[Darya U]

Sorry, there are actually all three emails that I copied and pasted from my Gmail history, I don’t want to confuse you with numbering if my emails.
Sincerely,
Darya

[Darya U]

Hello Heidi!

Thanks for your concern. I sent three emails last week in response to your post. For some reason your post came in Gmail, so I replied in Gmail as well. It seems like you haven’t seen my answers. Therefore I duplicate them here.

Email 1.

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your detailed response and wise advice! I really appreciate it!
It took me a while to piece together my story, and it still feels a bit disjointed to me. But I’m sending it to you as is so we can keep our conversation going.
It is a long story, and I hope the reading won’t make you too tired. But I decided to keep the details as I believe the details are very important. I hope you’ll excuse my wordiness.
I’ll answer your questions and comments to my first post in a separate email.

Sincerely,
Darya

P.S. This is my story below.

My job brought me to the US (I’m a research scientist) from a different country many years ago. I came with my son for two years, as I originally planned, and my husband didn’t come with us for such a short time as he didn’t want to lose his job there. But everything changed after our son got married at 16 and became a father. From that moment on I couldn’t leave the US. As a scientist I was lucky to always find a job here. The US became a new home for me, as well as for my son and for my four grandkids.

I was still married, albeit non officially separated (my husband stayed in my home country), and my husband and I remained close friends when I started dating my current ex-boyfriend here in the US. He was divorced, had 4 children in their early 20s. His ex cheated on him and initiated the divorce. It took him completely by surprise and hurt him deeply.

When we started our relationship, neither of us believed it had any long-term potential, we were just caught up in the attraction and couldn’t resist it. But the connection grew stronger and stronger, both emotionally and mentally.

At the time, he was living with his mother, as she was disabled, and he was taking care of her. Then his mother passed away, and a few months later my husband got very sick. He had been suffering from a chronic disease for years, but it had reached a crisis phase. I flew overseas to be with him and look after him in hospital while he recovered from surgery. He died in hospital three weeks later, literally in my arms. At the time, I knew that if he survived, I would be with him forever. But God decided otherwise, and I returned to the US. I think what I went through affected my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, as over time I began to miss my husband more and more, feel guilty, and began to sabotage my happiness with another man. I think he started to mirror me in the way I communicated with him nonverbally.

After his Mom’s death he provided a roof to his grown-up kids in turns and told me that his deep dream is to live alone. About a year and half ago he bought a house in a suburb, sold his city house and moved there. As he hoped, neither of his kids followed him. But… he didn’t offer to move in with me either. I let him know I was disappointed. In response, he offered to split our time between two places – his and mine. But I didn’t feel accomplished. It wasn’t a real partnership, because we didn’t share the budget, he didn’t help me with cleaning or washing dishes, although we lived at my place 5-6 days a week, and I mostly cooked. He was more like a guest. Now I understand that I became a “Giving pit” for him and that was a mistake.

I started to feel like I was losing my freedom to live the life I wanted, to do what I wanted, to have my own space. He stopped caring, never gave me flowers or gifts. I always went to his and his kids’ birthdays, and I always organized BD parties for him. But he never celebrated my birthdays with his kids, they never asked when my birthday was. None of them showed any interest in my life or the lives of my son and my grandchildren, as if I was a nobody, without roots, without history. I started to feel devalued and humiliated. I was a free woman, but my boyfriend continued to treat me as his secret woman. Later he said that I was the one hiding our relationship, he was just adjusting to me. It was probably true. But I was very attached to the memory of my husband, and the pain was too fresh to openly show my relationship with another man to people who met my husband or knew about him.

Last winter, I signed up for my next online program for personal growth and health improvement. I started eating separately from my boyfriend because he didn’t like my diet. I lost weight, but my man didn’t like it. He appreciates when a woman has a body. But my own opinion of myself was more important to me. The final straw was when he ignored my birthday, saying, “I can’t invite you anywhere because of your diet!” So one night I exploded and said that from now on I was living my life and he was living his. I called him “stingy,” and I meant both, financially and emotionally, because I felt like he didn’t want to contribute equally to our relationship. I didn’t want to leave him! I was emotionally unstable, probably due to hormonal changes caused by starting menopause and changes in my diet.

The next morning, I regretted it, although I didn’t show it to him, as I was still angry and proud. He packed up and left, abruptly cutting off all conversation with me. I tried to clarify his position, and he said he wanted to be alone for now. However, he began to avoid places where we might accidentally run into each other, since we work in the same building: certain stairs, elevators, or common areas. It seemed to me that he was determined to break up with me, although he did not have the courage to tell me the truth. Later, when I asked him what he had told his kids about us, he replied, “That we broke up.” That hurt me deeply.

After three months of silence and no communication, my grandkids came to visit (they live in a different state) and I invited him to dinner with them. I have to say that he introduced me to his children and friends, I attended all his family events like funerals or his son’s wedding, helped his children move, went to their graduations. He also introduced me to his new neighbors when he bought a new house and insisted that I go to their gatherings since I was his life partner. Also, he knew my son and all my grandkids and they knew him very well. All my friends and family knew him and were used to seeing us as a couple.

He accepted the invitation and we spent a wonderful evening together. Then he came several more times when I called him for help to fix my broken appliances or got a flat tire. Every time he responded and helped me. However, he refused to stay for dinner. He said that despite his passion and attraction towards me he also feels guilty before my husband (late regrets!) and that our relationship was a mistake and we have to be strong to suppress our feelings. Answering my question, what did he realize being away from me, he replied that his feelings are not strong enough to be willing to take responsibilities for our relationship. He assured me that there wasn’t another woman, it’s just easier for him to be on his own. I suggested we discuss our situation, to set new boundaries, to work out the rules which would suit both of us. He said “Maybe…” But that was it. He never returned to this conversation again.

I think the big factor in his decision was that one of his sons started working in our department office. He couldn’t stay away from the gossip about me and his dad. The guy has a big mouth and I think he could have provided a lot of details about our history to try to get the job while being on probation because he wanted to impress the people in the office who I know for a fact were gossiping about us. The last thing he wanted was to be the center of attention, especially scandal or gossip. I think he began to feel that his reputation might suffer from it. Now my ex-partner is not seen as a hero to the community whose opinions he cares about, and he probably blames me for it. From what I learned from James’s course, I realized that he does not feel worthy, decent, or successful in my eyes when his son disrespects him in my presence. That’s how his mother, my boyfriend’s ex-wife, and her parents treated my boyfriend to belittle and devalue him. I hated it when the guy tried to make fun of him and winked at me as if I was in cahoots with him.

Four months ago I started another course of getting back my ex. This course prohibited any communication with ex-partner for at least 30 days. Following this rule, I stopped any communication with my loved man. But before that, I sent him a “Thank you” letter, in which I first reminded him of all the wonderful qualities I appreciate in him and he in me, and thanked him for our unforgettable memories together. However, I continued, I acknowledge your right to be in the happiest place and I respect your decision. But I also acknowledge my right to be happy and to love and be loved in return. Therefore, I said, I don’t want to pursue you, and although I still love you, I am letting you go. I thanked him again for our fantastic time together and wished him all the best. He replied that he was impressed by my eloquence, wished me all the best and that he would never forget our time together. That was it…

I know I was unstable, I had poor control over my emotions and that pushed him away. But I have improved a lot since then, I am focused on my life, my achievements, my goals. I exercise, I focus on my work, I try to meet with friends, I go to church. I feel like I am getting back to my old self.

But… my heart still bleeds, I miss my dear wonderful soulmate, my man, my boyfriend. I tried to tell myself that it’s better to direct all the energy I spend trying to get him back to myself. It doesn’t work very well. I still can’t accept the fact that I lost him, that he let me go and that he doesn’t need me in his life. Although he used to tell me that we are so much alike! He called me a female version of himself!

My problem is that I am too proud or too insecure to ask more questions, to clarify all the ambiguities about his real feelings and his vision of the situation. I guess I am afraid to hear the truth, so I prefer to think everything out myself, guessing and assuming. And I always show a good face to others, never showing my real emotions outside the home. So I hide my real feelings from my ex-partner.

However, I wouldn’t like to talk to him now as it would mean that I took a first step again. He’s used to me always making the first move, that I get initiative and I want to see him as a man, him making this first move, showing me his interest and motivation. On the other hand, I am afraid that he thinks that I don’t care. I’m confused and lost.

I look forward to your thoughts on my situation. And I in turn will send my answers to your previous comments.

Thank you very much,

Darya

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Hi Heidi,

I will try to answer your question in the order you listed them.

Would you say that he felt valued by you?

I am not one of those who hesitate or feel shy about asking for help, I have no problem with it, and I always thank people even for the smallest help, I like to express my gratitude to others. And of course, I showed my appreciation and even admiration to my partner. I practically put him on a pedestal and praised him for every little thing or move. But on the other hand, I did not hide my disappointment in him or his actions, and this outweighed all the expressions of my appreciation. One day he said: “I can’t make you happy!” Yes, he wanted to make me happy, but in his own way, he did not care what I wanted, he did it his way and tried to convince me that it was okay, I should like it. Just like if someone took you to a store to buy you a dress, but then ignored your choice and bought what he thought was best for you. But he would buy himself what he chose. Would you appreciate it? This is just an example to clarify my point.

How about instead of “competing” with others for his time and attention, think instead “what can I do to INSPIRE him to want to spend more time with me.”
I understand that he has a big heart and generosity to help people, I am very similar to him in this. I am probably too sensitive and jealous, because for a long time before we started living together, I was not his number one person. At first, he took care of his mother and saw me only on Friday nights. Later, he didn’t stay with me on weekdays because he lived with his sons. I always felt like a “Friday girl”. I tried to understand him and his situation, I always made excuses for him and suppressed my disappointment. But on the other hand, even when everything changed and we started living together, I probably still did not forgive him for his neglect in the past and was too sensitive to any signs of his inattention. Besides, for my husband, I have always been the one and only woman and expected the same attitude from my boyfriend.

He truly may not have had any idea of what he was doing and how it made you feel. Did you ever discuss this with him? If yes, what was his response?

Oh, he definitely had no clue until I told him. For example, when we had lunch in his office, he never locked the door or put a “Back After Lunch” sign on it. So people were constantly bothering us. Plus, they would give me curious looks that made me feel uncomfortable. He was in his kingdom and looked like a macho man who had a woman come to him with lunch and he let her be there. On the contrary, he never came to my lab to invite me to lunch or anything. Instead, he acted like we barely knew each other. He didn’t demonstrate that he CHOSE me to be HIS woman in the place where he values his reputation the most! Later, he said that he did it because I wanted to hide our connection. Well, I have never told him that itv was my wish. Nevertheless, he started to lock the door and put up a sign after I told him.

I’m guessing, your core need here is that you were wanting to feel more connected with him, yes? no?

I think my answer above partially answers your question. Would I like to feel more connected to him? Sure! And also, I hate lies, I don’t want to be a secret woman for anyone. I want my man to be proud that I chose him, and he chose me, and we have nothing to hide, but on the contrary, to show the whole world that we are a couple. I would like him to claim: This is my woman, I love and respect her and I demand the same respect for her from anyone else! But I never got that from him. It was as if he was ashamed of me in front of the people from our Department!

Do you WANT him to be a provider for you?

I am a self-sufficient and very independent woman. So while it would be nice to have a partner who would support me and who I could rely on, that is not the first thing I need from a man at the moment. According to James Bauer, being a provider is one of three components of the male hero instinct. (1) the desire for significant achievements, 2) the desire to be a provider, and 3) the desire to earn respect). As far as I understand, all three components are important in triggering the male hero instinct. Am I wrong? It seems he is trying to avoid this role :-).

I look forward to your thoughts!

Best,
Darya

Email 2.
On Fri, Nov 29, 2024 at 2:47 PM BeIrresistible Members Home <[email protected]> wrote:
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Hi Heidi,

I would like to add some additional details to my story that I missed when I sent it to you. When I tried to talk to my boyfriend to clarify his position on our relationship, he said that he doesn’t need ANYONE, he is very self-sufficient and likes to be on his own. Also, he doesn’t know what LOVE is, as he has NEVER experienced it in his life.
I don’t believe this is true. He doesn’t seem so heartless and unfeeling.He is emotionally immature, but not insensitive. His experience with women is extremely negative, as his older sister treated him badly when they were kids, and he is still angry at her for it, even though she died years ago! He still hasn’t forgiven her!! I can’t understand it! Also, his ex betrayed him and basically robbed him. So he has many reasons not to trust women. But how can he not see that I am different? His attitude is that all women are the same! It is very offensive to me.

Best,

Darya
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[Darya U]

Hello, this is Darya again!
And there is my second question below:
2) Another component of the male hero instinct is his desire to be a provider.
However, his grownup kids are still sucking money out of him, and he pays alimony to his ex, even though she betrayed him, had an affair and kicked him out of the family nest, deprived him of a home and family, the comfort and trust of a partnership and love. How can I make him want to be a provider for me, when he already has so many other people lined up who demand his support? And he feels obligated to serve them first. How can I ask for this when he is trying to avoid taking any responsibility for me?

Thank you in advance,

Darya

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