[Lili R]

Hi Heidy,

This is the forth time I try to reply and the system tells me there’s an error! Not sure why this isn’t working. :/ can anyone see my posts?

[Lili R]

Hi Heidy!

Thanks for your amazing answer. This blew my mind and gave me so much to think about, also thank you for your reassurance.

I want to clarify that was he who came with the topic of this woman, not me who had to asked him.

What was weird?

When he was acting weird what happened is that we had our third date and that day I saw him nervous, at night he ignored my messages. I did not have to ask him why was he acting like this, but during our fourth date he said he had a confession to make and he said: “Last day I saw you I received a text message from a friend which I casually used to have sex and I told her that we could only be friends and she didn’t like it, but I thought things were just ok. At night while I was sleeping and I heard someone knock at my window (there’s no ring bell and he lives in a first floor), and it was her infuriated requesting access to my house to let her pick up her stuff. I let her in and she couldn’t find anything, because she had nothing in my house. I let her clear that all I could offer was a friendship and she left. I was panicking, because I thought what if Lili comes at any moment. So, I want to let you know this so we can be clear about this woman and that I don’t have any other loose string.”

Last Thursday, we had some drinks in a bar and I just asked I what happened with this woman and he said she texted me asking me t be friends and that was it. I only asked if he has seen her, and he said, no, and if I’m going to see her, I will let you know first. And I decided to leave the topic there, because there was alcohol involved and I didn’t want to trigger any of my scared parts.

Also, do you know much about his past relationships?

He has shared that he was married for 7 years and has been divorced for 3 1/2. They got divorced because after his 6yo daughter was born things changed and sex too. They have a decent relationship.
He has dated women and mentioned that many of them were just for sex, and also because he fears introducing somebody to his daughter and because he fears failing again.

Do you know if he has ever cheated before?
I don’t know.

What’s his relationship like with his family?
His mom in American, his father from India, and they live close. He said they got closer now that they are older. His father was a tough one. They have good relationship and they get together often. He respects norms and traditions.

How he handles stress?

He needs space and time by himself to recharge his batteries. He owns a business so he is very busy, he’s also very rational, straightforward and needs time to organize his stuff. He has a big responsibility with his daughter because he has her a lot of time and her mom also requests him to take the child additional time, which has been challeging for him.

What are some of the red flags you are noticing about him:
At the very begining we had some issues with time and he being late and cancelling. This was about work changes and I tried to be patient until I wasn’t so I brought the topic and this hasn’t been an issue.
A red flag could be that sometime he is super sweet and others very cold and distant.
It has been difficult for me to track red flags becase I don’t know if its about my issues or a real red flag. I catch myself shutting down/dissociating in our first conversations and posteriorly I realized I did ask questions that came up after some topics, but I feel I brought them posteriorly and he was open to answer.

I have no idea how to approach this because I don’t want to make him pull away and because I feel it’s too early, but at the same time I feel I need to do something about it. So let’s get clear here. What do you want to do about this?  Meaning, if you confront him, what are you hoping to accomplish?

I want to have a clear picture of what is going on with this woman, I want to know about this relationship and the purpose of their/her communicating and what are his expectations about this friendship and how can I trust that it is just this, a friendship, if there’s one. I don’t even know what happened there. I feel I need information that could give me some picture of where am I standing.

Do you want to choose yourself or do you want to choose the relationship? This is an important decisions because if you choose yourself, then it’s time to say goodbye to the fear of losing him. Imagine you were NOT afraid of losing him, what would you do?

I absolutely want to choose myself. It is actually easier for me to leave relationships than to stay. So, when I read “fear of losing him”, yes there’s fear and there’s an irrational believe that if I as he will find there’s something wrong with me because I’m being too intense and would leave. So here my fear more that loosing him is dealing with my feelings of shame. Also, I fear the most is not knowing, not making the correct decision and posteriorly getting hurt.

If I wasn’t afraid of losing him, I would seek the opportunity to have an open conversation about this topic and ask questions until I feel safe and secure.

Tell me what your relationship is like.
We see each other two times per week, one day we go on dates and the other we usually meet in his house. We text everyday, two phone calls since we met. We haven’t introduce to anybody and we agreed this will take time. Dates have been great, we have lots of fun.

How deeply do you guys have conversations?
We have had very deep conversations. Probably this is the firs time in my life that I allow myself to be vulnerable and open myself as I am, and I feel that he follows me in this. He has been an open book, I Would say most of the times. And I say most because of this topic that I’m bringing here.

Why did you say yes to being exclusive with him?

I was feeling safe, connected, I love that I can be me with him, and he has been supportive and patient towards my anxious parts, my deep conversation which he mentioned he’s not used to and my questions.
It has been very difficult for me to date people becase I’m a single mom with no father involved and no family in this country. So, by the time I met him I was about to switch apps because I hated the one where I met him due to the amount of scams and I wasn’t texting with anyone else. So, to be honest, I had no issues closing apps or moving to exclusivity. Also because I feel that I’m just discovering my self in this new journey and dealing with my parts that are sleeping while I’m single, but awakening now that I’m in this relationship.

What is so great about him that you would invite him into your inner circle?

He’s ambitious and goal oriented. He makes me feel safe and protected when we are together. He has shown and expressed appreciation from me. I can be me around him, flaws and differences included. He includes me in his conversations about the future. He has adjusted things I’ve asked for, I have lots of fun, I feel very physically attracted.

Thank you so much fro your support! This has been great!

[Author]

Posts