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Thank you, Heidi. I agree with you. Even though it makes me cry, and I wish it could be different. And I still wish he could know all that I’ve done because I know he’d be proud of me too, despite everything.
I will keep your words and reread them. They’ve really been helpful. Your compassion is soothing, as is your straight up logic about all of it. I’ve never been good at giving up control, and this has been a constant lesson in that, because the only thing I can control in all of this is me.
Hi Heidi,
I know you’re right about all of this. And actually I have done SO MUCH work around this pain already. I’m so much farther along than I was in the start, I have faced so much pain, about losing him and finally about what I had endured and hadn’t faced from my marriage/divorce. But you’re right, there is more of that to do and making it his problem in any way isn’t fair. And will ruin any chances I have, if there even is a chance.
It’s so hard to lose a person like this. He’s my best friend and I miss him constantly. But I will work harder to move through this without him. I appreciate the time you’ve taken to read all that I wrote and respond.
I wish I could make up for what I put him through. I know I could if given the chance, I guess that’s part of what I’m struggling to let go of too, my regret and guilt, and knowing I could do it right, now that I’ve faced my past. But I can’t make him try again, or be open.
It’s such a tragic situation. I wish I could fast forward, or go back, or undo some of what I’ve done. But that’s not how it works! I don’t want to hurt him more. I won’t go there. It’s not fair and I don’t want to put him through more pain or stress. Thank you for pointing that out to me… I need to keep my compassion for him in my sights.
Sorry for all my disjointed additions to my response. I keep rereading and thinking I didn’t fully answer your questions.
I think he felt in our relationship that he could stick with things and work them out with me, but not when it came to my ex bc I was unwilling to follow through and pull the trigger on legal action.
He is someone though who takes time to figure out how he feels. He’s thoughtful and thinks for a long time before replying to things. But I think he also holds grudges. I just worry that I broke his heart and he’s just too afraid to be vulnerable one more time. He was vulnerable with me, and I messed it up.
I wish we had some mutual friends I could get at least a LITTLE insight into what’s going on with him. I have considered reaching out to 2 of his friends, or one of their wives, but have never done it bc I think it would annoy him.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your reply. I’l give you some more info.
Our relationship was really wonderful. We were open and honest with one another and he often said it was the most mature relationship he’d ever had. The problem really was my ex husband, and my fear of taking action. And as that wore on us, I started to invalidate my bfs feeling about it, bc the alternative meant I had to take the scary actions. I know how badly I hurt him. And I know he tried and tried until he just couldn’t anymore. I understand why he had to break up with me. I just don’t understand how it can be too little too late. Especially since it’s only been 3.5 mnonths and I’ve accomplished so much!
He is a little avoidant. But wasn’t really in our relationship. Except that I made it hard for him to share his feelings about the impact my ex was having. It’s so complicated. But he did also mention he has never gotten back together with an ex, and that he always cuts off all contact after a breakup. But I know our relagtionship was difdfernt. If it hadn’t been for my ex husband, we’d be married and have a baby by now.
We broke up Aug 24 and spoke 3 days later. He kept saying “I don’t want this but don’t know what else to do.” And he said “I hope this isn’t the end for us, but that’s unfair to say.” On sept 13 I went where he lives (3 hours away, we dated long distance) to get my stuff. He knew I was coming that weekend but didn’t know which day. So he was a bit blind sided when I showed up. He had tried to avoid me and just have his mom give me my things. At this point he was very angry for all he had gone through trying to support me and encourage me to take my power back. I apologized and criend and let him know how truly sorry I was for what I put him through. Finally he softened a bit and said, “I know you are”. I asked if I could hug him goodbye, we hugged, and I left.
I drove back home and immediately cut off all non essential communication with my ex husband and have maintained that to this day.
I also took him to mediation and court to change all the rules that stood in the way of me being allowed to have a new relationship, etc. My life is SO different now.In Oct I sent my ex bf a letter apologizing for evrything I put him through, for invalidating his feelings and for not having boundaries with my ex. Apologizing for all the pain and anxiety I caused, and promising to do the work to move past it with him if he was willing. I told him I wanted the same future he did, and that my kids and i miss him and I hope eventually he’d be open to talking more about it.
He didn’t respond. However, after I had gone there to get my stuff (Sept 13) he blocked me. I called a week later and knew I was blocked, But in Oct I sent a text telling him to keep an eye out for my letter in the mail and the text went through. So I know he unlblocked me.
He also occassiobnally views my stories on Instagram, but not always. So it’s confusing. I think if he were DONE he’d block me and delete our IG photos and not want the trigger of me texting him, etc.
I know he loved me so deeply. He’s such a wonderful man and our connection was really something special. He would not have stuck around for 2.5 years if it wasn’t worth it to really try everything he could. But I was the one who had to do the scary thing. He couldn’t MAKE me do it. But losing him was the catalyst I needed to make these changes. And like I said, I’m so grateful and I;m proud of myself for what I’ve done. I’m really free from my ex husband now. I stood up to him in ways that really called hus bluff and made him back down. It’s very empowering and has been great for my kids to see me do that as well.
I just wish he would talk to me. It’s really immature and sh*tty how he has cut me out, and my kids. It’s a red flag for sure and he definitely has issue he needs to work on. I know he’s scared, and running from the problem. And I also know that he will regret it if he doesn’t give me another chance. I know how happy we could be. I didn’t believe in soul mates or twin flames until I met him. We are so well suited for each other. It makes me so mad that he’s letting fear stand in the way of the amazing life we could share.
Is it possible if I just totally leave him alone and give him time he’ll come around? The other day I text all this nonsense basicallt begging him to reply. Sayibng I was going crazy with frusration and just wanted to have a conversation, nothing scary. He didn’t respond. So the hnext day I apoliogized and said sorry for letting my emotions get the better of me and for pestering him, and telling him he’ll always be my hero for pulling me out of the dark and making me take my power back.
So the timeline of communications from me is:
Aug 24 break up
aug 28 face time call
Sept 13 went and got my stuff and talked for an hour
Sept 23 Ccalled and discovered i was blocked
Oct 14 texted a simple apology text
Oct 24 texted to keep an eye out for my letter in the mail
Oct 28 letter delivered by FedEx
Dec 12 texted an update to say mediation/court was successful and I won!
Dec 21 texted begging for a reply and telling him we miss him and to just fricking TALK TO ME
Dec 22 texted an apology for my outburst and a “youll always be my hero for xyz”And now here we are. I’m working with another relationship coach who is considering letting me drive to where he lives and confront him, bc my need for closure is just getting the better of me. But the truth is I don’t want closure. I want us back and know how great it could be now that I have removed the only obstacle we ever had! I wish he would just give me a chance. Talk, no pressure just talk to me. It’s really unfair.
