[Darya U]

Hi Heidi,

Sorry for the delay in replying: I got sick and spent last couple of days in bed with a fever.
I should definitely consider moving to Colorado, especially if I can meet you there in person! ❤️
In your examples of the overweight woman and the guy who always spends his money impulsively, those are examples of secondary gain or secondary benefits, right?
You said: ”Usually it’s a belief or limitation protecting us even though on the surface level, it is causing A LOT of stress and challenge in our lives.”
It would be interesting to explore what secondary benefits I get from my belief that getting older means “time is running out.” I think I can identify at least some of them, but I’ll have to admit them, which isn’t easy. But I’m ready. Perhaps this could be the topic of our next conversation, if you don’t mind.
YOU: “I have been to sooooo many therapists and there have been a handful that had no idea how to help me, because I had actually gone deeper within myself than they had in their own lives and I’m not even a therapist!” I think that even if you are not certified as a therapist, you are an outstanding one.
And that is how I feel too about the army of regular therapists that our medical schools provide. When I see a happy 30-year-old mother of a newborn in the chair across from me, I have neither the trust nor the desire to share my problems with her, to spill my guts to her. I understand that she has been trained to be empathic, and she probably has all the skills she has learned, but… the lack of life experience and the lack of deep self-discovery cannot be replaced by that. I can imagine that she could help me, but I would have to spend months or even years in her office just to explain my situation to her. I know myself much better than she ever will. And I don’t want to educate her at my expense. Even if the therapist is not young, I still feel like they are like children next to me, from whom I cannot learn much.
YOU: “So if you TRULY want to work towards your emotional freedom, then I will email you her contact info. and you can take it from it there.” Yes, please email me her contact information if possible. I’m not saying I’m ready to start this journey right now. But I’ll think about it, and it’s so valuable to have that contact when I’m ready. I will be very grateful to you for this!

Warmly,

Darya

[Darya U]

This is a great quote, Heidi! I love it!
What you said about the people in Colorado sounds encouraging! I might start thinking about moving there :-).

Thank you for your faith in me! I feel like a prisoner of self-limitations and false beliefs. And if you said you freed yourself, I hope I can do the same!
You said you only scratched the surface. But in my experience, our conversation with you is the deepest I’ve ever had with a therapist, believe it or not! I really appreciate your time, your compassion, your openness, your genuine willingness to help me!
And since I don’t have such experience, could you advise me on what I should talk about with a coach, how to make our conversations more effective, and not just confess? What should I start with?

Darya

[Darya U]

Heidi,

Thank you very much for your credits to my poem and myself! You gave me the feedback I appreciate because it’s not just “okay” or “I like it”. People usually can’t express themselves, their real thoughts and feelings, they can’t explain why they like or dislike something, but not YOU. You are so self-aware, and you are used to analyzing and expressing yourself, you understand what strings of your soul were touched and why. I think this is a result of your education, your curiosity and study of people and of course life experience.

I have also moved many times in my life, even before I came to the US. I could call myself a gypsy. In the US alone, I moved and started from scratch four times over 17 years in places I knew no one. Although in science, it is quite common to change universities and states if you are looking for a better position, yet I think I beat a record. And all these years I did it alone because my son lived in another state and my husband returned home. And it didn’t bother me until recently.
That’s why I finally stuck to my current University for the last 10 years and yet changed four labs here: every 3-4 years my new PI took a new position in another place and moved but I didn’t follow him or her. I said to myself: “enough, it’s time to stop moving, making new friends, losing touch with old friends and renting a place.” Now I’m looking for stability in life. My sister doesn’t understand it as she lived her entire life in the US at one place. But I know exactly what you mean.

YOU: “While courses can be helpful, you need someone to talk to. You have sooooo many stories and lies running around in that head of yours, you need someone to guide you through the mess and chaos you are managing right now.”
Heidi, you’re doing this to me right now by talking to me. Do you mean doing it in a different format?

YOU: I know PLENTY of women who are absolutely gorgeous in their 70s and 80s. It’s NEVER too late to fall in love and have a relationship.
Yes, I have no doubts about women, I try to stay in shape myself. I worry more about men: it is difficult to find a man in his 70s and 80s who is still attractive and functional as a partner in bedroom. Unless it is someone 10 years younger than me. But I like to be younger than my partner.
You’ll probably say that this is something I should put out of my mind. You’re probably right, but I can’t do that right away. I feel like it’s time to re-evaluate my standards for men and people in general: to stop judging people by their appearance. All my life I tried to take good care of myself and expected my partner to be equally attractive because I thought I deserved it. But maybe this is my lesson to value his good attitude and desire to make me happy as the highest virtue.

Warmly,
Darya

[Darya U]

P.S. Sorry, I didn’t answer your last question. I think I’m running out of time to build a new full-fledged relationship. As I age, I lose my attractiveness and self-confidence.

[Darya U]

Dear Heidi,

Sorry, it’s been a bit of a hectic time, and I haven’t responded to you for a while.

“You are wanting to run away as well. You are thinking about dating again, you are surrounding yourself with people, you are wanting to leave where you live and build a life somewhere else….and while none of those things are bad or wrong, you are wanting to do all of those things because you are trying to get away from the hurt, instead of facing it….just like your guy does. And look at how his choice to run away sabotaged the best thing he has ever had in you!”
I don’t think I’m doing any of that. Yes, I want to leave here, but only because I don’t have people left who love me and with whom I feel comfortable here. Isn’t it natural to want to be around people who make you happy, like my son and my grandchildren? I won’t stop working on my personal growth, I can do that from wherever I live, right? What do you suggest? Stay where I am and continue to communicate with that guy and my sister? Isn’t that an escape from the problem? Meeting someone doesn’t necessarily mean starting a new serious love relationship, it can just be friendship.

Thanks for the link to the TED talk. It’s so true. However, I wasn’t resistant to accepting that we broke up only because my brain didn’t want us to, but because he texted me, “I want to be on my own. FOR NOW.” Why couldn’t he have the courage to tell me he was done? Why did he leave his foot in the door? Wasn’t he sure he didn’t want to come back someday? But it wasn’t fair to me to give him false hope.
Another difficulty in my case is that I do not belong to the place where I live, and I do not have many relatives and friends who could support me. He actually replaced all these people for me, he was my whole world. And of course, I did not want to admit my pain to strangers. Guy Winch talks about compassion for a broken heart. But my closest person who could do this for me was my twin, and she betrayed me. She probably thinks that even my life full of pain is better than her hopeless life, and she is jealous.
“…unless you have someone trained and objective acting as your guide. Is that something you would be willing to do?”
I actually signed up for a few online courses based on ideas from Joe Dispenza, John Kehoe, etc. They are helpful, but it takes a long time to complete all the assignments. But I do my best, I do it at my own pace and I don’t give up.

“Your only job is self care, self love, learning, growing, and forgiving – so you can free yourself and not bring this pain into your next relationship.”
Thanks for your encouragement. These are my new goas in life from now on.
“I learned how to build trust within myself to handle anything in a healthy, conscious way. I have freedom from my past.”
I hope I am on the right track now. Thank you for sharing your experience and guiding me.
Thank you for offering me all these tools, some of them I already use, others I will try. I believe that in the end everything will be fine for me.
Now I want to share with you a poem that I wrote in the past, but which now seems appropriate. I have met a very good friend in you, and I want to thank you and wish you a very Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it) and a very Happy New Year!
* * *
The year departs, a bearer of such sorrow,
For it is not eternal, nor are we.
And gentle snow upon the ground tomorrow
Symbolizes winter’s certainty.

But beauty of the living, though not lasting,
Enchants, compelling us to set aside
The thought of life’s ungraspable swift passing,
And simply be, to hope, to love, abide.

At times, the soul’s one raw and aching wound,
And every blow feels more than we can bear.
Yet all shall pass—believe me, late or soon—
Thus life’s great gift grows richer, ever rare.

Your love is needed by the ones who love you,
A guiding light, a beacon through the night.
Let us embrace the world that lies before us,
For we are only guests within its light.

And marvel at the colors of the sunset,
Rejoice in every day, as if it’s new!
I know that someday we will be gathered
With those we’ve loved but lost along life’s view.

I trust that life’s no mere fleeting whimsy,
And its conclusion is not truly end.
So may the strength of New Year’s ancient mystery
Awaken hope in every heart, my friend!

[Darya U]

Heidi,

I’m so sorry you have this relationship with your brothers! Why do people of your blood, your siblings, the people who are supposed to be your closest friends, hurt you the most?! Why do they make these choices? I never thought my twin and I would end up like this! I met her before we were born! And she says blood relatives aren’t necessarily soulmates! Remember how Mowgli (my favorite book character as a child) says: “We are of the same blood, you and I”? And I know she’s lying! She’s dishonest with herself in every aspect of her life: her destiny, her work, her relationships, her beliefs.
Now I feel like I need to accept the situation and stay away to save my sanity and energy. I will continue to pray for her and wish her the best and hope that one day she will be enlightened and change her mind about me.

Thanks for your wisdom!
Darya

[Darya U]

Dear Heidi,

Thank you for uncovering things to me! I know being a surgeon is hard because it hurts your patients to help them survive, and being a therapist is a lot like being a surgeon of people’s souls.
I just thought, why can’t he forgive me? I didn’t hurt him the way his ex or his sister did. And I’m sure I gave him more love and care than any of them. I know no one in his life has given him this much attention, shown him this much importance, I don’t think he’s felt so loved and adored with anyone else! How can he put me in the same category as women who have only hurt him in his past? This’s so unfair!

Thank you for asking how I am today. Honestly, I am very upset, I miss him so much, I hold back tears all the time. And I am tired, so tired, I am exhausted. I saw him briefly at work in the hallway today, when he was talking to someone. We barely looked at each other. Before that, I was in a good mood, when I was meditating while walking and imagining a bright future in a happy relationship (I always do this now). And then I saw him and all my optimism evaporated. I know I should block my thoughts, but I can’t stop thinking about this man, he has become an obsession for me, almost unreal, living in my imagination 24/7. I am thinking about dating other guys soon. You say I should probably be alone for a while to calm down and heal. However, I have been alone for 8 months now and feeling alone doesn’t help much, even I see my Zumba friends and people at church. I try to be around people more, to help those who need help. However, I need someone to give me some positive emotions. For some reason, my son and my grandchildren are not enough for this. Am I a terrible mother and grandmother? Sometimes I feel like my son is upset that I do not move closer to them. I tried before but it is not easy to find a job for my status and I could not leave my beloved man… Now maybe it’s time I start looking for a job there again. I want to leave a place where no one cares about me. Here my heart was broken by my boyfriend and my sister.
I’m already 55 and I don’t want to waste the rest of my life in unhappiness. I don’t know how you built your inner circle and how long it took. I feel that my clock is ticking, and it makes me feel insecure and anxious.

Thanks again dear Heidi for your support and care!

[Darya U]

Hi Heidi!

Yesterday I made one last attempt to defend my boyfriend because I felt like I needed to exhaust all my arguments to be fair to him. And I’m glad I did because I needed it to move forward.
Today I think about how this man I loved to whom I opened and trusted my heart, who was my closest friend, is behaving like my worst enemy. He is harming my health, my well-being, he is jeopardizing my performance at work.
He didn’t even want to talk to me to come to any kind of closure! Does he care about my feelings, my health? NO. It’s hard to accept, but at this moment it is this man who is killing me, willingly or unwillingly, but it is a fact. However, it is only because I allowed him to do it, because I allowed myself to think about him and suffer from it. See? My survival instinct is kicking in! I don’t want to be mad at him, but I’m closing that door for my progress, healing and happiness!

I thank you so much again for being there for me! Let’s keep in touch!

[Darya U]

Hi Heidi,

Sorry for the delay in replying. I was thinking about what to say in return. There was a lot to digest and think about in what you said, and I didn’t want to be too wordy or too brief in my answer. I appreciate your openness and sincerity. It really helps build a strong connection and trust between us. However, I feel some internal resistance to fully agree with you. Because you have never met my boyfriend, and I have not given you all the details of our history that could justify him. He is not that simple! I can’t give up on him because I had a chance to know more about him, because I looked into his eyes looking at me, I felt his happiness when we were together, he confessed his intimate secrets to me. Let me reveal it below. Also, I will answer the questions you raised.

You: Men, in general, are defined by their ability to produce something. If you take away a man’s job, or his ability to make or produce something in this world, he will FALL APART.

I agree with that. That’s why my husband returned to Russia when he couldn’t find a job in the US. He didn’t feel worthy staying home or delivering newspapers. He was a high-class programmer, qualified IT specialist, and wanted to be a provider. When his ability to provide wasn’t realized, he became depressed. But being depressed wasn’t in his nature, he chose to act and returned to Russia to be a provider for us there. Frankly, there was an objective reason for that: because when our son got married at 16 and became a father, my income wasn’t enough to support all of us.

You: For women, we are defined by relationships – connection. We can lose our jobs and be okay, but take away our relationships and we fall apart.

This isn’t a real truth for me. I am probably very similar to a man, as I am a scientist. My work, my ambitions have always meant a lot to me, they were almost more of a priority than my family. For some reason, this has recently changed, and this is probably a big part of my relationship problems. When I was fascinated and passionate about my work, I had much lower expectations from my relationships, as it was not my top priority in life, I could tolerate or even ignore much more lacks from a man, it did not matter to me. When I became disappointed with my work, other aspects of life took on more weight and increased expectations. I began to expect and demand more from a man. The worst thing is that I can take out my frustrations at work on my partner! So my performance at work has a big impact on my relationship with him.

You: but your father also grew up in a different generation, so take that into account. His view WAS accurate not that long ago. Women stayed home and took care of the “provider” and everything he needed.

Here I have to make a small historical and cultural remark. Because I grew up in the Soviet Union, where the social status of women was different from what it was in the US in the last century. In the Soviet Union, women’s emancipation happened earlier. Even in the Russian Empire in the 19th century, many women worked as teachers, workers, nurses, etc. After the 1917 revolution, and especially after the formation of the USSR in 1922, everyone who reached adulthood had to work, including women. In the Soviet Union, you could go to prison for not working (as a parasite on society!). So, women were the “providers” there too. In the USSR, there was complete gender equality, at least by law. But, as you know, social mentality changes much more slowly than laws, and my father’s expectations were different from those contained in ideological statements. Ideology is one thing, and life is another. However, my generation was under a lot of ideological pressure, and I thought that I was absolutely equal and competitive with the guys. My opinion was reinforced by my obvious superiority over my male classmates, which my father also always emphasized. So for me, his expectations were a confusing mismatch.

You: And then he didn’t want to see the difference in the situation, he had already identified everything as a familiar situation and acted according to the pattern.

I think we have a little bit of a mix up here because I was talking about my boyfriend and not my Dad. What I meant was that after my boyfriend experienced his wife’s betrayal, he developed rules for how to deal with rejection and relationship failure. So when a problem arose in our relationship, he didn’t bother to analyze what and why it happened. Instead, he immediately classified it as a familiar situation and went into failure survival mode. Without even thinking! And that’s very frustrating! I think that when I told him (just in a state of emotional arousal) that from now on he would go his way and I would go mine, he immediately thought “I’m going to get rejected again” and took a preventive measure – he rejected me. I think he is very insecure and has always expected that I would leave him sooner or later. So he took my words as something expected and natural. Sometimes I think he expected me to chase him and apologize as proof of my love. But because I didn’t, he concluded that I didn’t love him enough.
Do I sound crazy? Sometimes I feel like I’m overthinking and over-reading things. That’s why I appreciate your sober assessment of my assumptions.

YOU: You have a hard time quitting, right? … actually learned that healthy people have a LOW pain tolerance.

It is true, I am very stubborn and it is hard for me to give up. It does not help me even in my work. Sometimes I do not want to admit and accept things that are obvious to others. You can call it stupidity or childishness.
I think I had a lot of energy in my youth, and I did not learn to save it and use it wisely. I could afford to spend it generously. And I wasted a lot of precious and irretrievable time! Low pain threshold. Yes! This is another name for the energy limit, the amount of energy a person is willing to spend on someone or something. I think it is both a conscious choice and a physical state of a person who has undergone a powerful mental transformation, when he does not want to waste his time on a doomed project. This is an instinct of self-preservation. Unfortunately, I am not always realistic about people and projects. Since my early childhood, I have always tried to understand each person, I could never pin a label on a person and be very categorical about it. I’m probably still too naive about the world, despite all my bitter experiences and disappointments. I lack the instinct of psychological self-preservation. It sounds like narcissism, but I’m being sincere.

YOU: I only let higher functioning people into my inner circle. Does this make sense?

That makes perfect sense! I hope I get there one day too! I always feel like God is prodding me to do exactly what you said, but I keep resisting and that’s why I get disappointed over and over again! I don’t want to grow up. I guess because for me it would be like losing a part of my nature that keeps me young and makes me wonder about the world. But this is again about an attenuated instinct of self-preservation. It must be nice and feels very secure to be surrounded by people you can rely on! Create your own reference group after filtering all your connections.

YOU: …my man no longer feels like my HERO! So in the end, him not feeling like your hero is NOT your responsibility.

I have to justify him.
When I told him I was upset that he didn’t ask me to move in, he tried to make it work, he wanted to live together, splitting our time between his place and mine. The problem is that we have different paces. He is very slooow. He takes teeny-tiny steps; I am a fast person. He probably thought we were slowly but surely moving in the right direction, but I was too impatient and pushy and ruined everything. He told me, “I will do whatever you want.”
But I did not want his favor, I expected that he himself would share my desire.
Sadly, I realized something else about him. I hate seeing any signs of slavery in people. When I saw how he allowed his children to neglect the memory of their deceased parents, when I saw them acknowledge their mother’s parents as their only grandparents, it drove me crazy. How could he allow that? They never remembered when his mother died! I had to remind them! And he never organized any kind of memorial when she died! What was that and why? Because it was a big expense? Or because he felt too small to demand attention to his mother’s memory because his ex and the kids always treated his parents like second-sort people? I hated seeing that in him, since it was so different in my family and every other family I know. I pointed it out to him and it probably made him feel bad and he didn’t like it. Definitely, not like a HERO. And I started comparing him and his sons with my husband and my son, and the result was obvious. And I told him this result. I know it was a big mistake, I should never do this. But I was sooo disappointed and I couldn’t help it.

YOU: you view someone who is in fear of it and running from it, ALSO as a path for learning and growing.

Yes, I know this is his path to learning and growing. He had a chance through me to learn to forgive, love and grow, but he gave up that chance. I can predict that in years to come he will reap what he has planted now, he will regret that he missed this chance. And he will probably have a very lonely old age, despite the fact that he has four children.

YOU: You will still be facing the same exact patterns from him because he hasn’t changed.

I still think that if we could talk and clear things up, if I could explain to him that I love him, that he is valuable to me, that he can trust me, we could repair our relationship and be good and happy partners. Couples counseling would be helpful if he agreed. But I didn’t have a chance to ask. After all, we were very happy together for a long time! But because I sabotaged my happiness with him, I probably made him feel like he wasn’t good enough for me, that I put my own path and goals above our relationship, and he was probably afraid that I might leave him for a more successful or wealthy man when I got bored with him. This is silly to think so but he probably did!

YOU: Joy and love and laughter and happiness become less accessible the more pain is held onto….as you are currently experiencing. That’s not what I want. I want freedom. I want to stay empowered. I want emotional soveriegnty….so I forgive

Yes, that is what I want to do. I want to forgive because I feel like I have lost a lot of my inner freedom and openness to people since my husband died. Of course, a big part of it was the pandemic that coincided with my grief for my husband. It affected many people, both mentally and physically. The world will never be the same after that. I experienced complete isolation, both physical and ideological, when I saw the barriers between myself and the people I used to trust, with whom I shared my thoughts. I was very disappointed. By the way, my boyfriend was my only support at that time and helped me get through that nightmare. I will never forget that! And the most disappointing is my identical twin sister, who lives only 30 minutes away from me, but does not want to communicate. She has a lot in common with my boyfriend. She was hurt by her ex-husband, who is still by her side as if nothing happened, although she constantly complains about him. She was born very gifted as an artist, musician and writer, but she never realized her talents and therefore she is very upset about life, about our deceased parents and cannot forgive them and about me, who, in her opinion, is more successful, although deserves less than her. She treated me very badly, but always makes me look like a terrible person, which helps her justify her bad attitude towards me. You know, people often portray someone they hurt in a bad light to feel better. She is a very mentally immature person and very defensive, she has a hard time forgiving and being grateful to anyone. All this breaks my heart… But I understand that someone in the relationship has to be wise and mature, and that person has to be me.

Sorry Heidi if I spilled too much on you. I really appreciate you being there for me! I was just trying to explain to you why I am so attached to my boyfriend and why I don’t want to give up on him. No one is a complete angel or devil, people are always a mixture. Everyone has their own truth, and you should always listen to both sides if you want to get a clear picture. And as they say, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Since he can’t speak for himself, I was trying to advocate for him. It may sound silly and sometimes counterintuitive, but I feel like I need to get all my points out there to free up the thoughts that have been running through my head all day.
Thanks so much again, I love your writing, your thoughts and your insights. Look forward to your next message!

[Darya U]

Dear Heidi,

First of all, I really, truly appreciate our conversations, your openness, your insights, and the fact that you share your thoughts and experiences with me! This is the first time in my life that a conversation with a therapist sounds not like a monologue from me, but like a dialogue, like communication with a wise, compassionate friend! I am very grateful to you for this!

In response to the first part of your post, I’m just wondering how James would answer my questions. I think his words would have been different. However, there is something that bothers me.

I like his theory too, although sometimes it puts all the responsibility for the relationship on the woman. It’s like the eternal dream of a man that a woman should be like a fairy, solving all the problems of a relationship with one wave of a magic wand. We should be smarter, wiser, easy to communicate with and always be very optimistic, creative and positive. As if all the depressive moods, anger and suffering are the prerogative of men. Our mission is to be light as a feather, to read a man’s mind and know all the secrets of how to comfort him. But, sorry! This is just an old-fashioned vision of the role of women in society! Yes, we, women, are more adaptive, more flexible and probably cope with stress better than men. But social pressure and stress these days are no less for a woman than for a man. Then why should we be iron ladies, sexy chicks and patient mentors at the same time, all in one? To be like a mother and a passionate lover for him at the same time? It seems that we should never relax, always control what and how to say, what and how to do or not to do. Put a man in the center of the Universe and revolve our whole life around him! I saw it in many men, including my own Dad who in many ways was a very progressive man. But when I heard him saying that a woman must have innate cunning, coquetry, charm, to smooth things over, to achieve her goals softly and easily, I froze in fear. I asked myself if I had these innate qualities, if I would become such a woman when I grew up? And I knew the answer was NO, because all the books I read taught me to be open, straightforward and honest. And I had no idea how this could be compatible with my father’s expectations of a good woman. And I loved my father to death and worshipped him.
I agree with everything you said about a person who is unable to forgive and does not want to analyze the problem, avoiding even trying to look at it closer. And I agree with using stress coping mechanisms. I think after my boyfriend went through this once with his ex, he developed rules and a strategy for how to deal with it and how to survive. So, when our relationship got complicated and he suspected that I might reject him and leave, he took the first preventive step to be the one who left, not the one who was rejected. And then he didn’t want to see the difference in the situation, he had already identified everything as a familiar situation and acted according to the pattern.
I was even jealous! Why am I never ready for something like this! Why don’t I have a pattern! I guess I’m so naive because I think everyone is unique, I always give a person a second and third chance. I can’t accept that someone can’t change, I think I just haven’t found the right approach to him.

I can’t believe I was so wrong about my dear man! I can’t admit it!

Regarding the role of “mother”…
I think I got too enthusiastic with expanding his horizons and trying to open his mind wider. At first, he seemed very excited and interested, but maybe over time he began to feel too much pressure and even developed some kind of inferiority complex. I agree with James on this: my man no longer feels like my HERO!
He told me that he thought I was smarter than him. But I wouldn’t say that. He is a very intelligent person with great potential, a heightened sense of beauty and a sensitive soul, with a subtle sense of humor. Instead, I would say that I am more spiritually developed, more mature and more educated. And I know how to forgive, although it is still not easy for me, and I believe in love. I believe that love is a blessing, and if we have received this gift from God, we cannot ignore it or neglect it or refuse it, it is a sin and a big mistake. So, I believed he had a chance to grow spiritually with me, to learn to open his heart and be a partner. To his credit, he sometimes acted like a partner. Unfortunately, my guilt towards my husband made me less open and trusting, because I had to hide my grief from his friends and children. I had this internal conflict, and he felt it too, and interpreted it as a lack of openness on my part towards him.
Now I feel almost guilt free, and I could be a much better partner for my man, I would show him my love and devotion, proving that he is my one and only. Thank you for your words of support and encouragement in my recovery!

I think I understand what you mean by saying that “the fear, the pain, the heartbreak they are holding onto – is stronger than their desire to be happy and get what they want.” It is driven by the desire of remaining within a comfort zone. I also think it has to do with imprinting earlier life experiences.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster right now: some days I feel like I’m ready to close this chapter of my life and believe that I’ll meet someone who’s just for me instead of trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change. Other days I miss my ex and think that we both needed this lesson (each of us differently) to be better partners for each other. I’m tired, it’s really energy draining. More and more often I think that I should redirect all the energy I spend trying to fix this relationship to my career, life goals and family. This relationship was toxic, and I have to admit that it failed. However, I am grateful to my ex-partner for this lesson, for his support during a very difficult time for me and for all the good things he did for me.
What do you think of Colin Tipping’s radical forgiveness? I love the concept, and I really think my boyfriend played a part in the lessons I had to learn, and I did mine for him. We performed this dance together and we should be grateful to each other for it.

I look forward to hearing from you, Heidi! God bless you!

Darya

[Darya U]

Hi Heidi,

I appreciate your analysis, your condolences about my husband, and your compliments. I agree with some of your points and disagree with others. But above all, I am a little confused. I came to this course because it sounded like an unconventional view on relationships, a guide on how to improve and even possibly restore relationships through an understanding of the deep and even hidden strings of a man’s psyche. However, it seems you are not a big fan of James’ theory. Your main message is to move on and not waste my time on this man and this relationship. Is this correct?

I understand that he was hurt by women when he was younger and lost trust in them. But shouldn’t I give him a chance to grow up and mature? Is he really that hopeless? The main problem was that he didn’t want to talk about his/our problems, which could help. And it was partly my fault, because I felt too vulnerable to hear him say unflattering things about his feelings for me, and I didn’t insist him to go all the way and clear things up.

For me, the irony is that redirecting my emotions to the pain of breaking up with my boyfriend almost healed my grief from losing my husband. Although I still miss him, of course, it doesn’t block my ability to love someone else. I think I’ve finally forgiven myself and am ready to allow myself to find happiness again.

I don’t think my ex-boyfriend was a stand in on some level to help me not feel so alone when your husband passed. Firstly, because our relationship started before my husband died, and he gave me something I couldn’t get in my marriage. He wasn’t just a replacement; he was a complement. For example, I love to dance, but my husband never danced, and my ex-boyfriend introduced me to a dance club. Or we rode bikes, went hiking, went camping, which was something I really missed in my marriage. And secondly, why do I still miss him, love him, and can’t get over him if he was just like crutches for me?

Although after 8 months of being alone in an active attempt to ease the pain and live my life, shifting my focus to my goals and directing my energy to my needs, I am finally starting to enjoy myself again. I have more and more moments free from pain and filled with gratitude for my freedom and self-sufficiency. At this point, I am not even sure that I need someone. I am afraid that a new relationship will limit my freedom, the time I want to spend on my goals and achievements, and my son and grandkids. I am not sure that I am ready to adjust to a relationship in the format of marriage or a stable partnership again. This is why I think I love my ex-boyfriend, because I could see us living together. But I do not see another man next to me, sharing my space and my time. I have no idea how this would work! Maybe this is just a natural phase of the healing process, and I need more time to reach the next level of openness to a new relationship?
What do you think?

Thank you!
Darya

[Darya U]

Sorry, there are actually all three emails that I copied and pasted from my Gmail history, I don’t want to confuse you with numbering if my emails.
Sincerely,
Darya

[Darya U]

Hello Heidi!

Thanks for your concern. I sent three emails last week in response to your post. For some reason your post came in Gmail, so I replied in Gmail as well. It seems like you haven’t seen my answers. Therefore I duplicate them here.

Email 1.

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your detailed response and wise advice! I really appreciate it!
It took me a while to piece together my story, and it still feels a bit disjointed to me. But I’m sending it to you as is so we can keep our conversation going.
It is a long story, and I hope the reading won’t make you too tired. But I decided to keep the details as I believe the details are very important. I hope you’ll excuse my wordiness.
I’ll answer your questions and comments to my first post in a separate email.

Sincerely,
Darya

P.S. This is my story below.

My job brought me to the US (I’m a research scientist) from a different country many years ago. I came with my son for two years, as I originally planned, and my husband didn’t come with us for such a short time as he didn’t want to lose his job there. But everything changed after our son got married at 16 and became a father. From that moment on I couldn’t leave the US. As a scientist I was lucky to always find a job here. The US became a new home for me, as well as for my son and for my four grandkids.

I was still married, albeit non officially separated (my husband stayed in my home country), and my husband and I remained close friends when I started dating my current ex-boyfriend here in the US. He was divorced, had 4 children in their early 20s. His ex cheated on him and initiated the divorce. It took him completely by surprise and hurt him deeply.

When we started our relationship, neither of us believed it had any long-term potential, we were just caught up in the attraction and couldn’t resist it. But the connection grew stronger and stronger, both emotionally and mentally.

At the time, he was living with his mother, as she was disabled, and he was taking care of her. Then his mother passed away, and a few months later my husband got very sick. He had been suffering from a chronic disease for years, but it had reached a crisis phase. I flew overseas to be with him and look after him in hospital while he recovered from surgery. He died in hospital three weeks later, literally in my arms. At the time, I knew that if he survived, I would be with him forever. But God decided otherwise, and I returned to the US. I think what I went through affected my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, as over time I began to miss my husband more and more, feel guilty, and began to sabotage my happiness with another man. I think he started to mirror me in the way I communicated with him nonverbally.

After his Mom’s death he provided a roof to his grown-up kids in turns and told me that his deep dream is to live alone. About a year and half ago he bought a house in a suburb, sold his city house and moved there. As he hoped, neither of his kids followed him. But… he didn’t offer to move in with me either. I let him know I was disappointed. In response, he offered to split our time between two places – his and mine. But I didn’t feel accomplished. It wasn’t a real partnership, because we didn’t share the budget, he didn’t help me with cleaning or washing dishes, although we lived at my place 5-6 days a week, and I mostly cooked. He was more like a guest. Now I understand that I became a “Giving pit” for him and that was a mistake.

I started to feel like I was losing my freedom to live the life I wanted, to do what I wanted, to have my own space. He stopped caring, never gave me flowers or gifts. I always went to his and his kids’ birthdays, and I always organized BD parties for him. But he never celebrated my birthdays with his kids, they never asked when my birthday was. None of them showed any interest in my life or the lives of my son and my grandchildren, as if I was a nobody, without roots, without history. I started to feel devalued and humiliated. I was a free woman, but my boyfriend continued to treat me as his secret woman. Later he said that I was the one hiding our relationship, he was just adjusting to me. It was probably true. But I was very attached to the memory of my husband, and the pain was too fresh to openly show my relationship with another man to people who met my husband or knew about him.

Last winter, I signed up for my next online program for personal growth and health improvement. I started eating separately from my boyfriend because he didn’t like my diet. I lost weight, but my man didn’t like it. He appreciates when a woman has a body. But my own opinion of myself was more important to me. The final straw was when he ignored my birthday, saying, “I can’t invite you anywhere because of your diet!” So one night I exploded and said that from now on I was living my life and he was living his. I called him “stingy,” and I meant both, financially and emotionally, because I felt like he didn’t want to contribute equally to our relationship. I didn’t want to leave him! I was emotionally unstable, probably due to hormonal changes caused by starting menopause and changes in my diet.

The next morning, I regretted it, although I didn’t show it to him, as I was still angry and proud. He packed up and left, abruptly cutting off all conversation with me. I tried to clarify his position, and he said he wanted to be alone for now. However, he began to avoid places where we might accidentally run into each other, since we work in the same building: certain stairs, elevators, or common areas. It seemed to me that he was determined to break up with me, although he did not have the courage to tell me the truth. Later, when I asked him what he had told his kids about us, he replied, “That we broke up.” That hurt me deeply.

After three months of silence and no communication, my grandkids came to visit (they live in a different state) and I invited him to dinner with them. I have to say that he introduced me to his children and friends, I attended all his family events like funerals or his son’s wedding, helped his children move, went to their graduations. He also introduced me to his new neighbors when he bought a new house and insisted that I go to their gatherings since I was his life partner. Also, he knew my son and all my grandkids and they knew him very well. All my friends and family knew him and were used to seeing us as a couple.

He accepted the invitation and we spent a wonderful evening together. Then he came several more times when I called him for help to fix my broken appliances or got a flat tire. Every time he responded and helped me. However, he refused to stay for dinner. He said that despite his passion and attraction towards me he also feels guilty before my husband (late regrets!) and that our relationship was a mistake and we have to be strong to suppress our feelings. Answering my question, what did he realize being away from me, he replied that his feelings are not strong enough to be willing to take responsibilities for our relationship. He assured me that there wasn’t another woman, it’s just easier for him to be on his own. I suggested we discuss our situation, to set new boundaries, to work out the rules which would suit both of us. He said “Maybe…” But that was it. He never returned to this conversation again.

I think the big factor in his decision was that one of his sons started working in our department office. He couldn’t stay away from the gossip about me and his dad. The guy has a big mouth and I think he could have provided a lot of details about our history to try to get the job while being on probation because he wanted to impress the people in the office who I know for a fact were gossiping about us. The last thing he wanted was to be the center of attention, especially scandal or gossip. I think he began to feel that his reputation might suffer from it. Now my ex-partner is not seen as a hero to the community whose opinions he cares about, and he probably blames me for it. From what I learned from James’s course, I realized that he does not feel worthy, decent, or successful in my eyes when his son disrespects him in my presence. That’s how his mother, my boyfriend’s ex-wife, and her parents treated my boyfriend to belittle and devalue him. I hated it when the guy tried to make fun of him and winked at me as if I was in cahoots with him.

Four months ago I started another course of getting back my ex. This course prohibited any communication with ex-partner for at least 30 days. Following this rule, I stopped any communication with my loved man. But before that, I sent him a “Thank you” letter, in which I first reminded him of all the wonderful qualities I appreciate in him and he in me, and thanked him for our unforgettable memories together. However, I continued, I acknowledge your right to be in the happiest place and I respect your decision. But I also acknowledge my right to be happy and to love and be loved in return. Therefore, I said, I don’t want to pursue you, and although I still love you, I am letting you go. I thanked him again for our fantastic time together and wished him all the best. He replied that he was impressed by my eloquence, wished me all the best and that he would never forget our time together. That was it…

I know I was unstable, I had poor control over my emotions and that pushed him away. But I have improved a lot since then, I am focused on my life, my achievements, my goals. I exercise, I focus on my work, I try to meet with friends, I go to church. I feel like I am getting back to my old self.

But… my heart still bleeds, I miss my dear wonderful soulmate, my man, my boyfriend. I tried to tell myself that it’s better to direct all the energy I spend trying to get him back to myself. It doesn’t work very well. I still can’t accept the fact that I lost him, that he let me go and that he doesn’t need me in his life. Although he used to tell me that we are so much alike! He called me a female version of himself!

My problem is that I am too proud or too insecure to ask more questions, to clarify all the ambiguities about his real feelings and his vision of the situation. I guess I am afraid to hear the truth, so I prefer to think everything out myself, guessing and assuming. And I always show a good face to others, never showing my real emotions outside the home. So I hide my real feelings from my ex-partner.

However, I wouldn’t like to talk to him now as it would mean that I took a first step again. He’s used to me always making the first move, that I get initiative and I want to see him as a man, him making this first move, showing me his interest and motivation. On the other hand, I am afraid that he thinks that I don’t care. I’m confused and lost.

I look forward to your thoughts on my situation. And I in turn will send my answers to your previous comments.

Thank you very much,

Darya

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Hi Heidi,

I will try to answer your question in the order you listed them.

Would you say that he felt valued by you?

I am not one of those who hesitate or feel shy about asking for help, I have no problem with it, and I always thank people even for the smallest help, I like to express my gratitude to others. And of course, I showed my appreciation and even admiration to my partner. I practically put him on a pedestal and praised him for every little thing or move. But on the other hand, I did not hide my disappointment in him or his actions, and this outweighed all the expressions of my appreciation. One day he said: “I can’t make you happy!” Yes, he wanted to make me happy, but in his own way, he did not care what I wanted, he did it his way and tried to convince me that it was okay, I should like it. Just like if someone took you to a store to buy you a dress, but then ignored your choice and bought what he thought was best for you. But he would buy himself what he chose. Would you appreciate it? This is just an example to clarify my point.

How about instead of “competing” with others for his time and attention, think instead “what can I do to INSPIRE him to want to spend more time with me.”
I understand that he has a big heart and generosity to help people, I am very similar to him in this. I am probably too sensitive and jealous, because for a long time before we started living together, I was not his number one person. At first, he took care of his mother and saw me only on Friday nights. Later, he didn’t stay with me on weekdays because he lived with his sons. I always felt like a “Friday girl”. I tried to understand him and his situation, I always made excuses for him and suppressed my disappointment. But on the other hand, even when everything changed and we started living together, I probably still did not forgive him for his neglect in the past and was too sensitive to any signs of his inattention. Besides, for my husband, I have always been the one and only woman and expected the same attitude from my boyfriend.

He truly may not have had any idea of what he was doing and how it made you feel. Did you ever discuss this with him? If yes, what was his response?

Oh, he definitely had no clue until I told him. For example, when we had lunch in his office, he never locked the door or put a “Back After Lunch” sign on it. So people were constantly bothering us. Plus, they would give me curious looks that made me feel uncomfortable. He was in his kingdom and looked like a macho man who had a woman come to him with lunch and he let her be there. On the contrary, he never came to my lab to invite me to lunch or anything. Instead, he acted like we barely knew each other. He didn’t demonstrate that he CHOSE me to be HIS woman in the place where he values his reputation the most! Later, he said that he did it because I wanted to hide our connection. Well, I have never told him that itv was my wish. Nevertheless, he started to lock the door and put up a sign after I told him.

I’m guessing, your core need here is that you were wanting to feel more connected with him, yes? no?

I think my answer above partially answers your question. Would I like to feel more connected to him? Sure! And also, I hate lies, I don’t want to be a secret woman for anyone. I want my man to be proud that I chose him, and he chose me, and we have nothing to hide, but on the contrary, to show the whole world that we are a couple. I would like him to claim: This is my woman, I love and respect her and I demand the same respect for her from anyone else! But I never got that from him. It was as if he was ashamed of me in front of the people from our Department!

Do you WANT him to be a provider for you?

I am a self-sufficient and very independent woman. So while it would be nice to have a partner who would support me and who I could rely on, that is not the first thing I need from a man at the moment. According to James Bauer, being a provider is one of three components of the male hero instinct. (1) the desire for significant achievements, 2) the desire to be a provider, and 3) the desire to earn respect). As far as I understand, all three components are important in triggering the male hero instinct. Am I wrong? It seems he is trying to avoid this role :-).

I look forward to your thoughts!

Best,
Darya

Email 2.
On Fri, Nov 29, 2024 at 2:47 PM BeIrresistible Members Home <[email protected]> wrote:
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Hi Heidi,

I would like to add some additional details to my story that I missed when I sent it to you. When I tried to talk to my boyfriend to clarify his position on our relationship, he said that he doesn’t need ANYONE, he is very self-sufficient and likes to be on his own. Also, he doesn’t know what LOVE is, as he has NEVER experienced it in his life.
I don’t believe this is true. He doesn’t seem so heartless and unfeeling.He is emotionally immature, but not insensitive. His experience with women is extremely negative, as his older sister treated him badly when they were kids, and he is still angry at her for it, even though she died years ago! He still hasn’t forgiven her!! I can’t understand it! Also, his ex betrayed him and basically robbed him. So he has many reasons not to trust women. But how can he not see that I am different? His attitude is that all women are the same! It is very offensive to me.

Best,

Darya
Show quoted text

[Darya U]

Hello, this is Darya again!
And there is my second question below:
2) Another component of the male hero instinct is his desire to be a provider.
However, his grownup kids are still sucking money out of him, and he pays alimony to his ex, even though she betrayed him, had an affair and kicked him out of the family nest, deprived him of a home and family, the comfort and trust of a partnership and love. How can I make him want to be a provider for me, when he already has so many other people lined up who demand his support? And he feels obligated to serve them first. How can I ask for this when he is trying to avoid taking any responsibility for me?

Thank you in advance,

Darya

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