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I start the revisiting of my childhood through the therapy I’m starting this morning. It’ll be interesting to find out what I’ve buried deep and be able to really release it, so I can regain my self-esteem fully and live the very best life I want for myself and my daughter
My plan is to take what I learn myself and teach it to her so she can live the most fulfilling life she can too
I’ll 💯 keep you posted on this therapy, so I’ll keep this email thread tagged so I can easily respond
Thank you Heidi 😊
So here’s what I’ve learned from my own extensive therapy I’ve already done and from my own personal situation
My ex and I got together when I was only 19 years. Hindsight is an amazing thing isn’t it!?!?!
I’ve been my daughters carer for almost 18 years now and because of that, I was never independent from my ex husband, financially. I was home caring for our daughter. When I left, I had nothing and moved into my parents place. My daughter and I are still here now.I see their relationship from a completely different perspective now. I know they’re a different generation to me, so they think very differently but in a nutshell, they both have narcasstic traits in them. My dad more so because through my daughter, I can see that my dad has undiagnosed autism, that he ignores. His ‘narcassism’ traits come from that. He’s polar opposite to my daughter lol
Growing up, I thought their relationship was great. They both boast about how long they’ve been married. I’ve come to learn that’s a pride thing in both of them
Due to all of these things and the things I’ve mentioned about my ex and his parents, I didn’t recognise that any of it was happening, until I removed myself from the picture
This journey has all been a massive eye opening experience for me, so yes, I have figured all that out too
Do I think my own parents should still be married!?@?!!? Not even a little bit but it’s not my life so it’s not my problem. I’ll continue to look after myself and mind my oen business 😊
Hi Heidi
I think from everything that happened on Christmas night, I’ve just decided to live my life for me and nobody else. What will be, will be really. I know first hand how it feels to have been broken my a partner and I have no desire whatsoever to even try to pursue any man until I’m more healed than I already am. I also have the utmost respect for my friend because he’s been a true gentleman to me. Firstly, I don’t pursue, it’s just not who I am. Secondly, I’m more than happy with friendship than nothing at all. I will NEVER try to push somebody into something they’re not ready for and now is ‘my time’ to focus on myself, wholeheartedly
This is the whole reason im pursuing this therapy for myself. I think this will be my final MAJOR hurdle of removing all of that toxicity from my life 🤞
Elated is the best descriptive word I can use to describe the feeling when I blocked that f#*ker 😃
Hi Heidi. I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll definitely share my healing therapy with you
A realisation hit me right in the face at the end of last year. Christmas night actually. My narc ex sent me a text message. My daughter has him blocked so he can’t contact her at all and with her having multiple invisible disabilities, she’s mentally a lot younger for her age in so many areas of her life. She’s having psychology and trauma counselling to help her with this but to me, it felt like the right thing to do as a mum, to keep at least 1 line of communication open with my ex, just in case of an emergency situation
I lost all respect for my ex husband in May last year when I asked him for some help with our daughter. He said he could call me 6 days later. WTAF! From then, I had no desire at all to contact him. I’d been raising her on my own since she was a baby because he was never present and quite clearly, has no interest in being present now, unless it suits his time frame. To me, that’s not what parenting is!
On Christmas night, he sent me a message, sharing his disappointment that our daughter didn’t contact him on his birthday or Christmas. He told me that it’s clear to him that our daughter is receiving no real guidance and she’s only developed mine. He also said I have a lot to asnwer for. She didn’t contact him on either of those occasions in 2023, or father’s day. I had asked her if she’d like to and I would have happily taken her shopping to buy him a gift from her but she didn’t want to, so I respected her choice. My existed mother used to be a horrific alcoholic. I believe she was when she was pregnant with him. He was born in 1977. She’s always taught him that a parent should always be forgiven for their mistakes, it doesn’t matter how many times Those mistakes were made and unfortunately, my ex was neglected by both his parents from a very young age because his mother was drinking and his father was doing unimaginable things that i won’t go into
I’ve come to learn through 3+ years of my own therapy that trust and respect, really are earned and not freely given
My daughter is being taught through her own therapies and me, that it’s absolutely ok to have her own thoughts and feelings about things. That these feelings and thoughts are hers alone and nobody has a right to have them. Nobody can take them from her and nobody should even try to. If they do, they’re not validating them and that isn’t ok
Anyway, from his message on Christmas night, I’m of the genuine belief that he was deliberately trying to upset me on Christmas day because it’s not the first time and it’s typical narc behavior…….deflection!
I decided to block him now because he doesn’t deserve that place in my brain anymore. He lost my heart a long time ago and now he doesn’t deserve a place in my thoughts either
My male friend has taught me what it feels like to actually be a feminine woman. For the longest time, I’ve had to tap into my masculinity really hard because I’ve had to be my daughter’s protector. I’d buried my feminine self for such a long time and I can now feel that femininity returning, for no other person, than myself. I owe that to myself
100% healing isn’t possible, I don’t think. It’s not meant to be because otherwise there is no future learning and no extra growth and I believe we spend our entire lives learning and growing. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons we exist as humans
For me, it looks like letting go of things that no longer serve me. It means tapping into my truest version of myself and being a little more cautious of my emotions and feelings. I care about the wellbeing of my ex husband but I don’t have to accept his deflection and negativity into my life anymore because it’s holding me back from enjoying my life and finding my own happiness, outside of my daughter
I know I’m great, just the way I am right now. I accept myself for who I am because I know the journey I’ve taken to get to this point in my life. I know my values and beliefs and I know who deserves a piece of me and sho doesn’t
That will always change and evolve because that’s part of life. I’ve just now come to the real realisation that I love myself for who and what I am and people can take me or leave me. That’s their choice to make
I think one of the biggest things I need to let go of is my own guilt I carry, for keeping myself and especially my daughter in such a toxic situation for as long as I did. That’s one of the biggest things I’ll be going through with this therapy. Part of me knows that I was doing what I thought was right by her with the information I had at the time and I didn’t realise what was happening until I left the situation. Even though my brain tells me that, I’ll be doing my very best to feel it in my heart too because to me, that’s about giving myself and my daughter the best futures I can possibly offer us both…..because we deserve that
My male friend is also very guarded himself but he has told me he’s been hurt by women too. I completely respect his choice and also completely understand what he means. That’s why he’s raising a daughter himself too. I feel like I may be able to offer him some help with that, once I’m healed enough to believe it myself. It’s up to him if he chooses to accept it or not. I can’t and won’t force him to do anything he’s not comfortable with and I don’t have that in my control anyway 🤷🏼♀️
The only control I have in my life, is my own actions and behaviours towards my own healing. If that includes helping him or someone else, I consider that to be a win
Hi Heidi. 100% still healing
I am actually starting a very different kind of therapy on January 5th. It’s called neuro transformation therapy and I’m excited for it. I’ll be reintroducing myself to the world again in 6 weeks time because I really believe I’ll have changed to the very best version of myself, once I’ve done this therapy
I have absolutely no expectations with him at all. He’s just a good guy to laugh with, that’s all. I’m not interested in pursuing anything with him romantically. He’s been a valuable lesson to me in my life
This year, I plan on working on me first because I can’t be the best version of myself until I’m completely healed. That will then pour over into my daughter and being the best mum to her at the same time
My best female friends are extremely supportive and always there for me. I’m very blessed in that area of my life, for sure
Even between the time I posted my original topic to now, I’ve changed, learned and grown more. That is my current priority with my life 😊
I’m not in contact with my ex, no. Our daughter is 17 and blocked him completely almost 2 years ago (her own choice). I know exactly, the kinds of games my ex husband plays, so I had consent orders drawn up a long time before the divorce, to protect myself and my daughter
I completely respect his choice. We are in contact via messaging only. Our girl’s both know that we’re only friends
My ex husband actually sent me a very degrading, nasty text message on Christmas night, so I’ve now blocked him completely too
I’m 100% treading very carefully because of my own traumas and I’m still healing myself, from all the years of abuse I’d endured
My friend has been nothing but supportive. He’s been there when I needed it and he 100% didn’t have to be. I’ve thanked him and he’s come across as very sincere but I’m still very weary
Really thinking about it, I don’t even know for sure that I’m even ready for a relationship myself yet. I’m enjoying talking to him as a friend though because he seems to be everything much like myself, just as a man lol
