[Sam]

Hey Heidi,
Thank you so very much for getting back to me. I really appreciate it.

In answer to your questions:
1. What was the reason he got a divorce the first time around?
He hasn’t really spoken about in much over the years but from what he has said apparently she was sleeping with half the town. Including one of his best mates and no one in the town told him. So as you can imagine he got hurt very badly. He lived in a small town, and everyone knew before he even did.
I do know that in the relationship that he was in before I met him he mentioned the same sort of behaviour that he has displayed with me, he also did with her. So she would be inside and he would be outside. I just stupidly thought he was going to change.

2. How long has he been an alcoholic and smoking?
From my understanding all his life. He has had the addiction for a long time. I also have been told by family members that he lost his licence a few times when he was in his 20s. And in all honesty I don’t know how he hasn’t. Some days he would be well over the limit. And if he loses his licence there goes his job!!

3. Does he even admit to being an alcoholic or does he feel it’s not damaging because he is high functioning and not abusive?
Yes, he does and he does say that he would like to give it up. But when I have brought to his attention how much he’s actually spending on alcohol, he gets very defensive and says that it’s his money and he can spend it on whatever he wants. Since he has been gone he’s been buying a case of beer everyday. I can see it in our bank account and I have stopped myself from looking because it upsets me greatly.I feel awful even sharing this.

4. When he said he would quit, do you think it was for you or was he wanting to quit for himself?
I think it’s a bit of both. The longest he has ever gone without drinking is a week and he was a nightmare. It took all the strength in my body to be patient and understanding. He was angry and snappy the whole time. I think he suffers from depression. He did say this past Saturday when he came to the house that he was going to see a doctor. And I hope he does. Because part of the bigger picture is that the alcohol is also now affecting his sex drive and it came up in a conversation over the weekend where he said “How can I be in a relationship if my libido has gone and been gone for the past 2 years” This came shining through to me. I said I wish he could have come and talked to me about it and we could have worked through it together. I also said that he has nothing to feel ashamed about and that I’m sorry that he has been suffering in silence. I’ve been carrying around and thinking that he didn’t want me or find me attractive anymore. Our communication is so terrible isn’t it?

Heidi thank you so much for your insight about him choosing the beer over me! For so long sometimes I felt like I was going a bit insane that I was overreacting!! I have tried to be understanding and even reached out to his parents and sisters because I am concerned about him and it breaks my heart to see him doing what he is doing to himself. They don’t want to get involved which has made it even worse. Everything that you have said makes sense.

I have been working on myself in a few ways:
I’ve made HUGE changes in my business that I have wanted to for a long time. I now have my weekends back because I was missing so many family and important things. Also, it was weighing very heavily on our relationship because he would often say we never do anything and never will because of my business. He resents my business and saw it as a money pit and taking up his weekends! Which hurt me so much because I have been working so hard to build my business to where it is today and hopefully one day retire him and make him proud of me. And I’ve come to realise I never stopped him from going fishing or what ever he wanted to do while I was at work! He chose not to do those things!! Yes, he has been kind and helped me financially when things have been tough but I have not asked for anything financial for well over a year. I have asked him MUTIPLE times to look at my business and get his feedback. Because he’s actually so smart when it comes to business and I LOVE hearing him talk about his job and how he deals with things. Its actually very inspiring.

Since he has gone I have spent some of my time doing things around the house that bring me joy and I have wanted to do for SO long! I have completely rearranged the house. I love to faff about, make things and my home welcoming. Just this past weekend I have fixed a table that I’ve been asking him to fix for ages and decorated it all I need are some pretty flowers. I have also started to prepare a garden bed for either veggies or some flowers- I’m not sure yet!

I have learnt to live in the now and stop looking behind me or trying to fix whats coming. It has been so enlightening and taken a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, my anxiety does creep in every now and again and I break down but I have learnt to breath through it and snap out of my dark thoughts. I am seeing my doctor this week to get a referral to get some professional help.

I have also started reading again for 30 minutes a day sometimes longer. I’ve almost finished a book I started 3 years ago! I’ve also started exercising. I’m also blogging again and just focusing on what brings me joy.

I hear you that he has to face his addiction. I really do and I guess there is no point in fighting for us until he does and right now at this moment, I don’t see that happening even though I’m putting it all out to the universe that that’s what I would like to bring to us. I have to try and accept this and keep moving forward even though deep down I want him back. That is the hardest thing to accept and hurts me to my core.

Yes this was all very hard to read and it has upset me but I’m taking everything on board and I appreciate everything thank you.

When he left he said that he doesn’t have a life and he wants to concentrate on him, earn a load of money buy investment properties and buy a boat and live on the river. This was the first time I had ever HEARD these things. And its so stupid because I want all of those things too!! He doesn’t have any mates and just works. I have tried so hard to do different things with him and he just makes himself unavailable.

Thank you for those things to take a look at. I will spend this week looking into them.

Thank you also for your time and please let me know if there any other words of advice.

Sam 🙂

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