[Karen D]

I feel it was not her cross to bare..That being said, what’s done is done and I accept what is with this particular incident.

I understand I need to work on my self-esteem. It’s coming, I’m understanding..Now let me express something here.

“The hard part about being in a relationship with someone who has co-dependent tendencies, is you actually never know who that person truly is. You hardly know their needs and feelings and thoughts, because they are so concerned about yours. So it’s like being in relationship with an invisible person….you know they are there, but you actually know nothing about them, except that they are happiest when you are happiest.”

Can you clarify who is the co-dependent? Because it seems as though you are making him the co-dependent when in fact it’s me..It’s been me all along according to the description of a co-dependent that I looked up. I am the one waving my red flag to him where he has been the consistent one this whole time. He has not waivered on who he thinks he is. His self-esteem is higher than you think which is why I think I have had such a hard time getting you to understand what I am wanting here. My problem has been communication in general and NOT overthinking. Looking up the definition has enlightened me even more. I’m not saying we haven’t touched on some really important things here but I do think the focus has been off. I know in our conversations you have probably in a very round about way told me all of this. I am pretty basic overall. I need straight forward, matter of fact, direct information. From there , let me ask questions.

I took into consideration what you had said previously about letting him know how it made me feel when he doesn’t respond. I had sent him a text yesterday morning asking him if he would be able to help me out on a personal project. He usually sends me a text at some point within a few hours depending on what he is busy with. Over 24 hrs later and he still had not even opened the text. So I sent him a carefully worded text. “I know I’m a good person and someone who’s been there for you..I think I deserve a little better from you..It’s hurtful when you’re there and then not..We agreed communication was important no matter the relationship so help me understand what’s going on when you disappear..It’s really important to me.” He responded back rather quickly to that explaining everything he has been doing.

My gut said that he was most likely busy..He has told me that he has nothing to hide and he is straight forward. I let doubt creep in and what I need is to learn to keep doubt out. I am beginning to realize I understand him even better than I thought I did. He really has never given me any reason to doubt him. It’s me…I don’t trust me and maybe that is what you have been getting me to figure out on my own..I need to know what’s broke and how to fix it..I am not by any means saying he doesn’t have issues he needs to deal with..I think the focus needs to be on me and how to put this insecure little girl to rest..Yes..I’m mad right now at myself. It didn’t feel right sending him that text but I did..

Fearful was the wrong term for me to use..It actually shouldn’t have even been used. We are not in a committed relationship so there isn’t an issue there.

Not ready to dive that deep yet. I just really want to get my communication skills up to par so to speak.

[Karen D]

Very much appreciated…

What Kind of Mom…To go deeper into what I was feeling about myself.I felt ashamed because I gave up a fight for my child..I knew deep down in my heart she was doing this so it would cancel out child support and she wouldn’t have to listen to her father bad mouth me. I fully resisted when it was brought up during the summer..She was one month into school with all the electives she wanted and then boom…She drops the bomb on me that SHE wants this..My gut says she gave in to keep the peace and after so many years of constant battles with her father, I just had to let go and let God at that point.. She came back to me at the end of the school year because her father was going to be moving to KY and she did not want to go there. He even tried convincing my younger daughter but she also said no. I did not bother going after child support for my youngest since he was moving away. I have had conversations with my oldest about that time and to this day she still says it was her choice and she wasn’t influenced. She just started seeing a therapist herself and is actually doing online courses to get her psychology degree. She is married with 2 kids and lives about and hour and 20 away from me. My youngest moved in with her to help with the kids and try a new start in a different area. She is single. If they could just get their stuff together then she could take her dog back so I don’t have that to deal with as well. I like the dog but like grandchildren , should go home after the visit Lol! My exes first 2 kids also live sort of near by. His oldest has always had a good connection with me , way more than she does with her mother and more than she ever did with her father. His second daughter actually calls me mom and doesn’t ever really talk to her mother. All their kids call me Grandma. (there is only 11 years between me and his oldest) I know I am a good mom and doing the best I can with what I have. I missed their childhood with all the fighting and battles. I tried so hard to make everything easier for everyone else and all it did was backfire. I didn’t want to be like his ex who used the kids for leverage. I saw what it did to his first 2. They both feel orphaned by their parents. I saw all the bad that was before me and didn’t want that to be me. I went against my attorney who really wanted to stick it to him but I wouldn’t let him because It would have made it harder in my eyes or caused even more trauma to the girls. Yes this would be the peacemaker in me giving up parts of me to do my best to keep the peace no matter my cost.
I didn’t feel anything at all towards him when he died. For my kids, yes. I had all their pain in my heart, but for him I had neither joy or sorrow..For me…I felt free..Burden lifted..At least this was my immediate feelings..Things have come out about him and other stuff that happened with the step-family..Things that make me sick to my stomach and so regretful that I didn’t let him have it..I’ll get into that eventually..I don’t want to release thing 1 and thing 2 just yet…More of how I see me as a bad mom? I turned a blind eye without even realizing it..I didn’t know the correct observation of the situation..It comes down to I judge myself far more than anyone else probably ever would. I have even told this guy this same thing. I panicked after his first visit to my house because I didn’t know his judgement on how it was presented. It made for a very awkward conversation but my mind was just going a hundred miles and hour with worry that it wasn’t clean enough , to much clutter etc..This fear was implanted in me by my SO. He would use my cleaning skills against me when I would confront him about his drinking..When he was sober, he was the kindest most appreciative guy..But the moment he would start to drink, he wouldn’t stop and he just got uglier..

I’m going to do my best to get this to come across the right way..My understanding him is for my personal benefit..If I understand why he is doing something in a certain manor, I can change my expectation with my interactions with him..When I apologized to him, that was me recognizing that I should have changed my behavior by recognizing his behavior..I hope that make sense? My thoughts when he ghosts are that , he isn’t wanting to connect right now for what ever reason.. I think the only fearful thought I ever have and somehow need to bring it up to him so that he will actually answer me on it , is, Did he find another love interest? I say this because he has told me that he won’t talk to or entertain the thought of another woman when he is in a relationship. I want to respect that boundary but also want the respect of being told if that should occur..I can see from your observations that he has a hard time trusting women in particular and recognize this may be one of his coping mechanisms and It really doesn’t matter who I am.

This leads into strength…Strength to me would be being confident in myself to say what needs saying in a calm and constructive manor. He must have been reflecting on my text messages to him the last week and actually sent me a text at 1 AM. I was awake but I didn’t reply right away. He said: ” You are a good person.Just keep that in mind.(thumbs up) I’m tuff as nails that will never change..Lol (thumbs up) I’m me (thumbs up) I just sent him a simple thanks and that I’m learning I am tougher than I thought but have a little ways to go. I have a big heart and that won’t change..

So maybe I need a recycle dumpster instead, Lol. Some trash does need to be let go but I can see turning a negative into a positive. Some of those worst moments need to be buried or brought to the surface and then burned at the stake…I will get to them soon enough here but then I need to know how to get past them never to be surfaced again…I know it’s not a one and done thing but I’m still here so there’s that…

Karen

[Karen D]

Thank you Heidi! I am so glad you keep adjusting in ways that I can understand better. It’s very helpful. I will work on your communication question over the next couple of days. That will take a little more deep diving into myself..Peacemaker is very fitting. I was always the little peacemaker growing up. Funny story but also reflection of it makes sense as to why I struggle with voicing my opinions/concerns.

I was probably about 7 or 8 yrs old and got into some sort of conflict with my siblings. I can’t exactly remember which one or what it was about. Just that I was so mad I refused to talk. My parents were out for the evening and when they got back I was cross armed and eyebrows together and wouldn’t talk, lol. I wrote a note as to why I was mad and handed it to my mom. I think it’s one way of holding control of my emotions. If I would have expressed with words how I felt or what happened, I would have been doing it through watered down eyes and a cracking voice. I have not allowed this guy to see me cry yet. I came close in one of our face to face conversations. I couldn’t even look at him. I did the same thing to my SO when my mom was on her death bed. All he wanted to do was comfort me and I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want to break down. Breaking down would have been accepting that she was soon going to be gone. He resented me for that for a long time. The story I was telling this guy that almost let me give in was the day I signed over custody of my oldest daughter to her father. I hate reliving these parts of my life but I know it’s important for you to understand. I told you court battles were horrible. This was her senior yr of school. I had won the previous year in getting child support. Our divorce was final in 2002 and her Sr year was 2012-2013. I was dealing with my mom and her health issues and that August my SO was diagnosed with his first type of cancer as well. Dealing with a child who was voicing herself to me and is a peacemaker just like me with a different approach, I couldn’t take anymore and gave into her father. I had two other adults in my life fighting for their lives and he took full advantage. Thankfully my youngest didn’t want to change schools. I felt ashamed to tell this guy this information. What kind of mom would he see me as? That’s why I couldn’t look at him or barely even finish the story. He has 3 girls of his own..I know ..I fast forwarded through a lot with my ex. You don’t even know half of it and some things that I learned just a couple of months ago ..

Everything about the ghosting makes complete sense.

I don’t want to see where I went wrong because I don’t believe I did anything wrong.I just wanted to understand why he ghosts and I think you have addressed that pretty well. It’s definitely making more sense. I am trying to understand him, how he works and such. I can see that when he tells me he can go long periods of not talking to his mom or sister, I understand why. I understand that if he is ever going to get a grip on his coping mechanisms then he is going to have to face his past. He says he made peace with his dad before he passed but I don’t think he has and neither does his sister. I guess I am wanting this understanding and knowledge of communication so that going forward I will know how to be the best support I can. Understanding who I am is helpful in my growth. If I am strong then I can be strong for others.

I suppress my pain.Tuck it in the depths where nobody can see it unless they start poking around.Pain to me is that baggage I need to dig out and throw in that dumpster..As of late, I’m thinking I need a bigger dumpster. Shortly after our initial conversation, he called me up and asked if I wanted to go in on a dumpster rental with him and his mom. I agreed and we put it up at his place as it was a neutral location between our houses. This is where I got to meet his mom for the first time and his sister. This is also when 2 days before the dumpster arrived, I ended up with a pinched sciatic nerve. It slowed me way down from getting rid of as much as I wanted to. He did lend me his trailer for hauling stuff. Just a funny little story about dumpsters is all.

I was at my daughters for a festival near her house. I was texting with him and it was over an hour away. So I let him know I was heading home. He sent back: “Be safe. LMK if you need a hand..I’m home..You’re tuff I see that 100%”. That was the one he he directly aknowledged my strength in anyway.

I’m sticking it ut and seem to always get more each time we exchanged thoughts.
Thank you,
Karen

[Karen D]

Maybe it’s my overthinking that fears I would be picking a meaningless fight by bringing my feelings up to him. I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to always put the right words together to get out what my intended meanings are. That’s why I shared the letter with you and my other friend. He knows I am talking with someone for personal advice. I am cautiously trying to change the way I word things with him and be more aware of how it may be coming off to him.

I haven’t been trying to make daily contact and am giving him the space I said I would.I did send him a text the other night asking if he thought I was spineless or to needy. He didn’t message me until morning but not with what I was expecting. He started off with a good morning and just shared with me the election results which were were on the same page about. I did a quick good morning back with aknowledgement. I thought maybe it was a lead in to answer my question but he didn’t send anything else back. I waited a while and sent another. I’ll just share what I wrote: This coach I’m working with doesn’t think I stand up for myself enough..She’s made some really good points..This spineless thing really bothers me though..Hell my nickname in high-school was Spaz..I didn’t want to live flying off the handle and not understanding the whole situation..That’s called growth and maturity..Trying to stick it out with her because I need to hear the hard truths..I need honesty or I can’t grow.. His response was: Stand and don’t take bullshit..Lol I don’t deal with any of it anymore..Lol I’m one that if you F**k with me and you will find out quickly..Lol

I do have a project I would like his help on and need to see if it’s something he would be able to even help me with. He does welding and I want to see if he can help me design and build a frame for a card box for my niece’s wedding in January. I’ve built 3 other boxes for other niece and 2 nephews. This particular niece is having a formal wedding though and I need to elevate the design. I think adding metal would do that.

By tolerating, what I do is assess if it’s worth a potential argument or not This is where if I had the knowledge to change the way in which I ask what I am wanting to ask, It could have a better outcome and maybe get some answers. I draw blanks and get overwhelmed with connection. It’s why I prefer to type/write things out. Then I can read it more than once to understand better. I guess where I am really confused with him is when he stopped being so open with me. I realize he may also be having a hard time putting into words what he wants to say and therefore ghosting is a much easier thing for him to do. How do I convey this frustration?

Ok so now I’m really confused..I went back through my text messages with him..When he first started texting me, he referred to her as his ex..That he was still friends with her and helped by giving her rides because she doesn’t have a car or her DL. That was at the beginning of June. We talked off and on throughout the summer quite a bit all on just a friend scale..Then in September is when I gave him the poem after some conversations that had him feeling down.This is about when he told me his wall with women was high. A couple days later he sent me a message: Hi Karen..Sorry if I been not myself lately..Nothing towards you…Thanks for being there as a friend..I just need to clear my head of a lot of shit..I’ve been to nice to others that don’t appreciate things etc. I spent so much time just spinning my wheels and not going anywhere..I will find my peace etc. sometime. My response back to him was: I get it. Glad I can help. I enjoyed conversation last night and meeting your buddy. Seems like a pretty cool guy. Just an observation, seeing how you went from a long-term relationship, to another in such a short time, you need to give yourself space. Just give yourself time to breathe and be good with who you are. P.S. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me..I’m here..If you need to vent or need another perspective on something..don’t hesitate to reach out to me..

It wasn’t until he texted me about the actual break up that I found out he had been still with her all summer.Somehow this didn’t make me angry at all with him..I’m thinking that I need a sit down with him at some point and we really need to dive into what has happened over the past year..Yes in a sense I can see he has been stringing me along and maybe his intentions were purely just being able to connect on some level with a female. He was getting one thing from me and another with her and the more I treated him with respect, the less he was connected to her? Does he feel guilty about our connection? I’m just throwing out random thoughts as they pop in my head and hopefully you can make sense of them..

UGH…So many things I think are starting to make sense..I texted with him that weekend..He was up at his buddy’s place and it was another night of texting just fun stuff. I took myself out to dinner that night. I also had a project for a customer that he was helping with. I dropped the part off on Sunday and he had it finished on Monday. I went to get it and his buddy was there. His buddy invited me to go to up to his place for dinner, he was going to do a cookout. I was nervous about it and also didn’t know if my guy wanted me going to his friends house with them..Remember his wall was high..So I took a raincheck on the deal..I am now also realizing this is when communication took a dive until the actual blow up just a couple weeks later..After that we were talking every day for the most part the whole month of October.The second time he stopped in he only stayed a couple hours before heading home. Texted when he got home and apologized for not being very talkative. Said a lot on his mind but did not elaborate. I really felt something off with him the last time he came to my house.. He didn’t even turn to look at me when he left but he also had been here for over 4 hours. We did still have lots of conversations after that but I think he started putting up a wall with me. Please excuse the the scatter of my brain but I really want to make sense of what has happened between us this past year to now.

The friend “Level” : worthy of hanging out with, just someone to talk to now and then, customer friend etc. Like where do I fit in all that, what are my boundaries? I don’t want to be a one sided friend where if I need to vent or express to him that he doesn’t return the favor. I am who I am, I feel every person is important and will often times put my needs aside to help others. I’ve been working on that and setting my own boundaries and only doing/helping where I choose to.

[Karen D]

Ok then… I think I need to tell you a little more about my first marriage. I met him just out of highschool. He had a horse and used to ride back the road towards my house. My best friend lived in the housing plan across from him..She became his babysitter over the summer when his girls were visiting. I had my own fulltime nanny position..I got to know him and also started babysitting for him..He had all the right moves for a nieve Teenager (18) We started dating and in 4 months he asked me to marry him. I knew him about a year at this point. Right off the bat I had to learn to deal with an ex wife and court systems. My parents made me wait a year before we could get married. Three days before the wedding we went to upstate NY to get his girls, we were in PA. His ex refused to let them come eventhough they were supposed to be in the wedding. She was witholding because of child support. She hid the girls on an island in the middle of the St. Lawrence river which happened to be Indian reservation owned and on the Canadian side. We rented a boat to go to the island where he and his ex ended up in a confrontation. Tell me this all doesn’t scream red flags…Fast forward..He ended up in Canadian jail, I ended up staying with her husbands ex wife’s house. Thankfully his ex didn’t press any charges against me. I contacted my soon to be father in law who posted bail and we came back without the girls. Went through with the wedding and then spent what should have been our honeymoon clearing his name in Canada.
Fast forward a little more. I made sure that he was paying the child support and we were then able to have visitations with no further issues. I was pregnant with my first child just before our first anniversary. By the end of September, his ex was giving up custody of their girls voluntarily. She couldn’t handle their oldest as she was becoming a rebellious teen. I had a pretty good relationship with her but not without some pretty major bumps in our road. So here I am a soon to be first time mom suddenly raising an teenager and a grade schooler. (6 yrs between her and her sister) I was to be a stay at home mom. As the mom and non bread winner, I had to give up the things I wanted. It became more and more clear that I was to fully submit to my husband..I had to do without the winter coat because I was pregnant and the coat wouldn’t fit me after the baby was born. Yet he could buy a new leather jacket or boots etc. This treatment went on for 7 years.I ended up having to get an evening job to try and help make ends meet because his smoking and expensive coffee habits were more important. He was lazy and just did not put in the effort needed to keep his family going, not to mention we ended up in a bad deal with our mortgage from a predatory lender..
He asked that I get along with his brother since they worked together and co-owned a business. A business that I still run to this day. As we did and understood each other more, we became friends. I would tell him issues I had with his brother and he would try and give advice from a guys perspective. Some things worked but then you can’t make a narcissist happy just with different attention. He never appreciated me, he never respected me. Nothing I ever did was good enough, ever…He was outside working on his truck. I had been on the phone helping my niece with some english homework. He came in picked up my phone to see who I was talking to last and all he saw was his brother’s number. He proceeds to take my phone and smash it on the wall. Mind you I had been laying on the couch and told him who I was talking to. I tried stopping him and it didn’t matter, my phone was busted. I made the decision to leave right then. My only regret was not taking my kids with me. I hoped that eh wouldn’t do anything to them but I felt that I really needed to get away and fast. It was the essential straw. I went to his brothers so that I wasn’t to far away and the very ext day I took the kids with me. My 2 kids. His oldest had already moved out and his second was now in her teens. Fast forward, he contested the divorce so we had to wait 2 years. The next 10 years were absolute hell with degrading me, keeping the kids when he wasn’t supposed to etc. I wanted to do everything 50/50 . Never asked for child support util I couldn’t take it anymore. I would buy clothes and he wouldn’t send them back with the kids. He did everything he could to make my life miserable.
That’s as far as I’m going with that for now…As for the poem, It came about because of the conversation we had. These were all the things he expressed to me and I only wanted to make him understand that, yes, I see you and I hear you. You are somebody and you are worthy. I didn’t want to see him close a door so tight that he never gets that chance of true happiness that he so longs for. Whether it’s with me or not. I’m pretty sure he understands that about me, I have been pretty open and honest with him. Looking back on when I texted him and let him know about the poem, this is what I told him..It’s something I started doing when my grandmother passed away. I can’t really do it on a whi..it’s always about a person..I have to get to know them first..I usually write them about people who have passed away..occasionally it’s about someone I care about..I wrote one about you back in June..I guess you could say my poems are perspectives from the heart.. His response was: That’s good..Time will change things..I will get to where I need to be sooner or later..I’ve put so much into a lot of things the past few years and I just get f***ed over/around etc..Just very irritated. I told him time to breathe then and that I would bring the poem when I came up the next day. The next morning after he read the poem , he sent me “Good morning..Thank you for the poem..That was nice of you” I recipricated and he said to enjoy my day.
I can tolerate a lot.. As far as the ghosting..I am understanding more about him but I do not want to pick meaningless fights at this point. I wrote that letter because I did want to get clarity from him and be on the same page. I don’t see a need to fight or make someone feel bad when I don’t know their side. I have to give him a chance to come clean and he can’t come clean if he doesn’t know what I’m needing. He’s told me before that sometimes he needs to be called out yet everytime I run y how I want to call him out, I’m being told it will just make him shut down or that he’ll run for the hills. So really what do I have to lose?? Maybe I need to word some things differently but…IDK..I’m just getting really frustrated at this point…

[Karen D]

Sorry for how long that last post was. I forgot to add my interaction with him over the last couple days. I had sent him a revision of the poem I had written to him. Just something I was messing around with to make it a little more poetically descriptive if that makes sense. Just for example, I changed it from I see you to Through the looking glass. I ended it with “I felt inspired to rewrite the poem I had written for you last year..I hope your future is heading in a better direction now..I hope you have been able to find you again..No matter where our paths take us, I just want you to know, I will always be here for you. I wish nothing but the best for you..Be well, be safe..”
No response from that. Thought I would at least get a thumbs up..

Couple days later asked about future with working on my vehicles and again nothing. After having talked with you this past week and conformation from my other guy friend etc..I decided to write one last text yesterday morning. “Good morning _____…I hope life is treating you well 🙂 I want to apologize to you..I haven’t given you the space you need and that is wrong of me..In the back of my mind I guess I just always was trying to make sure I was available in case you needed me..I now know that was wrong..I put myself aside when I really should have been working on me and my needs, wants and desires..I’m not going away per say just stepping back..I am really starting to find me again an it’s actually feeling pretty good! I started working with a life coach and she has made me see how damaging I have become to our friendship..I am truly sorry for that and have hope that it’s not to late to fix..I’m looking into doing horseback riding now and then..I found a couple of trail riding stables not to far away..I am also going to plan a spring trip to HH. Waterfalls will be flowing then and I already know being solo there isn’t as intimidating since I know the area..You always have a special place in my heart..I’m not sure what prompted you o make the connection with me but I am so glad you did..You also deserve the best <3 You are a great person and don’t ever let anyone make you feel you aren’t..Be safe and be well! Cheers to better and brighter future!

It was several hours later but he did finally text he was back from his trip.He let me know his Monday plans for work stuff and that he is still willing to work on my stuff when needed. He ended with hop all is going well. He also let me know he would be at his shop this week which is his way of saying if I need him he’s around or if I wanted to stop in.

I left it at that. I really am going to step back from MY needing to feel so connected to him. I do want to keep working with you more..This is really helping. Thank you!
Karen

[Karen D]

On the helping front: Yes everything you said makes perfect sense. I think that is more of what I meant to convey along with I need to make myself to not be so available. Ex: Don’t be sitting around waiting for him to have an issue.

My brother was also taking up the slack from me losing my SO. Not that he wasn’t talking to me before SO passed. My SO actually was jealous that I would always answer the phone when my brother called. He couldn’t understand my brother was our dad’s care taker and if something happened, I needed to be available at all times. Sometimes it was just my brother needing support. His story is a whole other rabbit hole. I will copy a semi journal I started writing when my SO got sick the first time. It is the most raw and vulnerable I have ever been. I’ll share it at the end.

It’s the connection I am missing most. I did call him out a few weeks after that because he wasn’t talking to me as much: Just to clarify a little. Prior to this conversation he had been spending a lot of time with me. More than his other friends. Not only did he come to my place but I was at his several times as well. This was just the beginning of him spending less time with me and not talking as much. Yes , his running was still evident and I’m not invalidating that. What he was busy with was getting ready to go on a road trip with his friend and his wife. They went away for Thanksgiving last year.

I’m figuring out where I fit now. The limbo of not knowing who will work on my vehicles for me was actually answered today. He said he would continue to do that for me. That gives me peace of mind.

This may sound strange but, I feel safe at the moment with a relationship with him. I don’t need much attention right now and honestly, any time I get a positive response from him, it gives me energy. He still sees me..Does that make sense?

The womanizer,Pedifiles and abusers: With the addict, I asked him what made him go back to her after the first time. He thought she had changed and gone in a new direction only to find out she just uses whoever she can along the way until they catch on. She’s a narcissist and that also come from his sister who knows her as well. Her Ex that she went back to is the pedifile. All that came out after she got caught with him. Her daughters spilled the beans to my guy. I saw the texts from them. The other 2 “friends” he respected as older men in his life. He didn’t know either one of them were capable of what they did until it all came out in one weekend so I know he was overwhelmed with information. That is why I told him I wouldn’t bring it up again. Him bringing up anything to me was a lot for him to do and to cut off people he thought were friends took a lot out of him.

Him needing to respect himself makes sense.

Tuff to figure out: LOL I had him figured months before he wrote this. I write poetry. Usually it is about someone who has passed away and is like a memorial tribute. I started doing that when my grandmother passed away when I was 16. Sometimes I write about the living and I wrote one about him. I gave it to him a couple months later.
I see you, in your black t-shirt. Ice blue eyes, kind yet hurt. I see you, walls built high, keeping your heart safe inside. I see you, longing for love, the kind that is sent from up above. I see you, a shattered man, keeping it together, best that you can. I see you , tough as nails, scars so deep, only Jesus knows. I see you , with your guarded light, the possibility is there to make your world right. I see you all hope is not lost, your next chapter has come at such a great cost. I see you, just open the door, someone is there, you’ve been waiting for. I see you, loving again. Maybe she’s the one or just a really good friend… The next morning he sent me a good morning text along with a thank you for the poem, it was really nice of you.

I will end with my mini journal which I have titled Skid Marks

Skid marks
Life is full of skid marks. You see them every day on our roadways. I often wonder what happened
when those marks were left on the highway.
Then there are the skid marks left on people’s hearts. These marks can be good or bad.Take for
instance the day I was in my grade school chorus concert. I was bummed because my dad had to work
overtime. I’m on stage singing away and just as I saw the back door of the auditorium open and my dad
walked in
sincere joy filled my heart. This was a good skid mark. Not too long after that my Grandmother was
hospitalized with a heart problem. When mom and dad came home that night, well that was a bad
skid mark. I would not get to grow up knowing her as well as I would have liked to. Two years after
her death we lost my Grandfather as well.
Death is always the hardest of skid marks. No, that’s not true. The hardest of skid marks are the ones
that never seem to end. The ones that seem to drag down the roadway of life like the brakes of a
tractor trailer that have locked up but you don’t quite know they are locked so you try to keep driving
only to leave this long black streak behind you. Until finally the tires blow out because the rubber has
seemingly melted until the tire explodes all over the road ! Maybe it has caused the trailer to to over
turn and there is nothing but your life in pieces! All over the road and all you want to do is scream!!!
Is this really happening???? Someone please make it stop!!! You try to get out to look at what was
behind you only to find it surrounding you. You wait for the air to clear but it seems to be taking
forever. This…Could this be the worst skid mark ever???No, this isn’t it either. This one is just very
draining… The day my mom called and said call home as soon as you get this… Every thought went
through my head but nothing prepared me when my sister in law answered the phone and told me to sit
down. I thought something happened to dad. Then the words, “Josh is dead” came from the other end
of the phone. Her son, my 4 year old nephew accidentally hung himself…. That one had so many skid
marks it was like a fifty car pile up, from the news media trying to imply my brother was at fault to
just trying to let my kids find out how to deal with death by laying their cousin to rest…
August 2, 2012, My mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. About 10 months prior to that she
had been diagnosed with Altzheimer’s. August 29, 2012 David, my other half, was diagnosed with
Large diffuse B cell Lymphoma…The next year would be many many trips to Dr appointments and
chemo treatments. The outcome seemed to be good… Mom’s cancer would never go away and we knew
this however we hoped it would go into remission…Which it did for about 6 months. David was given
the all clear and he stayed clear. Mom on the other hand had hers come back with a vengeance. I
remember taking her on one of my turns to get her radiation treatment. We were talking on the way
home and she was talking about being so tired. I told her whatever she wanted to do she needed to do it
for herself. I looked over to her and she point blank looked at me and said, “I don’t want to die.” She
fought as long as she could but the chemo was really taking its toll on her. She finally had enough. She
stopped treatments and cancer finally took her life 6 months later.
Not all skid marks are bad, it’s just the bad ones that leave a deeper scar….
Then there are the skid marks with the crash site in full view….Time standing still for eternity…Every
movement in super slow motion… Every sound muffled beyond comprehension…The warning up
ahead sign was put out November 27, 2017…Cancer…again…Okay they said this could happen we beat
it once we can do it again! The mirage….Looks can be deceiving. This cancer has a 70% cure rate, but
wait there’s more. It’s not only in the liver, it’s in the lungs,bones and the brain! WTF!!!! How???
WHY??? Biopsy confirms it’s not the same, it’s a second cancer. OK so how do we attack this one?
Well ,you can’t cure this one… Striking blow to the chest…Now we know we are in a high speed roll
over leaving marks and debris everywhere. First we need to get the brain tumor under control…
Gamma knife radiation…Discharge to Presby….This seems promising…4 am trips to Pittsburgh only to
have David getting worse everyday. The pain from the bone cancer makes it so he can’t get
comfortable to lay on the table for testing… Constantly pulling this car over to the side of the road
trying to calm down..Little did we know everytime we pulled over it was allowing the cancer to gain
more speed…Time was not on our side…Cancer doesn’t obey the speed limit…It was driving in the fast
lane mowing down anything and everything in its path. The Gamma knife was a big fail… Back to the
cancer center…What do we do now? Let’s start the chemo and see if we can shrink the tumors enough
to get comfortable for full brain radiation instead… December 20, 2017. First day of chemo…Dr came
to visit while I was getting lunch. David is becoming too incoherent… He is going to be admitted
immediately after treatment and will get the rest of his chemo in the hospital…
This car starts to roll again seemingly out of control. Chemo, test ,chemo, results…Pneumonia…Social
workers,Palliative care…What the hell are you all saying to me without saying it??? What is palliative
care and why are you asking me all these questions??? He’s here to get better!!!! Why are you all
acting like he is dieing??? What do you mean I have to decide if he lives or dies??? What is going
on??? This crash is just one blow after another.Barrel roll after barrel roll. Someone please just freeze
time and give me a moment to breathe!!!!!!!!
Side effects form the anxiety meds… He didn’t know who I was or where he was…FEAR, lots of it..
Thankfully he responded to antibiotics and the pneumonia cleared up. Amen we can breathe again at
least for one brief moment. Radiation…David…If you don’t do this , YOU WILL DIE… 20 mins on the
table with excruciating back pain, he did it! The next 9 treatments were only 5 mins each time. Still
coming out of the meds previously used proved to be time consuming in the radiation room. Slow the
roll a little. Made a cushion from the cat’s blanket to provide comfort to his back on the table and a
little pillow made from the loving hands of a church to help provide comfort. Radiation is a success!
Christmas delayed, home for new years! Celebrating Christmas the following week all had a great
time.
Two cycles of Chemo down and starting to feel better. Que rolling auto crash again…Jan 19,
2018…Fever, chills, strange red rash on right leg, can’t stand or put pressure on it, can’t touch it due to
excruciating pain. Call an ambulance to go to the hospital. Infectious diseases called in, edema so bad
it caused his left ankle to split the skin. No explanation of what caused the rash or leg pain. Possibly
due to low platelets. Transfusions up ahead.!!! Antibiotics and platelets cleared this up in just a few
days..Back home feeling pretty good.Feb. Test results showed improvement and cancer was
responding well to treatment. The brain tumor was nearly gone!!!! Yes we were on our way to
remission!!!
FREEZE!!!!!! Not so fast… Cancer had another plan… Didn’t like the rolling car? How about we spin
you out of control at a hundred miles per hour???? How do ya like that one??? Feb, 22 was the last
night David spent in bed with me. He was extremely comfortable that night. Feb. 23 2018, get a call at
7 something in the morning. Dr wants David to immediately go to the hospital. His scan showed
spinal fractures due to tumors compressing on his spine. Next stop 10 more rounds of radiation. Pain
is becoming too much to bear. Appetite leaving quickly, Can’t hardly drink, giving it everything he had
to force himself to hydrate and add nutrition… Cancer wasn’t having any of that… March 21 2018,
having completed radiation on the 14th, back to the chemo for cycle # 5, completed day 1, completed
day #2 Yet when we got home David was so weak he couldn’t stand up to get out of the car. It took
over an hour and a half to get him inside with some of that time crawling into the house because he
couldn’t get up the steps. Day #3, David is too weak to go for treatment. This was his last day at
home…This thing
called cancer just kept playing demolition derby with us. Everytime we thought we were getting the
right angle it came up with a new strategy and would T bone us which is an illegal hit in the derby..
David fought hard, He did physical therapy in the hospital, he was getting stronger or so we thought.
He was trying everything to force his body to accept the nutrition it so desperately needed… Cancer
wouldn’t have any of that either…April 6th being transferred to a skilled nursing facility for physical
therapy… They beat me up he said…Therapy was to draining…Decline continued…Coming up on the
crash scene now everything is in slow motion like never before…April 10 CT scan to see how radiation
did on the spine…April 17th …Results…The chemo is no longer working…Time frozen once again…We
are stopping treatment and turning to comfort care…NO!!!!!! I’M NOT READY FOR THIS!!!! WE
HAD PLANS!!! EVERYTHING IS HALF FINISHED!!!! WE WERE DOING SO WELL AND
HEALTHY THIS PAST YEAR MAKE IT ALL STOP!!!!!WHAT ABOUT OUR CABIN??? WHAT
ABOUT THE Q HOUSE??? WHAT ABOUT OUR PLANS???? WE AREN’T DONE YET!!!! I’M A
FIXER WHY CAN’T I FIX THIS!?!?!?
Hospice care. I want to take him home. He told me it would be too difficult for me. We never made it
home for hospice.. David, do you understand what the Dr said? Yes, I get to keep my football… Sitting
in the middle of this horrific crash site, debris everywhere. I am bruised beyond belief as David lies
there clinging to life. I looked him in the eyes and asked him if he remembered me. He looked at me
and leaned in for a kiss. Yes , he remembered me. I laid my head on his lap and began to cry. He gently
rubbed my back and told me, “It’s my turn.” Three more days…April 21,2018 about 1:10 PM, David
took his final breath with his kids and myself in the room…He is pain free…I am not, though it’s
nothing compared to what he went through.. The crash site still has a lot of debris to clean up.This will
take quite some time to do… I promised I would figure it all out piece by piece…Always learn from the
skid marks in your life or even someone else’s…Prevent these crashes from becoming life ending and
turn them into life saving… For now…I’m picking up the pieces…
WTF!!!!!!!
Here I am almost exactly 2 years later to the day. April 20,2020. This just can’t be
happening… Please tell me this is all just a huge nightmare and I’m going to wake up
soon. At 9:56 am, I got a call from my brother. He is waiting for Jesse to get done with
his job interview. Sitting in the truck outside of Wal-Mart. He said he could take a nap
but would have to put up a sign that says just napping no Covid. We talked for 40 mins
and 40 seconds about all kinds of stuff. My kittens were going to the vet later that day
so we talked about them. He called me back at 1:13 PM. Found out that Jesse was
actually starting his job and wouldn’t be done until 7 Pm. In the meantime dad had
called him to tell him the cable guy was on his way so he had to get home. We talked for
another 34 mins and 52 seconds. He asked how the vet appointment went. I told him I
was going to go up and pump the basement of the Connoquenessing house. He told me ,
“Ok,get to work”, “I’ll talk to ya later.” I was the last person he spoke to on the phone. It
was the last time I would ever hear his voice.
At 1:39 PM, Dad calls…He wants to know what he should do about my brother laying
in the driveway. He won’t answer him. I don’t know dad. (Not knowing if he is just
ignoring dad or not) I just kept saying I don’t know because I wasn’t there to see. My
mind is now racing to figure out what the situation is. There is a crack in my dad’s
voice. Now I know the concern is more than a game. Something is wrong. He asked if
he should call 911. Again I told him I didn’t know. I’m running around shutting things
off and asking the question…Is he breathing? Then I hear…I don’t think so… Dad, I’m on
my way, call Laurie and 911.
Hindsight is 4/20/20
How Ironic.
So many things lead up to April 20, 2020. Jeff wasn’t feeling well in February. He
went to Med-Express to get checked out. You know he wasn’t feeling good when he
actually went to the doctor. He was told it was an upper respiratory virus that just had
to run its course. Nobody else in the family got sick so we are thinking it most likely
was not Covid-19.
Jeff held onto a ton of guilt after Josh died in his care. It devastated him for 19 years. I
remember the day Josh died and he met me outside the house and just grabbed onto me
for dear life. He said he just wanted to trade places with him. That was the last time we
hugged until February 26,2020. He sent me a text message telling me that he unloaded a
bunch of stuff on Kim and asked if I could talk to her. I think she was still in shock of
all
he had to say and couldn’t relay anything to me. I texted him back that I would be over.
He had started drinking heavily recently. He couldn’t sleep at night and would be
coughing. He was exhausted. He was just coming down from being very drunk which
was a rare thing for him. (insert hindsight~ this was the start of congestive heart
failure,
at least from the more prominent signs. The not sleeping and bad cough when lying
down)
Jeff was being extremely hard on himself. He realized what he was doing and was
trying so hard to make a change. Cold turkey wasn’t working for him so he tried to
soften the blow with less extremes of alcohol. His drink of choice was vodka. He was
starting to feel a little better. Then came the shut downs and the fear of going to the
doctor for follow up. All over the news they kept telling you to stay away from hospitals
and doctors offices for fear of contracting this deadly virus. He was afraid of bringing it
home to our 79 yo father. He said he would go get checked out after the 14 day shut
down. We know how that went. Jeff needed to be seen by a doctor physically. He was
also on blood pressure medicine. It needed to be regulated and that can’t be done over
the phone or video calls.
The day I went to see him was the last time we hugged again. It was a very soft and
gentle hug. People really need to hug more. I told him as I was leaving that I wasn’t
giving up on him.
Then at the end of March we had yet another tragic skid mark. Our cousin Jason’s
house caught fire. He lived half a mile up the road from Dad’s house. If only the house
was lost it would be one thing and easier to move forward. This was not the case.
Jason’s 14 yo step-daughter was home because the schools were closed due to the
pandemic. My sister called me to tell me about the fire because she heard it over the
scanner. We listened as they were trying to locate her in the house. When the fire
department got there the house was fully involved and Dayanna was trapped. Our hearts
sank when the phone went dead. Dayanna didn’t know the house was about to become
fully engulfed in flames. She called 911 thinking someone was breaking into the house.
She didn’t know it was the flames causing the windows to break from the intense heat.
The fire started on the front porch from a recklessly discarded cigarette by her older
sister. At first she was hiding upstairs until she started to smell smoke. She tried to get
out but was only able to make it to the first floor bathroom. The fire was so intense and
fast. She was unable to tell the dispatcher where she was in the house as firefighters
were trying to access the upstairs where they last knew her location. The bathroom did
not have a window and the home was 100 years old with balloon framing. She was
found leaning against the bathtub with burns to 89% of her body. She died from smoke
inhalation. Her dog also perished in the fire and was never recovered. This played
another major factor in Jeff’s stress on his heart. He and Jason grew up together. Jeff
tried for years to help Jason with his alcohol addiction. Jason had actually successfully
gone through a rehabilitation program a month before this tragic event. He fell hard and
Jeff was there doing his best to help him through. His heart was hurting badly for Jason.
It was walking around the burned out house that more signs of distress were showing.
Jeff’s legs were starting to hurt really bad and were swelling up. He thought it was
because of lack of exercise over winter and standing on hard surfaces for long periods of
time. April 4, 2020 is another turning point. Jesse had been working at a pizza place.
He was scheduled to work on Friday April 3rd. He had decided he couldn’t take the
verbal abuse from his boss anymore. So at his scheduled work time he took his uniform
in and laid it on the counter and walked back out the door. This didn’t sit well with the
manager/s who happen to be husband and wife which was not allowed according to the
rules of the company. No sooner did Jesse return home and he was getting a call from
police with a claim that he sexually assaulted the female manager by putting his head
on her breast. Jeff called me extremely upset and said he really didn’t know how much
more he could take. They would not tell Jesse if they were pressing charges or not. He
had to wait and see if he got anything in the mail. Every day for the next 17 days, Jeff
dreaded going to get the mail. Would this be the day he found out his 19 yo son was
getting charged with an unthinkable crime? He actually said this to me. Jeff never made
it to the mailbox on April 20th. He only made it halfway there before he left this earth.
He and dad had just finished having lunch. Dad went to get some tools out of the truck
so they could work on the lawn mower, Jeff was walking up to get the mail. Dad heard
what he thought was a car door and a whoosh sound. He got on his scooter and backed
up and looked down the driveway but didn’t see anything. Then he looked up the
driveway only to see Jeff laying on the driveway flat on his back, arms straight out and
feet together. He was unresponsive…
I remember getting in the van and driving fast. My sister called me and I told her I
know just to get there. I also told her to get Greg Horn, He is a firefighter and EMT. I
broke laws on my way. It’s a really long way from Connoquenessing to Gibsonia
especially when there is an emergency. I kept hitting the steering wheel and just yelling
“Jeffrey Todd! Don’t you dare!!!” I think I already knew. Laurie called and said they
were working on him which gave me a little hope, I think I already knew though. I heard
a voice tell me I needed to go and get Kim as she was completely unaware of what was
happening at home.
I called Laurie and told her that’s what I was doing. It took 3 mins to get Kim out of the
building and another 8 mins to get back to the house. All told it took 20+ minutes to
make the trip with 1 stop and multiple traffic violations. This trip is normally a 40 min
trip just from Connoquenessing to dad’s house.
Pulling up to the house the ambulance was still there and 3 or 4 police officers at the
end of the driveway.I pulled into the field entrance and Kim jumped out and ran.
Everything to me was now in complete slow motion. I walked next to the officers and
asked if they got anything yet, I’m his sister. They just gave me a solom look and said
no, they have tried everything. I could see him in the back of the ambulance with the
compression machine still working on him.
The ambulance then backed into the yard. They thought at first they might still have
him but he stopped responding to everything. Kim was allowed to go into the
ambulance before they took him away.
It’s really hard to find the positive skid marks of life when tragic ones are so
pronounced. We proceeded to honor Jeff’s memory later that summer with a big FU to
the government. August 15th we celebrated Jeff’s life with a party at the farm. We had
over 120 people there and nobody got sick. It was a wonderful day that went by way too
fast. I was to give the moonshine toast. The only one that would come to mind and I
know Jeff really liked was “ Here’s to you and here’s to me, I pray that friends we’ll
always be, but if by chance we disagree, to hell with you and here’s to me!”
The letter did eventually come with charges being pressed about a month after
Jeff’s passing. The accuser never showed up for court and all charges were dropped.
Come July 15th, 2020, a good skid mark, Gabriel Ronan McGuire was born. This
was a beautiful moment. He is such a handsome character. I’m sure there are little marks
along the way but those are not prominent in my mind. I also need to learn how to put
these things in writing quicker so they don’t escape memory.
April 29, 2023 @ 12:27 AM I received a message asking how my truck was
running. I had it in to get the spark plug changed a few days before. This was the start of
a very good skid mark. An awakening I didn’t even know I needed. Duane, who has
been my mechanic for the past 9 years, seemed to just need someone to talk to and took
a chance with me. Over 4 hours of conversation of life , death, kids and grandkids. It
was really nice. I don’t know if he fully understands what he has done for me in his time
of need. I am forever grateful for him. He has made me see joy. He has made me want to
make improvements to myself and how I live.. He has brought a new life to this once
shattered soul and it lives again.
July 2023, Colorado for Elenore’s 90th birthday. With the help of Janet we pulled
it off. It was a great night and one to never forget. The sheriff was called by 2 neighbors
for a noise complaint. So in good fun he gave us a warning and wanted to join the party
himself. He posed for pictures and even put handcuffs on Elenore for a photo. Fun was
had by all.
August 4th…Another literal skid mark that can still be seen for quite some time.
I was taking a nap when my sister called to tell me of a rumor going around the bar that
Jason’s wife Cinnamon was killed that afternoon on rt 8. I sat up so fast and said NO! I
plugged Jeff’s phone in so I could get Diana’s number. When I called I let her know it
was just a rumor and if she heard anything different to call me. Not 3 mins later she
called back and confirmed the worst news ever.. I immediately went to Jason’s house.
He took a while to get home. He had seen her car on the flatbed and pulled over to
follow it. Not only were they supposed to be celebrating the granddaughters birthday, it
was also their 10th wedding anniversary. How much pain can one man stand??? She was
his rock and reason for living. She had notes on her office desk that told of how upset
she would get because of his drinking, but she still loved him. She accepted him for who
he was. This skid mark will last a really long time. Cinnamon didn’t even barely get to
live in their new home after the fire. They had only been there just over a year.

[Karen D]

There are those times when the universe says you’ve said to much. I had a whole paragraph typed out and accidentally closed my page after reading the story you linked…

I shorten the information. He had a very traumatic childhood growing up. Mom married 3 times not sure about dad but I do know he has quite a few half siblings and only 1 full blood sibling. Dad was battling his own demons. He was a Vietnam Vet. Died in 2017. He says he made his peace with him before he passed.Most of his friends are older father like friends including his ex’s dad. He is his best friend and considers him a dad. I’ve met him and he is a really nice guy. They were friends before he ever dated his daughter. He’s lost a lot of friends as well due to health problems and age. So the childhood trauma effect makes a lot of sense here.

I guess the best way I can help him is to stop making myself so ready to help..I found myself basically just waiting for the late night text to come. I’m not sure though if it was more for him or me. As I said before, my brother used to call me every night. I hadn’t had that for 3 years at that point so I was really missing that connection. I believe I even expressed that to him. Honestly I the last time he did a really late text, I had actually tried to ignore it because it was really late. The 3rd time he said, I’m still up was at 3 AM so I engaged and it lasted back and forth til about 5:30 AM. He apologized for doing it saying he was probably wrong. I had told him if I really didn’t want to engage I would have turned off the phone so it was ultimately my choice. He came to my house 1 more time after that and that was the last time we hung out here. It’s the connection I am missing most. I did call him out a few weeks after that because he wasn’t talking to me as much. I told him it felt like we were going back to the customer zone again. I also told him if he was seeing someone to let me know because I wanted to respect his boundries of not talking with other women when he’s in a relationship. He had responded back that he was just living life and hanging out with as many friends as he could. He also ended it with and you’re my friend and don’t ever think that you’re not. I apologized to him and he said all was good.

Yes he was a stranger but when we first met , my SO was with me and I was sent to him by his long term girlfriend at the time. I was on a community page looking for an honest mechanic and she gave me his name. So I went to him for 8.5 years before he initiated this most recent contact.He keeps me on the road and I guess now I’m torn and in limbo of if or where he will fit into my life now. He’s closing up his shop and no longer doing inspections. He did say that he will do some side jobs here and there. He told me I can go to his buddy for inspections. I actually sent him a text tonight asking about future work on my vehicles. It’s been delivered but not read and that was a couple hours ago now. I really try not to take it personally because his sisters said he does the same to her and no I actually haven’t talked to his sister for a few months now. It’s just something that came up in conversation. I guess it’s the thought of looking for a relationship that scares me. If I befriend someone…Idk..when I’m out and about then I guess if it flows then great.. I actually did get asked out the beginning of summer. I turned him down though. I already knew the guy and 1 I did not have any attraction to him other than he is a nice guy. 2 his wife had passed away only 6 months prior to asking me out. and 3 he has a 6 year old son. I am not into raising any more kids. Mine are grown and having kids of their own. I respectfully declined and wished him well.

Ok This next thing is something I told my guy I was gonna let it be done with. I’m letting it be done with him. I was selling a house that I needed a plumber to help with a drain. My guy gave me a number of a friend of his. Another older guy in his 70’s. I met him at the house to go over some ideas and told him that if it were the more expensive route that he would have to wait until the closing for payment as I was tapped out. If it were the smaller cost the buyers would pick up the tab. I hadn’t heard back so I called him and he said my gut told him to hold off. I never did ask him if he actually said that or not. So this plumber came to the house to trying the lessor fix first. He was not as polite this time. As a matter of fact everything was some kind of sexual reference. I can handle dirty man talk. It was when we were cleaning everything up that we had the problem. Now keep in mind I was very firmly told this was a good friend of my guys. Like a don’t F this up trust kind of thing. So this guys felt defeated because he was unable to fix the problem. He reached out for a side hug which was no big deal. The buyers were also standing there. The problem happened when we did a final walk through and it was just the 2 of us. He turned and gave me one more hug and as he came around one hand went straight for my crotch. I pushed him away and then we walked out of there. I tried letting my guy know about this right away but he said he was having issues with his phone and didn’t get it. So I told him everything that happened. He told me he didn’t know what to say. I told him I was not angry with him that it wasn’t he who did it. I just wanted him aware of what his friend did and that I was moving on from it. A few days later when I was up at his place he brought up to me that he was done with womanizers, pedifiles and abusers. (He had to help a friend that weekend move because her boyfriend choked her her and beat her. He was friends with her boyfriend another older couple) So we left it at that.

I think he has already run for the hills for one reason or another. I think I have know all along since our connection faded and I have just kept hoping that he respected me enough to spell it out for me. I want to hear him say it. Honestly it makes me angry with him that he won’t follow through with me he things he said : He’s always straight upfront with nothing to hide. He believes in communication and balance in relationships. Ok so I looked back on some of our text this is what eh said: LOL, well I’m directbut listen also. But I don’t listen to Bullshit..Not always correct but I’m pretty good at Most of it. That’s me and I’m a good listener to those that are not out there..I know you should be all of the above but I’m old and I know a lil bit.Lol sorry Karen but that’s me.. Don’t take that wrong..But I been through a lot.. I responded with I understand direct and emotional response as well..I actually appreciate direct the most.. He went on to say that ” A lot of people don’t understand me till they step back and look at a lot of things..I may be dumb but I take shit in and look at it like most would..No fakeness..That is wtf is wrong with the world today..I have friends that are the same page..Trust me.”

I then referenced a conversation he heard me have with my step-daughter. His response “You did fine..Your smart and clear..If you weren’t I wouldn’t even talk to you..Good people” I said good to know and he sent back. That’s wy I talk with you..Were friends and that’s where it is. I’m not open to many people”

So my mind now goes to WTH changed??? He went on to tell me about observing people he’s know for a long time and hadn’t seen in a while. he referred to the, as the Goods and the Pretenders. Said “I treat as I’m Treated..But I’m not a Pretender.” Another conversation I had explaind why I was so quiet when he was working on my truck at his shop. I stuck around instead of him taking me home. he had done all the talking that day. He said “You’re welcome..You were fine.. We all have our times in life ..I’m not perfect everyday either. I’m me and I’ll remain me till the end. There is a reason we connected in life..

Another part of a conversation: “I do miss having a partner/Relationship but I’m not going through all that again right now..When and if that ever happens it will take a lot to go back to that. I’m surrounded b a bunch of great people/friends who won’t F**k me over etc…At this point..That’s what is keeping me going….Life is tuff but I keep on going.. I’m a very tuff person to figure out. Many have tried and it will never happen. LOL.. I’m me and that’s how it is. My Boundaries are different now being that I’ve been thru way to much bad..I’ve learned a lot …That’s for sure” this next part was his response to my moving forward in life. I had said that hopefully someday we both get what we we’re looking for. He responded with ” All the time I’ve given to those I thot were in it for the long haul makes it hard for me to think about being at that point again..Being true, trust and loyaly and just the meaning of love play a big factor with me. I been let down by ones that I’ve given my all and best to. But I never quit trying through the worst times etc.. It’s hard to say what the future brings but I’m hard core on a few things that’s for sure…I’m not a fake person at all. Straight forward is me..Most can’t handle that…But I’ve been with quite a few that played me hard.. I’m far from perfect. But I give and show others as best I can ”

I hope this sheds some light on why I am so mixed up with how he is. He says one thing and does another and I really want to call him out on it..I’m wondering if I actually in a sense figured him out and it scares him??Am I getting to close to understanding him and he really doesn’t want that barrier broken?

Regardless, I’m glad I kept going with you because quite frankly, I didn’t think you were getting it at first. Thanks for sticking it out with me. It’s definitely stirring things up with and and I want to get it figured out.
Karen

[Karen D]

Thank you so much for your response! This definitely cleared some things up and I would love to explore more.

The getting drunk issue..Diving a little deeper and from my conversations with him..I feel if he had the right partner who was willing to talk things out, he wouldn’t feel like he has to resort to numbing his pain through alcohol. At least that is what he has expressed he wants in a relationship. I understand the concern of him even wanting to turn to alcohol at all. Sometimes I wish I could go that route as a coping mechamism but it’s just not in me to do so. As a matter of fact, I do not like being out of my own control in that way. Had a bad experience as a teen and never want to be in that position again. A friend stepped in to make sure nothing happened to me that I did not want to happen. I do think I played an important role, although I am no expert for sure, In being able to open his eyes to a pattern he has developed. I know it got him thinking from responses he gave me. I hope he is more self aware. I pointed out to him to take a look at his past relationships and learn from them. He has told me multiple times that he is going to work on himself. I don’t know what that exactly means to him though. I honestly don’t know if he actually would have gotten drunk or if he just said it out loud that it’s what he wanted to do but wouldn’t act on it. Reason I say this is when he had his anxiety attack while I was away, he texted me about it. Said he hadn’t eaten in 3 days and was stressed beyond belief with everything. He was feeling very overwhelmed. I had told him I wished I were closer to help and he said that it was ok and he would get through. His mom stopped in to check on him. That tells me he does reach out for help. His sister said he will call her occasionally when things are rough. I’m just trying to put the pieces together here. I really want to understand him. I don’t like seeing people hurting.

Maybe I’ll look into some things for groups. I did consider going horseback riding and looked up some stables close to me. That’s something I have always wanted since I was a kid. Don’t know how well the group thing would work but it’s a start. I signed up for embodiment coaching tonight, so I have that to look forward to.I will be planning another getaway for spring to a place I have been before. A place I fell in love with many years ago. I would definitely feel comfortable going there alone even more than my last trip.

My relationship wants or not… My reason to be open to a relationship with him is that I trust him. He has never done anything to ever intentionally hurt me or be hurtful in any way. I’ve never had this much trust in an unrelated male before. I had sold my work van and it was being stored at his place. He stayed with me the entire time the guys that bought it were there trying to work on before finally calling a tow truck. Several hours. He even set up an umbrella so he could be in the shade while I was sitting in my truck and he just kept me company. He brought me water and some flavor packs. He also knew that was a hard day for me as that van was the last van me and my significant other worked out of together. Being open to a stranger terrifies me and well, I’d rather be alone than to be open and in search of. I don’t want to do online dating.

I wrote him a really long letter, I guess I could copy and paste it here and maybe you could break it down from your perspective. I did not send it. It’s saved to my computer. I shared it with another male friend of mine for his perspective. His advice was to do what he told me and just work on myself and hopefully some day my guy friend will come to his senses and realize what he’s missing…

Here is what I wrote and most likely will not send to him. Actually , it’s not the only letter I ever wrote to him. I have a couple that I wrote but never sent. I’m anxious to hear your take on this..I will remove names for privacy sake..

Dear _____

I am just going to straight up be very open and honest as I can here.These are my thoughts and questions that I’ve had over the past year. You reached out to me in the middle of the night not once but twice back in April of 2023. I was asleep the first time so I did not get your message till morning. Then a couple weeks later you reached again and this time it resulted in an all night event where we got to know more about each other. It seemed as though you just really needed to talk to someone. What made you choose me? Please be honest.I’m getting to old for non truths. That is why I’m writing this to you. I need to understand everything. I’ve told you before that I don’t ever want to mess anything up and as long as I know the facts, then I have less chance of that happening.
I honestly didn’t know if you had interest in me or just looking for a friend connection. Either way, I am thankful you did regardless of your intentions. After losing _____ and then my brother just 2 years later, I felt completely hopeless. Non-existant. I was just going through the motions of life and still struggle a little bit but not near as bad. That is because of you. I thought you had broken up with _______before you started talking to me. It seems there was a lot of off and on with you 2 but I was not privy to that information. Not that I asked, I just assumed. I should have asked but at one point in our conversation you did refer to her as your ex.
In our conversations you have told me that you have nothing to hide and that you are who you are. You believe that honesty and truth should always be present and that difficult times should be worked out. I agree with all of that. I want to understand our level of friendship from your perspective. No , I NEED to understand it or it will drive me insane with scenarios.Please give me this? Please be straight up honest as to what you want from our relationship? I was not looking for a partner. I still am not Looking but am open. Honestly, I am good either way, I just want to know exactly where I fit..
I don’t know if this is something you as a guy would even think about but as a female, I do. We have had almost zero physical contact. Just so you know, I do like contact. I like hugs. I can count on 1 hand our mere brushes of contact. I know, it’s silly. I really wanted to hug you the night you found _______ with her ex. I was afraid of complicating our friendship and didn’t know how you felt about physical contact. I didn’t want you to feel like I was taking advantage of a situation either. I’m not like the women you are used to being with. When you were coming to my place to hang out, I wasn’t sure how to handle that. You are a very attractive man, no doubt about it. I don’t know if I was wrong or not, but I felt if you wanted more from me you would let me know. I was under the impression you were just wanting to be with a friend who would just let you be. Was I correct?
October last year was the most intimate conversations we have ever had. We had great connection but now that has seemed to fade and it makes me a bit sad. I started talking to an online relationship coach. She tells me that you are an emotionally unavailable man and to let you go. Is that what you want? She also says that she thinks you do like and respect me and that you are afraid of breaking my heart. Is she right? Am I just stupid in not seeing everything right infront of my face? I know having certain conversations are hard and that is why I am writing this out. I want you to take time and seriously reflect on what I am saying and asking. PLEASE, if you need more context, ask me..
The only way at this point you are breaking my heart is by shutting me out. If you need space, tell me like you did when we first started talking. You would let me know if you were having a bad day and occasionally you would let me know how your weekend went. I like knowing the good and the bad. Maybe i’m just a fool for all this but, I really respect you flaws and all… Everyone carries baggage and it’s up to us to choose what we want to keep packing to take with us..You told me that I am your friend and to not ever think I’m not..So as your friend, I am saying I love and care about you, no matter what. You’ve earned that place in my heart.

With Love,
Karen

Hope this sheds more light on what I’m going for here. I do like honesty even if it stings. I need this kind of information to build a better me. Looking forward to your insight.

Karen

[Karen D]

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate that.

This first conversation with him, prompted me to start writing in a journal like you mentioned..I write in it almost every night. Something I have never done in my lifetime before.
As a matter of fact the very first line in my journal. This was a couple weeks after our first chat.:May 13, 2023 “It’s time. Time to dream again.Time to feel.Time to live.Time to be me.”

I understand where you are coming from on the baggage issue. Yes it makes sense. I di feel a little bit defensive when it comes to him because he actually did reach out to me first and not in a way of looking for a date or romantic relationship in any way. His initial contact , to me, just seemed to be someone who needed someone else to listen. He needed heard and in turn made me feel seen and heard as well. It was a great connection without expectation. Friends..We talked about people we knew, kids, grandkids etc. In a sense we have already started unpacking the baggage. Now we just need to throw it in the dumpster and let it go so it doesn’t get repacked. He does have a cousin he talks to that is a therapist. He does reach out for help because he doesn’t want to feel that way. He enjoys giving as do I. I think that the fact he DIDN’T get drunk because he did have someone to talk it out with, proves he CAN change and is willing to put in the effort. Does that mean he will always be perfect? No it does not. He is a firm believer that 2 people should try to work it out if they are committed to each other. He just needs to learn to have healthy arguments and he was really listening to me when we were talking.

I understand needing to work on myself. That’s why I am here. I know I am an over thinker. I have a fear of failure in many aspects. Heck I did it when he was working on a job with me. we were rebuilding a chimney and he was waiting for me to start. He wanted me to do the mortar with him but I was not as comfortable as he was and I didn’t want to #1, mess up his rhythm and #2 I didn’t want to mess up in front of him. I am learning to acknowledge my mistakes and apologize when I am wrong. Something I would have normally just hung my head in shame and secluded myself. I compromised with him and just kept the mortar coming and when it came time for the crown, he handed it back to me which was fine. That was something I was comfortable with doing.

I Guess where I’m at is still trying to understand my baggage and his. I want to be supportive to him so just letting him go isn’t really an option for me. I said all along I would be ok as just friends and I meant it. Last year he apologized to me for not being himself and that he had a lot of stuff to filter through. He did express that he is making changes on who he will let into his life. He found out disturbing news after his breakup. It had to do with her now adult kids and the ex she went back to. It was not good information at all. Made him sick to his stomach. She also has bad history with drugs and he is very much against drug use. He said anyone he gets involved with will get a background check from now on.

The lover giver: I’m not sure if you may have misunderstood what he meant here. He respects the women he is with to the point that if another woman hit on him, she would be rejected immediately. He would expect the same in return from his woman. When he is committed he means it. He wants her to feel secure in the relationship just as he wants to feel secure as well. I respect that very much and understand from what he has been through. Yes I also understand he needs to break the cycle of women he chooses to commit to. He needs to be sure they are of the same belief as him. Balance..All good relationships have balance.

Again as far as getting more friends…#1 I don’t like crowds. They overwhelm me. I find so many people inconsiderate of others and I would rather not be there. I don’t really drink so going to a bar is not my thing. In my line of work, I deal with all kinds of people all of the time. I am the listener even if I don’t want to be. I know I am very approachable, that is part of my problem. I like being with who I want to be with. I am more content to watch cheesy romance movies by myself which I have done a lot of. I did put myself out there for some self esteem boosting this summer. I did a Boudior shoot just for myself. I wanted to see what I look like through someone elses eyes. It was great and I am considering doing another that is geared more towards who you wouldn’t normally picture me as. Think of Grease at the end of the movie where she becomes the extrovert. I have been updating my wardrobe to things I feel good in. Things my ex would never allow me to have for whatever dumb reason he came up with. I am looking into planning a small getaway for the Spring at a favorite location I have been to a few times with my last significant other. Those were good memories and I absolutely love the area. I also plan on working with my Boudior photographer who is also an embodiment coach.

If he’s not the one then so be it, I will always be there for him and he will be there when I need him most outside of emotional relationships. He’s just that kind of person. Again, I was not and am not looking for a relationship. I would like for this to be one but it’s ok if it’s not. You have shed a lot of light on what he is going through and helped me to understand and even confirm some things I already suspected. I really do appreciate your time and will take everything into consideration.

Thank you,
Karen

[Karen D]

I need to add some information. This is about the “Super Red Flag”

In my conversations with him, one of the biggest issues he had with this latest ex was her never sticking it out when things got rough. He wasn’t wanting to turn to alcohol because they couldn’t work it out. It’s something that had been building for quite some time and her having her ex there when he showed up confirmed it. He felt stupid and such a fool for trying. That is why he wanted to get drunk. We had many conversations about what we thought relationships should consist of. Balance being a big part of that. Communication was another. The majority of our conversations were through text so I will often times reflect back to make sure I understood what he was saying to me. Face to face conversations consisted of the same. I do know he is trying to do some soul searching and find himself. I’m trying not to be to much of a pest because he really does give me good energy when we communicate. Hie exact words were “I’m going to really get shitfaced tonight…I’m so disappointed in myself…” Just about every other text that night for a little while was him basically kicking himself for not figuring it out sooner. Something else he said was, “I always push a lot aside for someone..But that isn’t the right thing to do cause it always comes out in time..” Another one..”I need to find me again.I been lost in the shuffle worrying about anothers problems etc. Put others before myself and never worry to much about myself…Sad but I’m such a giver…” He went on to say that he was down about as low as he could go and his anxiety was through the roof. I did ask him if he wanted to go for a drive but he said no, he just wanted to decompress. He said he never touched a drop of alcohol that night and you’re right, I believe if he didn’t have me at that moment he probably would have ended up in the hospital. He had texted me a few months earlier when he knew I was out of state visiting family, that he had a really bad anxiety episode that was so bad it almost put him in the hospital. He never would tell me exactly what was going on. Somehow I thing I would still be fine if we were just friends, but what I really want out of it is that connection of someone to confide in and just talk to. My younger brother was like a best friend to me and we could talk about anything. He used to call me every night while he waited for his wife to get home from work. He died 1 day shy of 2 years before my significant other. It was the most horrible day of my life. We had plans for that summer of working together to get stuff done at the farm and in turn my house.

My sister in law tells me I need to get more friends, but I don’t know if I really want more friends..Honestly, I don’t even want to entertain dating anyone other than this guy.. If it doesn’t work that way, I’m content to be single..I can’t explain it..I don’t cry over him. I do think about him all the time though. He actually went to work with me a week and a half ago. It was an exceptionally great day! I did not push on conversation but felt it was really sweet of him to tell me he would wait for me so we could work on the project together..He was very considerate of everything and made the whole job very relaxing. I haven’t had that since I worked with my significant other..As for one of the ways I’m doing for myself that I forgot to mention, I booked a fall trip by myself. I did invite him to go along if he wanted because it was a large house with plenty of room so no pressure. He didn’t come. He had to go to Florida to pick up a truck and bring back here. Last I got a message from his was last Sunday after I sent him a wish for a good flight and safe travels. He said thanks and to enjoy my time away. I resisted texting him until tonight hoping he would reach out first. Just a quick Hi hope all is well. Have not heard anything back yet..

[Karen D]

Thank you so much for your insight! Wow you hit a lot of what I already knew from conversations I had with him. It makes a lot of sense to me now. I’ll try to break down answers here.
My emotional recovery involved a lot of depression over the last decade. In that time I had also lost my mom and younger brother. I have a thyroid condition and had my gall bladder removed when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. That all contributed to weight gain and none of the men in my life prior to this guy ever accepted me the way I was. Therefore, how could I possibly accept me? So I secluded myself. Stay at home and only socialize with immediate family. I had tried multiple ways to lose weight. My body just would not respond. It’s still hard to motivate but is getting better. With the help of my Dr, I have lost 30 pounds this past year. Honestly if it weren’t for this guy seeing me as who I really am, I might still be 30 lbs heavier. He and his buddy were discussing weight the one night up at his place and I had mentioned that I wasn’t revealing my weight. They both looked at me and told me they thought I looked fine and didn’t see anything wrong. That prompted me to start dressing better even for my size. I NEVER had a guy, especially one I felt was attractive, tell me that and at the heaviest I had ever been outside of pregnancy. So yes, my self-esteem is improving greatly. He told me he can see I’ve been through a lot and that I deserve the best.
Funny what you said about the women he chooses.I don’t know very single thing that happen with him growing up, but I do know he did not have a stable fully loving child hood. His dad was very abusive to him. His sister told me of an incident where he was being a jerk older brother and playing a prank on her. This caused her to cry and the dad came down and beat the crap out of him. He was under the age of 10 when that happened and his parents were divorced. He also told me about his dad tying to shoot him twice when he was a teenager.
As for the red flags, I am aware. We actually had a discussion about red flags the night he fully broke it of with his ex. I was trying to get him to see the patterns he had developed with his choices. He even recognized it later on when he had texted me. He was reflecting on how self centered she was and that she never asked him how his day was even though he would always ask her. He then commented “Red flag again, I know”
He definitely needs to reassure himself that he is valuable. He agreed no more bar babes or bartenders.I did talk to him about finding himself and being happy with who he is before finding someone to commit to. I can see he has a lot of love to give and deep down is a really good person. I know he has a lot of baggage as do I and I guess maybe I’m hoping that we can unpack those bags and get rid of the garbage.
You hit the nail on the head with his feelings of respect. That is a major thing in his life and he has told me flat out he respects me as I have him. He knows he isn’t perfect and says so. He has also told me that he has a lot to work out in his head. On the 3 occasions he came to my house to hang out, we really didn’t talk much, just listened to music and were in each others presence.The last time we went out and got dinner and brought it back to my place to eat. Also the last 2 time he came he had also told me he wasn’t drinking that night. Not sure exactly why he had to tell me that prior to coming down, I just told him ok. Maybe because he knew my last guy was an alcoholic? From what I have seen with him , he doesn’t have to get drunk all the time and according to his sister, he goes on benders every so often. Those are usually brought on my his relationship situations. I definitely get his emotional block and I have been trying to study the male mind /perspective. I have been talking to my brother’s best friend and getting perspective of what I’ve been doing/saying. But that can only go so far.He has been very helpful, your perspective have been more insightful.

As for me, I finally felt a release from my first husband this past January as he had passed away. He stalked me after I left him. He was a narcissist. He even was checking up on me through his wife’s Facebook page. I blocked her profile so he couldn’t do that anymore. It seemed like a major weight was lifted. I was not sad nor was I happy, after all his is the father of my girls.

When I met my ex, the attraction was he had a horse. I thought he could give me what I always wanted which was to be around horses. Even though I grew up on a farm , it was a vegetable farm no animals besides dogs or cats. I was not allowed to have a horse growing up. He made all kinds of promises that he never followed through on. Then my next relationship, he was doing all the things I wanted my husband to do. He would praise me and my abilities. He noticed the little things until alcohol got in the way. We did not always live in the same house for those 17 years. Court battles made it so he couldn’t be around my kids if he was drinking. He never was physical with them but could be very rude It was actually good to have the court back me up with that. That is when he finally decided to stop drinking the first time so he could be a part of our lives. Then cancer struck. He was 100% cured of that cancer but the whole process sent him back into depression and drinking again. I wouldn’t let him back into the house again until he got sober. I had told him 1 year but ended up letting him back after 3 months. It was easier on our financials to pay for 1 house instead of 2. We were self-employed working together. After being back and sober for about 10 months, we found out he had a secondary cancer. This one ultimately took his life. So I guess why I stayed, was the ability to be self-employed which I still am. I run the business myself.

I don’t know exactly how to be happy on my own. I know how to survive but I really want that intimate connection. I know I don’t NEED an man to get through but I really want that companionship to share life experiences with. All these things my new guy has said he wants as well and I know we both have a lot of work to do on our selves first. He has said his wall is high and yes he is very protective of his heart at this point and as he should be. I think that is also why I have stated in the past that I would never NEED a man, that if I have a man in my life it’s because I choose to have him there. When my friend told me that he is a giver and lover , that when he is with someone, they are his only focus, no other will even be entertained. I told him that to me that is what most women could ever want in a man. I know it’s something I would want for sure. I know neither one of my previous relationships could ever be trusted for that reason. I know it’s human nature to look at others but what your actions are with that process , says a lot about your relationship.

Sorry this is so long. It’s hard not to divulge. I want there to be no questions as to where I am coming from.
Thank you so much for your time.
Karen

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