[Angela W]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you so much for responding. Thank you for your raw honesty. It’s exactly what I’ve already been telling myself and I needed to hear from you. From my understanding about why he won’t commit is he is afraid of it not working out, being hurt, loosing everything again, etc. I can go on and on but out of his own mouth, he is afraid to lose his independence. I can understand that after two failed marriages since 18, both back to back, that he got some reservations. I’ve been divorced now for 10 years and I felt like him when I first got divorced.

I totally understand that these men not committing has to do with some of their own stuff but I know I play a role in all of my experiences. My ex husband was a serial cheater and had a baby on me about 10 years into our relationship. We were together for 15 years. In these last 10 years I only had one relationship where the was a commitment, but it was still surface level, like he wasn’t seeing anyone else, but he didn’t really see a future with me either. And I realized over the past year and a half now that in each of those situations I’ve wanted for them to choose me. I accepted less than I deserve, I just wanted to be loved. These men were all emotionally unavailable and had their own self-love and self esteem issues, just like me. I realized more recently with this latest guy that I want him to change and choose me so I don’t have to do the hard part which is and always has been my issue (letting go)and choosing myself. I realized over these last three years just how emotionally unavailable I was, and this guy held space for me and showed me how I still had some unresolved work around self-love/worth, even though I had done so much already over the years. I had a very traumatic childhood.

Yes, I have been betraying myself over and over in these situations because I always knew I should leave. But as you said, I’ve shifted, justified and rationalized what I want just to keep things going. I guess not wanting to start over, and not wanting to be alone. I definitely want to fall madly in love and have a healthy relationship. The last couple of months have been weighing really heavy on me because I know I deserve better. And I honestly can’t take it anymore. When I write out what I want versus what I’m getting it makes me upset and I just really can’t justify it anymore. I did end things with him on Tuesday. This time it feels different. The last time I did it for him to make him change, but this time I did it for me, and it doesn’t hurt like it did before. He understood and it was peaceful. It’s very disappointing that he so stuck in fears but I fully accept where he is at. I’ve been telling since the beginning that he is out of alignment with what I truly desire for myself not because he is a bad person but because we aren’t desiring the same things right now at the same time. As long as I keep giving he will keep taking.

I thank you for your words because it gave me that final push needed to do what needed to be done and for the first time in my life I’m choosing me and letting go of a man that is a great guy but cannot meet my needs in this present moment. I am affirming I deserve love that is safe, consistent, and reciprocated. no exceptions!Thank you 😊

[Author]

Posts