. This was the case because I was much stronger mentally and emotionally, and I realized that although I might have flaws they are not what define me. I also had taken into account everything past men have done to me and said to me, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was in control. I wanted a relationship where I could become friends with someone first and then fall in love and create a love that I have never had before, so that’s one of the reasons I chose himin the first place. The way he talked was very matter-of-fact, he had his boundaries and I had mine.

I would like to explain where I was before I met Jeremy and why to put this into a better perspective. I started working with a hypnotherapist and a business/life coach a couple of years ago, back in 2023. I began a journey of self-healing and started very slowly growing stronger. I went through many periods of ups and downs through this time. When I first met my business coach he saw something in me that I just couldn’t see, and he used to tell me “Lori, once you see what I see in you, you will be unstoppable.” I am not sure I am quite there yet, but I have come a long way. But, then, in March of 2024, I found out I was high-functioning autistic with ADHD and I had been masking since the age of 14. But, what happened when I got hit with the bulk amount of information in March was I hit a shutdown period. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to help anyone.

I would like to explain this a bit more: At the time I was running my own business, I was helping people start and build their businesses. I concentrated on business start-up, building business credit and funding, and the digital business processes; building their business processes out using digital software, CRM’s, digital phone systems, and marketing funnels. When I started this business I went back to school and got my Master’s in Business Administration with an emphasis on digital marketing, and my Master’s in Project Management. But in 2023 I had a few clients that really took advantage of me, I gave my services, had them sign a contract, but when things fell out of the scope of what they paid for I felt bad for them and did the work without charging them for it. This put them in a place where they felt like I should do everything and anything they asked for free. It got to the point where I had to put a stop to it, and when I did it made them mad. My business coach put it into perspective though. I allowed this behavior for so long that it came to be an expected behavior. I also didn’t see the value in what I was offering so I wasn’t charging enough. But, on a different level I was positive projecting onto them, and because I couldn’t see myself taking advantage of someone I didn’t want to believe they were taking advantage of me. Long story short it ended very badly This hurt me mentally, and at the time I kind of backed off from helping anyone because I was thinking I wasn’t good enough. (I am getting to a point, I promise)

I jumped back in after several clients from the past called me for help, but then when the late autism diagnosis happened I am not entirely sure what happened, but I completely backed off from my business and kind of shut down for several months. I decided something was missing, or it wasn’t quite right. I put my time into my ex and my job at the bowling alley, I was supervisor in the cafe. I had decided that I wasn’t in a place where I could help anyone, and I retroed back a bit to not believing in myself. This leaked into my relationship with my ex. I had met him in September of 2023 and in September of 2024, September 2, to be exact was when he asked my almost-16-year-old to sit on his lap and after she said no he asked her again in a different way, she still said no. I caught the tail end of the conversation and so I asked her in the car if he asked her to sit on his lap. When I confronted him about it, he gaslit me, and turned everything around, even changed the layout of the room at the time to match the reasons why he would ask her that. I didn’t remember it the way he said, but he had practically convinced me I was crazy, until my daughter told me, “that is not what happened, and there was nothing on that chair. He is lying and he is gaslighting you.” That was when things went massively downhill, because I found out 3 days after he couldn’t get her to sit on his lap he got back on an adult dating site, and then he slept with someone else behind my back. I came to the conclusion that he did that because he realized my children were taught too well, and he wasn’t going to get anywhere with them. My 19-year-old told me when he hugged her he held her in a way that felt very uncomfortable, and so, I let him go. This was very painful for me. It put me into a spiral that lasted about a month or so. I couldn’t understand why I always chose so terribly.

That being said, I came out of that with so many questions about myself and what I always do wrong, and I dove into some things, I tend to do deep dives into things when an interest arises anyway. I realized how linked life really is, your finances, your relationships, your family, your career/business. It all is linked together really, it’s all part of who you are, and how you react to things in each environment feeds a little more into who you are. In October I had decided it was time for me to relaunch my business, and although I love building the digital systems and helping people fix their business processes something huge was missing. After much reflection on where I was at and what I have been through I knew I needed to pivot, but I didn’t quite know exactly where, or what I was going to do yet.

I started dating people, I got on two dating apps and I had men lined up, but I had decided to be particular this time, I deserved a better man. I was tired of choosing men based on my fear of being alone, or even possibly choosing them because they initially made me feel good about myself, there had to be potential for something that would last. I didn’t want to be love bombed in the beginning and then it fall apart. I wanted something real this time, if the possibility even existed. I thought being alone would be just fine if it didn’t. I changed my dating profile a few times. I realized there were so many men out there to choose from and the right one would come along eventually and i didn’t care how long it took. And then in December I decided I didn’t care at all if I even met anyone so I changed my dating profile again, with a much more, I don’t give a crap attitude, but don’t message me if all you want is sex because you aren’t getting that for quite some time. I actually got to the point of wanting to be alone, and realizing how strong I was becoming, and knowing that I was going to be okay regardless of what happened in the relationship category, then I met my boyfriend. He was so different, I was studying him on the first date, and it was an interesting date, no sparks flying, but he was intriguing. But like the others, I hugged him at the end of the date and told him I would talk to him later. Before him there were about 14 men that I had texted afterward and said I thought it would be better if we just remained friends. I was stepping into my power. But, after my date with him, I went to work, then I went home and thought about everything that him and i had talked about and how the date went, and decided I was kind of excited to learn more about him. So I texted him, and he called me and we talked for 5.5 hours on the phone. He had told me on the date that he is not really a phone person and he prefers text. The longest conversation he has ever had on the phone was 1.5 hours and that was a long time to him. He had told me he couldn’t even imagine being on the phone longer than that. The conversation between us went very well on the phone, around the 4.5 hour mark he happened to look at his phone and couldn’t believe we had been on for so long, and said we should get off soon. I thought we were hanging up, but then we started talking again. A couple nights later we had a 3.5 hour long conversation, and then I realized that I was willing to tell all the other guys that were messaging me that I was not available anymore, so I asked him where he was at with that. And him and I decided on New Year’s Eve that we would let everyone else go and we committed to each other. The crazy part is, through our faith and our conversations he filled in my blanks, without even realizing it, I am not sure if he even knows now, but between my prayers and him and a few things I was reading I figured out exactly what I needed to relaunch my business with a pivot that would knock everyone’s socks off and really boost my business.

The first two weeks in January went well, and no he didn’t talk to his ex or even really about her other than telling me she was a narcissist and she hurt him and he took her off his facebook and deleted her from his phone. Then the heart attack happened, it shifted everything. It shifted his perspective, he started talking more about his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend and his daughter. I realized that the loss of his friendship with his ex-girlfriend hurt him more than him getting divorced. His pain from that relationship is deeper than even the pain of losing his wife of 13 years. In my opinion that kind of sucks. I would think the divorce would hold a higher loss. He does talk about missing his daughter a lot, she comes over about once a week.

His fear of going into surgery also really pulled all of it together, and he needed to be able to say good-bye to some people just in case. I fully understood and told him to talk to whoever he thought he needed to. At first he asked me every time he was going to text or talk to his ex-girlfriend. He made it very clear she was never going to be more than a friend to him because of what she did. After surgery something shifted again, she did start to talk about them being together and he stopped her and said he was with me. So, he was keeping it under wraps, and for the most part he still is. They really only seem to talk when something happens. In February one of their EMT partners committed suicide and just this past week there was a major accident that involved an ambulance, so they talked then because they were trying to figure out who it was, since no information was being released. I think it’s partially my fault he is talking to her again.

Him and I never really had what they call a “honeymoon phase” we were just getting to know each other when he had his heart attack, and then after he was getting better I told him I kind of thought it would be best if we went back to where we were before it happened. He also agreed that I needed to be at home with my children more. So, we kind of went back to the “getting to know each other” phase of everything, as if nothing ever happened, as if he never was vulnerable with me, and as if he never spilled his guts about how much he has been hurt in the past. I never brought it up again, because based on what he said I felt like he wouldn’t want it brought up again. (his hear attack actually happened at a good time for me to be gone because the kids were at their dad’s for semester break for a week, and so I was able to be there without worrying about the kids at first, then I was back and forth between houses after they came home)

Okay, bringing us to the past couple of weeks, from the end of February to about a week ago he acted like he was never vulnerable with me, like we hadn’t built upon anything. I almost felt like he was only staying with me out of loyalty because I helped him through his heart attack and the time in his life when he was the most vulnerable. I didn’t want that. I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me, not because he feels like he should. So, I talked to him about it. He says he sees potential in our relationship to be long-term and even his mom and dad hear the way he talks and know that he’s in it for the long haul, but he just doesn’t feel it in his heart. He tried to explain that it takes time, and when he really broke it down and explained it, I kind of realized at the time (this was probably mid-Feb) i didn’t really feel it in my heart yet either.

So here is where it gets weird. I am not sure what shifted this past week, but he’s different. his hugs are more heartfelt, he holds me longer than he was, it used to be a weird, awkward hug (hard to explain) but the past 2 times I have been there his hugs have been a full embrace with so much more feeling. Then on Saturday, he called me. It was so weird, out of the blue he told me where he is at, how confused he has been since his heart attack, and how hard it has been for him recently with so many changes. He was pretty vulnerable and very honest about where he was at. So, I asked him, “what do you need from me?” He just said “Understanding” I asked him if he needed me to be around less, and quickly he says, that is not what I am saying, and I explained that I knew that wasn’t what he was saying, but I was asking if that was what he needed, or did he need me to be around a little more? He simply stated, I would like you around more, but I know your kids need you too, and I don’t want to take you away from your children, the time you have with them is important. I told him, I can make it work, I just need to know what he wants. That conversation was so heartfelt, and he was very open and honest, and then when I went there yesterday, it was so different, the way he embraced me and held onto me, and even the way he looked at me. I just dont’ know what changed on his end.

I am not sure what it is about me, but Heidi, you have reignited my strength, the strength I was already building upon. I originally wrote in a moment of weakness, I had been contemplating letting him go, and just being alone, and then the fear of being alone, which when you asked me what’s my fear of being alone, I realized it’s not really a fear of being alone. I love my alone time, but it’s a fear of not having anyone when I die. I have been told I am just like my mom. She was pretty horrible, and in finding out I am high functioning autistic I look back at what she went through, and I am pretty sure, like me, she was misdiagnosed bipolar and being treated wrong. The meds messed her up more than anything. I, myself, refused to be like my mom, but in the end, when she died there was only a handful of people at her funeral, and since she has 5 kids that doesn’t say much at all. I don’t want to be that person.

There was a time years ago that my family did something extremely horrible to me, that was pretty much unforgivable, but I forgave them anyway and let them back into my life a few years later, but at arms length. I don’t let a lot of people into my circle. I have many acquaintances, people I just know at the bowling alley and from work, but when I need help I don’t really have anyone. I am used to doing pretty much everything on my own. My car breaks, I fix it, if I can’t afford the mechanic I check YouTube and order the parts and fix it myself. They say you shouldn’t count on your children, but they are there for me more than anyone, however, I try not to ask them for much. I want to be their protector. And all my children know they can still call me whenever they need anything. My oldest is 24 and we talk all the time and she even told me the other day, “The one thing I know J knows is if I call you Mama, you’ll always pull up.”

So, that being said, at least I did something right. My children know I will always be there to protect them. But, going through life always having to be the one to fix things, take care of everyone, knowing that I have severe Crohn’s, and other issues, and knowing that I don’t have anyone to take care of me or help me, is sometimes a bit hard. The weirdest thing is though, when I am in a relationship, I never ask the man to be there for me, I never really show that I need someone. Although I am not going to lie, when my boyfriend thanked me for being there for him through his heart attack, I said, “You are welcome, I am sure there will be a day that I am going to need you just as much if not more.” I am not always well, and I have been in and out of the hospital many times, so I know there will come a day when that will be, I guess I just needed to put that into perspective for him, because if he doesn’t want to be burdened with my health issues than he should know sooner rather than later that something might happen. He’s a paramedic, he knows I have severe Crohn’s.

I have been told by people at work, that I have worked with, clients, and many say that when they first meet me I come off as arrogant and intimidating and once they get to know me the amount of love and care I put into anyone in my midst is amazing. I have been told by others that I have a light that just shines through. I have also been told by others that I am a super-empath and that’s why I attract narcissists, that was a funny one to me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am a super-empath, but I do attract narcissists, two that I know for sure I have dated. Just a month ago I had a man at work tell me that I come off as an Alpha or Sigma female and I intimidate men. I don’t really understand how I do this, or if I really even do. And if I am intimidating I don’t know how to fix it.

Me being autistic, at first everything made so much sense, but then when I started reflecting on the issues I have had all my life, I got really overwhelmed. I went through a, “if only I had known,” stage. I then realized that masking didn’t really change the way that people perceived me, they still thought I was weird, but it was just more accepted, and sometimes it wasn’t. I have come to realize though that being autistic doesn’t define me, and if anything, realizing why I think the way I do, and why I do the things I do the way I do them, empowers me. Just understanding myself has made a world of difference, and that in itself has made me so much stronger, but I still have such a long way to go. (but don’t we all?)

The trauma bond might be a thing, but I am not sure it is. I haven’t decided yet, but it’s in my mind.

I am sorry this was so long, but for some reason, I thought it was time for you to understand more of who I was and where I was coming from.

[Lori C]

Just a real quick reply for clarification for now and I’ll write more later. I have 4 children, 2 are adults and two are still kids. We agreed for the kids to not get close to somebody and it not last, to wait for a meeting.

I just got home from work, so I’ll write more tomorrow, but I did want to clarify that.

[Lori C]

Heidi,

Sorry for the delay. I actually don’t think I am going to have the conversation with him, I am going to wait it out and see what happens; I am letting him heal in his own time. I don’t know, I think that’s best. I had actually decided not to talk to him about it before I read your post, and you just solidified that for me. I have come to be at my house more often than his, and we have come back to the “getting to know each other” period, which is weird because we did spend those two weeks together during his heart attack and surgery. I was who I needed to be for him at that time, but I don’t think he really knows who I really am; we really just met each other. I honestly think in time things will come together, and maybe I am hoping for too much too soon.

That being said, I make sure I am able to see him about 2-3 times/week, and usually for a few hours each time. I spend the night with him once every couple of weeks. That seems to be where we have fallen into at this point in time. This is the case because we both have things we are working on, but my life is much busier than his. I am launching a new part of my business in early April, and I am going back to school for my third Master’s degree starting March 24 (I know that sounds like a lot, but all three pertain to my business structure). I also have 2 children who still live with me and are in school, and my youngest has chorus, track, Boy Scouts, and bowling, so I have to pick him up after school on Mondays and Wednesdays and have him at the bowling alley on Saturday mornings. The Scout leaders pick him up due to my bowling league overlap. I bowl on two leagues during the week and do tournaments on the weekend in between working a part-time job at the bowling alley on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings and Saturdays and Sundays. Sunday is my long day there, I am there from noon until 10 pm on Sundays. I make sure, in between all of that, to make time for him. Because of my kids and our agreement, I am the one always going to his place. Our agreement is that neither one of us will meet each other’s children until we have been together long enough to know we are in this 100% for the long-term. He has met my 20-year-old and is probably going to meet my 24-year-old this week or next. They are adults, and I told him I value their opinions, and he is okay with that.

Clarification: When I say, “I need to talk to you about something,” and I outright tell him what’s bothering me, he has never invalidated me, but when we are just talking or hanging out and I say something, or do something that maybe shows my vulnerability it seems like it was wrong. It’s complicated. I really think I myself might just be a little too much for him. He says he was looking for “peace” he says I bring peace; he says I have been the most peaceful woman he’s ever met, but I feel like there’s a possibility that’s because he really doesn’t know me yet. I have told him this; I have told him I have a fear that I am just going to be too much for him. I half wonder if that fear stems more from what other men have ingrained in my head about me than anything that he has done. I, personally, as everyone, am still working on myself. I am stronger than I was, but I know I have moments of low self-esteem and major self-conscious moments, and these are the moments when I have to bring myself back and just remember that my good thoroughly outweighs my bad. I am working on it.

Thanks,

Lori

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