[Rebecca G]

Thanks, Coach Spyce!
I have not met or spoken to anyone yet. I do understand what you are saying. However, I just can’t get him out of my mind. I feel like I need to talk to him or his step mom to try and get closure or see if there is any chance for reconciliation. I feel I’d regret it if I didn’t fight. I understand it may be one sided, but my heart isn’t ready to let go. So, you mentioned before possibly helping me navigate how to do this and I’d welcome advice on how to try. After I try and if it fails, then I know I need to try to heal and move forward. It just isn’t working for me right now. I also think at my age finding someone else is harder and harder. Appreciate any guidance.

[Rebecca G]

Thanks, Coach Spyce. You’ve been so helpful trying to work with me through this. As far as patterns in other relationships, he was married 25 yrs, said he stayed for his kids or would have left 15 years prior, as she had problems with spending money, hiding it from him and then put them in debt, and also became depressed. He asked for a divorce and left her very shortly after his youngest turned 18. He said they didn’t really fight or argue, just a lot of tension.

Also, I do recall a few times when he had a few too many drinks, he’d say things like, you never notice anything about me or was down on himself about how certain body parts of his looked, he’d say you probably would’ve rather me not come over, or how he didn’t fulfill my needs intimately, which wasn’t true in my opinion. So, suppose those are esteem flags looking back.

As far as my marriage, I believe I got married as I was pushing 30 and wanted a family and kids, I don’t think I was truly in love with him. He was from a different country and believe Cultural differences came into play. He had self esteem issues as he thought he should be the provider and wear the pants, but I was more of that as I was the breadwinner and independent. We had times we argued/disagreed, but ultimately we weren’t filling each other’s buckets and mutually decided to divorce, amicably as we still are many, many years later.

So, I definitely think I’d be more comfortable starting with a family member to talk to. My reasoning is I don’t know if he’ll open up anymore than he did before and if that happened, I’d be no further than I am now. I was close with both parents, but would prefer to just meet with his step mom, female to female conversation. I’m thinking of asking if he gave them any reasons other than what I got for ending it. Ask if she thinks any possiblity for reconciliation or not. Ask if he’s seeing someone exclusively. I realize I may not like some of the answers, but I believe she will be honest with me and not share our conversation with him. I want to tell her how I’ve been feeling too. Then, I suppose based on that conversation, seeing if he’d want to meet and talk.

Do you think me putting on a happy face and pretending all is good is doing me a disservice with him or better to show a happy front? (And this is for the small amount of texting we have done). I’ve ran into a couple of his friends and I never asked about him to them, just pretended I was happy and living the life with small talk.

[Rebecca G]

Thank you for your kind words. Its interesting you brought up esteem issues in the relationship. My first instinct says no, but I guess I’m not really sure, I suppose that is possible. As far as opening up and not coming off needy or high maintenance mostly comes from seeing other women, not necessarily a role model, that have been that way in relationships and how much of a turn off it is to men, at least from what I’ve witnessed.

As far as his family, especially his parents, that’s, another relationship that communication stopped, mostly as I think was awkward and I was so emotional, just another example of me not wanting to show that to them. Until I had my accident, which has re-opened the door to some communication. So, I haven’t asked, I want to and think I could soon.
I’m not sure what sitting down and trying to have a heart to heart would look like. I definitely fear the rejection again. I don’t know if enough time has passed for him to have processed what happened or not. I know I’m not processing it well, but I’m definitely making it seem to him that I’m 100% OK and happy in the texting that has transpired in the past month. Every time he asks me how I am doing, I say I’m great or good. I just try to bring up relatable fond memories that we shared together. When I’ve asked him how he’s been, he just says, I’m OK and nothing more.
I feel I’d be ready fairly soon to try and talk to him, if he’d be open to it. Thank you again for the insight.

[Rebecca G]

Thank you so much for responding so quickly. I am sorry about you losing your parents as well. My mom passed prior to being with my ex. It is tough not having parents regardless of our age. I do have siblings and very close friends, but he truly helped support me when my Dad passed, even drove my boys 12 hours to come to the funeral, since I was already there.

I’ve been pretty lost on the direction I should head in dealing/handling the breakup, which is why I’ve been seeking advice/programs to follow. I’ve never been this heartbroken and I’m no young chicken, not even with my ex husband. So, the program I’ve been following has suggested when I reach out to him, I make it all positive, showing that I’m happy, not bringing up the relationship, just trying to re establish a connection and revealing my presence. So, does he know my true feelings… not at this point. I told him at the breakup how much I loved him, how it was breaking my heart, how I thought he was my forever person, he just kept saying he was a jerk, he was sorry and I deserved better. I asked him if he was done, he said, yes, for now. I asked if he wanted to stay in contact and he said yes, please keep in touch.

In general, it’s hard for me to express my feelings to a man, not that we didn’t ever say I love you. I always thought that if I can feel the love, the words don’t matter as much. I guess I do mask my feelings as I don’t want to seem needy, annoying or weak especially with my boys, (who are now 18 and 16) and definitely at my job. I think I do have way deeper emotions than I show most people probably as I don’t want to be judged, if I’m being honest. I want to show I’m a strong and independent woman (which I believe I am).

As far as my boys relationship with him, I wouldn’t say it was a father figure necessarily, as they are close with their own Dad, and he has grown children himself, but more of a positive male figure like a friend. They are handling it OK, probably more upset of how it’s hurt me.

I’m not aware of any changes he has made other than the breakup as I don’t know really anything going on with him since. Prior, I know he was unhappy with his weight gain as well. He has been living with his parents that he gets along with well (who I love so very much) and he bought a house, several years ago to renovate and it had been at a standstill, not sure why, other than he was probably complacent being at my place half the time. I used to ask about the house, but he said he was tired of everyone asking about the progress, so I stopped. I didn’t bother me as I was happy with our relationship.

I am taking responsibility for what contributed to the breakup and agree he should have been able to have conversations with me instead of throwing in the towel, I do struggle with this aspect. Everyone, including his family, and my family and friends, all were as shocked as I was.

Thank you so much for your insight.

[Rebecca G]

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate it so much!
First, I should mention I did have an ordeal about a month ago. Short version is I became dehydrated, passed out, fell on the coffee table, broke a rib in my back, went ER, found out I was in Afib, spent 3 days in hospital. My friend let him know. He did contact me to ask what happened and how I was doing, he checked in a couple of times after that as well, so I know he cares. So, he has reached out due to my health.

Next, I didn’t ask what specic changes he wanted, such as dating other people as he told me he didn’t cheat and he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else, at least at that time. I asked if he didn’t love me anymore and he said he couldn’t say he didn’t. He said he will always have feelings for me. He said he didn’t know if this was temporary. I asked him what was the difference between being single and being with me as we both did things as a couple and individually. I never pushed to live together or get married. I asked him if he were talking to a buddy, what did he tell them as to why he wanted to be single. He changed the subject completely
I said you didn’t answer my question. He said he didn’t know how to answer that and he just wanted to be single. Of course I can take that as wanting to date other ppl, fear of commitment, bored of our relationship, etc….but no clear answer other than being single, which I understand is not being transparent.

In retrospect, I can’t blame him for being the only one who didn’t communicate well. I became complacent with not talking about the future as he didn’t. There were a few times we had disagreements, just rarely, and when we did, we’d talk a day or so after if happened to try and see each others perspective and did talk through it. I do think I could tell if he was irritated with me and it was usually more I with him occasionally. My mood wasn’t the best the last year. Was /am I angry as he couldn’t communicate his feelings prior to calling it quits and giving me an opportunity to work within myself or together, of course.
However, he probably did try to communicate about it in his own way, like he’d say a lot to me that I had a fake smile, which was usually true as I was trying to be positive, but he knew me well enough to know the difference. I’d just say it wasn’t him, it was my mood. He said several times you don’t seem happy, and this is where I pushed him away and blame the menopause. Again, I do think the menopause stuff really affected me, talked to my Dr and am now on meds to help. This is partly where I say I feel like myself again. Him walking away from me forced me to realize I needed change within myself.

What changed when I was with him in the past year is that my Dad had cancer and lost his battle this past Nov. I had gained a lot of weight over the years together (not that it mattered to him at all), but my weight struggles have always been a trigger for being down, then perimenopause started while we were together. So, this is why I feel more like myself, not because I’m not with him, but because I’ve focused on excersing, losing weight and eating better and this makes me feel better and happier with myself. I just wish that I could have recognized this prior to the breakup.

I do understand that he should appreciate all that I have to offer, however, people should be allowed to make mistakes, but he won’t see it as a mistake if he isn’t able to see that I’ve been working on self improvement and am more like that person he was with earlier in our relationship and not so unhappy and down with myself the majority of the time.

What I love about him is how supportive he could be with my teenage boys and with losing my Dad. We’d travel together having so much fun on our trips, we had a lot in common like going to festivals, concerts, going to bar and grills, watching sports together, and just watching shows together at home. I love how he made me feel supported and protected, how he would cuddle with me at night, send me funny memes to make me laugh, how involved he was with his family and shared that with me especially after losing both of my parents, how we’d spend time with his friends and my friends and we both enjoyed it. Most of these things I did not have in my previous marriage and I didn’t feel fulfilled, he helped fulfill my desires that I wanted in a partner. I hope this gives a better perspective from my point of view.

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