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Yes, I’m still here. It has been going well. He seems happier that I go to a job and am not around as much. Last weekend the 2 of us got away for 3 days which was very nice. I know relationships have their ups and downs and last weekend was definitely a wonderful up. We were both very happy. Yesterday and so far this morning is a down. Yesterday I got home from work, helped put away an order that arrived as I got home, and packed orders. His kid had to get to the school early before the football game (he’s in band) and he asked me if I could run him. I mentioned I was going to quickly stop at the grocery store on my way back. We had planned on going to the game to see the band perform before the game, around 6:30. So I did. As his kid was getting out of the car, I was told they go on at 6. So I sent my boyfriend that message so he was aware it was earlier than expected. I stopped at the grocery store and made it home. I knew I had 5-10 minutes to get ready and I also knew that’s all I needed. As I walked in the door, 2 of his kids were sitting at the table and he was standing there and said “We have to leave pretty much now”. He didn’t say it very rudely, but you could tell his was upset and the look on his face was not happy. I walked into the kitchen to put 2 things in the fridge and as I did, he stood in the doorway and said “there really wasn’t time to stop at the store. What’s in the bags”. I got angry, just gave him a look, put the stuff away, and went upstairs to change. I was in the car ready before he was. I got angry that he said what he said and more because of the fact that I feel like he disrespected me in front of his kids. Of course, I shut down and sat during the performance quiet and angry. After it, he asked me if I was mad and I was honest and said a little yes. He seemed to get irritated at this. Why??? I was truthful and I had a right to be. I never got an apology. The only thing said was in the car on the way to the game when he said “I don’t mean to be irritated”. I understand he was probably worried I wouldn’t make it back in time. But he never got a hold of me to tell me he thought I shouldn’t go to the store. Again, I feel like he wasn’t communicating like he should.
I am also upset because now that I have a job, I was going to get those vocal lessons I always wanted. About a week or so ago, he brought that up. He started the conversation with now that I had a job – “I don’t expect you to give me money for the bills, but you could help out with other things needed”. He then proceeded to mention the fact that he never forgot that I wanted those lessons, but he was concerned because he feels like they would be a long term thing and that would cost a lot. We had previously discussed his youngest kid taking them as well because he is looking at going into the performing arts. I mentioned that I wasn’t planning on taking them forever. For me, it’s something I want to do but is not needed. We discussed that it would be more needed for his kid. But I felt good getting this job that I would have a little money to have my independence and had planned on getting those lessons with it. I absolutely get that I need to help out since I live here. But he also knows that this is only a seasonal part time job. He wants me to have my independence, but won’t let me have money to do that. All along while 2 of his adult kids are back living here and do nothing! One does have an occasional online job and will be getting his own place soon. The other is supposed to be looking into colleges but hasn’t gotten her own job. She doesn’t help around the house and brought her dog which she doesn’t even clean up after. I think she is also using my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash that I bought. I’m also hurt because I have been supporting him for 2 years with his hopes, dreams, goals of growing his business and helping open a new business. But my dream and goal of lessons isn’t being supported.
So this morning I am upset and he knows it. We barely said anything to each other before he left to referee and he was unhappy as well. When I think about it, this is how I feel – he stays at the house and does some work things all day, but also talks to his friend all day and does hockey stuff. I go to work 5 days a week, come home and help with the business, and still can’t have what little money I will have left after my car payment. I still help him with orders and I’m still helping try to grow the business so why can’t he get me the few things I may need? I don’t know how to have independence and do things for me without having money. I think I’m done venting for now.
At the moment I am feeling a little better. A part of me had already known that time away from each other would be a good thing. I just couldn’t quiet the anxiety long enough. Last week from Wednesday through this past Sunday, we had a show for business to attend. We spent quite a lot of time together those 5 days. It was very nice. We were both in very good moods. It was the time together I needed, but I was also okay with not spending as much time together once Monday hit. I haven’t been to hockey. Finances are getting better. He has been almost like he used to be – touching me and kissing me more like before. I did get a part time seasonal job. Getting out of the house and having time to myself is nice. Hearing him talking about his friend or hockey still causes the anxiety to try to start and makes me feel hurt that I can’t see him play anymore. I used to love that time we spent going to the game and then after. Sometimes we would grab something to eat after and I enjoyed that time.
I know he needs his space. I know my past is definitely a reason for the way I feel. I know I need to talk to a coach and I want to when I can financially. I know I want to work on me so I am happier. I know I don’t want to live with this anxiety. What I don’t know or understand yet is how to see exactly what my parents did or didn’t do created this. I know I will learn that through coaching.
There were a few things I wanted to mention about the job and his business. When I said I would think about things that needed to be done at the house with the business, it felt like it was because I was trying to grow the business not just for him but for us both. I want to grow it as much as I can so that when we sell it, we can enjoy retirement together. Also, it was nice for once being able to rely on someone else. During my marriage, for the majority of it I was the one that held down 1 and sometimes 2 jobs at a time to provide. My husband went through many jobs and didn’t stay at some of them for long. I got so exhausted always being the major provider that when this opportunity came along to be able to be taken care of for once, it felt nice.
Sometimes I do wish he would communicate with me when something is bothering him. Is there anything I can do to make it more comfortable for him to do that and not feel like he doesn’t want to hurt me?
Thanks for checking in. I had been busy. I will check out Dr Nicole. I will get that coaching when I can. And I will talk here if needed.
I think I understand the connection between the 13 year old me and now. Yes it all stems from feeling like I don’t matter. So again, tonight I have an issue. Again I feel angry and like I’m not being supported by my boyfriend. He has had his own business where he sells products. I have been trying to help him increase sales since we’ve gotten serious. I have experience in sales, marketing, and management. I suggested we do a few craft fairs and trade shows to help. He agreed it was a good idea. I let him know how I really wanted to help and it’s because I’m trying to make us more money since things have been a little tight lately. I have just been working with him since last May. It also gave me something to focus on and feel like I really had a part in this. I have been putting most of the products together. The last 2 days he has put in some effort. Tonight is basically the last night we have to get ready. Here I am staying up until who knows when putting things together while he’s off again refereeing hockey. I’m frustrated that he knew how important this was to me and he couldn’t take the last night to be here supporting me and helping. We are discussing opening a new business together, both of us financially invested in it. This example makes me very afraid that he isn’t going to support me in that as well, kind of like I will be putting more effort into it while he acts like hockey is more important. I have been supporting him in this which is technically his business. I supported him when we first got together and him and his friend starting this new hockey league. I feel in a relationship that your role is to support and encourage the other, to help them reach their goals and dreams. He has had a dream of starting an ice cream shop and months ago we almost did. I fully supported him, helping him find all the equipment and we had just about everything we needed. But the site fell through. I don’t feel the same support from him. I’m sure this again is that 13 year old side overreacting. Isn’t it? I will be truthful…I quit my job last May to help him because he told him he makes enough to support both of us. Recently when he started mentioning money was tight, I tried to get a part time job, but I couldn’t do it because it was when all this started happening and I couldn’t focus and do the job because of the anxiety. I also just kept thinking about everything I could be doing at home to help the business while I was there. I discussed it with him one day when I came home how I felt and he seemed ok with me wanting to quit. I did. He wasn’t happy when he found out and made a comment that I “quit another job”. I thought I had his support. Again, I was hurt by no support. I get triggered very easily when I don’t get support because my oldest sister never supported me. All I ever got from her was lectures. I don’t know how to handle this hurt.
Ok…so I have to say something about the hockey. I am fine letting it be his guy time. I have not been going. But for over a year now, I have been mentioning that I want to have one evening that is for us. Just like you suggested, I had been trying to find something for us to do one evening a week that is just ours, that we go to no matter what, just like his hockey. He said that was a good idea at the time. Everything I’ve brought up so far he hasn’t been excited about. I have been having a hard time finding something in our area such as a bowling league or adult league like that. I finally found something but again he didn’t seem too into it and suggested golf instead. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s not an evening thing and it’s only seasonal because we can’t do it during the winter. Tonight, I have finally reached a point where I am so furious because of it. In the last month, he has had the opportunity to referee some hockey games in the evenings. I am angry because I have a feeling he doesn’t like my idea because he would rather referee. My issue is that I have suggested this first and have been looking. I’m assuming this is just my anxiety again making me angry and feeling like I don’t matter as much. I’m not asking for every night. Just 1 that is ours every week. At the beginning when I suggested it, he did look into an adult bowling league for couples, but they didn’t have anything at the time. Lately I have been giving him more than enough space and of course, things have been better. But this was and still is important to me. I compare it to when couples have a date night once a week. That’s basically what it would be. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I feel so hurt and angry right now. It makes me not want to talk to him. I’m not going to while I’m angry because I know hurtful things are said at those times.
Yes, it makes sense about how getting married young affects things. I just would like to ask why I am so different than my boyfriend? He also married around 20 or 21. Is it because I am female, or because his ex-wife was different than me?
Do you have any suggestions on how to start to own my visions? This one I don’t fully understand.
I think I understand about his friend. My question – is there a possibility that someday he will trust in the fact that I won’t leave?
I guess to me, going to hockey was something we did together. He was excited I was there. I was there to support him, and I enjoy watching him. I still get butterflies.
I don’t say I deserve better often. The situation where I said it was this – he gets in moods where he is very cranky and miserable and the way he talks to people during that sometimes isn’t very nice. He even calls it his time of the month. I also said that you shouldn’t treat people that way or take things out on them. I try not to say hurtful things when I’m upset and I try to cool off first before talking because I know how hurtful things can be said in anger. I actually look forward to saying what you suggested. I try to find a good way to say things but sometimes struggle. I wish I was better at how you put it – telling him my feelings without him feeling attacked.
I have always wanted to think more of myself. I just don’t know how to do it. I think I understand the I and we – for example, when I need to go for a drive because I’m stressed. To be honest, I don’t know where this belief came from. It’s been there for a while.
I will do my best with trying to understand his mold. My biggest thing is dealing with my issues. I know I have to get through it to become a better me. I have been working on it for years. It gets better, then takes a step back. I was doing good until recently. I felt good about myself after grieving because I felt strong and independent. Then I think I took a step back by relying on my boyfriend so much. I was just happy to be loved again. I would love to talk to the coach you are recommending. I am willing to work on fixing my issues so I don’t feel this need to have so much of my boyfriend’s attention. It would benefit both of us and the relaionship.
Thanks again!
I am willing to answer all your questions and give feedback because I want this relationship to thrive.
To answer your first question, I was 20 when I married and my husband was 21. We knew each other for about 2 years before getting married.
I moved in with my current boyfriend because after discussing it, we were both on the same page that we would try it. My former mother-in-law needed a place to live and my job was relocating me to an office closer to my boyfriend’s. So I let my mother-in-law live in my house (which I still own). That way we would try to live together and I would have a shorter commute to work. At the same time still having my house if needed.
I have had a fear of abandonment since I was a teenager. To give you some background, when I was 13 I went to school one day and everything was fine. My oldest sister picked me up that day and on the way home told me that my mom had left my dad and her & I now lived in another house in another town. That is where a counselor I had been talking to thinks this fear came from. During my marriage, the fear would get so strong that I would pace the floor if he was 15 minutes late getting home from work. He also got into trouble and went to jail about 16 years into the marriage and again the fear became so strong and left me feeling alone. I then started talking to a counselor. I have been trying to deal with this fear of abandonment for a long time. Sometimes I can silence it, other times it’s harder. Then when my husband died I was devastated. The first words out of my counselor’s mouth were “your worst fear came true”. But I dealt with it and now know I am stronger than I ever thought. I am thankful for my marriage and experiences in life. They make me who I am today and help in this relationship. I don’t know if any of this helps with the wounding patterns you talked about. I have been thinking about going back to counseling because I WANT to face these issues and become a better version of me.
I have always thought little of myself and had low self-esteem. My boyfriend is the only one in my life who ever made me feel so wanted, beautiful, important. He helped tremendously with that. That is why I agree with you on how he is very good for me. I had a fear of water and he supported me by getting me swimming lessons and has actually taken me on 3 cruises. I didn’t feel support from my husband like that. I felt like I could do anything in this relationship. So when he stopped, it made me feel horrible. I am like him in ways – when I need space I get in the car and just drive. There have been times in the past year that I can’t do that because his daughter has my car at college when she is having issues with hers. It’s those times when I need to get away for a little and can’t that I feel trapped. I will try my best to answer your questions about how I treat, respect, love, value myself. I know I am worth it. I have told my boyfriend this during one conversation and I have told him I deserve to be treated better. I won’t do anything I don’t want to do. Deep down I know I am important and valued to him, loved by him. It’s the times of severe fear that get me. That’s when I don’t know what to do but turn to him for comfort, support. And I’m sure it’s those times that he feels I am clingy.
I joined here hoping to get some insight on how to connect with my boyfriend on his level, a man’s level. I am trying to be ok with not going to hockey. I want help with why it bothers me so much that he’s ok with talking to his friend all day, everyday, but yet that would be too much time if it was with me. My belief was always that when you are in a serious, committed relationship there is no more I and me…it’s us and we. You can have independence but not a separate life anymore. Is that wrong? My thinking has always made me feel old-fashioned. How do I go about dropping the pressure for him and finding out what his mold is?
I do love my boyfriend and I know he loves me. We both agreed we want this to work and are willing to try. I am open to discussing this and advice. I don’t understand men and I hope to get better at giving him what he needs. Thank you so much for your help!
I also failed to mention that when he started becoming withdrawn, he said I was around too much and being too clingy. So I backed off even though it made me feel unwanted. I don’t understand how one day he wants to spend all day with me, but the next day he was totally different. In a day he stopped touching, talking, spending time, complimenting me. How does that happen overnight?
